Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Question: What is your prediction for the new Vancouver Canucks this season?

I've gone into some analysis on questions like this in the past, but I won't this time. So many things have changed, so many things are up in the air, that any analysis is just best guess.

Are the Sedins and Burrows still capable of putting up first line numbers, whether together or separately?

Will we see success from our young talent?

Is Ryan Miller still a top flight goaltender?

Are we deep enough through the middle?

Have the shower hijinks been reduced to sexual minimums?

You get the picture.

Short Answer: My best guess in our tight division is that with the growing pains of a whole new approach and lineup, we'll be on the cusp of the playoffs.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Question: Can you explain the phenomenal success of terrible things like 'booty' by Jennifer Lopez?

Let's play, 'Learn Something About Keith'.

I didn't know that song was a phenomenal success. And I refuse to go and check, to confirm that it is. I watched the video, because I was hoping to get a boner. Instead, I got a face full of timeless, empty garbage. I've never heard or seen a thing so devoid of all quality in my entire life. It actually made me feel bad about myself and for anyone who has ever had ears.

Is whatever that is a thing? I've heard pop music and dance music and songs about butts before, but never have I seen such a shameful lack of integrity and innovation. What's the hook in that song? What's the melody? What's the point?

To clarify, what you've learned is that I refuse to give any time to something so horrid (other than to say bad things about it in this format, apparently). I won't look it up. I refuse. Just like I refuse to learn or remember the names of people who commit horrific crimes because they want to be infamous.

And no, I'm not equating a silly song about butts with horrific crimes. I'm just equating them in terms of my level of interest. Which is zero.

So I won't be trying to explain the success of this thing, because I don't know how successful it is. I had assumed that every one with a brain at all laughed at this thing, or shook their head with sadness. If there are people who like it, I don't think I even want to know.

Short Answer: I've already said too much. Time to get back to important things, like Nicki Minaj's Anaconda.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Question: How am I supposed to live without you?

Am I about to be assassinated?

Is that why I found a dead mouse in the middle of my living room floor? Was that a 'horse head in the bed' type threat?

This question is freaking me out. For anyone out there who clicked on this thinking, "Oh no, is Ask Keith Anything putting an end to his hilarious shenanigans? Will we never again get to suckle on the salty teat of his outrageous comedy?" then congratulations, you thought as I did.

Allow me to ensure you that I'm not going anywhere to my knowledge. And if the person asking the question is going somewhere, I'm sad to say they didn't include that information.

So first off, if you're dying of a horrible disease, that sucks. I wish you weren't. And I hope your last days are filled with pizza and the thing you always wished you'd done. If you're just going away to a place that doesn't allow thigh-slapping hijinks of this quality because I use the word 'boobs' a lot, like China or mainland outer space, then have a good trip. Try some food for me.

But if this is a question based on a Michael Bolton lyric, I hope you get a horrible disease and are relocated to China or mainland outer space.

Short Answer: I do appreciate a good song lyric question. I get a kick out of someone sitting down at a computer, trying to think of a question, and having a piece of a song flit through their head. It's adorable.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Question: What's another word for thesaurus?

thesaurus: someone who tries to be a smartass and make a joke when they ask a question, not realizing that the person who runs this blog is the one who's paid to be smart and funny. slang: someone who ruins it for everyone else by taking away the possibility of a funny answer by annoying the guy who's paid to be smart and funny.

I have a pseudo-rule that I don't ever make fun of a question. I want to encourage people to ask, so I treat every question with respect. But sometimes, I get a question that not only doesn't inspire me to be funny or entertaining, it sort of cuts me off at the knees. Sure I still have choices. I could try to do a list of words for thesaurus, or tell a story about poop. Instead, I feel less inspired because someone's making a terrible joke at me, and I feel the need to flee my responsibilities.

So in the spirit of being more and more open, more and more myself, I've chosen to voice my disdain.

Short Answer: This is not me being brave. I'm not risking the alienation of my fans or a random question asker. Because I know who asked this question of me. That's right. I know!

*Note: It was my wife.

By the way, here's an alternate answer, miss. thesaurus: more blowjobs.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Question: What do you think of the Jon Stewart/One Direction scandal?

No scandal.

In almost every situation, I'm going to side with those who are making comedy, the people who are trying to make us laugh. Even when other people are offended and have legitimate gripes, I don't give two fucks as long as the motivation of the joke tellers was to spread joy and make the world a better place.

Least of all would I side against Jon Stewart, who is not only intelligent and funny, he challenges the smokescreen of bullshit that the media wraps around everyday things to create controversy and news.

In this particular case, some are complaining that the Daily Show called one of the members of One Direction a terrorist. Thinking this a little harsh, I looked it up, having not seen the episode live.

What actually happened is that the Daily Show did a segment making fun of splinter groups, saying how one group splits from another and then that new group is the craziest one and the biggest threat to America's safety. It's a ridiculous bit, with one of the jokes being that now a duo has split off from a group and now they're the most dangerous group. Then, at the end of the bit, the breaking news is that a new supergroup has been formed. The correspondent lists some terrorist groups and throws One Direction in there as a cheap little poke, saying that one member from each group is in the new supergroup.

Now I won't defend the material. It's a cheap shot to just throw a Bieber, a Nickleback or a One Direction reference into a pile of stuff that people hate and fear. But it was meant as humour, clearly.

Apparently, a few fans (or non-fans, I don't know where this shit comes from) of One Direction think the joke was referencing one particular member because he is to some degree of Pakistani descent.

All I can say about that is that the Daily Show didn't reference a single person, so to assume some nefarious, targeted assault on someone's lineage seems awfully far-fetched, especially due to the fact that there's precedent for the Daily Show making these kinds of innocent jokes in the past without people getting their panties in a bunch.

Short Answer: I guess people have to have something to talk about. And when they're boring assholes with no originality, they have to create drama. The fact that the guy in One Direction is being singled out and defended seems more racist and inflammatory than the original throwaway joke to me.

*Note: Here, I'll try to make everybody feel better. If this bit had been in a different time period other than right this second, a Backstreet Boys joke, a New Kids On The Block joke, a Menudo joke, or an InSync (or however the fuck you spell that) joke all would've been used it place of the current boy band. And I doubt anyone would've picked out one of those guys as 'the real target'. Yay, context!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Question: Can you teach us some new sexual positions?

1) The Howler - This is where the man lies on his back, knees bent, and the woman gets in doggy-style and backs in until coitus is achieved. Then, she puts her forehead into the bed and reaches back with both hands, squeezing your balls until you howl.

2) Crazy Jane - This is missionary but with constant dripping spittle. This way, the woman looks like she's foaming out the mouth.

3) Rabies - The Crazy Jane with retaliatory nipping.

4) The Let's Make a Poop Baby - Not what you think, this is from-behind vaginal intercourse, but with the woman kneeling, hands on the wall. Then with each thrust, you pull in tightly on her stomach, hoping like heck to unleash a turd. Also referred to as the Hopeless Grunter if no poop baby is achieved.

5) The Wiccan - This is missionary but the woman discusses how spiritual she is, but not like, religion spiritual, like her own personal kind of spiritual. Your job is to try to maintain an erection. (My record is none minutes.)

6) The Upper Scooper - A derivative of the Dirt Scooper, this is where your lady lies on the bed with her legs hanging off. You pick up her legs as you enter from behind, then lift the legs over your head, bending her back and jamming her face into the mattress while still staying inside her. You can cheat this a little by putting one knee on the bed, also known as the Backhoe.

7) The Jesus Fish - The woman is pegging the man from behind and grabs his penis, pulling it back so that the tip rubs against the strap on, creating a connected penis, ass, dildo situation that resembles a Jesus fish.

8) The Lazy Pirate - Unlike the regular pirate, a classic cum in the eye + shin kick combination, with this one you just bend one of her legs under her and cover one eye with your hand, while staring menacingly into the remaining open eye. Also called the Privateer.

9) The Teeter-Totter - Achieve a man/woman flat on the back 69 position, and get a good rhythm going. Up, down, up, down...then dismount without a warning.

10) The Homer Simpson - Get some dough. Have sex through the dough. Say D'oh a lot.

Short Answer: I don't know how new these are. I've been Backhoeing and taking a fierce Howler for years.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Question: Discourse or Intercourse?

With a horse? Discourse, of course!

With a person?

fat: discourse or oral
ugly: discourse or anal
really ugly: discourse
any other kind of person: intercourse

Wait, wait, I meant full sized horses. Not miniature horses. For the answer to miniature horses see the 'With a person' section.

Well. We're through the looking horse now, aren't we?

I would've fucked Mr. Ed, to be clear about the options open to me by this question and even though he was technically a full sized horse. I mean, he can tell you how he likes it, right?

I'll bet the person who wrote this question had no idea that they were going to get a teeming face full of bestiality as response.

In general, I prefer discourse with smart people, and intercourse with dumb people. I think that's a pretty good rule of thumb and two fingers.

Here's why. In discourse with smart people, you'll hear things like: "Something must be done about the spread of anti first amendment rhetoric propagated by the media and the representation of those advocates in such a sensationalist manner."
While in intercourse with dumb people, you'll hear things like: "Fuck my pussy like it's lunchtime."

Short Answer: Here's an even simpler formula. If it don't have boobs, I'll talk to it. Otherwise, Imma gonna fuck it. Boobs seem to be the thing that makes me want to fuck stuff. So look out, cows!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Question: Am I the only person in the world who can't stand Morrissey?


There are two ways to react to Morrissey. With delight and delight.

The first kind of delight is the delight you get from enjoying the music of The Smiths.

The other kind of delight is finding his lyrics unnecessarily dark and silly and giggling about it.

Either way, there's not a lot of room for hate, or whatever emotion 'can't stand' is.

I guess you can dislike his personality, but you don't really know him. Anytime a celebrity is being a prig on the TV, it could very well be an isolated incident. Even if every time you see them they're like that, it's still a small percentage of their actual life. And despite our desire to think that because you're famous you must be happy, the opposite is often the case. Living that lifestyle isn't easy for a lot of people, and so they can come across as annoyed and bitchy in a way that seems unfair, yet if you found yourself in the same situation, you might act as badly or worse.

I won't get into anything specific, but as a figure in the public eye with opinions, he's said a lot of shit over the years. I don't pay much mind to that sort of thing unless it's something blatantly crazy, or something that can harm people. That's rare. I don't think of Morrissey as someone who's harmed people with his speech, but I'm not sure. Truth is, I just don't care to find out. I don't like him because of his views on race or vegetarianism, I like him because he was in The Smiths.

And on the positive side, he does seem to care about animals a lot. That's a pretty easy thing to appreciate assuming it's not a cover for his racist, misogynist, liberal, gay, Nazi agenda or whatever.

Short Answer: It's cool not to like something, but maybe save getting riled up for something positive. A hootenanny, for example. Everyone likes to get riled up for a hootenanny.

*Note: The actual question as submitted to me was: Am I the only person in the world who can't fucking stand Morrissey? I edited it because I can!!!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Question: My question is can you take a day for yourself? A free day?

1) In a while, the word blockbuster is going to mean something else entirely. Maybe it will mean a guy who lives in the past, or maybe it will be someone who breaks things for a living, like in a quarry. Or maybe it will go back to meaning what it originally meant, a bomb that can destroy a large area like a city block.

It's one of many words that are going to be lost due to fast advancing technology. Think about the word telephone. You think any form of that word will still exist in a decade when the device in your hand or 'in' your arm has three billion functions other than just being a phone?

2) There are 'think about the right word for a very long time until you get the perfect one' writers and there are 'the right word is the one you come up with on the spot' writers. I am the latter.

3) This questions sounds a little like it's telling me to take a day off. Eat a sack of orangutan testicles you pube. Imma gonna write words!

4) The Cure makes me think of my wife more than any other music. Probably because she looks a lot like Robert Smith.

5) If I don't have sex for a while, then I'm better at sex when it happens. This makes no sense to me. Doesn't practise make perfect? Is sure does with masturbation.

6) Pride is my sin. And eyeball adultery.

7) Porn stars like to think long and hard.

8) The reason I haven't become a successful fantasy novelist is because I write naked while listening to The Smiths. This creates issues with my 'tone'.

9) I lose all my best material to physics. As in, I can't physically reach the pen from where I'm sitting.

10) I wrote a stand up bit about being a deaf mute where I pretend to be a deaf mute that I'm afraid to do in public.

Short Answer: You're a free day.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Question: Truth or Dare?


Short Answer: That shit was ill-advised.

*Note: I'll bet whoever asked this question expected me to come up with some creative and hilarious ways to overcome the barrier of this device. Well, the joke's on you, fucker. Truth is, I'm always looking for a way out! Also, the answer to any question with truth as an option is truth. And if you choose dare while playing truth or dare you're most likely a whore. (Every dare ever: get naked or make out with someone.)

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Question: What is the rest of your day looking like?

Well I'm writing this at 12:35 AM because I need to get a blogpost in for today, but they're tearing up my bathroom in the morning. So the rest of my day looks a lot like going the fuck to sleep.

I just reread that and I can see how it might not make sense. I will have limited time in the morning before they start the work so I'll need to get my creative done; that's always the priority. 

I rarely do this. Most blog posts are written in the morning. And not sent from my phone. And not boring as fuck. I feel like I'm watching the pilot of yet another cop procedural drama. Jesus, no wonder I never do this at night. I'm horribly, cock shrinkingly boring.

Short Answer: I might watch some soft core porn, get a raging Woodrow and go awkwardly to bed with it because I'm too lazy to finish.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Question: Do you celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day?

I get me some of that booty, if that's what you're saying.

I know that wasn't what your were saying.

I do not celebrate silly bullshit like this. I can talk like a pirate any day I want. I even have a plank outside my house in case you test me. I've swabbed many a poop deck, if the disgusting residue left on the bathroom floor after a toilet orgy counts, and I've often allowed small creatures to rest on my shoulder. Usually silverfish.

I've never been a big pirate guy. I don't quite get the appeal. They're crooks who do horrible shit with no redeeming qualities. They want your money, and not even to spend, just so they can bury it on some shitty island and forget where it was. If 'maps' is a big part of your character makeup, you're boring and shitty.

But by all means, go ahead. In no way do I mean to put a damper on your saying 'arrr' all day every chance you get. Squeeze all the joy out of this sort of thing that you can. Hawaiian T-Shirt day is just around the corner, but you've got to keep yourself going with something, right?

Short Answer: I like steak and blowjob day. Oh, I'm a hypocrite? Yes. Yes I am.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Question: Do you have any other nemeses besides Seuss?

Not that I know of. Though this feels like a bit of a call for nemeses, now. Feel free to ignore it, possible nemeses. I'm good.

There's the blonde kid in the Geo Tracker, who would turn left at the same intersection that I would when I was younger. I've talked about that before, but that's more of a joke nemesis. (For those who don't remember, I also had blonde hair and drove a Suzuki Sidekick.)

Dr. Seuss is a real nemesis!

I've dedicated too much time to Seuss lately, so I won't get into that any further. We've gotta spread these things out, people, or the Seussians are gonna find out and beat my ass. Apparently, he was a delightful, wonderful man.

So it's time to call out Roald Dahl! Yea, bitch! Talkin' bout old Roaldy! Come get some!

(Notice how I only call out the dead? You may think this is cowardice on my part, and yet, if you had to have a fistfight with a ghost author, how well do you think you'd fare, huh? So keep that judgement to yourself until you're capable of being woken up by a challenge of ethereal fisticuffs.)

Short Answer: Oh, look at me! I'm an author, but for children, and yet the books transcend genre and age and are enjoyed by adults! I'm so special! Look at all my success and wonderful literature!

(womanly crying heard from nearby apartments)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Question: What should I be up for today?

Your life is probably total shit.

Statistically speaking, you probably care too much about sex, are too stupid to process your confusion, think that alcohol is the quickest route to a good time, worry constantly about what other people think of you, judge everyone that walks by as compensation, sit at a crappy job watching the clock, wonder where your dreams went, settle for unhealthy relationships and think that loving coffee or bacon is the equivalent of a personality.

So I guess the answer is more of the same, unless you want to get off your ass and change your life for the better and learn that the pursuit of sex alone is not rewarding, it's okay to not understand everything implicitly, that you can have a good time without being fucked up, other people are as insecure as you so you can stop worrying, let everyone be who they want unless they're fucking with you, don't settle for a crappy job, make your dreams happen, be honest in your relationships to whittle down your tribe to the right sort of people and stop fucking talking about how much you love coffee and bacon!

Seriously, if you make a joke in front of me about 'needing your coffee' or that you should 'put bacon on it' I will write you off as a human being in a heartbeat. You might even get a sack of urinal cakes in the jaw. I call that the Janitorial Surprise.

Remember Janet from Three's Company? Her Janetorial Surprise was not being as attractive as every blonde to ever come on that show.

Short Answer: What in all the fucks was I talking about a second ago?

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Question: How did this thing between you and Dr Seuss get started?

Hard to trace it back to its exact beginnings. There are a few possibilities.

My book Myrtle the Turtle didn't go over well.
I called Go, Dog, Go the Ishtar of driving dog books.
I took a filthy picture with his pet narwhal.
I bent his electrowhocardioshnooks when I got drunk at his Grinchmas party.
I fucked his daughter in the you know 'who'.
When I met his wife, I said, "Horton hears a fatty."
I told him to his face that I didn't believe he was a real doctor.
When he wasn't around, I would call him Theo Huxtable. It probably got back to him.
They made his birthday National Reading Day and I called it National Nerdface Day.
After he died, I sent the wrong flowers to his funeral. I just thought that 'country dairy' was a made up color.

No, I doubt it mattered by then. It's probably the thing where I put my wuzzle in his daughter's pantooka.

Short Answer: Oh, the places I went with that little strumpet. I gave her a drink and I sent her to bed. And then I stuffed the tree up.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Question: I'm not getting anywhere today.

Rarely do I give up to this degree.

I woke up with a pain in my wrist. Don't know why. Probably just the way I slept on it. But the pain is sharp enough that it's numbing my mind, and more importantly my ability to overcome silly shit like a pain in the wrist.

So instead of addressing a question, I'm doing this. While my wrist complains, and I feel a strong desire to cry over the silliest shit, I'm writing words. It's the skill that I have, this thing where I make what happens in my head turn into something that other eyes can read. It's not art; it's tangible. And yet it is artistic in its approach, and put into the world for interpretation. Some days, I'm a hilarious guy, proud of myself due to assumed laughter and appreciation. Other days, I feel like a lifelong graverobber, trying to sneak a piece of a person onto a beautiful buffet table with a dirty shovel, while the rich and privileged watch me cautiously over the lip of their champagne glasses.

I like to pretend that being a writer is just a set of skills. I'm just like anyone else with a toolbox. But I also know that I'm using metaphor, and beneath there is another truth. That letting the world in, and then letting it out through your own template, is a very personal experience, and that merely by enacting this strange practise, I'm exposing something of myself that is never exposed by a mechanic. (No offense to mechanics. Please don't overcharge me forever.)

That exposure has a toll. I'm not sure what it is, or how big it is. Maybe it's as small as days like this, where knowing that I'm exposed is just a little too much to bear.

So, in the spirit of this blog, I thought instead of hiding that feeling of exposure behind something hollow, I'd expose myself even further. (Imagine me in a long overcoat, ready to reveal balls.) Fight fire with fire, as everyone but firemen say.

What better way to fight the fear that people are seeing behind the curtain, than to throw the curtains wide?

Short Answer: Sorry if this sucks. Today, I'm barely a humorist. My energy is being spent on silly concerns that will be gone tomorrow. Shall I deal better with the concerns that replace them? Who's to say? Now, to look at butts on the internet.

*Note: Apparently 'graverobber' is supposed to be two words. I refuse to change it. I'm taking a stand.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Question: Poop on a cracker.

Alright. Hello Sunday. What do you have in store for me?

Poop on a cracker. I see. Let's go back to bed and wait 'till Monday, shall we?

Short Answer: I hope this wasn't a command. And if it really was a question the answer is obviously and invariably no.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Question: What are your Top Ten Songs About Food?

I'm not going to delve so far as to find out if the songs are really about food or not, because even if they sound like they are, it might be one of them dreaded metaphors. So instead, food type, or food inspired songs, or just songs with food in the title. Let's food this!

Top Ten Food Songs

10) Lemon by U2
9) Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan
8) My Boy Lollipop by Millie Small
7) Eat It by Weird Al
6) American Pie by Don Mclean
5) Coconut by Harry Nilsson
4) Red, Red Wine by UB40
3) Pulling Mussels From the Shell by Squeeze
2) Tangerine by Led Zeppelin
1) Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes, Lollipop by the Chordettes, Marshmallow World by Bing Crosby, Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard, I Heard it Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Question: When was the last time you did Poetry Time?

Don't know. I was going to answer this in one sentence, that sentence being the date on which I last did a poem. But my blog isn't letting me search properly today, so instead, the explanation of a joke! Always better than the joke itself!

I assume you're asking me to write a poem.

So be it.


If I were to try on hate, like torn hosiery beneath a well-pressed skirt, I assume I'd like the fit but not the appearance.

I assume that I would become someone's whore, and when I bandied about my ignorant opinions on the subject, I'd be smacked in the mouth, the blood a reminder of my place.

If I were to embrace bias with callous hands I assume that the stockings would be torn from me, and I'd be violated by the monsters of karma, until even my insides were blackened.

I assume that I would think this deserving, and be forced to rethink my approach.

But what if I didn't? What if the hate and the bias propelled me further? What if I was the one who did the smacking? What if I was the violator? What if I changed the world and everyone had runs in their stockings beneath well-pressed skirts, above tawdry shoes scuffed with blood from menace, below a barely there shirt to expose my heaving breasts full of righteousness?

Lips blood, blood red.

What if I changed the world with all that hate?

Short Answer: Risk/Reward

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Question: Top Ten Filthy Ways to Use Seuss Titles?

Ah-ha! Someone who's taken the correct side in this Seussian feud. How do you like that, Seuss? Huh? That's what I thought you'd say!

Top Ten Sexier Seuss

10) Ten Apples Up Inside Your Mother
9) Hop on Pop and Other Pop
8) Go, Dog, Go and Get the Peanut Butter
7) Horton Hears a Queef
6) Oh the Places You'll Felch
5) Green Eggs and Extended Felatio
4) Yertle the Turtlehead
3) One Fish, Two Fish, Date Rape, Lawsuit
2) And to Think That I Saw a Mulberry Stamp
1) Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Down!

Short Answer: Honorable Mention to The Pocket Book of Boners, an actual Dr. Seuss book, compiled of his earliest bits in 1931.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Question: Can you do something special for me? A little treat for old me?

Here's a special treat.

Things I Said Out Loud Today
(even though I'm by myself and it's still pretty early in the morning)

"Here comes a big, bad loaf."
"I'm going to have to soak my anus because of all of this hot, loose stool."
"I guess a churd is either a Mexican turd or a child-sized turd."
"Ooh, I churd it through the grapevine." (sung)
"I gotta lay off the hot sauce and coffee."
"Toniiiiiiiiight, we're Carl Jung." (sung)
"First thing's fuckin' last."
"C'mon, man. There's no need of that."
"You must not know 'bout Keith, you must not know 'bout Keith." (sung)
"Back in blog. I get back in blog! Der-ner-ner, der-ner-ner." (sung) (guitar solo)

I should definitely do one of these on another day when I've had more than just an hour and a half. The shit that I let come out of my mouth is hotter and looser than any stool.

Short Answer: Err, I just did that thing where I kind of short answered right before my short answer. That's awkward. Kinda like today how I took a regular poop right before I took a second horrendous poop. How's that for a little treat?

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Question: What's your take on The Fappening?

First of all, calling it The Fappening is so hilarious and brilliant that there should be a special word or phrase for the accomplishment. Something like, 'Whoever came up with The Fappening really had their druthers greased that day'.

As per usual, as soon as a story gets big enough, people dig under their beds for their easily stored, collapsible soap boxes. Oh, wait. For those who don't know, 'The Fappening' refers to that rather large leak of naked celebrity pictures that were apparently hacked from the cloud. Like dirty rain drops.

Back to it. My first thought is a simple one. There are exactly 71 quadrillion naked celebrity photos on the internet already, let alone the astronomically innumerable amount of regular old naked photos. This is a tiny fap in the pan, for a little perspective.

Somehow, with this leak, people have begun to complain about others being complicit in the theft/crime/eye assault on these women by looking at the released pictures. Again, I put forth that any perv can see anyone naked anytime on the internet, and just because a person is curious about a news story and Search Engines 'The Fappening', it doesn't make them a thief or a violator of women. Sure, the act of looking at someone's private photos may equate in a symbolic way to standing outside their house and watching them change; but let's not forget it does not in any way equate to an actual crime or a direct and personal affront. Jennifer Lawrence doesn't know that Todd from accounting saw her boobs. She probably assumes that every member of the accounting trolls saw them. And I assure you, she doesn't expect them to be lynched for having a gander.

What one non-famous person does on his computer matters as much to a celebrity as what one non-famous person does in any other aspect of his life. Unless they're a member of the currently trending charity, most celebrities don't give a fuck about the normals! Why would they? The only normals that ever seep into their wonderful lives are the people who stalk them for pictures every second of the day. There is separation between - in this case - the photee and the looker-atter, same as the separation between their actual lives and the lives of their fans.

Get back to me when looking at a picture of an adult naked person is a crime. You can find it distasteful all you want, but I'm not a big fan of the rhetoric that puts someone who lives on the internet and clicks any damn thing that's trending - as we all do - in the same category as actual physical sex offenders.

Short Answer: Everyone take a breath. Things are going to be fine.

*Just wanted to revisit, briefly. Another thing that bothers me is that not everyone finds nudity all that precious. I'm naked all the time, and would be more often if my wang didn't scare horses. My wife doesn't find it precious either, and so I live in a world where seeing someone naked doesn't necessarily equate to anything sexual. We're all brought up different, so to say that looking at these women is objectifying them is quite simply something that would never occur to some people. That prudish idea is being projected onto everyone, along with an oddly poignant dose of Catholic shame.

Don't get me wrong. I get that people don't want other people to see their private stuff, I do, and the people who perpetrated the theft of those personal materials have their own shit to answer for. But again I state perspective. It's just boobs. Maybe leave your soapbox assembled for the next school shooting. It should be right around the corner.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Question: What are the top ten foods I should avoid eating just before sex?

Top Ten? That's awkward. What am I basing this ranking on? Which ones will make you throw up? Which ones will give you bad breath? Which ones will signal your partner to make involuntary poop? (As you know, I only like the voluntary kind.)

I'll right. Let's try it.

Top Ten Foods To Avoid Before Sexual Congress (the kind of congress that gets things done)

10) Bacon - Bacon is very good. That's been discussed at length. But it might be too good, so that the sex part is not so good. You don't want that.
9) Oysters - Contrary to the idea that oysters somehow stimulate your sex drive, do you really want something slimy sliding down your throat before sex?
8) Corn - Corn is the least sexy food, because it often can be seen in turds.
7) Shark Fin Soup - Because you should never fucking eat shark fin soup.
6) Corned Beef - You want to do the corning yourself, and just like corn is gross, corned beef is a poor and unsexy euphemism for what you're about to get up to.
5) Dairy - Sex farts on the mic.
4) Asparagus - If you eat it right before, it may not matter, but if you're into letting out a little pee 'by mistake' while you're doing sex to things, it might smell worse than the aforementioned dairy farts. (By the way, during sex little jets of urine can be referred to as 'squeezins'.)
3) Chocolate Pudding - Yummm. Chocolate pudding. Yea let's have sex! See it?
2) Pizza - Same as the bacon reason, only pizza is even worse. There's no way you can enjoy sex as much once you've eaten pizza. Sex becomes more like the cigarette after sex, and then the actual cigarette after sex becomes you killing yourself with tobacco, ya idiot.
1) Lychee Nuts - Nobody wants this wet testicle in their gom right before the filthy mouth business.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention to: the balut egg, a boiled, fertilized egg. That's right, eat your late term abortion and then get turned the fuck on!

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Question: Are you the result of a big bang or the creation of a higher being?

I'm the result of two horny teenagers getting bone crazy in the back of a Gremlin.

I see what you're trying to do. I can't get into it, I can't. I just saw a documentary about Creationism and it was tough, man. I mean, I want to be respectful of people, I do, but when they said that the proof dinosaurs lived with humans was all the mention of dragons in 'historical stories' I went into crazy rant mode.

It's the same problem as liberal vs. conservative or any other so-called debate that exists in the western world. It's not really a debate. It's each side acting put upon by the other, and then getting righteous in their indignation as rebuttal. Sure, creationism doesn't make any sense. But if you look at it from their point of view - a dude in the documentary actually said if the Bible told him that 2+2=5 he'd accept that and make it work - they can't believe anything that contradicts the specific word of the Bible. They're not trying to be dicks, in theory.

Now that's just the far side, the 'evangelical biblical Christians', the ones who take the Bible literally. There are lots of people on either side of the coin, atheists and religious people both, who are able to accept certain levels of spiritual and scientific ideas into their belief systems. These people are the only ones capable of true debate, and yet they're shouted down by the extremists on either side.

You can't have a conversation when you say "How can there be a God?" and the other person says, "How can there not?" That's a conversation of facts versus feelings, intelligence versus emotion. It's like an argument that goes on forever because no one has the balls to get off their high horse and attempt to see things the other way around.

And why should they? That's the problem right there. Just respect that someone thinks something else. Sure, if they try to push it on you, make you believe it in nefarious ways, attempt to make it uncool for you to think how you want to think, then stomp some guts. Otherwise, there shouldn't even be a debate about big bang versus creation. Instead, there should be a debate about whether or not people are going to be accepting of other people. If the answer is yet, then everyone needs to chill the fuck out.

This goes for the whole blue vs. red thing in the states, too. I go on Twitter for approximately five minutes a day. And I'll see at least a half-dozen hateful, biased comments from either side of the aisle, stating blatantly that an entire group of people comprising millions of individuals are 'that stupid' for some inane reason.

Grow the fuck up, everybody. (And just for the record, America, that hateful rhetoric you spew at each other is one of the reasons that people in other countries can't believe you're allowed to have so many guns. Don't be so surprised.)

Short Answer: Lots of evidence to support the big bang. For me, religion was a process of weak indoctrination that I shook off when I went looking for answers. Science supplies the answers for me. But if some dude in the sky created science, then he did a good job, 'cause science makes a lot of sense.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Question: If it were possible, what would you un-invent?

The television series M.A.S.H. Not because it sucks or anything; I've just never seen it so I feel weird when people are talking about it.

Is that an invention, though? What's an invention. Like the wheel? I'm pretty big into the wheel, though that doesn't feel entirely like an invention either 'cause round shit just exists.

It's sketchy to go back and uninvent shit because that's like stepping on a butterfly Ray Bradbury style. It has ripples, man. You go back and uninvent the looking glass and...Bam! Hitler Day Parade!

Maybe pasties. Those things that women put over their nipples so they're not all the way naked, even though they obviously are all the way naked and that just ruins the esthetic a little. That's really dumb. Are we so afraid of nudity that we need to put stickers on our most sensitive bits?

How about the gun? Or at least the hand gun. How much better would shit be if having a lethal device that fits into the palm of your hand wasn't an option?

Oh! Now we're getting political! Well how about we un-invent politics! Boom! The people we choose to represent us in the government actually represent us, and the decisions are made based on what the people really want! Governance, service, loyalty, duty...Yay! (That was Kermit at the end, there.)

Short Answer: I would un-invent banks and guns. That way, when someone tried to steal from you, they'd have to come to your house and get into some serious fisticuffs. 'Hands off my mattress, kind sir, or I'll give you a right good thumping!'

Friday, September 5, 2014

Question: What would you like to see Marvel do next?

Hire me. Or just give me some money; that'd be cool, too.

They seem to be doing pretty much everything at this point, so it's getting harder and harder to answer this sort of question. They've got those Daredevil and Luke Cage series coming on Netflix, and Dr. Strange and Black Panther look like they're coming, so that's a lot of the speculation for the next layer of superheroes. We'll never see Namor, because people are idiots, and Deadpool keeps getting ass-rammed for some reason. It's like they're waiting for Ryan Reynolds career to be completely dead before they cast him.

The movie industry has recently taken on some major storylines involving Marvel characters. The days of 'I wish they'd do that storyline' are nearly over. We've seen the Dark Phoenix, Wolverine in Japan (sorta), Days of Future Past, two Spider-Man origins and the Avengers. We're getting Sinister Six, Infinity Gauntlet, Age of Apocalypse and who knows what else. It's all viable. There's nothing far-fetched anymore.

A lot of the things I want to see are from other comic properties at this point. Looking at you, DC/Vertigo. Hurry up with Preacher, buttholes.

The first to mind are teams like X-Force, Thunderbolts, Inhumans and Alpha Flight (never gonna happen). GotG was such a success that you've got to think there are suits thinking they can cash in on some other teams. Speaking of Guardians, a Nova movie could be in the works for sure.

For the right answer here, you need to look to the other chromosome. Women are underrepresented in film, and so you have to start looking to characters like Black Cat, Spider-Woman (who's a lot cooler than you think) and the ultimate and obvious number one choice: Carol Danvers. Also known as Captain Marvel (not the Shazam Captain Marvel from DC), Warbird, Ms. Marvel and Binary, Major Carol Danvers has a rich history and solid following, and is a prominent member of the Avengers in our modern comic book world. She is a strong enough character to hold her own movie, and can be tied-in easily with the existing Avenger-scape.

Short Answer: No, not fuckin' Moon Knight.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Question: How do we improve the theme park experience?

Yea. It's nudity.

I mean, you could change the theme to nudity, but then you'll get a bunch of fatties squashed together in a line like marshmallow peeps, and nobody wants sweaty, sweet whatever the fuck that is.

It's more like the random nudity stuff. Like encourage beautiful people to show their boobs whenever they see a pile of blue cotton candy throw up.

Another thing that would improve the theme park is if the themes weren't shitty. Where's my The Shogunate, a theme park about Japan when it was awesome, before they hugged pillows and pretended they were real ladies? Or how about the I'm 35 And I Want to Bang Twenty Year Olds and I Need a Safe Place Because I Feel Judged by the Boring Eyes of Society. They'd have good corndogs, I bet.

Here's one. Cool Space. Not nerdy stupid space, but space if we lived in a science-fiction movie, with fucking food replicators and blasters and shit. And all the ladies could wear Leia bikinis and constantly ask me if I wanted to climb into their Jefferies Tubes.

I know I'm crossing the streams. Oh, shit, did I just cross them again by referencing Ghostbusters? Yea. I did.

Short Answer: I'll accelerate some protons for comedy. What of it?

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Question: Who would win in a game of soccer, if it was Vampires and Zombies that were on the opposing teams?

I think I'm right to assume that you don't know what a zombie is. And quite possibly that you don't know what a vampire is.

The reason there haven't been many classic throw downs - either in books or on the silver screen - between the Undead and the Living Dead, is because it would be an unfortunately one-sided affair.

First and foremost, if there are any fans in attendance for this encounter, the zombies would just leave the field and try to climb into the stands. So there's that.

A vampire against a zombie in any physical competition is a total mismatch. Vampires have everything going for them, while zombies have only numbers and inevitability. Assuming we're adhering to an 11 on 11 situation for the game, this pretty much takes away all of the zombies opportunities for positive outcome.

A bunch of vampires against a bunch of zombies is like a team full of college professors who used to run track versus a team of retarded preschoolers, or at least obese kindergartners, or at least chubby second-graders. Even the fast type of zombies are complete idiots. And their advantage would be to eat and kill everything before the vampires could score, which is fine, except zombies don't eat vampires. So again, a faster dispersion among the crowd and an open net for Count Messi.

Short Answer: Unless of course the game was played in the day, and then it would be a draw.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Question: Without knowing me or ever having seen me, what do you think is my best feature?

It's either your penis or your boobs.

Wanna know why?

Because you're either a man or a woman.

Wait, is that unfair now that we've acknowledged so many other sorts of gender?

Okay, let's try again. If you have a penis and boobs, then your best feature is your boobs. If you have neither penis nor boobs, your best feature is your bum. Unless it's a man-bum and then it's your legs, and if those legs are hairy then it's your bank account. And if you're poor it's your eyes, because that's the safest thing to say to anyone.

There. I do try to be as politically correct as possible on this site. Woah. My screen just cracked when I wrote that line. Ha-ha, God.

I wonder if God has a penis and boobs? And would his beard still be his best feature? I'd like to think God would have an amazing, natural rack and a reasonably lengthy, thick dong, so that it would be hard to choose between them. Almost like, the best case scenario would be when you met him, that he instantly curled up like a Popple and titty-fucked himself, and when he came, rainbows would cover his jiggly jugs.

Short Answer: Male or female, your best feature is your brain, which contains a willingness to let me do horrible sex things to your many pliable orifices.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Question: What went wrong with Vampires?

If the reason Vampires is capitalized is because you're referring to the movie Vampires (or John Carpenter's Vampires) then you've made a mistake, because there's nothing wrong with that movie. So I'm gonna assume you mean vampires in general.

Technically the first thing to go wrong with vampires was when Bram Stoker's novel Dracula came to America, and was put on the stage. That was when the debonair, romantic Dracula made his first appearance, because those were added elements that weren't in the original story. Dracula is kinda just a dirty old man in the book, more of a depraved and sketchy weirdo than a powerful force of lust and perfectly coifed hair.

So you can blame Twilight all you want, but we were on a slippery slope when we made pale creatures that live in the dark and have to emerge to feed on flesh into sexy dudes in capes.

(Though to be fair, John Polidori's 'The Vampyre' from 1819 did depict the titular character as a functioning, aristocratic type, and Sheridan Le Fanu's 'Carmilla' from 1871 was about a lesbian vampire. Also, despite being a sketchy weirdo, Dracula was rather polite in the book until he started to get fucked with. Some would even claim gentlemanly, but I've always disagreed with that interpretation.)

Now, to the present. Yea, Twilight is a dump. And yea, many children have no idea. And yea, we have to wait for them all to grow up and catch up on the history of vampire culture. It doesn't help that those books and movies were geared toward a younger audience, because kids don't have taste yet; they just have their parents' money. Hopefully it will work out. People are still making vampire literature and movies, and the quality hasn't waned. In fact, the popularity of vampires in the mainstream has helped with the amount of things being created, and that means a better chance at more great vampire stories. It may take a generation for us to shake off the twinkling assholes and see the era for a boon in vampires, but I'm thinking we will.

Short Answer: I guess nothing went wrong. Zombies are popular, too, and we just attribute that to the fact that they're awesome, and it was only a matter of time before more people appreciated them. Maybe the same could be said of vampires. And once anything gets popular, you're going to get parodies and stories geared towards youth. Let's begin the post-Twilight ear, and give vampires, and those who want to create stories around them, their proper due.

As a bonus, here's a few links to other vampire shit I've written on-blog: