Sunday, August 31, 2014

Question: How many of the ten commandments have you broken?

How many are there? Oh, yeah. Right. Just kidding.

(tugs on collar like a cartoon)

Let's have a look-see.

(Search Engines 'the ten commandments in order')

K. Go.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Yea, I broke the shit out of this one. Gods before you include poon, pizza and footy.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Assuming that I'm even understanding this one, I was never very good at sculpture. No, wait, I did do a face with big eyes and a wide open mouth for my final art project in high school. Half-points?

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Well, shit. That's a fuckin' write off.

4. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
I'm not even sure which one it is, Saturday or Sunday, but I'm pretty sure I don't keep things holy on a regular basis, so there's a good chance I fucked this one up, too.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother.
Unless honouring is something sexy, I think I do this one pretty good.

6. Thou shalt not kill.
Unless killing at writing a blog counts, I'm good.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
I think this only counts when you're married. I was slightly adulterous when I was wee, but I'd never cheat on my wife. She'd fuck me up.

8. Thou shalt not steal.
Okay, here's the deal. I went through a two week phase when I was ten where I stole a few gobstoppers from the local corner store, but that's it.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Yea, I'm no liar, or false witnesser.

10. Thou shalt not covet.
I covet the shit out of everything. I want your wife, your car, your income. All of it, fucker!

Short Answer: 5 and a half. That's probably pretty good, right? Though it does feel like murders should be scored slightly differently, but whatever.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Question: If cost wasn't a factor, where would you go to write/work?

The moon.

Ha! See what I did there? I went to the fucking moon! Nice!

I'd probably build an amazing fort made out of gold, diamonds and the hearts of missing children. Then I'd tuck myself in there and not allow girls.

You can write from anywhere, or at least I can. Except the bath tub. That was a rough one. I could've died. Don't laugh at me.

There are a few places I haven't been, but I'd be going there to see those places, to experience the food and the culture and the many beautiful women, not to write. Writing for me is something I do at home. It's work, like a chore. You can't sweep the floor in Ireland and feel like you've accomplished the same thing.

Also, I don't trust the rest of the world. There are storms and muggers and jerks and rapists and rape-storms and jerk-muggers all over the place. I don't want to go somewhere and get eaten by a whale or swallowed by the earth itself or terrorized into explosions. I'm good here.

Short Answer: Maybe Newfoundland.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Question: Do you have the answer to the meaning of life?

I think it's awfully rude of you to assume that I don't. I've answered everything else, haven't I?

Monty Python thought it was a sketch show.
Douglas Adams thought it was 42.
Gaugin thought it was a painting with yellow dudes.
Plato thought it was attaining the highest form of knowledge.
Epicurus thought being free of fear and pursuing happiness was the answer.
Stoics claim freedom from negativity, following a path of wisdom and self-control.
Aristippus was down with hedonism.
Pragmatists say that you need to experience life to find its meaning.
Aristhenes and Cynisism says the best life is one of virtue.
Nihilists think there's no meaning at all.

There's a bunch more dudes with a bunch more thoughts. It pretty much travels the whole spectrum from 'love is the tits' to 'nothing really matters.' I think the latter is Queen's opinion.

I think Theists are pretty close. God created everything, so it's up to him what the meaning is. That's a great way not to worry about it, except for the having to imagine a dude in the sky all the time. That sounds exhausting.

The Existentialists (those who thought that your life's meaning was singular to you and not created by something external like a god) are of particular note. Nietzsche is the most famous, but he's fairly well represented in popular culture.

Absurdists put it pretty simply. It's nuts to try to compare our desire to find meaning with the inherent lack of meaning that exists all around us. So there are three solutions. Kill yourself, find God, or accept the absurd. What's cool is that the two prominent names of Absurdism - Camus and Kierkegaard - had very different opinions on which solution was correct. Kierkegaard understood man's desire to believe in a god. Camus thought this 'philosophical suicide'. Whereas Camus was a proponent for accepting the absurdity of existence, Kierkegaard thought that was 'demoniac madness'.

All this search for meaning can get pretty wacky. In today's society, we still have a fundamental battle between modern theism and forms of humanism, the digestible ends of the spectrum. God gives you meaning, or he doesn't.

So you ready for the answer? I doubt you are.

Short Answer: The meaning of your own life is yours to discover.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Question: You don't consistently participate in #ThrowbackThursday.

Well, this is awkward. I can't really participate now, because you're making me write an original response. I suppose I could plagiarize myself a little for your amusement.


"Later still I will make a festive coil and press it into a bunt cake pan." How's that for a throwback? or what about: "Bacon cures bitchy", or maybe the old gem: "I'm sitting on my tall, black throne, of course, with a long burgundy robe, bear claw slippers, smoking my bubble pipe in a luchador mask."

Isn't random shit fun? Wait, hold on, I'm getting something. Nope. Turns out it's not all that fun.

Fuck it. Here's some more!

"Asturbate isn't a name?"
"Being yourself is overrated when you're an asshole."
"Go build something or save someone. That's the shit we need."
"Original lyric was 'once, twice, three times O'Grady' but being in love with an Irish cop was even too gay for the Commodores."
"On the other vagina, he has passed through and beyond your wife's holiest of holies, and I like to slap a down low five with every dude who bangs my wife. To say that my hand is sore would be an understatement..."
"I had a panic attack, mid-calf, and my ankle twisted every which way but not twisted."
"I'm surprised, after over 400 questions, that this is the first one about pee."
"Hell, I'd have sex with a dirty hooker just to be able to choose which dirty hooker."
"You've gotta go out and kick the balls and make the panties drop."
"How many lightbulbs does it take to screw your wife? Three. Or two if you can find another way to keep her mouth shut."
"Honesty is the best policy, except when fleeing madly is the best policy."

Short Answer: There. I think that's enough of myself.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Question: Boobs! An appetizer, desert, or just a distraction from the main event?

I've never really thought of boobs as a distraction from anything except my horrible, boobless day-to-day existence. And yet, I've also never thought of them as something that has to happen before or after something; sex, I suppose, in the above example.

Looking at boobs is an appetizer I guess. Because once you're touching them, they become part of the 'main event', unless you're touching them without permission, and then the 'main event' becomes you getting your face slapped the fuck off.

I don't think boobs are ever desert. Unless you like pizza more than boobs, and you just had pizza. Still, boobs leads to sex, and if you just had a bunch of pizza, wriggling around in a flesh hammock with another sweaty moron might not be the best way to ensure that your pizza stays in your stomach.

I think it's okay to get distracted by boobs, but in my experience, you have to have a lot of will power to touch boobs, achieve the 'desired effect' in your crotchal area, and then ignore that pressing matter while you continue to focus on boobs. I don't know if it's even possible to focus on boobs so much that you no longer have a pant leg full of blood. I think focusing on the boobs is what makes it so.

Plus, depending on your partner's size and disposition, boobs can remain the main event, if you know what I'm saying.

Short Answer: If you don't, sorry. Your life has been a paltry one.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Question: What are the best female directed horror films?

Yes! I was hoping someone would pick up on this. A week or so ago I dropped a hint in a post, to see if anyone would ask something along these lines. Well done, reader of that. Well done.

Certain old white men are fuckin' awful and there's no reason there should be such a sparse field to choose from Sadly, there is, and hopefully that shit'll change. Because women are fucked up, and everybody knows it. The gender that bleeds from the crotch seems to me the more logical to bleed from the screen, or make my eyes bleed, or make stabby-stabby. You get the picture.

Top Ten Horror Moves by Female Directors

10) Trouble Every Day - Claire Denis has directed a bunch of normal movies. Her first foray into horror is about eating people. Good idea.
9) Howling VI: The Freaks - Sorry about this one. Just got attached when I was a kid; what a crazy pile of shit. Hope Perello directed, and she gets a nod for being second unit director on Puppetmaster, too.
8) In My Skin - Marina de Van is messed up. Body horror warning.
7) Boxing Helena - Jennifer Lynch is daddy's little girl, taking the reins on a movie that thrilled me to no end when I was a wee lad. I didn't know until recently that it was David Lynch's directory daughter at the helm.
6) The Slumber Party Massacre - Amy Holden Jones plays parody with the slasher genre, while still staying pretty close to the bloody cuff. 
5) Surveillance - Jennifer Lynch again, this time with a serial killer thriller thing. Mature and well-executed.
4) Ravenous - Antonia Bird plays fast and loose with the Donner Party, giving us a period piece gore fest that somehow still manages to fly under most horror fans' radars. Perhaps my favorite Robert Carlyle performance.
3) Pet Sematary - Maybe the lost child of solid Stephen King adaptations, Mary Lambert does wonders with this story on screen, creating a number of chilling moments that deserve our respect. (By the way, her Tales From the Crypt Episode 'Collection Completed' is awesome.)
2) American Psycho - Mary Harron adapts Bret Easton Ellis's terrific novel into a silver screen slay-ride starring the only man for the job, Christian Bale.
1) Near Dark - My second favorite vampire movie ever made, Kathryn Bigelow tells a classic vampire love story in a not so classic way. Here, vampires are nomadic and raw, and the killin' is easy.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Karyn Kusama for Jennifer's Body, Julie Delpy for The Countess, Rachel Talalay for Freddy's Dead, The Soska Twins for American Mary, Laura Lau for Silent House and Barbara Peeters for Humanoids From the Deep.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Question: Who are your favorite female country western stars?

Holy shit.

The fa├žade is about to be dropped. Here it comes, here comes the dropping, and we're doing it and...

I don't listen to country music. Here are the female country stars I know in the order they popped into my mind.

Loretta Lynn
Reba McEntire
Melissa Lambert

Wait, no, it's Miranda Lambert.

Sorry to disappoint. Often, if I even know a little, I'll make a run at something for humour's sake, but in this case I can safely say that I don't even know enough to find any humor, other than Reba McEntire's hilarious sitcom that I've seen no seconds of.

I know that Jack White likes Loretta Lynn, so that makes her the winner.

Oh, hold on. Does Shania Twain count? 'Cause I would fuck her until someone called an ambulance.

Short Answer: Just kidding! I know everything. Here's my Top Ten:

10) Tammy Wynette
9) Alison Krauss
8) Loretta Lynn
7) Linda Ronstadt
6) Barbara Mandrell
5) Emmylou Harris
4) Bonnie Raitt
3) K.D. Lang
2) Patsy Cline
1) Dolly Parton

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Question: What are you going to do for your wife's birthday?

I dunno. I didn't make any plans. Was I supposed to? I just assumed she'd rub her naked breasts against the back of my head all morning, then prepare pizza while bottomless, and maybe spend the afternoon being amazed - yet again - by how robust my wiener is.

Birthdays are hard on everyone.

My wife's old now, so I don't think I have to do anything. She'll curl up in front of the fire and when she looks forlorn I'll rub her belly for a bit.

I did buy her a bunch of mediocre presents. That should take up fourteen to sixteen minutes.

One time for her birthday I took her to the gun range to shoot guns. That was a fun day. Sad that the next time I take her to the 'gun range' it's probably going to be to have her put down. Can't release her back into the wild, she would never survive. Not bottomless.

Short Answer: Do bears like pizza? They have to shit something in the woods.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Question: What would you say was the most sexually provocative/ambiguous cartoon of the 90s?

I think the Ambigously Gay Duo from SNL and Robert Smigel might fit your bill. In the sense that it is by far the most sexually provocative and ambiguous. I mean, ambiguous is right there in the title!

The Duo first appeared on the Dana Carvey show, then moved to Saturday Night Live. Did you know that they were voiced by none other than Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert?

The show featured some pretty awesome bits, probably best summed up by their penis and balls shaped car getting stuck trying to go through a tunnel, having to back up and try again and again to squeeze through until finally succeeding.

I remember a few years back they did a live version that was hilarious, with John Hamm and Jimmy Fallon. Look up, 'The Dark, Clenched Hole of Evil' if you want to see that crazy business.

Short Answer: Lots of shows had sexual content I guess, but I think the above answer is about as spot on as we're going to get.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Question: What are some of your favorite childhood memories?

I remember embarrassing my grandmother by running through the house with no pants on when she had company over.

Wait, does 23 count as childhood? Get it? See what I did there? Yea, you did. Anyway...

I remember watching a few scenes from Halloween when I was very young with my uncles, before my mom dragged me from the room. I'll never forget that, and I still remember the dream I had about it later that night. It's undoubtedly responsible for shaping me into the horror fiend that I am today.

Other stuff... I remember walking home in a crazy east coast blizzard in a snowsuit where the wind was so strong that I could barely make a half step and it took me forever to climb the hill up to my grandmother's house. Where I promptly undressed and ran through the house with no pants on. That last bit is a joke.

I remember that I would play Rick Springfield on my little chalkboard, pretending it was a guitar, and I remember being so stupid that when I'd watch Dukes of Hazard on TV, I'd say "Aw, I missed it," when the credits rolled at the end, because I actually thought I'd missed it.

I used to call my pillow my 'paw' for some reason, and I loved tying a towel around my neck, fastened with a clothespin, and playing The Greatest American Hero.

I guess these are all earliest memories, as opposed to favorite memories. I guess I fucked up. I should've learned to read properly before I started a blog.

Now I feel like I should be answering the actual question.

Short Answer: The feeling passed rather quickly.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Question: Captivate me with your effervescence.

It says right at the top: Ask Keith Anything. It even says something like: "If you want to ask a question..."

Questions! No, I get it. I accept whatever comes in and I treat it like a question no matter what, but that doesn't mean we should all just give up on the premise. If your wife is fucking two dudes at an orgy, and you aren't one or two of those dudes, are you gonna sulk, or are you gonna go fuck two dudes of your own?


So prepare to be captivated.

Short Answer: (fart)

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Question: I hate having to make love. Would you help me describe this horrible chore to my friends?

That sounds like another round of...


Here goes absolutely nothing:

flushing the corn dog
to 'touch it awkward'
using the rear entrance
walking the gunt plank
forklift rodeo
to 'wade in the cesspool'
balance your order while rollerskating
hop the steam engine
digging around for coal
people planting
the brown Houdini
the 'miner inconvenience'
canary in a butthole
the snickerdoer
toasted plop farts
ride the backhoe
season the cavity
watching the neighbors
the caramel swirl
playing 'how many fingers?'
saddling the angry walrus
cough and tug
the rowboat conundrum or 'forcing your way up stream'

Short Answer: Poon Dance

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Question: You seem to attract many beautiful women. How many ladies do you couple with on a daily basis?

You're right to assume that I attract many beautiful women. I also attract many ugly women, and many fatties, but I understand why most aren't interested in those.

As for how many I allow into my 'thorough rogering area', I'd say about zero to zero ladies, give or take the year, the temperature, and whether or not my wife is at home.

Don't get me wrong, I arrive while looking at hot ladies of the internet on a daily basis. How often I do does not rely on whether or not my wife is home, because I'm comfortable giving it the one-two even if she's there. We have a good arrangement in that way; I touch myself and she doesn't have to.

Now I don't want to burst your bubble. You should be in awe of my ability to attract the non-monogamy tang to my doorstep; I just choose not to sex them up, because my wife would rather I sexed her up the most. An antiquated concept perhaps, but it's an arrangement that has worked for us so far.

Except for all those times I got face jobs at the bus depot.

Short Answer: My wife will let me do anything as long as there's an entertaining story about it later.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Question: Dear Keith: should one embark upon a romantic relationship without the presence of physical attraction?

That all depends on two things.

Cans and can.

Ever notice that? That some people call boobs cans, and some people call a butt a can? Why the fuck do we like cans so much? Why is it so necessary to preserve foods through the winter, and is that sexual? Why is jamming hot, wet peaches into a tin....oh, there it is.

If you're not physically attracted to someone, but they still have nice boobs and a tasteful rear, you can probably still manage to fill a boner well enough to craft some sort of fuckery. The real problem is if the reason you're not attracted to them is because they have no equipment. That will not change. Lake of stimulation from the boobal and buttal areas is a hard thing to replace.

I mean, cuddling is fun, and going to movies and not being alone, but if you can't bring yourself to make out with someone because of their extra nipple, or that tiny bit of leprosy, or because when they got their balls removed they left behind a little flap of wrinkly skin, eventually you're going to find yourself in a platonic situation the likes of which would make a horny philosopher resort to scroll fuckery.

"I can't read this; the scroll seems to be stuck together."

That shit actually happened. Anyway, you can definitely love someone without wanting to bang them; it's just whether or not they can respect your need to frequently visit well-stacked whores.

Short Answer: Physical attraction can grow, I think. If you can fuck a tube of parchment, you can probably fuck a lady with a mustache.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Question: Funky cold what?

Oh boy.

I'm not sure any good can come of this. Basically, the potion in that video (for the song Funky Cold Medina, in case you don't get it) makes people fall in love, but giving someone a concoction at a bar to make them 'love' you veers awfully close to roofie-style maneuvers. And date rape isn't all that funny; though I guess it was kinda cool at the time or something. Ask Tone Loc.

Did you know that song has samples from You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet by BTO, Hot Blooded by Foreigner, Christine Sixteen by Kiss and Honkey Tonk Women by the Rolling Stones? (If wiki can be trusted, and it can't.) How the hell was that not plagiarism? I knew samples were prevalent in the hippity-hop music, but I thought it was just one hook stolen, not a shit load of popular shit.

Whatever. That's enough time wasted on this piece of shit song that I couldn't care about even if it was the only thing keeping my grandmother alive.

Short Answer: I like when he gets humped by his own dog.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Question: Who is the sexiest man alive?

To include myself, or exclude myself...tough decision.

So my wife just got up as I was writing this, so I'm gonna let her in on it. She knows sexy men because she's married to me, and I resemble all of her following favorites, especially in the well-defined pecs area.

Hugh Jackman
Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Gosling
Idris Elba
Colin Farrell
Justin Timberlake
Chris Hemsworth
Johnny Depp
George Clooney
Brad Pitt
Taye Diggs
Leonardo Dicaprio
Matt Damon
Tom Hardy
Liev Shrieber
Jon Hamm
Jude Law
Channing Tatum
Gary Oldman
Chris Pine
Michael Ealy (whose name sounds like an instrument if you ask me)
Tom Hiddleston

Now, for my own list.

I still think James Spader is sexy, despite his age. Same goes for Tom Selleck. I'd still polish Kiefer Sutherland's knob and take a chew at the nutsack of any number of men named Jason Patric. I think Ben Foster is attractive because he's so talented, and same goes for Giovanni Ribisi. And of my wife's list, I definitely agree with Jackman, Reynolds, Hemsworth, Farrell, Hardy, Schrieber, Hamm and Oldman. I would totally watch all those guys make a cross-country train trip inside my wife's vagina.

I also find Bobby Moynihan from SNL attractive. What?

I think it's also important to note that I would totally obliterate the backside of Gerard Butler and Jason Momoa and Peter Dinklage. And by that I mean, let them dominate me while I wear suspenders and a bra.

As for the sexiest man alive? I've had some time to think about it, and I've decided not to exclude myself. It wouldn't be in the proper spirit of the blog to answer incorrectly, despite the obvious conflict of interest. So, the sexist man alive, for the thirty-fifth year running is...

Short Answer: Me.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Question: Can Toucan Sam Slam A Man In A Jam?

I felt this started out strong, but I'm not sure what 'a man in a jam' is.

In theory, Toucan Sam could slam someone, but it would probably have to be another cartoon character or a child, because Toucan Sam is a toucan, and therefore not all that large.

So to think that a toucan could 'slam' a full grown 'man' is folly. Now if said 'man' was in some sort of 'jam', that might up the percentages. If that jam was a financial one, again, unlikely that Toucan Sam would have any luck due to lack of physical strength by comparison. But if the aforementioned 'jam' was a physical impediment, like he'd lost all his limbs in a terrible accident, then the torso to toucan ratio might work out in Toucan Sam's favor, and the slamming could commence.

Now if 'slamming a man in a jam' means 'fucking a dude in his butt crack area' I'm pretty sure Toucan Sam is all about that, so the answer would be yes.

Short Answer: I like to imagine a wrestling ring full of jam, and Toucan Sam tries to pick up the huge guy to body slam him, but then gets crushed when the guy's weight is too much and he falls over on top of him. But maybe, just maybe, Toucan Sam's beak tears through the guys stomach, impaling him, and they die together, all romantic like. In jam.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Question: Damn. You got a mouth on you, boy.

And an anus.

Not sure what's going on here. Can't quite decipher a question from that. I guess it's a commentary on the fact that I can be harsh with my tongue. I can be:

lip swift
curse heavy
racially oriented
proportionally sexist
cock jawed
vehemently accented
toothsomely offensive
tongue poignant
profoundly cheeky
boob faced
ball licky
raspberry to the dome like
I can lose my train of thought
Hop another train
Fall asleep and miss my station
Wake up in ass to mouth town and give a free fucking lesson in what it is to take it like a woman and suck it like a man and then get paid, yo!


Short Answer: I think if there's no question mark I have carte blanche. That's the white one.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Question: What's your favorite breakfast cereal?

Get ready to be blown away!

All-Bran! Yea, that's right. All-Bran buds, specifically. You wanna know why? Because I need the fibre to keep from aggravating my poo-hole when I have a rumpus-flare. Yea. Favorite by necessity. Livin' the dream!

I think I like Mini-Wheats the best, though in truth I'm not much of a cereal person. Not having the most ginormous sweet tooth, I've never been one to go in for all the captain's of crunch and the chocolate Fogelbergs and the Burt Bacharach-Os.

What the fuck is going on?

Froot Loops are dumb. I'm more of a Multigrain Cheerios kinda cat. Ya dig?

Seriously, this has to stop immediately.

Short Answer: I've been kinda digging on the new wave of chocolaty cereals, so I like to add a little of that to whatever fibre atrocity I'm compiling for later.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Question: Best of Robin Williams.

Just gonna do movies.

Top Ten Robin Williams - Movie Roles

10) Good Morning Vietnam - Maybe the most remembered and revered of his early stuff, the wartime shock jock Adrian Cronauer catapulted Robin Williams beyond Mork level stardom. Also, his first Oscar nomination for Best Actor.
9) Awakenings - As Dr. Malcolm Sayer, he held his own against the great Robert De Niro, making an argument that he was also one of the greats of his generation.
8) The Fisher King - His third best actor nomination was for being crazy Parry.
7) Hook - Is there a better actor over the last thirty years at playing a kid all grown up?
6) The World According To Garp - This movie is an emotional ride, a terrible, haunting thing to go through. Robin as Garp - as is often the case - is the film's heart.
5) One Hour Photo - Strange and lonely, Seymour Parrish falls for a family and a life he can't have for himself.
4) Bicentennial Man - Again, I can think of no one better to play a robot that learns to feel.
3) Mrs. Doubtfire - Iconic for its ridiculousness, it took more than a little talent to create the titular old lady.
2) Dead Poets Society - His second best actor Oscar nod came from his portrayal of the inspirational teacher, John Keating. "Oh captain, my captain."
1) Good Will Hunting - Again, the emotional center of the film, Robin finally got his Oscar for playing unlikely mentor Sean Maguire. This is the performance I thought of right away when I heard he'd died, because it shows his skill, humour, tenderness and range beyond all his other roles.

Short Answer: The Birdcage, Insomnia, Death to Smoochy, The Final Cut, Cadillac Man...

Monday, August 11, 2014

Question: Proletariat?

I don't watch horse racing.

Short Answer: I'm not sure if this question was asking if I'm a proletariat or if it just wanted to kick off a discussion about proletariats. Problem is, in today's America, is there any topic more depressing than the working masses in the engine room of the great capitalism beast?

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Question: Who dat, who dat?

Errr...someone about to kill you for being a knob?

Is this a song lyric or some sort of hip new way that the youths are communicating? I'm out of the loop, I guess.

Okay, okay, I Search Engined it and found out it may be a reference to an Iggy Azalea song, which I must admit I suspected. I had come across the song in a Social Media feed not too long ago. I swear if it wasn't for Social Media feeds I would be in a cave listening to Tiptoe Through the Tulips on a fucking phonograph.

Wait, that's a scene from Insidious. Oh, fuck. Apparently everything I say or do is from something else. Guess I need a bigger boat.

So, as for who dat is, I'm unsure. I can't understand most of the lyrics in the song, and since Weird Al put out 'Handy' everything I hear of Ms. Azalea's sounds like a parody of itself. That's what happens. Weird Al is an insidious monster.

I only thought to say that because I'd used the word insidious already in this post. That's disappointing. I'm now plagiarizing myself in real time.

I'm starting to think that I might be the dat whom the questioner is referring to.

Short Answer: Iggy Azalea makes me feel old and tired.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Question: Who are the best horror movie directors working today and what are their best films?

Lotsa great dudes making horror movies all the time. Difficult part here is do horror directors - to be categorized as such - need to mostly make horror movies? Probably. Let's see.

Alexander Aja is the first that comes to mind. Excited for Horns, his next one. As for his best, I'd pick Piranha because of how ridiculously well-handled it was, but most would probably say either High Tension or the The Hills Have Eyes remake.

Guillermo Del Toro is an interesting thought. Don't know if he's got a real, balls to the wall horror movie left in him, but he did direct Chronos once upon a time.

Despite Michael Haneke's recent Oscar attention, I still think he'll continue in mind-bending, genre-bending ways, so he's definitely to be included. My favorite is probably Funny Games, though Benny's Video, Hidden and The White Ribbon are on par.

Martin Scorcese. Yep. With Taxi Driver, Cape Fear and Shutter Island under his belt, don't be surprised that I think of him as a current director capable of working within the genre.

Roman Polanski. Again, not thought of as a horror director, but you never know what he's going to do next. Repulsion and Rosemary's Baby are his best horror offerings.

Is John Carpenter ever going to make another great horror film? Don't know. Doesn't matter. Halloween is one of the greatest horror movies ever made.

David Cronenberg, like Haneke, seems to be moving further into the mainstream. But that doesn't changed what they've accomplished, or their potential to frighten us anew. The Fly is a masterpiece of horror.

Sam Raimi's still kicking. Drag Me to Hell was fun. No Evil Dead, but fun. Feels like I should mention David Lynch, too. You know, Fire Walk With Me and junk. Oh, and Katheryn Bigelow. Near Dark to Zero Dark Thirty. Be nice to see her go back to the genre.

Enough of the old boy's club. Let's go with a quick list of all the exciting newer-ish talent.

Kiyoshi Kurosawa. Pulse.
Takashi Shimizu. Ju-On.
James Wan. Insidious.
Hideo Nakata. Ringu.
Kim Jee-Woon. I Saw the Devil.
Bong Jooh-Ho. Mother.
James Watkins. Eden Lake.
Bustillo and Maury. Inside.
Ti West. The House of the Devil.
Chan-Wook Park. Oldboy.
Rob Zombie. House of 1000 Corpses.
Takashi Miike. Gozu.
Neil Marshall. The Descent.
Balaquero and Plaza. Rec.
Yoshihiro Nishimura. Suicide Club.
Banjong Pisanthanakun. Shutter.
Simon Rumley. Red, White and Blue.
Marcel Sarmiento. Dead Girl.
The Mo Brothers. Macabre.
Tom Six. The Human Centipede.
Pascal Laugier. Martyrs.
Lucky McKee. May.
J.A. Bayona. The Orphanage.
Tomas Alfredson. Let the Right One In.
Tommy Wirkola. Dead Snow.
Giorgios Lanthimos. Dogtooth.
Panos Cosmatos. Beyond the Black Rainbow.
Franck Khalfoun. Maniac.
Matt Reeves. Cloverfield.
John Erick Dowdle. Quarantine.
Jennifer Lynch. Boxing Helena.
Brandon Cronenberg. Antiviral.

Short Answer: A lot of great debuts happen with horror movies, but the directors either don't stick to the genre or they don't have another original idea in them. So there's some promise out there that is going to take a little time to register on a list like this. I could probably mention ten or fifteen names that had solid debuts, but the ones I have mentioned continued on and are at work in the genre as we speak. Or at least at work. Or I just like one of their movies a lot. Shut up!

Friday, August 8, 2014

Question: My dog won't stop crying at night. What do I do?

Uh-oh. I like dogs a lot, and that makes me sad, and it's hard to find it funny when a dog is sad or I'm sad.

Hug it more? Give it all the pizza it wants? Milkshakes?

If the dog is young, it just might be sadness from being wrenched away from its mother for the first time and forever. Nice work. But in this case, the dog will eventually stop.

You might just have a howler, or a breed that likes to yap. Best to give it more exercise and then maybe it'll sleep better at night.

Geez. This isn't very funny at all.

Kick it?

Short Answer: That made me feel super bad. The things I do for comedy.

Note: Please don't kick your dog.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Question: Who would you like to see in the new Stars Wars movie?

Let's see...

Darth Ept
Darth Convenienced
Darth Soluble
Darth Do-China
Darth Valid
Darth Opportune Time
Darth Grown Toenail
Darth Appropriate Behaviour
Darth Bred
Darth Spirational Quotes

I guess Darth Omnibus isn't the same, but that's funny.

Darth Stagram
Darth Vestment Banker
Darth Consequential

"What if we're all midichlorians inside a huge Jedi?" Darth Ception!

I wouldn't mind seeing Jar-Jar Binks, either.

Short Answer: Darth Sidious is fucking stupid, is my point. How the fuck do you make that decision? Then Darth Ominous? Holy fuck. Star Wars is supposed to be cool, ya fuckin' nerds.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Question: How would you domesticate a shark?

First, you gotta let the shark know who's boss, and that he's no longer the apex predator of his environment. This is a great opportunity to scratch 'shark rape' off your bucket list.

Next, give that fucker a silly sounding name. Like Gobbleshark the Clown, or Tits Ahoy, or Muffinstuffs. Then tickle his belly when he frowns, and say, "You know you like it. Yes you do! Who's a good Muffinstuffs?"

After this, it should be easy. Just make sure you change his water once in a while, and don't forget to feed him humans.

Short Answer: And don't try to walk your shark. It has no legs; that's a clue. If I had a nickel for every dead shark I saw on the sidewalk...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Question: Did you watch the commonwealth games?

I turned on the station once, but there was a commercial. I think that counts. If it was the Olympics that wouldn't count, but for the Commonwealth Games, it counts.

It's funny. I remember when I was a kid the Commonwealth Games were a big deal, because I was indoctrinated by the stupid little world around me to think that it meant something to be part of the Queen's England or whatever.

Turns out, the whole world doesn't give a fuck, and it kinda feels like the last fingertip grip of a long dead empire, trying to hold onto tradition so as not to get buried by time and history.

Also, without the involvement of the typically dominant countries of other sporting events (again: Olympics), it feels a little bit like the B-team out there going for a run.

But I'm sure they had fun.

Short Answer: I don't think the commonwealth is very relevant, if the only time you hear the word is for this brief time every four(?) years. Also, I don't mean to be a dick, but English occupation kinda fucked a bunch of places up. Is that part of this celebration? Fine to look at Canada and say 'You guys are alright!' Not everyone has been so lucky under British rule.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Question: Just almost died laughing reading your Dec 2011 post about movie poop movie titles. Can you do something like that again?

First off, here's the link to what this dude/dudette is on about:

Wow. I have been making poop jokes online since December 'll? That makes me feel old. So does touching my own penis and watching it shrug itself into half-life, but whatever.

I've been given quite a bit of freedom here...nope, let's do the obvious.

Top Twenty Movie Titles for Pees I Take, Have Taken, Will Take

20) Hot Fuzz
19) Black Snake Moan
18) Partly Cloudy
17) How To Train Your Dragon
16) The Wiz
15) In The Bedroom
14) Sitting Pretty
13) The Shakiest Gun in the West
12) Snowpiercer
11) On Golden Pond
10) Splash
9) Yellow Submarine (there might be a log involved here, as well)
8) The River Wild
7) There Will Be Blood
6) Goldfinger
5) Sweet Smell of Success
4) After the Sunset, Middle of the Night, Before Sunrise (prostate issues)
3) Islands in the Stream
2) While You Were Sleeping
1) City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Hard Target, Bubble Boy, In My Pocket

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Question: Did you watch the first season of Penny Dreadful?

Tough to answer questions like this, other than to be brazen and one-word the hell out of it.


But I don't really feel the need to go into any sort of spoilers, just in case. And I don't think there were any twists or surprises that really got me hyped up enough to talk about them anyway.

I like the fact that the world of Penny Dreadful is populated with gothic atrocities and familiar characters from classic horror fiction. Who wouldn't? I enjoyed the season overall, but found some of the single episodes distracting from the overall storyline. Not to say that some of the single episode themes weren't great: my favorite episode of the year was delving into the history of Miss Ives. I just found that the time spent with each of the storylines was a bit meager, and therefore my connection to the characters and the world was lacking. I didn't have much of a reaction to the finale, though again, I did enjoy it.

There were some great moments, most of them sad and disappointing turns in the plot. Not to say that's a bad thing, just that the enjoyable moments are rather harrowing, and there is no levity for balance. Truly dreadful in its construction, is a nice way to say it.

One final critique. Not sure if this is just because of all the genre things I've consumed, but I found the show very predictable. There are only so many places these short little stories can go, if they don't have space to breathe and develop their own life. Sometimes knowing and going along for the ride is great. In this case, it was only okay.

Short Answer: Kind of refreshing to see a humorless show, and to see them treat these monsters with such respect.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Question: My wife is often depressed. What can I do?

More anal?

Most women are depressed in their relationships because men are selfish assholes who don't do shit. Some women are depressed in their relationships because they're selfish assholes who don't do shit. The key to a successful marriage is that both parties have to stop being selfish assholes and start doing shit. That's what a partnership is, doing things for the person you love, and in this case, I don't mean yourself.

That means a lot of listening and talking, so it's clear that you understand each other's desires and motivations. A lot of stress comes from not knowing what it is your partner wants, or why they seem angry, or how many black guys and/or Asian women they've slept with recently.

Be on the same side, the same team, and make each other feel like you're there for support and understanding.

The anal will flow from there.

Short Answer: I kinda fucked up this post by using the words 'anal' and 'flow' in the same sentence, there.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Question: Without a urinal near by, shouldn't dudes just sit down to pee?

I may have told this story before. Feel free to be angry all by yourself in front of your computer or at work in front of your co-workers or in front of wherever you're standing with your phone. Probably a fast food joint, you pig.

One time I worked at a job. True story. At said job, one day the manager emerged from his managerial perch or wherever the fuck managers spend their time, and informed us that he no longer enjoyed cleaning the bathroom, and that from now on, all the male employees were expected to pee sitting down.

Apparently, there was a splash about issue. I for one, not being a criminal and therefore not wishing to be treated like one, balked at this idea. First, my aim is just fine. But secondly, and more importantly, fuck you! What business is it of yours what I do in the bathroom? No one makes Baby sit down to take a pee, no one!

Only a petty manager at a small retail outlet would have the gumption to think his power reached so far as my dick. It did not. I told the guy to stuff some things up into some other things, and let him know that I wished the things that were being stuffed would stay in the stuffee permanently.

Besides all that, apparently sitting down to pee is easier on your prostate.

Short Answer: I'd probably sit in the urinal if you let me.