Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Question: What'd I miss?

Think I'll perform a little interpretation magic on this question to turn the answer into a recap of the last year. So it's going to be more like 'What'd I miss in 2014 while I was on Bleeblorp 7?'

What You Missed in 2014 While You Were On Bleeblorp 7

- U2 got in trouble for charity work again.
- Rich assholes still care about their bottom lines more than the environment.
- Ass became bigger. Like, bigger.
- Ferguson became more relevant than just being the name of my father's epileptic dog.
- The word aggressiveness continues to replace the word aggression for no reason.
- White people are allowed to kill black people still.
- Ebola scared the shit out of people. And the blood.
- Asian planes started disappearing Bermuda Triangle style.
- Putin likes press.
- Suddenly people cared that criminals play football. And facepunch.
- Women got pissed off with good reason. They 'leaned in', then scolded us for looking at their cleavage.
- More crimes against children in Africa. Western world watches reality TV, avoids reality.
- Superhero movies reached for perfection.
- Some people dropped some albums. Few noticed.
- Freedom of speech got a jolt in the arm.
- When Asian countries weren't losing planes, they were playing at being Hollywood executives.
- Hacking became political.
- Naked celebrities got naked.
- Hong Kong + umbrellas = massive peaceful protest.
- Terror group name changes.
- Turned out, people always liked weed.
- Gay people get introduced to proper human rights thanks to support from the newest generation.
- Best World Cup ever!
- People thought dumping ice water on themselves was the same as charity. Also, couldn't figure out that cold water isn't ice water.
- Nothing overtly Russian occurred at the winter Olympics.
- Comet got landed on. Bitch!

Short Answer: All in all, a good year. Here's a bit of advice. If the media is using fear in any way to sell a story, you shouldn't be afraid. Happy New Year, everyone! Remember, the world isn't nearly as bad or fucked up as it seems on TV. And if you disagree, then do the research and send shitloads of money to charities that really help people. In fact, do that anyway.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Question: Are you enjoying the World Juniors this year? What do you think of Canada's chances?

I always enjoy the World Juniors. It's my second favorite tournament, and favorite annual tournament. Suck it, March Madness.

I like Canada's chances this year because they seem to have done what our men's Olympic teams do, which is take all the most skilled players and figure it out from there. This incarnation of our Junior team is highly skilled and very fast, and there aren't as many role players or defensive specialists.

The Germans played us fairly tight in the second period and we made the Fins look better than they are, so there are still some concerns. Having all this skill leads to a specific and expected backlash, which is the development of bad habits due to things coming a little too easily. We've fallen prey to that for about five years straight, and I'm just crossing my fingers that the experience on this team leads these kids to stepping up in the crucial moments. That means simplifying, digging hard in the corners and playing smart, responsible defense. The defense in particular is a hard ask for younger players, especially when the going gets going.

Our goaltending is a question mark. Fucale hasn't impressed, and Comrie had a fairly easy game. It's strange having grown up with definitive and amazing goaltenders in the World Juniors to have sketchiness in the position. And as many have said before, it is the most important position on the ice.

Short Answer: We'll learn a lot from the American game on New Year's Eve. I'm hopeful, but not convinced. If Max Domi has anything to say about it - and he will - it could very well be our year. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

Question: How would you improve the fast food experience?


But not necessarily for any typical reasons. Imagine a fast food restaurant, full of the hustle and bustle that normally accompanies said venue, whilst intermittently someone howls at the very peak of their lungs because they've once again splashed oil on their cootchie.

Also, pick-up windows would be a lot better if you got a face full of 'lean-over-boobs' when you were given your bag of treats. And that thing where you're sitting at a table and someone starts washing the floor around you wouldn't be so annoying if you could see the color of their scrotum.

I saw a video once and it was of a Japanese nakey model named Rio Hamasaki. Actually, she might even be a pornstar. In the video, she's naked and taking orders at the front of a fast food joint. It sounds mundane, but the combination of her huge boobs and the two Robert Palmer-style back-up naked people behind her doing the cooking made for a terrific experience, and has proven to me without a doubt that nudity belongs/goes everywhere, just like special sauce.

Short Answer: I guess instead you could make the food better. If you hate progress.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Question: Have you ever felt less like answering a question?

It's funny that I feel this way. I think it was only yesterday that I talked about the fact that I never get tired of questions.

Well, irony is a dick. And it's possible for anyone to get tired of anything at any time. It just takes the right twist of the knife, the right series of circumstances, and things can become difficult.

I'm a funny guy, and it takes a lot to keep me from making jokes. I'm an ass about it. I think almost every situation ever presented to me is an opportunity for humour. From the most obvious forum to the far past the line of inappropriate situation, I'm there, trying to make everybody laugh.

I only have a short time in which to accomplish this task today, and in the spirit of honesty - something I'm embracing more and more on blog - I've decided to tell the truth. Rather than put this task off until I'm in a more humorous mood, I'll do as always and get through this as quickly as possible and off the top of my head.

So. I had no questions waiting for me today. I'm out. I asked this question of myself, and I've answered it exactly how I'd answer humorously. By putting down the words as they come to me. I think it's okay. You can't be funny all the time, and trying to entertain with any consistency has its own particular backlash.

And it matters; to be honest, to be vulnerable to criticism, to expose yourself as a human who fails at things. If you're disappointed in this answer, maybe that's okay. Maybe you should be. If you think nothing of it and give me another chance, good. No guarantee I'll be funny tomorrow either, though.

Short Answer: Chances are good I'll be funny tomorrow.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Question: Aren't you tired of questions?


I'm a bit of a know-it-all. You might have noticed. See what I did there? Priceless.

When someone asks you a question, it's basically like they've given you a hot mic, made the crowd be quiet and directed a spotlight on your ravaging smile.

This makes some people shrivel in their panties. I, on the other hand, am prone to puff up like a re-hydrated dried fruit. And my panties fill with a rather impressive attention boner. Sometimes it even shifts my balls a bit.

So no, I'm not tired of questions. Unless it's a serious question and I answer it thoroughly, but the asker of said question doesn't agree with my opinion (i.e. is too stupid to understand it) and so asks the same question again in a slightly different way. I have no desire to reword my statement, ya doofus.

But no, things are going well. It would be different if I had to have stunning, mind-blowing questions. The fuel for this blog really has nothing to do with the quality of the question. It's how I feel about the question at the moment I first read it. In fact, some of my worst answers come from people trying to ask funny or entertaining questions. I don't know how to play second fiddle to my own premise.

Sometimes people are disappointed in the answer I give because they'd envisioned another answer. Here's a little advice for those people. Write the question down and answer it yourself. You come to me for something different, because I'm a different person than you are. If you just want to hear your own opinion, say it in the mirror. That's known as opinion fluffing from now on.

In conclusion, leave the funny to the professionals. And if you can't afford one of those, I'm here. And I spent two semesters abroad at the International Cabin of Clown Colleges and my marks were subpar to acceptable.

Short Answer: It's ridiculous I know, but they didn't think it was funny when I'd wear the big red shoes on the wrong feet. Or, to be fair, when I'd steal a kid's nose and then only return it after eating it and pooping it out. One time I stole a clown's nose this way, and I palmed a brown nose, and I ate the red nose get the idea.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Question: What does your holiday look like?

It looks like me eating until I need to lie down, then getting up and eating until I need to lie down again.

Short Answer: My whole body hurts.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Question: The fact that you don't take a day off makes me feel bad about myself.

Merry Christmas!

Short Answer: If it makes you feel any better, I've been doing this every day for so long that it has become habit. So it takes absolutely no discipline. It's more like an itch that requires scratching. Anyone can scratch an itch. Unless you have no hands. But then how did you ask this question? You probably have hands. I'm done, now. Have a great day everybody!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Question: Happy Christmas Eve, Ask Keith Anything!

Thanks, pal.

In honor of Christmas, here's a special Top Fifteen of my favorite previous Christmas posts. Hope you enjoy!

15) Question: Why aren't we allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore?
14) Question: What kind of foods do you like to eat over the Holidays?
13) Question: Can you rewrite the twelve days of Christmas song for a modern audience?
12) Question: What are your top ten best Christmas-related foods?
11) Question: The holidays are quickly approaching. What do you think of people dropping Christmas for political correctness?
10) Question: What is the perfect christmas gift for these three people: Stephen King, Jesus, Freddie Kruger? Why?
9) Question: More Christmas!
8) Question: Figgy pudding or Christmas cake?
7) Question: Underrated Christmas ornaments?
6) Question: Why do we put a star on top of our Christmas Tree?
5) Question: What REALLY happened on the journey of the three Magi?
4) Question: What are some of your favorite scenes from Christmas Specials/Movies?
3) Question: What are your favorite Christmas carols?
2) Question: Don't think you've ever done best Christmas movies? Have you?
1) Question: Merry Christmas Keith! Can you write a poem with the last line being "on top of the artichoke jar"? Thank you, happy holidays.

Short Answer: Here's a longer one about the Christianity in Christmas thing: Question: Does the celebration of Christmas amongst secularists promote mindless conformity or the celebration of humanity?   And one more for good measure: Question: How would you sabotage Santa's operation?

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Question: Where are all the Christmas themed posts?

Errr, perhaps you don't quite get how this works. I'm thinking you probably didn't even expect me to answer this question on blog. But I am. Because that is how it works.

I can't make people ask me about Christmas. Well, I suppose I could. A little step-neck can get you anywhere, but I don't want to be hurting people during the holidays. So let's assume violence is out of the picture, and assume that I'm too lazy for more involving coercive methods.

I answers what I gets asked.

Maybe people don't need to read about Christmas. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.

Trim up the tree with weezle fluz, and flogger doops and geezle guzz!

Short Answer: Merry Christmas, Dr. Seuss.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Question: I want to laugh. You are funny. Let's make this happen!

Well now I'm fuckin' boned.

You can't tell someone they're funny and then expect them to be funny. That's like telling a room full of people that someone has a monstrous dick. Then, when the guy pulls down his pants, if it's not like the forearm of a steroid user, everyone is going to be disappointed.

There should be some sort of scientific formula to describe this. If a person is told they're about to experience something funny, it floods the brain with 'you don't know me' chemicals, and turns off the fun receptors. I guess that's pretty scientific. You're welcome.

Does a ghost keep touching my friggin' glasses? Jesus!

Okay, I'm back. My glasses keep getting smudged.

I don't remember what I was saying. Oh yea. Floppy bum salad!

See what I did there? I distracted your brain, giving you the opportunity to laugh at some floppy bum salad.

Though there really is something wrong with my glasses. It's like the ghost of a CSI is trying to get fingerprints off my lenses. There wasn't even a crime on my face, ghost!

Oh very funny. He just said, 'The crime is your face.' I should never have moved into a house with so many hilarious murders.

Short Answer: I think that went okay. I should have some sort of message on here that says you have to spend ten minutes of 'warm-up' time on the internet before coming to my blog. Nothing tougher than a cold crowd.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Question: What did you think of the Hobbit?

Overall, I liked the series. It was nice - at least at first - to go back to Peter Jackson's wonderfully engaging world.

But if you're talking specifically about the Battle of the Five Armies, I was somewhat disappointed. Let me illustrate in the words of my wife:

"It was overly dramatic and overwrought."

Or something like that. I hardly listen. I did find that the final Hobbit movie was the worst of our entire adventure in Middle Earth. But without a second viewing, I'm not sure I could put my finger on exactly why.

I didn't care about the newly introduced material. I don't care if an elf loves, shags or murders a dwarf. I don't care about a forced setup for Sauron, the payoff of which was terribly underwhelming. And there were a few other problems. Thorin losing his shit then just basically deciding to stop losing his shit, as opposed to taking someone's fucking advice. The dwarves somehow swinging the tide of war even though there's only nine or ten of them.

I actually had a lot of issues with the 'cool stuff'. Like, in the other movies, the cool stuff would be, you know, cool. In this...the elves leaping over the dwarves? Way to negate their formation. Just shoot a bunch of fucking arrows into the onrushing orcs if you want to participate. You're elves for fuck sake!

Whatever. I could nitpick. I won't. I liked the singular fights toward the end, even if Legolas had to steer a fucking cave troll to get to them. (Boo.) The end felt too small and I didn't feel any of the emotion or depth that I had for the LOTR trilogy.

Fuck that frame rate shit, by the way. I don't want to see the way the human eye sees. I want to see a fucking movie. Looked like a goddamn British mini-series. And I don't know about you folks, but to me the excessive CGI is even more blatant in the higher frame rate. By the end, I got pretty tired of seeing a hundred dwarves or elves in a row, all with the same face, all programmed to move as one and make me thing I wasn't watching a damn movie anymore.

Okay, I'm done.

Short Answer: I'm more of a Silmarillion guy anyway.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Question: What does Sir Lancelot like on his toast?

Covet butter?
Adulterer jam?
Margarinal ethics?
Marmalade with someone else's wife?
Beans, like Guinevere's, which he flicked?
Ham and cheese and lack of honor?

C'mon, Lancelot! What the fuck were you thinking? It's all played off as acceptable, a love triangle. Bullshit! Lancelot horned in on Arthur's missus and there's no two ways about it. You think she would've strayed otherwise? Hells no! Arthur was the man! You had to come along with your dashing good looks and your shorter balls and your fighting prowess and your horse-clenching thighs and your...

Never mind. I get it.

Short Answer: What else goes on toast? I had a hard time even coming up with a few. I think toast is dumb. Toast is just the outside parts of a good sandwich.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Question: Nog?

Megnog - nog for when you're watching Family Guy
Segwaynog - nog that helps you get from one premise to another
Begnog - nog for homeless people
Ednog - nog for horses that talk
Bednogs and Broomsticksnog - Angela Lansbury's Own Eggnog
Smegnog - nog made from the gack around your wiener
Cognog - nog with cognac, also unpronounceable
Wizard of Nog - nog with green food coloring. See also: Green Nog and Ham Nog
Pegnog - nog with rum. For pirates
Velvet Nog - nog that helps you sing better
London Nog - thick ass nog
The Noggit - nog you drink while being disappointed by a movie franchise
Bad nog! or Who's a good nog? - nog that smells like wet fur
Flognog - nog when you've already had too much nog
Kegnog - nog that to drink you have to stand on your head until your shirt slides down and exposes your sportsbra
Nogle - what happens when a woman walks by in noga pants.
Legnog - nog that drips down your leg

Short Answer: Yea, nog.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Question: What was the best invention of all time?

That's the answer to the March 30, 2011 question: What is the best thing since sliced bread?

I think it holds up. It may be my earlier work, but it's still solid. Well, I guess my earlier work is the first time I jerked off. It was outside in a park by accident. I kid you not. I'm a grower, not a shower, and there was about to be a nudity situation, so I tried to 'work some size' into my unimpressive limp wang. I 'worked too hard' and 'creamed the shrubbery'.

Hmmm. That story didn't have much to do with the question. Or a joke about my early work. Though I did use the word work a lot in the paragraph.

I think we'll let it slide.

Short Answer: My penis is like the Hulk. Mild-mannered, intelligent, underwhelming. Then...bigger.

Note: Maybe masturbation is the best invention of all time. Full circle, baby.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Question: Assuming reincarnation is fact... who would you like to believe you were in a previous life?

There's no doubt in my mind that in a previous life I was a very attractive female prostitute.

I get itchy easily.
I love the cock.
I thing frilly things are nice.
I'm unnecessarily flexible in the taint-al region.
I have nightmares about people not paying me for things.
I enjoy imagining how a dress will look on me.
I overeat (to compensate for a former life of only ball lunches).
I constantly think I have syphilis.
I enjoy shopping for brassieres.
My penis is a bit of an inny.
I want to be naked a lot.
I like to smell pretty.

Short Answer: Not only was I a sexy woman in my past life, I think I'm going to be a sexy woman in my next life. I'm constantly jealous of beautiful women and think it only fair that I'll get to be one. Wasn't much of a joke in this short answer...wonder if I'm telling the truth?

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Question: What do you think of the commercial aspects of Christmas?

I like the Coke polar bears.

Oh, right. Commercial. I get it.

I like giving presents and I like receiving presents. I don't know that anyone likes the stress associated with shopping, though.

My family always spent a lot of money on Christmas, so that was bound to carry over to me. My mom would do an excellent job each and ever year getting me what I wanted, and surprising me with at least one thing that I didn't think they could afford.

The backlash is that I want to be a great present giver. And I'm not. I want people to be full of joy when they open my presents, but I'm not good at figuring out what those presents need to be. Sometimes I do okay, and other times I get totally mangled by the stress of figuring out what to buy and how much to spend and what's fair between siblings and all that white Christmas noise.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that the holiday would be a lot less stressful for me if I didn't have to buy any presents. But then people wouldn't get presents, and that sucks balls. Each year I try harder and harder to not let the stress bother me. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe not.

Giving shit to people may be stressful, but the payoff is pretty fucking good. Bit like a drug, maybe. You pay the price, but then you get to fly.

Short Answer: Listen up, kiddies. Neither buying presents nor drugs actually make you fly. Get down from there.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Question: What do you think of Bronies?

I don't know all that much about this. Some dudes like My Little Pony a lot. Like, a lot.

I have a problem with extremism of fanaticism or fundamentalism in any of its putrid guises. If you love something so much that your whole personality revolves around it, you're probably on a slippery slope to loneliness, dandruff and ax-murdering.

What bothers me about the brony thing is that I'm the kind of guy who likes to be honest about the stupid shit he likes. But I can't say I like the care bears, because people will either a) think I'm like a brony or b) think I'm trying to be cool like one. That really takes the funshine out of it.

Just for the record, I haven't seen the movie about this. But I doubt all the people are well-adjusted young men. I've seen people who are super into stuff. They're terrifying. I don't see how the fact that the thing they're obsessed with is a little girl's toy could make it any less so.

Short Answer: Whatever makes you happy. Just, maybe don't keep your ax too sharp, pal.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Question: How do you like it the Christmas?

Foreign language question?

Me like it the Christmas good times, yea. Me like it up and all over when it is at. Happy times for Christmas all and presents me and them.

Now in case it was just a typo:

I fucking love Christmas. I like it the way a man who just got out of prison likes the first prostitute he comes across. I like it the way a fat kid likes a fistful of mac and cheese. I like it the way nuclear disarmament likes Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. I like it the way Iron Man likes central air in his armor. I like it the way globes like to think they're relevant.

Then don't be brown sometimes, globes!

Short Answer: I only know one other person who likes Christmas as much as I do, and they are 1/16th reindeer.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Question: Where will you be and what will you be doing 5 years from now?

I don't know where I'll be. That's pretty specific. I could be in a bathroom, wondering why that one eyebrow hair always grows faster than the others. Then location won't be all that relevant anyway, now, will it asshole?

What will I be doing? Hopefully kicking the balls. Hopefully dropping panties. Don't see why that would change.

If you're trying to inquire about my aspirations, to get me to wax hypothetical in terms of where I see myself, it's not really my style. Or maybe to put it more simply, I'm not very good at it.

For example, I can see myself sitting on a throne made of the gold-plated bones of my enemies. (I plated them in gold. My enemies don't have gold-plated bones. It's not some Rockefeller Weapon-X jobby going on.)

But I can also see myself in a loony bin, wondering why the windows are made of hard air.

I'd like to be happy. I'd like to be in a place that isn't covered in spiders or lava. And I'd like my wife to be there with very little shirts on. Beyond that...gravy.

Short Answer: I'd like a talking dog, please.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Question: How's that ding-a-ling?

I hope I don't get in trouble for assuming this question is about my penis.


Pretty good. It's been a rough time for the little guy ever since the internet started spewing out celebrity nudes like coins from a slot machine jackpot. I've had to employ some new lotions and creative grips to avoid too much chafing.

Here are my latest creations, grip wise.

The lobster claw.
The half-eaten lobster claw.
The backwards wine pour.
Reverse cow thumb.
The stationary Bishop.
The up-skirt.
Strangers on a train.
Here's the church, here's the steeple...ejaculate.
Two for the road, one bird in the bush.
The heil penis.
The shake, shake it off.
Fries with that.
The unique New York.
Who's on second? The middle finger.
Lofty balls.
The scent maker.

You get the picture. Luckily, the penis doesn't have a bone, so you can't wear it down to the bone.

Short Answer: I sure hope this question wasn't about something else.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Question: Should BC legalize weed?

Yes. Tax revenue = more/better social programs.

Downside? You don't have to go talk to Filthy Manny to get your drugs. Or pretend you have insomnia at a dispensary. Like they give a shit. It's practically legal anyway.

Short Answer: Let's do this thing. My local rec center is a piece of shit. Daddy needs a swimming pool paid for by ganj.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Question: What did you remember on remembrance day?

That was a month ago. I don't remember.

Seriously, this question just came in this morning. This wasn't tucked behind my new socks in the top drawer with my old socks so I only dug it out because I needed my dress socks for a special occasion. This morning.

I have no clue what I did, thought, ate, pooped or peed on Novembrance day. (I'm assuming I pooped poop and peed pee but you never can be sure.)

Last night I had a dream where there was a new trade out called Batman and Robin Peeking Through Windows. What the hell is that all about?

Short Answer: I know In Flanders Fields by heart, so I can do whatever I want on that day.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Question: Member those googly things where you went to google and looked up funny stuff? Can you do that again?

If I had a million dollars...#2...I'd buy a damn brewery.
Sasquatches smell like...#1...sasquatch's nuts.
Ask me where...#4...the ballers at.
Indubitably my...#1...canine friend.
If your thumb is...#2...not a finger what is it?
Three blind mice and...#4...farmer's wife costume.
Global warming is...#4...real. #1...fake.
Scientology has...#3...a navy.
White cop...#1...kills black kid.
Black cop...#1...shoots white man.
Asian game.
Jewish cop...#2...jokes.
Ebola is...#1...airborne.
Ebola is not...#2...airborne.
If a football player punches...#2...woman.
If a woman is...#1...on top.
A woman's place the home. the house and the senate.
Equality is...#1...a false god.
Racism is...#1...alive and well.
Prejudice cannot...#2...survive proximity.
Clowns have...#4...afros. #3...feelings. #2...never laughed before. #1...murderous ways.
Canadians are...#1...weird.
Canada is...#1...the best.
Love will...#2...keep us alive. #1...tear us apart.
Is it a...#3...good idea to microwave this?
If hockey...#2...players were bald.
If football...#2...players were atheist.
How many times...#1...a day should I poop?

Short Answer: That's enough...#1...internet for today. #2...out of you!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Question: What are some good ways to change the minds of those who deny Climate Change?

This isn't funny. It makes me angry. I shouldn't have to come up with a bunch of jokes about this. Because the evidence is absolutely overwhelming. The funniest thing would be to list all of the actual, proven ways that this is happening.

I'm not going to do that. We're so far past the point of someone having to do that.

Greedy fuckers are making it hard to have humanity.

Short Answer: Boob, farts, poop. Weeeeee!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Question: If you had to take a stab at it, what's the problem with the Edmonton Oilers?

Let's drop the fa├žade that I know everything for a moment. Because if I pretend to know the answer to this, they might just try to hire me. And I don't want to work for that organization.

The answer is I don't have a fucking clue. I mean, how many incredible draft picks does one team need to turn their shit around?

I thought David Perron was a really good signing for them last year, and now there are rumours that they're going to move him. Fuck that. They're going to have to move some of their core because obviously they're lacking something. Leadership, I guess, but I don't know what the fuck that even means. Maybe don't bring Andrew Ference in to be your captain? Captain 'give the fingers to the fans'? Not smart.

I sure as fuck didn't like them bringing Mactavish back. I don't know what his record is, but I don't equate him with much success since he's stopped being on the ice. It seems like they need to stop using alumni and get some people who know the game from a behind-the-scenes perspective. People who can add some veteran leadership and allow for the possibility of some chemistry, and a few habits to form like hard work and pride in your results.

What's weird is that it doesn't feel like they drafted poorly. Is it all just bad luck? That the guys they got, though talented, are not the right guys to lead a team into victory? Unless you're in the room, you can't know.

Short Answer: If I had the answer to this question, I'd be the only one, and I'd be getting paid a lot better. Maybe it is just bad luck. I thought Scrivens was going to work out after how good he was in LA. I thought finally moving Hemsky and Gagner were good ideas. Shit, maybe they need to get Chris Pronger back. That feels like the last time the Oilers had an identity.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Question: What are the top ten animals you would domesticate if you could?

That's the time I wrote about domesticating a yeti. I put that in as a bonus, because this next link:

is the time in 2011 that I first answered this exact question (without the top ten part). So instead of just posting that and trying to add to it, I figured I'd give you a little yeti on top.

Short Answer: Repeat questions are becoming an issue. I wonder at what point I'll have to just start pretending I've never answered them and go in fresh? Gross.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Question: Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange?


This has been rumoured for some time now. I remember seeing Cumberbatch on the red carpet at the American Fake Movie Awards or whatever they're called and the guy interviewing him tried to press this. Cumberbatch told him to 'check his facts' which I thought was amusing.

By the way, interviewing stars on the red carpet is the worst job in the world. There's literally no way to not end up not looking like a complete doucher. You ask a stupid question, don't understand the star's answer, compliment their outfit then sorta cut them off because you need to move on to Angelina Jolie. It's brutal.

Yea, Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Hard to deny this one. It's a great idea, a great casting. Cumberbatch is hot as white shit right now, so that's not gonna hurt the product. And Dr. Strange had to be someone different, someone interesting. We couldn't just have a lantern-jawed hero with sexy eyes and muscles. We needed someone with nuance.

I down.

Short Answer: 'Cumberbitches' as Benedict Cumberbatch's fan club is still hilarious to me. He said on a talk show once that they were going to change it. And I thought both 'slumberbatches' and 'cumbersluts' were equally good alternatives.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Question: I see that you've chosen the spyglass...?

I pictured a dude not asking a question, then pausing and asking the question with his face. Like he gets super intense and squeezes all his features together to imply a question mark.

Is there a table of spy implements? Or is it just a bunch of random stuff? Did I choose the spyglass because I wanted to magnify something?

Wait? What's a spy glass? I've been picturing a magnifying glass, but that's not right, is it? Is it like a teeny-tiny telescope?

There. Rather than answer your question I've asked you seven questions in return. Are any of mine any easier to answer? (8) Do my questions at least make some sense? (9)

I have no idea what to do with this. I'm not much for spying. Unless there's the possibility of seeing someone naked. Then I'm in.

Short Answer: Maybe I chose the spyglass because I knew you thought I would. Ah-ha! Is that right? (10)

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Question: They got all those people for Suicide Squad?

Suicide Squad is a DC superhero team, if you're not in the know. There's going to be a movie and there were all these casting rumors about who would be involved. Like many other people, I thought they were being rather ambitious, but it turns out, they got everyone.

So my response is, I know, right? Will Smith, Tom Hardy, Jared Leto plus up and comers Jai Courtney and Margot Robbie. And they're going after Oprah, but I'll believe that casting when I see it.

This feels like a blatant response to the success of Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, because the Suicide Squad are bad guys getting together to theoretically do good. Whether that means it will flop or not, I cannot say. I don't care what the reason is, so long as they're casting great talent, writing a great script, and treating the source material with the amount of respect necessary to make it fly on screen.

Jared Leto as the Joker is strange, not because of the casting, but because he's in the movie at all and he's not traditionally part of the Squad. Some think he's the really bad Bad in the movie, others think it's a tie in to some other Batman related thing. Batman and the Joker? What will they think of next?

Short Answer: Hard not to get excited. They're following the Marvel model of casting the shit out of it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Question: How many yoga poses are good for your testicles?

In some peripheral or perhaps holistic way, I supposed one could theorise that because yoga is good for your body, every yoga pose is therefore good for your testicles. Despite being on the outside, they're still part of the body, and interact with you in terms of heat exchange and blood flow.

Now as for what particular poses are good for the testicles, that's a harder question to answer. You see I've never done much yoga, and I don't know the names of the poses. But when I see pictures of yoga poses (or watch naked girls doing the yoga on internets) I automatically give them my own names, none of which are all that conducive to the concept that they're good on the old scrote.

Yoga poses I've named:

The Ball Tearer
The Balls On A Stretcher Stretch
The Ball Flattener
The Ball Squisher
The Ball Squisher 2: Squished By Your Own Thighs
The Ball Renderer
The Back Breaker Ball Popper Outer
All Balls On Deck
All Balls On Deck 2: Deck the Balls
The Ball Render
The Ball Squealer
Balls, Balls Everywhere, so Let's All Wear Tight Pants
One O'clock, Two O'clock, Three O'clock Balls
Fitting All Those Balls in a Suitcase for a Mouse
Move to the Side, Dong, It's Balls to the Front
Snap, Crackle, Hospital Balls

Short Answer: Zero.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Question: What kind of frying pan should I use?

For cooking an omelette? Non-stick.
For cooking paella? Cast iron.
For cooking stir-fry? Wok.
For emptying your bladder? Wok.
For hitting an intruder? Wok, as in the sound it makes when you hit him with a frying pan.
For listening to Aerosmith Rocks, the best Aerosmith cover band in the world? Wok This Way.
For hearing people do lousy impressions? Christopher Woken.
For Christmas carols? Wokking in a Winter Wonderland.
For getting home in the morning with ripped panties and penis breath? Wok of shame.
For making dinner for Fozzy Bear? Wokka, wokka, wokka.
For Hamburger Helper? A flat-bottomed frying pan with a lot of surface area and high sides, preferably with a lid.

Short Answer: If you're just frying baloney, you can use anything.