Monday, March 31, 2014

Question: Could you press the button again?

No. I already pressed it once. It made a noise, indicating it had received my command. That command was sent electronically along a pathway that will result in the light changing in our favor. If you don't trust this mechanism, you can get out of your fucking car, waddle your fat little ass around the front, and press the button your damn self.


I'm not your monkey, and I don't have to share in your rapid button pressing neurosis.


Oh, look. The light changed. Whatta ya know?


Short Answer: People should never speak in public. They're bad at it.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Question: If you could get married to any famous person, who would it be?

Salma Hayek. I like the way that I would bang her.


Though I've heard Hispanic chicks are crazy. But that's racism. But I love racism! But not when it's true. It's still Salma Hayek. Can't be too racist if I'm happily up in it, I guess.


Second choice? That chick from True Detective with the handsome chest. I enjoyed that immensely, and would like to wedding night her face. Though in the long run, those things are going to be knee-knockers. Whatever, I could always divorce her. Thanks, divorce.


Third choice? Amy Adams. Why? Not because she's overly hot, but because my wife says she's so cute that I'm not allowed to get a blowjob from her. That makes me angry. Get out of my mouth fantasies, wife!


Fouth choice? Gary Oldman. I'd just like to meet him, I guess.


Fifth choice? Tom Hardy. This one's a sex thing, too.


Short Answer: I guess marrying a king or a queen would be cool, too. Then I could refer to my nuts as crown jewels. That's pretty tasteful.



Saturday, March 29, 2014

Question: Boobs?

I prefer fabric balloons.


Though on occasion I have had the opportunity to see one or two in the flesh. Mostly outstanding experiences, except for the time I walked in on my older sister and her new girlfriend and they were playing 'wiggly chest bump' while listening to Richard Marx. That was a bit awkward. I was barely able to enjoy the sight of her girlfriend's set. And it wasn't easy to erase my sister from the equation later when I was handling my business.


Also, Richard Marx gives me a knuckle boner now, where the blood travels right to the head, but moseys into the middle.


Short Answer: You know when you asked me this question that the answer would be yes. A thousand times, yes!



Friday, March 28, 2014

Question: How do we fix Africa?

Leave that song alone. Toto did it right the first time, asshole!


Oh, what? It's a place? Like a real place? Not from space? Toto didn't make that shit up? Oh.


Nukes?


We boned Africa a long time ago, and for a longer period of time than was necessary. Africa was like, "Alright. I finished. I'm done. If you're not gonna finish anytime soon, can I just flip over and play on my phone?"


And we continued to pound away.


I'm of the opinion, that despite all of the aid that Africa needs, and a nearly humane desire within me to give them all that aid and more, that maybe our track record dictates we should leave them the fuck alone. Or at least take the time to make some better strategic decisions. Here, have a bunch of food. Oh, there's a warlord in the neighboring country who will come over, kill the adults, steal the children and take all that food we dropped off? Well...here's a little more food.


Short Answer: Obviously I'm an expert on this like I am with everything, but people just don't listen when I sing about Africa. Maybe it's because of my apartheid guitar strap. I didn't know that's what it meant at the time, and you know guitar straps; once you find a comfy one...

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Question: Who likes meatballs?

I think you phrased your question incorrectly. It's 'Who doesn't like meatballs?' and the answer is super crazy people!


I like meatballs in all situations, even inappropriate ones like at funerals and in bobsleds. I can't get enough of balls of meat.


Yay!


Wait, is this another one of those metaphors? Is this about gonads again?


Mom!


Short Answer: Maybe it was supposed to be capitalized, and this whole thing should've been about the movie Meatballs. I miss Harold Ramis. The end.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Question: Why is it that whenever I hear a favorite actor or author speak during an interview I always end up thinking they're an asshole?

I don't think I've related this story before. Feel free to abort your fandom if I have.


One time I got to meet my (at the time) favorite author Guy Gavriel Kay. I was as excited as a school girl on hot dog day (?) and when I got to the front of the line, I froze up like a wet penis in the freezer (?). My wife actually had to talk first, to snap me from my reverie. I would hope, in this situation, that I would not be treated like a crazy fan, or a waste of time, or a bother, or like just another shmoe. But that was not the case. I got a weak smile, laced with disdain, and was hurried past the man once he signed my copy of the Fionavar Tapestry.


I was so distraught by the proceedings that I went back into the line, to have a more human encounter. I asked him a question and he answered, but it still sucked. It was a robot, and a bored robot at that, already weary of dealing with his fans.


Now in hindsight, I don't blame the man. Being as big a deal as I am now, I get that you can grow tired of your fans always bawling praises in your face, and that you can go into a sort of head-down, grin and bear it mode, where the possibilities of actual human connection are slim. But it sucked for me anyway, and it took me a while to forgive him.


The problem is each one of us thinks we're special. How dare he not realize who he's shunned? I'm a real fan, and I'm a writer, too. Why aren't we out getting drinks right now?


I think when we're fans of someone's work, we so badly want them to be cool, that there's no way they can live up to it. Especially because their definition of cool most often differs greatly with our own. Just because you like the art someone creates, doesn't mean you both think that Shameless is the most underrated television show of all time, or that rhubarb is redundant, or that Joss Whedon's characters all kinda talk the same, or that diarrhea isn't all that bad, or that gay crushes between heterosexual men should be sealed with a ripe handy.


You get the picture. You put someone on a pedestal, even a tiny one, it just makes their inevitable backslide, fall or suicide dive all the more dramatic. Even though you may not realize you're doing it, when you see a star speaking in an interview, you're hoping and believing that they're special, that they're smart, funny. That they're like you.


Well, maybe you're not as smart and funny as you think, either.


Short Answer: I am.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Question: Do you do birthday parties?

"Alright, here's the first balloon. Who wants it? It's not nothing, kid, it's a penis. Whatever. Who wants this next one, it's a penis going into a vagina."


I guess I could...


How much do kids like the word fuck?


"Who wants to play pin the beer on the me?"


I suppose I could be fairly entertaining. Especially if they like to watch adults yell. All I need is a topic from the audience, and I can totally yell it up.


"Dora the Explorer? More like Dora the WHORE!"


Short Answer: I do not.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Question: Zack Kassian?

Ugh. Alright.


11 goals, 12 assists in 64 games and he's a minus 6 (which was a minus 10 until last night.) This question is probably more about how he's been playing recently, but I don't give a fuck about that. I'm tired of always hoping for young guys or new guys to perform at a higher level. This guy needs to score twenty for us, and be a plus player. Simple as that.


Nowadays, all Kassian reminds me of is how little we got from the few prospects we managed to finagle while going through the 'good years'. It has really impacted our depth in the long run, made evident by the injury filled season we're experiencing.


Some might say Kassian's 122 PIMs is a good thing - where he's 9th in the league - but I beg to differ on that front too. I like that he's tough and that he'll drop them, that's all fine and dandy. But we need a point producing power forward, not an enforcer who eats up too many minutes because of his 'potential'.


You know this guy has only ever scored twenty-two goals in the NHL? He's played 147 games, and has 22 goals. And it's not like his numbers have budged, ever. He had 11 points in 39 games last year, and was a minus 7. Without his odd four point night last night, he was on pace for the same statistical year, basically.


I was okay with this trade when it happened. Now it seems another small nail in Gillis's every quickening coffin manufacturing business, where he makes strange choices that cause us to forget all the good ones that got us to the good years in the first place.


Short Answer: Also, after having time to let it settle, I reiterate that not starting Luongo for the heritage classic was not only a bad choice, but I bet it sank our playoff hopes and destroyed the room. Especially because they moved him right afterward with no warning to anyone, the player included. Seems like the dying breath of an administration if you ask me. And you did!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Question: You do anything special for spring break?

Spring break holds no water for me. As someone who receives their excitement, nudity and friends via the internet, I have no need to do any of those things in person. I'm not much of a drinker, and I don't care all that much for beads, and nudity in real life scares my penis.


Besides that, I'm old. I mean, not lowered balls old, but old enough that I feel like participating in any spring break type festivities would be distasteful. I mean, I guess I could judge a wet t-shirt contest or something, but I wouldn't even know how to get that job. Would I have to have been a long time fan? Did I need to be a coach at some point? Is there a rule book I should beat off on, I mean read up on?


As with most things in life, I can just do any of this at home. I'll put my wife in a sheer top, throw a jug of water at her, and get back to the video games while she towels off. This way, we all avoid the vomiting, date rape and shame.


Short Answer: I like the movie Piranha 3D, which I think counts here. Watching that is the closest thing I'll do to celebrating spring break. And I'll do something horrible to the wife, but that's not special.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Question: Brokers are the new Lawyers when it comes to people that are deserving of hate, no?

The real culprit here is greed, no matter what it says on your office door, or whatever title is on your business cards, or whatever the fine lettering beneath the name on your desk placard is. (Is that what they're called? Do people even have those anymore? Am I me?)


Look, obviously it's easy to hate on people who handle money, but do you want to do that? And if you give a bunch of stupid greedy monkeys access to money, aren't some of them going to cheat? So we shouldn't really be surprised.


The real criminals are the people we vote into place to stop this sort of behaviour. But they're greedy too, and the money from the cheaters' pockets means more to them than our mark on the ballot sheet.


Solution? If I knew that, I wouldn't be writing this.


Just kidding! The solution is simply reduce the influence of businesses and political lobbyists in elections, so that the people can chose properly, and put those that will actually represent us in office. It might take a few cycles, but that's what we need; it's clearly what has gone wrong. Lookin' at you, congress.


Short Answer: Hard to trust the money-changers these days, I agree. If there was only some sort of temple we could put them all in, and some sort of Jesus we could send in there to stomp ass and whip some mopes.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Question: Why are so many boardgamers actually c-words?

(My apologies to the questioner. I've again chosen to change the word 'cunt' in the title so Facebook doesn't abort me with teen mom level adjudication skills and prejudice.)


These sorts of questions are really simple for me. Almost everyone is a cunt. If you're into something, most of the people who are into that are cunts. Even things that don't seem all that cunty. Like the peace corps or paramedics or people who build houses for stray dogs or whatever. Mostly a bunch of cunts, in my experience.


So of course there are a shit load of cunts in the community of board gamers.


In an attempt to answer more specifically, I shall proceed. There are lots of kinds of nerds. Some are good nerds and some are bad. When the bad kind of nerd - who often has a lot of self-esteem issues - begins to find enjoyment in something competitive, he starts to attach way too much importance to the outcome and how he is perceived during the process, because he's always on the lookout for an opportunity to feel better about himself. This creates a lousy douche bag who seems more interested in victory then having fun (which is really the only reason to play a game). Yes you often have to try to win to make the game work, and that's how you have maximum fun, but these nerds think they're being judged on their performance and the outcome, because they're broken on the inside.


Hence, cunts.


(For those not in the know, the cunty boardgamer can exhibit some rather heinous qualities. They become rules lawyers, they criticize other peoples moves, sulk when things don't go their way, take ownership of elements including theme and mechanics, touch your stuff and come up with excuses when they don't win.)


Short Answer: If you're not playing a game to have fun, and enjoy the company of others, and enjoy the fact that they are also having fun, you should fuck off.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Question: Now that you've been given a clean bill of butt-health, what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna stick some stuff up in there. I haven't been able to do that in quite some time, and the things that people stick up their butts nowadays are widespread and intriguing.


It's not just fingers anymore!


Short Answer: Take me to the hospital.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Question: Is there hope for the Canucks this year?

Nope.


Mathematically speaking...nope.


Maybe they'll get inspired and...nope.


Tortorella must be good at something or...nope.


At least they're healthy. Nope.


Short Answer: Even if they do squeak into the playoffs...nope. (My frustration and anger is evident here not only in the delivery, but also in the fact that - though I probably got it right - I didn't bother to look up the spelling of Tortorella's name.)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Question: What are the top ten worst places to break up with someone?





10) Next to a trough style urinal. - Trough style urinals, where everyone looks at each other's sweaty dicks while you all piss into a communal bowl is simply one of the worst places to be, so saying goodbye to your relationship amidst that heat, lack of elbow room and piss stank is pretty fuckin' undesirable. "Look, I appreciate you following me in here and standing at the back, but I need you to come up here so you can see that there's always more 'dicks in the trough', if you get my meaning."
9) Movie theatre. - Theatres are a place full of joy and wonderment, and lately, people who keep turning on their phones during a movie until I go into a near-murderous, bowel clenching rage. I can't think of a better time, while immersed in the depths of the cinematic experience, to slap a hand away from your popcorn and tell her it's over between you two. "I can't do this anymore. Alfred Hitchcock isn't boring. You're boring."
8) Broken down elevator. - When an elevator breaks down, not only are you trapped with the people inside, you have no idea when your nightmare will end. It's a nicely boxed metaphor for all relationships, with the added concern of pissing your pants. While trying to calculate when you last took a whizzle, what you drank since then, and what the average time of an elevator stoppage is, it's pretty tasteless to turn to your significant other and let her know this will be your last ride to the top. "Pressing 69 is not going to change the fact that I'm tired of looking at your face, even in low, emergency lighting."
7) Disneyland. - It is some cold, heartless shit to dump your 'best friend' while in the happiest place on Earth. Best case scenario is you can get rid of her sorry ass at the turkey leg stand, because there's consolment meat nearby. Worst case is letting her know during the floatery magic of the Peter Pan ride, as you glide over the tops of the cities. "I'd rather run out of pixie dust and fall to my death then wait in line for Dumbo with you. In fact, I'd rather Tinkerbell flew up and roosted in my peehole"
6) The desert. - Any direction you choose, you're going to have to remain in the other person's company for longer than you want. Plus, there's no other stimulation, not like if you broke up in the jungle or beneath the sea. This is just a long slog back to humanity, trying not to bury someone up to their neck and laying a fly-drawing loaf next to their stupid face. "After this next dune, we need to talk."
5) Middle of the ocean. - In a way, the roughest of all break ups. You're both going to die. (Either that or you're on a cruise which is being as close to death as possible while still near a buffet.) There's no need, with death so imminent, to bother breaking up. But whether your fate is hell or heaven, you'd still like to have your space; that celebrity who died might be single. "I'm going to cut you and swim away. Don't try to follow me."
4) Photo booth. - Some of you may understand why this is one of the worst places. You'd be right, because you're the ones who got dumped. But the reason it's so terrible is because of how delightful the pictures are for the person who does the dumping, and inevitably gets to keep the four shots of your love's decline. "Ready, first we'll both stick our tongues out. Then, I fucked your sister."
3) Wimbledon. - The ultimate place to go where the dumpee can't make a scene. Not only that, you can really sell the fact that you've moved on by following the ball rather than looking at her. And if she starts to tear up real bad, she'll get shushed by thousands of people at once. A great parting lesson, if nothing else. "You know how it used to be love-love? Now it's just more like you're forty."
2) At the hospital on the day their mother/father dies. - (I know this is conditional and specific, but to be fair, breaking up at the hospital is horrible no matter why you're there. I just chose the best case scenario.) This is impressively sneaky if you can hold out during a terminal illness. The brilliance of this break up is that the victim's grief is already so heightened, you can't even notice how your actions add to the pile. It's like getting away without a reaction at all! "Listen honey, you're going to have to do this on your own. By yourself. Have fun at the funeral."
1) During sex in your childhood bed at your parent's house. - There's just nowhere for her to turn, here. She's naked, your stuff is up in her, it's a strange and foreign area, and everywhere she looks reminds her of you at a time when you were far too innocent to attempt something as heinous as a fuck-dumping. Except maybe for your poster of Salma Hayek wrapped in a snake. "Are you ready? I'm almost there. I'm gong to pull your hair, okay? We're through."


Short Answer: I've said enough.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Question: Why do people feel shame?

I think it's connected to the nuts. (Or of course, to be proper, the lady nuts.)


People seem most shamed when faced with evidence that they've done fucked up in who they've chosen as a squeezebang partner. It's obvious that people feel shame in other situations, but often in non gonad areas, they manage to finagle, whine, deny or justify.


But if you're faced with, "You did fuck his sister." or "How fat did you think she was?" or "You really couldn't see the bulge in its miniskirt?" then you probably don't have much of a comeback, and that shame will be written all over your haggard, fucked-out face.


I personally feel shame rarely because I'm not Catholic or an idiot. I think taking responsibility as quickly as possible for your fuck-ups cuts down a lot on shame in the long run. I like to be honest and upfront in most things, and this is no exception. And often, things that are a little shameful to you, once out in the open, are hilarious for your friends. Isn't that important? To at least be providing joy and a source of entertainment out of the fact that you took acid and tried to fuck a man-lady? (Or of course, to be proper, a lady-man?)


Short Answer: Shame is for people who aren't tough enough to carry around large amounts of guilt. That's the real white whale.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Question: #TerminalHockey

10) Joe Fluwendyk
9) Marcel Die On the Operating Table
8) Chronic Pain Gretzky
7) Typhoid Domi
6) Tumor Ruutu
5) Enceph-Al Iafrate-itis
4) Bobby Orrgan Failure
3) Brett Hullmanary Arterial Hypertension
2) Joe Sack Itch
1) Malario Lemieux


Short Answer: Sure, sack itch might not be terminal, but if it was, what a way to go!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Question: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!

Yea man, that shit doesn't mean the same thing it used to. I mean, I appreciated the sentiment and all, but that's just a pride parade these days. We're all used to it, and it's not all that special unless the dude in the assless chaps has a particularly hairy situation.


This is of course from West Side Story, and I'm telling you, even if you think you're a fan, when you watch this song out of context like I just did, it's an abhorrent piece of shit. That might be true of a lot of songs from musicals if you listen to them outside of the lubricated folds of stage play. Going from real life, or a modern TV show like True Detective (plug) to this sort of thing is as jarring as finding a half-eaten coffee cup in your morning stool.


I feel pretty sometimes. And oh so charming. And I often refer to myself when looking in the mirror as 'the pretty girl in that mirror there'. Because someone's gotta make me feel special, and my wife calling me a 'woolly stink attack victim' isn't all that good on the ol' self-esteem.


Short Answer: It's alarming how charming I feel. Dance fight! (I think, were I to start an electrico music type band, I'd call it Dancefight.)







Friday, March 14, 2014

Question: I've really enjoyed your lists over the last week or so. Could you do one more?

A list about whatever I want?


Hmmm....


My Favorite Comics/Graphic Novel Properties - All-Time


20) Batman: Arkham Asylum
19) Sin City: The Hard Goodbye
18) Astonishing X-Men
17) Maus
16) Fables
15) The Invisibles
14) Batman: The Killing Joke
13) Batman: Hush
12) New Avengers
11) Marvels
10) Squadron Supreme - Mark Gruenwald. A team of super-heroes (blatant knock-offs of the Justice League) are forced to decide if they have the right stuff to take over the world and create utopia. The first of it's kind, this 12 issue mini-series dealt with many of the tough topics made popular by later stories.
9) The Walking Dead - Robert Kirkman. You know the story by now thanks to television. The source material is far superior.
8) V for Vendetta - Alan Moore. Again, you've probably seen the movie, so I won't go into detail. Alan Moore, despite his insanity - or because of it - is a genius.
7) Invincible - Robert Kirkman. It's both easy and difficult to explain the brilliance of Robert Kirkman. Invincible, in a lot of ways, is a simple story. And yet, it feels like the best of its ilk. Just a boy with powers, that's all.
6) The Ultimates - Mark Millar. I fell for the Ultimates universe, based solely on this re-invention of the Avengers. More tactile and real then its predecessors, The Ultimates is the title that you show to people who think cape books can't be sophisticated.
5) Watchmen - Alan Moore. Who watches the Watchmen? I could write an essay; best you read this one yourself. It might be the greatest story ever put to art.
4) The Boys - Garth Ennis. I love some satire. I love some nudity and some blood. And I love some good character. This hits all the nails on the superhuman heads, with vision and awareness. Premise: Superheroes are dicks. Who ya gonna call?
3) Kingdom Come - Alex Ross and Mark Waid. The Justice League is old and retired, and the youngens are up to no good. Time to suit up one last time!
2) The Dark Knight Returns - Frank Miller. In my humble opinion the single best comic book story ever. Batman back in the game, taking on the likes of...Superman? You bet.
1) Preacher - Garth Ennis. Can't...begin...to explain...Preacher. It's a western about God and vampires and men with arses for faces. How's that?


Short Answer: Many too many honorable mentions. Also, more so than any other medium I enjoy, comics can fall and rise on my depth chart simply by how recently I've read them. There are amazing books that if I read again would undoubtedly bump things from this top twenty.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Question: Your face is a dog's butt.

You'd know!


Man!


You probably look at a lot of dog butts. That's what I would infer from that statement. You love them. You love dog butts and your face probably looks like the opposite of a dog's butt because your face is so close to their butts that it has formed into a negative shape, the positive parts of which are the parts of a dog's butt.


I'll bet when you open your mouth dog poops come out, that's how much your face is the actual face that looks like a dog's butt, here. Not me! It's clearly you!


I'll even go so far as to assume that beneath your dog butt face, you probably have dog balls. Or maybe you were clipped so you wouldn't procreate or hump the neighbours, so you've just got a little scar on your chin where your balls used to be. Where are your balls, sir? Where are they? The worst part is you can't even lick the spot where the balls used to be. Unless you have a really long tongue I guess. Gross! You're gross! Stop licking your dog balls scar with your long tongue, dog butt face!


Short Answer: You! It's you! (sobbing, sounds like a dog whimpering, noticeable irony...)

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Question: Guilty pleasure songs?

As I've said before on-blog, I'm not much of a guilty pleasure guy because I don't feel a lot of guilt. I think it's because of how many lives I've saved, but whatever. I have to attempt to think about guilty pleasures the way normal humans do, which is a little tough. It's like the way a robot made of orgasms would view it, if that helps.


Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Songs


10) Send Me an Angel - Real Life. Favorite Line. "Open fire on my burning heart." or "It gets in your eyes, it's making you cry, don't know what to do." or "Empty dreams can only disappoint in a room behind your smile." (????)
9)  Get Over It - Okay Go. Favorite Line. "Makes you cry while the milk still spills." or "Aren't you such a catch, what a prize, got a body like a battle axe. Love that perfect frown, honest eyes, we ought'a buy you a Cadillac." or "Got a job, got a life, got a four door and a faithless wife."
8) All By Myself - Eric Carmen. Favorite Line: "When I was young, I never needed anyone, and making love was just for fun."
7) Take My Breath Away - Berlin. Favorite Line: "Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game." or "Never hesitating to become the fated ones."
6) Love is Strange - Mickey and Sylvia. Favorite Line. "Baby, ohhh baby, my sweet baby, you're the one."
5) The Promise - When in Rome. Favorite Line. "I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say."
4) Toxic - Britney Spears. Favorite Line. "A guy like you should wear a warning."
3) Volcano Girls - Veruca Salt. Favorite Line. "We are watered down and fully grown."
2) Don't Stop Believin' - Journey. Favorite Line: "She/He took the midnight train going anywhere." or "Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night." or "Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues."
1)  Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler. Favorite Line: "We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks." or "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart." or "Love is like a shadow on me all of the time."


Short Answer: Okay. Maybe I was programmed to feel some guilt.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Question: Dude a colonoscopy? There has to be some sort of top ten, right?

Top Ten Things Worth Mentioning About My Colonoscopy


10) Despite my brave face and rare early morning eloquence, the nurses could tell by my elongated sighs that I was terrified.
9) All of the paintings in the reception area reminded me that things were about to go up inside me. There was a female boot in one of them, amidst a murky, faux-stain glass background of blacks and greens.
8) They pump air inside of your bowel, to get a better look. For some reason, I couldn't 'pass' that air and it was incredibly painful. At one point I had to call out for help. Two nurses appeared, gave me a cold cloth and a pan to throw up in. I heaved, but of course, thanks to #ColonoscopyPrep, there was nothing in me to throw up.
7) The cure for not being able to pass the air back out is to get on your hands and knees and squat yourself into a tiny ball. This didn't work for me...at first.
6) When it did, I lit that room up with high-pitched, never-ending storms of farty, gas-releasing pleasure. Not once did I feel embarrassed.
5) My wife came to see me before the procedure and after, because she works next door. That was pretty sweet. Though it would've been better if she'd stayed in the kitchen.
4) I'm pretty sure in the process of trying to get rid of the gas inside of me, I showed eight people my testicles and wang, and another seven the underside of my porch. There were few to no complaints.
3) Though I don't recall feeling drugged at any point, the procedure went by much more quickly than I'd anticipated. The fact that I was cracking jokes like a fiend may or may not have been medically induced.
2) Afterward I napped the shit out of a nap.
1) My stuff is healthy.


Short Answer: I saw up in my own body. Also, because I had a urologist appointment later on, two different men were inside of me that day. The only other person that I've heard that's happened to is my wife.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Question: How did your colonoscopy go?

It went, alright. 

Outside of the GI reception area, there are a bunch of paintings. Either I'm nuts and I didn't get enough sleep or the people who chose the art are friggin' geniuses. Each one was in some way reminiscent of what was going on with butts. There was one that looked like a slurry of wet vegetables at the bottom of a toilet. Ther was one that showed spiralling chaos emanating from some small hovering hole. And I kid you not that there was one that looked like a boot up inside an ass.

Anywho, I'm alive for the foreseeable future.

Short Answer: I laid waste to the recovery room with farts, butt in the air from my hands and knees style. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Question: What's with the Canucks? Why aren't some of the best point-getters in the league scoring?

Hey, I jumped on the Torts bandwagon. We had to, right? He was the new coach, turns out he loves animals, even drove here because he didn't want to put his dog in the plane or something. That's good mojo.


But when I look at the Canuck's season, and all the career lows for our forwards, it's hard not to think it has something to do with the system they're playing. Plus, Torts played the big boys for big minutes early in the year, and is it a coincidence that some of them look tired out there on the ice now?


I know we've had a lot of injuries, but I just can't get my head around how great a December we had. Was that when the highs of a new couch were at their peak, before the system got truly implemented and we all became shot blocking machines? Didn't we outshoot the hell out of our opponents for almost the entire first half of the season?


It's only his first year, but he's the only thing that's really changed. Sure our depth isn't as good, but that doesn't account for this much trouble putting the puck in the net. Now the question is, if we don't make the playoffs, and Gillis goes, does Torts go too? Maybe. I don't think you fire just the coach, you have to give him another year to sort it out, but if the management team is on the way out, why not throw the big baby out with the low scoring bathwater?


Short Answer: I refuse to believe that Santorelli was the only reason we were winning.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Question: Top Ten Movies with the word 'Man' in the title?

Holy crapple. There are so many. No way of doing just a top ten. Also, there's going to have to be some ground rules.


I've decided to leave out anything with 'man' in the title that isn't referring specifically to some kind of man. Movies like Manhattan, Waiting for Guffman, The Manchurian Candidate and Maniac will not make the list. (The Manster will also not be on this list, but for other obvious reasons.)


Here goes:


Top Thirty-Five 'Man' Movies


35) The Elephant Man (1980) Lynch plus messy face.
34) The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956) Hitchcock and Jimmy Stewart
33) The Wrong Man (1956) Hitchcock and Henry Fonda
32) The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) Christopher Lee as the titular villain.
31) The Third Man (1949) This would be higher if I ranked noir higher.
30) Bicentennial Man (1999) Goofy Chris Columbus/Robin Williams effort based on an Asimov short.
29) A Single Man (2009) Tom Ford's gorgeous love story.
28) The Running Man (1987) Arnold beating ass in a world loosely based on a Stephen King story. And I mean loosely. And I mean beating ass.
27) Eat Drink Man Woman (1994) Ang Lee's joint about cooking and family.
26) Candyman (1992) Clive Barker's Candyman brought to big screen life by the incomparable Tony Todd.
25) Superman Returns (2006) After watching Man of Steel, I like Bryan Singer's effort even more. Too bad about the weak Lois, though.
24) The Man Who Wasn't There (2001) First appearance of the Coens on this list, not the last.
23) The Omega Man (1971) I need to stop being surprised when I love old Heston movies. Sillier and better than I Am Legend.
22) I Love You, Man (2009) Who doesn't love a bromance? Segel's best non-Sarah Marshall stuff.
21) The Wolf Man (1941) We wouldn't have Thriller without it.
20) The Ladies Man (2000) That's right! I love the Ladies Man movie! What of it?
19) The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) Despite its re-whatever status, a really good superhero romp.
18) Cemetery Man (1994) Technically Dellamorte Dellamore, this lesser known zombie romp is worth a gander. Had to include it.
17) Superman (1978) Does anyone dislike this movie?
16) Demolition Man (1993) One of my wife's favorites, I would get beaten if I didn't include Simon Phoenix and his murder-death-kills.
15) Batman (1989) I hate to admit that it happens, but the quality of Nolan's flicks hurt Burton's Batman for me, pushing it further down the list than it maybe deserves to be.
14) Rain Man (1988) Number fourteen, yea, fourteen.
13) Ip Man (2008) Donnie Yen finally getting his due. Must see for kung fu lovers.
12) Spider-Man (2002) The beauty of rebooting quickly, is that the reboot-ee doesn't seem so dated. I love Raimi's Spider-Man and probably always will.
11) Man Bites Dog (1992) Ground-breaking and original French offering. Don't hesitate to knock over old ladies to see this one.
10) Man on the Moon (1999) Sometimes, you fall in love with a movie a little more each time you see it.
9) Dead Man Walking (1995) Tim Robbins needs to get in the director's chair and do this again.
8) The Weather Man (2005) Gore Verbinski brings his cold camera lens to bear on the subtle and enormous heart of Nic Cage. A most underrated film.
7) Spider-Man 2 (2004) Best superhero movie ever? Not quite, perhaps, but always and forever in the argument.
6) Batman Begins (2005) Speaking of underrated, falling in love more each time I see it and best superhero movies...
5) Anchorman (2004) Instantly iconic and landscape shaping. Like a whale's vagina.
4) Last Man Standing (1996) A nearly forgotten gem and my favorite Hollywood go to premise. Like A Fistful of Dollars, this is another 'remake' of Yojimbo. A lone samurai arrives in a small town; but this time, it's Bruce Willis packing Asian-actioner double handguns.
3) The Wicker Man (1973) Another Nic Cage...just kidding. This is the original, the understated, the mercifully slow and dreadful masterpiece of horror. Scotland has never been this scary.
2) A Serious Man (2009) Coens at it again. I may like this movie more than anyone else on the planet.
1) Iron Man (2008) Nearly flawless. Pleased the fans and the masses alike, turned an iconic comic personality into a household name and re-launched RDJ into the stardom stratosphere for ever after.


Short Answer: There. You happy?





Friday, March 7, 2014

Question: What are the top ten ways to derail someone in the middle of telling you a knock knock joke?

10) Say knock knock back to them.
9) Hang a do not disturb sign off the end of your finger.
8) "No, I'll start."
7) Reach slowly for their genitals while maintaining eye contact.
6) "To get to the other side."
5) "Penny."
4) "If it's housecleaning, you can come back later."
3) "Who's getting punched?"
2) Shin kick.
1) Go in for the big kiss, baby. Now's the time. (The word knock has a good mouth-feel.)


Short Answer: Banana

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Question: How do I break into the pickled herring business?

I'd start with a bank loan.


Also, you should get to know your product. Pickled herring has been around since medieval times, and is common in many cultures. It is salt cured, then pickled in a typical brine containing vinegar, water, sugar, bay, onion and pepper. Sometimes, other flavors are added, like dill or mustard.


Pickled herring is rich in sliminess and tyramine, a mineral/vitamin that know one's ever heard of.


It can be served with sour cream, or with a potato, or an egg on a plate.


Now you just need to find your herring. Oh right, the sea is dead.


Short Answer: Maybe try a product that hasn't been around since people used to just shit in their own boots.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Question: Do white men like Asians because it makes their dick look larger whilst next to smaller women?

Maybe you haven't noticed, but there are small women of every race, so you wouldn't have to go with any specific skin color or ethnicity to ensure a bigger dick ratio. There are also an equal amount of dwarfs in every race, so if you really wanna play the 'larger dick whilst' game, you can seek out a little person.


I'm not real into fetishism. For me, I like Asians that have larger boobs. You could claim this is a legitimate answer to your question, on account of the fact that they don't usually have the biggest boobs and therefore the rarity and the contrast can be appealing, but that falls apart pretty quickly because I'd like boobs if they were stapled to the back of a slimy toilet.


If you want your wiener to look bigger, there are easier ways than laying next to a specific ethnicity on a regular basis. As for why white men like Asian women, I think the true and simple answer is that they look a little different. And when it comes to sex, different is fun. Unless it's butt-stuff different; then it's only fun if width is pre-approved.


Short Answer: There might be some cultural issues, as well. Asian culture and North American culture can be very different, especially in terms of their attitudes toward sex. For example, in North America, tentacles don't often get inside of vaginas.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Question: What advice do you have for a recovering blood-drinker?

Not much.


If you aren't a vampire, then you're just a super big weirdo with self-esteem issues who probably likes it when girls make light brown poops in their white panties.


If you are a vampire, you'll be dead soon without blood, and no advice of mine will change what your body needs to survive. You're like the worst kind of vegan, one who does it for political reasons, then doesn't do the research and ends up sorely lacking the nutrition their body requires. Except I guess a vegan won't explode or turn to stone if they don't get enough iron. Wait, will they?


Look, if you liked drinking blood so much that now you're in 'recovery' I'd say fuck it, go back to drinking blood. I mean, there's a ton of food right there at the Blood Drinkers Anonymous meeting right? Can't you smell it? Running through the pulsating veins of all those meaty necks? Then again, if this really is about vampires, all those necks might belong to vampires, and this could turn into another blood orgy where no one really gets satiated and someone gets bad-touched.


If you are a vampire, and you've found some alternative to blood drinking, you should probably let everyone know. Because being eaten sucks, and you could help with that a little.


You're being selfish.


Short Answer: Hang in there, I guess. Hail Satan?

Monday, March 3, 2014

Question: What's an easy way to identify douchebags from a distance?

The popped collar is a dead giveaway, and along those lines of thought, polo shirts, visors and faux-messy hair are signs you can identify from afar.


But I've never been convinced that the douchebag is as easy to identify as say the hipster or the dead old man. I think douchebags hide among us, often in plain sight, looking just as everyone looks, waiting to pounce at the most opportune moment, like that lull in the party where someone offers up the guitar and the guy who you thought was innocent grabs it and starts playing a Third Eye Blind song.


Or the guy who always refers everything back to his own life, even though no one was talking about his semester abroad, or the first time he ever thought about eastern philosophy seriously, or the way his relationship with his mother has improved.


Another solid way to identify a douchebag is a guy who gets his self-esteem by going against the grain, taking a stand when no stand needs to be taken. Like when someone makes a racy joke, and everyone laughs, and this guy takes it upon himself to mention that he doesn't like how casual we've all gotten about gender roles in the media.


That's right, folks, douchebaggery can be subtle and slick, and can hide under the guise of caring or forward thinking. The thing to sniff out is the falsehood and the sketchy motivation behind why these people are saying the things they say. If a group of people is talking about fashion, and suddenly the conversation is about the waste of time and money that is the fashion industry, a douchebag probably veered you off course. Now don't get me wrong, a conversation about the fashion industry being stupid is totally legitimate; it's not about that, it's about how you got there.


"I loved Europe. I think Paris was my favorite."
"I went to Paris once during fashion week. It was crazy."
"I've heard that. Vienna too, right? Don't they do a super-intense fashion week?"
"A lot of those models are really unhealthy. There's like a thirty percent bulimia rate with them."


See what happened there? People were talking about Europe, then, all of a sudden, everyone is forced to agree with the fact that models are too skinny and they probably have an eating disorder. Douchebaggery committed, and no one is the wiser. Again, the key is motivation. When everyone is talking about how much they liked Europe, someone feels the need to change the conversation, and get some credit for being sensitive. I'll bet your ass that person has never been to Europe and was jealous and bored, and also wanted to impress a chick with his sensitivity. His motivations and bad behaviour then end up overriding the entire social dynamic.


Douchebag. No collar required.


Short Answer: There are lots of different examples I could make. The simplest thing you can do is when you get that feeling, when the hairs on the back of your neck start standing up, and you know a douchebag is near, start questioning the motivations behind what people are saying. If they seem to be taking ownership of something, or diverting conversation toward their own insecure agendas, you're probably on to a plain clothes d-bag.





Sunday, March 2, 2014

Question: Are you going to watch the Heritage Classic today?

I am, though it seems an ill-timed event, with the Olympics just ending, the trade deadline right around the corner, as well as the important points that are on the line. It will be a little difficult to get pumped for the majesty of it all.


Just heard that John Tortorella has decided to start Eddie Lack. "Lack has played really well the last two games and deserves the start today." Can Vancouver punch Roberto Luongo in the throat any more? I better find out later that he was actually hurt somehow, or absolutely fuck this decision.


The Canucks better get their shit together in a hurry, and these Kesler trade rumours and Torts creating a goaltending controversy are not going to help the morale of the team. Maybe he can go challenge someone to a fight in the hallway; that seemed to workout pretty well.


Short Answer: At first, I was all like, "No, not fucking Tortorella!" Then I was all like, "It's not so bad, look, he's mellowed, and he does have a Stanley Cup ring." Now I'm just tired of fucking hearing his name all the time. Guess it is about him after all.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Question: My husband keeps asking me to have sex with another woman. What should I do?

First, to clarify, if he just wants you to go and have sex with another woman - without him - I'd suggest jumping at the opportunity. It will be a nice change of pace, and trust me, sex with women is awesome.


If instead you're implying that he wants you to allow a third party into your bedroom, this is another story. Obviously if your relationship is strong and you're a confident woman, you can allow this with little harm, so long as you take into account the harsh truths of the situation. The reason your man is asking for this is because he wants to have sex with someone else, therefore his attentions during the experience will be mostly on the newcomer. If he's smart, he'll throw you a bone (ha) now and again, but make no mistake, this isn't about you two sharing an experience together, it's about him getting his rocks off with a different set of teats. He might even get off on the fact that you're there, but it will be in a 'because you're watching and not throwing glassware at him' kind of way.


Now there are some couples who can take a third and it really is just about new experience, or keeping their sexual relationship lively. You are not that couple if you have to ask someone like me for advice. There's insecurity here, in you and probably in your relationship.


If you're unsure of this diagnosis, I propose a test. Tell your husband you're willing, so long as you get to choose the third party. Then, bring home a very unattractive fat lady, or a woman who closely resembles you in appearance. If he's still into it, he probably was just in it for the experience all along. Either that or you've discovered his love of fat ladies. (Obviously if, when you bring home your lookalike, he moans and rolls his eyes, you've got trouble.)


Don't just assume your man is an evil prick. Sometimes men get stuck in this odd limbo where we want to try new things, but we don't want to be a pain in the ass and bother you because we appreciate you and what you do for us already. It's a tough spot sometimes, to have an urge, then have your conscience tell you not to follow through.


Short Answer: More mouthcraft solves almost all of these problems, by the way.