Thursday, July 31, 2014

Question: Why are people so fascinated by fireworks?

A question after my own heart.

As per usual, I know the answer. People love pretty colors and loud noises because they are idiots.

It's why you can distract someone by jingling your keys, or make someone do what you want by having the proper reaction.

Example: My wife and I went to the casino yesterday. They stop my wife to ID her, and she'd just gotten her license renewed, so all she had was that little yellow piece of paper. The guy starts to make a big deal out of it, and so I laugh at him. He feels stupid, because he realizes he might be way off base, and says 'don't worry about it' and lets us through.

This may or may not be related to the question, but it proves a point. That guy loves fireworks.

Short Answer: Yea, it does to make sense. Oh, look! What's that in the sky? Yea, that's what I thought.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Question: What's all the hullaballoo?

Yea, sorry about that. It's just that when your birth mother and I make love, it often becomes very primal. It's not that she's sexually repressed when she's with other men (and women) it's that I open her up in ways she could never have dreamed.

I'm working' chakras, son.

Short Answer: That noise is me makin' your moms pregnant. Get ready to have a much younger sibling.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Question: Vancouver is looking for a poet laureate. Will you throw your hat in the ring?

They can't handle my shit!

Pretty sure if this is the truth, they'll be looking for someone with a little more acumen, as well as a person who knows what the word 'acumen' means.

They'll want someone who's higher profile, in terms of what they've accomplished. I don't think the amount of hours I've put into Skyrim is going to make all that much of a difference.

I found it funny that this question was talking about poetry, and then used a simple cliché like 'throw your hat in the ring.' If I didn't point this out, they would revoke my poetry license and I'd never be able to throw my hat again. They'd take my hat.

There are a bunch of poets out there who 'write a lot of poetry' and 'publish books of poetry' and 'read their poetry often to real people and not just an assembly of their troll dolls'. I can't compete with that shit.

Short Answer: My problem - in terms of exposure and connections - is that I don't like gathering with others poets. I don't mind reading my own work, but have you heard poetry before? It kinda sucks.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Question: Why do fools fall in love?

On July 3, 2012, I was asked exactly this question.

Here's the answer:

I know this is bound to happen more and more often, but I haven't really developed a strategy yet for who to deal with it. Besides typing who when I mean how, that is.

Here's a different answer:

Fools fall in love because they're fools, and falling is what fools do best. Ever seen someone try something really stupid and then they fall, often hurting their own face?

That's the thing I'm talking about.

Smart people don't so much fall in love, as they pay prostitutes to bathe them and help them into their footy pajamas.

Short Answer: People don't realize it, but if you are expected to fuck for money, and you're asked to do anything else - literally anything else - you're pretty stoked. A prostitute will totally go to Home Depot with you if you need a second pair of hands.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Question: Ever heard of Sideboob Sunday?

Yea I've seen it on Twitter, in relation to comedian Doug Benson. I'm more into Arm Flab Friday, and Make a Pair of Boobs From your Back Fat Memorial Day, and Cankles Brunch Arbor Day, and New Years Puddin' Hips, and Quasimodo Wednesday, and Long Ball Weekend, and Ass Crack Chanukah, and Back of Knee Family Day, and...

Short Answer: You know what's better than side boob? The entire damn boob!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Question: If you were me, what would you ask?

How have I gotten this far with such a small penis/wide vagina?
Why do I always feel like I'm being disrespected in the workplace?
Why do I always use euphemisms like 'workplace' to refer to my anus?
When will I find happiness at the bottom of this ice cream tub?
Why do I refer to my significant other with euphemisms like 'ice cream tub'?
Why don't I start my own blog and write about what I'm passionate about?
Why is '' already taken?
Where did I leave my dignity? I had it when I came in here, I swear.
How do hyper color shirts work?
What time did I go to sleep?
How much sleep did I get, exactly?
Am I getting enough sleep? Is that the problem?
Why do melons always have huge, traditional weddings?
Is it because they cantaloupe?
Could you define the parameters of a sustainable global economy, run by and for the people without the interference of large businesses?
Where does poop go?
If you put a cork in your butt, will you die?
When the cork comes out, will you fizz like champagne? Pop, perhaps?
Is this chinchilla gang bang legal?
Why isn't Cole Hauser a huge movie star?
Would salsa flavored ice cream be a big seller?
What if you put in a tortilla cone?
Is a giraffe as tall as I think it is?
Why did I tell everybody I loved Gravity even though it was boring and lifeless?
Should I go to the doctor after the hobo-job I just got? Did I overpay?

Short Answer: I wonder what kind of short answer I'll get? Will it be the kind that's an actual short answer to the original question, or just a summary of the blog post? Maybe the kind that just makes an extra joke?

Friday, July 25, 2014

Question: What are your top ten documentary films?

Quite possibly the most difficult question I've ever been asked. On this blog, I mean. The most difficult question I've ever been asked in real life is what is your least favorite food. It took me a while, but the answer was a chicken drumstick - stripped of meat - wound in human hair (cotton candy style) and dipped in beef au jus.


Top Ten Documentary Films

Here's a blurb. There are a lot of great documentary films out there that don't try to entertain you. They're just solid journalism, cut together for maximum information transfer and emotional resonance. These are the best of the biz. Sadly, if I make the top ten all those it's just a list of horrors of our time. So I'm allowing myself to be swayed by some other styles of documentaries, that aren't just reflections of what humanity does to itself all the time when they're at the naughty business.

Note: Okay, this is officially ridiculous. I knew there were a lot of great documentaries, but holy shit birds. The well is deep, my sons. And I'm not just talking, 'oh yea, that wonderful documentary.' I'm talking, 'holy shit, I loved that movie!' Let's go to twenty, see how we do.

Top Twenty Documentary Films

20) This Film is Not Yet Rated (2006) An expose on the ridiculous MPAA ratings system.
19) Blackfish (2013) A look inside the life of a whale in captivity, through the stories of the trainers. Are some fish just bad eggs, or are we creating giant psychopaths?
18) The Thin Blue Line (1988) The mandatory Errol Morris entry. He considers it his best film.
17) Hoop Dreams (1994) The first documentary I remember being impressed by; a look into a world that I knew nothing about, my favorite reason to watch documentaries in the first place.
16) Beyond the Mat (1999) A behind the scenes story of the hardships faced by professional wrestlers. Some heart-wrenching stuff captured in this one, like the scene where Mick Foley's kids are crying because they think he's really getting hurt. And he is.
15) Grizzly Man (2005) The mandatory Werner Herzog entry. That dude liked bears too much. We all saw that shit coming.
14) Samsara (2011) The 'koyaanisqatsi' style movie entry. I liked this newer one a little more than Baraka.
13) Catfish (2010) I had a very particular and strange experience with this movie. I didn't know anything about it, and thought it was a fictional horror film. When it wasn't, I was doubly blown away by the reveal.
12) Marwencol (2010) A difficult movie to describe. A brain-damaged man creates a 1/6 replica World War 2 town to help himself heal. Not so difficult, I guess.
11) Deliver us From Evil (2006) Here's a classic example of what I was discussing above: the horrors of mankind. Priest touches children, doesn't seem to get it. Wants a hug from the victims still. Gross.
10) The Cove (2009) We hang with some activists trying to uncover the conspiracy behind a shit ton of dolphin murders. Triumphant and terrible.
9) Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist (1997) Writer and performance artist Bob Flanagan dies of cystic fibrosis while we watch. I'll never forget the huge jar of mucous.
8) Brother's Keeper (1992) Complex and engaging story of four brothers, uneducated farmers, living a small and simple life. One dies, and another is accused of the murder. Crazy shit unfolds.
7) Jodorowsky's Dune (2013) Holy shit. Jodorowsky is nuts, but he gets people all riled up for his crazy business. The amount of talent he puts together, the amount of balls and ambition he shows. It's a movie that could never have been made, because it would've instantly impregnated all the other movies.
6) The King of Kong (2007) Some documentaries are meant to be. Just start telling a story about video games, and hilarious real life characters emerge. This movie has everything.
5) Awful Normal (2004) A woman filmmaker directs her own story of abuse, and lets us come along as she confronts the man who nearly ruined her life over twenty-five years beforehand.
4) Food Inc. (2008) Shining a light on how we eat in the western world, how we treat our animals, and how little we give a shit is a sobering thing to sit through.
3) Bowling for Columbine (2002) This isn't the mandatory Michael Moore entry. This film is very, very good, and very, very relevant.
2) The Bridge (2006) A shit ton of people go to the Golden Gate Bridge every year to jump off it and kill themselves. Documentary go.
1) Inside Job (2010) This is my favorite documentary ever because it explained - in a way that everyone and their dog could understand - just how the financial crisis was perpetrated by American banks, a crime that has sent shock waves through the world's economy and shone a bright light on our inability as a society to stop the greedy and the corrupt from doing whatever they please.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions too long to list. If you have a favorite doc, assume it's on there somewhere.

Docs I Forgot (that probably could be in my top twenty): Overnight (2003), Lost in La Mancha (2002), American Movie (1999), Empire of Dreams (2004), Grass (1999)

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Question: There aren't enough boobs on your blog.

I know, right?

I try to keep my boob-life away from my work-life as much as possible. When I don't, I end up writing the raunchiest sex scenes you can imagine. It's tough to be a huge perv for lady parts and also have the ability to make up characters that I can make do whatever I want. We're lucky that every one of my stories isn't about a contest where strong, independent, beautiful women have to race to undress each other and then overcome the odds of an historic suck-off relay.

To be honest, I find the idea of anything other than words on my blog distasteful. I even feel weird when I post a link on the blog. The point is that in a world dominated by info-graphs, and gifs and video and jpegs and what have you, there are still places that are just about the words. I may not be Shakesbeard, but I'm dedicated to being a writer first and foremost. I know for a fact that there are times when a visual representation would heighten the humor (a la Cracked) but would it heighten the art?

Would it?

Short Answer: Art?

Note: Sorry. My computer keeps autocorrecting 'fart'.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Question: I heard someone call Sisyphus a bitch... Was he?

For those not in the Greek know, Sisyphus was the dude who was such a crap-weasel that he was sentenced to push a boulder up a hill, then forced to watch it roll back down over and over again just before it reached the top.

Yea, he was a little bitch.

First of all he had a bunch of kids with a nymph. Weak.

He chained Thanatos up so that no one could die (just like that Simpson's episode) then bitched out when Ares came to save the day.

Then he was all like "When I die, wife, throw me naked into the town square." So she does, and when he gets to the shores of the river Styx he's all like, "Oh, but my wife disrespected me. Let me go back."


Eventually they nail him for being a massive douche and give him the rock thingy.

Despite is obvious bitch-ness, he's a favorite of artists and is often depicted carrying or pushing the boulder, which makes him look like a total badass.

Don't be fooled. There's a reason you're overhearing this stuff.

Short Answer: I heard you're a bitch. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Question: What are the best sci-fi movies you've seen since your 2012 list?

Interesting question. Here's that old post:

It holds up pretty well.

It requires mentioning once more that I left The Thing, The Fly and Alien off of that list because of Horror elements, though I may include them if I ever do an update. I used to have this thing where I thought movies had to primarily be one genre; that has changed. So what if Alien is near the top of a best of horror and a best of sci-fi list? Get over yourself, me!

Since 2012, I've seen Another Earth, Looper, Source Code, Limitless, John Carter, Prometheus, Cloud Atlas, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Oblivion, Hansel and Gretel, Real Steel, Super 8, Melancholia, Seeking A Friend For the End of the World, Iron Sky, Ender's Game, Battleship, Total Recall, Elysium, Gravity, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Pacific Rim, Her, After Earth, In Time, and finally went back and saw Tarkovskiy's Stalker.

Why did I just list a bunch of movies?

Here's a top ten list of films that've come out in the last few years that could eventually make my top fifty.

10) Total Recall - I liked it (he says with his fingers in his ears)
9) Melancholia - I hated this movie as much as I enjoyed it. Which was a lot.
8) Limitless - Super fun ride.
7) Pacific Rim - I wish this movie had taken itself 3 percent more seriously. Then the b-level dialogue would've been omitted, and I could've loved it as a masterpiece, rather than an overachieving monster movie.
6) Another Earth - What? Yea.
5) Star Trek: Into Darkness - I never felt like a trekkie or a trekker or whatever the fuck word I'm supposed to use. Now I know I'm not, because I loved this fucking movie.
4) Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Those monkeys are real! They are not CG, they are real!
3) Oblivion - Super solid Tom Cruise stuffs.
2) Looper - Better with each viewing. Really ambitious and fun.
1) Her - This movie works in every way movies are supposed to work.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention: Beyond the Black Rainbow, a movie that I couldn't possibly describe in a line that has as good a chance as any of the above movies of making it onto a list of my all-time favorites. And wait, is Antiviral science fiction? It is! That movie is fucking awesome. Antiviral!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Question: Are you the phonebooth-changing kind of super hero or the cave-brooding sort?

I'm the kind of superhero who beats people up for asking stupid questions.

What the fuck is a phone booth?

What the fuck is cave brooding?

You're really making me angry, and you won't like me when I'm angry in a booth or a cave!

What? What? Really?

Why would I change clothes in a box full of hobo pee? And is cave brooding something I'm not aware of, some sort of dance move or filthy sex act? What kind of superhero does filthy sex acts? (Though to be fair, if Superman wanted to try something a little freaky with Lois, maybe put one of those crystals where the yellow sun don't shine, it would be cool if he called it the 'phone booth'.)

Short Answer: Today, I will ask the questions! Blaharghghhg!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Question: What if they're watching you?

They're going to see a lot of jacking off.

Might as well watch a lonely monkey.

If someone's watching me, they shouldn't bother for long. I'm not doing anything interesting, unless a life of sitting in front of a computer, sitting in front of the TV and walking in between is interesting. Sometimes I go to the fridge. What's he gonna eat even though he isn't really hungry this time?

Let 'em watch, I say. They can learn a thing or two about having your balls out for no reason, or man's eternal struggle with late night sandwich making, or how to rush to the bathroom without loosing a fraction of impending poo.

Short Answer: I don't even care who they are. Unless they're the 'here's a million dollars for cutting yourself off from society' award people. Then I care. But could you slip the check under the door? I don't want to have to put pants on.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Question: I'm just putting the finishing touches on my manifesto, but I'm not sure what font to go with. Suggestions?

Wow. I guess the joke here is comic sans?

Got that off the internets. I've always been partial to Dauphin, myself, if I want to fancy things up.

But you should probably stick to Times New Roman or Arial, because those are the most accepted in the writing community, especially for manifestos.

I guess Helvetica is still pretty popular, right? The documentary is good. Or you could go with Trebuchet, because it will make everyone think of a catapult, and then they'll know to take your shit seriously.

Short Answer: Font is only important if it's shitty.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Question: What are the top ten buttons you would like to see added to TV remotes?

10) A button that checks the life of the batteries.
9) A button that regulates the volume no matter how loud any particular station is. Some TVs have this technology, but I think we need a handier situation.
8) A button that skips commercials properly and exactly.
7) A button that sends a message to your cable provider that something isn't working right, instead of all that cumbersome phone calling.
6) A button that tells you if the movie you're watching has been edited for length or content.
5) A button that fast forwards right to the nude scenes, so you don't have to watch the first hour of Under Siege before Erika Eleniak comes out of the cake.
4) A 'what the fuck did he just say?' button in case you miss something.
3) A button that skips the 'next time on this show' preview. That shit can ruin your life.
2) A button that tells you what shows in the listings are currently on commercials, so you don't flick over to Kickboxer and get a feminine hygiene lesson instead of a Van Damme dance routine.
1) A button that blanks out/turns off the ticker on sports shows, so you aren't forced to watch the hockey game before wrestling because you're afraid the score of the game is gonna come across the bottom of the screen during a perfect-plex. (This has happened to me many times. If I record a bunch of shit, I want to watch that shit in the order that suits me. Instead, I have to watch things chronologically because of all the fucking ticker spoilers. Sometimes I forget, and boom! Ruined.)

Short Answer: In a really intense and pervy world, there'd be a button for scenes in movies that don't show nudity, or shy away from nudity, or cut out the nudity, that brings up a menu screen of all the other times the actors have been naked, so you can select and see their dirty bits.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Question: Why the hell is there a "report abuse" button on your web form? Isn't that the whole point of your page?

I didn't even know this existed. I had to go check to see that you weren't fucking with me.

How do those things even work? Who's the one reporting abuse? What kind of abuse goes on? Do people just submit the form a million times or something? (By the way, I'd rather not find out.)

As for the point of my blog, I see myself as more of an educator. Someone's who's amassed the entire knowledge of the world (by glancing at the internet) and can put answers in specific sorts of perspectives, so that the information is more easily understood and digested. It's one thing to tell someone to brush their teeth; quite another to shame them into brushing their teeth by calling their mouth a leaking orifice that smells worse than a butthole filled with week-old baby scalps.

I don't consider any of it abuse. If you want to be abused, hire someone, or go to a page run by stupid people who give a shit about some agenda or other. This one's just about jokes.

Short Answer: Speaking of jokes, how many irate dandies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, I never!

Note: Just remembered that the tagline for my blog has the word abuse in it. Hypocrisy!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Question: I just listened to "You are a tourist" by Deathcab for cutie like it was the first time I'd heard it and it really shook me up. It may have been a time and place thing, but have you ever been deeply moved by a song's lyrics?

All Shook Up by Elvis?

As a writer, I definitely have an appreciation for lyrics. As for being shaken up by them, that's a little tougher for me. I can get excited about music, lyrics included, but it's rare for anything musical to affect me emotionally. So deeply moved might be a bit of a stretch for me.

I'm sitting here trying to think of lyrics that deeply move me, and I'm having trouble thinking of songs with lyrics. I mean, when I try to remember what I've reacted emotionally to over the years, it's often classical music. Or instrumentals like those done by Pink Floyd, or songs by bands like Sigur Ros that are sung in a different language.

I didn't think this would be so hard. Pink Floyd is a band that I've respected lyrically for a long time. The song 'Mother' from The Wall might be the most emotionally moving of the bunch, though as I've stated many times, Animals is my favorite album of all time, and Wish You Were Here has some pretty kick ass lyrics, too.

When I was a kid I responded emotionally to The Downward Spiral album by Nine Inch Nails. All that anger and frustration and angst goes hand in hand with being a teenager. Those lyrics were potent, but not overly sophisticated. Not the point, I know, and I'm not criticizing, it's just that now that I'm not a teenager, I crave a little more complexity.

If feeling happy counts as an emotional response, I find the music I respond most positively to is 80's music, but the lyrics of those songs that I love are often fairly simple. As example, one of my favorites is When In Rome's song, The Promise, which sounds like the lyrics were translated - and poorly - from some other language. And yet the cadence of chorus and the simplicity of the words totally do it for me. "I'm sorry but I'm just looking for the right words to say. I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. But if you'll wait around awhile I'll make you fall for me. I promise you. I promise you I will."

Yea, that's my jam.

Short Answer:

Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all of her fears into you.
Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Mama will keep baby cozy and warm.
Ooooh baby,
Of course mama's gonna help build the wall.

- Mother, The Wall, Pink Floyd

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green He leadeth me the silent waters by.
With bright knives He releaseth my soul.
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places.
He converteth me to lamb cutlets,
For lo, He hath great power, and great hunger.
When cometh the day we lowly ones,
Through quiet reflection, and great dedication
Master the art of karate,
Lo, we shall rise up,
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.

Bleating and babbling I fell on his neck with a scream.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.

- Sheep, Animals, Pink Floyd

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need.
You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street,
You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed.
And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight,
You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style.
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake,
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile.
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to,
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

- Dogs, Animals, Pink Floyd

Sleepin' alone in the
Drone of the darkness,
Scratched by the sand that
Fell from my love,
Deep in my dreams and I
Still hear her callin'
"If you're alone,
I'll come home."

- San Tropez, Meddle, Pink Floyd

One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces

- One of These Days, Meddle, Pink Floyd

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Question: What are some potential problems with basing an entire company on the slogan 'rectum fresh!'?

I'm going to answer this question with a neat scientific fact.

Did you know your anus has taste buds? Or technically 'taste receptors'. Yea. (So do your testicles, but that's for another question.)

So rectum fresh doesn't have to be about cleanliness, or lack of fecal buildup, it can be similar to how your mouth can feel fresh, from things like mint and tooth brushing.

I guess if you're going with 'rectum fresh', though, you're probably afraid of implying that your product is as fresh as shit, which I could see being a problem for the consumer. Unless the consumer is a consumer of fresh shit.

Fresh shit isn't even necessarily better than old shit. Old shit probably smells less, though I can't be sure because I've never left shit lying around long enough to be considered old. Unless you count the times I've reneged on a flush to show my wife how big it is, or how much it looks like Joyce Carol Oates.

I'm gonna say steer away from rectum fresh. Even vagina fresh is better than this, because vaginas are usually pretty fresh, and there's a whole line of (bullshit) products marketed toward people who think they need to keep their vagina even fresher with vinegar in a bag. Which is also how they fed Chris on the cross, for the record. Yea. Roman douche to the face, JC. Boom.

Also to avoid: balls fresh, sack fresh, taint fresh, undercarriage-y, smells like choda, as refreshing as sweaty tits, and as delightful as that spot where your dick rests on top of your balls. Which just to remind you, is something your balls can actually taste.

Short Answer: One time my body rejected a turd that looked like Wilfred Brimley. The Joyce Carol 'oats' connection is a coincidence, I assure you.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Question: How do you handle using a public bathroom that's been loused-up with a stranger's fresh poop-smell?

Handle? I don't even handle the handle of a public bathroom. I roll my sleeve down and grab it through the fabric. If I'm wearing a short sleeved t-shirt, I still roll my sleeve down and grab it through the fabric, like a deformed hunchback with a tiny, mutant arm.

I don't use public bathrooms unless I have a sudden onslaught of creamy runs, and if that's the case, I don't give a fuck where it comes out as long as it comes the fuck out. So if I waddle into a stall and it smells like another person's poop, that's only comical because I'm about to destroy the previous smell like I'm dropping the turd version of an ass-bomb on the unsuspecting Japanese public.

Short Answer: Sorry you got nuked, Japan. Is it funny yet?

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Question: Who wins the World Cup today?

First off, here are my original predictions for the group stage:

Just so you know how awesome I am. In fact, just skip that (I only got ten of the sixteen qualifying teams correct). The most important thing is the short answer from that post:

"Look for Germany to take the whole thing. My second pick would be Argentina, then Spain. I don't trust this Brazil squad; I don't think they're going to pull through. Maybe in four years."

Obviously Spain surprised us all, but I was pretty on-point otherwise.

Things I said that are also relevant.

"I don't think Fred is going to come through for this team."
"Argentina will win this semi in penalty shots."
"Why am I so humble?"

At this point, it would be stupid of me to change my pick. So I won't. I've been saying this German group would win the World Cup in 2014 since Ozil and Muller debuted all those years ago, so I'm sure not going to change my mind now. Besides, they've looked very strong, except for being a little slow in the back.

Too bad Argentina doesn't have a fast little dude who scores tons of goals to exploit that.


Short Answer: Germany wins the World Cup. Thinking 2-1 in regular time.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Question: Marry, Kiss, Kill?

I think this is the tamer version of marry, fuck, kill, so I'm going to assume that everybody wants me to fuck stuff.

Too bad there were no suggestions along with this question. I'll have to be creative.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys.
I would kiss the speak no evil monkey, 'cause he won't be able to tell anyone I kissed a monkey. Then I'd kill the hear no evil monkey because his whole attitude is kind of 'above it all' and then I'd marry the see no evil monkey because I could fuck monkey whores on the side.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: The Kardashian sisters.
I'd kill the ugly one straight off, then I'd fuck Kim until she couldn't whine anymore, then I'd marry the one that looks relatively normal.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: Kirk, Bones and Spock.
I'd kill Spock because it's illogical, then I'd fuck bones because he's such a little bitch, then I'd marry Kirk for a life full of adventure.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: Team Twilight.
I'd kill that stupid werewolf guy. Then I'd fuck Edward and marry Bella because I'd rather fuck a dude once then for the rest of my life.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: Charlie's Angels.
I'm too young for the TV show, so I'll do the movies. I'd kill Cameron Diaz. With a chainsaw. Then I'd fuck Lucy Liu because I'd love to fuck Lucy Liu, but I'd marry Drew Barrymore because she's adorable and has the biggest boobs.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: Destiny's Child.
I'd kill whoever came up with that fucking name, then I'd fuck and marry Beyoncé.

Marry, Kiss, Kill: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman.
Again, the practicality of not being married to a dude plays a part. I think I'd have to marry Wonder Woman, despite her penchant for violent solutions, because I'd like to be married to a girl. I'd kill Superman because he's a boring nimrod and then I'd let Batman fuck me.

Short Answer: Let Batman Fuck Me should be the title of something. I'll get on that.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Question: Make up a joke about a raisin.

Why did the raisin cross the road?
Technically, he was a grape when he started. The tarmac is just so hot that...
Hey, you're ruining my joke!
Aren't you ruining your own joke? I'm you too, idiot.
Oh, yea. Well, shut up anyway, me.
Well now we're at an impasse. Which one of us is allowed to talk?
There is only one of us!
This raisin joke is tearing us apart!
I thought we agreed it was more of a grape joke?
We never agree on anything. That's the fucking problem! Shave or neck beard, black shirt or no shirt, guys or girls; it's always a damn struggle.
Really? You know why I crossed the road? To get the fuck away from you!

Short Answer: Let me do it! No, you did the last one! Stop shoving. You're the one who's shoving!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Question: Could you do a list of summery songs?

I'll assume you don't mean songs that summarize. You didn't spell it that way; just figured I'd acknowledge the possible confusion. I only do so because confusion is so fun to read about.


I mean, nothing says summer like the Beach Boys, which is probably why I was recently asked to do a top Beach Boys song list. But if we were to eliminate the Beach Boys, what would we be left with?


Top Twenty Summery Songs (that may or may not summarize things)

20) Summertime Blues by Eddie Cochrane. I don't want to use a bunch of songs with the word summer in them, but if I don't, this is super fucking hard. Hard to argue with this one, I figure.
19) Teenland by Northern Pikes. All Northern Pikes sound summery to me.
18) Rockaway Beach by The Ramones. I like a lot of other Ramones' songs better, but ya know, beach.
17) Under the Boardwalk by The Drifters. I don't know why, but it's summery.
16) Need You Tonight by INXS. Smoldering dirty goodness. This song makes my junk sweat. Just like summer!
15) Roadhouse Blues by The Doors. They probably have some better summer songs, but this is more of a sense memory thing. I remember driving while listening to this song when I was a teenager on a cool summer night.
14) Vacation by The Go-Gos. There might be a million songs that sound and feel like this one. But it's called Vacation so it wins.
13) Ask by The Smiths. Fuck yea, The Smiths. This is super happy goodness.
12) Slow Ride by Foghat. I'm pretty sure the reason this feels like a summer song is because of Dazed and Confused. Which totally fine.
11) Surrender by Cheap Trick. I think a lot of different Cheap Trick songs could fit on here, they just kinda had that up and at them sound. Ya dig?
10) No Rain by Blind Melon. This song makes me feel like honey inside, and not just because of the fat little bee kid from the video/album cover.
9) School's Out by Alice Cooper. Not just because it has the word summer in it, this song is synonymous with getting the fuck out of school.
8) Summer of '69 by Bryan Adams. I was once in an international soccer tournament in Sweden, and when we walked into the stadium, they played this song for us. (Not to be confused with Summer of 69s by Blowin' Adams.)
7) Summer in the City by The Lovin' Spoonful. 'In the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city.'
6) Time of the Season by The Zombies. The beginning of this song reeks of summer for me, all smooth and slick and about to finish. Sorry, sorry.
5) Love Shack by the B52s. A better band than most realize, this song just happens to be a party and a half, perfect for summery summer times.
4) Mussels from the Shell by Squeeze. Maybe the most misquoted of the top ten, this is one of my favorite singles of all time. Summer love, baby.
3) Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode. This exemplifies a summery mood (mode) for me, and it makes me happy and shut up.
2) Cherish by Madonna. Maybe it's just  the video with all the mermen and the frolicking, but this song is super summery for me. And Madonna. And boobs.
1) San Tropez by Pink Floyd. Nothing says summer more to me than this song.

Short Answer: I realized as I was compiling this list that it's probably the most subjective I've ever put together. How do you describe what it feels like to be 'summery'? Sometimes it's what I remember listening to in the summer, and sometimes it's just songs that feel like the way summer feels. Whatever. I do advise making your own list. I have a felling that most people's summer list will be a list of songs that make them feel fucking good.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Question: Poetry time! Please?

I like that this was both yelly and polite. As reward, here's a challenging one.

Necessity breeds like-minded ideals
 long taloned beliefs dropped to smash on the
 rocks below without a second downward glance

 forever held principles tossed up into the wind
 to ride evermore unwatched
All one was - tempered to further the immediate
 then lost to never again be recovered

Short Answer: Working title: Yelly and Polite

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Question: Why don't you ever read my blog?

How could you possibly know whether or not I read your blog? Just because I'm not a subscriber (or whatever it's called when you read someone's blog).


I don't read your blog because I don't care about your garden, dogs, love life, diet or affinity for WW2 poetry/memorabilia/themed coffee mugs. I don't care about you in any capacity. If we met in real life, I'd probably hate you, and rearrange your blog with my fist.

One time I took a bunch of shits. They all rank higher than your blog on my scale of 'things to look at that smell like shits' list.

The difference, to be fair, between say this 'blog' that I have here - which could totally be a website if I wasn't lazy with the using of the Blogger and such - is that I'm a writer. A lot of people who blog are more like journal-ers or diar-ists. (See? I made up those words just now. That proves I'm a writer. Only writers can get away with that shit.) Writing is fucking hard. Style and voice are things that take many hours to develop, and that doesn't take into account that you sorta have to know how to spell shit and what grammar is up to. You have to learn all the basic chords before you can write a symphony or a improvise a sweet alto saxophone solo. (If you didn't catch that you don't really play chords on a saxophone, you should stop writing your music blog.)

Lot of parentheses in this post. I blame your blog!

Short Answer: If you work hard at writing, write many different things for many years, you'll still probably suck and I still won't read about how many blood worms your turtle ate over Lent.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Question: Could you do some more?

Lines of cocaine? No. I'm already at 'Bright Lights, Big City' level.
Pilates? Not after finding out that this had nothing to do with pirates.
Research? I think we all know enough about where to put our wangs. Suggestions might be dangerous.
Time travelling? And risk yet another world-enveloping paradox? When's good for you?
Writing? Ironically, I'm doing some more writing right now. Even as you read this, I am writing...
Pumpkin drawings? I've already drawn a whole patch!
Tom Selleck impersonations? No. I think the Brazilian soccer team has got it covered.
Minuet composing? That first minuet was an accident. Are we ever going to get past it?
Dew? I'm finding it harder and harder to find the Mountain Dew without caffeine, and caffeine must be avoided because it makes me - what's the nice way of saying this? - humpy.
Abstract art? Norp.
BBQ assembly? Not with these Allen keys. I think they might be Steve Allen keys.
Hits from the bong? I could, but I will not. I had enough hits from the bong when I toured with Cypress Creek as their black member.
Screenings? My short film, 'How to Butcher a Taoist' has been screened exactly the right amount of times already.
External Heart Massages? If you're a woman, I can. If you're a man, let's go prostate.
Flow of conscious type jokes? If you're a woman, I stand. If you're a man, let's go prostrate.

Short Answer: -OMITTED-

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Question: You know when people type things into Google, and they come up with funny stuff? You know any of those?

I just saw one of these going around online. Maybe that's why you're asking me this. Hmmm.

It says to type your name then 'is a' and you'll get something funny. Mine did not disappoint.

Keith is a female name. Yep. That was the first entry on Google. Right in the vagina.

I'm gonna go experiment and see if I can't come back with some funny shit.

Okay I'm back. You miss me? These are all first entries on Google:

Donkey balls time. Of course it is.
Penis fish. I hope it's not a real fish. Or do I?
Last dance in Halifax. The ever popular Nova Scotia city strikes again.
Butchered gardens. What the fuck is a butchered garden? (Oh, I get it. People misspell Butchart Gardens in Victoria. Brutal.)
Beards tumblr. This says something of the world. Something that once could've been said with beards alone.
The bottom of my feet hurt. Complaining. Nice.
Here there be dragons. Correct.
Kraken for wordpress. Disappointing. I was hoping kraken for mayor, but kraken for sale was number two, at least.
Etymology with bells on. I don't know what this is, but I'm guessing sometimes when you put weird combinations of words in, you end up with titles of products and songs and shit.
Transgendered man. I liked the stupidity and irony of this being at the top. Note: transgendered woman was nowhere to be seen.
Secret agent name generator. Blowing covers since internets.
Only the first and last letter matter. Yea, like in the phrase 'Forget about the emu'.
The lady that took prayer out of school. 'it up the dumper' was missing. Must be a glitch.
Keith wants to create a drink that is 40 juice. Not 40 percent juice, a huge beer with juice in it. (Gotta share the second one: Keith wants to divide his tuna. Or your mom's tuna. Snap!)
Helicopter and tornado. From the ever popular 'things that go together' blog.
Backside tours. Your mother's job is strange.
Autism with a side of fries. Must be another title.
Genital warts. This worries me. Is this the most pervasive thing happening to genitals?
When lights die. Jesus. I don't wanna know what the fuck this means.
Take a bunch of codeine. Sound advice.
Relax and take notes. That's not fucking relaxing. Boo.
Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. That sounds hard.
Peeing in drano to determine gender. Yes! The payoff I've been looking for. Keith is a female name out!

Short Answer: I typed in 'heterosexual feelings' and got 'suppressing heterosexual feelings.' We're though the looking glass, people.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Question: John Cena, huh?

I assume this is in reference to the fact that after Daniel Bryan's injury, the company (WWE) decided to go with Cena as the champ again.

I'm gonna tell you a secret. I secretly cheer for Cena. I want him to be better. I want him to do better, get the respect from the crowd he longs for, and stop pretending he's okay with being booed by half the stadium.

On the other hand, I fucking hate John Cena. Not the real person; I don't know him. I mean the character of John Cena on the show. What is he? A goody-two shoes who will pretend to be hard core because he likes rap music? This is terrible and insulting and never comes off as very authentic, despite whatever his actual love of music may be. He tries so hard to be authentic, that he comes across as inauthentic. And somehow, he seems oblivious to why people don't love him universally.

Here's a few reasons why people hate you, and why I feel sad whenever you're the main event.

You're not very entertaining in the ring. You're not a bad worker, but your signature stuff is weak and it hardly ever gets reversed or worked into interesting spots. You look awkward when you do things, like a deer who never learned to walk, and yet you stubbornly continue to do them. The dropkick, the hurricanrana? Dude, you're killing me.

Another reason: you won't turn heel. Despite how many wonderful opportunities there have been, the eventuality of every storyline is that you're a stand up guy and should be respected as the ultimate face. Get over yourself; even Hogan painted on some black stubble and said shit about the crowd. Do people love him any less?

I've tried to defend you at times. It's tough because people who dislike you really dislike you. And then I'll realize that whatever I'm defending, once again, is a story about how you're doing the right thing. And it feels like you capitalize on those situations, preying on the success of others to make yourself look good. Yea, mention Daniel Bryan again, and how he deserves things. Jesus. That doesn't play well with the crowd, who perceives you as someone who had things handed to him, while they see Daniel Bryan as an everyman who worked hard for his achievements. It's not about how you actually got there, it's about what the fans think.

And that's the worst part. That lack of authenticity translates into a feeling that you're not really there for the people, that you don't really care just about entertaining them. I'm sure the actual man under the character does, but it's not coming through.

I'm sad about how many missed opportunities there have been over the years. How amazingly one might spin the split of the crowd, or the pressure of being a star, or the angle of being the one that gets things handed to him. So much potential unrealized, for a man who gets such a consistent pop.

Short Answer: Weird that at some point I started addressing the character directly. Didn't even realize I was doing it.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Question: Orangutang or Orangutan?

This question worries me. And for many reasons.

First, do people really not know this by now?
Second, is this some filthy joke about monkey sex?
Third, is there some ape-flavored drink/ape-scented tanning oil that is new to the market that I'm as of yet unaware of?

It's orangutan. Orangutang evolved from the stupid human concept that if we like the sound in the middle of  a word, we add it once more for fun at the end.

See: shitjobbert.

Some American dictionaries have actually added orangutang as an acceptable spelling, because stupid wins, but the word is from Malaysia. 'Orang' meaning man, and 'utan' meaning forest, as in 'man of the forest'. Not 'man of the space drink'. What we should do is adopt the term 'mawas', which is what they call an orangutan in the Malay world. They use orangutan instead to describe an uncivilized person.

Like an American.

Short Answer: Happy 4th of July, everybody!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Question: Hot biscuits: term of endearment or something to shout at climax?

Instinct dictates something to shout at climax. But like in most questions of this nature, it depends on your partner. I've never met a woman or a man who liked being referred to as hot biscuits, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. And if 'endearment' means 'off the stripper pole' like I think it does, then the percentages are even lower.

Plus, hot biscuits falls right into line with a lot of other wonderful and acceptable things one might cry aloud when they squeeze out the mystic snail trail.


Jiminy cricket!
Nice work!
Here there by semen!
Fair enough!
Large sea bass!
Global warming!
I'm about to!
Cancel my appointments!
Is this thing on?
Goddammit it!
Watch your flocks by night!
Full speed ahead!
Tonight, I celebrate my awhshgughh!
Thanks, Henry.

You get the picture.

Short Answer: Warm, warmer, the timer's right there, hot, hot, here comes the ding, biscuits!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Question: Funny stuff?

Feeling wiggly
Face cake
Tears of a clown
Attempted athleticism
John Oliver
Cats on the internet
Dogs in real life
A list of Nike slogans
Fat jazz singers
Carrying a number while calculating maths
Snorting, then having to laugh harder at the snort
Other people's foot cramps
The Dana Carvey Show
Elephant preferences
People who assume they're very intelligent because of stupid
Pole dancing at home
Lap dancing at work
Dancing at all
Well-thought out abandon
Old lady hair
Old man pubes
Sun stroke

Short Answer: Thanks for an easy one, friends.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Question: What do you wear when you wanna look snappy for Canada Day?

I'm not much for 'Days' and I don't where a lot of 'clothes' so this is a bit tough to answer.

I guess traditional Canadian garb would be a toque and some mukluks or something, more things I'm not all that into. I'm more of a balaclava and hoverboard kinda dude.

The most Canadian thing I do is play hockey, therefore it would make the most sense for me to dress up in my hockey gear. Or maybe just pull a Young Blood and walk around with only my jock, ass out Rob Lowe style. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably because you're not Canadian.)

I don't own a lot of red, and we all know that blood stains get darker with time, so that won't cut it. And I don't own a lot of white because it makes you look fatter. I did want to buy some Canada gear after the Olympics were here but the sale prices were still super expensive.

I really should own a Canadian hockey jersey. That would be the way to go. I've just never gotten around to it. But don't worry, Steve Yzerman, I'll get there eventually.

Short Answer: Huzzah and yay and woots and junk for Canada!