Saturday, January 31, 2015

Question: What are the ten best movies starring Brad Dourif?

Ha! I don't know that Brad Dourif has ever 'starred' in a movie. This is in no way an insult, of course. Brad Dourif is fucking awesome. So we'll do this:

Top Ten Movies That Brad Dourif Was In To Some Degree

10) Murder in the First (1995) Bacon, Oldman, Slater...Dourif!
9) Graveyard Shift (1990) Always liked this low-rent monster movie based on a (very different) Stephen King story. Also, perhaps Brad's best character name: Tucker Cleveland.
8) Nightwatch (1997) Brad Dourif was in there somewhere as the Duty Doctor. Good little flick about a night watchman at a morgue.
7) Child's Play (1988) - Playing both serial killer Charles Lee Ray and the voice of Chucky, this is an underrated little horror movie where Brad shines with evil intent.
6) The Exorcist 3 (1990) This highly underrated Exorcist sequel would be nothing without the Gemini Killer.
5) Blue Velvet (1986) David Lynch's masterpiece about...breathing heavy? I don't know. Brad's in there.
4) Halloween (2007) Love the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween. Dourif is the sheriff, and he's awesome. He's also probably the best part of the terrible sequel.
3) Dune (1984) - This is classic, character awesomeness from Brad, playing the mentat Piter De Vries in Dune. I used to think this movie was balls, but now I really dig it for the spectacle it is. Also, watching Jodorowsky's Dune has added another layer of enjoyment to the film.
2) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) - When I found out Brad was cast as Wormtongue I was all like, "Yep." He's great, appropriate and equal amounts wormy and tonguey.
1) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) - Brad's best performance. He was nominated for his only Academy Award in the category of Best Supporting Actor.

Short Answer: Bonus Answer:

Top Fifteen Brad Dourif Character Names

15) Dr. Iggy Drexel
14) Grima Wormtongue
13) Piter De Vries
12) Roland Montague
11) Luthor Lee Boggs
10) Byron Stamphill
9) Billy Bibbit
8) Hazel Motes
7) Lamar Sands
6) Billy Baltimore Jr.
5) Charles Lee Ray
4) Camillus Fly
3) Remo Lacey
2) Chickie Levitt
1) Tucker Cleveland

Friday, January 30, 2015

Question: Why did the cyborg cross the road?

He had no memory of his old life and his implants caused him constant pain. He wanted to end it all.

Short Answer: Sadly, he survived and lost more of his organic parts. He's in even more pain than before.

*Note: This may be the very same cyborg who tried to electrocute himself by changing a light bulb. Poor cyber-guy. Sometimes built-in night vision isn't enough, you know?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Question: What are some funny things about small towns?

Hmmmm. I haven't lived in a small town in a long, long time, so it's a bit difficult to remember. I recall that everyone knew each other, so anonymity was kind of out the window. If you decided, for example, to sunbathe naked on your deck with an erection, everyone found out about it. (True story.)
Whether or not I was then referred to as Red Dick for three-and-a-half months is not something I recall clearly.

I don't know that there's a lot funny about small towns. Less sushi and less crime are bad and good things respectively, but neither are particularly amusing.

I remember trying to ride my bike to a soccer practise with my cleats on, inevitably falling off and skinning up my knees. That's funny and it happened in a small town. Maybe that's the thing. In small towns, you do stupider shit, and stupid shit is hilarious. Like you'll get friends to help you build a deck, rather than real carpenters, and you'll do a pretty good job but then your son will get aroused while bathing nude upon it and ruin his own life and you'll have to move out of the province.

Short Answer: Sorry, Dad.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Question: What do you think of the new Ghostbusters casting?

I dig it.

Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy were assumed because they worked with director Paul Feig on Bridesmaids. There've been rumours of all kinds of other people, including Rumour Wilson, Emma Stone and Cecily Strong. They've gone a slightly different route, with two other SNL performers, but that's not unexpected.

Kate McKinnon is great. Some claim she overdoes it, but I don't care. I'd rather she went over the top on a show whose sketches can sometimes flop than flop right down along with them. As for Leslie Jones, I've been skeptical of her switch from writer to performer on the late night show, but I think this might be a better vehicle for her. Get the right take, the right delivery, and she can be a badass, bawdy lady full of hilarity.

My only fear here is that there isn't any straight (wo)man. Each and every one of these ladies is the go to funny lady. Wiig can play normal, and I could see McKinnon going straight, but aren't McCarthy and Jones both the whacky punch line kind of performers? We'll see.

I'm curious to find out if they're going to try to squeeze each of the ladies into one of the existing characters from the original Ghostbusters franchise, or if they'll just let them be totally new characters. I mention this because I don't see an Egon, here.

Short Answer: Don't we need an Egon?

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Question: Quit playing games with my heart.

Backstreet Boys? (I think.)

Fuck you. 

Unless this is Seuss's wife. In that case, I can't help myself, baby. I like to see you suffer.

Unless this is the dude at the florist who smells like oil changes. I can't help myself, baby. I like to have fresh tulips. On my balls.

Unless this is my pound puppy, Cocoa. I always loved you. I did. It's just we got a real dog. You know, one that makes shits. 

Unless this is my wife. That isn't your heart. It's your tits. 

Short Answer: The games I play with my wife's bountiful 'heart' are numerous and elaborate. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Question: HBO?

Funny. My HBO isn't working right now for some reason.

But in general, fuck yea. I love that shit. I pay extra just to get it, and I've never regretted it, even that time I didn't have the money to pay for an abortion.

Shit. This got awkward. My son is sitting next to me, and I had to stop and explain to him that I really did want him. I don't think he's buying it. He's wicked smart.

I highly recommend HBO. Despite all other networks' attempts at being as awesome, none of them are there yet. And HBO has raised the bar and pushed the envelope and led all those other networks down the correct path.

Boobs and gore.

Short Answer: Boobs and gore.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Question: What do people have against Ethan Hawke?

My wife asked me this question. She's a wiggly dolt. I don't think anyone has anything against Ethan Hawke.

I have something against Ethan Hawke. Because I'm such a large, gnarly presence in her life, I think I've convinced her that I represent the opinion of the masses.

Fooled you again, bitch.

This is all pretty minor. I just find him to be...squirrelly. And on a regular basis. I've seen him act good, and he's not the first actor to be considered great who has some tendencies when he performs, bur for whatever reason, he's my guy.

I'm such a hypocrite. When other people say, "I can't watch that because Cameron Diaz is in it," I'm like, "That's fine." No, wait, I was trying to make a point.  When other people say, "I can't watch that because 'fill in the blank' is in it, I say, "You're an idiot. That's an actor. You probably don't like him because of a role you saw him in. Get over it. That movie is a good movie. You're old and stupid."

But in truth, whenever Ethan Hawke makes that half-jagged, bleary-eyed, confusion face, I think, "Why am I watching this dude?" Can't help it. I've even tried to overcome the bias and have managed to enjoy movies that he's been a part of. It's just that when people talk about him, my instinct is that he's not great.

To be clear, here, I have really enjoyed Ethan Hawke. Though I think casting is more important when you have a tendency to find someone annoying. Like in Training Day. I thought that movie ruled, and that Ethan Hawke was awesome in it. I bought him as that and thought his performance was top notch.

You know, like when Cameron Diaz plays an idiot.

Short Answer: Let's just put it this way: If Cameron Diaz and Ethan Hawke were in a movie, I would punch it. And I would do the punching with my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to see any of it.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Question: Dear Keith, I find myself unable to climax during certain sex acts. Is there something wrong with me?

I guess that depends on what the sex acts are.

Let's break it down for you, so you can get the help you need. There's something wrong with you if you can't finish during the following sex acts.

Hand Job.

Okay, those were obvious. Now, there's really something wrong with you if you can't finish during:

Intercourse where natural boobs are involved.
Oral with ball-tickling.
Greasy hand job.
Masturbation while your cat watches.

Still with me? If these next few don't make you blow it, see a doctor.

Intercourse with two women at once.
Oral with a finger up the pooper.
Double pumper ketchup bottle style hand job.
Masturbation while your mail is getting pushed through the slot.


Intercourse with three slippery ladies of diverse ethnicity.
Oral with nut-squeeze, two fingers in the bum and drooly boobs.
Anal while getting anal.
A hand job on the bus.
Masturbation while waiting at the bus stop.

Look, it takes all kinds. Even losers.

Short Answer: Seriously. Anal.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Question: Are you living every day like it's your last?

That shit doesn't work. We'd all be a million pounds from last meals. Also, who wants to have to 'get your affairs' in order every damn day? What does that even mean? Like, Steve, you can have my record collection. Who wants to fucking call Steve every day?

This is just another one of those rules to live by that only applies to the ultimate dullards of our society. Obviously it's healthy to live your life one day at a time, not get too caught up in the sadness of yesterday and the anxiety of what's to come. That doesn't mean you have to throw yourself out of an airplane each day to feel alive.

And you are allowed to look to the future. You have to. That's where smart comes from. If I didn't look to the future, I'd never write a book because each day it isn't finished. I have to do a little at a time, envisioning a future where the book is complete. Same goes for pizza. I don't have to have it every day. I can have it on Friday. There. Pizza in my future. Life is good.

If there was one single mantra that made life easy or great or bearable, we'd all know it. Take the power you need from words anytime you want to, but don't tattoo some stupid shit on your face. Because even though you weren't thinking of it at the time, that laser surgery down the road is fucking expensive.

Short Answer: There are, however, a few things you can try to do every day to make sure you're happy. All the crazy shit all the time doesn't work, though, because that becomes the norm. Plus, you need a lot of drugs to live that way, and in the future you poop in your slacks so hard that you get some on your blouse.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Question: Can you do something fun for #ThrowbackThursday?

Here are some of my favorite Thursday posts of all time! Okay, twenty of my favorite Thursday posts. Holy shit there've been a lot of Thursdays over the last four years.

Short Answer: This may not look like much, but it wasn't easy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Question: I think it's time for poetry time.

I'm glad that I have some crossover fans on this blog, but sometimes I feel bad for everybody who wants a movie list or a poop joke or an explanation of why nudity makes things better.

Still, as Popeye once said, canned spinach is far inferior to fresh spinach.


The Vagrant in Bile
God's bones by God's bones
Altruisms were unmade, horns
grew and fell away

They gave us birth, that hope
False food dug from the ground

The Owner of Breath
Death in, Death out
Hates were forged, holy
water spoiled

He loaned us mortality, that hope
Real madness fallen from the sky

Short Answer: God's Bones

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Question: What are your thoughts on the Oscars this year?

As per usual, I am not caught up on this year's Oscar movies, because they just came out/aren't out yet and I am too lazy to go to the theatre/stop masturbating on the couch.

I always get a kick out of the snubs around Oscar time. People - including me for once - absolutely lose their shit when certain things aren't recognized. I'm sorry to say it, people, but this is just a popularity contest, controlled by one little clique. Most of the best performances and movies of each and every year aren't acknowledged at the Oscars. If they get a couple right, be impressed.

I was again saddened to see that great films like Guardians of the Galaxy and The Winter Soldier were relegated to costumes and effects categories. And that again Christopher Nolan gets no credit for being innovative within the confines of the studio system. And that despite incredible performances, black people don't count this year. Don't worry, you got like four major nominations last year, black people. I guess racism is biannual now.

Snubs? Gyllenhaal and Force Majeure stick out for me, and some people are bitching about Jennifer Anniston. (Though I heard she politicked pretty hard, which makes me not care. But that's unfair, because for all we know, everyone does, or she didn't really. It's all a bunch of hooey and you can't trust entertainment news. It's not the most level-headed.)

I haven't seen Selma, but it's probably awesome, and real, and difficult. And probably deserves more. It wouldn't be the first time that the movies that got all the hype at Oscar time were inferior to something that didn't get as much credit as it deserved.

On the happy side, nice to see Steve Carell be acknowledged, on account of he seems like the nicest guy in the history of show biz. Obviously Michael Keaton, who is the man. And Cumberbatch, who I assume will be nominated for Oscars biannually from now on like racism. A lot of Julianne Moore love in my house, and including Cotillard adds serious cred to the proceedings. Love Duvall, though I'm afraid they'll give it to him as a 'lifetime achievement award' type thing. Norton and Ruffalo are the tits, and it's hard not to like Emma Stone. And I guess we're all supposed to assume that Meryl Streep deserves it again. Which I have trouble with. Not because she's not great, but you're telling me there haven't been other actresses over the years who've been great and deserve more play? It seems like Streep is the go to establishment nomination, now, and I don't think that's fair. There's a dozen or more actresses working right now that deserve that consideration every year. And I doubt very much that Into the Woods is worth the price of admission, let alone harbored one of the great performances by a female this year.

Wait, that was supposed to be the happy paragraph. Let me just not bother to go back and fix it.

I'm gonna predict that Boyhood cleans up on the night, unless one of those stupid shifts in opinion happens right before the Oscars. Man, people are dumb. Like when last year Jennifer Lawrence was accused of not being grateful enough, and it hurt her chances. What a bunch of crap. Why does celebrity culture have to tear people down? You put them up there, live with it.

Short Answer: That's probably enough out of me. I think the only thing I saw this year was Big Hero 6.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Question: How would you respond to a punch in the face?

I assume I'd collapse from the ankles and hit the ground like a whale dropped out of a helicopter.

If it doesn't knock me out like you just punched a child (which it would) I'd probably cry and ask why? over and over again until you slugged me a second time.

Emotionally, it might scar me for life. I'd be afraid every time I saw a knuckle, or a fingernail, or a wrist. I'd just flip the fuck out and collapse from the ankles and hit the ground like someone just pushed over a fridge full of 2 litre soda bottles.

Would I punch back? In very rare circumstances would I retain my faculties, and even if I did punch back it would be one of those flailing arm-punches as I toppled to the ground like someone just lost at Jenga. So if you don't want to get lightly caressed in the stomach as I fall over, watch the fuck out!

Yummy? Is that an appropriate response?

Short Answer: Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Question: How cannery you make peacfulloux the wars of our timey-tme?

Somebody is drunk.

I'm going to translate this into a question about peace in a time of war. And then I'm going to not answer it on principle, so people will understand that despite the need for questions, I also need those questions to make some or any sense.

Peacfulloux. You know what, I was going to answer, but now that I look at that word, can I really be sure it means peace? This might be a question about some casserole-type dish from the Netherlands, and how best to prepare it with with only modern, canned warts.

Or maybe peacfulloux and cannery together is some sort of flowery plumage, that can be worn on hats. This is a dead custom, and someone wants to bring it back to our timey-time. What better place to debut your traditional peacfulloux than at war time?

Peacfulloux is a full-blown fail. It's the alphabetic equivalent of pissing in your own face.

Oh, and another thing. It doesn't say timey-time. It says timey-tme. Is this supposed to be Tiny Tim? Is this a last ditch effort to bring back the holidays, peace on earth, canned cranberry sauce?

I give up. Though I do appreciate the effort.

Short Answer: Ever seen those experiments where they give different drugs to a spider and then watch how it effects its web-spinning? I fear that this question is the first of a series of these, this one probably being the meth one.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Question: You like sheep?

This is a trap. If I say I like sheep, then I'm some sort of dirty, sheep fucker. But if I say I don't like sheep, then I hate animals and want to wear their empty heads as hats.

Just because I'd rather wear a nice fuzzy hat than make love to the barnyard doesn't mean I wouldn't have sex with an animal if it bought me dinner and asked politely. Wait...what I mean...dammit. 

Short Answer: I don't want to kill or have sexy time with most animals. Only the juicy ones. Dammit. 

Friday, January 16, 2015

Question: Can you play the Google game again?

I feel like Google should be paying me at this point. I remember when I started the blog, a couple of times I tried to make a joke out of not saying 'Google' or 'googled' or 'googling' or 'googly eyes' and instead I'd say 'search engined'. But Google seems to have won out.

Just typed in 'keep up' and 'with the Kardashians' was ahead of 'with the Joneses'. What the fuck does that mean for us? We're watching the language be altered by a bunch of big butted no-doers. Oh well. At least 'the good work' was still number one.

Okay, just found a good one.

Could a...

...human live on Jupiter
...woman play in the NHL
...whale swallow a human
...rowboat support her

Now that's diverse! And what's with the fatty at the end?

Having a hard time finding anything funny today. Did Google smarten up? Even 'having a hard time' only brought me breathing, sleeping, pooping and waking up. Pretty standard fare.

Sexism is...good was number two, whereas misogyny is...good was only number four. Progress!

Abortion is...wrong comes in above abortion is...good. Abortion is...okay a strong fourth. You know. It's okay, I guess.

Fucking internet. Everything I type in is a song lyric now. At least half of the phrases I go for have been used as titles, which fucks up the possible humor of the results. I think our time finding funny shit in search engines is coming to a close. Hold on. Let me try Bing.

Short Answer: Just kidding.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Question: What's the funniest thing you've ever seen?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, because clich├ęs are good, like when a horse is hungry want to eat a...fuck.

Speaking of horses, the thing I was trying to say is this. When a horse pees, it's really funny. It's so high velocity, it's like the bugger is trying to dig a well. That really cracks me up.

I'm not immune to typical things. People falling - especially out of frame - often gives me a tickle. The problem is we're so exposed to all media these days, that the funniest things I've ever seen aren't in real life. I viddied them on the tube, where the colors are more real.

If I had the fortune of seeing a guy fall off his bike and plant his nuts astride a metal railing in real life, that may very well be the winner. Instead I've just seen that four thousand times on the internet.

Now that I look back, I don't know why I thought I had to answer from real life. It just says seen. If we are going to include internet videos, than I love the classics. Monkey smells his own butt and falls over, trampoline bear, ninja who knocks himself out then continues nunchucking. Those are all wonderful.

Okay. I thought about this for a bit. I know what the funniest thing I ever saw in real life was.

I was coaching a girls soccer team when I was younger. (I was 16 at the time, and they were 16. Don't ask me how I hooked that shit up. And you know what's messed up? Despite their unavoidable crushes on a young man of their age who was exhibiting that much power and therefore value, I didn't abuse my position, and nailed not a one of them. Because I'm all respectful and shit. Of the game of soccer, that is.) A friend of mine who will remain nameless would sometimes come out and assist me. I think he probably got a kick out of our female peers being ordered around, or maybe he was just being a good pal. Either way, he got his.

There was a girl on the team who was built a lot like a Panzer. The tank, not the mispronounced jungle cat. She was thick as thick gets, then had another layer of thick, and then was squat down into a dense heap like someone had taken the Michelin Man and squooshed him to a third of his size. She was a central defender and her go to move was to run fearlessly toward the ball and boot it up the field as hard as she fucking could.

One day, we were scrimmaging at the end of practise. Now I was an experienced player, a good player, some might say. (I was super good and handsome.) My friend, though not un-athletic, was not a lifelong soccer player. Whether this played into the tragedy or not, I cannot say.

Here's the image as I remember it. And I remember it well.

The ball is rolling down the field toward Panzer. She's hefting up her skirts to give it a right walloping. My friend, not quite sure how to check her, or just not wanting to challenge too hard, leaps through the air, legs splayed, and lands directly in front of her.

The ball was kicked at mach 4 directly into his nutsack. I'll never forget the sound it made. Thuck. That's it. No better way to describe it. Thuck. But more like...THUCK!

He collapsed and nearly died. I collapsed and nearly died of laughter.

Short Answer: Funniest thing I've ever seen. Friend hit in nuts by soccer ball.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Question: Can you write a Top Ten list of times it's not ok to go pants-free?

Not okay? That's tougher.

Top Ten Times You Shouldn't Go Pants-Free

10) Funeral. This is a no-brainer. (Not a no-pantser; stay with me.) You don't want the impression of your balls against your snug underwear to play any sort of factor at a funeral. People are trying to cry, not get hard.
9) Playground. Even if you're completely erection free, no pants at the playground is not just a funny name for a rap album, it's a straight line to sex offender registration. And by the way, you should be completely erection free at a playground. No excuses.
8) Drive-Thru Window. There's a chance you might get away with this one, but I just think it's a cheap, easy thrill. Bad enough you work at a fast-food restaurant, don't you think?
7) Strip Club. They really don't want to feel your junk through only one layer of cloth. They probably - and this is just me spit-balling - don't want to feel your junk at all. Bad enough they have to wriggle all over your without having to come face to face with your pasty, pock-marked inner thighs. And depending on the strip club, it might make them feel bad about their pasty, pock-marked inner thighs.
6) Movie Theater. Technically you'll be spending a lot of time in the dark, but think of the lineups, waiting for popcorn, the moment that you sit and 'get comfortable'. Plus, no one wants to rub up against a pantsless man during an armrest duel.
5) Swimming Pool. We've assumed up to this point that pants free means you're still wearing something underneath.(Who goes commando at a funeral?)  At the pool, you're probably not. You're just a guy in a soggy, worn out Helix t-shirt with his dick and balls poking out from beneath. And your arrangement is kinda wet so your pubes are multi-directional...
4) Airplane. This is similar to the movie theater experience, only it's not dark. And even if it's a night flight, you've got that overhead button that will shine a spotlight right into your pelvic region. Besides the similar gross out of touching up against someone without pants, this adds layers of uncomfortable to the 'crotch or ass' squeeze-by decision when you need to go air potty. And then they can't use their tray because you might have snail-trailed it and they have to eat out of their own laps which makes them think of your lap and they glance over and they see you've got a pee stain's not cool.
3) While Wearing a Donald Duck Costume. Sorry, fellas. You need the bottom part that looks like a duck ass and orange legs. You can't just be a dick out sailor. It doesn't work that way.
2) Job Interview. Whether you're the one giving the interview or taking(?) the interview, you're seated behind a desk. No matter how well it goes, when you stand up and it's nuts-lookin' time, you've probably sent things in a southerly direction.
1) Lifeguard. This is by far the number one. Because you will actually kill people. There are undoubtedly men out there who, if being saved by a man with flappity balls and floppity wang, will resist and choose death. Some people don't want to feel your soppy little dice anywhere near them, let alone your slick, wet hog. You'll kill more than you save. Even the ladies need better foreplay then nearly drowning to death.

Short Answer: Pretty much any other time is fine.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Question: Is "Poofume" really a thing?

Originally just a slang term for good-smelling farts, apparently this is now a product to keep your shit from stinking up your entire house. I watched the add, and it seemed fake as shit to me, but apparently it's real.

And not only that, it's an imitator. PooPourri is another product that hit the market before it that apparently does the same thing: makes your turds not smell like turds, but rather fruits and flowers and junk.

You're supposed to spray it atop your toilet water (joke) and it creates a 'barrier of essential oils'. Your dook-stank can't reach up through, and I guess the process of dumping a hefty load breaks the seal and forces the oils to emit a pleasant smell in the other direction. Up, that is.

I'm guessing it doesn't block all the poop smell, and the pretty stuff don't smell all that pretty, so it turns your shit smell into a candied shit smell, and is probably just as bad if not way, way worse.

Like if you have terrible breath and you rinse with mouth wash for a short time rather than brush your teeth and clean your tongue. You can end up with a mint-tinged garbage mouth that is far worse than before.

Short Answer: I understand your doubt. I would never have thought this was real from just seeing the ad, and I'm still not entirely convinced. If it wasn't for the similar product, I probably wouldn't have believed it.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Question: How does one become sneakier?

If you have a mustache, disregard.

If you don't, the way you become sneakier is to grow a mustache. This answer is not only for men. Think of a woman with a thin little mustache. Yea. Super sneaky.

If you're still not sneaky enough, oil your mustache. This works especially well if you have naturally black mustache hair. If not, dye then oil.

If you still need to become sneakier, use the aforementioned oil to curl the ends of your mustache around your fingers. That's pretty much the sneakiest.

Any further than that and you go beyond sneaky and into evil. Like a bank.

Short Answer: It helps to always be in your stocking feet.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Question: What's the protocol when one is ghost-groped in a deserted stadium bathroom?

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that 'ghost-groped' actually refers to being groped by a ghost, as opposed to some term for having someone grope you without you knowing they're there. Because when you get groped, you usually have a good idea who's on the ends of those hands.


Anywho, I guess standard protocol would be to attempt a tickle, then grope back, then scream with mad delight.

Just like you'd been groped by a living person.

Short Answer: Protocol isn't all that comedic, I guess.

Note: If you're in a deserted stadium bathroom - whatever the fuck that is - you probably deserve whatever the dead choose to do to your balls or tits.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Question: What do you hope for?

I hope for hard rain and thunder because I like the sound.
I hope for nudity when I'm watching movies.
I hope that my electronic devices continue to perform they way they're designed to.
I hope that my car doesn't cost me a fortune.
I hope that I can more easily feel successful in the future, despite my career ambitions.
I hope for sexual congress when I'm in the mood.
I hope for someone to get me in the mood for sexual congress.
I hope that renewable food and energy is going to win out before it's too late.
I hope that very smart people figure out how to redistribute the world's wealth.
I hope that death isn't the end.
I hope that I never die.
I hope that the Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup this year.
I hope that the Miami Dolphins make the playoffs next year.
I hope that one day we'll get more soccer coverage in North America.
I hope that my wife is happy.
I hope that superhero movies continue to be of such high quality that they make them forever.
I hope that health isn't too much of an issue as I grow older.
I hope that one day my wife will allow me to bed Salma Hayek.
I hope that Ms. Hayek is down.
I hope I own a swimming pool one day.
I hope I publish a fantasy novel or three.
I hope I'm defined by my desires and my motivation.

Short Answer: That's enough hope for one day. Unless you're from a place where you have to eat flies and dirt. Then...I guess you need a little more.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Question: Have you seen one up close?

Only as close as my arching back will allow. And sadly, that's not very close. I was never one of those kids who tried really hard to suck his own wiener. I just didn't think it was very sanitary.

I've seen lots of dinks, don't get me wrong. I've showered with male friends and taken long, hard looks at what they've got goin' on, but no opportunity ever arose where I ended up face to cyclops.

(This spell-bot motherfucker just tried to force me to capitalize cyclops! People aren't always talking about the X-Men you piece a shit!)

Mirrors are another way that once can have a close encounter of the bird kind, but I was always too afraid to go there. I don't want to have to work through the trauma of seeing my own taint.

So I guess the simple - if not short - answer is: no. I've never seen one up close. But I'm pretty sure I could handle it. I also think I could totally suck on one, 'cause I've got a bit of an oral fixation to begin with, and the idea of having a big...juicy...

Short Answer: Someone tell my mom I'm gay now.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Question: What do you think will be the fashion trend for hookers in 2015?

I don't even have to answer this. High end hookers will follow all the same fashion trends as everyone else. Low end hookers will follow the trends afforded to them by the thrift store and their money-grubbing pimp.

Man. Pimps. Right? Weak.

Beanie hats, off the shoulder-cardigan style sweaters, wool skirts, patterned leggings, high boots with reasonable heels, IUDs, a shit-tonne of crack cocaine (does anyone still call it crack cocaine?) and wireless earphones.

I guess I answered it anyway. I like talking about fashion. This year, my wardrobe is evolving as well, but it wouldn't be appropriate to get into it during this answer because I'm not a hooker. Let's just say, the balls are going to be getting a lot of oxygen come spring.

Short Answer: I like when hookers wear fashion that shows their stretch marks. That's a win-win.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Question: Which era would you like to be a bank robber in?

Historically and obviously the heyday of bank robbery was during the depression in American, specifically the early thirties. That's Dillinger times, when you could drive up to the bank and stick 'em up like it was an ATM. And you'd be considered cool for doing it.

But I'd much rather be a bank robber in the future, because just like everything else in the future, it will be a lot less work. You won't even have to leave your house. You can just send your robo-bitch to do it for you. "Fetch me credits, robo-bitch," you'll say, and he'll either use his laser cannons to get into the vault if they still have vaults and they aren't laser cannon proof, or he'll robo-charm some other robo-bitch and fetch your credits digitally.

Another fun time to be a bank robber would be right when they first established banks. Like in caveman times, when they were all like, "I give you many same-shaped rocks now, for wheel you build in two moons." Then you go, "Fuck you, ya piece of shit. I'm taking these rocks and skipping town, see?" Of course then there was the possibility that the next town didn't use those same kind of rocks, or the possibility that there wasn't another town yet.

Last and least, a good era to be a bank robber would be during the plague. Any plague, really. Bitches be too weak to fight off a robber. If you were bold enough, and were willing to wear one of those badass plague masks that protected you from absolutely nothing, you wouldn't even have to rob a bank, you could just waltz into people's houses and take any shit you wanted. At the time, most people weren't concerned about things like money and possessions, on account of all the weeping lesions.

Short Answer: Any time but now. Banks hate getting robbed now.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Question: What did you think of the World Junior Championship this year?

I've prioritized this question so I can answer it while it's still relevant. Apologies to all the people who are waiting to have their questions answered. This question is just more important than yours.

I was enjoying the shit out of it until at 5-1 in the gold medal game, I said, "You know, if it ends like this, despite all of the trepidation and concern due to not having won for five years, this team will go down as one of the all-time greats. I think the worst we did was win by four goals, and we've only given up six in the entire tournament."

Then...the bullshit. What I'm about to complain about is not a big deal, and I don't want to take any credit away from the Russians for getting busy and potting a few garbage goals. But so often in hockey when one team is perceived to be dominating another, the battle that has existed to get to that point is re-interpreted by the officials, and by some magic, the losing team starts getting power plays. (That magic, by the way, is officials feeling like they have to make things fair, like they're afraid they're responsible for the blowout so they have to throw the losing team a few bones so they can say the lopsided game wasn't their fault when people bitch. It's not the fault of these particular officials, it's something that happens in all hockey everywhere. I don't like it, because every now and then it lets a beaten team back into a game that maybe they shouldn't have been let back into by stripy assistance.) So Domi gets a charging penalty. Alright, he jumps a little. Guess what? He jumps a little all the time. He's not all that big. When has it not been a penalty? Every other time this tournament.

But the real culprit is the Virtanen charge. I don't see how that's a penalty. First half of that hockey game, I swear it isn't.

Anyway. It's not about sour grapes, obviously, it's just that after the 5-4 goal I started playing shitpants with myself. I've seen the collapse before. And it's weird because Canada never used to do that, until the Russian final where we were up 3-0 and lost 5-3. That was the most shocking experience I've ever had watching a hockey game. So now, thanks to trauma, as soon as the Russians scored a few in a row, my enjoyment became nail biting terror.

I'm as amazed as anyone that those kids managed to gather the composure to play a solid 0-0 period after all the insanity of a six goal period. Good on them. Shows their maturity, and what it takes to win a WJC gold medal. Discipline, calm, smarts. Might I say heart?

Short Answer: I might. Great tournament. Now back to watching stupid NHL.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Question: Can you think of some good alternatives to money?

Sex stuff would definitely work. And before you get your kitten in a spool, allow me to explain. Most transactions come down to value. I want that lettuce, I will trade you this paper for it. If we assigned values to sexual acts, we could come out even on a pretty regular basis, so you'd only have to actually do the sexual act when your account was in arrears.

Okay, I admit it. This wasn't well thought out, and a blatant attempt to make a joke about sex being in arrears. Trading sex wouldn't work because it's sloppy. It takes time and no one has the time. We throw money at things because we don't have time. That's why money survives.

If you had to pay by doing a favor - sexual or otherwise - you'd probably just steal more so you could get back to the monster truck rally or reading about goose down, whatever normal people do. I've lost track.

The sex for money thing especially wouldn't work with prostitutes.

Short Answer: Trading one thing for another, like in the oldener days, that'd be sweet. Here's a grapefruit I grew and a hauljob for that pony. See? I made sex favors work after all!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Question: With the holiday season almost over, what's next for you?

Questions like this are funny because they assume that I'll be able to fit them in when they're still relevant. For most, I'm thinking the holiday season is over. For me, not quite yet. So your question is apt and you just got it in under the wire.

As for what's next for me, I guess the real question is, what do you know about me? I'm a voice on a machine. How could any of my answers resonate with you, the question asker? I'm going to buy a jet ski. How's that? Now if you have a jet ski, or also want to buy a jet ski, you might find a  moment of cyber-likeness that makes you feel good. But it's not real. I could be lying. This whole internet could be a lie!

And if you don't care about jet skis, you won't care about the answer. And if you're poor you'll think, 'Fucking asshole. Who can afford a jet ski?' and then where are we?

I guess what I'm driving at is this. How can I possibly answer this question? I guess the only way is to do a list of ridiculous things that someone might do once their holidays are over (even though the question specifically says almost). That makes me feel a little cornered. But no more I guess than when something asks me a very specific question about anything.

Alright. Dance, monkey, dance.

What's Next For Me Now That The Holidays Are (Almost) Over?

I'm going to put up the Christmas Tree.

There. That's the most ridiculous thing I could think of. I mean, who puts up their Christmas tree once the holidays are (almost) over? It's absurd!

Short Answer: I'm going to do the same thing everyone else does this time of year. Pretend this year will be different, then do nothing to make that occur.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Question: Where do you stand on "The Interview"?

I haven't seen it yet.

Short Answer: If you don't get why this is one of the funniest answers I've ever written, you might be a redneck.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Question: On a scale of one to ten, how handsome are you?

Important question.

Ten. (10). Though my mom would probably say eleven, and then do that mom smile that reeks of unnecessary pride and unequivocal sentimentality fueled by nostalgia and over the counter drug addiction.

Some might have a different opinion. They might say, 'You're an ugly fuck. One. (1)." So maybe they should make a blog where people ask questions and they can give straightforward, definitive answers. Until that happens, until you create a blog and someone asks you the same exact question about me, then my answer stands as internet law.

Ten. (10).

If you thought this answer was predictable, because of my sense of humour, I'm sorry that you feel that way. Turns out, you're a full colon. I just happen to be this handsome. And yet, I was handsomer when I was younger and used actual words, but older handsome is different. I'm handsome because of life experience and many chili dogs and beardedness and tasteful superhero t-shirts. It's a different level, a different scale. When I was young, I was attractive because of my lean lines, my tight buttocks and my bright eyes. Now, my dead eyes, angry penis and pizza butt create a later-in-life combination of attractiveness that is impossible to resist.

I only hope you can age as gracefully.

Short Answer: In summation: unequivocal sentimentality, internet law, full colon, actual words, pizza butt.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Question: Happy New Year!

Right back at you.

As a special treat for New Year's Day, I'm going to lift the curtain. No, not the one covering my balls.
Here are some of the searches that directed people to my site over the last month.

ask keith
gitch or gonch
mamal fastest sex
other kinds of nog
what animal ejaculates the fastest
what is a ginch
what kind of sex do 65 and older have
where did ass backwards come from
which animal has the most fastest ejaculation

And all time?

namor vs aquaman
aquaman vs namor
what happened to ovechkin
what happens when you lose your mind
elizabeth berkley ass
my dog peed on me

I wish I had compiled this data before. I know there have been some pretty funny searches over the years. A lot of movies, music, and forms of askkeithanything are the most common, though, and they aren't all that funny. I like to believe that every time someone wonders how fast an animal ejaculates, they are instantly linked to my site.

Short Answer: I look at these and wonder, 'Am I reaching my core audience?' Not sure the guy who wonders about the 'most fastest ejaculation' will be on board with my double-edged wit.