Saturday, May 31, 2014

Question: Belly dancing or pole dancing?

Let's go through some pros and cons.

First off, to be a good belly dancer, you need a little bit of thickness. And you definitely need some hips. To be a good pole dancer, you need to be strong and fit. Therefore, the body type check goes to belly dancing, 'cause I like it thick.

As for the act itself, I'm not a huge fan of either. Belly dancing weirds me out, and I've never been much of a strip club guy, probably because those places smell like an accumulation of sweat around the crotchal parts. It's like walking into a humid soup of drippy balls and damp creases. The easy win here goes to the pole dancing, because titties.

Skill points go to belly dancing. I know that being a good pole dancer is challenging, it's just not as difficult as mastering belly dancing techniques. Look to pop music. There's only one Shakira, but a million filthy whores.

Cultural significance and artistry points also go to belly dancing, because there is a richer and more complex history. Pole dancing comes from trying to score more cash from desperate dudes while rubbing your cootch against recently warmed metal.

And yet, the decision as to which should win is a simple and straightforward one. Pole dancers are women who are likely to show you their nakedness to a degree that will satisfy many. Belly dancers are sexual teasers who won't show you an extra inch of skin, no matter how much rain you make.

Short Answer: The winner is pole dancing because boobs. But I tell you, I saw a belly dancer do a strip tease once, and it was aces.

(Note: I forgot to include all those awesome videos of people trying to pole dance at home and totally cranking themselves. Another check in that column.)

Friday, May 30, 2014

Question: Do you agree with the decision to leave Landon Donovan at home for the World Cup?

Don't want to bore my audience too long with soccer analysis, so I'll keep this simple.

No. I don't. He has proven, clutch goal-scoring pedigree, and even as someone to come off the bench when a goal is needed, I can't think of a better candidate on the American squad.

I think Klinsmann's success as a player and moderate success as a coach has somehow blinded him into thinking that America is deep enough and competitive enough to leave their best ever player off the roster. The American squad will need goals at some point, and all will be crying, "Where's Landon Donovan?" mark my words.

And it's not like there isn't precedent for bringing the old guy and subbing him on to reams of goal delivering success. Roger Milla anyone?

Short Answer: Sorry for all the sports, gotta answer the questions that come. For my other fans, poop bum farts as usual.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Question: Do you like pudding?

Funny you should ask.

When I was young, I went away to a soccer tournament where we had to live in a dorm and eat at a cafeteria. Up until that point, my experiences with pudding had been minimal. My first time in line at the buffet-style set up, I laid my eyes on a huge tray of chocolate pudding. I was overwhelmed at first, but managed to keep myself together. Over those few days, I ate much pudding, platefuls, in fact. We got third in the tournament, mostly because of my impressive pudding-fueled skills.

Since, pudding has fallen off my culinary radar. I probably ate too much of it then. Once in awhile I can go for some rice pudding, or even a pudding-like chocolate mousse, but in general, pudding can take a flying leap off I don't give a fuck bridge, in the township of why is there no meat in this?

On a side note, my wife does like pudding, except when I put my penis in it and encourage her to 'come get some'. My wife doesn't like to be encouraged, I guess.

Short Answer: The penis in the pudding thing is a true story.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Question: #Hatstuffs

Sombrereo Speedwagon
Fedora the Explorer
Beret Charles
Sean Beanie
Pontious Porkpie-late
The Panamaniacs
Cowboyz to Men
The Homburg-ler
Bonnet Scott
Cloche Encounters
Trilby once...shame on me, trilby twice...won't get trilbyed again.
Derby Hancock
The Tryolean Candidate

Short Answer: I'm wasting my life.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Question: What scares you?

Chapter 1

Water - because of what's in it. Whales, giant squid, sharks, and god knows what else.
The Dark - because of what's in it. Demons, ghosts, dirty old woman, Japanese horror movie characters etc.
Spiders - because they're wily and I don't know what they're thinking.
Centipedes - because they can totally kill spiders.
Heights - because they can totally kill me.
Large groups of people - because they're unpredictable and squishy.
Enclosed spaces - because I can't move my arms and attempt to fly away. I'm not sure I understand this one.
Failure - because feeling you can't achieve something is the blurst.
Success - because who wants to have to work hard to sustain it, am I right?
Hypocrisy - Just kidding.

Short Answer: I like to think I have a healthy fear of everything. I'm also afraid that might be a bad thing.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Question: Tell us a joke, please. It must contain waffles and a blowdryer.

What did the waffle say to the blowdryer after sex?

I appreciate oral as much as the next guy, but your breath was so warm that I couldn't stay hard. It's never happened to me before, I swear. Normally I stay frozen. Also, nice grill. And I appreciate that your 'button' is easy to find. Maybe next time use the cool setting.


Why did the college dorm have so many blowdryers?

Because waffles get burnt on a hot plate?

Hilarious, if you like jokes that don't have jokes in them. This is hard.

A waffle, a blowdryer and a thermometer walk into a bar.

What'll you have? asks the bartender.

Do you have any Belgian beers? asks the waffle.
Do you have any dry wine? asks the blowdryer.
Do you have any open bumholes? asks the thermometer.

I guess that's more of a thermometer joke, really.

I might have to throw in the towel on this one. To be fair, this is by far the hardest thing I ever have to do on blog, these jokes where people give me something that I have to include. One last try.

A man in college is blowdrying a frozen waffle one morning when his girlfriend wakes up.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"The toaster isn't working," the man says.
"Why don't you use the iron?" she says.
"I didn't want to get pancake batter all over this waffle," he says.

Get it? 'Cause he uses household appliances to cook multiple kinds of breakfast foods!

I'm a terrible human being.

Short Answer: Fail.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Question: If I'm craving burgers in Vancouver, where's a good place to go?

My house.

This answer will probably be a let down for some, because I'm not going to include any gourmet restaurant style burgers. There are lots out there, and if you have the money and the inclination to burger up at a place you need reservations, be my guest. I'm more inclined to take a cheaper route.

There's a place on Main that I really like called Splitz Grill. Pretty straightforward and a little overpriced, you're paying not only for the simplicity but also the consistency. Every time I've been there I've been pleased, and their poutine was pretty good too which is a big thing for me and burger joints.

That's probably my favorite of the restaurant burgers in town. I know a lot of people claim that Moderne Burger is the best in town, but I find their beef to be terribly under-seasoned, so fuck them. I like Roxy Burger downtown - the bison in particular - but the location feels like a dirty stinkhole. Save On Meats, Argo Café and Cannibal Café are also high end choices, without feeling like you're being gourmet-ed to death. Also, Vera's can be good, though inconsistent, and Five Guys has been good so far on a couple of visits.

My favorite burger in town will make some laugh. It's Fatburger. Simple, I can taste all the ingredients, and I feel like I'm getting all the best from both the fast food and the restaurant world in terms of burgerdom. It's right down the middle to provide sustenance for my basest burger cravings. And that little bit of fast food feel brings the consistency I'm looking for, as well as avoiding the feeling that I'm overpaying for someone's idea of a 'specialty' burger.

Short Answer: In truth, I haven't frequented some of the best places enough to rank these burgers properly. Maybe one day, right before I die of a massive coronary.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Question: How do you feel about the upcoming Flash series?

I wish they'd stop putting my beloved childhood heroes on television and making them look like pajama jockeys of questionable talent.

Short Answer: This isn't something I like to talk about very much. I think my Flash t-shirt shrank the first time I heard this was happening. Also, if they think they're going to be able to build a Justice League movie from characters depicted on a low-budget, poorly scripted TV show, they're in for a big surprise, and we're in for a bad Justice League movie.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Question: Who/what has jumped the shark lately?

Nothing glaring comes to mind in the what category. Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D is pretty frigging bad but it hasn't been around long, and it was never good. I'm watching the new season of 24, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I don't know if it's me, or the show's not as good, or it's doing too good a job repeating itself; whatever the case, I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to, and that feels like a shark jumping for sure.

As for the who's, the first person that comes to mind is poor Johnny Depp. The guy has been in half-a-dozen stinkers in a row. Now I know his talent is not up for debate, but in terms of his career at the top of the Hollywood A-list, he's gotta make some money at some point, or no studio will hire him.

Now that I'm thinking about it, you know what's jumped the shark? Reality television. I couldn't give two shits about amazing races, deserted islands, real or fake housewives, what the fucking Kardashians are doing, who's fat, stupid and loud or who loves coupons.

Oh, and another thing. 3D movies. Nice money grab, Hollywood, you piece of shit. I hardly ever watch 3D movies, but more and more it's getting jammed down my throat. I want to go to the theatre to see something and it's playing seven hundred times a day in 3D, and three times on the regular screen. So last weekend I saw both Godzilla and Spider-Man in 3D, and let me tell you something, it didn't matter. There wasn't a single thing that happened in those movies that immersed me the way 3D is supposed to. Nothing came flying off the screen to scare me, nothing was setup and filmed in 3D on purpose. All it does in its post-conversion iteration is create more depth of field, something that film (and our eyes) do anyway. So instead of making anything pop, it just makes everything else seem blurry. It's time to give this shit up, and justify your expensive tickets another way. We'll still pay ridiculous prices for the escape of the theatre experience, unless you keep this up and my experience is lessoned by what you're doing to my eyeballs.

Short Answer: My eyeballs are connected to my wallet, after all.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Questions: Will the Republicans lose Congress this year?

I don't care.

I am as of right now retiring from dealing with any questions about American politics that catch me up in a rant about the stupidity of government.

Here's what the government is comprised of: Lobbyists and Stupid Bitches. That's it. Why would I waste my time on either group?

It doesn't matter if the Republicans lose congress. People think this will mean that the Democrats will finally make the world a better place or some shit. We forget that most of them are owned too. Just because we like their lobbyists better doesn't make the system any less insane.

I don't think I care who's in control anymore. Scratch that, I'm starting to think I want a Republican dominated government. They might be assholes, but at least the government will do something on a regular basis.

Okay, see? I'm starting to rant again. I've said all this shit before, and it's not like their governance is inspiring me to new ideas or episodes of flooding forgiveness. Everyone is owned, the end.

Short Answer: They focus so hard on winning elections through nefarious means, I assume they'll remain in power in congress.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Question: Who do the voodoo that you do?

Voodoo scares me, and I don't like this question.

But as for credit, I do all the voodoos here, thank you very much. There are no other voodoers on the premises. I strangle all the chickens and poke all the little dolls (if you know what I'm saying). Seriously, I masturbate and have sex with many beautiful women.

Some claim that when you begin to have sex with many beautiful women, you lay off your own package. This for me wasn't the case, and - based on discussions I've had - doesn't seem to be the case with others who are willing to talk about their own meat flagellation. In fact, for me the opposite was true. When I started banging my then girlfriend/now wife, I increased my masturbation schedule.

I suppose the main difference is that the guilt and longing are gone, and the shame is minimized somewhat, depending on the debauchery you're imagining or viewing, because you also have a real person at your disposal on occasion. This makes masturbation more fun, because you don't have to do it. It's all happy tissues instead of sad tissues.

Short Answer: I have no idea what this question was really about. I'm the only one who voodoos like me, to my knowledge. Disagree with me and you'll get the pins, baby!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Question: Did you think Spider-Man sucked too?

I'm not sure what people want anymore. And I don't mean to sound like an old fuddy-duddy, but is the internet just a place where people can go to preach and shout down others' opinions, because in real life they don't have the back bone or the intelligence to explain their feelings properly on a particular subject?

I'm at the point where I scold myself if I ever read a comment or a review, because I know nothing good can come of it.

But because Amazing 2 was a lowly 53% on Rotten Tomatoes (yet a 7.5 on IMDB) I read a few. Again, it seems that people readily throw out phrases that include the words plot, character and dialogue, but what they don't do is explain - through knowledge or example - how these things are failing. It's like movie reviewing has gone in the toilet since everyone gets to do it on their computers, and modern reviewers don't understand that they have to back up what they're saying for it to sound legitimate.

Don't get me wrong. 'This is a poop' is a legitimate review. No need to go into the anatomy of a poop and compare the points in an extended metaphor where 'Fellini's influence as indigestible corn' pops up as a statement. But if you're going to beat the shit out of a movie, you should be able explain why you hate it.

I could go on, but I think through the process of writing this post that I've learned that I'm officially finished trying to explain this shit to people. When it comes to pop culture, everyone thinks their opinion is valid. In some circles, perhaps it is. But when you get into finer critique, you should illustrate somehow that you know what you're talking about. Comparison to techniques, other films, other stories or characters, explaining what works, what doesn't and why. It's not complicated. Some still do it right. I advise you to seek those people out.

I liked this movie. I felt what I was supposed to feel, was entertained by the parts I was supposed to be entertained by. Sure I had a few things that I thought, 'I'd have done that differently' or 'Why didn't they stick to the source material' or 'What's with Jamie Foxx's fucking hair?' but those do not a bad movie make. And yet, if that was all I focused on, it might sound like a bad movie, and I might feel coerced to give it a lower rating because all I wrote about was what didn't work, so I must not have liked it very much.

If a few more people in the world had the ability to just admit, right from the get go, that they didn't like it and they can't think of a good reason why, the world would be a better place. No one can argue with your feelings and your opinions. But if you present them as more, as critique or fact, you better be able to back it up, or you're just bawling and mewling, and that's nothing interesting to someone like me.

Short Answer: If we can't exchange ideas and learn from each other, see new perspectives, be positive and have a real discussion about the merits of art, then shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

(Note: I'm aware that the reason reviews have suffered is because of the influx of opinion brought about by the increasing connectivity of the world. The core audience for reviews is now 'everyone' and most everyone isn't an expert in film or music or whatever the case may be. The internet is dumbing critique down, as the audience who wants to hear the critique becomes more and more the lowest common dominator. So get off my lawn, kids.)

Monday, May 19, 2014

Question: Fury of Dracula board game. Right?!

Fury of Dracula is a board game where one person plays Dracula, scooting about Europe trying to remain unseen, while the other players (1-4 of them) play characters from the book - vampire hunters - trying to catch his old, wrinkly ass.

My friends and I like this game, and we've played it regularly over the years. I've been Dracula often enough that it has become something of a pattern that I get my white ass handed to me when I play the titular bloodsucker. I may have won once, even twice, but if I have I can't remember, because of all the other times that I've been found either immediately because I'm terrible, or luckily because I'm not terrible and God hates me.

But the game is good fun. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for a fun co-op game, as the hunters get a lot of opportunity to strategize and plan as they try to gradually tighten their net around the big bad. Also there's fighting, and the theme is solid, and the art is good enough.

Short Answer: Right.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Question: If you were a Star Wars character, who would you be?

If we're talking how I am in real life, not in some fantasy version of my life where I wear cool bikinis, I'd say I'm probably the guy who gets choked by Vader in the round table meeting in the first movie. (And by first movie I mean chronologically first, not whatever the fuck the Phantom Penis is.) What I'm trying to say is, my lack of faith is disturbing.

I also might be Greedo. Some dude who talks too much and then gets shot for it before ineffectually firing a round into the wall.

If I could choose which Star Wars character to be, I'd probably go with Boba Fett. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, here, because I know lots of people are Fett fans, but the idea that in a crazy place like that you could have your own rules and your own ship and eat where you want and stay up late, that seems like the least amount of responsibility in the Star Wars universe. Everyone else is trying to blow up a Deathstar, or protect a Deathstar, or build a Deathstar, and I'm at Space McDonald's having a fucking Mcrib (which is on the menu all year round in that universe I've decided) waiting to see where I can pick up my next few bucks laser blasting the fuck out of some nerd.

Another angle would be if I was sort of like myself, and I sort of got to choose, I would end up being some sort of dark side dude. Because I'd be so cocky that I'd think I could learn from the dark side, and then still make decisions that were good. So I'd have all these bad-ass powers, but I'd evolve to not be a jerk about them. Yea, once in awhile I'd slice off a hand or two, but in general I'd be a force of good with a red-ass light saber and a penchant for choking the shit out of those who I don't find impressive enough.

Short Answer: Let's be fair. I'm probably the storm trooper that bangs his head on the door.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Question: Has Godzilla outstayed his/her welcome?

Why would you think that? He's only been in 28 movies, I think.

It's possible, some years before the Roland Emmerich debacle, that people were done with the big grey dude. But I recall quite a bit of buzz about that film, and people being excited that he was getting the big screen Hollywood treatment.

Then the turd dropped from the sky and it looked like we'd felled the mighty beast once and for all. Not with a bang, but with a bomb.

Despite this, Godzilla 2000 came out about a year later, and we found out that people didn't really give a shit about Godzilla anymore, whether he be old school, or an egg laying lady dragon.

Now, it seems that there is some buzz for the new Godzilla, so I guess they waited long enough. And fourteen years is a long fucking time, especially if you follow how quick things can get rebooted in Hollywood these days.

I don't think he's overstayed his welcome at all. I think of Godzilla as a classic, iconic character, and it's possible that at any point, someone will make a good movie surrounding him. I haven't seen the new one yet, and I'm personally hopeful, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm excited. Perhaps his welcome isn't worn out, so much as his visits have become a little stale. Like that uncle who was fun when he was drinking, and now he doesn't say much and never brings presents. Oh, and that uncle wears a stupid rubber suit.

Short Answer: Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are in the new Godzilla, so it can't be all bad.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Question: Why don't dudes sit down to pee?

Apparently it would be better for our prostates if we did. Do we listen? No! More pussy, please!

I had a job once (pause for laughter) and at this said job I had a boss who tried to make us all sit down to pee because he wanted to cut down on 'splash'. I told him he could go fuck himself.

We have rifling in our urethra to keep the stuff going straight, so it would seem like a bit of a waste to take our awesome, twirly pees and turn them into what girls do: a hacking cough full of damp sputum. Or I assume that's what it's like (pause to pretend Keith's never been peed on by a girl).

I'll go with convenience on this one. Or at least perceived convenience. Peeing standing up feels like the quickest way to get back to all the other man stuff we're so eager to do, even though sitting takes only a second and is in fact one of the things we're eager to get back to. Maybe if the bathroom had Cheetos and HBO it would be a different story. Or if we could just pee in the couch somehow. Yea, that's the ticket. (Pause to contemplate that the 'ticket' in this scenario is a couch cushion absolutely soaked with urine, like a tampon pulled from a whale.)

Short Answer: Yes, I know that tampons don't collect urine. Geez. Tampon sticklers are the worst. (There should be a part of the tampon - the applicator jobby, obviously - that should be renamed the tampon stickler. Also, 'tampon stickler' would be a funny translation for a murderer's nickname in a French movie. "He's killed seven people, left them soaking in their own blood. We call him, Pointilleux Tampons." Of course, tampon has to be tampons in French. Joke over!)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Question: Will the Habs win the Cup?

I don't think so.

I think Chicago is looking poised, especially now that Boston and Pittsburgh are done. Though if LA gets through Anaheim, I'd fear them as well.

I don't even think the Habs will get past the Rangers, because Alain Vigneult rules, and it feels like the last dose of salt in the wound to have the Canucks former coach take NY to the finals in his first year there, while we had to eat Tortorella beats all season.

Les Habitants are overachieving, and that often comes up short. Especially if you're a Canadian team. (See: Recent History)

Short Answer: My uncle was a Boston fan when I was growing up, so it's hard for me to get behind the Canadiens. And Cam Neely, of course. I love Cam Neely.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Question: What are some funny ways to tell your boss you're going to be late for work?

My dog ate the TPS reports. I'm waiting for him to poop.

Traffic is like your plaque-filled arteries this morning.

My car is depressed due to lack of upward mobility.

Someone broke the glass ceiling all over highway 99.

I slept in because I played so hard last night, as you suggested in that speech.

I didn't want to completely ace my performance review.

I was at your daughter's house, and she can't seem to get enough of my balls.

I felt obliged to give your other daughter a ride to the abortion clinic.

Your son has taken a fancy to my wiener, and likes it like a radio shock-jock. 'Mouth in the morning.'

I was having relations with all other members of your immediate family.

Short Answer: That really just degraded into me banging a bunch of people.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Question: Misogyny? You in?

Misogyny can't be spelled without gyny. I just thought of that.

No I'm not fucking in. There was a time, when I was youthful and less likely to stroke out, that I had some strange ideas. I hadn't met many women that I liked, and young people - girls in this case - aren't particularly good representatives of their gender as a whole.

Then I met my wife, and she was awesome and all that doubt and confusion went away. Because there are people of all sorts with all sorts of gunk between their legs, and 'boobs or not' is hardly relevant in any situation except breast feeding.

Places where women get proper education are awesome. That says it all. And if we educated women even more, the world would be a better place. That means, sadly, misogyny has played a part in keeping our world from achieving its potential, and has aided in keeping people of the world trapped in shitty circumstances.

Also, I have a mother. I don't see how anyone who had a mother - which is most of you - could think too many bad things about ladies. I'm very nearly a momma's boy, in fact, and because of that, I have the highest respect for what ladies are capable of. Namely, creating and molding a me.

But in general, I'm a big proponent of equality. Actual equality. The idea that there's a term for disliking women specifically is dumb. We should dislike all genders equally. They're all idiots, once you get past the scrotum and/or ovaries.

Short Answer: Maybe Hillary Clinton as president will do some good on this front, though after the way America has treated Obama, I fear it may not. People love their prejudices.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Question: If you were asked to clear the poop deck, what would you do?

I guess if I was on a ship I'd do what I was told, unless I'd smuggled aboard and been accidentally seen by an officer who thought me a lowly deckhand and tried to put me to work in which case I'd sneak back to my hidey hole between the limes and the rum.

If this were in regular life, I'd probably assume something along the lines of "Oh shit. They know I'm the one who fuck-destroyed up the bathroom."

Either way, I ain't doing shit. Pardon the pun. And pardon the use of the phrase pardon the pun. I assumed it would be okay. And sorry for using the word assume. It makes an ass out of some of us or something. And sorry for the run-n sentence in the first paragraph. I thought it would be humorous.

Short Answer: Sorry for using a short answer.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Question: Farley Mowat?

I try not to sit on a question for a few days, unless it's obviously time sensitive. For example, if any one of my 'fans' had been given the good sense to ask me a question about Mother's Day, I'd have saved it for today.

This question came in right after Mr. Mowat died, and I felt no desire to address it at the time. I still don't, to be truthful, but you all know my rule. I will answer every question. And in honor of Mr. Mowat's accomplishments, I won't puss out.

It's hard to take a man seriously when his name makes you think of a festive seventies bush, or the process of reducing the density and footage of a festive seventies bush.

"I don't want to date her. Jack says she has big nipples and a Farley Mowat."
"I don't want to date her. She needs to go see Jack at the salon and get a full blown Farley Mowat."

As for the man and his work...seventies bush.

By all accounts, Farley Mowat was awesome. As a man who's spirit animal is the wolf (or bunny rabbit depending on who you talk to), I appreciate that his work with arctic wolves gave a lot of insight into their behaviour. He was considered an environmentalist, and championed other causes as well, besides the respect and admiration he gained for being a truthful and poetic writer.

Like always, I encourage you to learn. Look him up yourself, use the computer device, I won't be supplying a life story. In fact, I won't be supplying anymore at all.

Short Answer: "I know I'm not very good at it, Martha, it's just that every other girl I've been with had a fucking Farley Mowat between her legs, and I could never find my way around. You shouldn't need a machete or flint and steel for cunnilingus, am I right?"

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Question: Scenario: person next to you on flight smells like sweaty gherkin smuggler, what do you do?

I don't mean to not sound like a know-it-all, but what the fuck does a sweaty gherkin smell like? I mean, I guess the guy was sweaty, and somehow on top of that he smelled like something sweet, pickled and smuggled, but I'm finding myself floundering within the description here.

Being really sweaty can smell like pickling, I guess. Vinegar feet is a thing. Did he just smell like feet? Oh, right, the sweet part. Can you even smell sweetness?

There's not much you can do if you're a giant pussy, but if you have any scrote you'll man up and ask to be moved. Otherwise, it's time to make a difficult suggestion to your pickle friend that he hit the bathroom and try to skim off a layer before the flight starts. You might also need to encourage a mid-flight un-dampening as well, depending on how long the flight is.

What do you call getting acclimatized to smell? Is it still just acclimatized? 'Cause that's a possibility too, that you'll just get used to living inside a sweat sock.

Am I asking a lot of questions today for someone who professes to the know the answers?

Short Answer: No.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Question: Is anything off-limits?


I and many others have spoken on this point before. As someone who is trying to make others laugh, to make them feel good, to distract them, to heal them, to entertain them, I believe I have carte blanche when it comes to topics. Anything that can achieve these goals is on the table. If I choose just one thing that is precious to me, or pull one punch for fear it will offend, it drifts me away from the goal and turns me into a hypocrite. Now being a hypocrite isn't the end of the world, but more importantly, I lose my credibility. If I don't want to make a joke about that one thing, doesn't that mean it's possible I have sensibilities in other areas? If I don't want to make jokes about abortion, doesn't that mean that when I make jokes about racism I care about that a little less? Doesn't that sort of make me a racist - or whatever the case may be - if everything isn't on the same level of accessibility?

The only level of accessibility that's even, equal and fair across the board is all jokes are go. Or no jokes are go, I guess, but then you're not spreading nearly as much positivity. (And maybe wasting a talent that is very important to the mental health of the entire world.)

People are going to get offended. They spend their time with their thumbs up their asses, waiting to soapbox at the drop of a clichéd hat so they can have an identity and confirm that identity for the world. The beauty of humour is that if it offends you, you can stop listening. You can leave it for those that it helps.

Short Answer: Nothing is off-limits, as long as the motivation is pure and consistent, and the recipient can turn away and never come back if he doesn't like it. Comedians aren't clockwork oranging people with this shit, so everybody take a breath.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Question: I heard the word 'krinner' as in 'she's a krinner', could you please explain?

Sounds like one of those combo words that someone jammed together, thinking it was funny.

Let's go over some options.

Could be combining krill and dinner, as in, that woman eats krill for dinner, i.e. she's a fucking whale. Did you see that girl lying down across four seats? What a fucking krinner!

Could be combining Krypton (the planet of Superman's birth) with breadwinner, i.e. that person always makes a large amount of money right before a huge crisis, like they know that shit is coming. Is she into insider trading? Maybe, she's a bit of a krinner.

Could be Kraut and beginner. That krinner just moved to Germany. He'll learn.

Could be Kraft and dinner. That chick looks like she'd taste good with ketchup or she looks like she could appreciate a low-income style meal. Yep, krinner.

How about kris and spinner? A Malayan dagger with a wavy blade looks as though it could be spun by that lady. Does she like sentences in the passive voice?  Is she krinning for money, or just for fun?

Kronor and prizewinner. That lady has a lot of disposable income for a beautiful blonde. She must have won a contest in Sweden. What a lucky krinner!

What a mess. Ladies and gentlemen, after a deep-sea photo finish, we have two krinners! Both of those kraken have crossed the finish line at the same exact moment! For the first time in underwater Olympic history, we have kraken cowinnners! Amazing, Jerry. I thought Steve had him by a beak.

Did that historical Russian building have some work done? I don't what it is, but the Kremlin just looks thinner to me.

I think that's probably enough.

Short Answer: Those aliens of the Marvel universe don't follow the tenets of the Bible, because they're not even aware of Christianity. That means the Kree aren't sinners in any conventional sense...except for their war with the Skrull! Am I right? Anyone? Shit.

Note: The funniest thing about this post is the idea that at the end of a kraken race, rather than put their tentacles forward to reach over the line, they stretch out with their beaks, which means they're going so fast that their tentacles are splayed out behind them.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Question: How often would you say the ladies "twirl the pearl?"

I've never heard that expression before. It is dumb.

Statistically speaking, about 9 out of 10 women masturbate (assuming I understood the premise here) and two-thirds of them do it at least 3 times a week. (I'm discrediting face to face studies, by the way, because people are embarrassed liars when they have to look someone in the eye.)

But according to other statistics, women never masturbate and god is king.

Some studies claim that masturbation is far less prevalent than society believes, but those studies are wrong. That's the same as studies that show 'large sections of the adult male population do not look at porn'. Ha!

Like anything else that consumes time, people masturbate to fit their schedules and their lifestyles. Typically it's assumed that women do it less than men, and that's probably true, same as peeing in the shower and picking your nose. Women just don't feed it to themselves as often as men do, 'cause they're dainty and we're gross. Or something like that.

Though if you ask a woman if she's ever masturbated on the toilet with one finger up her nose, she'd probably say no. But we'd all know she was lying.

Short Answer: Twirl the pearl? Really? How about finger sandwiching?

Monday, May 5, 2014

Question: Who do you think should be the next Head Coach of the Canucks? Why?

Hey man! That's two questions!

I thought about leaving this for another day because I'm not really in the mood to get into all the details. Instead I'll answer honestly, to the possible disappointment of those interested.

I want Todd McLellan of the San Jose sharks, but those assholes over there don't seem to want to fire him just yet, so I have to play this other game of considering people other than Todd McLellan.

Ugh. Part of me wants a really clean slate with an unheard of GM and Coach to take the team in a new and exciting direction, while another part of me wants the two biggest names they can find to steer the ship to shore one last time before our core gets too far along in years.

I think either the GM or the Coach needs some serious previous experience, otherwise its Trevor Linden - the proverbial blind in terms of experience - leading the blind.

I guess Barry Trotz is available, but despite his tenure, I don't remember Nashville ever winning the cup. And in the same realm as McLellan in terms of guys who better get it right pretty fuckin' soon is Dan Bylsma in Pittsburgh. I'd really like to see him here, but I guess I can't choose someone who might not be available, especially if the Penguins go deep.

John Stevens from LA looks good, but I'm weary of another defensive guru. Both Kirk Muller and Guy Boucher are out there, but if Trotz ain't good enough because of his record, those guys are schmoes.

I think I'm going to go off-board here and say if it isn't one of the big guns like Trotz, McLellan or Bylsma, I'd like to see Kevin Dineen behind the Canuck's bench. I've been very impressed with the way he's handled the women's national team. That team in Sochi was calm, cool and collected and looked able to handle most any situation, and Kevin's demeanor will be a welcome one after a fiery year with that other guy.

Short Answer: Dineen.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Question: Hello Keith, should I watch the TV show Vikings?

You should watch the show Rome.

Vikings messes with me. I've watched the entire first season, as well as every episode except the finale of season two. Sometimes it's quite good. The battle scenes are well choreographed and bloody, and they don't skimp on duration. The acting is good, and the story as well. The writing in terms of dialogue isn't bad, but at times it's uninspired and clichéd, except for a couple of characters that shine.

Despite all its gore, the show has no nudity, and suffers from that choice. There have been so many scenes where sexuality is in play, or actual sex, where we've had to deal with that choice. And these scenes more often than not are character relevant if not plot relevant, so the lack of nudity as it plays out is very distracting and disconcerting. In a show like this, where we're suspending our disbelief to the point that we're taken away to a distant land with customs that are foreign to us, it is important that we stay immersed. Having a scene that feels like they're desperately trying to avoid nudity is the same as a scene where someone mistakenly talks about taking their Suburu out for a spin.

To be honest, I often watch Vikings while I'm doing something else. It's like I feel that I've given it the thumbs up, and that I like enough of it that I'm now obliged to watch. But I'm never excited about it, and would be just as happy hearing it as a radio show.

I guess that's not much of an endorsement.

Short Answer: I'd say give it a few episodes. It might hook you. Just don't expect long, drawn out stories with epic payoffs. The show is quickly paced in terms of moving the timeline, so the payoffs are right around the corner. For some, this is probably great. For me, it feels like they're constantly switching gears. I can never quite settle into any given situation.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Question: What type of musicians are the worst? Jazz Cats / singer-songwriters / concertmaster violinists / other?

First things fuckin' last. If there's a type of musician called a Jazz Cat, or some type of cat that performs jazz, that shit should not be grouped with the worst-ofs. It should be at the top of some sort of entertainment pyramid above the line that states 'here's where you get free hookers'.

Violin is hard, so that's definitely not the worst.

Though I'd like to go off-board here and be creative and junk, I think you nailed it with singer-songwriters. Let's look to me as an example. I'm smart and fantastic, yet when I used to sing and write songs I didn't get free hookers. I barely got any poon love at all. Why? Because I wasn't all that great. Sure I can keep a tune going, and I can play the instrument, and I'm a poet of some repute, but that does not a Bob Dylan make. You have to have something special, and it takes a little time to mature and realize that you ain't got it.

I guess the point I'm getting at is that most people don't reflect on themselves nearly as much as I do. Therefore, through lack of effort - or denial skills as wicked as nun-chuck skills - they never come to terms with the fact that they aren't special, and the songs they write are generic garbage at best. And the reason they're the worst, is they're often the most hopeful and the most needy, so setting them straight makes you feel like you just stepped on a innocent, wide-eyed furry creature with a tear gleaming in its eye.

So you have to listen to it, and pretend you don't want to chuck-up all over their Dockers, and it licks lady balls. And the best you can do when they ask you how it went, is to say, "You ever thought of night school?"

Short Answer: Even super hot chicks, who can actually play the guitar and have amazing voices, still sound just like every other super hot chick who can play the guitar and has an amazing voice. You have to be good and different. And I just depressed myself entirely. Have fun spending the rest of the day writing knock-off fantasy literature, me!

Friday, May 2, 2014

Question: What are some funny nicknames for boxers?

It will probably help if you put a normal first and last name around these entries, to heighten the effect. Do it in your head, or out loud at work, or scream it at the bus stop.

Here's a suggestion. Try using your own name for extra fun!

'Buyer's Market'
'The Wiener Dog'
'Earth Sign'
'The Fallopian Ranger'
'Paternity Test'
'Goo Trunks'
'The Limp Handshake'
'Sold Out'
'Butt Smell'
'Chin Folds'

Okay, I can' help myself, I gotta add names.

Karl Pickles Maldanado
Andre Buyer's Market Strump
Elliot Statistics Weasley
Johnny The Wiener Dog Kemp
Allen Earth Sign Macintosh
Horatio Witchy Williams
Ted The Fallopian Ranger Thomas
Pascal Paternity Test Simmons
Gary Goo Trunks Mcginty
Harold Nuggets Offerman
Sarah Oppenheimer Schmidt
Doug The Limp Handshake Bellefort
Ken Sold Out Monteith
Jesus Clambake Hernandez
Mickey Butt Smell O'Houlihan
Devarius Chin Folds Johnson

Short Answer: 'TPS Reports' is a funny name, too.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Question: What's missing?

Well, I didn't think anything was. Now you've got me wondering.

I've got my keys, my wallet, my health, love, friends, fulfillment, ambition, skills, talents, a new hockey stick, hobbies, a telecaster, a desire to better myself, functioning sexual organs, a wife with nice boobs, a car, a roof, food, the ability to change anything, the ability to handle whatever life throws at me, a strange mole or two, herpes and a chip on my shoulder that makes me lash out at injustice.

I'd like to have a pool, I guess.

Short Answer: I would be foolish to dwell on what's missing in my life, rather than what I have. Wait, I said I had my keys, didn't I? Where the fuck...noooooooooo!