Sunday, May 31, 2015

Question: Bill Cosby?

Oh boy. 

You know what the worst thing is? We can't do impressions of him anymore. Basically, every impression kinda needs to be a rape joke now to justify it, or worse, every impression is a rape joke by default. Rape jokes should be a choice, same way sex should.

Sucks that he's forever tainted, but not as much as what happened to the women he wronged.

Short Answer: My favorite thing about Bill Cosby was other people's impressions of him. Those days are gone. 

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Question: You do this every day (right?). Does it ever get monotonous?

Only when I get certain kinds of questions.


...


Short Answer: Yes. But it feels good to know that 4 to 7.5 people are reading it on a bi-weekly basis.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Question: Can you give me a birthday poem please? (Also can this question jump the queue?)

On this day
as heralded by voices afar,
some above, others below,
there is bellowed a particular cry


Halved by winks of sin
and soaked with joyous tears,
this sound is not singular


For must we not rejoice?
Is this day not of significance when
it marks the beginning of love
as it entered the world?


Will we stand, hands wrapped,
and fingers laced, to balk at
loving interpretations of this most
just of emotions?


Or will we celebrate, and embrace,
and laugh and dance, to mark this
day of days?


Yes we shall, as the moon sighs
before entering a cloud, as the sea masks
the degradation of all things, as the mountain reaches only
to be scorched again and again,
we will celebrate.


Short Answer: Happy Birthday. (I feel a bit naughty, like we made the mail-order bride of poems.)

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Question: Which Wizard of Oz character are you?

Well, I'm smart as fuck, so I don't need a brain, so I'm not the fucking Scarecrow.


And I'm willing to face my fears, so I'm not the Cowardly Lion.


I'm all heart, motherfucker, so I'm no Tin Man.


I'm not a yippy dog, or an en-sockled witch, or a lost maiden.


I am a bit of a jackass hiding behind a curtain, though...


Short Answer: I'm the fucking Wizard!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Question: What do you think of that whole crop-top, dress-code story?

Hyphens!


People should wear whatever the hell they want.


Kids have parents for a damn reason. If a parent doesn't mind what the kid is wearing, schools shouldn't.


I'll tell you a little something I remember from high school. I leered at every lady that walked past me, sat near me, or was breathing. The argument that scantily clad students distract other students is a half-truth. I was always distracted by my own hormones and it didn't matter one iota what other people were wearing.


That argument is all bullshit anyway. You go to a football game and there are cheerleaders. At volleyball the girls wore very tight shorts. And so on. There is sexuality in schools because there are budding sexual creatures populating the whole place.


Crop top? You've got to be fucking kidding me.


Short Answer: Worry about teaching, schools.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Question: No matter what I do, I can't seem to find pants that fit me. What can I do? - Alone, Afraid, Uncomfortable

Well, Alone, Afraid, Uncomfortable, if you aren't a garden gnome or some sort of ghoulie, you're probably a fatty and you should lay off the donuts.


They aren't a breakfast food. They're just sugar and fat. Dessert only, and then, with caution.


Otherwise, you're some sort of lovable, oddly-constructed scamp, and no one will care if you carry on pantsless.


Short Answer: My wife has trouble with pants because her waist is small but her hips are wide. You know what she does? Has big boobs.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Question: Liberal, NDP, or Conservative? (Green isn't an option in this question, you hippie).

Nope.


Liars, all. I don't support falsehood in any form.


Any system where you have to change your ideals just to get the backing of a group of people (a party) defeats the entire purpose of true democracy. You're not selecting a person that you think should lead. You're just voting for someone who might believe most of what they say, hopefully, if you're lucky. By default, in the party system no one is able to speak entirely from the heart without false rhetoric and conjured passion. The whole thing disgusts me.


Short Answer: I'd watch them all fuck each other, though. I bet then you'd see some truth. Some merkins and buttplugs and penis pumps and odd lubricants. Some lost boners and dry cootches, some marks of satan and cyborg implants. A third nipple or two...seriously, these are the people who turned 'party platform' into something negative.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Question: Rum-tum-tugger?

Rum Tum Tugger is a character from, most notably, the musical Cats, though also famous from the source material: T.S. Eliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats.


But of course because this question was hyphenated and without capitals, I'll go ahead and assume you're referring to a handjob from a drunken hobo that finishes all over one or both of your stomachs.


I'll pass, thanks.


Short Answer: I'm more into whore-boob-blowies. And coincidentally, Whore Boob Blowies was my favorite thing about Cats the musical.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Question: Hey! You suck! This is Seuss btw, you insignificant bastard!

Seuss!


I did that thing with your daughter where we only do anal because she's saving herself for marriage.

And oral.


And both back to back.


Short Answer: Not back to back oral, but, you know first anal then...damn you Seussssss!!!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Question: What is your preferred method of execution?

As a writer of fucked-up fiction, I've explored this realm quite thoroughly.


I'll work my way up from the bottom: (Also, a great method of execution, especially if a shark is involved.)


Firing squad is the worst. I'm not going to get into the hundred or so methods that are also bad, I just wanted to tip my hat to firing squads as an example of how not to kill a person. First off, there's no romance. It's just bang, over, dead. I would be so disappointed if I found out this was the way they were going to kill me. One man shooting one bullet into your heart has some panache, but a bunch of rifles? Many bullets? Ugh.


Being quartered by horses is possibly the most tasteful of all executions. Your limbs are tied to some horses, then those horses gallop away at speed. If you're lucky, they all go as one, and you're torn limbs from torso, a clean five piece split. If they don't all go at once, even better.


Who doesn't like a good beheading? They're terrifying and hit very close to home because somewhere that shit is actually happening. The scene of a person, fully complete with head, then all of a sudden not so with head is beyond jarring. I don't prefer this method, but it is a classic, and its weight is still relevant.


Stoning is awesome. Sadly it was mostly used throughout history to slut-shame women, but that doesn't take away from the beauty of a bunch of angry villagers picked up whatever's nearby and hucking it at you until you're dead. That shit probably takes a while, too.


Hanging is the Pink Floyd of execution methods. Accepted as a classic, considered one of the best ever, and still somehow underrated. The fact that when you're hung you might die instantly from a broken neck, but you probably won't, instead going slowly, kicking and grunting as the noose cuts off your air supply. You see it? Also, the ritual of it, the last words, the threading of the head through the rope, the sack over the head. It's very powerful stuff.


Ever heard of the Blood Eagle? This is when Vikings would cut open your back, break the ribs along the spinal column and sling your lungs out and over your shoulders so they'd look like wings. If you could endure the execution without screaming, you were allowed into Valhalla. Rough way to go. Top marks for creativity you crazy Vikings.


Here's a beauty. Scaphism was an old Persian method of doing the deed. The intended was stripped and fastened in between the cocoon created by two boats (this method is sometimes referred to as 'the boats') or logs, and floated in a pool of water. They were then fed milk and honey until they started producing reams of diarrhea, and sometimes they're eyes, genitals and anus would be treated with honey as well. Inside their little prison, the diarrhea would build up, attracting insects to their honeyed places. Burrowing insects would breed and create gangrene and all these things would eventually kill the poor bugger. The Persians would feed the victim for a while to keep it all going as long as possible.


Now to my favorite. There were many medieval methods of execution that may seem terrible. And to be fair, without the history and context of some of the methods I've listed, they probably deserve to be included here based solely on their creative standing and impressive cruelty. But to exemplify all of those methods, I've picked just this one. It's called the Judas Cradle or in some circles, the Judas Chair. It is a perfect execution. A man is lowered from a set of restraints and pulleys onto a pyramid, the point of which is inserted into his ass. (Don't be a woman, for this one, because they'd aim for the other hole. For once.) The man is then suspended just enough so that his own body weight slowly impales him through the bumhole, spreading him over the pyramid until he can 'takes it no more'.


Right?


Short Answer: There are a million great ways to be put down. Honorable mention to the specific method of beheading known as the guillotine, to the Mongol honorable death of back-breaking (honorable because no blood is spilled), and the good old being 'blown from a gun' meaning you get tied to the front of a cannon and then they light it. "You're fired!" they'd say.



Thursday, May 21, 2015

Question: When life throws you a giant pile of suck, how do you respond?

Look for ways to take responsibility. Wallowing in your own filth because 'life' did something to you is the same as sitting on your couch and waiting for 'fate' to hook you up.


If you can find ways to be accountable, you can start seeing how you need to change things to avoid recurrences. Then you're on the path of actionable items, of choices, and you're regaining control of the outcomes. This sort of proactive behaviour will soon alter your outlook, as you focus more on what you can accomplish, and change your brain to look for positives.


Or drinking. Like a lot. So much that you become an instant alcoholic. Then you can just give responsibility for your life over to god and focus on the one thing that sucks, the 'disease' you've acquired through no fault of your own.


Or drugs. Just do drugs until you become an emaciated skeleton who freaks people out as you tumble down the street.


Just realized this question specifically asks how do I respond.


I'm a crier.


Short Answer: Whatever it is, there will be a time in the not-too-distant future when it will be over. Even if you can't see the end of the tunnel, precedent dictates that before long that tunnel will be in your rear-view. Keep telling yourself that in between pop-tarts.



Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Question: If you could turn back time, what would you change about your life?

I'd probably have sex with everything.


A lot of people are unsure of sex when they're younger. What it is, how you do it, where the thing goes and why and who would ever do that?


It may be a common regret, but that's the one. Once you're through the looking glass and you've done a few sexes, you begin to realize just how easy it is to wet a rod and poke a wet hole. All that anxiety was linked into your insecurities about becoming an adult, or a seamstress or whatever your particular concerns were. As it turns out, you could've been rod-holing the whole rodding time!


I would go back and have sex with friends, casual acquaintances, classmates, teachers, janitors, gardeners, the mailman lady with her little shorts, my neighbor's cat who could've used a good lesson, and the knot in the pear tree in my back yard. It used to taunt me at night.


I suppose my life would've played out differently, all the diseases and pear tree ticks and all, but I'd like to think it still would've swung pretty close to where I am now. Because the older I get, the more obvious it is that I didn't have sex with everything while I had the chance. And I wouldn't say it's a regret, but I have a lot of memories of watching television that I don't need, and would happily replace with memories of sloppy meanderings in the wooded grove of poon alley.


Short Answer: That last sentence was being written while I was achieving a full and impressive erection, so forgive me its latent insanity.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Question: Where were your predictions for the current round?

I'm assuming this is in reference to the Stanley Cup because I did predictions for the first two rounds.


I would've said New York and Chicago to get through to the final. Good old original six match-up.


If that wasn't what this question was pertaining to, here's another answer:


Predictions for the Current Round of:


Golf: Boredom and ill-fitting slacks
Drinks: I won't be paying for them
Cuts: I make the team because of my commitment to excellence
Applause: It's for me. I probably showed a nut.
Chemo: Puking, yo.
Financing: I'll disappoint investors
Knights: They will excel at chivalry while undermining women's place in the world
Shots: I didn't order these! Just because we drank them doesn't mean we ordered these!


That last one really isn't much of a prediction. It also didn't keep me from being kicked out of the bar. It also didn't help me land the attempted throat punch on the bouncer. That whole thing about 'if you see two guys aim for the middle' is super-untrue.


Short Answer: New York in 6. Chicago in 7.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Question: Can you write a joke about a calender? Maybe a pun?

I understand. You want to get this in under the wire, a calendar joke before their time comes to an end.


You know. Because their days are numbered.


Short Answer: Victory.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Question: Can I have a little abuse?

I don't see why not...




You're like that feeling when you dig into a pile of change because you think you saw a quarter, and then you get it, only to find out it's just another nickel.


You're the least weasel of the animal kingdom.


You're like a staged video.


You're the sort of person who jokes that your item is free when there's a problem at the till.


When you talk, I feel like I'm being forced to listen to a hand job behind me at the movie theater.


Your breath smells like you're on call at the penis cheese factory.


If I ever had the opportunity to save you or a serial killer, I'd save you. Then I'd serial kill you.


You've only ruined vaginas.


Your sexual prowess equates to a blind man having a panic attack while wearing press-on nails and drinking out of a dog bowl.


People won't know how to feel when you die.


Being near you is like getting pre-poop tingles in a world without defecation.


You're the reason that movies about cartoons from our childhood are terrible.


You make people around you feel comfortable to the same degree that a burn victim does.


Your genitals look like they came out of a can.


Your father resents your mother because he blames her for making such a disappointing child. They would get a divorce if you hadn't taken from them their desire to move forward. (If your parents are divorced, good for them, for mustering the will. Why can't you get anything done?)


Short Answer: You're about as desirable to be around as a large hive on the neck that breaks open and spills a thousand spider babies.


Note: The least weasel is actually adorable.







Saturday, May 16, 2015

Question: Can you write a poem about a cat named Rascal?

I met Rascal in a dream.
He was a black cat, but not sleek.
He had one of those puffy faces, and tiny eyes that opened into a lake of fire.
As I tried to sleep, he curled up near me, in a cuddly cat way.
He had this trick, of forcing his tale into my hand, then blowing it up like a
bottle brush, so it felt like a barnacle was digging into my palm.
It woke me up again and again, until I gave up.


I wanted to watch the World Championship Semifinal
between Finland and Canada.
Rascal had followed me out of the bedroom and now he was around
somewhere
I was nervous, for fear he would hop out of the seams and steal my breath
and I fumbled the remote, and turned the game on live.
(It had been recorded, mostly.)
With very little time left in the second period, Canada was down 1-0.
Now I had to go back to the beginning and watch the first two periods, knowing.


Fucking cat.


Short Answer: A Cat Named Rascal

Friday, May 15, 2015

Question: Any advice for a single gal trying to find the one?

Volume.


No, not of ejaculate.


If you chase after all the peen, then you will get some of the peen. Unless your method is to use the word peen. Then you will get none of the peen, no matter how much peen you go after.


Be confident, be yourself - unless you're an ear-medicine spilling lady-dweeb who can't speak without referencing your history degree - be busty and don't be afraid to fail. Some men are just not in the mood to be fondled, and that's fine. It doesn't mean you fucked up, or that your breast size is innie, or that you should have kept your stache.


Dudes respond to breast and ass size. So find situations to exhibit that value. That's why ladies with big parts score so much of the wang. Because the wang is attracted to mushy things that make milk or poop.


But don't be bitchy or demanding, and don't force a man to face his shallow nature in a situation that doesn't fit. Like at a pool party. It'd suggest that you don't try to score peen at a pool party at all. Chlorine smells enough like semen that you'll get a double dose.


Above all, be fun. If you're not a fun person, you may very well find a soul mate eventually and settle down into a nice life. But if you want to score reams of femo-munt (?) you have to draw attention, with the above mentioned boobs, ass, ability to control bitchiness, and boobs. These things make you look like you're fun to be around, and that's when the dudes get a little chubby.


Short Answer: Sorry about femo-munt. I was running out of words and it just came out.


Note: The companion piece from a few days ago:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/05/question-any-advice-for-single-guy.html

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Question: Hey Strong Bad, can you draw a dragon? I want to see your skills of an artist.

Yes. We all remember Homestar Runner.


In Episode 58, Strong Bad draws Trogdor, who proceeds to burninate the countryside and some peasants. It was very amusing.


How I'm supposed to answer this question in some - wait. I got it.
As you can see, I'm shit at drawing. Though this dragon does have badass yellow fingernails and a tongue sticking out like he's asking, "Wassup?" and really means it, his wings look like a kite with stink lines. That's what you get.


Short Answer: That says A Fucking Dragon, in case you couldn't read it. I didn't take much time to make it legible because I don't care about your eyes or your feelings.



Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Question: Who drinks Mountain Dew?

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/12/question-what-flavor-is-mountain-dew.html


Bonus there for ya, based on a specific question from 2011 about the flavor.


My wife does. It has a bunch of caffeine in it, comparable to colas and coffee. Dew has about 55 mg of caffeine per 12 fl oz. Diet Coke has only 46, the highest of the colas. Black tea has 42, coffee about the same, thought it's notable that Starbucks' particular caffeine levels are considerably higher.


Plus, my wife hang glides and loves stereotypes.


Short Answer: I used to drink it when I was a kid, before I found out there was caffeine in it. I felt it matched well with all the other neon electric foods that I was putting into my body.


Note: My wife drinks a lot of caffeine because she's sleepy. I don't drink any because it hurts my bum parts.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Question: Have you gone soft on us?

Boy am I tired of hearing this question.


Look, I've just got a lot on my mind, okay? I might be coming down with something, I've had a lot of stress lately, and you don't look as good as you used to, either. You've aged, you've let yourself go. Maybe it's not my fault that I can't stay hard for you. Maybe you should look in the mirror the next time I can't make love to you properly.


Short Answer: Fuck off.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Question: Any advice for a single guy trying to score some tang?

Volume.


No, not of ejaculate.


If you chase after all the tang, then you will get some of the tang. Unless your method is to use the word tang. Then you will get none of the tang, no matter how much tang you go after.


Be confident, be yourself - unless you're a dandruffy nerd-bot who can't speak without making snot bubbles - be funny and don't be afraid to fail. Some women are just not in the mood to be hit on, and that's fine. It doesn't mean you fucked up, or that your new jacket is fugly, or that you should have kept your neck beard.


Chicks respond to value. So find situations to exhibit that value. That's why rock stars and athletes score so much of the puss. Because the puss is attracted to that which makes itself seem important.


But don't be boastful or conceited, and don't force a piano recital in the middle of a party where it doesn't fit. Like at a party for the deaf or fingerless. It'd suggest that you don't try to score tang from the fingerless at all, in fact. Foreplay gets creepy.


Above all, be fun. If you're not a fun person, you may very well find a soul mate eventually and settle down into a nice life. But if you want to score reams of mank (?) you have to draw attention, with the above mentioned humour, intelligence, confidence and skills. These things make you look like you're fun to be around, and that's when the girls get a little wider.


Short Answer: Sorry about mank. I was running out of words and it just came out.


Note: The companion piece from a few days later:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/05/question-any-advice-for-single-gal.html

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Question: I'm a normal sized bloke; why can't I find any pants that fit?

Sir, if you just needed someone to compliment you on your huge hog, you could've called your mother.


Short Answer: Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Question: Is it really better to live one day as a tiger rather than one thousand years as a lamb?

A thousand years is a long time.


In a thousand years, you could learn to be a brave lamb. You could become a leader of lambs.


In a thousand years you could learn how to hunt tigers.


Short Answer: No.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Question: Beer, whiskey, or wine?

Whiskey: I'm a bit of a lady man, not one of them there mustachioed man's man types. So straight whisky tastes oogy and makes owies in my throat. I'm able to enjoy some whiskey, though, so long as I mix it with a shit ton of sody pop. Using that application, I like plenty of whiskey type products. I'm especially fond of bourbon and rye, with cola and ginger ale respectively.


Beer: I've told the story on-blog before. Here's a recap. I was fourteen. I drank a lot. I chased with beer. Threw up tasting only beer. Don't like beer. As an adult, I've been slowly making my way back to beer through the process of culinary appreciation. I like the darker stuff, the ones you can chew on, the best.


Wine: I've always had wine. Since I was wee. It would shut me up when I was being annoying, crying for privileges like a 'new diaper'. There was a period in my life where I hardly imbibed any booze at all, but now that I'm older and life hates me, I've increased my intake. Wine is the mainstay. Again, I like sweeter, fruitier things on both sides of the coin, malbec and gew├╝rztraminer.


Short Answer: Wine is the winner for me. It goes with food or with sorrow.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Question: Are you a gun owner?

Oh boy.


No. I'm Canadian. We use hockey to work out our differences, not gunfire. Some of us hunt, but mostly with our bare hands.


I don't have guns in the house for the same reason I don't let cars drive through my house. Statistically, having one nearby is bad for your health/life continuing.


Short Answer: I've shot a gun. I wasn't impressed. I'd much rather gouge out someone's larynx with a cheese knife.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Question: I remember you saying that you have crazy dreams. Me too. Can you tell us about one of your craziest?

Hard to rank my craziest dreams. So many float away.


Last night I had a pretty crazy one. I was in a hockey tournament, and we lost. (Patrick Roy allowed a dribbler from the blue line right after Paul Kariya hit the post for our team.) Someone was handing stats sheets around in the dressing room and I found out that I'd only played ten minutes, the lowest of all the centers.


I was livid and I went to the coach, a man I suspected of being incompetent. I put the information under his nose. He was sitting at a table with Steve Yzerman. I said, "When I'm on that ice, I'm the best player out there."


He said some things that don't matter, but then Steve Yzerman calmly addressed me. In the dream, it wasn't revealed what he said, but basically he fucking tore me a new one for thinking I was so damned important and made me feel like if I was going to claim to be the best player, I'd better be a hell of a lot better.


I clasped Steve Yzerman's hand like we were in an 80's action movie, inspired by his redressing, and told him I was going to come back better than ever next time.


I've had some intense dreams over the years. I could explain them in terms of setting, but it's always the feeling that makes them so special. Sometimes I have 'end of the world' dreams, where I'm sure that life on earth is coming to a close. When I wake up from those, I'm left with lasting emotion. Same for dreams about women. Once I dreamed an entire life with a woman and woke up feeling an intense sense of loss when I realized she'd never existed.


Short Answer: Here's a bonus, from when I answered a similar question in 2011:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/04/question-what-was-last-thing-you.html

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Question: Some sort of list!

Top Ten Word Combinations that Don't Work in Poems but Still Manage to Sound Poetic


10) Wrenches Rustle
9) Clambering Coconuts
8) Ass-Juice
7) Beleaguered Laborer's League of Bail Bondsman
6) Cunt Call
5) Several Symphonies Sounding Simultaneously Simplistic
4) A Butt in a Jar
3) Effervescent Sweater Vest
2) Canopy Coping, Meter Moping, Halo Hoping, Buttocks Soaping
1) The Dry End of the Crusty Rod


Short Answer: Three! Butt! Jokes! Three! Butt! Jokes! Three! Butt! Jokes!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 4, 2015

Question: How do you think Canada will do in the Worlds this year?

Sports, sports, sports, sports...

Been a lot of sports questions lately. Gonna have to do the opposite of sports soon to make up for it.

What's the opposite of sports again? Books about sadness? Running a fast food franchise? Scooter ownership?

We sure look good this year. Crosby, Giroux, Seguin, Duchesne and so on. Best offensive squad we've seen in a long time. Defense not as impressive, goaltending a tad sketchy, but overall, very good.

All Canadians, myself included, like to think that we're a massive powerhouse of international hockey. Truth is, we fucking suck at the Worlds. We can't even get out of the damned quarterfinals. This is our chance.

Short Answer: A medal for sure this year. Almost positive we'll be in the final. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Question: What would you do with a drunken sailor...

Answered in 2012:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/04/question-what-do-you-do-with-drunken.html


Though without the question mark, if feels a little like you just want me to finish the song.


Short Answer: No deal.


Note: I don't like drunk people. So the real answer to what I'd do with a drunken sailor is not very much. Unless I was one of those ladies who liked to lay with sailors, and then I would lay with him.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Question: Mayweather/Pacquiao?

Yea.


I hate to admit it, but I'm slowly moving toward the camp of 'I wish this fight had happened five years ago'. I held out for a while, claiming that Pacquiao was still great. Then I was reminded of a stat the other day that concerns me in relation to this particular contest.  He hasn't had a KO since 2009.


Doesn't mean he still doesn't have punching power, but for me, when this match-up was debated in the past, my answer to the question of who would win was always decided by Pacquiao's relentless pace and punching power. I figured, like many did, that Mayweather would not respond well to getting hit more and harder than he ever had before.


Now, with Pacquiao seeming less of a destroyer, I fear that Mayweather will just avoid him for the entire fight, and be able to roll with the few shots that get through.


And make no mistake. Some will get through. You can't throw seventy punches a round while running forward without landing a few. But you also have to fear Mayweather's right hand a little, though I hate to admit it. Marquez proved that you could put Pacquiao down, and that's the punch in this fight that could do it, if Mayweather catches a frustrated Manny coming in and going for broke.


Another question. At 38, is Mayweather as slick? Can he dance his way out of this one? And more importantly, is he finally going to show his opponent the proper respect? I could see this being the fight where Mayweather's age catches up to his cocky attitude and he gets laid out.


I guess I'm not the only one who hopes for this outcome.


I've never once enjoyed a Mayweather fight. Not once have I seen anything to like or respect. I even watched his little HBO movie about going to jail for hitting his wife, and I don't think I could be around that dude for thirty seconds. The idea that he may go down as the greatest boxer of all time makes me a little sick, and I want his record blemished.


I just hope Manny's got enough left to do it.


Short Answer: My prediction is Pacquiao, but I don't think it will be a KO. I think his pace will give Mayweather trouble, and Pacquiao will win enough 'busy' rounds to take the fight on the cards.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Question: Second round predictions?

I'm a twit. I obviously should've answered this one yesterday.


Still, Anaheim winning is no surprise.


Here goes.


Rangers vs Capitals - I don't even understand how Washington got here. And how the fuck did the Isles get only 11 shots in game 7? Fucking brutal. I was going to be 7 for 8 in my first round predictions and then they took a big dump. Anyway, Rangers.


Montreal vs Tampa Bay - Stamkos will score eventually. This is going to be a tough one. I wasn't surprised when the Bolts came back in the last series, but if they fall behind against this year's potential Hart Trophy winner, they're boned.


Chicago vs Minnesota - This might be the closest series of the round. Chicago is my dark horse this year; I think they can go to the cup.


Anaheim vs Calgary - I don't know how Calgary got through the first round. I'm still baffled. They had their moments, but I thought they played some of the most inconsistent hockey of the first round, and their best players only showed up at the last minute. Anaheim won't be pushed around and will stomp them.


Short Answer: Rangers in 5. Montreal in 6. Chicago in 7. Anaheim in 4.