Thursday, April 30, 2015

Question: Do you believe in luck? Good luck, bad luck, no luck?

First I'd like to say that believe is a big word, here. To believe in something intangible is probably not a good idea, because it leads to stealing creation myths and being a dick about abortion.


To the question.


No. I don't. I can't. What I believe is that you make your own opportunities. What seems like luck to one person - like becoming an overnight success - is often years and years of hard work and determination. To be lucky, you don't just have to be good, you have to be in the right place. You have to show up day after day. You have to go to the front of the net if you ever hope to have a puck hit you and go in.


And so on.


Short Answer: We make our own destinies, and it's not easy work. That's why so many turn away from that simple concept. They hope that someone is looking out for them, willing to intervene on their behalf when absolutely necessary. Sorry. God doesn't prefer your football team. They just did their job better.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Question: The sign of the times, the return of the savior, god is a man among us, he rights wrongs and takes the names of the righteous...

That's just about enough of that question.


Think you might have the wrong blog, friend. I'm not a big advocate of Jesus the savior or of some concept of a deity existing at all, let alone walking among us.


As for signs of the times, every whack job of every generation or era thinks their time is the time. They think they're important and that the end of the world is right around the corner. That's the rub: a sense of insignificance that makes one fabricate his own importance.


It's why people came up with god in the first place.


Or for the religious, it's why god came up with you coming up with god in the first place.


Short Answer: Who says I'm not respectful of people's beliefs?

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Question: Ever played marry, boff, kill before?

Yes. On-blog, in fact:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/07/question-marry-kiss-kill.html


I wish we didn't have to live in a world where people are forced to say boff instead of fuck. That's a problem for me.


Let me see if I can come up with a few fresh ones:


Jack, Janet, Chrissy.
I loved Jack Tripper, but he's already dead, so I'll kill him. Even though I'd hate to have to fuck Chrissy for the rest of my life, I don't think I could handle having to do Frodo - I mean Janet more than once, so I'll marry the idiot.


Hermione, Harry, the Ginger.
Right off the top, we're going to deal with this at the age they are now, not when they were kids you sick bastards. This is a no-brainer. Kill the ginger, fuck the wizard, marry the kindly young lady.


Three Amigos.
Kill Martin Short. He's hilarious but I bet he's weird in the sack. Fuck Chevy Chase; I think it would do him some good to get an oldey-time man-railing. Marry Steve Martin, because he's a champion among men.


Luke, Han, Leia.
Can't marry Leia. Look what she turned into? Gotta fuck her. Can't marry Luke. Look what he turned into to? Kill him. Marry Han and Chewie.


Walter, The Dude, Donny.
I love John Goodman, so I'm going to marry Walter right off the bat. I'd kill The Dude. He sucks and is lame. Gotta fuck Donny. That works out good; he looks like a squirmer.


Short Answer: I think Fuck Once-Fuck a Bunch-Destroy would be a better game.



Monday, April 27, 2015

Question: Go out into the world. Multiply and be merry.

Errrr...


Is this a trick?


My first thought was that you're paraphrasing the bible, but then the word merry made me think of Santa Claus.


Am I not in the world? Am I not merry?


Okay, so I haven't yet multiplied, but science is catching up to that. We'll have woolly mammoths soon, and donor bodies for when our organs give out from terrible life choices. I have every intention of multiplying, just perhaps not in any biblical sense.


I don't trust bible math at all, in fact. Like when god subtracted everyone but Noah's family. That's bad juju.


Or when Samson got his hair removed from his head and turned into a bit of a limp dick. Or when a butt plus a penis equaled a rain of sulfuric fire. Or when Solomon tried to turn that baby into a fraction.


Short Answer: Maybe Santa Claus wrote the bible. That would explain a lot.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Question: Canucks, huh?

Yea. Ouch.


Not sure what to say about game six. I thought they looked pretty good. Obviously they gave up too many scoring chances, but I thought they were the better team.


After the year the Canucks had, with all the positivity, this probably won't sit well. Getting to the playoffs was obviously the number one goal, but losing to the Flames is a bad way to go out.


There will be questions now about the veteran leadership of this team. I think we might see an even bigger push toward youth next campaign.


And of course, a brand new goalie controversy. Yay!


Short Answer: That yay was sarcastic. I know it was obvious. But still.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Question: Why does my husband say I am damned and will be tortured forever because I tell him Cathulu is nothing but a naughty little squid with an attitude problem?

Cathulu is what I imagine an annoying, female secretary named Cathy would be called behind her back because she's passive-aggressive and wears heels that make her walk like a monster and smells of baby powder and can't keep her mascara from running and leaves big poops in the employee bathroom after eating both of the crullers.


Cthulhu, however, is a badass who would do a great job as your secretary.


I've never been a huge Cthulhu guy when it comes to the Elder Gods. I'm more into Nyarlathotep, because he knows how to fix the copier.


Your husband is correct. The Christian Satan really likes Lovecraft stories, so he'll probably steal you from the loving arms of god and take you into the bowels of hell to be set upside down in a river of feces.


No biggie.


Short Answer: Human words can't hurt Cthulhu. Say what you want about his attitude, he'll still eat your boat.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Question: How do I prepare for every outcome?

Batman style utility belt with a Swiss Army knife and a change of underwear.


Short Answer: Covered from shark attacks to shit pants.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Question: 49ers fans complain about Seahawks stadium noise. Pelicans coach Williams bitches about the 'illegally loud' Oracle arena. The Jets arena was so eardrum shatteringly loud last night - and they still lost. Does the crowd actually influence the game?

In football it does for sure because it can interfere with the visiting teams ability to communicate. In others sports this is not a factor.


Momentum can matter, but crowds are as likely to go silent when they shouldn't as pump up a team at exactly the right time, so I don't see crowd noise as much of an influence in other sports.


People are dumb. Crowds are made of people. They are dumb.


Short Answer: Some of the best players in the world - especially in hockey - will get a bee in their bonnet when the crowd is against them. You think Jonathon Toews gives a shit what your home crowd is doing? You think Steve Yzerman got sad when the crowd got loud? Fuck and no.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Question: What's the deal with birthdays?

At some point, we all use our heads to stretch our mothers' vaginas to outrages dimensions. Either that, or our mother suffers a grievous wound and we're pulled out through it like a bawling splinter, a squawking, sloppy, fleshy impalement.


Then, every year after that, we are reminded that we accomplished these things by eating cake.


This makes no sense? Neither does Jesus or Santa Claus or flying squirrels.


As an adult, birthdays become an annual reminder that you've fended off the grim reaper for another spell, though we become gradually more aware that he could be right behind us at any moment with every candle atop the aforementioned cake. And he's got a big-ass scythe.


We're not wheat, you might say. Sadly, to him, we're wheat.


If you get your head on straight (which is a great idea before that fucker comes along and lops it off) birthdays become a day of celebration, an excuse to do something fun with the people you love. Like pinochle with your uncle, or water slides with your high school gym teacher, or sex with yourself while people watch on the internet.


Personally, I like to play games with friends. It guarantees both fun and companionship on a day that can feel lonely without.


Short Answer: We're wheat.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Question: How great is Tay Tay Swizzle?

Shit. This means Taylor Swift, doesn't it? I was about to go look this up, hoping for something comical for inspiration. No deal. 

I don't know much about her. She seems funny. I like that. She's skinny. I don't like that. So we're back to square one. She makes catchy pop songs. That's both good and bad; no help there.

I got nothing on this. She inspires no strong emotions or boners in me.

I think I like my popstars to be more whorish, to set a good example for the next generation of whores. Who else can we count on?

Short Answer: The best thing about Taylor Swift is that my buddy's daughter - who likes to sing - has a Taylor Swift songbook. I got to play guitar along with her one day while she sang, and it made learning how to play the guitar in the first place totally worth it. 

Question: A few games in, what is your first impression of the officiating in the Stanley cup playoffs?

I've spoken on-blog before about officiating, especially soccer and hockey where I believe it is often the most controversial.


So far, nothing has happened in the playoffs that sticks out particularly. I expect nonsense, like even-up penalties and laying off on the losing team. Maybe I like hockey enough that I've learned to put up with the bullshit.


Here's a question. How can you get multiple game misconducts? How can you get thrown out of a game more than once? Dumb.


And I understand in the old one referee system that a single man is responsible for the game, and if he makes a mistake he might want to make things fair by calling something down the road. But the culture of even-up penalties makes no sense at all in the two referee system, where you having duelling opinions. If one team is lively, fast, aggressive or in any way outplaying the other, then penalties should be lopsided, as the beaten team tries to keep up. So why isn't this the case? Calling penalties equally creates artificial parity where none should exist.


Another angle on this is the 'putting the whistles away' in the playoffs bullshit. You're just saying to the lesser team that they can be as chippy, cheap and dangerous as they want because both teams will be punished equally when all is said and done, if anyone is punished at all. This leads to crap like 'sending a message' at the end of a game, and stupid instigator suspensions and line brawls.


Short Answer: Also, fines don't do shit. The fine structure in the NHL is absolutely laughable. Real game time missed is the only reinforcement that works, and I don't even like that due to how often they botch the call on suspensions.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Question: McDavid to the Oilers?

Yep.


Equal parts joy and fear, here.


I want the Oilers to come back. I grew up on a strong franchise and watching them flounder has been sad. I'm happy for them, glad they got their star, finally.


Oh, wait. Didn't they get their star a bunch of times already?


Sure McDavid is the most sought after prospect since Crosby, but it's not like Hall, Nugent-Hopkins, Yakupov and Eberle were pieces of shit. Each one of those draft picks was supposed to put the Oilers back into the hunt for the playoffs.


I hope that Edmonton takes this boon and really starts shaping a team that can win. Maybe it's time to give up on one of the other young cats to bring in some of the missing pieces. (To be fair, they did finally move Sam Gagner. Then they got rid of David Perron, to balance that out with boneheadery.)


Or...bear with me, trade that pick? I know it sounds crazy, but look at all the young talent in Edmonton! Imagine how much better you could make that team right now by trading off a McDavid!


No, no, that's crazy. They'd never forgive themselves when he turns into a monster, which he will. Just hope they're keeping all options open and not just assuming that the edition of one young player is going to solve all their woes.


Short Answer: Nurse and Draisaitl are coming, too. If you ask me, this is the time to clean house in management, get rid of all the alums and hire fresh. Give a new management team a chance to mold all these talented players. (Either that or just bring in Gretzky. That's what we did in Vancouver to reboot: brought back Linden to be the saviour. Created a lot of good mojo around the city and the team.)


Note: Speaking of draft picks and moving players and such, how pissed are the Oilers about Dubnyk right now?


Other Note: Is McDavid a Crosby? Or is he an Alexandre Daigle? How much of a wrench would that be?

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Question: Now that X-Files and Twin Peaks are coming back, is there another show that you'd like to see rebooted?

First off - and in the spirit of discouraging you from ever asking me another question - I don't think either of the shows you mentioned are going to be reboots. At least not the X-Files, which is returning with its original cast, and I'm guessing a Cigarette Smoking Corpse.


I think if the reboot era of entertainment has taught us anything, it's that the reboot era of entertainment sucked. My instinct is to favor new material, though I shy away from saying 'original' material, because half of the so-called original shows on TV are just re-packaged ideas anyway.


Re-boot, re-package, re-imagine, re-work...what a bunch of poops.


If the question was just about bringing a show back as is, I don't know if I'd be behind that, either. When they brought 24 back I was super pumped, and I had some fun, but it didn't feel the same as it had before. You can't go back, my friends.


You could take anything from the past, good or bad, and theoretically make it into a watchable show these days. The standards for TV - if we can even call it that anymore - are off the charts. Netflix in particular with its binge-favoring, episodic, practically-giant-ass-movies thing has really raised the bar, on the heels of other non-network entities doing incredible, ground-breaking work. The Daredevil series, for example, made WB's Arrow look like a shining lump of old, dry turds.


So the answer is anything. Give it all you got. Reboot the shit out of it. Doesn't hurt the original material. Only do it with a great company so it can be treated with respect, and so we can have an adult level of violence and sexuality rather than whatever the network censors are in the mood to allow that week.


Short Answer: Let's bring back the old Canadian sketch-comedy show, Bizarre. There were titties in it!

Friday, April 17, 2015

Question: So the Batman/Superman trailer leaked...

Yea. Nothing is sacred.


And yes, I watched it. Couldn't help myself. I wanted to wait; I'll get to see it in a few weeks. Problem is, now, everyone else on the fucking planet does watch this type of thing, and I'll be the only one who hasn't seen it and likely it will get ruined for me in some capacity that's beyond my control.


I had to watch it! Don't you see?


I was underwhelmed. And I really didn't like the announcement to release a teaser for the trailer, and the reserving places to see the trailer online and all that bullshit. Release the fucking trailer or don't. This is a good lesson. All this baby-step, hype machine nonsense is damn-near unnecessary.


And all for what? A few lines of dialogue and a few frames of superheroes? And the important part was from the footage they showed at Comic-Con last year. So boo to the hype and spectacle and boo to the project, and boo-urns for not making a better fucking trailer and releasing wide.


Short Answer: I mean did anyone not see this coming after they pre-announced the pre-release for the pre-teaser to the pre-trailer? Of course it was going to be leaked. Don't bait nerds. We'll eat your whole boat.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Question: How exactly are the three seashells supposed to work?

I thought I'd answered this before, but I can't find it. It references the three seashell toilet situation in the movie Demolition Man starring Wesley Snipes and Sly Stallone.


Avoiding the obvious 'two shells to separate, one to dig' answer, I always figured because it was the future they weren't really seashells, just buttons to operate the future toilet. Like one seashell for wet, one for dry and one for wax.


The dude who wrote it said he just called his buddy and asked for an idea, and the guy said, 'there's a bag of seashells in the bathroom with me.' So the truth is sad, as per usual.


Short Answer: Your penis is average. Just another sad truth. Wait, that's kind of one-sided. Women? Your vagina has degraded at an average rate, despite your lack of/constant sexual activity.


(Here's a bonus link mentioning the shells:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/04/question-what-are-top-twenty-things-you.html )

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Question: How often should I work out?

Every damn day. Eight times a day if you can. You might not realize it, but Earth is like one of those planets from the Star Trek TV show. Pretty much everything here is trying to kill you and wants you to die. Exercise is your only defense. Unless you're smart enough to avoid everything bad and not wear a tight, red shirt.


They say you should have at least one rest day but I say to hell with that. Better to kill yourself defending yourself than to waddle blindly into a death trap! That's right, rest day is when they get ya!


Short Answer: You could also just not eat so many pizzas, but what kind of life would that be?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Question: Are you an Olympic level athlete?

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/07/question-have-you-ever-won-olympic-medal.html


I'll never forget when I was about ten years old. My friends and I all played soccer in the city league, but one of the guys was terrible. One time, I remember in the middle of the game, he was just standing there looking at a piece of grass he'd picked up out of the ground.


That's what I think of when people ask me about high-level athletics. It ain't just what you can do, it's what you've got upstairs. I think some people are constructed mentally in such a way that they can achieve high levels of athletic success. Some of us are just looking at the grass.


Short Answer: I looked at the grass a little too much, methinks.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Question: Top Ten wrestling holds?

10) The Knee Swiffer
9) Butt Meat Leg Lock
8) The Porny Express
7) Chocolate Charlie
6) The Fresh Maker
5) Ring Post Pilates
4) The Execution of Balls
3) Muggin'
2) The Right, Left, Right to Choose
1) Ass-To-Mouth Cradle


Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: The Ball Snifter, Quit Hitting Your Own Taint, My Love For You is Like a Truck, Creamed Eggs, Tumbleweed Wrist Poke, Armbar.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Question: What are your Stanley cup playoff first round predictions?

Ah, shit. I'm not ready for this, yet.


Parity is nuts in the old NHL these days, and picking winners in the first round is more of a coin toss than ever I can remember. Used to be that you could safely predict 1 beating 8 and 2 beating 7 without looking like a fool. Now, it doesn't even work like that. It's almost like every game is a 4 vs 5.


Having said that, to the question:


East:


New York Rangers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins - This might be the easiest call because Pittsburgh forgot how to play hockey down the stretch. And despite the Flower's come back season in goal, he's notoriously not as good in the postseason.


Washington Capitals vs. New York Islanders - I don't believe in the Caps. No matter how good they played this year, I feel like it's the Islanders time.


Montreal Canadiens vs. Ottawa Senators - Goaltenders can steal a series. We know that. The Hamburgler is ungodly. Too bad he's facing the MVP this year between the other posts.


Tampa Bay Lightning vs. Detroit Red Wings - Similar to the Isles, it feels like the Lightning had a legitimately great year and it's their time to head forward. Detroit's 're-imagining' is impressive, just not gonna work out this year.


West:


Anaheim Ducks vs. Winnipeg Jets - This is going to be close, but the upset doesn't come here. Anaheim is too damn good.


Vancouver Canucks vs. Calgary Flames - Maybe the closest one to call. Both teams are on the rise, having stellar years after feeble ones. Seven games almost guaranteed. Home ice and penalty kill decides this one.


St. Louis Blues vs. Minnesota Wild - Here's your upset. The Wild are a bunch of assholes this year, and they're going to play St. Louis tough. When the Blues can't push back hard enough to take control, they'll fold from the net out.


Nashville Predators vs. Chicago Blackhawks - I'm not calling this an upset. Nashville faded in the second half and Jonathon Toews exists. Chicago is still capable of going far.


Short Answer: Rangers in 4. Islanders in 6. Canadiens in 5. Lightning in 6. Ducks in 6. Canucks in 7. Wild in 6. Blackhawks in 7.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Question: My foot hurts, but in a way that doesn't seem bad. When do I know it's time for the doctor?

Masturbation is the truest test of when something is affecting your life. If you masturbate and forget about your foot pain, you're totally fine. Even if you can't eat because it hurts so much, that won't kill you anytime soon. But if you can't achieve an orgasm because of how bad something hurts, you'd better go to the doctor and pronto.


Another good test for foot pain specifically is can you walk at all? Because if not, how are you going to get to the doctor, asshole?


Short Answer: 'In a way that doesn't seem bad' is just below 'In a way that's beginning to annoy me'. That's well below 'In a way that makes me rage-punch inanimate objects' and 'Fuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk!'

Friday, April 10, 2015

Question: What's your favorite game to play on your phone?

I like playing, 'Don't waste your life playing shitty games on your stupid phone.' That's probably my favorite.


Or Candy Crush.


Short Answer: I'm kinda down with Lumosity, if that counts, because it makes me feel good about my big, bad brain. I pretend that having a giant score makes me better at dealing with the real world, though that's probably a bunch of bullshit. Better chance that I'll die crossing the street because I saw a 'pattern' in the birds whirling above and didn't pay attention to the 'pattern' of a bus hurtling toward me.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Question: Yank-it Blanket or Skeet Towel?

I've never once heard semen referred to as skeet. I don't get it. I don't think I get it. Is it because you pull? Now I get it.


I'm gonna have to go neither. We live in a society. And in a society you don't have to jizz on things. You can just jizz on people. I've rarely in my life not had a person nearby when I feel the need to let loose a ropey cum rainbow. Usually, I'm inspired to do so because there is a person nearby. You'd be surprised how affable someone can be when you explain to them that the reason you're touching yourself is because of how inspired you became whilst looking at their be-yogapanted bottom. I think it's an awfully rare occurrence to have someone turn away from such a magical offer as, "Seein' how this is kinda yours and all, why don't you whip down those trousers so I can blow cream all over that fat ass."


My record has been good. I'm sure you'll do just as well. And if not, there's lots of people in prison who want to come all over you, so it'll work out one way or another.


Short Answer: You can also come directly into the toilet. They're cleaner than most surfaces and all vaginas.



Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Question: So, Halloween is around the corner...

Very funny, jerks.


I woke up this morning with something funny in my head: #PervertNoShirt


It's funny 'cause it rhymes. Thanks subconscious!


Obviously Halloween isn't close, though if this is a commentary on how fast years go by, I have to agree. It's Christmas constantly.


Therefore, I have to respect the question. Because technically speaking, everything is around the corner.


So...yep. Another year of horror movie marathons and month-long candy binges. Though every year I try to shorten the binge a little. Last year I failed terribly, leading to a winter of excess where I put on a shit-ton of weight that I didn't need. Been working that off just recently to some success. Would be great as I age not to put myself behind the eight ball every fucking holiday season.


Maybe this 'coming' Halloween I'll finally start spelling the word with an apostrophe, old school style. We can hope!


Short Answer: Why did you ask this question? Why do this to me? Are you so bored that you need to throw me this a-topical wrench and ruin my shit? Whatever. I'm not complaining. I'll be fine. Just fine. No! You're the one who's protesting too much! You are! You!!!!! (snap)

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Question: I haven't done my taxes in a while. What should I do?

Your taxes.


Here's some advice. Go pay some dude to do it for you. Who gives a shit if you have to pay? Doing your taxes by yourself is a good way to replicate driving a ragged, wooden stake up your peephole. People should never fret about shit like this. You don't know anything about money? Pay someone who does. Irony and problem solving all at once.


Other Things That Doing Your Taxes By Yourself May Feel Like:


Rubbing ceasar rim salt into a carpet burn.
Laying naked on blanket woven from poison oak.
Shaving your balls with a straight razor dipped in lime juice.
Having a conversation at the bar.
Choosing who will be raped: you or someone you love.
Drinking a chocolate Drano milkshake.
Sucking a raw, freshly-cracked egg out of the bumhole of a head-standing lunch lady.
Exfoliating your armpits with broken glass.
Having sex with a hairy dude who just pooped.
Being in school.


Short Answer: I'm always super honest on my tax returns. I'm way too pretty for jail. Get it? Because they'll ass rape me a bunch. Oh, you got it. Sorry.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Question: How do you catch an Easter bunny?

I'm surprised this doesn't happen more around holidays. Very rarely do I get more than one question about any given thing. It's like you're all out there conspiring. "I already asked him about Labor Day. You ask the one about poop."


First of all, I wouldn't want to catch an Easter bunny. I don't want to know how they carry and deposit all those eggs. It's like the three shells from Demolition Man; some things you're supposed to ponder, unresolved, until the day you die.


Also, imagine if I did catch an Easter bunny mid-lay. The kids are running around the yard, collecting eggs, then one of them comes upon a bloodied, furry corpse.


"Don't worry, honey. We can turn him into soup." isn't going to cut through the hysterics.


I guess a slip is probably the best way. That's when you make a little noose for a rabbit, and it runs through it, choking itself to death. Yay, hunting!


Short Answer: I kinda don't think we should catch things. It rarely ends well.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Question: Easter?

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/03/question-if-you-could-replace-easter.html


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/04/question-jesus-versus-easter-bunny.html


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/03/question-what-do-you-do-at-easter.html


Short Answer: That should oughta do it.


Note: Now I feel bad for not creating any original content. One time I saw a video on the internet that was a guy dressed as a big ass Easter bunny beating the shit out of people. That was great. We good?


I never do this, but I'm being so lazy today...here's the link:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrg0B_yJAo

Friday, April 3, 2015

Question: Whose toads are these?

Nope.


Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.


I don't know what the fuck this means. Maybe the cane toad invasion of Australia? Probably not. No one cares about that.


If you've got a bunch of toads, here's what you do.


1: Make sure they aren't frogs. Frogs hate being called toads.
2: Find out if they're the kind that when you lick 'em, you get super high.
3: Lick 'em.
4: Get super high.
5: Come up with a better question.


Short Answer: You've got some real world problems if someone leaves a bunch of toads near you.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Question: Got any yo mama jokes? Don't think I've seen you go that route.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/11/question-why-are-you-so-mean-to-our.html


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/06/question-is-keeping-it-real-hard-on.html


Those are a couple of mom-centric answers. Not really yo mama jokes, though. But my brand, I suppose, the kind where I explain what I did to your mother. There are more on my site, but I was too lazy to post them, because I have a busy schedule today. I have a lot to do before I put multiple fingers in your mom's stuff.


I don't think I've ever written a yo mama joke. Let me try.


Yo mama so fat and stupid, she got a divorce from your dad so she could eat the alimony.


For a first try, I gotta say I'm pretty pleased with that. Let's try again.


Yo mama's milkshake so nasty, Daniel Day Lewis wouldn't drink it.


Are these easy? Or am I not nailing this as well as I think I am?


Yo mama so poor, Angelina Jolie showed up.


Yea, I'm nailing it.


Short Answer: The proof that I've never attempted this before is that I wrote 'you mama' almost every time and had to go back and fix them.



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Question: You got a good April Fools prank for us?

Oh my. I have to explain this?


I obviously can't pull an April Fools prank if the question is asking me to do it.


Really?


Gimme a minute.


Okay, I'm back. Let's approach this differently, like I'm giving you an idea for a prank.


By the way, pranks are fucking stupid. If the best way you can think to add laughter to your life is to cause someone else discomfort and pain, you're a piece of shit.


But if I must, and in the spirit of the one day a year that this shit is somehow acceptable, I kinda like the classic cling wrap over the toilet bowl gag. I like the idea that there's magic at play, that you can't see that there's a barrier between you and normal pee. Then, of course, pees splatters and scares the bejesus out of you, which is pretty funny.


Another good one is to freeze a poop in one of those homemade popsicle containers and tell people it's frozen fudge and watch them start sucking on your turd.


Short Answer: Too dark?