Friday, February 28, 2014

Question: What, exactly, is a crust f@#&er?

This question brings up a problem other than the question itself. In all the years I've been doing this, I've never had - to my remembery - the good ol' F bomb in a question.


Now I probably don't seem like the sort of person who would care, but I do fear alienating casual followers by having big ass swear words appear in my Facebook posts. Once in a while on Twitter it seems appropriate to drop a fuck, but it seems more rare on Facebook.


So what do I do?


Alright, I'm trying that 'replace letters with symbols' thing. It feels dirty. I've never done it before. Ughh. This might be the better part of valor or something, but I don't like it. I like the word fucker a whole lot. In general, I think it's under utilized.


Short Answer: A crust fucker is someone who takes a whole loaf of unsliced bread, scoops out a dick hole (or a dick and balls hole if they can fit it), then spreads mayonnaise or butter inside the loaf. Thennnnnnn fucks it!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Question: Cozy?

Funny you should ask.


I'm at DEFCON eleven when it comes to cozy right now. Wait, is eleven low? I mean I'm high. Not on drugs. On hoodies and tube socks.


Here's the deal. I'm so cozy I'm falling asleep, even though I got plenty of sleep last night and haven't masturbated today. (I know, right? Don't worry. I'll take care of it once I'm done here.)


This is big time relevant right now because where I live, there's been snow, and snow is dumb except if you're inside and feeling completely protected from its cold, wet bullshit.


Maybe I'll make stew.


Short Answer: Sometimes when I get really cozy, I don't want to take my wiener out of my jeans to take care of the plumbing, 'cause I don't want it to get all cold. I have to look at many boobs to overcome this. Life is super tough.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Question: Why can't I be you?

Why Can't I Be You is a song released by The Cure in 1987 from the album Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me. In the video, Robert Smith is dressed like a furry and I think there's some blackface, and a pair of lips held horizontally to look like a vagina. And I'm pretty sure Humpty Dumpty is in there, too.


If this question is about the song, then yes, I agree, that is a good song and worth directing attention to. If not:


You can't be me because I'm a very special kind of person. We are all special in some ways, which makes it hard to be like someone else, let alone be someone else. To be me, you'd have to have just the right amount of all the things that define me. And quite frankly, you probably don't have enough dick.


Short Answer: I am 13 percent creative, 12 percent selfish, 11 percent hilarious, 10 percent lazy, 9 percent strong, 8 percent neurotic, 7 percent weak, 6 percent ambitious, 5 percent overbearing, 4 percent disappointed, 3 percent content, 2 percent paranoid, 1 percent caring, 1 percent moronic, 1 percent afraid, 1 percent scathing, 1 percent joyous, 1 percent angry, 1 percent logical, 1 percent emotional, 1 percent bored, 1 percent overwhelmed.


I'm a damn snowflake and so the fuck are you.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Question: When's the best time for nookie?

When they're not looking.


This feels like it should be a one line answer, but then the whole article could be misconstrued as 'rape people' which wasn't quite what I was going for. Thought it was a bit cuter than that.


Best time for nookie:


when you're not alone
when you're not in a hot tub
when most of the two of you are drunk
when the bed is at its squeakiest
when the neighbors are doin' it
when you're done fighting
when you've waited an hour after eating
when the wang is interested
when hockey's over
before the pizza guy arrives
after an impassioned speech
during an argument


Short Answer: My girl likes it in the a...m.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Question: What will we do without Harold Ramis?

Excellent question. It's gonna be tough.


Top Ten Harold Ramis


10) Year One (2009) Director, Writer, Played the small role of Adam - His most recent well-known project, it didn't go over as well as some of his others, but there was a lot of fun to be had.
9) SCTV - (1976-78) Appeared in twenty-eight episodes. - A lot of fun memories of SCTV.
8) Meatballs - (1979) Writer - One of a number of comedy classics from his pen.
7) Knocked Up - (2007) Played the part of Ben's dad - This is a silly one. I just remember being so pleased with Ramis in this movie, despite how small the part was. He was funny, touching and poignant and crucial to our understanding of the main character, giving much more to the part and the movie than was on the page.
6) Animal House - (1978) Writer - Yea, he wrote Animal House, too.
5) Ghostbusters 2 - (1989) Writer, Played the role of Dr. Egon Spengler - His second appearance as the iconic Dr. Spengler, his most beloved role. I've found this sequel to be rather underrated in not only his personal canon, but in the canon of all hit movie sequels.
4) Stripes - (1981) Writer, Played the role of Russell Ziskey - Not a whole lot of explanation needed for this classic. Murray and Ramis going wild in a way only they could.
3) Caddyshack - (1980) Director, Writer - Arguably the greatest comedy ever made, thanks to a whole lotta Ramis.
2) Groundhog Day - (1993) - Director, Writer, Played the small role of the neurologist - Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies. If Harold Ramis had done nothing else, I'd love him for this alone.
1) Ghostbusters - (1984) - Writer, Played the role of Dr. Egon Spengler - Ghostbusters is the best comedy ever made, in my humble little opinion.


Short Answer: "Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon."

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Question: What's the most Robocop you've ever been?

I was almost named Ed 209.
One time I got buried in sewage and wandered into the street.
The Dad from that seventies show shot my hand off.
I called myself TJ Lazer at laser tag.
My leg opens up (but it's gooier).
I can interface with machines using a spike in my fist. Meaning masturbation.
My favorite corp is Omnicorp.
Paul Verhoeven directed my wedding. It also cost thirteen million dollars. Peter Weller was one of the waiters.
My upper body and my lower body turn separately.

Short Answer: Dead or alive, I'm coming with me. 


Saturday, February 22, 2014

Question: In honor of the Olympics, what are the ten best sports movies?

Too many good ones (and funny ones). Gonna go with a top thirty.


Top Thirty Sports Movies


30) When We Were Kings
29) Hoosiers
28) Goon
27) Mr. Baseball
26) Kingpin
25) Senna
24) Love the Beast
23) White Men Can't Jump
22) Talladega Nights
21) Red Belt
20) Dodgeball
19) Million Dollar Baby
18) Major League
17) Beyond the Mat
16) Slap Shot
15) The Program
14) A League of Their Own
13) Friday Night Lights
12) The Wrestler
11) Bull Durham
10) Rudy - My top ten starts with Samwise Gamgee as some sort of midget trying to get into Notre Dame so he can play for the Fighting Irish. This one gets you in the goodies the way a sports movie should.
9) Warrior - How this movie flew under the radar I do not know. Amazing performances from Tom Hardy and Nick Nolte, this movie felt Oscar worthy to me.
8) Invictus - Speaking of Oscar worthy, this one reeked of quality, and despite its real messages concerning Mandela and apartheid (or perhaps because of them) the sports stuff at the end totally works.
7) Happy Gilmore - Ninety percent of the things I say come from either Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore. This movie is a gem.
6) Jerry Maguire - If this is a sports movie, and I obviously think it is, it's one of the best. An over the hill agent, swept up in the downward spiral of impending failure finds love and redemption.
5) Moneyball - I've watched this movie four times already, and I'm not a big baseball guy.
4) The Fighter - Apparently boxing makes for good drama. No need to explain this one, just another round of awesome performances - Christian Bale and Amy Adams in particular - and a well-executed telling of the behind-the-scenes family life of one of boxing's greats.
3) Caddyshack - It's in the hole, baby.
2) Rocky - Timeless, relatable and uplifting. May deserve to be number one.
1) Raging Bull - De Niro for the win. His performance here is so stellar, that it lifts the movie above all others.


Short Answer: Too many honorable mentions to name.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Question: Your worst words article wasn't good enough. Do better.

Wow. I don't think I've ever gotten a critique like this in the form of a question. (Not that this is a question; more like a demand.) My instinct is that you can just click on one of the other 407 billion blogs and be entertained by them (Yea right! Good luck!) or just lower your expectations when you visit mine. But I'm choosing to move past that instinct.


(Seriously, one time I went to the 'next blog' on Blogger and it was a woman talking about her garden. Her garden. As in, yard. Yea.)


I would love to do better good sir, or woman on her period, but I don't know in which direction better would be. You see, unlike all the other bloggers, I can't read any individual reader's mind. I might try to rewrite the 'article' and send it even further down the rabbit hole, and then you'll have to ask me another demand with even more strongly worded...words.


Not good enough could mean not enough swear words, or too many. It could mean you didn't fancy the writing, or the particular word choices. It could mean you have a small dick. What am I to do? Write a new article that makes you feel like other people's dicks are a similar size? That our dicks are as tiny as yours? You'd only have to look down at that pathetic pinky sock between your legs to know that I was lying. Nothing I can say can make that itty bitty single piece of all bran amidst your thatch better at pleasing a normal sized lady. I'm sorry you had to hear it from me.


And in case this question was from a woman, see above misogynistic period reference.


Short Answer: I think I've done better, and therefore answered the request. If you don't agree, feel free to scroll over to fuckyourselfwithadeadworm.org.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Question: What are your least favorite words and why? "Boondoggle" is off limits

A lot of my least favorite words are the ones that stupids use too often, or incorrectly.


Actually is the premiere example of this. It is probably my least favorite word because most times that it's uttered, it adds nothing to the rest of the statement. Check it out:


Actually is probably my least favorite word because most times that it's uttered, it actually adds nothing to the rest of the statement. Check it out, actually.


Literally is another one of those that's crept into my own vernacular recently, and I'm sorely disappointed in myself. Often, I'm just being lazy, reaching for a modifier without wanting to take the time to think of a decent one. It's literally pathetic. I've been using genuinely on this front as well, to the demise of all surrounding ears.


I guess there are a few words that I don't like the sound of, but I tend to go with them, and embrace the ugly. I've never much liked the word pussy, for example, but I still say it because it can produce good effect. Example: "Hey lady? Nice pussy." Effect: Lady drops dead.


Sometimes different meanings can change my feeling about a word. If you talk to me about the song, 'Tainted Love' I feel fine. But if you talk about someone's taint, referring to the section of human between butt and icky parts, I'm out.


And like everyone who isn't an idiot, I don't like words that aren't really words. Classics like 'irregardless' and 'a whole nother' suck bums.


Thing is, there's more stupids than not, so they'll win out eventually. Already, whole nother is actually commonplace.


See what I did there?


Short Answer: Nice pussy.



Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Question: How do we make public busses a better experience?

First I think the English language needs to decide that busses shouldn't be an acceptable spelling for more than one bus. I know that it is, but it looks super weird to me.


I hate to sound like a broken record, and I hate to resort to clich├ęs, and I'm as hungry as a horse, and I have a penis as big as a horse penis, but I will risk all of this to say, simply and succinctly, without further ado, that NUDITY makes everything better.


I mean, the bus has poles already, right?


Not people from Poland.


Or maybe a few. Polish buses probably have a lot.


Anywho...


Other than naked, jiggering flesh, the only thing that could make the bus better would be if it screened out - by some magical lasery device - all the chatty people. Who really wants to engage in any sort of human interaction with the type of humans that ride the bus? If I'm ever on a bus, I basically behave as if I'm in my own bus cubicle. Even if someone talks to me, I'm more likely to ignore a person within the confines of a bus than most anywhere else.


Short Answer: Cheaper and faster might be nice, too. I guess, just model the whole thing after strippers.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Question: Why do I want to punch slam-poets?

Maybe it's as simple as the fact that slam is a violent word, and registers in the back of your lizard brain, making you become violent.


I like poetry. To me, poetry is words. The reason you want to punch slam poets is because they're turning something that's words into a dramatic monologue. Sure, you might like to see a dramatic monologue, go to a play or see a show, but what the fuck does that have to do with poetry?


Also, there's a pomposity that goes along with keeping people's attention with rhythm and dramatic pauses when you're reading poetry, probably because the poetry itself is what's left underdeveloped and uninteresting in the process. Don't get me wrong, if the words are great, or the slamminess actually adds to them, then I'm in. Then it's an art form, a new thing, and it doesn't matter what I was hoping for, I'll be swept away. But all too often this slam-poetry stuff is just an acapella contest without the voice talent, or a blown audition for the put-upon child in an after-school special.


Slam poetry can feel like a one man show performed by an android that doesn't want to appear human, and it's slowly breaking down in front of you while imitating what it thinks of humanity. (Hit the big emotional notes and don't worry about the content.) Also, robots are good at rhythm.


In conclusion, slam poets are robots.


Short Answer:  I know lots of people like this stuff, and I'm not angry it exists. I just don't like that it often replaces regular old about the words poetry. I'd much rather see someone read the words to a wonderful poem they wrote, then throw a tantrum to a mediocre one.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Question: I am a fairly good looking camel but cabs don't stop for me. Any advice?

I don't know that I have any advice. I can, however, be the vehicle of harsh truths, here.


First, you're an idiot of a camel if you think you can fit into a cab. You can't. Even if you're a one-humper, you're justing wasting everyone's time trying to hoof flag a regular taxi.


Second, people don't care if you think you're good looking. To taxi drivers, you're just a camel. They don't compare you to other camels. It is irrelevant.


Third, you yourself are considered a mode of transportation. Have you ever seen a rickshaw get on the bus?


Short Answer: I shouldn't use derogatory camel slang like one-humper. Sorry, I got carried away. I meant dromedary.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Question: What are your favorite pet names?

Hmmm. This could mean names of pets, but my instinct says the other kind of pet names. Here's to disappointing you with a fifty-fifty call!


Favorite Pet Names


10) Muffin - that shit is a classic
9) Pickle - again, food works
8) Babe - you've gotta be a real man to make this work
7) Sweetheart - can't go wrong with this one
6) Tits - a go to of mine; classy and well-received
5) Fatty - important to use only on thin women, or ones who are currently stuffing their faces
4) Bitch - I use this only on my wife, a term of endearment and an apt representation of her behaviour
3) Pissflaps - I use this only on women that aren't my wife; they often don't know it's a pet name
2) Homeslice - originally an ironic usage, now it is one of my most favored terms of endearment, and still stupid enough to get a laugh
1) Baby - this has to be number one because I only use it when I'm super happy, and only at the grocery store


Short Answer: Bitchtits should get an honorable mention, because I like that one a lot too, even though I say it to women, therefore using it incorrectly.


Note: In case you did actually want names of pets, my favorite is Maximilian, the name of my childhood dog. I miss him, you jerk.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Question: What are you watching and/or reading right now?

Watching the Olympics, of course. As for television, I just got through the first episode of Klondike. Not bad so far; good to see Tim Roth. Still sticking with S.H.I.E.L.D despite its poor start and continued mediocrity. Watching and enjoying the Blacklist - James Spader! - and Almost Human.


Loving True Detective. Love, love, loving it.


As for booky-wooks, I'm in the middle of A Dance With Dragons. I think it's considerably better than the last of the series, but it feels like it's been too long and I'm having trouble remembering shit. Too bad I don't have time to go back and read a whole series every time an author takes some time between books. (Speaking of that, Brandon Sanderson just finished Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time. At some point soon, I'm going to have to go back and read all fourteen of these. Yikes.) Also reading Just After Sunset, a short story book by Stephen King, and I just finished Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. If you don't know what that is, I suggest you look it up. She good.


Short Answer: Reading a lot of Guide To Literary Agents, but that shit's a bit dry.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Question: Are you excited for Oscar season?

I think I've talked about this 'on blog' before. Every year that goes by, I grow a little less interested in the Oscars. It just feels like there isn't an award show out there that represents great films. Somewhere between the Oscars and the People's Choice Awards is a show that will never exist, that thinks genre film is equal to run of the mill dramas with poorly adapted screenplays and good actors who lose/gain lots of weight.


I watch a lot of movies, and the Academy Awards rarely represent what I think the best films of the year are. Yet I'll be there, sitting on my couch with my wife, watching them as usual, for fear I'll miss some historical moment or tremendous speech. I love the pomposity of it all; the back-pattery and the gownery, I do. I just don't like the movies all that much.


Short Answer: Not excited, no. Just a little curious.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Question: Canada, eh?

On account of having no desire to represent Canada or give a long tirade about how awesome Canada is and how awesome it is to be Canadian, I'll just assume this question is related to the start of Canada's bid to defend their Olympic Gold Medal.


So the answer is: Yea, Canada.


Short Answer: If this was somehow trying to make fun of Canada for saying 'eh' I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I've lived in this country my whole life, from one coast to the other, and I've never met a single Canadian who says 'eh' on a regular basis. Maybe they do it in the middle somewhere, but it's never made much sense to me.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Question: What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

Man, it's a really tough one this year. One of the main issues each and every year is that Valentine's Day isn't very far away from our anniversary, making a perfect excuse for us to low key the shit out of both events.


Often on Valentine's Day we resort to me making a 'special' dinner and then doing it against a freshly painted wall. But the special part is ridiculous because I'm pretty good with the foods, and I make some pretty rad stuff on a regular basis. So in the past when I've asked my wife what kind of special dinner she wants, she often says something ridiculous like mac 'n' cheese or sloppy joes. (After she makes the requisite reference to wanting my junk for dinner, of course.)


Because I find sloppy joes a distasteful Valentine's Day meal, and I just made a lasagna the other day, I'm plum out of ideas. We're not the kind of people who spend money on each other for crap like this, meaning I have to rely on my invention and intelligence. This doesn't go over well. I'm a guy who uses up his ideas every day, all the time, and it can be exhausting to find myself in a position during real life where I have to be 'creative'. No one wants to do the thing they do for work for fun.


Last year when I woke up, my wife had put a bunch of heart stickers all over the house. It probably didn't cost much and it was a sweet gesture. The bitch really raised the bar on that one and I'm pissed off about it. One year she made me a Valentine with her own two hands, like a grade-schooler, and it had a collage of things I like on it.


Yea.


I'll probably end up doing what I always do and ask her with a sad face so she expects nothing from me. Then I'll surprise her with...nothing! Then I'll start the divorce proceedings.


Short Answer: We'll probably just pick-up a cheap hooker again and make her masturbate to our live sketch comedy show. It's called 'Living Room Improviacs'. It's a working title. Meaning it totally works.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Question: I ask you Keith, what would you do if you could ask yourself a question?

Hey Keith? What did you think of Iron Man 3 the second time you watched it?


It wasn't as bad as I thought, alright? Leave me alone!


Hey Keith? To whom would you direct the statement, "You have a most compelling jawline, sir."?


Alive Division: Brad Pitt
Not Alive Division: Jack Palance
Not Funny Division: Jay Leno
Woman's Division: Salma Hayek
Long Division: 68 with a remainder of 1


Hey Keith? How do you handle being so sexy and so funny?


It's like the psychological equivalent of a hot lady handling two sets of testicles, one in either hand. It's like playing the piano, or rubbing your belly and patting your head. It's like waxing on clockwise, while waxing off counter clockwise, while waxing poetic.


Hey Keith? Why do you start every question to yourself, 'Hey Keith?'?


Very funny, me. Leave me alone, me!


Hey Keith? What say you to a little lovin'?


I say, 'Don't shoot me dad!' No, I mean, 'Let's get it on...'


Short Answer: That was a pretty rough Marvin Gaye joke.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Question: Do you like slow motion in movies?

Does the movie 300 have slow motion?

Then yes! I do!


Remember that moment in the Avengers when Thor and Hulk are fighting, and Thor reaches for mjolnir, and it comes to him just in time, and he swings, and it goes into slow motion for the briefest moment?


Yes!


Wow. How lucky am I as a fan of comicdom that I get to write the above sentence and it's actually real.


Slow motion can definitely be overused, or used as a replacement for proper choreography, talent or real emotion, but those cases are so obvious that it's not even the same animal. When slow motion is used to give emphasis to already good moments, or well through out and executed fight choreography, then it is the tits.


What would When Harry Met Sally be without that super slow-motion orgasm in the restaurant?
Or what would Soylent Green be without the super slow motion, hard to understand reveal that Soylent Green is made out of peeeeeeeeeopplllllleeeee?
Or what would Kramer vs. Kramer be without that slow motion court room judgement, gavel hanging in the air forever and ever?


Okay, none of that was true.


Short Answer: Bye!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Question: So I found what I think is a portal to a magical land. I never believed in this stuff before, but there it is, beckoning me. What should I do?

I guess you have to ask yourself a couple of very serious questions. The most important being: Do I want to live a life where I believe in wonderful, fantastical things, a world of mystery and possibility?


If the answer is yes, then don't go through the portal. You're going to be very disappointed when you step through and end up one foot away from where you started, and realize there's no portal and life is meaningless.


If the answer is no. Go for it.


And if you do happen to go through and manage to keep your drug hallucination going, don't tell me about it. I don't need to live in a world full of wonderful, fantastical things. I have access to pizza and boobs; I'm not greedy.


Short Answer: Unless it's beckoning you with an actual finger, like a large breasted multi-dimensional being is urging you through the portal and into their sex palace for many bowzers, I'd probably just go to bed and sleep that shit off.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Question: Hey Bro! You sportin' any tats?

No.


When I was younger I had an earring. Then as I grew older, I decided that I didn't want to wear jewellery, so I got rid of it. It's hard to understand what goes into making decisions like that. I just felt like the kind of dude who didn't wear an earring.


Besides that, I used to wear a yin-yang in it - before it was cool, obviously - but love of Eastern philosophy and Robotech was co-opted by douchebags and eventually MMA fighters. I no longer felt original, and knew that my love of balance in the universe didn't need to be displayed on any of my external lobes.


As for tats, when I was sixteen, I seriously considered getting a yin-yang on my forearm, in red and white, which would've sucked and made no sense at all. I had just enough foresight to comprehend that I may not be pleased with a permanent decision made when I was a little chode, so I passed up the opportunity.


I've thought about tattoos in my adult life a few times. Getting my wife's name would be cool, I think, and I've also always thought it would be funny to get a tattoo of a stick man, because that's the easiest thing to draw. But again, I sense that I would regret these decisions, especially after I marry Salma Hayek or get a flesh eating disease and no longer get joy from stick figures, on account of the hideous and blatant irony.


Short Answer: I also don't drink much, which helps with the not getting tattoos.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Question: At this point, I'm thinking "Groundhogs deserve to be killed at birth". You?

I'll go ahead and assume this is a commentary on the 'polar vortex' type situations that we've been going through.


But let's be serious. if this capital G Groundhog is in control of something as powerful as this capital PV Polar Vortex, he's probably too powerful, even at birth, to be killed by mortal man. We'll have to institute a kill all fertile groundhogs rule to make sure it never happens again, or do some screening to find out what sort of superwomb created such a heinous monster.


Anywho, fuck the cold.


Short Answer: Wind chill? I got your fuckin' wind chill right here, motherfucker! (Sounding tough in mittens, by Keith.)

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Question: Are you a busy guy?

I think because I come from a background of not feeling like I was ever busy, I'll never be able to tell if I'm actually busy. There are days when I feel like I have so much to do that I'm overwhelmed, but they're not often the sorts of things that other people get overwhelmed by.


And yet, I sit at my computer and write every day, something a lot of people would consider very difficult. Some might think that having to do only that in a day would be a monumental enough task to consider their day rather full, making them feel busy.


Maybe busy is what you feel when something gets added to whatever your routine is. I know if I have a bunch of shit to do and my wife suggests I take out the garbage, I start swinging.


I'd say no, I'm not a busy guy, because I find the time to do what I want, despite how many 'tasks' I might accomplish in a day. But sometimes, no matter how small or how little time the tasks will take up, just having a list in your head is enough to make you feel stressed. And stressed feels a lot like busy.


Here are some of the things that make me feel busy.


Having to get up.
Having to work out.
Having to write.
Having to edit.
Having to 'be funny' on Twitter.
Having to 'not murder' on Facebook.
Having to read through my rejections.
Having to send requested materials.
Having to do submissions.
Having to do household chores.
Having to do grocery shopping.
Having to eat.
Having to run my car to make sure it still works.


I usually handle my shit by convincing myself not to think about all of it. Just do one thing at a time. This works until something new comes up, and it all comes crashing down and I lose my shit.


Even then I don't feel busy. I feel shame. I feel like I'm the only person in the universe who can't handle normal, daily bullshit. I feel like I'm pretending to be a human being, a facsimile of someone who gets things done.


It's funny how you can begin to take pretty solid accomplishments for granted once you've turned them from ambitions into habits. Like the writing. I don't feel any sense of accomplishment on a day to day basis, because I've been doing it for long enough that it's nearly beyond habit, bleeding over into the realm of addiction. If I don't get my words done, it eats away at me, itches and burns. I can't think of anything else until it's done. Mission accomplished by turning it into something that gets done every day, but I'm not drawing a lot of positives from accomplishing the task. Eventually, the habits you've formed become weird little evils that waste your time while you're worrying about the other shit you have to do.


Stepping back, of course, you accomplish so much more in your life by turning your ambitions to habits. You write books, lose weight, keep your teeth clean, and don't have rats in your house. But on a day to day basis, it can feel like a grind.


You can feel pretty busy.


Short Answer: I've changed my mind. Despite all the masturbation, I am pretty busy.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Question: What are your top five 'pick me up' movies?

I haven't thought of 'pick me up movies' since Blockbuster closed and I could no longer gain access to a 'pick me up movies' section.


Of course I'm being sarcastic. That never existed. There never was a Blockbuster, kids. You've always been able to watch movies using only magic. Legs were never a part of it at all.


Of course I'm just kidding. I've never heard of a 'pick me up movie' before, but I think I get the idea.


Favorite Pick Me Up Movies


5) Groundhog Day - Either underrated, or everyone is hiding their fandom for this movie in the closet along with their gay little brother, Groundhog Day is a wonderful, heart-warming masterpiece of both invention and performance, and Bill Murray, three of the four major food groups of wonderful cinema. (Yes, boobs is the fourth.)
4) Grosse Pointe Blank - Despite the title where every word means something, this movie is a delight. It has my favorite kind of main character/archetype: funny handsome assassin, and the for some reason forgotten Minnie Driver, with some help from sister Cusack and a neat supporting cast. It also has a high school reunion and a fantastic dust up that ends in pen death.
3) Role Models - Two dudes - Paul Rudd and Stifler - through hijinks and chicanery, end up becoming big brothers to a larp-ing nerd and a foul-mouthed little jerk. Everybody learns to be better people, Kiss plays a part, and there's a war at the end.
2) Big Trouble in Little China - There are two types of people in the world. Those who've seen this movie and love it, and those who haven't. Some claim they've seen it and don't love it, both those fuckers don't count as people. Be careful around them.
1) Adventures in Babysitting - I got attached to this when I was young, and have never been able to shake it. In a way, it's my first exposure to many of the classic shenanigans that permeate American comedies, and it will always put a smile on my face.


Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: The Princess Bride, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Baseketball, Billy Madison, In Bruges, Space Balls, Boogie Nights (miss you already, Philip Seymour Hoffman), Glengarry Glenross, Wonder Boys.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Question: Hi Keith. I heard you snorlaxing last night from the other side. Would you, could you shut up so we can get some sleep over here?

SEUSSSSSS!


Short Answer: This isn't the end, Doc. Not even close. I've been practising my apple piling, and I'm puttin' so many up on top! When I get to ten, you're going to hear about it buddy!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Question: Who's going to win the Superbowl?

Aarggh. It's so close this year. My first thought was that the weather was going to play a large part. Manning hasn't been good in colder weather, but it looks like it will be pretty reasonable.


Historically, defense does in fact win championships. I think when the number one defense in the league has gotten to the Superbowl, they're thirteen and three, whereas when the number one offense does, they're only eight and ten. And when the number one offense and defense meet, the advantage has historically gone to the defense. I think it's three to nothing, or three to one. Can't remember off the top of my head. Anyway, there are enough statistics to support the defense, here.


On the other throwing hand: Payton Manning. With the year he put together, it's hard to bet against him. He's figured out tough defenses before, and just because he hasn't seen many high-end defenses this year doesn't mean he won't have success. And the Seahawks only saw one top ten offense all year, I think. How will they handle Payton's crazy adjusty skills?


Short Answer: My brain says Seahawks, my heart says Denver. I think Payton Manning is the best quarterback of all time, and if he gets his second championship, people will have to stop using the fact that he only has one as a reason to exclude him from the best of the best conversation.


So Denver. Denver will win. 31-17.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Question: If you were to name your blog, what would you name it?

Probably Blogbert. That has a nice ring to it.


That or:


Blogford
Angela Bloggerington
Blog-Blog of the Blog Swamp
Robert Bloggia
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Blog
The American Blog Ninja
Blog Trouble in Little China
Lee Daniels' The Blog
Rumours by Fleetwood Blog
Chanel Number Blog
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Blog Watson
The Desolation of Blog
London Blog
The Princess and the Blog
It's Blog, it's Blog, it's big, it's heavy it's wood.
Do You Believe in Life After Blog?
The Blog of the Sea
Blogged Lines
Mr. Blog
Capital Bloggers
Enema Blog Jones
Blogiarrhea
Blogorrhea
The Good, The Blog and The Ugly
Blogman
Manblog
The World According to Blog Garp
The Carpet Shampoo Blog
Blogging a Dead Horse
Living High on the Blog
Pork Rinds and Blog Posts
Blogtopussy


Short Answer: Enough! From Blog to Eternity!