Monday, June 30, 2014

Question: Aren't you tired of watching soccer yet?

There's a hint of it here and there, I guess. It is strange to have five or six hours of your day absorbed. But those long days are over now. The four games a day days nearly did me in, but I was strong, like bull.

I'm definitely dreaming of soccer, and thinking about it when I'm half awake, and reading about it when I'm on the toilet. I think that's the beauty of the World Cup; you can immerse yourself in it completely for a month. No other sporting experiences gives me that feeling of total involvement. And then, as backlash, a month later I will have cleansed myself of all things soccer and will hardly remember anything.

Best just to go limp and let it fondle you.

Short Answer: Sorry if some of my answers have been unnecessarily curt or quaint or brief or lame over the last few weeks. I'm often trying to squeeze this task into a small space, like that time I fucked a can of pineapple rings.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Question: How do you feel about the Kesler trade?

That's a tough one.

It's hard not to like Ryan Kesler. He's a big two-way forward with speed, who in the past has produced incredible performances for the Vancouver Canucks. One might argue that he's no longer that player, and hasn't been anything close to a Selke-level center or a forty-goal scorer in more than a couple of years. That's true; I guess we'll see if he's ever that again. I'd rather wish him success than hope he fails, but it's safe to say he won't see a season like '10-'11 again.

As for what we got back? Bonino is a right now twenty-goal scorer with a meager contract that has three years remaining. That's pretty badass. As for the other pieces, Lucas Sbisa played just about thirty games last years, and though he has potential, who knows? And pick number 24 could be just about anything, from a Lemieux to a Daigle.

Just like in any other trade, we'll have to wait and see. I think Anaheim got the best player in Ryan Kesler (which some would claim wins them the trade), and behind the Getzlaf line, he'll probably have a better year than his last few in  Vancouver. If Bonino improves a little, Sbisa actually plays and we don't get a turd from the pick, we might just come out on top of this in a few years.

Sad to see Kes go, though. A lot of things have been coming out of late, people claiming that the team didn't like him and that he was an egomaniac. Gotta take all that with a grain of salt and some sour grapes. For me, he always handled himself with poise and grace, and seemed for the most part to be a genuine fellow. Who really knows? It doesn't mean we've gotta bandwagon jump on the leaving town middle finger he's getting from Vancouver.

Short Answer: The golden era is pretty much over, now. Can the rest of the core pick up where they left off a few years back? Was last season just a blip, or an indication of prolonged doom? Does anyone know anyone out there who answers questions?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Question: How will I know if he really loves me?

I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things

How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak

If he loves me.

If he loves me not.

How will I know?

Nice. Who knew this was one of those songs where you couldn't stop at one line? Hey, remember when she married Bobby Brown and became a cracked out ho? Yea, best not to. I agree. Whitney was the tits for a while, though, no doubt about it.

Now onto the question. First of all, it's not when he tries to bang you. One time I tried to fuck the garbage man, and if he'd turned up with flowers the next week I would've been ignorant to his advances, probably even to the point of asking him which bin do flowers go in.

One of the best ways to be sure that a man has feelings for you is if he flies into a jealous rage when you tell him you slept with some other dude. Especially if it was on a whim. Like if he comes over to 'hang' and you say, "I'm not in the mood. The milkman wailed on my pussy super hard this afternoon. He's a bit of a fatty."

Another good way to know if a man loves you is if he stops playing video games when you're nearby. Or if he tries to include you in the video game experience via blow job. Nothing says love like rescuing Princess Peach while getting a juicy Bowser.

There are other ways. The most important thing to understand is that the way to a man's heart is through his wang, so if you want to be sure, provide lots of stimulation to that section of his body. Best done through excessive amounts of nudity and vagina play.

What's more important is assuming he loves you because he asks you to marry him. Some men just do this because they think it's what they're supposed to do when a woman doesn't fuck the mailman, gives flex-jaw blowers on the toilet can, and does the dishes/ironing with her boobs out. They think it's an obligation, that they must commit. This is not the same as a real commitment.

Here's a sure fire test. Find your man's button (it's his father) and push it a bunch of times in a row. If he gets angry, good. Then, if the anger turns cold and he leaves or tells you to fuck off, he doesn't love you. But if he starts bawling like a blind child at the zoo, he's yours forever.

Short Answer: By the way, if you see a bawling blind child at the zoo, saying, "But there's so many wonderful animals" doesn't at all help.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Question: Top Ten Beach Boys Songs?

Top Ten Beach Boys Songs

10) Warmth Of The Sun
9) Don't Worry Baby
8) Be True To Your School
7) Good Vibrations
6) All Summer Long
5) Do You Wanna Dance?
4) God Only Knows
3) In My Room
2) Wouldn't It Be Nice
1) You're So Good To Me

For people who don't like The Beach Boys, this post is a bust. But for fans, I'm sure you can see just how hard this is to accomplish. I left off a lot of very popular songs. I'd like to give a few Honorable Mentions because of how many tough cuts I had to make. First, the entire rest of the Pet Sounds album, as well as the songs from Still Cruisin': Kokomo and Make It Big, and the surprise omissions Help Me, Rhonda, Barbara Ann and Surfer Girl. Wendy, California Girls and I Get Around were also close misses.

Short Answer: Yes. Be True To Your School is supposed to be there. I think it exemplifies a certain innocence and charm that doesn't come through as well in the 'let's go surfing all the fucking time' songs.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Question: What's the significance of whatever?

I guess it's significant in the sense that it indicates a degradation in our language usage. At least in terms of variability.

Whatever means nothing. It's giving up on life, giving up on a conversation, and disrespecting the people around you. We used to have never mind. Those were the days.

I heard an intelligent person on the radio today. They were obviously well-read, knew their shit, and spoke eloquently.


They used the phrase 'you know' over and over again, and broke the record on 'actually'. Having a bad case of the you knows makes some sense to me; it feels connected to our desire to be heard, acknowledged and validated. But the actuallys have to stop, people. Every time you say actually, and the person you're speaking to has no reason to think something other than what your're going to say, you're using it wrong.

Example: How did you get this job? Actually, I saw it in the classifieds.

Oh. I thought you'd created a job from clay. How ridiculous of me to think that.

Example: Hey expert in specific topic - oh, let's say dinosaurs - what's the deal with that fossil? Actually, it's from the Jurassic period.

Oh. I must've given the impression that it was from another period. Maybe, if I'd thought that, I'd have said: Is that from the Triassic? Then, you could've said, Actually it isn't. But instead, you said something stupid.

Look, I get it. Language shrinks, people do what other people do, it's no big deal. Actually, it's a pretty big fucking deal, you know? Whatever.

Short Answer: I don't even know if this is anywhere near what this question was asking.

Note: Despite my desire to be a cock, the use of actually that last time is actually correct. The second actually in this note is excessive.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Question: How was your cystoscopy?

Hey! You knew what it was called! I didn't even know until yesterday. I thought the word urethra or peehole had to be in there somewhere. Like peehole-uptomy or something like that.

I'll tell you one thing that I wasn't expecting. They knock you the fuck out. It's a full balls scary medical situation. A doctor, two nurses and an anaesthesiologist.

The worst part is the waiting. They try to break it up for you by doing little bits of your registration and prep at a time, but when you hit the bed with your booties and shower cap, it's waiting until you lose your nerve time. I was in a good mood at first, cracking jokes and the like. But after waiting at the last 'stage' for over an hour, I'd nearly succumbed to stress. The nurse told me afterward that I looked like I was about to cry when they were wheeling me in. You'd think I would be relieved thanks to an end to my boredom and impatience, but instead I'd just worked myself up into a 'dead people are made here' tizzy.

So the room didn't help with all the professionals being all professional. Then the anaesthesiologist stuck the IV in my hand up to my elbow joint. He told me that before any of the painful stuff started, I'd be out. Cut to a minute later when I still don't feel the stuff and he asks me if I'm getting sleepy. Not only am I not, they're already putting my legs up into stirrups, so I have a last minute of panic thinking they haven't knocked me out enough. Then, they douse my junks with something warm - I remind you, that my legs are up in the air - and three people start at my stuff as they either wash or disinfect my balls. Then, if I remember correctly, they jam some lube up into my meager, terrified wang. When they ask me if I can feel it, I can, but it's not painful so much as uncomfortable.

Boom, I'm waking up to them removing a tube from my throat! Apparently you don't breath when you're under anaesthesia, so they give you the oxygen mask or something. I'm told as I'm swimming back to consciousness that my neck was too short and I wasn't like Brian Mulroney, and I needed my airway opened up.

That's about the gist of it. I recover from the drugs quickly, chat up my nurses as per usual, and I'm thinking I'm getting out of there pretty quick. Turns out the procedure went well, only took five minutes, and in a few more, I'm out of recovery and back to the original waiting area.

There, I'm told to my dismay that I have to wait forty-five minutes, because they want me to pee and make sure that it's okay.

It's not okay. Time for the squeamish to turn away.

I've never seen blood in or around the tip of my penis. And I sure as hell have never seen it come the fuck out of my penis. And I sure as hell have never peed away a forming blood clot so it looks like the worms used to feed turtles are swimming around in my toilet bowl.

So the first pee isn't great, but luckily, the second is clearer. Still hurts like there's a package of nerds being pushed through my dink, but it's not so bloody.

And I'm out, and I'm running, naked and free, happy as a lark and healthy and...

I have to pee a lot to keep the blood from clotting.

Short Answer: At least they found a penis and nothing bad. And I don't remember any laughter.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Question: Heard you were getting a camera in your business pretty soon?

Yep. Today, in fact. Right up in the peehole, where every nanometer of flesh is as sensitive as if you'd recently scraped the surface down with a razorblade forged from citrus and salt concentrate.

I'm looking forward to it. After today, there's nowhere left for people to stick things. I should become a spy because I will officially be immune to torture by late this afternoon.

Oh, no, they could still do that reeds under the fingernails thing. Abort! Dedact! Burn agent Keith! Remove double 0 status immediately! Retire him with face bullets!

Short Answer: They sat it's not so bad, this whole urethra-oscopy thing (or whatever it's called). I guess we'll find out how many people's pants are on fire. And by on fire, I mean the burning pain of having a foreign object inserted into the tip of your penis and threaded up to the prostate. Cheers to everyone who's not having that happen today!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Question: Why do people keep giving me pickles?

Do you have a pickle sucking mouth?
Are you inside a sandwich?
Are you Marc Edouard Vlasic, defenseman for the San Jose Sharks? (The San Jose Sharks is a terrible name for a professional sports franchise. Sounds like a team from Slamball on Spike. Remember Slamball on Spike? That sport that was basketball and trampolines?)
Are you a sourpuss?
Do you often say things are your 'bread and butter'? (If you do, besides being inundated with pickle offerings, you're also a douche.)
Were you called 'dillweed' a lot in grade school. Remember that? Dillweed? Nice.
Have you ever given anyone the impression that if given a pickle you would stick it somewhere interesting, perhaps, inside your bottom?
Do you smell like eggs or pig feet? Both? This is a separate and all-encompassing problem.
Are you Picklechrist, saviour of all humanity and some pickles?

Short Answer:

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Question: What have we learned from the World Cup this year?

1) People only ask me questions about the World Cup when the World Cup is on.
2) I don't have time to fix typoes.
3) Soccer is the friggin' tits.
4) People who don't like soccer are mad that I'm not making enough poop jokes.
5) Soccer players make big poops.
6) Pleasing your fans is easy.
7) In a social experiment with few rules and a simple goal, people will perform like heels to achieve said goal.
8) Lots of scoring does in fact make soccer better, on the whole.
9) That was also a bit of a poop joke.
10) I don't have time for regular life.

Short Answer: Second half starting.

Just realized this said what have 'we' learned not what have I learned. No time to fix it!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Question: Oscar the Grinch?

Hmm. Interesting concept. Oscar does look a lot like the Grinch. He's green and he hates the world around him. I wonder if there's a copyright thing here. If we're lucky, we've just given someone the opportunity to sue the shit out of Sesame Street, the last bastion of child learning on the planet.

Wait. Wait a second. Does the family of Seuss still own the rights to the Grinch?|

Seuss! You've done it again, you old-timey bastard! Your family is going to sue Sesame Street! This is nefarious, Seuss, beyond colored breakfasts and driving dogs. You've really pushed it this time.

Short Answer: Leave Sesame Street alone! What has Snuffleupagus ever done to you! Actually, now that I think about it, Snuffleupagus seems a lot like a Seuss character. Riddles within riddles...I must contemplate.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Question: Could you carry a stone up a hill?

In my pocket?

I don't know what this question means. I've been watching so much soccer that everything is soccer. I have no idea if this is supposed to be some Greek thing, or some old story, or a reference to the Stonecutters episode of the Simpsons.

I could carry as much as I'm capable of carrying. For example, I could carry your mom, who I just impregnated.

Short Answer: I'm your new dad, buddy.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Question: Best Fantasy Novelists?


Hard to make a list, reading/writing is so subjective.

In no particular order:

J.R.R. Tolkien
Andre Norton
Fritz Leiber
Stephen R. Donaldson
Marion Zimmer Bradley
Michael Moorcock
Robert Jordan
Raymond E. Feist
Lord Dunsany
George R.R. Martin
Joe Abercrombie
Neil Gaiman
Guy Gavriel Kay
Terry Brooks
David Eddings
Roger Zelazny
Tad Williams

I'd love to do a proper numbered list, but reading the entire work of a fantasy author is far more difficult than watching all of a director's movies. Difficult and time consuming. But I've read quite a bit, so I feel I can at least show you who I think deserve to be considered among the best. I've obviously left off anyone who would be considered blatant Sci-Fi writers, though some would argue they belong. And if you think I forgot someone, it's possible, but it's more likely that I'm not all that impressed by them. C.S. Lewis, for example. Or R.A. Salvatore. Or J.K. Rowling. Or David Gemmell. I'm aware of their work.

In addition are the writers that will be on a list like this in a few more years or a few more books. Lots of bright up and comers out there, and more being born each day with the popularity of fantasy in the mainstream.

Here's a separate little list.

Clive Barker
C.S. Friedman
Frank Herbert
Ursula K. Le Guin
Ray Bradbury
Alfred Bester
Harlan Ellison
Orson Scott Card
H.P. Lovecraft
Jack Whyte
Roald Dahl
Stephen King

Just a bunch of people I love who've dabbled in Fantasy novels, but may not be considered first and foremost in that category. Or just writers who include fantastical elements in ways that I like. Or historical fiction that feels like fantasy because it's so good, or because it's Arthurian...lookin' at you, Mr. Whyte.

Short Answer: All pomposity aside, I'm sure I've forgotten some greats. Feel free to comment on this one and let me know who you love. This time, I'd actually like to hear it.

Note: If I was forced to do a numbered list it would be terribly biased and go a little something like this.

Best Fantasy Novelists

10) C.S. Friedman
9) Orson Scott Card
8) Clive Barker
7) Jack Whyte
6) J.R.R Tolkien
5) Tad Williams
4) Robert Jordan
3) George R.R. Martin
2) Guy Gavriel Kay
1) Joe Abercrombie

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Question: How do you feel about your World Cup predictions so far?

I feel great. Hard to worry too much after only one round of games. I think Spain will be fine, and Portugal too if they can keep their heads on straight. I was disappointed that Nigeria didn't come through with a first round victory. I didn't pick Uruguay to go through so the loss to Costa Rica is no big deal for me.

Everything else is looking good. Germany as strong as expected. As long as Russia wins this afternoon, my shit looks super tight.

Short Answer: Did you guys know the World Cup was happening?

Monday, June 16, 2014

Question: Hasn't the World Cup been great so far?

Yes. Yes it has.

You'd think that just having a shitload of goals being scored wouldn't be the key to success in terms of viewing enjoyment. You'd think that soccer was one of those games where the fans really appreciate the chess match. Maybe, even a few weeks ago, I would've agreed.

But what a bunch of blarney! Goals, goals, goals! Yay!

No ties, no zeros, just goals, comebacks, drama and awesome.

Short Answer: I am concerned about today, however. There could be some stinkers; we're sure due.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Question: If you were a country, what would your flag be?

Most flags, especially national ones, are just simple bars of color, so that wouldn't be very interesting for me to answer. Instead, I'll assume you were hoping for more details, and we'll go with my heraldic banner or sigil or some such nonsense.

I would definitely like to have some sharks or spiders on there (did I answer this question before?), and the colors would be blue and yellow. (Yea, I have. I've done this.)

Well, shit. I guess I'll go back to the country thing, then. I guess my flag would be blue and yellow, like the Ukrainian flag but more of a navy blue. That's if I could choose. If I took the colors to best represent myself as a person, it probably would be yellow and brown. Two bold swatches, one atop the other.

Brown and yellow are pretty good colors together. I don't think that flag would be too shabby.

I've got soccer to watch.

Short Answer: Bye.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Question: In what conditions do you feel most comfortable?

Seventeen degrees and clear with a chance of naked snugglies.

I also enjoy kneeling in a bathtub wearing a used art smock while a clown chugs water as he readies himself to pee on me. If you can call those conditions.

It might just be the singular form.

Short Answer: I like being at home near my own fridge and toilet. 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Question: Someone makes you a delicious meal, but it gives you the shits. Do you tell them?

Uh-oh. I've made food for a lot of people of late. This could very well be a real occurrence.

Normally I would say that you should tell them. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to violent liquid expulsions of brown jam. But if I'm the culprit - the brown jam fairy as it were - then keep that crap to yourself and let me go on thinking that I make tasty food that pleases the world. Or at least don't tell me until you're next faced with one of my meals, because it will be funny for me to watch you struggle with the real fear of future diarrhea while being whipped into a drooling frenzy by my deep, rich aromas.

Short Answer: Did anyone else read 'deep, rich aromas' and think of their own balls?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Question: What are your #WorldCup2014 predictions for the group stage?

Not many surprises from me. Unlike some, I put a fair amount of stock in the FIFA world rankings.

Group A


I've always liked Croatia, and despite the fact they're ranked a little ahead of Mexico, I think they're going to fall short this year. And unless Roger Milla shows up, I think Cameroon is boned. Brazil and Mexico is the safe bet.

Group B


No brainer in this group. Netherlands has fallen off a bit, and despite Chile's slightly higher ranking, I trust the Dutch personnel to step up and carry them through.

Group C

-Cote d'Ivoire

Odd group, especially now that Radamel Falcao is out for the tournament. Japan will work their asses of and with the heat, they might do well. Greece is always defensively sound, and Cote d'Ivoire is a capital W wild card. First dark horse pick, Cote d'Ivoire getting through.

Group D

Costa Rica

You know what, I'm full of shit. Fuck the rankings. I'm not feeling Uruguay this time, despite how good they've been. Italy and England, by the skin of their teeth.

Group E


Easiest group for me. France has a lot to prove after the last World Cup. They'll be up for it, despite the absence of their best player, Ribery. Youth and organization through.

Group F

B & H

Love me some Argentina. Love me some Nigeria.

Group G

United States

Might be tough, but the cream will rise.

Group H

Korea Republic

And no surprises here, either.

Short Answer: Look for Germany to take the whole thing. My second pick would be Argentina, then Spain. I don't trust this Brazil squad; I don't think they're going to pull through. Maybe in four years.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Question: Possum or Opossum?

The thing you just hit with your car? Possum
The thing you say when you discover its mangled body? Opossum.
The thing they say at the end of Dead Possum Society? Opossum my Possum.
The star of Shameless? Emmy Rossum.
Celebrating a Greek something with a toast? Opossum.
Any chance of this occurring in the next little while? Possumly.
The story of a matchmaking marsupial who falls in love whilst singing about it? Hello Possum.
What do you do with old underwear, fellas? Tossum.
Dwarfs? Something similar.
Is it actually dwarves? That's possumble.
A marsupial coming out of the closet? Opossumly gay.
Inspires awe? Pawesome.
Awesome with your paws? Pawsome.
What's the best way to eat noodles? Sauce 'em.
Irish noodles? O' sauce 'em.
Whatcha watchin'? Oh, just reruns of Blossom.
I had a crush on Six. Me too. I wonder if that's how her name was spelled, or is there a y in it?

Short Answer: Is there a 'y' in it is a good place to stop.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Question: Are you excited about the World Cup?

I'm usually excited for the World Cup about three months in advance. This year, I had none of that excitement until just a few days ago. I'd even started to wonder if I was going to get excited at all. Then I started setting up the DVR to record things and the scope set in, and the awe followed and the anticipation was not far behind.

I love soccer. I've watched every second of the last two World Cups, and almost every second of the one before that. This year, with the lack of excitement, I figured maybe I'd finally grown up. That it was the first time in my life that other things would take priority, that I wouldn't be able to find the time.

That was bullshit. I'm going all in again. Who needs sleep, right? And besides, it's only about two weeks of really intense watching, during the round robin. After that it gets pretty reasonable.

There's just nothing else like it. The best in the world at the world's most popular game. And despite FIFA being widely hated as corrupt profiteers, they manage to put on a good show, even if it does leave the region's economy in shambles for years to come.

Yay sports!

Short Answer: FIFA still claims they're a non-profit. Ouch.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Qusetion: Sometimes I get backed up. Advice?

Is it wrong that I'm assuming this is about poops?

If it isn't: work harder.

If it is: lots of fibre and water. That's what any good doctor will tell you. You can also use some over the counter poopeners to get your business moving. Milk of magnesia is a nice, gentle method, though it tastes a little like something that was scraped off the inside of a cave.

Seriously, though, most humans don't get enough fibre or water. Like, not even close to enough. It's pretty much a lifestyle change if you start getting as much as you're supposed to and most people aren't into that, but if your lifestyle now is crying like a baby because you can't make a poo, maybe it's something you should look into.

Short Answer: You need both soluble and insoluble fibre, so pay attention to that as well. Psyllium is where you want to go to get the bulk. That's All-bran, Metamucil, table legs, that sort of thing.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Question: Black Panther or Luke Cage?

How have these movies not been made yet? How has Idris Elba not been given one of these characters? And now that Chiwetel Ejiofor (I just spelled that right on the first go) has finally risen to the summit where he belongs, he should also be given a giant franchise to lead.

Right, Netflix is making the Luke Cage series. Okay, calm down everyone.

I've always been more of a Black Panther guy. I like the regal element of the character. I think Ejiofor could bring a lot to that role. Shit, I got sidetracked again. Yes, Black Panther. Though I really enjoyed Luke Cage in the New Avengers that came out six or seven years ago. It was good seeing him mix it up with all the other big names in the Marvel Universe.

I also like what Wakanda offers the writers of those comics, being able to show quick and easy parallels to some of the struggles that go on in African countries - the obvious one being vibranium is to diamonds - whereas Power Man's home turf is populated with other super heroes. A cityscape is ripe for topical allegory as well, it's just a little more familiar to us.

If we're talking in a fight, that might be different. Despite Black Panther's intense amount of fighting skill, Luke Cage is a world class badass, and I think I'd go with him in a melee.

Short Answer: Just make these properties already!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Question: What can you learn from having a nemesis?

I know it's you, Seuss. Don't think you can fool me.

You can learn much from having a nemesis.

When I was a teenager I used to drive around in a Suzuki Sidekick. I worked at the local college bookstore, and after my shift, I would drive home, making this same left turn every time. Nearly every day, at the same time I would be turning left, some guy who looked like me would be turning left across the intersection in his Geo Tracker. Both his Geo and my Sidekick were black, so it was like a mirror image.

Now that I think about it, I didn't learn anything from that.

Seuss! You've distracted me with your wily black magic for the last time! You are my nemesis, and I can learn nothing from you, because I've already learned everything you have to say from your books! Ha! So there!

Short Answer: Why do we have to fight like this, Seuss? Why? You have to let me go.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Question: I need some catchy names for new music trends, any suggestions?

Not really sure what you're looking for here. You want me to name the trends and not the musical styles? Do trends even have names? What was the name of the trend where people wore crocs to look like idiots. Croc-ing?

Maybe I'm just too old to realize that people name music trends now.

Whatever. Let's try it.

Fartstep. It's like dubstep but you have to fart every time your raise your foot. Oh, is dubstep not a dance? Well, what do you do when you listen to it, just sit there? If that's the case, you sit there and fart, smarty pants. Or should I say...farty pants!

How about Discgolf. It's like disco but you keep score. This one's easy to comprehend because being a discgolf participant and being a fan of disco equate to the same amount of shame and public shunning.

Cuntrock. It's just country music and rock. Really popular with men who have truck nuts.

Level 1-2. Or One-Twoing, where you just listen to the music from Super Mario Brothers Level 1-2. You know the one. Da-na na-na na-na.

Purpling. You can be playing any sort of music when you Purple, but it helps when you're in a large band. Once per song, one of the band members puts his dick through the fly of his jeans, so there's a little purple showing. If you can find the did it!

Get it? Farty pants? Like, that's where the fart goes, in your pants? But you're also being somewhat of a smarty pants by most people's definition of the word, so it sounds like the thing you are but there's farts in it!

If you still don't understand the joke, let me explain it to you a different way. One time I made jello and put farts in it.

Short Answer: Lime, if you were wondering. The End.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Question: I'm thinking of buying moon-real estate. Any advice?

You shouldn't just buy it. You should go live there. I hear it's nice. In fact, take all of your friends. Take a bunch of people up to the moon. I'm sure it's gonna work out. You'll be like the pioneers, but you know, frozen and dead.

We don't own the moon. Moonmen do. Unless moonmen are selling, you can't buy any of it. And as far as I know, moonmen don't sell shit. Except for moonmenshine, but that's illegal in America.

Short Answer: Moonmenshoeshiners are the best in the galaxy at shining moonmenshoes. 3, 2, 1, head asplode.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Question: What is the allure of disc golf?

All the honeys.

Seriously, I get all kinds of poonery tang out there on the 'bee-links'. Bitches can't be gettin' enough of my accuracy. And my distance? Who said that shit don't matter, fool!?!

I think the allure is the same as regular golf. It's just some of us can't afford the clubs, fees and back pain. It's got all the good things like counting and paying attention and feeling terrible about yourself.

My dad used to say that golf was a long walk ruined. I think he was misquoting/paraphrasing Mark Twain, who probably said something like, 'Fuck golf.' But I think disc golf is at least a walk around the park with your friends, with a little sumpin sumpin on the side. If you know what I mean. My wife does.

Hi Jerome. You want coffee?

Short Answer: In the above joke, my wife has sex with another man in my own house and I feel obliged to offer him coffee in the morning. Super funny. No, no, tears are funny too. It's cool.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Question: What say you, chappy?

I regretfully decree that no more shall I respond to ill-conceived monikers of this sort. You, sir, are the chappy! That's right! Have at thee! I am ready for fisticuffs come any hour. You have only to name the place and the appropriate trousers.

Short Answer: What say you? Bitch.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Question: Are you a monogamoose or are you into polyamoreel?

Did you think monogamoose was super funny? Did you then get stuck needing an animal to finish your joke? Did you feel shame when you went with eel?

It's okay. You'll be fine.

I'm definitely a happily married, full-antlered monogamoose. I'm lucky I found one member of my preferred sex that I don't want to punch repeatedly at least once a day. I'm not pushing my luck that I could find others. Plus, I like strong women and many of them punch back, which I also don't want, so my numbers are even thinner.

Only one time in my life was I not a monogamoose, but it was when I was young, and hanging out with a bunch of other theatre students. Monogameese aren't all that common in that setting. It's like a dirty, horny school of polyamoreels.

When you're young, you don't have the responsimanatees of an adult monogamoose, so you can get away with eeling around. But once you're older and you have to pay the duckbills and bring home the pigbelly, it's not so easy to be laying with many adult women.

I think I'm done here.

Short Answer: I'm starting to wonder about you people...

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Question: Have you ever won any writing awards?

No. Winning things is pretentious. I'm more of a participator. I participate the shit out of writing.

Actually, I don't often do that either. A lot of writing contests require entry fees, and homey don't play that.

I won a poetry award in high school, but that doesn't count because I'm pretty sure the other poems were all about getting things out of your locker or bumblebees. I've been nominated for a few adult writing awards, but I've never actually won. At least I don't think I have; I'm way too cool to check.

In truth, I've been nominated for the Pushcart and the Riesling. That's pretty cool; having even one person dig what you put on paper is rewarding compared to how it feels to write most days; like creating inside a vacuum, or a cocoon that may never open so that you eventually die a slow and lonely death despite the fact that you've turned into a butterfly.


Short Answer: I think I'm past the point where winning an award would mean a whole lot. I think I'd rather get paid.