Saturday, February 28, 2015

Question: So, Kelly Osbourne lost her job at E!, huh?

I'm glad there was barely a question in this, because now I don't have to give much of an answer.

I remember when that Osbourne reality show came on. It was a huge deal, and one of the first of its kind if my memory serves. Seeing an icon like Ozzy in his daily life, dealing with bratty kids, a wife from the planet Shriek and the perils of television remote ownership was surreal. I was entertained, and yet I never really thought of Ozzy as a legend ever again. He was just a mopey dude in pajama bottoms wondering what the fuck was going on. I regretted having seen it, in all honesty.

What role Kelly Osbourne had to play in real life after this show was not something I thought of at all. And I still haven't. I've noticed her here and there, being fat or skinny. I think that's her thing, right, being fat or skinny?

Anyway, I don't care about celebrities' daughters unless they're naked.

Short Answer: 'E!, huh?' sounds like a donkey.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Question: Best zombie killing weapon?

Okay. I just spent the last hour trying to find the post where I thoroughly answered this question. Somehow, that post does not exist. I was so convinced it did exist that I kept looking, trying different things. Searching my documents, the internet, the site. I don't understand. How can I be wrong? How have I not answered this? I feel like I've talked about it a million times.

The answer is complicated, and yet because I've already spent an hour on this, I'm going to be brief.

The best choice for a zombie killing weapon has a lot to do with your own particular skills, as well as your height and weight, as well as what kind of zombies you're dealing with. Moving forward, let's assume the most common. Slow, infected so you don't want them biting you, and vulnerable to brain damage.

The machete is my number one all purpose zombie killer, but it does take a little strength. If you're more of a precision fighter, or someone with less oomph in their arms, the katana is the next best choice. Distance weapons come next, as they are often underrated and overlooked. A good spear with a sturdy blade on the end is a fine zombie killer, unless you find yourself in close-quarters. I'd advise always having a long knife in addition to whatever main weapon you choose.

Now the guns. Obviously noise is a factor, and ammo, and the possibility of shooting your own stupid foot off. But if you must, a shotgun is going to do the most damage in up close situations, and takes no precision or particular training. With hand guns, you want something reliable. Bigger calibre if you feel you need stopping power, or smaller if you're an accurate marksman.

In conclusion, hitting zombies with a big ass truck is pretty solid. And I know I've mention the shark-launcher on blog before. Sharks are natural enemies to zombies. You just have to find a way to propel them forward with great speed, jaws first.

Short Answer: I swear I've answered this before. It's making me nuts.

Note: I used to have quite a penchant for the axe-handle, because of how it feels when you swing it. But the wood can splinter too easily, leaving you with a stake and the wrong kind of monsters surrounding you. By the way, if you use a bat, go with an aluminum one for the same reason.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Question: How did Rhombus (the shape) get such a cool name?

Probably got it from Rhombus (the non-shape).

In Greek, rhombos means to spin. Like, sit on my finger and rhombos, bitch. Old ass mathemagicians came up with it, like Euclid. Came up with using it in math, that is. They didn't just go around telling people to sit and spin on their fingers without the math in mind. They at least thought, 'one finger plus one ass equals you spinning.'

Did you know that a square is a rhombus? Yea, that's right. Squares just got a little more badass. Who would've thought it possible? Good luck topping that one, circles, you pieces of useless shit! If it wasn't for pizza...

Rhombuses are also parallelograms. That isn't when someone comes to your door and sings you a song. Though I don't know if the internet is right about this one. Seems fishy.

Short Answer: Bit of a weak ending. Whole answer was a bit misshapen, bit less than equilateral. Not necessarily taken from the right angle. Anyone? Euclid would've laughed, jerks.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Question: Would you say you're a flexible guy?

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From the Dude Walking Closely Behind You in a Dark Alley

#10-1) "Would you say you're a flexible guy?"

When I was young, I was quite flexible. When I had to do the test for the gymnastics portion of elementary school physical education, I would pick the splits as one of my three disciplines. Balance beam and camel toe were my others, most years.

I played a little goal in hockey, and I used to be fairly flexible when it was time to shut the door. I'm pretty clutch, though in this case, I might have willed myself to be more flexible with desire and awesomeness.

Now I'm old. There are still a few remnants. I can touch my toes really easily.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From the Dude Walking Closely Behind You in a Dark Alley

Honorable Mention: "I bet you can touch your toes really easily."

Otherwise, I'm as creaky and condensed as any person who spent their life smashing into other dudes and...what? Again? Alright. I'll wait.

Top Ten Things You...


"You look like you've spent some time smashing into other dudes."

Short Answer: I give up.

Note: "You look like the kind of guy who gives up easily."

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Question: Christopher Nolan seems to be fascinated with time and the perception of time. What are your thoughts about this?

Yea, perceiving time is alright.

Did you know you can alter your own perception of time? By focusing on a certain thought or stimulus, you can slow it down. I think it's called chronostasis, and if it isn't, it sure as hell should be.

If Christopher Nolan made a move called Chronostasis, would you poop in your pants?

I never really noticed that Nolan was particularly fascinated by time. Therefore, because this is a new concept and feels strange to me, I will shun it. Booo! That's not true! You're a liar!

I know he's spent a long time on his perception of Batman. Is that what you meant? Batman?

Obviously this is a key factor in Interstellar, and I suppose one must admit that time dilation plays quite a significant role in Inception. Hey, ever notice Nolan's fascination with words that start with 'in'? That may be an even more interesting - holy shit! He did the remake of Insomnia, too, didn't he? Interstellar, Inception, Insomnia! This is big, right?


Short Answer: You may think I dodged this question, but all I did was alter your perception of time by slowing down your ability to enjoy the answer. short answer: this short answer is inside the other short answer!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Question: What time is it? It's poetry time!

He has so many pretty eyes
I love his retractable penis
he goes in and out all night.

His tentacles are soft
And much better than fingers
Because they don't have nails or knuckles

When he screams with pleasure
The noise is so horrible that my body tenses with fear
And I squeeze down super hard

My orgasms are legendary
And even though during them I speak
with a voice from beyond the living

He doesn't seem to mind.
Not as much as the neighbors, at least
They're hair has turned completely white

My other man is a monster
And I'm not afraid to say
That I'm leaving you

You can shove your blueberry pancakes
and your incessant need for love
I'll be better off with open wounds on my back
and a bowl full of half-mashed cockroaches

Short Answer: Not sure today was a good day for poetry...

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Question: Can you help a brother to understand relativity?


You just take space and time and make them into one word.

Short Answer: Stephen Hawking's book A Brief History of Time is about as concise as it gets. I just didn't have time today to reword it all and present it like it was mine.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Question: Why would someone name their kid "Irving?"

I'm guessing it would have to be the kind of person who's genuinely interested in seeing what a kid will be like if he gets punched right in the face every single day of his childhood, then gets rejected every single day of his adult life by the opposite/same sex and then has the best name in the whole goddamn nursing home!

I've often wondered about interesting names. Irving may not be that interesting, but the kid would probably stick out at least a little. What does that do to a kid? To have a singular name? I know from experience that having a singular name can be positive, can give you a sense of identity. But if I'd been called Crapwheel, I doubt - despite the singularity - that I'd have gotten much out of it.

The other thing to consider is that Irving might not be a bad choice. Names are cyclical, and the 'old man' name has come around again in the last few years. But trends are a tough thing to consider when naming your child. Again, because we don't really know what the effect will be.

Personally, I'm hoping the old lady names come back around soon. Haven't seen a Maude in forever, right?

Short Answer: I guess go with your gut, unless the reason you're going with your gut is because you're an idiot. That's where shit like North West comes from.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Question: When is it too late to start over?

My first thought is about pooping. You can never start a wipe over. That first choice: formation of paper, angle, dab or swipe...once you've chosen there is no going back, no matter what sort of a god awful mess you've made.

My mind then goes to sexy times, as if often does after a good poop. It's hard to say exactly when it's too late to start over when it comes to intercourse. If you lose your erection because you keep thinking about that time you saw a huge, trucker lady break a bottle of ketchup in half while pounding on it with an open palm, you could still theoretically start from the top. Even if you've already blown it and the woman beneath your attentions didn't get a chance to finish in those forty-seven seconds, you can still get another pole-on and get to the doin' after a grace period of two or thirty minutes. Crying. That's it. It's too late too start over once you succumb to the desire to bawl your eyes out mid-coitus. No one wants a slobbery baby all over their cootch.

Life? I'd say nineteen years old. Before then, you can always call a mulligan and act like a total child in nearly any situation. But when you get out of high school, your free pass has expired, and you're locked in to whatever decisions you've made for your personality. You can always change cities to try to start over, but you'll come back around to being the same douche bag pretty much. I can attest.

Opera? The minute they shut the doors.
Politics? The moment your soul descends to hell.
Human Trafficking? Right after the first success. Yea, sorry.
Lego? I'd say just after the foundation. If you end up with a space ship house, so be it.
A video game? Can you reach the reset button? Then never!

Short Answer: It's too late to start over the millisecond I write Short Answer. I'm already out of the gate, running for the finish line, a small, angry man on my back, a confusing metaphor in tow.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Question: What can the world do about ISIS?

One thing that I'm going to do is ignore them. So this answer won't be satisfying.

I'm that guy who doesn't want to know the name of the dude who shot up a school. I don't care about that person. I don't want to popularize a piece of shit.

I'm of a mind to encourage good folk in the region to take responsibility and kill the fuck out of those guys, and yet I'm not against 'Merica getting involved. What's all that military budget for if not to end wankers?

Whole thing makes me sick.

On one hand, they're just another flavor of the day terrorist group, a by-product of the western world insinuating itself into a centuries old religious conflict. And yet, every day that they're allowed to perform atrocity is another day that innocent people die. Glad I'm not the decider when it comes to this sort of thing. Though it's completely unlike me in other situations where real diplomacy could prove fruitful, I can't help been lean toward the 'carpet bomb' approach with this one.

Short Answer: I think handing them their asses might slow their role. Some bullies need a punch in the face.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Question: Where is your place of tranquility?

This is a tough one for me.

My thoughts go to oral sex, as they should, but that's not really all that tranquil for me. I've tried, for example, to receive oral sex while watching sports or playing video games. I end up not paying all that much attention to the sports or putting my controller down, on account of there's a topless woman's mouth around my horn. (And if she isn't distracting me from what I'm doing, and isn't already topless, my wife will become topless on purpose to distract me. That bitch.)

My second thought is pizza. Again, I'm happy during pizza, but also I'm a ravenous monster who's hellbent on dying of heart disease within the next three mouthfuls. So that's not really tranquil.

This question asks about a place. I assumed a metaphorical one, and yet an actual place might be the correct answer for me. Though I find deep water terrifying, I've always had a sense of peace looking out over it's calm surface. It's possible that my place of tranquility is waterside, whatever the water may be.

Whoops. Did I say waterside? I meant waterslide! Nothing more tranquil than fatty in a bikini, am I right?

Short Answer: Tranquility is something I wish I could achieve more easily. Thanks for pointing out my failings, dick.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Question: Why are they dumping Andrew Garfield?

I would never dump Andrew Garfield. He's dreamy.

I don't know that it's confirmed that they're getting rid of him. Though if they're trying to distance themselves from the Amazing Spider-Man movies they have to, don't they?

I'd prefer they kept him, though talk of Logan Lerman makes for an exciting third big screen incarnation.

I think if Marvel was taking over completely, then the switch would happen. But if Sony hopes to continue making Spider-Man movies, I suspect there's a possibility they want to keep their established Peter Parker. I'm pretty sure the actor who plays the character in a movie wasn't part of the rights deal they worked out.

If they do switch, it's because they want a fresh start. And having him show up in the 'Avengers universe' is a good time to make that switch easy on the fans.

Spider-Man has a very specific role in the comic version of Civil War, and that may also be playing into the decision whether or not to cast a new actor for this slightly new role.

Short Answer: I thought Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield together made the Amazing movies worth watching. With her out of the picture, maybe it's okay to move on. Especially after the mess of Shailene Woodley as Mary Jane being cast, then cut. Fresh start might be for the best.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Question: Fender or Gibson?

That's a rough thing to be waiting for me when I wake up. Like that time I had sex with the 'overaged' prostitute. I thought overaged would mean, like, 35? It did not. I woke up to a Shar Pei dog with hardcore cigarette/penis breath.

I've always been more of a Fender man myself. I grew up on Strats and found them the most accessible electrics, and when I bought my first guitar, it was a Fender Telecaster that I still have to this day. I like the thinner necks on the Teles; that's my proverbial jam.

But I have no bad thoughts for Gibson. I love the look of their guitars and there's no beating the sound that comes out of a Les Paul when hooked to a monster tube setup.

(My secret crush is Paul Reed Smith. Shhhhh. Don't tell.)

And since when do prostitutes sleep over? Just for this joke? Exactly!

Short Answer: My favorite thing is still a Telecaster played through a simple blues driver pedal. Digging on some Albert King licks and feeling like a badass.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Question: Could you give us a comparative review of Total Recall (1990) & (2012)?

That sounds like a lot of work.

I don't mind remakes, but it's because I put a condition on myself. I try not to compare them, at least initially. I attempt to watch the remake/reboot/reimagining as though the other film didn't exist, and I sure as hell don't let the existence of a new movie fool me into thinking the original has somehow been harmed.

Who doesn't love Total Recall? Paul Verhoeven is awesome and hilarious. So much iconic shit in that film from three boobs lady to Quato.

As for the new one, I think it's a classic case of trying to make something completely different. It's slicker and smoother and moves along at an action movie pace, with little humour and some great ideas. I enjoyed the newer one, more than I do most remakes.

But by comparing the two, you're doing a disservice to both. The amount of time alone that's passed in the interim indicates a very different approach to film. The day's of the gore-filled rated R film like Total Recall are of the past, and to compare a boobless, bloodless entry like the new one to that glory is to hold up a picture of a girl in a snowsuit next to a girl doing some topless skiing. Or a picture of a dead, peaceful grandma compared to a dead, peaceful grandma with a bloody eye popped out onto her cheek.

In this case, Total Recall isn't just a gore and boobs movie. It's actually pretty fucking solid. So that puts it in the upper echelon of movies you shouldn't compare modern movies to or you'll have to come face to face with the fact that Hollywood only cares about the almighty dollar. PG sells more tickets. And that's why fewer movies are made for 'us' these days.

I thought the new Total Recall was a decent little sci-fi flick, a strong effort.

Short Answer: If you think I'm being crazy saying good shit about the Total Recall remake, go watch Robocop and then its remake. That is a far, far greater discrepancy. Maybe, though I don't normally suggest not making movies, they should consider not remaking Paul Verhoeven movies. No one can come close to matching the level of fun that exists in his films.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Question: Really Kanye?

It's funny. My wife commented on the whole walking on stage at the Grammy's thing, and having not seen it, I assumed it was a joke. Like he just did that because he knew it would be funny and he was showing some humility. A sign that he'd grown as a person.


I heard the comments afterward and realized how wrong I was to defend this man's obscene and lengthy sense of self-importance.

And Beck? Yea. Maybe not the best guy to pick on, you dummy. A classy artist, who in retaliation, said he thought Kanye was a genius.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we need to stop calling Kanye a fucking genius. Not to say that he isn't in terms of music, but what is he in terms of everything else? If you're this much of a jackass, doesn't it eventually outweigh whatever other talents you have? I think Kanye is a jackass first and foremost. What he does with and for music has become rather irrelevant.

If he heard himself being referred to as a jackass enough times, maybe just maybe he'd slow his role on all the jackassery.

Short Answer: I think it's possible. He's always struck me as the kind of guy that if you pointed and laughed at him, he'd cry.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Question: What good are beards for?

This is like a combination question. It's both 'What good are beards?' and 'What are beards for?' That's a sneaky way to get two questions in one. Like going to the drive-through window and saying "I forgot to ask for fries and sex with you."

You just might get both. Greasy, salty both.

Here's the deal with beards. That make you look like you have a jawline and a chin if you're of British decent and are equipped with neither. They also apparently keep your face warm, but I don't notice that because I've had a beard since before they invented whiners. I've also noticed they're good at being on Commander William Riker.

Short Answer: Nerd shout out: Beards are not so good at being on Lieutenant Thomas 'Tom' Riker.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Question: "Guilty" by Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb?

I'm not a Barbra girl. I find her funny. I liked her in funny girl.

That paragraph was great.

What I'm saying is that I'm not a huge fan of her singing voice, so I'm never going to be super into a soft rock Streisand song. But let me say, when Gibb first makes a noise in Guilty, it's amazing. He just does one of those 'ahhaah' things and it's hilarious.

They sound pretty good together. And Barry Gibb's song writing ability is not up for debate. Problem is, despite my acceptance of his skills, I don't like fucking disco, and I don't care much for the BeeGees, so this is a hard sell for me.

As yacht rock goes, I lean more toward Peter Cetera.

Short Answer: Oh shit! I didn't realize Guilty was actually a full album! I just totally fucked this question! !!!...!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Question: Are you left-handed or right-handed?

Obviously this is a question about masturbation. Not fooled.

I'm right-handed when I write, but I'm left-handed when I'm performing a selfnasty. I think it stems from using the mouse with my right hand. On the computer. Looking at the ladies. The left is free. For touching. Angry, resentful touching.

Short Answer: Once in a while I pull a righty backstroke to switch up the finish. Then I lay waste to my favorite cum-Popple. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Question: What kind of cocktail would you create for my wedding?

You ever seen those super hot pictures on the internet where a woman is getting ready for her wedding day, and she hasn't put on her dress yet? Either her boobs are out or she's got a bum flash goin' on. I find those really sexy. They don't necessarily rev my engine, but there's something about a woman getting ready for her big day, and the fact that she's excited, and her friends and family are around + nudity.

Though it would be cruel to ruin the groom's day by sneaking in and making a cocktail out of my juices and the soon-to-be-bride's juices, because I'm such an excellent and caring lover I think it would really make her day even more special. Even if the bridesmaids wanted to watch and take notes.

I'm sorry to be juvenile but cock means penis and tail means getting some with your penis so I don't understand how anyone is expected to see that word and not immediately think about pursuing the do. First thought I had when I read this question was tipping the bride over the cake and making her bottom as messy as her face is. You know, after she gets cake on her face. Was that not clear?

Okay, okay, your wife is a bit of a 'messy face' anyway, but we're getting off topic. Back to it. Her vagina. No, no, hold on...

I'm not much of an alcohol guy. I always found champagne cocktails rather delightful, and I think red - the de facto color of love - is too often ignored at wedding time. So perhaps something a little sweet, like grenadine, and maybe a few pomegranate pearls in with the champagne to make a nice bubbly love potion.

Short Answer: Just think of it all as a prima nocta, thing. Who better to fuck your wife before you than me?

Monday, February 9, 2015

Question: I need a title for my new painting. What name would you give it?

Sunrise Abortion
The Kitchen Maid and Her Big Fat Ass
The Smell of a Movie Theater Hand Job
The Persistence of Mammary
Concerned Man Dons Regal Attire
The Birth of Penis
The Ass-Doer
Girl With a Pearl Necklace
Dogs Playing Poker After Atomic Blast
Whistler From Blade's Mother
Two Mona Lisa's, One Receptacle for Excrement
The Virgin and Child With St. Anne and a Creepy Dude in the Back
The Heat from Genitals
Super Christina's World
Fruit Bowl
Lady With an Ermine Coat
Lunch With a Giant Seagull MaƮtre D'
The Potato Peelers
Self Taint
Wheatfield with Crows, New Parking Lot

Short Answer: A Poop would be a good title as well.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Question: If you were a guest radio dj and were asked to pick a theme for a program, what would it be and what would the playlist be?

Songs That Are Uncomfortable to Listen to in the Car Ride Home From School With Your Mom

Patricia the Stripper by Chris de Burgh
All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You by Heart
Let's Get it On by Marvin Gaye
Strokin' by Clarence Carter
Cream by Prince
Let's Talk About Sex by Salt 'N' Peppa
Mother by Pink Floyd
Anaconda by Nicki Minaj
Closer by Nine Inch Nails
Slap My Bitch Up by The Prodigy

Then we can throw in some commercials about Vagisil and an SPCA ad so we can argue about getting a puppy and that's an hour!

Short Answer: For me, for some reason, All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You is the worst. The worst.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Question: If Greco-Roman wrestling doesn't use hands, which is the one that does?

Yea, that's not right.

(I'm trying an experiment today. I have to poop super bad, but instead of doing that, I'm trying to squeeze out my answer.)

Greco-Roman doesn't allow you to grab below the waist (sorry fellas). It has nothing to do with not using your hands.

(I don't know if I'm going to make it. These sidebars of explanation are going to lead to chair defecation. Why did I choose the word defecation? It's so long!)

Imagine wrestling where you don't use your hands. It's like a cock fight (not that kind, sorry fellas) with two dudes just bumping chests together and squawking.

(That was a bit of a tangent. I can't afford the time to do those. I need to stay focused, get the poop through the anus. No, no! Bad analogy. Breathe...)

There is leg wrestling, where you lie on your back and wrap legs, but I don't consider that a major form of wrestling (of which there are six) because you can't do sports from your back.

(Except sex, am I right? Oh, damn it. Because I'm so focused on trying not to shit, the act of pooping is floating around my imagination like a turd floating in the toilet bowl. I just pictured two people leg wrestling and pooping at each other and they were moaning like it was giving them sexual release.)

So, in conclusion, your question was idiotic and I have an accurate to life-sized turtle head.

Short Answer: UNG!!!

Friday, February 6, 2015

Question: What's young got to do with it?

I don't think anyone with the last name 'Young' has been in the news recently, so I'll go ahead and assume this is more of an abstract question.

You know how when you're young you think old people are stupid? And you know everything and you're invincible?

Yea. None of that's true. That's probably the biggest surprise of my 'adult' life, whatever the fuck that means. When I realized that I had been a pompous, know nothing dick throughout my youth. Another interesting realization is that I'm still a pompous, know nothing dick compared to who I'll be in another fifteen years, but that's a little off topic.

Young people's brains don't work right. They haven't had to face the horrors of reality. Their idea of responsibility is only conceptual. And their emotions and reactions to stimuli are fresh and brazen. So I think the answer here is young has a lot to do with everything when you're young. Every choice you make is impacted upon by the flood of youthful chemicals in your system, un-tempered by real life experience. You may think you're making a well-informed decision, that you're being logical, that you have a good head on your shoulders. Then, you're walking home from a party with a sore anus, no socks, a shoe that might be yours, a taste in your mouth like shitburgers and a sore spot above one cheekbone that implies a fist-fight or an eye-cocking.

You've made some bad decisions. But hang in there; it's not your fault. And eventually you'll be crushed into submission by experience like everyone else, and will find yourself unsure of which type of potato chip to buy for your small gathering, reading the ingredients again and again to the point of grocery aisle paralysis.

Short Answer: I say be an idiot while you can. After a certain age, youth is frowned upon and resented. Be invincible while it still seems viable.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Question: Make me feel good.

I'm hoping this is a reference to Monster's Ball, where Halle Berry is getting nailed by Billy Bob Thornton after a bunch of horrible shit happens to both of them. She wants him to make her feel good. And then you see her boobs.


If not, I guess the only way I can make you feel good is with humour.

Let's try a few standards.

Knock knock. (Assumedly) Who's there? My delicate thumbs. My delicate thumbs who? (If you're still with me) My delicate thumbs stroking your vagina and/or balls to make you feel good.

How many good feelings does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. I'll need a good feeling of both breasts and both buttocks.

How did the chicken perform in his road-crossing experiment? He felt pretty good about it.

Topical: How do you make a Republican feel good? Murder the black president. (This may have also been the 'dark humour' standard.)


There once was a man from Castration
Who had some trouble with penetration
So he'd just have to get it
When the woman was wetted
And benefit from the menstruation

(I don't know if that even makes sense.)

Short Answer: I think I may have menstruated myself out of this answer.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Question: What do you find distasteful or offensive?

I don't think I find anything offensive. I'm sure I used to, but with humor there's so many people taking offense to your jokes that you learn that being offended is fucking misguided and stupid, and often happens to people who are missing the point entirely.

We're supposed to laugh at things. And humour is supposed to help you cope with the most terrible of these things. Someone once said that laughter is the best medicine (probably a doctor) and I like to think it's when your sickest that you need it the most.

As for what I find distasteful, there's probably a lot of things.

Sex with food in it.

I started writing more of a list, but it's all the typical stuff like greed and yelling at your children, so I stopped. Human behaviour in general is distasteful to me. I find the wonderful moments few and far between once I walk outside my house. That's sad, so I stopped collecting those things. Sorry to disappoint.

Short Answer: People are dumb. Who makes a joke and thinks, "Gee, I hope I didn't make anyone laugh. I hope they just got offended! Then I win!" Next time you're offended by a humorist, remember the intent was to make people happy, and they probably did make a lot more people laugh than feel offended. You're just in the sad, loud minority. Again.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Question: What's your favorite quote about bats?

I get the feeling you're hoping for a very specific answer here. Like you have a bat quote in mind that you think is awesome, and you're waiting to be validated.

"For as the eyes of bats are to the blaze of day, so is the reason in our soul to the things which are by nature most evident of all." - Aristotle

That what you're looking for? That's a pretty crazy one. I was going to continue on here with a baseball quote, to switch it up, but I found the process of looking up a good baseball quote nearly as boring as watching a baseball game, so I stopped.

Short Answer: Quotes are great and bats are great, but get a new hobby, man. Seriously.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Question: How did you enjoy the Super Bowl?

With chicken wings and potater chips.

I have but one thing to say about Super Bowl X-Lix.

If you have Marshawn Lynch on your team, and you have three downs to win the Super Bowl, thirty seconds to run off the clock and one yard to in the fuck do you not run it? If he gets stopped, great, more time is gone. He's going to get in. There is absolutely no way he doesn't get there in two plays, three if you hurry or if you use your remaining timeout.

And if he doesn't? So fucking be it! You just did the right thing three times and the fates were against you. But to throw the ball? To have Russell Wilson do anything with the ball other than hand it off or bootleg his quick little legs off made zero to none sense to me.

That is undoubtedly the defining moment of that Super Bowl, and one of the top defining moments of any Super Bowl I can remember. I'm already thinking of it as 'The Call' though more appropriately, it's 'The Terrible Call'. (Call kinda implies a referee decision, I guess. Shit.)

Hard to enjoy the nervy start, but when the points started going up, I thought it was a fun game. Then, when Seattle should've taken the game by the throat, they stopped scoring. And I could feel it, man, the badness coming. When Jevon Kearse dropped that 3rd down over the shoulder pass, I was like, "You don't get two hands on a ball in the Super Bowl and not catch it." And I was right. The Patriots, calm and collected, started to reel them in.

And still the Seahawks felt like a team of destiny! Still Kearse made a ridiculous catch to put them in a winning position!

The Call ruined it all, baby.

Short Answer: I was just looking up Russell Wilson's final game stats for this short answer, because I was going to make a point that you don't let a dude with those stats throw the ball. I actually had a hard time finding his stat line, because my search kept coming up with his stat line from last year. That's poignant in some way.

Note: I got the score right. When I was asked yesterday, I thought, 28-24 Patriots, but that made me sick to think the Patriots would win, so I switched it to 28-24 Seahawks. Feel free to doubt me, but it is the truth.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Question: Who's going to win the Super Bowl?

I still can't believe there was something to Deflategate. I thought it was a bunch of crap.

Fuck the Patriots. I was on their side when the pundits were saying Brady was done earlier this year, but again they had to go and insinuate themselves into the championship conversation like a bunch of jackholes and ruin all my fun. 

It feels like they've been at the top of the league for most of my life. And I can get behind and appreciate a dynasty, but to lose to the Giants? Ugh.

So even though my gut says Patriots, I'm going Seahawks because defense wins championships. And Marshawn Lynch knows something we all don't...and he ain't telling.

Short Answer: 28-24 Seattle. (Seriously, did you see Marshawn Lynch dancing on the sidelines late in that game? When they were down? How the fuck did he know, man?)