Thursday, December 31, 2015

Question: Is "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake about masturbating? I think it is.

I suppose hoping to get a New Year's Eve question on New Year's Eve is similar to people expecting a certain kind of answer when they ask a question. None of us get what we want. Except your mother, who luckily only wants full-fat yoghurt.

That song isn't about masturbation. The only reason you would think this is if you're such a chronic masturbator, that you often say, 'Ah, shit, here I go again!' followed by something savagely inappropriate like, 'Wish I'd gotten away from this PTA meeting earlier!'

I think it's safe to say (not that I give a fuck) if you think 'here I go again' right before you drop trou and give it to the mini-you, you're doing it far too often. Do you also have to shoulder check? Look for blood? Stretch each individual finger to prevent clawing? You've got a problem, and Whitesnake ain't it, brother.

Wait, I just thought of something that's wrong with your brain. The band Whitesnake makes you think of penises! Yes Coverdale is attractive, and yes Tawny Kitaen is all up in that video, but because your only sexual outlet is coaxing the cream, your mind goes to masturbation when you see the words white and snake! You might be gay, too! You're welcome!

Like a drifter? C'mon, man! That's a friggin' stretch.

Short Answer: By this logic, It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas could be about masturbation because you get snow at the end. Ball snow.

Note: My computer says Whitesnake isn't a word, and wants me to change it to Whiten Snake, the best toothpaste ever.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Question: Is Trump going to have a good year?

I've already addressed this multiple times. I have to answer this question in some fashion because those are the rules, but I'm done talking about Trump.

I don't want to believe that people are stupid enough to get behind this guy to lead an anal train, let alone a country. If they are, my bad. It will be one of the few times my faith in humanity was present, and not one of the few that it was utterly destroyed.

Short Answer: In the sense that he's a billionaire who fucks super models, yes. In the sense that he looks like a pouting hairbrush recently used on a shedding Pomeranian, no.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Question: What should I expect of 2016?

Expect me to be your dad, if railing your mother's hatchet on a bi-weekly basis means that.

Short Answer: I was gonna say some relevant, hopeful stuff here, but I don't know man. Maybe it will be President Trump.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Question: Are Jews uncomfortable around Christmas?

They're uncomfortable around Hitler. Other than that, I'm not much of an expert.

I know Jewish people who totally embrace Christmas, and I know Jewish people who rock the shit out of Hanukkah, but I've never once got the sense that they were uncomfortable. Almost no one I've ever met puts any religious significance on the holiday, if that's what you're getting at. Jesus isn't relevant to my Christmas, so why would he be relevant to theirs?

Quite simply, if I went to a house at Christmas time, and they had a dead dog hanging from a coat rack and the floor was covered in chicken stock powder, and they said 'Merry Christmas' at the door, I'd be like, whatever.

To each his own. Religions and cultures and beliefs don't have to make you into a hateful, scaredy douche around the holidays. That's a choice, like murder and supporting boy bands.

Short Answer: I've seriously never met anyone, not of any creed or color, that is pissy about people having a good time around the holidays in whatever way makes them happy. Oh. Expect hard-core atheists. They don't like the Christ in Christmas at all. Ask them about it; you'll see.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Question: you're a mean one, mr Keith?

Sadly, this question is less relevant than it would've been...before I stole Christmas!

And that joke would've worked better if you didn't just have a great Christmas that blatantly lacked a bearded miscreant that appeared and tried to stuff your tree up the chimney.

I am no Grinch. I love all this shit. I really do wish that people would be kinder to one another throughout the year. One day doesn't seem like enough.

Short Answer: I hope your shit was tight. 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Question: What's the correct profanity to use when you thought that you pvr'd Die Hard to watch on Christmas Day but then realized it only recorded audio and not video?


Only you don't say 'fudge'. You say the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the 'F-dash-dash-dash' word.

That's from a Christmas Story, the wholesome family entertainment you should be watching on Christmas.

Why don't you own a copy of Die Hard? It's only the greatest action movie of all time. You brought this on yourself, Grinch.

Short Answer: Last night I watched both Bob Clark Christmas movies back to back: A Christmas Story then Black Christmas. It was a fucking delight.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Question: I want you to save this question until Christmas Eve. Can you?

Well. Here we are in a fine pickle.

Did you, perhaps, forget to ask the question? Or is there another question in the queue that I didn't realize was related to this? How could I know if it was, I might ask you?

So the answer is yes. I can save this question until Christmas Eve. Only thing is now it's kind of on me to make this special with absolutely nothing to go on.

Historically, Christmas Eve is a pretty fun day for me. Used to be Chinese food with my family, until they became two families. Then still Chinese food with half the family for a while. Lately, my wife and I have co-opted the night for ourselves, doing our own gift exchange and spending the night alone, without family.

Sometimes I even get to see her boobs.

Christmas Eve is a time for boobs, isn't it? I like to wassail them.

(That's the second time this holiday season that I've used the term wassail on blog. Only seven more to go. Can I make it in time?)

On Christmas Eve, if my wife has been wassailing all day and is filthy enough, I get to watch her in the shower. She wassails up her boobs while I wassail myself and then we take it to the bedroom where we watch a video of a black midget totally wassailing an old lady while the old lady wassails into a jug filled with orange and lemon slices. Then they drink the spiced wassail and I wassail on my wife's tits.

How many was that?

One short? Goddamn it! Christmas has been ruined!

Short Answer: This has been like the holiday season of jizz jokes. No matter what I do, I keep wassailing out the same punch line. Wait? Was that...yes! It's a Christmas miracle! I've met my quota for wassailing!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Question: Have you finished your Christmas shopping?

I was about to lay into the asker of this question like they were a total dolt. Something like, 'Why the fuck wouldn't I be done my Christmas shopping, Sir Dolt? It's two fucking days before Christmas! Do I look like an absolute moron with a gaping butthole?'

But the truth is, I haven't finished. I have to go today. To the mall. In real life.

So sadly, the answer is no. I'm a pretty huge piece of shit.

Wanna ask me anything else that makes me feel like an idiot? How about that time my mom got punched in the face and I laughed? Huh? Wanna talk about that? No. No one does. Except my friggin' mom. Every time I see her.

"You didn't do anything," she says, with a look of disappointment in her eyes.
"You're the one who slept with her husband," I say.
"And you wouldn't have slept with a member of Platinum Blonde if you had the chance?"
"I never said that, Mom!"

Short Answer: This got weird. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Question: Can any modern christmas song top George Michaels' "Last Christmas"?

First, here's a relevant answer from 2013:

I was actually surprised to see that Last Christmas was only number eight on this list, because I sing its virtues so often and so strongly. I think I like it more each year, and I do believe it's hard to top. Mariah Carey did a pretty good job with her new one a few years back, but Last Christmas feels both modern and traditional to me because I grew up with it. I also grew up with a weak, dark-haired sidekick that I had to kick out of the 'band' at one point so I really relate to anything Wham does. Even mounting other men.

Short Answer: It's possible that nothing makes me happier than hearing this song for the first time each year. Not even blowjob pizza, which turns out is a lot worse than one might think.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Question: Do they know it's Christmas time, at all?

The first thing I thought when I saw this?

What, the starvers?

Not who, and not, people who are hungry. What, the starvers. Yep. What does that say about me I wonder?

I like the idea of feeding the world. People shouldn't go hungry. And especially not at Christmas time, when I gorge myself so thoroughly that I tip the world food scales like a troll tipping up a picnic table and letting all the food, checked table cloth and all, slide down his gullet. Seriously, I've eaten so many things wrapped in other things this year, it's getting obscene.

To be even more obscene in the face of this question, here's what I did the other day. I marinated some chicken wings in lime and garlic, then braised them in homemade duck stock, then lacquered them with a pad thai inspired glaze.

Christmas! Excessive treats for no reason! Would I forego the duck stock to feed some poor people, of course I would. But I refuse to feel guilty that better systems aren't in place. I do the best I can with what I have, just like everyone else. My wife seems to think it's sufficient, even though she still laughs sometimes when I take my pants down. I lost the plot here, one sec...

Short Answer: Let them know it's pad thai wings this year!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Question: "Santa Baby" Eartha Kitt or Kylie Minogue?

Normally I try to respect the question if I'm given a choice between two things. But this is very personal to me, so I'm going to do what I friggin' want to.

The answer is Madonna.

I love the Eartha Kitt one, too, so that would definitely be the answer to your question. I think the Kylie Minogue one is too slutty and weird, kinda like Kylie Minogue's face. She's just doing a less adorable Madonna. In the song, not the face.

And Taylor Swift's version can go wassail itself. She sounds like a little kid doing a grown up thing and it makes me feel bad in my utility belt.

Short Answer: Batman.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Question: "It's Cold Outside". A super sexy Christmas song?

I'm pleased to be able to address this.

I think it's a fabulous Christmas song. Sexy, a little, maybe. But that's not what we're really talking about, is it?

Some people think this song is creepy because of some of the lines. Like 'what's in this drink' and 'lay your poon over here.' But it was a different time, man! Do you really think that when this song was written they were implying something sinister? That the dude was drugging her to keep her there or something? No fucking way. Yes times have changed, and yes we're more sensitive about women getting casually imprisoned against their will, but I think you're really stretching if you think this song is about a sexual assault of some kind.

So I won't go so far as to say 'super sexy' because I would never say that because I hate alliteration, but also because Christmas songs don't turn me on. Except maybe Santa Baby. Yea, Santa baby.

Short Answer: Sticky keyboards, dressed in jizz-glops, this is Santa's big day!

Friday, December 18, 2015

Question: Could you sing the Mr. Grinch song for us?

This is kinda blowing my mind. In the 5 years I've been doing this, no one has ever asked me to sing.

So I'll share my thoughts. How the shit am I going to sing on blog? I'm sure as hell not going to record myself; I don't want you all cumming out of your ears from pure joy. Plus I don't want to ruin the original for you.

I guess the answer is no. I can't sing for you. But I do love me some motherfucking Grinch. As compromise, I'll masturbate to the cartoon and try to finish on stink, stank, stunk.

Short Answer: Thinking of me blowing a fat load on the shag carpet is a close second to hearing my orgasmic singing voice. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Question: Would you please dress up like Black Peter for my kids' Christmas concert?

"It's a trap!"

I'm not putting on black face for your damn show. I know how this goes. You think I'm stupid as well as racist? Well, fuck you! I'm only one of those things!

Short Answer: If you don't know who Black Peter is, look that shit up. He's the companion of St. Nicholas, and he's kinda like a superhero, the way that Black Panther or Black Lightning are superheroes because they're black. Or something. Somehow the black thing is relevant. Otherwise, why would they be called black? Couldn't just be Panther or Lightning! Oh, it could be? Right, racism.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Question: Ol' Fezziwig, amirite?

If amirite means doesn't the character of Fezziwig from A Christmas Carol represent the best things about humanity, Christmas spirit and an appropriate way to approach business ethics in a post-industrialized world as he brings values from a pre-industrialized world? then youarrite.

If you're implying that the Christmas spirit is upon you, and this is a way to shake cyber-hands on the joys of being not a douche at Christmas time, then you are right again.

If you're referring back to a time when we were all younger and more innocent before we started making terrible decisions based on greed, self-interest and a longing for the unimportant...well, this is getting tedious. How many lessons are you trying to teach us in three short words?

You know there's a Fezziwig book? It's an historical novel written by Danny Kuhn. I don't know why anyone would want to read it, but it exists. Maybe it's good. If you can't get enough Fezziwig, or you're the kind of person who thinks, "I'd like to read an entire false autobiography about this minor Charles Dickens' character," well, you're in luck.

Short Answer: The first of the truly Christmassy questions this year. So it begins in style. Fezziwig style! "No one cuts a fuckin' rug like Fezziwig." - Me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Question: Who wants a lap dance?

I've never had a lap dance. Unless you call getting dry-humped by your male friends a lap dance. You could, I figure, because in the end you get the same amount of a boner.

That amount is 100%.

I know strippers aren't filthy or diseased. They're just regular girls who rub on dude's wieners and make good decisions about how often to show off the girls.

Still, that's a lot of mancrotch that I don't want to get near. As I said, only my male friends may hump me with pants on. Or skirts.

Short Answer: Having a woman do things in my pants with her whirling buttocks is no problem. But the lap dance scenario makes me think about all the sweaty hog that has been only a few inches away from the magic. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Question: Do you like Bauer products?

My mind goes to the motivation behind this very specific question. Would it be wrong to assume that some sort of Bauer product just totally betrayed you? A broken stick, perhaps? Did a hockey bag try to smother you in your sleep? Maybe a skate broke off and threatened to cut a gang member?

Sometimes it's very difficult to find the funny.

I've had a few Bauer things. I guess they're fine.

But you know what's better? Jack Bauer things! Like when he infiltrates a warehouse full of dudes and fuck-murders the lot of them!

Short Answer: I wish I had a Jack Bauer hockey stick that said 'Dammit!' every time I took a slap shot.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Question: Can I ask you to do a freebie? To talk about whatever you want?

You can.

There's some precedent for this, in fact. Only problem is, the timing of this one is a little off. I got a really good night's sleep and I feel relaxed and incapable of bitching.

I did wake up thinking about a brand of underwear called Ball Rear, which I imagine has an ad campaign circling around the idea that it sounds a little like the term 'bullroar'. If you don't know that term, it's like saying bullshit but without the swearage.

I guess the ad would be, "Those are the best undies I've ever seen!" "That's a bunch of Ball Rear!"

This is what you get for letting do what I want.

What else? Had a dream where I was Superman. We fought this baddass Krytponian guy, but when we beat him my stupid wife dropped the Crystal Vile of Life onto this chest and he absorbed it, making him even badder and stronger. When we got home, he trapped us inside. I was trying to get out of the house, but he was at every exit, faster than me by a long shot. It was fuckign scary. Once I finally got outside, he and my wife - who was also a Krytponian - were fighting. To stop him, but not hurt her, I had to employ some super breathing to knock him backward. I realized that he was gasping for air, and quite a bit more heavily than was expected. Wait, I thought! Living things need oxygen to live! So I started super sucking all of the air from around him and blowing it away until he fucking died.

Nope. I wasn't done. I picked him up and mouth to mouth sucked him until he turned into a shrivelled, blue baby. Then we buried him in the yard.

Real dream. No ball rear.

Short Answer: I don't know that I've ever been a fictional character like that in a dream. It was really blatant that I wasn't me at all. I was Superman. It was a pretty good feeling to be Superman. I recommend it.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Question: What do you think of Donald Trump?

If it wasn't for the only rule of my blog (which is 'answer every question' if you didn't know) I wouldn't even address this. I have no desire to give this my attention.

It's becoming increasingly normal for assholes to run rampant at the front of the Republican party, banking on the party's ability to keep their own constituents in the dark. Education makes the world better; people like this clown are only popular among the un-informed, just the way Republicans need their voters to be.

Typically, someone slightly more sane rises. I think what's scaring people - and what may be different - about Trump is that he's saying really hateful things, not just lacing us with stupidity. I respect that it worries people, I'm just not surprised that his rhetoric is popular. Did you know that in certain polls over the years nearly a quarter of the country though it was possible that Barack Obama was the antichrist? The percentage of idiots who think he's a Muslim is even higher. Sadly, there are enough uneducated people in the States to make someone like Trump - a man with a camel's ball sack on his head - look like a real threat.

I hold to the fact that he isn't, and that his supporters are a hateful, moronic minority. Other than that, he's a cartoon. I don't need to seriously consider the election of a cartoon. I don't even necessarily believe that he believes what he's saying. He's just a kid in the spotlight, clapping his hands because the adults keep laughing and saying he's adorable.

A scarier thought is that maybe we deserve him. After years and years of allowing the influx of money into the political system, gerrymandering, blatant lying and terrible behaviour by our representatives, a guy from 'the outside' seems somehow appropriate. Maybe we made this. Maybe we should be sure to wake up early enough to keep it from happening. I fear that he'll pick a Kardashian as a running mate and then we're fucked.

Short Answer: I thought Donald Trump was an entertaining public figure. His reality show was pretty good, and he was pretty good on it. I think he may still be in a reality show, and the show is still pretty engaging. But we might want to think about changing the channel before he gets into power and changes the Amazing Race into a show about white supremacy.

Note: Answered a similar question in August:

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Question: Do you like Rodney Dangerfield?


Hard to dislike Rodney Dangerfield. He kills it at comedy, googly eyes and dancing.

Not much else to say about this one, I'm afraid. Caddyshack good.

Short Answer: I think it's possible that every person in Caddyshack was never better than they were in Caddyshack.

Note: Favorite Rodney Dangerfield One Liners/Quotes/Jokes

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot; but I always found them."
"Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor; I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met."
"My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, 'All right, you're ugly, too.'"
"What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all."
"I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother."
"My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves."
"I come from a stupid family; during the Civil War my uncle fought for the West!"
"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot."
"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
"My old man, I told him I'm tired of running in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand."
"Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Question: Can you scare us?

Having a pierced tongue elevates your chance of heart problems.
Flushing a toilet sends bacteria around the room up to a distance of two meters.
There is an acceptable amount of 'filth' in your food, including feces, insects, rat hair and maggots.
There's a squid with teeth similar to that of a human being.
If you tell others of your goals, it makes you less likely to meet them.
In more than half the states in the US, a rapist can sue for custody rights.
You will never remember how a dream started.
Mites live on your eyelashes.
Smiling makes you feel better, but you're too stupid to bother.
On average, a person lies four times a day.
Serial killers are 70 times more interesting to converse with.
If you live an average lifespan you'll spend 25 years waiting on things, like the microwave, or for someone to reply to a text.
Biochemically speaking, being in love and having obsessive compulsive disorder are almost identical.
You are paralyzed when you're sleeping.
90 percent of people text what they can't say in person.
You are never more than ten feet away from a spider.
Losing your cell phone is similar to having a near-death experience.
Emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes; any longer amounts are self-inflicted.

Short Answer: I've seen you in the shower.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Question: I'm in junior high and I get random boners sometimes in class. What should I do?

First off, you're probably too young to be reading any words I ever write on this blog. If you take even I tiny bit of my advice you'll be in jail with tears tattooed on your face by the age of seventeen.

Having said that, boners are for fucking stuff. So when you get one you should fuck something nearby. Now obviously no person who owns an orifice anywhere near you is going to think it's acceptable to open up in the middle of class, so you'll have to fuck some inanimate stuff. I suggest a pencil case (if they still exist). You can fill one with silly putty (if it still exists) before school.

Life is really easy like this. People get so fustigated about everything, but boners go away when the hot yoghurt is released. So release the hot yoghurt.

Release the hot yoghurt!

Short Answer: Try yelling that in a movie lineup.

Note: You will get expelled if you ejaculate in a junior high classroom. Trust. Me.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Question: I'm having trouble pooping these days. Do you have any tricks to keep regular?

Metamucil, bitch. You can get the orange drank or the pills. Or you can take a low dose of milk of magnesia for a bit to soften up your business. Other than that, we're talking increased fibre and water. Aim for 30 grams of fibre and 3 litres of water per day. That should make shit work.

Short Answer: Never force it, sister. Better to not go than to force it. 

Question: Is it Ok that I'm Ok with my boyfriend occasionally getting a massage with a happy ending?

This is definitely one of those life is simple type situations.

If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you. If someone else tells you it should bother you, they're wrong. If you listen to someone telling you it should bother you, you're wrong.

More specifically, getting a jerk-off from a lady stranger isn't a big deal. The only thing that's a big deal is what makes you feel bad, strange or awkward. For some, that's letting their partners play jizzy with a naked Polynesian lass, for others, it's not having the right brand of coffee. It's about knowing what makes you happy, and what makes your partner happy, and not worrying about anything outside of those parameters.

Relationships are rife with compromise. So pick your battles. If it hurts you in your heart, address it. If it just makes you pissy, talk about it. If you know you're being stupid, selfish or childish, let it go.

There is no, "I would never let my girlfriend/boyfriend do that!" That's a construct of inflexible states. Partnerships are ever-changing; not calm seas but crashing tides, where communication is the only vessel that keeps you afloat.

Check out the difference in these exchanges.

"I would never let my husband do that."
"Yea, I guess you're right. What was I thinking?"


"I would never let my husband do that."
"Well, he came to me and asked. It was a difficult conversation but I'm glad we had it. Turns out it doesn't bother me all that much, and his happiness is more important to me than what other people think."

Which one sounds more reasonable?

But be warned, it goes both ways.

"Honey, there's a new guy at work. He's really sweet and he has a massive penis. I'd like to let him stuff it in my butt. And I figure that's okay because that's a place that you and I don't do it, so my vagina will still just be for you. Except on Friday's when he and I work late so he really has a chance to get up in there, and I'll probably be sore throughout the area.This will make me emotionally stable in a way that I've never been before, and I'll be less happy without feeling the fullness of his huge dick up inside where my asshole is. That cool?"

Short Answer: There ain't no one way streets. Which is pertinent and relevant, but also good advice if you're going to experiment with anal.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Question: What are your thoughts on the lady boy phenomenon in Thailand?

My thoughts are mostly positive, if not intellectually stimulating. I mean, if you've got a dick and boobs, that's pretty much everything that's important, right?

(My stomach just growled and it went - do, do, do, d-do.)

Did you know it's called kathoey? Like ka-blooey but with testicles.

(My stomach is seriously freaking out. Do, do, deedly-do, do-b-doo, doop.)

I wonder if my hunger for both tits and wangs is making my stomach act up? I heard 'lady boy' and I'm all like grrrrrrr...let's get some!

(Squiggly. Squiggly-sqawgally-do-boop.)

It think it's cool that there's an accepted third gender there, though I suppose if it sprouted from an international desire to 'do something weird in a butt' that's not as encouraging as pure acceptance.

There are a lot of kathoey sex workers - who have a high rate of HIV - but lady boys also work in lots of other jobs. So it's more wide spread than just fuckery. They even have kathoey celebrities in Thailand. Like regular ones; not like Bruce Jenner.

Short Answer: Mentioning Bruce Jenner calmed my stomach. What the hell does that mean?

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Question: I love coffee but I feel that I drink too much of it. Do you have any advice?

Stop drinking it entirely. Coffee is dumb. Do you really need a stimulant? I mean, at all? Do you need drugs to help you sleep? Uppers and downers, all day? If you do, fine, you're lost. But if you've never thought of it that way, maybe stop taking all the drugs for a bit and see how you feel.

You can switch to decaf if you just like the taste of coffee, and that will help you ease off. Because there will be withdrawal if you drink a lot of coffee. You'll feel like withered ass.

Personally, I never understood the appeal. I actually like the taste of coffee when there's some sugar and milk and bourbon and other things to mask the horrible coffee taste in it, but if I drank fully caffeinated coffee I'd be up on the roof, convinced I can flap my arms fast enough to hover like a humming bird.

Speaking of birds, cold turkey. That's my advice. Or stop being a fucking puss and do what you like. Drink as much coffee as you want. Who's telling you not to? Your mom?

Short Answer: Are you gonna cry about it? Are you? You gonna cry?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Question: Someone keeps tying my shoes together. Help me!

The latest entry in my Retarded Fuckers series of answers, this one takes the slow-cake.

Let me explain to you the process of elimination, as though you were six, and not an adult with the brain capacity of a six year old.

Was it you?
Was it one of the people who has access to your shoes?

There. Problem solved.

Now if you're asking what you should do about it, that's another potato. Try peeing on the back of the person's neck. It's funny because they'll be torn between freaking out because it's wet and making a yummy noise because it's warm. If you really want to mess with them, don't drink a lot of water and save up a real, thick stinky pee, to add the 'what smells' portion of the dilemma.

Short Answer: Please don't tell me the help you needed was to be told to untie your shoes. 'I keeps tryin' ta walk and my feets get all confused!' That's what you sound like.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Question: I waited until I was drunk to ask you a question. But you can't tell because I checked all the words. Here's the question. Do you like to get drunk?

I think this might be a marriage proposal. Way to check all the words, by the way. It's true, that I could not tell that you were drunk. Despite the fact that you told me.

I've never been much of a drinker. There's some alcoholism in both my family and my wife's, so it's never been all that viable a path for either of us. And I think you need to do it together or someone gets pissy.

In the last few years I've found myself drinking wine at a friend's house on a fairly regular basis. That's been fun. I like wine, and I even like the feeling of having a little too much. For someone like me who never loses control to any degree, putting a toe in the water can be refreshing. I also find the sensation of getting tipsy very humorous, which fuels a different sort of hilarious output. Think 'sad man crying' but with more dicks out.

Short Answer: I don't like to get drunk drunk. Like vomit in an attaché case drunk. I don't like ruining the microfiche. I've gone off the rails, here. This is the drunk of blog writing.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Question: Ever been a tit grabber?

A boob clutcher?
A breast snatcher?
A bosom gripper?
A teat seizer?
A mammary snagger?
A cleavage corraler?
A hooter hooker?
A knocker nabber?
A bazoom grappler?
A filthy pillow spiriter awayer?
A honker shanghai-er?
An udder latcher onto-er?
A chest amasser?
A hanger handler?
A nipple gainer?

Short Answer: Never.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Question: Why are strawberries red?

I can't help but think that a question so simple could be better placed at the feet of the broad internet, or one of them there question answering sites, or Jeeves, or the Strawberry Council of the Americas or something, but I'll take it on, just the way I took on this long-ass sentence.

Basically, a strawberry isn't red, not to be a dick. When we see color, it's basically the color that the object isn't allowing in from the spectrum of light. The acid in anthocyanidins in the strawberry's flesh prevent red from getting in, so it reflects back into our eyeballs and makes us think the strawberry is red. I think that basically covers the science.

Also, strawberries are one of the angrier berries, having to have their seeds on the outside like a child forced to wear their underwear outside their gym shorts by a team of razor-sharp bullies.

Strawberries are the most shame-filled berry. So often have they been associated with lustful things, that they are constantly blushing, like you just told them what you were going to do to their pussy. And the word ravage and/or mangle was used.

Strawberries also have the most blood of all the fruits. Originally called bloodberries by the alien race that planted them in Egypt, if you prick a strawberry, it will geyser like when you cut a man's carotid artery. In olden times, people would paint their hovels this way.

Short Answer: Because they ain't blueberries.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Question: Major Dollingham, at your service.

What the absolute fuck?

Sometimes it's impossible to pretend to know what the fudge you dudes are on about. Was this supposed to say Dillingham with an I? Because when I Groovled it - that's seventies Google - I found some dude named Benjamin Franklin Dillingham. But he lived in Hawaii and died a hundred years ago, so it's unlikely he asked me a question on my blog.

Now I've got to go through the process of trying to figure out what's funny about this, because it didn't inspire an immediate response other than the one noted above. I think the funniest thing might be - assuming you're real - that you thought, "This blog is rather humorous. I'll bet the purveyor is a mustachioed gentleman similar in breeding to myself. I shall let him know that I am hence at his disposal."

Is the Benjamin Franklin thing weird or funny? The dude must've been straight up named after fatty Franklin. (Sorry. He always looks chunky in pictures. Why am I apologizing?) I guess there's nothing inherently funny about that. Whiff.

Is it that you're a major? Why would I need military help? Is it my discipline? Do I lack discipline? Is it because I don't make my bed? Well, what's the point? I'm just going to ejaculate in my sheets again tomorrow.

Short Answer: Fuck this, I'm out.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Question: Do you participate in Black Friday?

Hey, I'll trample a doofus any day of the year if they get between me and my slathering consumerism, so it's just not that big a deal for me.

No. Not really. I heard someone say once that the sales on Black Friday aren't even that good, like, they're the third best of the year or something. I don't remember who that person was or if they even existed, but I took that to heart. No sense having to eat my way out of a pseudo-zombie apocalypse just to get a few dollars off a view master, or whatever the fuck people buy.

Though I'm sure some people shop on Black Friday for themselves, to take advantage of the sales to acquire things they think they need, there must be some or many who are Christmas shopping. And that to me isn't really the spirit of Christmas, to be punch-dancing your way through the process, rather than taking the time to think about the people you love and enjoy the act of gift-giving in all its fullness.

What I'm saying is: 'What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.'

Short Answer: Grinched it.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Question: How do you walk with such massive balls?

This question must've come from someone who knows me personally.

I tuck 'em.

Short Answer: My balls are actually quite normal. I like to joke that they're big so that my genitals look like a water-bike, but the truth is, my balls are regular. It's my penis that is absolutely humongous. Well, mostly. It's like thin at the base, then it starts to get bigger, and you're like, "Shit, is this going to keep getting wider?" and there there's a slight upward turn as well as a slight rightward turn (called the chicane) and then it thins back out before diving downward and to the left. It's like a regular penis with a hunchback. Feeling sexy yet?

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Question: What's a growler?

This may be a set up, because my first thought was that it's a type of fart. You know the ones. They come from deep and rumble out like a truck exiting a tunnel in the mountains.

It's some other stuff, too, I guess. They call certain small icebergs growlers. It's a device that tests electric motors. It's a military vehicle. It's another name for the Clarence, a type of horse-drawn carriage. There's a USS Growler in the American navy, and it's also the nickname of a certain kind of surface to air missile. It's a pork pie in Yorkshire, and in parts of England, it refers to a particularly hairy set of lady junk.

Lately it's been popularized by craft beer makers as a name for a certain style of bottle, the kind you get take-away booze in.

But let's get back to the fact that some people call a vagina a growler. That's pretty sweet. Like it's all ornery and displeased, and you'd better not poke it.

Short Answer: How'd your date go last night? Splendid. I fed her a hot meal of peen, right in the fuggin' growler.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Question: Hi there. I don't usually read your blog for the poetry, but it seems a long time since you did one. So I'm going to take one on the chin for all the losers.

I'll go ahead and assume that A) I'm a loser and B) I'm supposed to write a poem now.


Her cloying beauty
sends streaks of stark redness
across the interstitial space.
The striations of infection,
reaching little tendrils of heat,
the radius of raised, pink flesh,
a stark zone of entrapment.
Her eyes like little sicknesses.
Her mouth mandibled for her pleasure.
She smiles with smoky wheezes
and whines with wine-lacquered tongue
and touching you with fingertips that
crawl between
your skin
her bones
she asks for little more than your
whole heart.

Short Answer: It Cleans Up Well

Monday, November 23, 2015

Question: Have you started your Christmas shopping?

I have!

Every year I say something like, "I'd love to get it all done before December. Then we could just chill out and enjoy the Holidays." That's dumb. It never happens, and I still enjoy the Holidays. I let the whole process stress me out too much, as though if I don't get it done fast enough, all the stores and presents will evaporate, and I'll have to go to someone's house and tell one of their children that they aren't getting a present, even thought they'd probably be happy if I wrapped a dirty sock. I write this list of all these people I have to buy for and I feel instant chore-regret.

But it makes no sense, because I badly want to give things, and it's the one time of year when I can justify spending the money. So each year I try harder and harder to be less stressed out about the process, which in itself is a kind of stress. This is something I'd really like to improve.

Anywho, I did start early this year, and with the most fun part: shopping for kids. Which I'm starting to stress out about 'cause shopping for adults is harder and sucks more and I never feel like I have enough money to get the really good ideas, so I'm always buying lesser ideas. I can't wait until I'm a rich and successful author and can use my money to buy people really great things.

And hookers. Like the really expensive ones. Like the ones that have rules.

Short Answer: I'm in a bit of a conundrum due to the fact that I started before December, because now I'm feeling a little Christmas-y, but I try not jumping in until November's over. Gonna have a week of weirdness until I feel like I can really let loose and start wearing antlers and Penis Claus underwear. (The 'claus' is that you gotta suck it.)

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Question: Why does my wife cry so much?

You're probably hoping against hope that I say something misogynistic, sexist, or just plain stupid. Maybe like, "Because women are just hot and dumb." Sadly, the truth is that if your wife cries all the time, it's probably your fault. You're too concerned with your own life, your own work, and porno. You've let yourself go and your worries about unimportant garbage makes your dick work less good. Also, instead of complimenting her when she puts on a nice outfit, you ask where it came from, and why it looks so 'stretchy'.

You can see how frustrating this must be for her. When she cries, you're all like, 'What now? Are you on your period? You get two a month, now?' You think you're sensitive because you're a pussy and are afraid to have much backbone in your daily life, but that's not sensitivity. It's just being a pussy.

Now you're thinking, 'How dare this guy call me a pussy? He's using the word pussy in a defamatory way! He's the misogynist?' Sorry. That's just you being a stupid asshole on top of being a total and complete pussy.

Short Answer: If this doesn't sound right for you in particular, I regret to inform you, it renders the analysis no less accurate.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Question: They have "hypo-allergenic horses" now?

I read this as 'hypno-allergenic' at first. A horse with crazy, black and white, spiral eyes. "Don't you get the fuck on top of my back." And then he sneezes or something.

Yea. I invented this. I was bored one day and I figured I'd throw a bone to the snifflies. I was all like, here's your horse-riding back, you thick-snotted nerdholes. I'm absolutely the best.

Short Answer: Next is a cross-breeding with pygmy horses to create a pocket horse that you can put on your keychain and smell when you miss that dirty, hairy shit smell.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Question: How would you inseminate a pig?

I would encourage another pig to take the reins on this one.

Is that confusing for any of you that I talked about pigs and then reins? Were you like, that's horses, man!

I bet you were.

I'm going to go out on a limb (trees!) and assume you're trying to trap me in some sort of pig-shagging admission out here in the open clearing that is the internet. Well, jokes on you, pal, because I would never fuck a pig, and only let it perform felatio on me once.

So, ha!

Short Answer: I still think the natural way is the best way. The less hands and fingers we have inside our animals the better. They just weren't designed to have our human fingers in them. Like my mom used to say every morning at the breakfast nook, "Better a pig's oily dick then a human hand covered in a latex glove and plenty of lubricant."

Guest Written by Someone Who Doesn't Give a Fuck! (apparently)

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Question: Why khakis?

One time, man! Jesus! I didn't know what you were supposed to wear under a kilt!

Why khakis, indeed. I guess when your cargos don't quite vibe with your deck shoes?

Sadly I'm not inspired by this question. I have a pair of khakis in my closet that I never wear, so I guess I'm on your side, if your side is, why khakis 'cause they just sit in my closet.

I think there's a certain situation that they're appropriate. Like if you're at a summer wedding reception, or getting a tour of a boat, or if you get busted fucking someone's wife. How can you beat up the guy who's slipping on his Dockers? Right, because his penis is covered in your wife's internal film.

Short Answer: Because some dudes don't like jeans or looking good.

Note: If we were talking about pleated khakis, I mean the opposite of all this.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Question: How do you feel about the world right now?

I'm sure this is a question about some very specific things that are happening. I don't need to list them, you all know what they are.

As this is a humor blog, I'm not going to get into the details. I'll say this, and risk the ire of anyone who reads it.

People have always done terrible things to each other. History is a blood-red tapestry of heinous acts. The thing that bothers me when a tragedy strikes is the way we become divided so quickly. It's as though human compassion only lasts to the end of a social media feed, before people start making the news about themselves, using horrors as opportunity to spout their own agendas.

It's nice the way the world comes together when something bad happens. But only when the media covers it properly, and only briefly. Just a few days hence, and we're as divided as ever.

Because I'm a believer in patterns of behaviour and the inherent selfishness and survival instinct of humans, it does not surprise me. But it is a lot to take to the face every single day when you look out into the world.

This morning, in the span of twenty minutes I cried because of the actions of some, and was disgusted by the words of others.

I just wanted to read a poop joke, man.

Short Answer: Do you think Charlie Sheen got HIV from tiger blood?

Note: All right, I've decided to go on ahead and say the thing I want to say. We live in the greatest time in the history of the world. A lot of very smart people say that we're safer than we've ever been, and that there's less war in the world than at any other time throughout history. I have a tendency to reach for that, to fall back on it in times of strife, rather than get my head turned around. That's not to say you don't have the right to be angry or frightened. Do as you see fit. But a little perspective in times of crisis goes a long way. Perspective leads to processing information less emotionally, which leads to creating actual solutions rather than aimless rants and arguments where no one is listening to anyone but themselves.

One last thing. When a tragedy involving deaths - of which there have been many over the last year we're now discovering - occurs, why not leave the people whose family members died to process the emotion? Though our compassion and empathy are unavoidable, we didn't die. Our family members didn't die. So we have a greater capacity to be rational and kind and smart while they mourn. We should use it. Bickering over political nonsense does not honor dead innocents.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Question: Just burps.

Asked my wife to ask me a question today. She just burped at me.

I didn't have a more attractive offer.

(She just farted super loud while I was writing the last word of the...there's another one. Okay. Hard to work when my wife is home from work, as per usual.)

Lately she's been getting up in the morning and watching X-Files episodes on the couch with no pants on. And I mean no pants at all. She just puts the laptop on her vagina, ducks into her headphones and wiggles her head like Milhouse in a tent.

I don't know how I get anything done. Though I suppose you could claim that this is nothing. If you were a dick.

Short Answer: I think she might be super evil. She used to just walk around with her big boobs out to distract me, and at some point in the last year it shifted to passing butt-walks. I think maybe she's trying to attract my attention. Funny it hasn't occurred to her to go completely naked, yet. I guess when you wake up one morning and there's no blog posts anymore, you'll know she's figured it out.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Question: My wife salivates when she sees a half-naked man on television. What can I do to stop her?

Remove her salivary glands or her sexual bits. Remove the television. Remove your fat.

Any of these things should provide a nice, sexless marriage for you. Except maybe removing your fat. Maybe if you do that she'll want to bone you, but I doubt it. Once a woman is willing to get excited over pretty colors on a screen, she probably doesn't want the full sweat-n-smell experience of having someone like you on and up in her.

In all seriousness, it's good if your wife is turned on easily. Women can be attracted to many things, and your inherent manliness might be one of them. So I'd encourage it. Maybe even try to get involved, like encouraging her to masturbate to some of these TV people while you watch.

Let me tell you, a worse problem is a woman who doesn't get excited. Imagine having to tempt a tiger out of a cage and then grease it and fuck it every time you were horny?

Maybe don't imagine that. My point is that your problem may in fact - in this very rare case - be a blessing in spit-covered disguise. Give your woman what she wants and she'll appreciate you, and maybe even throw you a bone after she's finished being inseminated by the local sports team.

Short Answer: I know it's kind of gross when women flip out over 'hot dudes' but fair's fair, home slice.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Question: What question do you have for us?

You ever think of your balls as a dickporch?

Us? Is this everyone who reads my blog? Wow. Nice work, everyone. How did you manage to get seven people in one room?

Here's a question. Why do you not promote my blog more? You know I'm hilarious and large-wanged. I needs ta get paid.

I suppose it's not your job to promote me. It's your job to watch me strip and dance and leave no tip. Well I work for tips!

That's not true. I don't expect tips. I expect the whole wiener! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Short Answer: Gimme the wiener!

Note: Seriously, why are you here? You know that other blogs have pictures, right?

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Question: I hate a lot of things. What do you hate?

Thanks for letting me know up front that you hate a lot of things. Was this supposed to inform my answer? Am I to feel pressure to hate more than normal? You can't change me, man!

Hate's a strong word. And so is cunt. So there you go.

Things I Hate:

That we don't use the word 'hussy' anymore to describe loose women.
When you're masturbating and your pet catches you.
When poop smells like food you ate recently.
That most people don't bother to put sour cream in their mashed potatoes.
Where prostates are.
People who call boobs 'chesticles'.
That 'things that go dump in the night' didn't get the laughs it deserved.
When you're hungry for pizza but you already had pizza.
Squidgy poops.
The amount of calories in a doughnut.
Soapboxing or as I call it, making something about yourself.
The existence of the cucumber and all its nefarious plots.
The vaginas of my enemy's mothers, which is why I pounds 'em so hard.
Articles of clothing.
Trying to find quarters in a bunch of change and continually getting fooled by nickels.
The tiny patch on my neck where my beard grows weird which keeps me from having the best beard in the history of man.

Short Answer: Bonus: Movies that pretend they're subtle, interesting, progressive and engaging, then end with stabbing, shooting or physical struggle.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Question: Save me for Friday the 13th! What's your favorite superstition?

Not much for superstitions, though I'm not the kind of asshole who will walk under a ladder just to do it. That's calling down the thunder. I also won't wear the number thirteen if I can help it. Because it's the number of Aes Sedai it would take to control the Dragon Reborn, and then where will we all be when Tarmon Gai'don comes?

(Re-reading The Wheel of Time. Suck it.)

Breaking mirrors doesn't seem all that scary, plus it keeps Bloody Marys away. Touching wood's dumb because even things that look like wood aren't necessarily wood, then how much of an asshole are you? Crossing your fingers doesn't make you any less of a lying sack of shit. Four leaf clovers is like a weird plant anomaly. Dumb.

I think my favorite is that women were bad luck on sea voyages. The reason I like that one, is because some women would be 'encouraged' to expose themselves to the sea in order to counteract this superstition. This is a very early sign of men taking the time to propagate something that makes their lives include more titties.

Short Answer: In truth, I've always been a little wary of Friday the 13th itself. Don't know why. It's not like all of us can contract HPV on the same day or whatever.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Question: Hairburger?

Everything about this grosses me out.

First it made me think of 'furburger' which is a term I do not like, no sir. I think it's most often used in reference to a vagina, and those are gross, too.

Then I actually thought of a beef patty with a shitload of hair sticking out of it. And not long wavy tresses, like the kind of sporadic and dense hair that grows out of an aging man's ear middle.

Then I thought of a burger patty composed completely of hair. Not cool. But better than vegan.

It's weird. I've often found my wife's hair in my food and I think nothing of it. But if I get a long, dark hair in a meal at a restaurant, I burn the place down. Which is weird, because there's no way anyway working there is as filthy as my whore wife.

Short Answer: What kind of fries come with a hairburger? Is it assfries? It's assfries isn't it? It's assfries.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Question: Baths or showers?

Yea, I'm a pretty big bath guy most days. Though sometimes I couldn't be bothered to bathe, and on those days stepping  under something is a shit-tonne easier than all the prep that goes into a bath.

I like rubber duckies quite a bit, and foresee that when I'm rich and/or famouser, I'll have quite the collection. I already have a few sweet ones.

I've got rubber duckies from the hotel I stayed at on my wedding night. They have sunglasses on. I have an elf ducky for Chrimmas time and one that looks like a soccer ball, and my favorite, a pink ducky with little white polka dots.

All of that I just said is real.

Short Answer: I like to read books in the bath; that's my big relaxing activity. Can't read books in the shower. Pages get wet.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Question: What's your take on the Drake Equation?

N = The number of civilizations in The Milky Way Galaxy whose electromagnetic emissions are detectable.
R* = The rate of formation of stars suitable for the development of intelligent life.
fp = The fraction of those stars with planetary systems.
ne = The number of planets, per solar system, with an environment suitable for life.
fl = The fraction of suitable planets on which life actually appears.
fi = The fraction of life bearing planets on which intelligent life emerges.
fc = The fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space.
L = The length of time such civilizations release detectable signals into space.

Image result for the drake equation

Save some Fs for the rest of us, am I right?

Yea, it's not very good. Because some of it is kinda filling in blanks, the whole thing doesn't act the way a mathematic equation must act to be trusted.

Turns out Frank Drake never intended it to be all that accurate, though. He was just trying to spark conversation at some SETI meeting. So give him a break, people. It's a better predictor of alien life than you could create. Would you think to use all those Fs?

(Though people think N is a number reflecting the possibility of alien life, it's actually a predictor of whether or not there are detectable radio waves that could be from another civilization.)

Short Answer: Equations make for exciting answers. Here's one. My bum + pizza + terlet = F (as in Fuucckck...)

Monday, November 9, 2015

Question: There's a "Toy Hall of Fame?"

Yea. My favorite is the three-fingered buttplug ballslapper. No, no, wait, it's the vibrating Fonzie thumb. No, it's gotta be the duck-mouth spreader with self-applicating anal nitrate. Hold on, my favorite is the Rim-Around-the-Rosey knuckle-monster with authentic gorgonzola scent. Or the This Just In, Newsies themed dildo from Huge Ethnic Dong Corp. I'm getting ahead of myself, it's gotta be the live spider nest ball and rump tickler. Wait, maybe it's the LPGA two-in-one golfball head putt-stuffer with complimentary Grittylube. Or maybe Mega Joe's After Dinner Bowel Grazer 2000, the purple one.

Short (but still a good size) Answer: Wait, is there another Toy Hall of Fame?

Honorable Mentions: Chef Boy Are Deep's collection of naughty planet anal beads, The Cum Together Beatles' print Yoko Ono two-way dildo for guys and the Mississauga pork-pie surprise.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Question: Which is the superior pasta?

Got a bit of a swamp butt situation going this morning, so I'm writing this from the terlet. (Never eat two whole pizzas in one evening.) Feels like I got a football in my tummy and I'm just taking pencil-thin shavings off it.

Now, food. Basically, homemade pasta is the tits. If you use durum flour (finely ground semolina) to some degree, you're going to get the best pasta. As for the store bought dried pastas, they're all pretty much the same.

Beyond that, there isn't much to say. Pasta is simple, so keep it simple.

Short Answer: I'm a pretty big fan of the whole wheat dried pasta. I use it in my lasagna. I like the way it holds its texture after an hour in the oven. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Question: My foot hurts?

Put up a request for questions on Facebook because I was running low. This is what I get. People who use Facebook are something.


Is it in your mouth or in someone else's butt? No? Did you smack it against something or smack something with it? Like a mouth or a butt? No? Have you been standing, walking or running? Yes? It might be those things.

I do appreciate questions of all forms, I do. Sometimes the simplest question can inspire me to induce gale-force winds of laughter in those about me. But other times, it just seems like some words. I know I'm a total dick about this. To ask for a question and then be unsatisfied is bad enough, but to continually tell people that they can 'ask me anything' and I'll do the rest, to tell people to let me take care of the funny, and then complain when I get a question like this? What does that make me?

A monster. Fine. I can handle that. But how does it make you feel? You took the time (15 to 32 seconds) to ask me this question, and look what has happened? I grumbled and moaned and wrote one semi-funny sentence. Do you feel betrayed? Terrible? Vindicated for not having asked enough questions in the past?

Here's why your foot hurts. Because the world owes you nothing. Not even I owe you a funny answer, apparently.

Short Answer: The human body does a whole tonne of weird crap all the time. Most things will go away if you don't use that section/appendage to fuck something or get fucked.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Question: If you could choose how you were going to be murdered, what would it be?

My first instinct is poison. The slow drawn out kind, like when your wife is putting something in your food. That seems to be the most diabolical thing one person can do to another. Not only is it pre-meditated, you have ample opportunity to change your mind, which makes the murderer evil over and over again.

Though I would enjoy that, it isn't the most spectacular way. I've always thought those thresher machines in factories were amazing, you know the ones that look like a wood-chipper but you can put your fridge in there? One was featured in an underrated James Bond movie that I won't get into. (Timothy Dalton forever!) It would be pretty sweet to have someone push you into that thing.

I've always thought choices were scary. If it even counts as murder, I like the idea of being put into a terrible situation, and having to chose one of many terrible options. ('Like' in this case meaning it would make a good story.) Something along the lines of, "Here's your wife. We'll rape her with this horse if you don't jump in that hole feet first and let us bury you in acid." That would be a great headline the next day.

Short Answer: "Man lets wife get horse-fucked, still dies in terrible acid grave."

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Question: If you could choose to take one superpower away from everyone in comics, hero and villain, what would it be?

From everyone?

Adamantium claws.

That's a joke.

I don't know, man. I like superpowers. And the ones that are shitty don't really deserve my attention, and they're often very specific. (Looking at you, Cipher, you piece of garbage.) I guess the best answer would be something like flying, because that would change how comics are written. And it doesn't really make sense that people can fly. Many other superpowers come from something, but no one was bitten by a radioactive ptarmigan.

(Is that the funniest bird for that joke? Radioactive swallow? Radioactive albatross? Radioactive oriole?)

I guess my answer is super strength, because that's the big one that separates metas from normal. If you weren't super strong, then a person could get tired of your shit and punch your lights out. That would change the dynamic between the tribes.

Short Answer: I still hold that super speed is the greatest power of all, and I would never take that away from anyone. Except maybe Superman. Fuck him and his never-ending string of powers.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Question: If you were trapped on a dessert island, what would you bring?

Okay, here goes.

If I found myself trapped on an island, I wouldn't be able to bring anything. Plus, what would I need other than all those tasty desserts?

That's right, friend. You've done the unthinkable. The worst crime in all of English language humanity. You've suggested a dessert island, rather than a desert island. And in case you don't know, that's doubly stupid, because what you're really trying to say is deserted island. So you were two whole steps under the line of acceptability. You wouldn't be let into the club because you look too 'gronky'.

Short Answer: A spoon.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Question: Do you really have to answer anything that anyone asks?

I don't have to do anything.

I could stop doing my blog this very minute and I won't face a single firing squad.

I have, however, up to this point, answered every single question that has ever been asked of me, save a few minor avoidances. For example, if I write an answer and someone asks me the question a second time because they're displeased with the answer I gave, or because they think I misunderstood them, I won't answer. These people are dumb and don't get stuff. You ask the question, and it's art; it's not yours anymore. Plus, I don't want the same question coming up day after day on my blog because that confuses people and they think there is no new content. The few times I have had questions that are similar to other ones in quick succession, my traffic goes down.

That's pretty much it. The above scenario has only happened two or three times. Otherwise, it's been nearly two thousand questions with nary a hesitation. I have no process of evaluation when I read a question. I simply read it and then write whatever comes to mind.

I could see there being a few problematic questions, but I don't think my instinct would be to ignore them. I'd rather include them on the blog and write about my reaction to them. I've done that to some degree more than a few times, where I think a question is absolutely unitarded so I lay into its balls.

Short Answer: It's very difficult to ask a bad question, or a risqué question, or a stupid question. The only questions I have trouble with on a semi-regular basis are people who try to be funny in the question itself, not allowing much room for me to be funny. I suggest to people who do that to start their own blog. Or at least consider that your funny should beget funny. No one wants to come to my blog and read: "Good one," as an answer.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Question: Would you make love to a raven?


This is the third 'raven' themed question in less than two weeks. We had that question about Raven Symone and Raven the wrestler, then Raven Symone vs. Jaleel white. Is this a coincidence?

I'd hate to have to make some rule where I don't answer any questions with the word raven in them for a while.

So don't make me do that!

Obviously I would not, could not, fuck a raven. That's sick and tiny and weird. Plus those birds are smart as fuck. They'd know they were being violated, and then a bunch of them would come to my house and peck my nuts off.

Also, even if you could fuck an animal in terms of physics, why would you ever 'make love' to it? Who loves an animal that way? I loved my childhood dog, but if he came on to me when he was drunk I'd hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Short Answer: Bad dog! No! No dicks! No!

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Question: Would you rather be shorter or taller?

Not to be a total bitch and choose neither, but I'm pretty pleased with the height I am.

These questions are tough for me because I'm so great. I don't often think things like, "I wish I could reach more shit." I think things like, "I reach the perfect amount of shit. Can I be any more badass?"

Same as, "I wish my dick was bigger." I don't say that. I say things like, "Sorry I killed your wife, Steve."

And I sure as hell never say, "I don't like myself." I say, "If I met myself on the street, I'd rape my own ass."

Exactly the Correct Height Answer: If I was a different height, I wouldn't be me. And nobody wants that. Unless you'd get to be me instead, and you'd totally love that. Because you're too short and/or too tall.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Question: Happy Halloween!

This isn't a question.

Short Answer: I too like Halloween.

Note: Wow. I feel bad about this one for some reason. I already published it, in fact, so you might be getting the shitty version without this...what's the opposite of a preamble? Postamble? Sounds like what a person from the UK calls an ambulance or a postal truck. Anywho, just wanted to say that Halloween's great, and that if you want some Halloween themed answers, you'll have to go through the archives. People didn't ask me many Halloween questions this year, and I've been a little preoccupied so I failed to come up with some fun ideas for Halloween themed answers.

Peas and carrots!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Question: Have you ever had occasion to use the phrase "bippity boppity boo" in a threatening manner?

Shit. I always thought it was 'bibbidy bobbidy'. Fuck me.

Threatening, perhaps not quite. But I did see a stage play of Mary Poppins when I was about fourteen and when the chimney sweep slipped I bibbidy bobbidy booed his clumsy ass.

Well, that's not true, but it's a nice image.

Like me having a man-sized penis rather than this baby pinky between my bestial thighs that if appropriately named would have a moniker along the lines of:

the laugh factory
pleaser of no women
pig tail
pencil eraser
the part the chef cut off his finger
the smaller ball
the dissapointanator
the cat nose
when Harry saw Sally's clitoris

Short Answer: I actually have a hefty, thermos-like penis. So long as you've got cookies, man!

Note: It's okay to be confused by that short answer. It just kind of came out. But it's non-threating, like my teensy-weensy wang.

Double Note: My penis is a good size.

Triple Note: Yea, I just remembered this question wasn't about my penis at all.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Question: Raven Symone or Jaleel White?


Fuck you.

This question is so shitty.

See what I did there?

I'm not going through categories. Raven Symone was adorable and hilarious on the Cosby Show when she was little. Then she grew up and fat and did something unbearable. Jaleel White has only done the unbearable.

Short Answer: How much better would this question be if it was Nina Simone and Betty White? Get better, internet.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Question: Can you gross me out?

See, this is the kind of thing that gets me into trouble.

Of course I can. But because I don't know you personally, instead of flailing, I'll shine a little light on the process of grossing out, which is very similar to the process of making something mundane seem funny.

Here's a statement:

"I'd like to get in that girl's butt."

Not too gross, no real imagery. But if we escalate:

"I'd like to put a finger inside that girl's butt."

That's a bit better, but not really gross, just more descriptive. Now watch this:

"I'd like to worm a finger into that girl's asshole."

See what I did there? Now there are some strong actions, images and the word asshole, which is gross. Know what's grosser?

"I'm gonna worm some fingers into her arsehole."

There we have it! Intent, implied aggression (if not malice), multiple fingers and the most grody word for an anus: arsehole. Now it's gross!

You can take this formula and provide escalation for almost any simple statement, to make people laugh or upchuck.

"I make biscuits," becomes: "All this vag yeast is going into this Bisquick, stat."
"Here's a sex toy," can be: "Let's go mouth to ass with this frozen turd popsicle."
"Let's go to the movies," is now: "I buttered the popcorn with my semen so we wouldn't have to pay extra at the concession stand."

Short Answer: The grossest thing about the last one is how expensive concession stands are. They're the arsehole of the movie theater.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Question: Old balls?

Elderly nuts.
Advanced sack.
Aged bag.
Expired pills.
Senior cojones.
Venerable junk.
Garbage in dotage.
Long in the package.
Grey-haired boys.
Past gonad prime.
Ancient testicles.
Doddering scrotum.
Senile jewels.
Not long for these bollocks.

Short Answer: Decrepit garbage. Over the hill bundle. Getting on in years pouch. No spring testes chicken...

Monday, October 26, 2015

Question: Is it too early for Halloween horror movie marathon reccomendations?

Shit no. Here's a fresh lineup that will blow your ass off.

Seek out the remake of Maniac starring Elijah Wood. It's a POV horror movie! I really enjoyed it, and I think there's a lot of fun to be had, so long as you don't sick up.

Creep starring Mark Duplass was a sweet little surprise. Then go with Antichrist by Lars Von Trier for more sick up. Then seek out a little British movie called The Kill List and thank me later, and to top it all off, throw in your favorite Wes Craven film to honor his passing, or if you weren't a fan, celebrate the 40th anniversary of possibly the greatest film ever made, Jaws.

There. Your own little horror marathon? What's that? You'd like me to put together an alternative lineup?


Start off with Lucky McKee's brilliant little gem, May. Then ease into Korean revenger I Saw the Devil, followed by Dario Argento's insane masterpiece Phenomena. Hit a classic like The Omen, then finish with a dash of the new movie everyone's talking about: It Follows!

One more? Why not!?!!?!

Start off right with John Carpenter's Halloween, then left turn into Lucio Fulci's Zombie! Next, the quirky and underrated The People Under the Stairs in honor of Mr. Craven, or Jacob's Ladder if you're not a Craven fan. Then crazy, nightmare turn into Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Delicatessen, and finish off with Universal's best, Bride of Frankenstein!

Short Answer: That should keep you going for a few nights.

Here's one for real pros.

Evil Dead
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Shining
Deep Red
The Ring

Oh, that doesn't intimidate you?


The Exorcist
In the Mouth of Madness


Let the Right One In
High Tension
Piranha (by Aja)
The Lost Boys
Prince of Darkness

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Question: I like when you do those things where you look up words on Google and comment on what it says.

Maybe I shouldn't assume everything that comes through my inbox is a question, but I fail to accept that people just want to tell me things on my contact form. So I treat each one like a question. I like to think it encourages participation. Maybe I'm wrong.

I just did one of these posts rather recently, but I guess I can go again. This might take some time, so go get a cup of coffee. Oh, right, time isn't the same for us. Read it now, I guess. Why do I feel rushed all of a sudden?

Girl gets...hit with shovel. #1. World fucked. #1. Yep. Time to fucking weaponize space, everyone.
Is it bad if...your poop is green. For the win. Though the rest are worth mentioning. 2...your pee is clear. poop blood (yes). bruise easily.
How common is...herpes. You guessed it. Mostly STDs here. By the way, they're all very, very common.
If Adolf...Hitler flew in today. This one blew my mind. Flew in from where? Was he on vacation? Are we all going to meet him at the airport? I guess we're all really close friends with Hitler. Maybe we can help him move.
Digging a dream. I guess this is a common occurrence for people. I've never dreamt of digging a grave, so I was surprised. I looked up what it meant, but the answers were too disparate and all positive, which made no sense to me. Plus who can tell you what your dream means? It might mean you like digging graves. You might be a gravedigger for a living, so it probably doesn't mean 'you're moving on in your life' or some other bullshit. Means you dig graves. #4 hand. That's more like it.
Eating pizza...everyday. #1! Thanks, America! #2...before workout. Obviously. #3...before bed. Yep. If #4 had been...during sex, it would have been a clean sweep for me.
Googled my...therapist at #3. I found this interesting. First, the commonality of therapists, and second the checking up factor as though their credentials aren't enough. 'Who this bitch? Why she think she can tell me what to do?' Canada at #1! Welcome, tourists.
Thailand...horror movies at #1. I thought maybe hookers or transgender something, but nope. Faith restored. (Gonna watch a Thai horror movie this Halloween. And probably have sex with a woman that likely has a penis. The Thailand double feature! Awwww...wouldn't it be great if we could call transgendered people double features? Boo to political correctness, boo and boo again.)
Transgender...Vancouver. At #1. That surprised me. And again, I say, welcome tourists. #2...jazz. That's a big thing? Transgender jazz? Suddenly I feel old and weird, like maybe this term means something and I've just never heard of it before. Like its a funky new sex act that involves a lot of gender confusion and hurt feelings.
My mother is...toxic at #1? Jesus. Then again, I guess these are the same people who are Googling their therapists. But, man, aren't we supposed to love and respect our mothers? (Also, I immediately thought of Britney Spears when I saw the word toxic, which makes me fuckin' sad. Though that is a pretty good song.) #2...a baker. A fine occupation.
Bums...away! I can only imagine where this is shouted.

Short Answer: There you go. Hope you got your fix. If not, I've done this a few other times on blog. I guess you'll just have to read through the posts one by one until you find them. Get it? Because there's no way to search for them? See what I did there?

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Question: What do you think will be the most popular Halloween costume this year?/Turdbucket.

(Did you know that I refer to my blog as Blogbert? Don't know if I've ever shared that before. It's like Albert. Get it?)

My wife asked me this question, so I'm not going to take it very seriously. She asked the question, and then I said, 'Ugh. I didn't want an actual question.' And she said, 'Turdbucket.'

Popular costumes this year? Let's see. A gun? That seems to be a thing people love these days. How about a costume depicting the clusterfuck in Syria? (Actually, you could go as a turd in a bucket and call it Syria.) Bernie Sanders? Though I think Larry David already beat the fuck out of your costume. Trump, of course. You just gotta kill a blonde skunk and staple it to your head.

I'd like to see Freddy make a comeback this year in honor of Wes Craven's passing. Or maybe some Jaws costumes to celebrate its 40th anniversary, but I guess those won't be popular. At least they weren't until I just suggested them on my world-renowned blog!

Renown. That's a funny word. Renown. Renown.

Short Answer: Renown.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Question: What do you think of the old addage, 'Make new friends but keep the old?'


Friends are stupid. They're like family but they don't have to do things for you. So you get all the whiny negative crap without the benefits of rides to the airport or help on moving day.

New friends are dumb because they don't know you well enough to get what you need. And old friends are dumb because they always treat you the way they did when you were younger. With new friends you have to explain yourself all the time and with old friends you have to convince them that you've evolved, and no you're not going to pee on that guy's doorstep. Yea, I did it when I was fourteen, Carl. Fourteen!

In fact, I think I'd like to take umbrage with this adage. The whole thing is: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. Which one is which? And why is one more valuable than the other? If I had to guess, I'd say they were claiming that old friends are gold, therefore better. I have old friends who are jumped up messes, and new friends who function in society just fine. So that's not a hard and fast rule.

This adage should imply that old friendships get better with age. It should be, one is a bottle of Pepsi, and the other wine. Like, new friends are bubbly and sweet and it may not last, but the first half of that bottle is gonna be good. But old friends - unless they've aged for too long - are going to be enjoyable for the entire bottle.

Short Answer: I might have lost that at the end. Whatever, buttholes.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Question: Who do you love?

I wasn't sure who wrote this song, so I glooged it. I discovered that the version I was thinking of was done by The Sapphires, but I also discovered that someone named YG had done a version of it more recently.

Then I was quickly corrected by my eyeballs and earholes. YG had not done a version of The Sapphires' hit. It was a different song, that in my opinion, should have ben called, 'Bitch, Who Do You Love' or 'I fucking love the N-word'. But Drake was on it so I guess that makes it good or something.

It made Degrassi pretty good.

(Don't bother looking up any of these references if you don't get them. You'll be disappointed.)

I love lots of people. Family, friends, some famous ladies with big boobs. No point going into specifics, really.

I'm gonna gloog some other stuff. Back in a jiffy.

Short Answer: Turns out, I'm an idiot. The song I was thinking of was a Bo Diddly song. Why I thought that could've been The Sapphires is beyond me. Maybe because I got distracted by that dude's terrible acting in his terrible video about his terrible rap song. Who Do You Love is a very popular name for songs, apparently. If you gloog it yourself you'll see. Did I answer any part of this question?

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Question: Can you do a post in the voice of an old timey prospector?


I kept trying to get Albert to roll on his side during the night, so I could slip my pecker between his dadburn buttcheeks. That ol' fella was havin' none of it! That put me in some dumfungled situation, let me tell you.

Then, like a bolt from the heavens, I had the concarn figured. I'd just have to fit two fingers in there, and he'd be hornswoggled!

Whooo-eeee! (Does little prospector dance.) Ol' Albert didn't know what hit him. Before long he was buttered up for one sockdolager of a rump-shaming!

Short Answer: I reckon he'll have to go a far ways from camp to poop for a week or two. Even gettin' 'et by wolves is better than havin' the other fellas hear your traumatic butt-fuckery moanin'.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Question: Have you ever thought of wearing make-up?

Thought about it? I'm covered in it right now! I have this particular, unseemly bulge between my left nut and my right nut and I just can't stand to look at it. Having not the skill to blend the shadows, I just put a tonne of rouge on my nut sack so it looks like two clowns are Eskimo kissing.

(Yes, I'm very aware we're not supposed to use the word Eskimo. It was just funnier than Inuit kissing. Which is when two snowpeople rub their anuses together.)

(Yes, I'm aware we're not supposed to call the Inuit 'snowpeople'.)

I've only worn makeup a few times in my life, and always on stage. A little eyeliner to look more ladylike when I was dressed as a lady, and a little eyeliner to look more eyebally for a Shakespeare character. You know, the eyebally one.

(No not Shylock from Merchant of Venice you fuckin' racist.)

Other times I've thought things like, "Man, I'd look good with a little eye-shadow" and "Man, I'd like to put your dick in my mouth" but for the most part I'm cool with naked-face and vag.

Short Answer: The only time I've ever wished I had access to make-up is when I get a break out of face-herpes because I have face-herpes.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Question: Are you going to vote in the election?

I have some very complex feelings about this. I've had them for a few days now, and I think they've finally clarified into one dominant emotion.

I'm angry.

First, a little background.

I have always been interested in philosophy and political science. You might even say that I'm interested in the philosophy of political science. My father majored in Poli-Sci, and the books were always around. I've even read some of them over the years. Some of them twice.

I am disgusted by politicians and politics. I think politicians are inherently devious scumbags, and politics a poor substitution for real statesmanship and governance.

Though I am interested in the political climate on a regular basis and tend to have opinions, because of the above statements and some other factors, I've often chosen to abstain from participating in our democracy in terms of casting a vote – or as I think of it, an endorsement – for one person or party.

This has never been an issue until now.

This election, I've been disrespected and insulted by my peer group on numerous occasions leading up to voting day. From blatant haranguing to backhanded comments, from poorly concealed looks of derision to people veering away from conversations because they don't want to hear my opinion, knowing it differs from theirs.

I have not soapboxed. In fact, I often try to avoid these conversations. You see, I don't have a strong opinion. I don't care to go out and change the system with my passions, so I don't wear any of this on my sleeve. But with friends, on occasion, I'll say something.

I've had to stop doing that. I've had to shut my mouth while everyone pats each other on the back. As you may be aware, I don't appreciate having quiet as my only option.

Did I forfeit a freedom by choosing not to participate, as so many others do? Did my opinion, which I've always given eloquently if not dispassionately, become invalid when faced with contrary opinions? Do I deserve to be treated like I'm lazy, just because I don't do as another does? Am I somehow worse because I don't want to wear the same color shirt that you're so excited to wear?

It's funny that when it's not election time, I'm often applauded for my political opinions within my tribe. I'm scathing and just, intolerant of stupidity and rhetoric. I see the bullshit and I call it out.

I've learned that around election time, when people choose their colors and start sharing their ideas, I'm no longer relevant. If I'm not with you, I'm against you.

But I'm not. I'm against the system. I'm a voice from the dark, a person who is seeing things differently. Not better; I've never professed that. But also not worse. I don't feel attachment to current events the way others do. I can get riled up by bad behaviour, but I see politics the same way I see nations and wars. They come and they go, and we are part of only a small sliver of history. Again, this is not to condemn the involvement of others. I never have. I only try to explain my particular view.

Honesty is something that is important to me, and is the basis for this essay. You can count on me to give my honest opinion, and I'm used to being respected for that, whether a friend agrees or disagrees.

Not lately.

To the point. Based on pressures, frustration, confusion, lack of sleep (thanks to watching The Nightmare) and a sense that though my singular voice doesn't matter much, the voice of my tribe may…

I fucking voted.

Pick up your jaws, friends. Because you're the main reason. Despite all the above factors, I voted because you told me to. You win. You didn't try to coerce me in any typical fashion, but your outright disdain of my beliefs made me feel so terrible, that I began to think harder about this entire thing.

One of my main complaints about our democracy is that there are so many of us that we have no real connection to the people we're voting for. We sift through lies and misinformation, hoping to see a kernel of truth that inspires us. I've never trusted myself with so little information. I think I'm an uneducated voter. I think you are, too. That's the problem. I don't think it's possible for any of us to get enough information about a candidate to know for sure that we should be endorsing them. But you don't want to hear that. I'm basically saying you shouldn't vote either, right?

But I'm not. What I'm saying is that your arguments that I should are weak. 'You can only change the system from inside.' What if I don't want to change the system? 'This is the best we've got.' Then can't I exercise my freedom to reject it?

I did not vote because of any of your arguments. And though I wanted spite to play a part, I didn't vote that way either. (Up until the last moment, I almost did vote for the party that had no chance of winning, just to prove some point that no one wants to hear. Knowing I'd get to smugly keep it to myself forever wasn't incentive enough.)

I voted the way I did because everyone in my peer group dislikes the incumbent. Everyone. All of my friends and peers believe the ship needed to be righted. So I spat in my hands, and I joined you. And though I return immediately to the place of conscientious objector, I want you to remember next time you treat someone the way I've been treated, that people tend to do better when you're kind to them. When you accept them. I did what I did today despite a lack of kindness and acceptance. I did what I thought was right and I added my voice to the voice of people I care about and respect. I trusted them and their honesty. I let all of your passions inform me, because I wasn't sure whether I was right or wrong, and you were all so confident you were right.

A little less confidence might be more attractive moving forward. And that's coming from the most arrogant man you know.

Short Answer: Here's my happy ending, because I still feel very odd about what happened. I went for a long walk after voting this morning, angry and confused at myself and the world, basically putting this essay together in my head without realizing it. At one point I thought about something I've often mentioned to my friends. That voting without being informed is as lazy as not bothering to get off your ass and walk to the polling station. I knew so little about the process that when I got there, I was surprised to find out that to vote for the Prime Minister, you have to vote for the local candidate. This was infuriating, for I barely recognized their names. I stood staring at the card for three minutes, and considered leaving it blank. Then I voted strategically to remove the incumbent Prime Minister. (I say strategically because due to leftists splitting their vote between two parties, they may fail no matter how loud their voices.) On my walk, it occurred to me that I might as well have voted randomly, so little did I know about the local candidates. As a lark, I imagined myself back in the booth, and went through my typical eeny-meeny randomization thing. Turns out, if I had done it completely randomly, I'd have voted for the same party I chose. Walking down the train tracks in the rain, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Note: I was pleased with this piece of writing, so I've decided to leave it alone. But there was one thing that didn't fit that I wanted to address. Why is it acceptable for people to constantly tell everyone else they should vote? Is this a safety in numbers issue? Is that why you think it's acceptable behaviour? We all joke about being bothered by religions trying to convert us, so why does this double standard hold up? If I told you after two months of haranguing from my Mormon friends I decided to go Mormon, you'd think I was mad. Despite my actions today, I don't think it's right to tell other people what to do. Make your suggestions, give your arguments, but this culture of constantly telling others to vote is very hard on people like myself who choose to abstain. We are not your enemies; we are individuals with varied and complex reasons. Even though you all seem to do this and I'm clearly in the minority, I hold that it is bad behaviour. Your response to this may very well be negative or defensive, maybe even aggressive. Try to get past that. Take this instance as an example. I'm a braying, pig-headed asshole with very strong values, and I managed to rethink my position on voting. Then, I talked about it. I didn't hide, like I wanted to. Why do you get to hide behind other people and hurl stones? If you did this at any other time but election time, you'd expect a punch in the face and you'd probably deserve it.

(If getting people to vote more or less didn't blatantly affect the results, I might be a little more forgiving. There are some who just want people to vote for what they would consider good reasons, like wanting the entirety of the nation to be heard, but others try to encourage or discourage voting based on their political agendas. Therefore, it's not a victimless crime to suggest one course or another. It's more politics.)