Sunday, November 30, 2014

Question: If Sundays wore a mighty hat, what might it look like?

I guess the obvious answer is a beer dispensing fire hat that has a monkey's ass on the top and a duck bill.


But who wants obvious answers, am I right?


Short Answer: Get it? Good. I've got some nothing to do, so I gotta go.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Question: What are the tactical/strategic implications of a cross-guard on a lightsaber...that is made of tiny lightsabers?

I was totally expecting a question like this.


I haven't checked the interwebs, but I assume there's a huge split on this between people who think it's cool and people who think it's dumb.


Instead of representing all sides, I'll just get into my own feelings.


It feels a little gimmicky, like, we need some new shit. That I will admit. I wasn't super stoked when I saw it. But then, my brain kicked in, and I went, "Fuck yeah. Why the fuck wouldn't you have a hand guard?"


If you look back to the first fight, Obi-Wan and Darth Vader, the way they're feeling each other out is very much like a fight between two swords without hand guards. They're poking, prodding, reaching for binds (when you control another persons sword with angular moves and attacks) and all in all being slick. You could totally imagine that fight ending in one of them extending and searing off a finger, forcing the other guy to drop his sword.


This is in great contrast to the way the Jedis fight in the prequels, where they basically fight like they're wielding Japanese swords, which makes little to no sense. In addition, and on point, Japanese long swords have hand guards.


So when I saw this (hopefully Adam Driver) dark-dressed dude bust out a crucifix-lookin' lightsaber, I thought of it as a sword. Like the realization of a light sword that you'd actually put two hands on, and fight like you were using a more European-style long sword.


As for the question, sadly, I think there is a design flaw in what we've been shown. If the little lightsaber-y hand guards protrude from little ports as it appears, then they won't really work all that well. A lightsaber would cut through this metal protrustion, defeating their purpose. But if we suspend our disbelief a little, I think the sword might work with the character, and the hand guards might be symbolically cool based on how he fights and carries himself.


Strategically, I would've rather seen a tilted hand guard, either toward the hilt or toward the blade. I think the straight cross guard is more of a Christian thing, and has no place in the Star Wars universe. A guard that was tilted down would protect the hand, and a guard that was tilted up could catch other light sabres with more efficacy. Sadly, I think the whole thing is just an esthetic.


Short Answer: A slight downward tilt and the adjustment that the guard comes out of holes, not protruding ports, and we would've had something stunning.


Note: I know a fuck-ton about swords, but I tried to keep this simple. Hope no one was disappointed. It just didn't seem appropriate to nerd out about something when we're talking about Star Wars. Oh, wait...

Friday, November 28, 2014

Question: What would you like to see in the new Star Wars movie?

Maybe I should start with what I don't want to see.


Funky space rabbit.
Seventies Yoda.
Fish being eaten by ever larger fish, rather than characters overcoming challenges.
Light saber fighting with backflips and tumbling.
Trade federations from Mongolia.
Any version of Darth Vader without his helmet.
Scenes that weren't in the original.


What would I like to see?


Gold bikinis.
Han Solo.
Jedis.


What would I like to see that isn't obvious?


I'd like to see a good bad guy. Hasn't been one in some time. I think the Emperor might have been a Muppet in the last one.
I want to see Adam Driver being awesome, though I guess it's kinda obvious that we want actors who were cast in the movie to do well.
I'd like to see a good story, one that takes me into the world so that I don't have to keep comparing things I'm seeing to things I hate.
I want the Force to be awesome and mysterious again. I guess that's obvious, too. Unless you're a...medichlorian? I refuse to look up the actual word.
I want a lineage of rebellion, with strong political undertones, to fuel the actions of the main characters. And I want an oppressive, frightening empirical counterpoint.


Short Answer: That'll do for now. Nerf herders.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Question: What is your dream proposition?

I guess there are a few ways to take this.


My instinct is that you're asking what I would like to hear from someone who was propositioning me, as opposed to what piece of legislature I would like to see put up for vote.


I guess my dream proposition would be any sexual proposition, because having someone walk up to you and offer you money for sex is a fairly large affirmation of your sexual aura.


But if we were to get specific, I suppose any situation where someone asked me and my wife to participate in sex stuff with one to a bunch of other beautiful ladies, that would be cool. Even if it was just a bunch of ladies oohing and ahhing at my prowess as I boned away at my wife, that'd be pretty nice.


I feel like I'm not answering this question thoroughly enough. Like I'm just giving it the tip.


Let's get more specific.


I guess I would like for every girl I ever wanted to see naked to be naked in a room, and for me to be able to do horrible things to them, while my wife cheers me on like I'm finally achieving a lifelong goal. (It's important that she's in on the whole thing, or the guilt will keep me from achieving dynamic tension in my hole-rod.)


So if someone was like, "Hey man, that?" I'd be like, "Sure enough."


Short Answer: I'm too lazy to imagine my past well enough to ejaculate to it, so having visual representation of all those wonderful fulfilled or unfulfilled memories and desires would be helpful. I mean, who doesn't want to fuck the one that got away? Or pour maple syrup across the backside of that waitress from the diner with the big lips while the one that got away does jumping jacks in a crotchless clown outfit. Gotta go.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Question: What TV shows should we all be watching right now?

This question leads me toward shows that are currently airing, which is too bad, because I really wanted to talk about Hart to Hart. Whatever, blog.


Should is a strong word. I'm watching a lot of shows currently that are definitely not 'shoulds' yet. Shows need to take time to develop, and I'm just not sure about some of them.


First of all, you should probably be getting your fill of Craig Ferguson, David Letterman and Stephen Colbert before the big late night mix up happens. Secondably, you should be watching Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, but Bill Maher is on holiday until the new year. Does that count as a current show? I think it will, so I can talk of other shows that are on the air - as in un-cancelled - but aren't playing right at the moment.


Like fucking Game of Thrones! If you're not watching Game of Thrones, fuck you. Seriously. How are you not watching Game of Thrones? Everybody on the planet is talking about Game of Thrones. You should be talking about Game of Thrones, because you've begun to watch Game of Thrones.


Game of Thrones.


Another one of these not on the air just at the moment shows is True Detective. It's brilliant and tasteful and ambitious and cozy and challenging and fun. Get on that.


Hannibal. Best network show I've seen in some time. I don't know if you should be watching the Blacklist, but if you're a James Spader fan then definitely. I think the show suffers slightly from 'monster a week gotta do 24 episodes' fever, but it's still pretty solid.


New Girl and Brooklyn 99 are your comedies. South Park of course, as well as Key and Peele and Tosh.0 for those who like a little stank on their commentary.


You should be watching Ray Donovan. And this new show called The Affair which is totally blowing my hair back right now. It's the story of a marital affair told from the points of view of both participants. Each episode is split into two half-hours and the segments cover the same time frame, so you get to see how the dude remembers it, and how the lady remembers it. There's also an overlying murder mystery to keep the sauce hot.


Add to this any current Netflix or HBO shows that are in the off-season and you've got a pretty solid list. Looking at you, House of Cards.


Short Answer: I should be watching English Premier League Review, which used to be my very favorite TV show, then they stopped airing it here. It seems like all soccer coverage has evaporated from sports networks in Canada. I like hockey as much as the next massive hip-checker, but do we have to have only hockey?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Question: Can you help solve cold fusion?

The butler did it.


Anyone who is this much of a dick is never going to help the world in any significant manner.


Short Answer: Point made?



Monday, November 24, 2014

Question: What are your top ten night club rejection lines?

10) I'd rather buy food on eBay.
9) No thanks. My pussy is much too clean for you.
8) I'm here with a friend. A friend who likes to murder assholes.
7) I already have a drink. But can I buy you some balls?
6) I'd rather eat a hair sandwich.
5) I did just fall from heaven. I've got bad news for you.
4) Thanks. You look good too, for a stroke victim.
3) I'm sorry, what kind of thing are you?
2) Maybe when I've gotten fat from popping out a couple of kids.
1) I'd rather get anal from a prop comic.


Short Answer: Fuck off is pretty solid.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Question: I don't suppose you'd like to make love to me?

Hmmm...


Making love. Is that that thing where you look into someone's eyes while you're knuckle-diving? Where you snuggle while searching for crevice gravy?
That thing where you pretend not to be disgusted when you're giving the old three-pronged attack?
Where you smile rather than grunt while you're applying constant pressure to the wound?


Doesn't sound like my bag of tea.


Short Answer: Because if you didn't like the tea, you wouldn't bother to make it into liquid form and put it into a cup. You'd state your preference about the tea at the bag stage.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Question: Why are you so mean to our mothers?

Your mothers don't see it that way. They like it when I'm eating cold cuts off their greasy chests.


It's not my fault that your dads don't know where the dipstick goes, or how far it needs to go to really check how low your mother's oil is. The answer is far and super low.


An undersexed woman can be a very appreciative lover. Who am I to pass up that opportunity just because she let slip your fat head one day a million years ago? You think your head is so big and full of thoughts and ideas that you've ruined her front-dumper forever? You think she still doesn't like being spread wide like a deep sea oil spill?


I seem to have oil on the brain today. You know why? Because when I finish with your mothers, they look like ducks who've been covered in oil spill filth. When I'm done, the hippies show up in your parents' bedrooms with crates of Dawn dish liquid.


That got a little dark. Like that time your mother went on vacation to Jamaica and your dad got sunstroke on the first day and so she went out and 'got a little dark' if you know what I'm saying.


What you should really be concerned about when I'm having sex to your mothers is not the act itself. It's what I'm thinking about. That's right. I'm thinking about you!


Short Answer: Let me clear something up. You mom likes it when I do sex inside her. It's no big deal. It's just that, well, I'm kinda your new dad. But you come to me for advice anyway, so what's the problem?

Friday, November 21, 2014

Question: Z: Zionist foreskin, rarest foreskin of them all?

Today I right a wrong.


I was going back through the comments on blog today, and found this question. It was posted in April of last year. I've been through the comments since then, and have no idea how I missed this question. But somehow, I did.


I kid you not when I say that I have answered every single question ever asked of me on askkeithanything. So this is as inexcusable as a dry-sounding fart with a wet-ended surprise. This question went unnoticed. Either that or I answered it and can't remember. But I've found no trace of an answer, so whatever the crime, the punishment is the same. I must now answer this question, this year-and-a-half-old question, and hope that the asker will forgive me my sin.


Yes.


Short Answer: I feel a lot better.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Question: Why does soft core porn exist?

This reminds me a little of a question I've been forced to ponder my entire life.


People love coffee. They can't get enough of that shit. They make terrible jokes about how they can't do anything else in the morning (even though an apple or a glass of water is just as, if not more, effective at waking you up), they make t-shirts and mugs about it, and in general make their lives, personalities and identities entirely about how much they want the black stuff. (Insert some sort of 'that's what she said' joke here if you must.)


I also love coffee, but I can't have caffeine. Yet I'm not allowed in the I Love Coffee tribe, because for some reason, the love of coffee is inextricably linked with the idea that a person can't function without a stimulant. So even though I actually like the taste of coffee, and that is in fact the number one area of enjoyment for me, I'm faced with this question: Why does decaf even exist?


I feel that I'm uniquely qualified to now spin this mini conversation about the hot black, business back into the realm of fuckery. Because I don't watch much hard-core porn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a human. And humans get a kick out of seeing two people make pelvic sandwiches; I'm not immune. But I prefer classier shtick.


To clarify, I don't prefer soft-core over hard-core, I actually prefer no sex to any simulated sex. And yes, even hard-core pornography is simulated sex. Bitches don't say yea that much, and dudes aren't that hideous. And in regular sex, there isn't that much spitting, slapping or stank-face. But because I'm not dying to witness penetration, I can see the value of soft-core. It's like a moving picture of a beautiful woman, who happens to be in the throes of some sort of romantic entanglement. I like that. Plus, you're guaranteed some boobs, and boobs last time I checked are still boobs.


Sadly, soft-core exists to fill a stupid little area where penetration isn't allowed. (Like your wife's bumhole.) And that's why it angers people. They go, "Aargh, why can't I see the penis go in the vagina?" Well, friend, let me remind you, eighty percent of the internet is just a click away. So maybe don't blow a gasket over skinemax.


Short Answer: One thing that is not okay is the simulated blowjob. Who in their right mind wants to see a dude making that face while you look at the back of a woman's head move around weird? Soft-core intercourse can still be hot. Soft-core BJs are like watching someone eat a stale churro out of an angry janitor's pants during the late-night cleaning shift at Disneyland.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Question: Hack at a tree, tree goes womp, do you do you?

9
1
1


(ring-ring)


Operator: Hello. You've reached Internet 911. What is the nature of your emergency?
Me: Someone asked me a fucked up question.
Operator: And are you being forced to answer it? Perhaps by some elaborate setup or stupid premise?
Me: Yes. I have a blog where I answer people's questions.
Operator: Anything like AskKeithAnything?
Me: Yea, that's me.
Operator: Oh! I'm a big fan.
Me: Thanks.
Operator: Have you tried responding with some sort of cat video?
Me: Didn't work.
Operator: What about a GIF of a woman slowly pulling up her top to release large bouncy breasts?
Me: I guess I could, but I'm really supposed to use words.
Operator: What about an emoji? Something calming like a teddy bear in a bowler hat?
Me: All I've got is a toilet paper roll in a bad wig.
Operator: Okay, sir? Calm down. I want you to listen. Do not respond with a toilet paper roll emoji.
Me: Okay. I'm calm. I won't.
Operator: No bad wigs, sir.
Me: Yes, okay. I won't. What should I do?
Operator: Have you tried being a smarmy asshole, sir? That usually works for you.
Me: Hey! I thought you were a fan.
Operator: I'm trained to say things to keep you calm, sir. My son reads your blog. He likes poop jokes.
Me: Tell him thanks for reading.
Operator: Okay, sir? Here's what we're going to do. I want you to stay on the line.
Me: Oh, god. I think the internet is getting impatient...
Operator: Sir? Listen to me. Listen to my voice .You're going to stay on the line. We've got a bureaucratically generated response coming.
Me: Will that work?
Operator: Yes, sir. It's worded in a very boring fashion and has a typo per line ratio, and there are no blinking lights or graphics at all. Most people just move on to something else.
Me: Okay, okay. Send it.


Short Answer: Due to a problem with our ability too confirm this communication, the apparatus by which all manner of qeustions are answered will be unavailable for a short time. We do appreciate you business and apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Thank you for your interest in AskKeithAnything. Good day.



Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Question: Nuke the Fridge or Jump the Shark?

I guess this is really a question of generations.


For those not in the know, in the fifth season premier of the beloved TV show Happy Days, Fonzie straps on some water-skis and jumps over a shark. This was touted soon after as an attempt to keep the dying show afloat by introducing some craziness. The term 'jump the shark' grew to mean that a show had run out of ideas, and were now willing to try anything. Moving forward, the term has evolved to mean pretty much anything that's past its prime and now and forever in decline.


Nuke the fridge came along with the Indiana Jones movie a few years back. In Crystal Skull - or whatever the full title is - Harrison Ford and his hat get stuck on a nuclear test site in Nevada or something, and he gets inside a fridge, surviving the blast. This was so absurd - and coupled with the fact that most thought the movie a poo mess - that 'nuke the fridge' was born as a modern alternative to 'jump the shark'.


It's funny to think that whoever asked this question knows all of this, and I've just given him/her the most boring answer ever so far.


Now some claim that 'nuke the fridge' is supposed to specifically refer to movies, and even more specifically to sequels that get tacked on to a franchise that drag the original property into the muck. But I think the terms will soon be interchangeable, if they aren't already.


I'm personally a big fan of both idioms, if idioms they by. I don't use them often, but I'm often entertained by their usage when others usage them. (? - Got caught in a usage loop or something there.)


I think jump the shark is so awesome it will never die, and I would be delighted if they ended up specifically referring to their own medium as their evolutions proceed. It's good to have specific pop culture phrases for specific mediums. Specific. (?- Apparently I only know seven fucking words this morning.)


Short Answer: Specific Usage.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Question: Are you a sack half full kind of guy, or sack half empty?

Hey! I don't know what someone's been telling you, man, but my sack is all the way full. That's some bullshit, and it's not true. I do not have half a sack! Just because my testicles only add up in weight to what one male testicle on averages weighs, doesn't mean that I've fit my halfers into an oversized bag. My nutsack is not a big flappy old man neck! It is tight! It is unfairly small, and it is tight to my sheepish, miniscule nuts!


Therefore...


Short Answer: Sack completely full.


Note: Oh yea. The 'point' of the question. No, I'm a pretty positive dude. You can tell because I've come to terms with having baby nuts.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Question: It's time, it's time...it's poetry time!!!

Wow. Thanks for being 'three exclamation points' excited about poetry.


A blade of grass cuts wide the sun
and beneath all creatures boil and run
and deeper still the knives go down
beneath the crust, the jagged crown
and in the soil of deepest drone
there rests a tired root alone
that once connected to a tree
than once felt love of family
and now it rots and rests until
a man turns up the earthen hill
and burns its body on the pyre
for sacrificial greying fire
and warms the hands
and dances eyes
and heals the man
and tames his cries


Short Answer: I don't know what to call this one...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Question: Wanna go for a walk with me?

This sounds like the title of a horror movie from the seventies. I'm guessing at some point during this walk I'll be attacked, and then I'll have to flee my attacker. I'll probably be injured and forced to limp, my mascara running, sobbing all the while. And when I knock on peoples' doors they'll peek out through their curtains briefly before turning off their lights as if they're not at home like Jehovah's Witnesses on Halloween when the kiddies come 'round.


Eventually there'll be a standoff and I'll somehow find the strength to defeat my attacker, maybe with something primitive like a stick to the head. Instead of making sure that my attacker is dead, I'll leave, thinking the whole ordeal is at an end. My attacker, of course, is not dead, and just as I'm crossing the parking lot to the well-lit diner, where I can see there are people eating pie, drinking coffee and living normal, not-being-attacked lives, he'll reappear, cutting me with a knife only peripherally rather than finishing me off.


Now I've had enough. I mount my attacker and bash his brains in with the nearest thing to hand, most likely a rock from the parking lot. I'll bellow and cry as I rain blows down upon my attacker until his head is pulp. The movie will end with the people from the diner coming out to see what the ruckus is. Too little, too late, society. I've already lost my humanity.


Short Answer: What time's good for you?

Friday, November 14, 2014

Question: Do you wanna...?

Smack a goiter? Yes.
Elevate the smell of farts to appropriate status at the dinner table? Yes.
Argue that dogs do laugh? Yes.
Make a wicker hammock? Yes.
Conjugate wordlers unnecessarily? Yes.
Make-up a bad joke about eye shadow? Yes.
Travel around the globe in a pantsuit? Yes.
Cry havoc and let slip a hamster of ill-temper? Yes.
Boondock a homeless man in the bojangles? Yes.
Carry a small stick and yell a lot? Yes.
Combine the Macarena and the Chicken Dance for an ultimate wedding experience? Yes.
Make a video game called Butt Ram? Yes.
Hold someone's hand while I poop? Yes.
Wear a cavalry sword and pretend I have horse legs? Yes.
Own a time machine that only goes ten seconds into the past? Yes.
Handle the dead? Yes.
Hire a German woman to count my calories as I eat them? Yes.
Answer a Yes or Yes question? Yes.
Have this post end on an odd number of jokes? Yes.


Short Answer: Think I'll go back in time. Ah. There we go. Now...think I'll go back in time. Just a moment and...yep. What to do? Think I'll go back in time. (You're right. There are too many paradoxes in this joke. Man, it's hard to make time travel funny. Unless of course I went back in time to hold my own hand while I pooped.)

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Question: Why do women get fat and men go ball?

I wanted to guess that the last word in this question was supposed to be 'bald' but then I thought, 'Wait a second, Keith. This person could mean that women get fat and unattractive, and then men go ball, as in, become ballers, out on the town, getting some less thick poon on their business end.


Even though I still think the possibility is slim, I'm going with that, so my whole answer isn't an explanation of male pattern baldness.


For the record, men who are willing to 'go ball' will 'go ball' whether women are fat or not. Some men even 'ball' for fat women on purpose. I know, right?


Whatever makes you happy. But if the woman in the scenario is your wife or long-term partner, not cool, man. If the woman you love gets fat, just get fat with her. Then your self-esteems will match and neither of you will feel you deserve better. It's uncool to stay healthy, get a new haircut, buy a tweed tie and go wrangle ass.


Anyway, women and men get fat for the same reason. Corndogs.


Men go bald for various reasons, including stress and genetics.


Men 'go ball' for one reason. Corndogs. Just, you know, a different kind. The king that means sex stuff.


Short Answer: The 'corndog' by the way is one of the filthier things you can do with your penis and a breaded sheath.



Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Question: Why is the weather forecast always wrong?

Okay. I looked at one study. One's all you need. Right?

It said that in Britain, over a five-day period, a particular weather forecast is right 30-40 percent of the time. This surprised me, 'cause I figured the reason we predict things is to look smart and right, not like a bunch of rip-roaring assholes.


I really did think that the weather forecast was most often correct. Wants the point otherwise? I could take a guess, though I think taking a guess only makes you right between 25-30 percent of the time. How is that possible? How many kinds of weather are there in these places?


I wish I could find some, 'Is it gonna rain or not' statistics, because I think those are probably the most important. I'd imagine that forecasters would be right at least three quarters of the time, and guessers like myself would be right about 50 percent of the time. This, however, is based on absolutely nothing.


It's probably one of those things that we as people demand. We get used to the idea of something, like being able to figure out what the weather's going to be like in a few days, and then we just accept its inaccuracies. Like horoscopes. When are those accurate? And yet if you took them out of the newspaper, people would be like "Fuck you!" and "What's a newspaper?"


Short Answer: I have a dirty little feeling that meteorology is considerably more accurate than people think, and that they have to take a lot of factors into account. I also assume that long distance forecasting is inaccurate compare to what's happening tomorrow. There's probably a threshold of accuracy, based on how far away the prediction is, and how much data they have to collect between now and then. They make predictions in advance because we want them to, not because they're accurate.



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Question: Is that good enough for now? Lol

I don't think this question was meant to be answered, as it came in towards the end of a flood of questions, and yet it is a question that was sent to me, so by law - just like I have to tell you I'm in the neighborhood - I have to answer it.


Nothing's ever good enough for most people. LMAO


If people could just find joy in what they have, the world would be a better place. ROFL


Contentment is a direct line to happiness, as it allows you to appreciate life without effort. omnomnomnom


So appreciate what you have, rather than feeling sad about what you don't. Why U No Appreciate What You Have?


In conclusion, keyboard cat, fat kid taping himself while demonstrating mad bo staff skills, monkey smells his own butt and falls out of tree.


Short Answer:


                                 ____  ____
                         L   /--------/\---
                         O==\          []   \
                         L       \________)
                                 ___I____I___
                                       

Monday, November 10, 2014

Question: Why do they say that 19 yrs of age is legal when 16 is the age of consent?

That shit is different depending on where you are. The simple answer is that you're considered an adult for things at separate times for legal reasons. I can see why this may be baffling.


Luckily, and based on empirical science, we know that the part of your brain that wants fucking and the part that wants voting and the part that wants to buy alcohol are completely different. Scientists know exactly at what age all people are mature enough to do these specific things.


What? That's not true? It's completely arbitrary then?


Great.


Yea. All this shit is dumb. I'm pretty sure once a man becomes mustachioed he's a proper gentleman forever. And man is right there in the word gentleman.


Short Answer: This is some nonsense leftover from oldey times. You can't trust oldey times. They had some funny ideas. And they used cocaine for everything.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Question: Why do people go thru the fast lane at the supermarket when they have more than 20 items?

I have a counter question.


Who gives a shit?


People are way too uptight about shit like this. Why do people use the fast lane with too many items? They do it because they're idiots, and there's nothing you can do about that. Or they do it because they don't give a fuck, and there's nothing you can do about that.


One time I went to the fast lane and loaded all my shit onto the belt. I figured I had about the right amount of stuff to use it. No big deal, and I wouldn't have thought twice about it.


Then an older gentleman behind me made a disgusted noise, and said, "Why do people always abuse the rules?"


It took me a second to realize he was talking to me. Sadly, he didn't know he'd spoken up at the wrong time to the wrong person. I confronted him with a hard, confused glare, and he backed down with a bunch of mumbles. I wasn't satisfied. So I counted my items.


I had exactly twenty. No joke.


So I turned to him, righteous as god himself, and pointed this out. I thought I was just being a smarmy asshole, but the realization that he'd been wrong nearly destroyed the poor bugger. His next move was to claim that I should count my bunch of three bananas separately.


Having had enough of the man's total bullshit, I then forced him to go ahead of me. He tried to back away, but I refused to get checked out until he took his couple of items and went ahead. I made a pretty big production of it, and I'm guessing he'll be at least a tad more reticent to run his mouth next time.


Funny thing is, if he'd asked to go ahead of me because he was in a hurry - or for any reason - I would've gladly said yes.


Short Answer: Maybe the lesson here is that if you assume the worst in someone, and let it turn you into a douche, you might just get your shit ruined.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Question: Why does beer always taste good going down but not so great coming up?

When I was a young man, I went into the woods with my friends. We brought camping gear and two mickeys of boozeroo. If I recall correctly, one vodka, one rum. My uncle bought them for me. I didn't have a taste for it yet, so who was I to have an opinion?


Later that evening, whilst absolutely fucking hammered, we decided we should go buy beer. Though I had a tweener stashe going and my friend and I were both nearly six feet tall, it was pretty fucking obvious we were only thirteen and fourteen. Still, the corner store guy sold us the beer, because people want money, not other things. (Also, this was in Newfoundland, where drinking beer is the thing you do when...when always I think? So the guy probably thought, 'They aren't drinking beer right now. Who am I to stand in their way?' And he sold us the beer.)


Molson Special Dry.


Oops.


Later that evening, while I was being awoken every hour on the hour with the urge to vomit, I vomited plenty of wonderful things. But all I could taste was Molson Special Dry.


To this day, despite my many efforts, most beer does not taste good, let alone 'always taste good'. Therefore, I can only really comment on the latter part of this question. It tastes bad coming up because you've been smoking and eating cheezies as well.


Short Answer: A friend of my dad's used to have this joke that he'd tell every time I saw him. It was something along the lines of, 'Feeling sick? Have a banana. It won't help, but it will taste better coming up.'

Friday, November 7, 2014

Question: Why do shit smell bad

Normally, when a question comes in without a question mark, but the question is obviously not supposed to be a statement, I'll add the question mark. Once in a while, if I think a question has a typo in it that was clearly unintentional, I'll edit it.


In this particular situation, I felt like neither was appropriate.


Why do shit smell bad indeed.


Bacteria is the answer. Living bacteria makes smell happen. Poop is riddled with sulfuric compounds as well as hydrogen sulfide, which combined makes for stinky.


But maybe, just maybe, your poop smells bad because of a lack of punctuation and grammar.


Short Answer: I went to do some research on why poop smells bad, and I got to read the word 'turd' an inordinate amount. Apparently, in the world of shit science, turd is a totally acceptable word. Not out here in the real world, shit scientists. You guys are the best!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Question: Is there anything that always, no matter what, makes you irascible?

Being written on a chalkboard?


How about not knowing a word?


Okay, anyway...the answer is sadly a simple one. And when I give it, you will think me a major dickhole with major dickhole tendencies.


Here it comes. Prepare to dislike me.


I know what people are saying when they start talking. I can usually tell what their whole sentence is going to be within the first few words. Therefore, I spend a lot of my life waiting impatiently for people to finish filling the air with words when I already know what they've said.


This is something I've grown accustomed to, so to say it makes me fell irascible no matter what is a bit of a leap. Here's the catch.


If what you're saying is dumb, and I already know how dumb it is, and I still have to listen?


Boom. Wiped right off the chalkboard irascible!


Short Answer: I don't like being misunderstood very much, but there's some hilarious irony in that, being a person who basically guesses what someone is going to say, therefore drastically upping the percentages of possible miscomprehension. Dickhole tendencies!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Question: Why haven't you come by to check out my new apartment yet?

I would love to answer this question like a total dick, pretending I don't know where it came from. But in this case I do know, so I'm going to be honest.


The reason I haven't been by to check out your new apartment yet is because you live downtown now. Not only do I fear downtown due to its traffic, lack of parking and humans, I fear that you've become one of those 'downtown' people, who walks to work, and drinks smoothies and gets mugged often enough that you have 'sock money' for lunch just in case.


I like those socks that are like ankle socks, so I don't want to embrace the concept of sock money. In truth, I'd rather not get mugged at all.


Downtown scares me. It's like everyone's a teenager, or an adult whose brain hasn't yet developed all the way for another reason. And that reason is probably drug use and criminal intent. When I get eyeballed by someone downtown, I often have a one nut suck up situation, where I lose half of my manhood back into my thorax. This doesn't feel good, especially if I'm then forced to run from a switchblade wielding maniac.


I remember going downtown during the Olympics, because of peace and brotherhood and all that. I saw three murders, a dog eating a rat and the attempted sexual assault of a garbage bin by a man dressed as some sort of tellytubby/predator hybrid. And that was just while I was waiting in line for some sort of Japanese hotdog that sounded like a vomited-up abortion.


I never did get that hotdog, because the line was so long that I pooped in my pants. If I'd been keeping sock money, it would have been totally ruined.


Short Answer: I guess I'll see it some time. Maybe you can buy a car and pick me up and drive me home. And maybe a sponge bath? Incentives help.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Question: Why do people always go 30kms an hr in a 30 zone?

I'm not sure I understand this question. It sounds like the person is a little annoyed. But I think the reason we adhere closely to 30km zones is because we don't want to murder children with our cars.


I guess some people want to murder children with their cars, I've just never thought much about it from their point of view.


Also, I know for a fact that not everybody goes 30 in a 30 because I got a ticket once for going 45 in a 30 on that day I really hated children a lot.


Is this in reference to the idea that in most situations, we all drive 10 km/h or so over the speed limit? Because I've always thought that was weird, that we're allowed to cheat a certain amount. Like baseball. Why not post the speed limit 10 km/h higher and then things won't have to be so existential?


Existential isn't the right word there, is it? Is this one of those questions that just spawns more questions? Answer me!!!


Short Answer: We should all go slower in our 2000 pound death machines anyway. Leave the house earlier, tools.



Monday, November 3, 2014

Question: How many painters does it take to build a society?

Painters? Do they have some sort of load-bearing paint, or paint that inspires you to goodness, or paint that smells like solid social structure?


Not sure how important painters are. Artists, of course, are crucial to society, but are all painters artists? And obviously we're not talking about people who paint your den, here, because they aren't really artists. Sorry if you think you are.


If you can paint a picture real good, that's fine. But a painter who's truly an artist, that's a rare thing, like all true art. And they definitely make society better, but I don't think they build it. They may build the most important things on top of the base of society, but they don't really keep you from murdering each other or help with the distribution of resources.


Maybe I'm taking this too seriously. Obviously I'm of the school of thought that artists are necessary for the enjoyment of life. Just...painters? I don't know. Being able to draw is something you just have or you don't. I know because my family members have it, and I don't. Taking that to the level of Picasso is a million steps beyond having an inherent talent for drawing. And there are painters who can't even do that, they just 'express themselves' by slapping paint on a canvas with various parts of their anatomy, sometimes including the ballbag.


Art is important, but it's kinda the icing on the well-built society, isn't it? Art is the thing that keeps the people happy, so the society can continue to run on good values and community. But when it comes to the initial building, I think they're probably on the sidelines waiting to get called into the game.


Short Answer: If this question just meant painters who paint your house, and it was somehow asking me to break down the amount of workload like I was a contractor for a construction job, I'd have to say you need one painter for every three guys who can put up drywall.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Question: Are you happy hockey's back?

I am.


I'm not much of a baseball guy, so during the summer I check out of sports pretty hard. Sometimes I'll try to turn on whatever Sportsdesk is called now and get bombarded with baseball highlights, make a noise of disgust, and say something along the lines of 'every baseball highlight looks the same.'


So when hockey comes back, I'm not only happy to watch hockey, I'm happy that the sports shows stop talking baseball, and I also get football and soccer. Is it because that baseball is the only summer sport that we have to get so many fucking highlights? Like twenty minutes off the top of every show in the summer is fucking baseball. I guess it's the same for hockey, but only on busy nights. Every fucking night in the summer is busy for baseball. And even if I was a fan of my local team, why the fuck would I want to see a routine double play in the Pittsburgh Pirates vs. whatever that Florida team is called now game?


I used to watch baseball. I did. I got turned off before the steroid stuff, to be honest, and yet I feel completely okay with pretending that it's why I don't watch anymore. Seriously? Cheating? Rampant and accepted cheating? Boo-urns.


Anyway, I think this question was about hockey. Yay hockey.


Short Answer: Basketball highlights bore me too. Look, a dunk. Hey, another dunk! Now this guy does a dunk. Dunk! Here's the pass...three-pointer...he missed it dunk!


Note: Baseball highlights should be all nasty curve balls and basketball highlights should be all filthy rejections. That is the case that I make.