Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Question: Is clairvoyance bullshit?

Yes. The proof being that you had to ask the question at all.

I'm willing to concede that weird shit happens in the world, things that are inexplicable, but I always fall under the UFO heading. UFO means unidentified flying objects. That exists, but it don't mean aliens, brother.

If things like clairvoyance were real, there'd be scientific proof by now. We've taken all other things that the human brain can do and looked at them firing interesting lobes in interesting colors, so why isn't there a 'he's using his pscyho-campus here to read minds' study?

I say the same of all other sketchy business. Sure, science isn't perfect, but it does have a pretty famous method. When applied, it has unravelled the secrets of existence. If applied to sketchy business, it unravels nothing. Now why do you think that is?

And as a side note, science has proven how cold reading works, how the human brain is prone to be distracted in certain ways, and how it can be manipulated by those in the know. All of that has been examined and explained. There's not a lot of room left for magic, I'm sorry to say.

Short Answer: You can make some pretty accurate guesses without a lot of experience, just based on human tendencies. Things like 'think of a card' and a huge percentage of people think of the seven of diamonds. Name a two-digit number between 1 and 50 where the numbers aren't the same, and a huge percentage of people think 37. That's just the surface. Science explains these things, mind reading does not.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Question: Make up a new blonde joke.

Why did the blonde put a bell in her pussy?

So she could let her boyfriend know when her menstrual cycle was coming.

That's not really good, I guess, because it's not the cycle that she's warning him about, it's the particular part of the cycle. Shit. Let's try again.

Why did the blonde stick a playing card in her gash?

Because she wanted to decorate her menstrual cycle.

This is a little better, but some won't understand that people used to put playing cards in the spokes of their bikes. Let's go again.

Why did the blonde wear a bike helmet all day?

Because someone told her she had a menstrual cycle between her legs.

This might be further away than the previous one. Funny to picture a blonde wearing a stupid helmet, and believable that she didn't get the cycle thing, but not as punchy.

Why did the blonde pour bleach into her vagina?

Nope, no, this is off-track.

Why did the blonde attach handle-bars to the head of her bed?

So she could control her menstrual cycle.

Close. Doesn't quite get to the idea or the image that she's getting banged and trying not to get pregnant by wrenching on the handlebars.

Why did the blonde always wear bike shorts under her pants?

The doctor told her she had an unpredictable menstrual cycle.

Tah-dah! It may not seem like much on its own, but separate from the process, I think that's a winner. May be a little convoluted, but hits on the finer points of her thinking the cycle is a bicycle, and coming up with a solution that helps her deal with the fact that at any time - due to unpredictability - she may need to be ready to ride a bike. Also blends into the idea that somewhere underneath her stupidity, she knows she needs to pack something tightly against her undercarriage.

Short Answer: There's a gander into the comedic process.

(UPDATE: My wife has informed me that my final version of the joke is not good. She suggested: Why did the blonde put a straight jacket on her bike? Because the doctor said she had an unpredictable cycle.)

Monday, April 28, 2014

Question: How would Jesus poo?

Despite his original squatter leanings, I'm guessing they have more modern situations at the right hand of god. I'm thinking when he returns to the mortal coil (get it?) he'll be a big fan of the whole japanese toilet experience. The ability to control the bidet temperature sounds like something the saviour of mankind would have an appreciation for.

Does the Messiah even poop? How's that for a question? He probably did on the first go around, but if he's just coming back to rapture the Christains, shame the Jews, and fuck over the rest of us, will he even have time to take a crap? And if so, will they be craps of neccessity rather than comfort?

I think so. I think Jesus Christ will probably crap on the plains of armageddon, droping loose dooks from the sky as he floats by over head.

Short Answer: Jesus would poo like a bird.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Question: What advice do you have for an underachieving octopus?

Use those suckers on your arms to hang in there?

What exactly is an octopus trying to achieve? If he's got 8 terrifying tentacles he's already accomplished his two main goals - being weird looking and making me screech like an out of tune radio.

Is there some sort of underwater hierarchy I'm not aware of? Is every octopus that isn't wearing a bowtie a total fuckup?

I would think that getting enough food is probably the big goal, and octopussia (?) are evil enough to do that, so they're probably achieving about as much as any arthropod.

You guys ever hear that story about the sharks that were going missing from the aquarium? When they finally got a camera in there, they found out the innocent, noble octopus had been murdering and eating them. Nice.

I saw a video once of an octopus squeaking through a tiny hole on a boat, pulsing its body over and again and pressing itself out like a playdoh machine. Apparently, as long as their beak can fit through, so can the rest.

Yea. Their beak.

I think octopussies (?) are among the luckiest animals on planet earth, in the sense that they don't have to do a whole lot to be impressive, therefore my hypothesis is that there are few underachieving octopussies. Any that consider themselves underachieving probably have some sort of inferiority complex, and are judging their situation incorrectly. I would advise going to the offices of some sort of fish that looks funny in glasses.

Short Answer: Octopuses, octopi and octopodes are all correct pluralisations.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Question: How do you impress girls?

I'm handsome, I have a sweet beard, I write poetry, I act in plays, I excel in sports, I play musical instruments, I'm funny as all get out, and I have an interest in improving myself and the world around me.

Oh, you weren't asking twenty year old me? You're asking how I impress girls now?

Are girls impressed by long farts, and relieved sighs afterward?

No? No. No they're not.

Fart. Sigh.

Short Answer: I can still impress a lady or two with my candor, gait and aroma. (Sorry, that was just the funniest combination of words I could come up with. It's not true. I have too much plaque and bacne to impress a woman these days.)

Friday, April 25, 2014

Question: What are some of the worst sounds you've ever heard?

One in particular comes to mind. I was watching a video of an arm wrestle, and these two big old dudes were struggling with each other, and suddenly there was a...I'm not sure really how to describe it. What the sound was - in actuality - was the sound of a spiral fracture occurring in one of the man's forearms. First of all, what the fuck is a spiral fracture? (It's what you think). And second of all, I didn't fucking know that arm wrestling could break your fucking arm!

Anyway, the sound is hard to describe. Let me try.

It was like a POV shot, from the guy who just got a pillow put on his face to muffle the bullet.

It was like if some sort of evil molecular repositioning weapon - wielded by someone named Moleculor or Dr. Molecule - was shot at Snap, Crackle and Pop, fusing them in a nanosecond into one new being. Named Snopkle, I assume.

It was like the final sound before a tunnel gives way and crushes you with thousands of pounds of stone.

It was like someone shot an elephant gun into a suit of armor underwater.

It was the sound of two silent concepts colliding on an atomic level: surprise and horror. Or maybe reality and fragility.

It was like the sound of taking the most popsicle sticks anyone has every snapped in half at the same with their hands, and adding just one more popsicle stick, to create a depth of snapping that has never before been heard by human ears.

It was how I picture the sound of a dick cracking in half, if dicks had bones.

It was the augmented sound of the moment a woman's body becomes infertile, or that of the last sperm a man ever ejaculates.

It was the sound of your three favorite people, lined up next to you three favorite celebrities, having all their necks broken at the same time by Van Damme and five exact clones of Van Damme.

It was the sound of your soul leaving your body, then being clipped by a 747 on the way to Heaven, so that it falls back to earth, useless and soppy, a thing without insides or purpose.

Short Answer: What's the sound of my wife waking me up with a juicy fart compared to all that?

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Question: I'm having trouble coming to terms with my lack of value in this thing we call a society. Any tips?

It is difficult to feel you have no value. One thing that often helps me feel like I have more value is to show my wang to many people. Some scream, some are amused, some beg for a taste, but they're all better for having set eyes on my situation, even if they don't know it while running.

There are many ways to emulate my philosophy. Try giving the guy at the super market a fruit basket when he asks for your membership card. Say, "Here's my membership," and let him have the full beans.

Or surprised your mailman with a glory-hole style fight back, as you dong block your incoming mail.

Even one ball against the glass at the nearest medical office can send your value sky rocketing. Hey, aren't you that guy who puts one ball against the glass? Nice work, bro!

I've often found nudity is the best policy, and is good for reminding a human being of their potency. Think you don't matter? Think you have no value? Think you don't fit it? Drop those trousers and bust out some peen or a puss-lip, you'll be surprised how potent you truly are.

Short Answer: In extreme circumstances, dropping a hefty dook on the floor will really draw people's attention. You will feel a little post public dump guilt, but it might just be worth it. For everyone.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Question: Hi-ya!

Is this a random greeting or a question from Miss Piggy?

Hello back to you.


Don't come at me with that weak shit! Pig style is no match for my family's kung fu! I'll make skewers out of you, crazy pig bitch!

I'm good, I'm okay, I'll be fine...(nearly tears away from those holding him back, flail kicks repeatedly). I'm gonna end you! You're dead you cotton motherfucker!

Short Answer: This is what you get, questions.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Question: What do you do when you're not in the mood to write a post?

Three boiled eggs, then three raw eggs, then some chicken butt, and then the mechanical system of the chicken that creates eggs - fried - then chew repeatedly on the question of which comes first, knowing that there are no eggs without the fried ovaries of a chicken - if that's what you call them - besides the fact that other animals lay eggs so dinosaur eggs were before chickens - though that's also a trick because birds are dinosaurs - then stare into the abyss until Nietzsche stares back.

By then I've got it all pretty much figured out.

Mood is a funny thing. It's kinda like a poop. Comes in all shapes and sized, and can be molded by your will and your hands into something that resembles a brown version of something else.

When I'm not in the mood, I just sit still until I am. It works for me. I think it helps that I'm a fucking lunatic.

Short Answer: Something funny will be along shortly, I say.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Question: When was the last time you used a payphone?

Today, because it's my birthday, my wife decided she would 'guest answer' this post so I wouldn't have to do it.

Her answer: To call your mom, bitch.

Her Short Answer: To call your mom short. Bitch.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Question: Are you going to get high for Easter 4:20?

No. I'm going to have brunch with my mom.

Yikes. That's boring, isn't it?

I have trouble dealing with religion on a regular basis, I don't think it would be a good idea to contemplated the depths of the universe's many mysteries - whether skewed by a creator figure or not - whilst under the heavy gaze of Master Cheeba.

What I'm saying is, I don't want to think about the crucifixion of our lord and savior while riding the ganj pony.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want to think about the resurrection of Christ while floating on a pile of dirty weed clouds.

Here's the thing. God plus being super high on the pot is probably about the same feeling as getting diarrhea when you're drunk. You enjoy it more than you should, and later there's a mess you can barely explain.

I love me some Jesus stories, don't get me wrong, but if I'm getting drilled by Captain Bonghits, I'll start seeing the parallels of his message in other religions, remembering all the deities that the man's legend is based on, and before I know it, I'll be in a stoned fist fight with some evangelical where the rules are 'everything goes but finger banging'.

No deal.

Short Answer: Some things just don't go together. Like bread and soap.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Question: So, you just watched The Purge?

Here are twenty-two quotes by me, taken from the review I refuse to write. To treat a review of a movie like The Purge the way I would treat other reviews - proper essay form, for example - would be to kick the dick and balls of all other movies. I'm angry at this film, and will not resort to upstaging its inadequacy by teaching the people involved in its creation the simple lesson of coherence. They won't get it. And by the way, people of the world who watched this movie and thought it was fine (the 38 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, for example) you need to watch it again, taking note of all the things that are missing and could be improved upon with a little knowledge of the genre, of basic story, of the simplest strokes of character development, of sophistication in storytelling and of the philosophical ideals that are touched upon. If you still don't see the problem, read some genre books until you see how bad this genre entry is. If you can't read, enjoy The Purge a second time!

"The horror of ineffective parenting."

"Children disobey until family pays the price in this pathetic attempt at a moral allegory."

"If you have read one science-fiction novel ever you hate this movie."

"Who needs characters when your premise is this tired?"

"That duct tape should hold. Oh, he's moving around, it won't hold! Let's torture him into being still! How? Press on his wound? Wife's interpretation of press on the wound? Knife-like object inserted into body. Does no damage. Victim works mouth out of duct tape (?), sees their point of view. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

"Stolen ideas and poor execution turn a descent idea into a useless premise."

"A movie that is missing every interesting part of characterization ever come up with by smarter minds."

"The next person to save the day is the person who isn't in the room yet."

"Twists so obvious that M. Night Shyamalan shit in his pantaloons when he watched this piece of fucking garbage."

"Zero characterization for the first forty minutes, zero emotional attachment during the violent forty minute ending."

"When a movie is this short, it's because you forgot something. (Hint: Characters.)"

"Buzz words like New Founding Fathers, and The Purge don't hold up all that well in a movie that takes place only eight years in the future. If you want to set up any sort of Big Brother state, borrowing from the excellence of others, you have to set your story far enough in the future that we the audience can imagine the world having time to degrade that far."

"Rich people don't like other rich people putting extensions on their house. Nice motivation. F."

"So the guy spends all his time selling security systems that keep his neighbors safe, but they hate him for it? By the way, 'equipment to help me get in your house' isn't a F150 and two chains. Terrible movie."

"It's very difficult to stand on the shoulders of others and somehow make them look shorter."

"I've never ranted so much during a movie. Every choice was terrible. Every opportunity lost. No characterization, cookie-cutter plot, see-through surprises, obvious rip-offs and such little moral sense that when the violence finally came, I was too bored and disappointed to care."

"The kind of heavy-handed topical allegory that would be better served smeared across my aggravated scrotum."

"Who are these people? Don't they have characters? They just change their minds arbitrarily? Who wrote this movie, a small dog?"

"The Purge: One neat idea (kid sneaks into house to kill disapproving father) and 80 more minutes of crap. It's like eating a lobster roll at the gas station."

"It's the future! Science has saved the day with the Purge! (Though God is still part of it all for some reason.) People can now take out their frustrations! But there are detractors who think it's just a ploy to thin out the homeless and the poor! And the economy has improved! (America can run more smoothly without cheap labor.) So why oh why does the bad guy in the movie embrace and celebrate class distinction when the people who created and support the Purge clearly try to avoid and downplay those elements? Huh? You forced the 'TV scientist' exposition down our throats, setting up the rules of your 'future' world. Then you break them immediately? So we're to believe that every one who supports the Purge hates poor people? That's how the guy tries to relate to the family? And if he's an aberration, doesn't that have to be made more clear? Oh, yea, and to top off the socio-economic abortion that is this juvenile piece of crap: the rich people hate the guy who worked hard to get rich, because he sold things? Because he supports and embraces Capitalism, the very thing that makes the rich so rich in the first place? And another thing, why put the bad guys in those rip-off masks we've seen in ten other movies, just to have the bad guy take it off immediately, revealing - what? - a Harvard thug? Super scary. I hate this."

"Let's be clear. I love violence. This movie had some violence in it, which should've been fun, mixed with an attempted philosophical debate. But when it's the equivalent of a two-year old's philosophy, the violence becomes two hot wheels cars being rammed together over and over, to the enjoyment of no one but other two year olds."

"There's a big difference between an idea and a great idea. An idea is something everyone has every day. A great idea is when you look back, down the road from genesis, after a successful journey, and say, "What an idea! It really worked out." This is a movie that started with an idea, and by the end of the road, what seemed like a good idea feels instead like a washed-out rag you leave next to the tub so whoever discovers your corpse after you slit your wrists can have a hell of a time trying to clean up the blood."

"This movie is insidious, because it's executed just well enough to fool people into thinking it's a good example of the genre. It isn't. It's a decent idea that is so poorly executed that it becomes a hidden cancer, mimicking the cells around it. You could say it's just good fun, and maybe it is upon second viewing if you can stomach the attempt. But I don't think watching this movie more than once is a good idea. It's not even a decent one."

Short Answer: I disliked this movie so much that I actually ruined it for my wife while we were watching it. I was so incensed because I write stories for a living, and yet I'm watching this thing that feels like an insult to every lesson I've learned, every master writer I've studied, every attempt I make to do something original and tight and emotionally resonant. It was the worst I've ever behaved watching a film, because its lack of sophistication on all fronts upset me in a primal way, almost like its existence was a personal insult.

Maybe I was just being a bitch. It's probably pretty good.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Question: How would you rate the Marvel films that were made over the past ten years?


Oh. You want me to rate them individually? You, sir, are a bit of a butthole.

I assume you mean the Marvel Studios films, and not just films with Marvel characters. If you don't mean that, maybe work a bit harder next time?

The problem is that Marvel Studios only started producing films on their own about six years ago, so now I'm wondering if you mean every movie ever that had a Marvel character. But that's a dick move because I'd be here all day, so let's assume you're not that much of a douche.

I guess I can compromise and do a little list of all the Marvel Studios films and Marvel co-productions of the last decade or so, starting somewhere around Blade in 1998 rather than Elecktra in 2005. I think that's the best compromise here.

The Co-Produced:

Blade (1998): Blade was good, not great. 5/10.
X-Men (2000): X-Men was great, and surprising, and already a little dated. 7/10.
Blade 2 (2002): Blade two blew me away. I loved it, except for that one terrible cgi nightmare in front of the flood lights. 7/10.
Spider-Man (2002): Yea, Raimi raised the bar, bringing a new visual style and some serious comic book delivery. 8/10.
Daredevil (2003): Not as bad as you think. I'll rate the director's cut because it's significantly better. 5/10.
X2 (2003): I think this movie is the first of the great comic book movies. I was highly entertained and it is still one of my favorite cinema going experiences of all time. 8/10.
Hulk (2003): I love Hulk. I love Ang Lee. I loved his approach, the way he interpreted the comic book movie. After repeated viewings, I think I understand why people don't like it, but I'll never understand why people hate it. 7/10.
The Punisher (2004): In my view, one of the worst comic book movies ever made. Thomas Jane? Friendship? 2/10.
Spider-Man 2 (2004): If Raimi didn't quite make the first of the great comic book movies with Spider-Man, he sure as hell made the best one to date with the sequel. Still holds up as a fantastic film in my books. 9/10.
Blade: Trinity (2004): Oops. Here is a nice piece of shit. Thanks to Ryan Reynolds for trying to entertain me. 3/10.
Elektra (2005): Here's an idea, let's take a bunch of the stuff that was mediocre about Daredevil, and make as bad a movie as possible. Success! 1/10.
Man-Thing (2005): Nobody saw this, and that's probably for the best, though I have to admit I enjoyed it despite its lower budget leanings. Would still love to see Man-Thing done the big budget way. 5/10.
Fantastic Four (2005): I was really excited to see this movie at the time, and I think my enthusiasm blinded me for a bit. Looking back, it's not as strong as it could of been, though still entertaining. 7/10.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006): Hey, Marvel? Why don't you release one movie this year and have it be directed Brett Ratner? Okay, cool. 4/10.
Ghost Rider (2007): To hell with the lot of you, I enjoyed Ghost Rider. It was nuts, and stupid, and Cage-y, but it was also Ghost Rider, man! Like actually Ghost Rider on the big screen! 6/10
Spider-Man 3 (2007): To prove that even the mighty can't make a third super hero movie work, Raimi and company jams Venom in to please the fans, and it ends up destroying his trilogy. 4/10.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007): I wanted this movie to be good so badly, that - just like with the first one - I managed to fool myself for a time. A short time. 5/10.
Punisher: War Zone (2008): This movie felt like one of the cheapest films of the category, and yet somehow had a budget twenty million dollars higher than the first Punisher movie. Some claim this movie is great because of all the violence, but it's not. The Punisher - though properly cast this time - is some sort of vagina who loves children a bunch. It made less than a third of its budget back in theatres, making it the lowest grossing movie on this whole list. 4/10.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009): From the first montage, where Wolverine is already having a moral issue with Sabretooth's behaviour, this movie misses the (awkward) title character. I think Hugh Jackman is playing Superman instead, all boyscout and no snikt. 5/10.
X-Men: First Class (2011): Yes. Quality of character and story return to the Marvel cinematic universe (excluding everything Avengers related, of course) after a seven year hiatus, thanks to an amazing cast featuring Mcavoy and Fassbender. Great film. 8/10.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012): Having enjoyed the first one, I thought I was going to dig on this Blade 2 style. Instead, it's the worst directed of the Marvel movies. Hard to watch, uninteresting to follow, and Cage is out of the bag in a bad 'bear-suit' kind of way. Idris Elba is wasted, and should be given a proper franchise stat. 3/10.
The Amazing Spider-Man (2012): People complain about the too soon reboot, but as I've documented, Columbia hadn't had much luck in creating quality since the original Spider-Man, so you can understand the motivation. Plus money, of course. One of the major complaints about this film was that it was not different enough. Sorry to say, it's also one of the major reasons it works. This movie is well-made, modern, engaging and manages to improve on a few things. Get over it, fuckers. 7/10.
The Wolverine (2013): Again, we're promised the 'real' Wolverine. Instead, we get camera work that follows Jackman's chest and angry face (keeping the claws below the frame), too hectic action and a story that seems a little juvenile compared to both the source material and what came before. Somehow watchable despite its flaws, and again disappointing like watching your idiot child fail to learn the simplest lessons. 6/10.

Marvel Studios:

Iron Man (2008): The greatest non-Batman superhero movie ever made. This movie works on all levels, from being accurate to the original material all the way to sucking in the non-believers. RDJ as Tony Stark is the single best casting in all of everything ever ever. 10/10.
Incredible Hulk (2008): As a lover of Ang Lee's vision, I was expecting to have some trouble with this. I didn't. None of the originality of the other successful Marvel Studios movie, but all the quality and execution. Plus Tim Roth, an inspired casting. 8/10.
Iron Man 2 (2010): Better on each viewing, I think it suffered a bit from feeling very similar to the original. But that was kind of the point, wasn't it? 7/10.
Thor (2011): Another homerun as Hemsworth feels like the only possible actor on the planet for the role of Thor. This movie is a great example of what good can come of treating the material with respect. Special thanks to Branagh. 9/10.
Captain America: The First Avenger: (2011): The first half is as good an origin story on screen as Iron Man's, but it lags a little toward the end do to an underdeveloped villain and a bunch of poorly designed world war 2 action montages. But you get the point. 7/10.
The Avengers (2012): Possibly the toughest task in the history of cinema put on Joss Whedon's plate. Make this movie work, respect he audience, the characters, the hardcore fans. Have it be great, accessible and successful. An impressive success on all fronts. 9/10.
Iron Man 3 (2013): Not as bad on second viewing, but a pretty rough departure from the tone and quality of the first two films. You claimed that Disney wouldn't meddle? Then explain to me panic attacks rather than alcoholism? And the Mandarin? For shame. (By the way, as soon as the kid gets Jarvis back on line, they could call in all the other suits. He didn't have to make pop guns.) 6/10.
Thor: The Dark World (2013): Marvel needs a better title guy. Anywho, another solid effort. Felt very much like the continuing story of a great character. Not special, but very solid. 8/10.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier: (2014): There's a title! This movie worked on all fronts, and is a great example not only of the quality and execution that has become Marvel Studios' trademark, but also the evolution of the comic book film into other genres. A great spy thriller, with an impressive cast and some neat choreography that finally brings the proper impact to the super soldier's physical prowess. Though, as a note, can we stop moving the camera so damned much in the fights? Hasn't anyone out there ever seen a kung fu movie? Geez. 9/10.

Short Answer: Good.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Question: How many unicorns does it take to screw in a light bulb?


One to get electrocuted and die, the second to wise up and choose hoofs over horn.

Short Answer: This took me a really long time. So long that I feel like I'm the electrocuted unicorn in the above scenario. Electrocuted Unicorn!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Question: How do we get through to climate change naysayers?

While discussing this very subject the other night, a friend of mine put it very well. (This isn't a direct quote, nor do I know if he was quoting anyone directly, so back off, jerks!) What he said was basically this: You can't use logic and reason to explain something to someone who hasn't used logic and reason to arrive at their point of view. (There, I clunked it up enough so it couldn't possibly be someone's quotable quote.)

You get the idea. I don't know the exact numbers, here, but I'm assuming the people who still don't believe in climate change are the same people who fuck their sisters, don't care so much about teeth, and hate Obama because he's a Kenyan Muslim or something. The facts are there, people just need to be edumacated. And I hate to be the be-all end-all voice on the subject (no I don't) but every time I've seen a 'smart' person on TV claiming that it isn't real, they aren't really very smart, and they get fact-checked to death by someone who doesn't resemble the undercarriage of a pregnant donkey.

And the argument that science has been proven wrong before doesn't hold up very well. That doesn't mean that our lives haven't been improved and made safer by the works of each and every generation of scientists and their findings, despite the fact that new generations build on the previous work to make newer and better discoveries. And it's been a long time since we've had a scientific turnaround like 'we're the center of the universe/no we're not'. If you want to live your life thinking that science is just opinion that eventually gets changed to the opposite opinion, maybe don't give your children vaccines because it hasn't yet been proven that they help keep diseases away oh wait never mind shit.

Short Answer: Let's try this. Being a scientist usually isn't all that glamorous. The people who pursue science are seekers of truth, be it for themselves or - as is often the case - the betterment of humanity. What agenda do you think they have to lie about something as catastrophic as the end of all life on this planet? Damn, there I go again, trying to explain it. Gee, your sister is pretty.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Question: What ever happened to Jonny Quest?

There's been a million Jonny Quest things, as well as the cast being parodied on various Adult Swim shows.

There was also supposed to be a movie with Zac Efron and the Rock, but that's retarded, so it didn't happen.

I would've tried harder to answer your question but you spelled his name wrong. I fixed it so no one would know. Oops, cat's out of the bag. Point is, you can't be too concerned if you don't know how to spell the character's name. It's like that time I asked the Marvel Comics writer what he was going to do next with the Uhlk.

Short Answer: I didn't watch the original Jonnny Quest, I didn't watch The Venture Bros, and I wasn't so much into Jonny Quest: Cover-Up At Roswell for Windows 3.1. What happened to him is that he was swallowed by obscurity.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Question: What is democracy and why don't we have it?

I've stated my opinion many times on this topic, and today - for whatever reason - I'm not in the mood to repeat myself.

So here's a super analogy.

Democracy is like having a nice warm bum. What we have is like having a cold bum, and then some guy you've never heard of tries to sell you an ass hat, while claiming that it's an important purchase because you lose most of your heat through your ass. Then you buy the ass hat, and find out that it wasn't actually the guy's opinion that you needed an ass hat, it was the people he works for who said, 'You have to sell ass hats, or we'll give your job to someone else in a heartbeat.' So he sells ass hats, and his soul, and gets to keep his cushy job, and never listens to peoples' real cold bum needs.

Whether your ass is now warm or not is kinda irrelevant. Because you'll never know if someone had an alternative, because you can't buy ass warming gear from whoever you want, you have to buy it from the people who endorse a particular set of ass market ideals. And then, if you want to have an identity, you have to chose a group of these people to align with, even if you're not convinced that any of them are capable of keeping your ass warm. If you don't chose, other people get angry with you, and say, 'You have to choose some sort of ass hat. Are you an idiot? It's the only way to keep your ass warm!'

Short Answer: In the end, most of our ass hat money bleeds out of the economy and into the pockets of the people who control the ass hat market. While at the bottom, we yell ineffectually at each other about where in particular we wasted our money.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Question: Is there a cure for stupid?

I feel kinda dirty saying this, like I'm going against the comedy gods or something, but I think there is. Most stupid isn't innate stupidity, it's lack of education. If you can find a way to get through the lies and the indoctrination, I think a lot of 'stupid' people would have the capacity to gather a little knowledge and function at a higher level.

Sadly, this generation of money fuckers doesn't seem to remember the need for widespread education and affordable post-secondary schooling, and therefore stupid abounds.

Look to the GOP. They're boned if their constituents learn a few things about how the world really works, so they don't want that to happen. And that's not saying that the other side prioritizes education either, mind you. There have been so many cuts to education in America over the last decade that it's beginning to look like the pasty, under-loved arm of an Emo kid.

Do Emo kids even exist anymore? We used to call them Goths. Are they the same thing? Whatever kind of stupid that is, there probably isn't a cure for. That's the 'I need to be different so badly I'll exit society stage left' kind of stupid.

So, for the comedy gods, you can't cure all kinds of stupid. There will still be faceplants and gullible fatties and people who yell about halfbreeds and ancient aliens and mind-control via vaccination.

Short Answer: But c'mon. There will still be lots of comedy left if we give a bit better education. Can't we do a little better? Oh, there's no money in it? I beg to differ. By educating our youth - oh, there's no money in it right now? Nevermind.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Question: Can't remember the last time it was poetry time. Is it poetry time?

As a matter of fact,
In a manner of speaking,
A slather of wax,
A scythe for the reaping,

Two pieces of gold
rubbed hard until warm
A palm full of pus
Betrayed by the swarm

And Calliope all full of dread
strove heavy through the nightland air

A long-nosed plague mask
sitting alone amidst
God's green answer to emptiness

Poised atop the sickle of truth:
The night's covenant is with the stars of its age.

Short Answer: You know, if it wasn't for hockey, politics and poetry, this blog might be pretty funny. (Title: Sickle and Scythe)

Friday, April 11, 2014

Question: In a fight: Debussy or Liszt?

FTNITK (This means For Those Not In The Know. I'm starting something. Get on board):

Claude Debussy (1862-1918): Prominent impressionist composer.

Franz Liszt (1811-1886): Virtuoso pianist, composer.

This is tough. Both started piano around the same age - 7 - and both were discovered rather quickly and put into musical academies. Debussy's dad owned a china shop in France, which is pretty rough, but then again, Liszt's dad was a musician. The fact that daddy played the guitar would probably give the edge in toughness to the Liszt family. Not much else to help with the decision from their early life, or even their lives as composers. Both were experimental and original, both had a penchant for going against established rules.

Debussy was a bit of a pussy hound, and kind of a dick, even getting an engagement accomplished once by threatening to kill himself if the woman refused. That woman later went on to attempt suicide when Debussy was running around with some other harlot.

Liszt was a badass of a different variety. Settling down with a woman and popping out a few kids, he wrote his most mature work, and went out on tour, where he was basically the 19th century Elvis. Women would lose their minds, fighting over his velvet gloves and silk handkerchiefs like wild dogs on a bone.

Debussy was diagnosed with rectal cancer, then survived that shit for nine years before succumbing, even undergoing one of the first colostomy operations ever performed.

Liszt travelled around a lot teaching, then fell down the fucking stairs which weakened him to the point where a bunch of other shit took him out.

Okay, I've got it. It's a close one, but Debussy lived with rectal cancer for nine years in the middle of the eighteen hundreds! That's crazy! Plus he was out fucking everything that moved in his youth, so he probably got into more than a few dustups. Liszt was a popular musician turned touring teacher, with a hardly a brouhaha to his name. And then he fell down the fucking stairs.

Short Answer: In a fight, I'm going with Claude Debussy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Question: Why do so many professional wrestlers die young?

I don't want to talk for too long about this.

Wrestling is fucking hard. It's hard on the bodies and the minds of the participants. Also, steroids. Also, cocaine. Also hard living to deal with the stresses of the ring and the torment of being away from family over 300 days a year.

Hopefully - and it looks like this is true - the athletes are taken better care of nowadays, and they take better care of themselves. We shouldn't see another generation fall to the same issues.

I wish more people outside of the core fandom of Sports Entertainment understood and respected how much those participants put themselves through for our amusement. Wrestling may be fake, but the difficulties are real.

Short Answer: It sucks that I'll never get to hear a Curt Hennig Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Question: Trevor Linden?

Okay, another hockey thing. Because not all of you are interested, I'll give you the tiny rundown, so you're forced to learn.

I am a fan of the Vancouver Canucks. Trevor Linden is a famous Vancouver Canuck. Most consider him the best Vancouver Canuck ever, and he's widely appreciated and undoubtedly the most well-liked Vancouver Canuck.

He was just hired as the new President of Hockey Operations. Everyone rejoiced.

Except me. Because despite his skillset, and despite how good he may end up being at his job, this is a blatant move to placate the fickle Vancouver fans before they riot over the terrible season we just experienced. It's hard to believe that someone is the best for a job, when they're so tightly connected to the city and the fans through their playing career.

There has been success in this regard before, with this kind of homer move, and I'm not entirely against soothing some wounds with this type of decision, but I refuse to be overly excited until we see the guy's chops in his new role.

Now, for those who don't care about hockey, here's your reward for sticking with me:

Somehow, last week I was taking a poop, and my ween got lodged at a weird angle, and I sprayed pee out the front between the toilet bowl and the toilet seat.

Short Answer: That may have been a complex metaphor for Vancouver's hockey situation. Up to you to decide who's the toilet seat, and who's the ween.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Question: Is it considered a vowel movement if it hurts so bad you scream aAAAAAIIII! for hours afterward?

Oh boy.

I guess that's fine.

I think it's still probably just shitting, no matter what your mouth does later.

I'm not sure what else to say about this.

That's...that's pretty rough.

Short Answer: When I read a question, the best case scenario is that I'm instantly inspired to write a comical, meaningful response. That did not happen here. I know why it didn't happen, but for fear of alienating participating readers, I must decline to explain. But you know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yea. You know.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Question: What's love got to do, got to do with it?

This instantly made me think of a funny moment from Grown Ups 2 where Maya Rudolph, at the eighties party, is dressed as Tiny Turner and making a savage Tiny Turner face. Maya Rudolph is funny.

As for the question, love has nothing to do with it. It's just boning. Grow up, jerks.

Short Answer: The song says it best. It's a second hand emotion. It's like the garage sale of feelings.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Question: Tortorella or Gillis?

A few days ago I was torn on this question. Tough to fire a coach after just one season, especially with all the injuries. And this GM has brought a golden age to Vancouver hockey.

On the other skate (nice, me) who else is responsible for implementing a system that forces most of the core players to have career worst years other than the coach? And the GM's last three or four moves have been questionable at best.

Personality wise, I didn't have a fave. I've always though Torts was a douche, until he came here and my homer genes allowed me to accept him. (Plus he loves animals.) And as for GMs, it's such a tough job, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, though Gillis's manner has never been a highlight for me.

Then the last few days happened. Gillis came out with a shit load of honesty, basically saying he didn't like the direction the team had gone. And Tortorella's response was to high road it, and not get into a thing.

Normally, I'd be on the side of the high roader. But in this particular case, Gillis's words didn't feel like a ploy to keep his job, they felt like a frustrated man disclosing the truth. In the other glove (again, brilliant) Tortorella's 'response' did feel like a man trying to keep his job. For a coach who can be so real and candid when we don't want to hear his negative bullshit, to take the high road in this particular case felt a bit manipulative.

If it's an either or, I'd like to see us get back to a winning brand of hockey. In other words, a style that works with the talent we possess. I never wanted Torts, and he did to this team exactly what we feared he would. So my choice is to axe Tortorella.

But hasn't Gillis's time played out as well? He was subtle at first, made some great moves, and then...what have you done for me lately?

Short Answer: Can them both. We need a fresh start fast before our core players get too long in the goalmouth. (That's a hat trick!)

Friday, April 4, 2014

Question: Why is it so funny when a Filipino/a says 'vagina'"?

Because it's not a word in their language.

This applies to many words in many languages. Like when a German says 'dump' or a Puerto Rican wants you to 'have a good day'.

I have a few friends of the Filipinoa persuasion, but when they say vagina, it's normal. Even resplendent. I guess they practiced.

(There was a video sent along with this question. A Filipinoa grandmother saying vagina. I guess a lot of people thought it was funny. I just thought it was sexy.)

Short Answer: Filipinoa. It's pronounced like quinoa.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Question: Do the question! Do-do-do-duhdo-duhdo-do-do

I think maybe you are acting under an incorrect assumption about how this process works. No matter how you type-sing, I need you to ask the question part. You have to do the question.


Things I Like About Big Butts:

They're big.
They're thick.
They're wide.
They're attached to ladies.
They're chewy.
They back up into my face.
I can keep them in the fridge.
They make me lose focus.
What's a joke?

Short Answer: It got very dark in here just now. Let's all be a little bit quiet. Keithy needs to go nap-nap.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Question: When is the best time to run a hot dog race?

Sir, you may be intoxicated.

Hot dogs don't run on their own. Maybe you just mean run as in organize, and then you're just planning on whipping the hot dogs underhand and seeing which one gets to the wall first.

The best time for this is never.

Hot dogs are to be eaten. If there was a starving African child in the room, would you whip him at the wall? I should think not.

You'd boil him, the way his tribe would, out of respect. Respect, sir!

Short Answer: I'm not a big fan of dog races, unless there are children strapped to their backs. Then there's the element of danger. It's always more tense when a child could die/get eaten.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Question: Why do you think you're so special?

I have proof.

My brain is gooderer than yours. I can do many things while doing many other things. Right now - for example - not only am I writing this answer, but I'm also completely naked.

I can run the fastest of anyone who never tried to run the fastest. This is hard to quantify unless you're me. Because I'm qualified to say so, I must be right.

I excel at anything I do as long as I'm not crying. Being better than me at that thing could make me cry, so if I don't excel it's because you're being mean to me.

Women love me. I think it's my one low ball, but who am I to put anything into their mouths?

More than two people in my life have called me special. One was my mom, one was the bus driver and one wasn't. Eh? You startin' to see it?

I was excellent at calligraphy in school, but now I have poor, almost childlike penmanship. You think you could make that kind of turnaround? Doubt it.

All I do is score goals. I don't even have to be playing a sport and I ripple the mesh. I've scored goals in every way you can imagine. Butt? Yep. Face? You bet. Balls? Twice.

I'm very good at holding a room's attention. Then I'm very good at loud farting.

Short Answer: You couldn't even hold my jockstrap! Probably 'cause I can't find one small enough to fit me! I meant big enough!