Friday, January 31, 2014

Question: Who is the best Mexican prime minister?

Uh...


There is no Mexican Prime Minister, and if there was, there'd probably be only one, so picking the best one there 'is' - as in right now - would be a pretty quick answer.


Funny that, even with that flaw corrected, picking the best Mexican Prime Minister ever would produce even less of a result, on account of there never being a Mexican Prime Minister.


Is this another ploy to get me to write a whole shit-ton of euphemisms? If you want that, you can just ask. I shouldn't have to figure out what heinous sexual act you've dubbed 'The Mexican Prime Minister'. You should just tell me.


Okay, okay, let me try to figure this out. In my mind, Prime Ministers don't do a whole lot, they just basically keep their heads down and do what America tells them. So that's like a sexual act where someone isn't trying hard but their older, better looking brother is in the room telling them how it's done. I guess the Mexican part is that the person doing the fucking is corrupt, and has told his older brother that they're getting twenty dollars each, but in actuality, the lazy fucker is getting sixty total.


Now, as for who's the best at fucking someone without effort while getting instructions from their older brother then keeping two thirds of the pay for himself, I'd have to go with my little brother.


Bad enough he's a prostitute; he's also turned me into an underpaid pimp. That, by the way, is the worst kind of pimp. I have to do a lot of choking and it hurts my fingies.


Short Answer: I practically invented the Pimp Manicure, by the way. Oh dear god, that sounds like another euphemism. Here we go again! (Rolls eyes - freeze frame)

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Question: Could you discuss poetry near a roaring fire with a pipe in your mouth and pants on?

I see what you did there. Throwing my short answer from yesterday's post back in my face.


Don't throw things in my face!


Of course I could discuss poetry under those circumstances. I'm sophisticated. In fact, I might be the most sophisticated person in the world who also wrote the word 'queef' twice on Twitter today. I'd rather not have to wear the pants, though. Roaring fires are warm, and pants are warm, and two warm things make my testicles perspire.


See how classy I was when referring to ball sweat just then? I didn't say nut sludge, or scrote tears or nuthin'.


Oops.


Short Answer: Me: "Walt Whitman, what a dude." Everyone else = impressed.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Question: You're gross. Do somethng useful.

I love it when people make jokes using the internet, either by personifying it or making it sound like it's a finite thing. Things like, 'You've reached the end of the internet' or 'Time to close down the internet,' or 'Man stalked and killed by internet'.


This had nothing to do with the question. I just figured if someone's going to ignore my format so blatantly, I'd just write whatever the hell I wanted. And by the way, you're gross. Here's something useful. Me describing how gross you are.


You're as gross as a full-breath flu-sneeze right into your mother's already moist bush.


Holy shit, now I see it. I am gross and should be doing something more useful. But did you see it? The particulate bad-cold matter that collected on the glistening surface of your mother's thatch?


Sorry, sorry. I'm gross.


But am I as gross as the noxious, drippy sludge that is - as we speak - collecting along the contours of your mom's dank vagina lips, the wetness pooling and sluicing through the creases created by the shrivelling action that accompanies too distant sunlight?


If you have a talent, and you try to use it for the good of all mankind, isn't that useful? Sure, some to most people will be disgusted by what I've done here today, and yet there are others who will be amused, even proud. Well, maybe not proud. And yea, with this specific one, maybe not all that amused. Okay, okay, a lot of them will get sick.


But not as sick as your very own mother's filthy, decrepit pussy!


Short Answer: Now I'd like to discuss poetry near a roaring fire with a pipe in my mouth and pants on.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Question: How do you manipulate a zealot?

What the fuck is this a metaphor for? I don't think I ever want to see a person 'manipulate their zealot'. That's awful.


Think I'll just go around the corner here and manipulate the old zealot!
Hopefully, later, I'll have time to tip the garbage man!
Maybe if I'm lucky we can all wax the suit rack!
If Jerry comes over, we can shampoo the burlap!
In hindsight, I'd rather plug in my hotplate!


Why am I yelling?


Because I must have been too hard on myself when I was carrying on an intimate conversation with my landlord!


I might have lost the plot on that last one, though I defend that if we're implying any sort of masturbatory situation here, and I'm not saying we are, having an intimate conversation with your landlord is the most gentle and relatable analogy.


As for the actual question, I wouldn't try to manipulate a zealot, because they'll fucking kill you.


Short Answer: Righteous anger is often more powerful than step through round kicks, my favored defense.


Note: I think 'phrases that sound like you're talking about touching yourself' is my most common theme.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Question: What events would you add to the Olympic line-up?

I recently talked about this on Twitter.  I think 'Slut Luge' is viable, especially if we can get the right kind of gel to coat their naked bodies as they hurtle - naked and spread eagle - down the icy track at a mamillion miles an hour. I also think that the 'Bi-curious-athlon' could be fairly successful, though not necessarily entertaining to watch. Basically, it's just biathlon with surreptitious glances in the direction of tightly contained packages and bottoms. And the scores are a little worse.


If this was a serious question, I think the answer is none. I don't think there are all that many winter sports left to include, unless we seriously fund some snowball fight training. Of course, this question doesn't say winter, so there's a myriad of fun things that could be turned into Summer Olympic sports. And if I was forced to pick one - and I am - I'd go with fucking.


You could have most fuckings, longest fucking, deepest fuckery, loudest fuck, the fuckstick, fuck for awhile and then do some steeplechase, fuckhurdles, fuckminton, the angriest waddle (to and from the bathroom divisions), and interpretative fuckdance.


Short Answer: And so forth... (By the way, the dismount in Slut Luge is the best.)



Sunday, January 26, 2014

Question: How do I explain to my dog and parrots that none of that was okay?

Look, no one likes collusion in a board game. It takes the fun out of it, and makes it just about winning. There's really no excuse for their behaviour.


But on the bright side, you only have to yell at your parrots, because then they'll continue to yell at each other and the dog until the end of time.


Besides, it's not like you lost at chess to the goldfish again.


Short Answer: Board games!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Question: If you could add a button to a human being, what would it do when pressed?

I hate to sound like a boring, droning old man telling you about how tough it was when he got back from 'Nam, (Yea, yea Grandpa, we've all seen our best friend's entrails. Geez.) but the first thing that comes to mind is an 'Off' button. Problem with that, of course, is that it would become quickly illegal for anyone to reach over and turn someone else off. Mainly - and sadly - due to the new epidemic of 'Off Rape' which is a lot like an off ramp but with way more crying in the shower and a few fewer people who don't understand the zipper technique when you're merging.


I think for our own convenience, a poop button would be nice. (Not everybody is as regular as you are, Grandpa!) Then you'd never have to worry so much about fibre or letting out a shrill cry/massive dook in the movie theatre.


Here's a fun button. A button, that when pressed, increases your IQ by about fifty points for, oh let's say, ten seconds. This would be a great way to deal with a stupid person who was...doing anything or near you. Like that lady who yelled at me for making a left turn at a crosswalk light, because she thought I had come straight through the intersection and run a red light. I'd just press her button, and she'd stop and say, 'Oh, I didn't see where you came from, therefore it is wrong of me to assume you're trying to kill me with your car. So sorry for losing my shit on such a handsome individual.' (Smart people think I'm handsome. What?)


Another great button would be one that increases horny. Despite a desire to use this for my own end, (I mean ends. Or do I?) I would probably just use it to make the line at the grocery store more fun. 'Oh, so you got butter today, did you? I see it's the salted kind. Aren't you naughty? Ohh, there's the beep. That's the sound of me backing up into your buttered...'


You get the idea. Last but not sheep, I'd go with a cancer murdering button. Because we'd all like to have a whole let less cancer, wouldn't we?


Short Answer: Except Grandpa! Just because you gritted your teeth and pooped out your own prostate doesn't mean that when other people get cancer it's to wipe out the pansies. Whatever the hell that means!

Friday, January 24, 2014

Question: Hey Keith? This is Keith. Why is your google stuff not working properly?

Funny you should ask, Keith. I've been forced to write this faux-blog for fear that if I tried to do a real one, it would be erased and my computer would blow up.


Short Answer: Computer problems are the suck.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Question: What's the first you can think of that isn't about farts or boobs? Go!



Well now all I can think about is farts and boobs because you put those things in my head. Geez.


Is butts about boobs? Oh, shit. Butts is kinda about farts. What about tits? Tits aren't farts! Oh, son of a bitch, tits are boobs. What about straight up poops? Unless they're onto a woman's chest, they aren't about boobs oh dammit poops are kinda like farts. What about, like, breasts? Right, right.


This is super hard. Now I'm thinking about dicks. Dicks aren't farts or boobs, right? Yay! Dicks aren't farts or boobs! Dicks aren't farts or boobs! I haven't been this happy about discovering that dicks have nothing to do with boobs since I took that Thai hooker home. I mean, I know she called herself Mitch-ina, but I was surprised when there was a vagina beneath those dirty overalls.


Also, I haven't been this happy that dicks don't have anything to do with farts since that time I had a huge spontaneous bowel evacuation during 'casual anal night' at the fair.


Short Answer: Dicks is the first thing I thought of. Is anyone surprised? This has practically been Dick Week on AskKeithAnything. (By the way, I've also been to 'casual anal night' at the zoo.)

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Question: There's a couple of ways to go on this one, eh?

Perhaps.


If you're referring to:


...a three-way with another dude and a chick - the way to go is to make some specific dick-on-dick ground rules
...whether or not to aid in the birth of the horse - the way to go is the way that keeps horse placenta off your new purse
...leaving your wife because she fellated the doorman - the way to go is to ask her if his penis was bigger than yours
...knowing whether or not you should get a dog - the way to go is to consider whether or not you're made to handle unconditional love and/or dog farts
...deciding what kind of flowers to have at your wedding - the way to go is the ones that look most like vaginas
...which route you should take to get to the parade - the way to go is any way but the parade route
...whether or not to let your son smoke weed - the way to go is to make sure you're not high when making the decision
...the use of the word homunculus - the way to go is to point to your penis
...the way a hot dog fits between the soft lips of a hot dog bun - the way to go is with innuendo
...the ability to be genuine when professing love to your male friends - the way to go is having sexual intercourse with their anuses


Short Answer: There's usually only one way to go and a bunch of gnarly, overgrown paths trying to obscure your view. Buy a machete, and get moving.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Question: Why are you married if you like dudes so much?

That's like a full-bore wallop to the dickhole.


I think it's okay to beard-up these days. I mean, the closeted homosexual is almost a dying breed. Is it so wrong for me to be aware of my vulnerability and want to fend off extinction? Besides, I like men with breasts, so I don't think that makes me all the way gay, does it?


The truth is, if I was married to a dude, I'd probably like chicks way more. I'm finicky.


Short Answer: You can't blame me for being attracted to peen. I'm so fond of my own situation, it's only natural.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Question: The ghost in my bathroom keeps telling me to wash my hands BEFORE I do business. What am I to make of this?

You have a lot of problems.


First, don't listen to ghosts. You shouldn't be hearing them in the first place, but if you must, don't listen to them. They're not in it for you.


Second, your ghost is messed up. He probably died in some weird traumatic event where either he or the murderer of him had dirty hands. This is a bad death, going down into the darkness and silence while worrying about possible infection.


Thirdlu, if the ghost just wants you to be squeaky clean, not such a biggy. But if he wants you to wash your hands before and not afterward, then his plan is for you to have shit hands. Shit hands leads to all kinds of bad news, and therefore, this is a bad ghost.


Short Answer: Flee.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Question: How do you handle stress?

By writing a brief and un-entertaining blog entry, while frowning morosely at the screen, while sitting naked in my living room, while wishing I didn't have to be stressed out ever.


Short Answer: I think I handle it by letting it kill me from the inside out. Though that may not count as handling it.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Question: How do you talk to a guy like Michael Myers (the relentless knife dude)?

Michael Myers just happens to be my favorite relentless knife dude and from what I can gather, there's just no talking to him. You can try a calm voice, or scream right in his face; nothing's gonna fly. Basically, you're just squawking meat that needs a little more killing in your soon to be over life, and he's just the hombre to oblige you.


The only theory I can come up with, if communication is your goal, is that his only form of communication is stabbing. So maybe you should try stabbing him, see if he responds. Stab him in a pattern, one short, one long, a twist. See if that gets you anywhere.


Short Answer: It won't.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Question: How do you handle someone who is pretending to have a cool accent? At a party, for example.

I believe the proper way to handle such an intelligent and creative gentleman is to cup one hand beneath his buttocks and one hand beneath his scrotum. Feel free to separate from the back, and lift lightly from the front.


No but seriously, anyone who does anything sucks, so this guy/gal is totally up to some suck. Try using a harsher, more aggressive version of their accent. Example: they're speaking a lilting northern English accent, you bring it right on down to cockney asshole. This will accomplish one of two things. Either the person will start to lose his accent and copy yours, which is hilarious, or it will shine a light on the fact that you think he's faking, making people pay closer attention to the culprit. Either way, this should crack them and solve the problem.


The other game you can play if you're able to mimic the accent, is the, "Oh, what part of Ireland, Australia, Mexico (ha, like anyone would think that was a cool accent), are you from?" Then pretend that you are actually from the place they name, and start asking them if they know people. When they get really flustered, you can accuse them of not being from there at all.


Short Answer: If this is a girl faking a British accent, you can totally nail her. That's what she gets.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Question: Is there an actual term for a fictional story based on fact?

Yea. It's called 'Fuck-Aroundery' and you can find it in the bookstore near the enemas.


Maybe there's some bullshit like 'partially/loosely based on a true story' but I don't think so. I think as soon as you fictionalize anything it gets jammed in with the fiction.


I've had this problem myself, on account of how close many of the stories I share on here are to my real life. When I walk down the street, women just whip off their panties. It sounds fictional, but it's based in fact.




Short Answer: 'Inspired by real life events' might be the closest tagline you'll find. Basically, nonfiction is factual, and everything else is fiction. The panty thing does happen though, I swear it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Question: Check out this penis?

Upon reading this question, all I could imagine was an awkward situation with a Thai hooker. Like she wants me to see what's underneath the thong, and she thinks I know what I've gotten myself into, but she's still not quite sure I'm going to accept the glaring truth of a filthy man-dong attached to a beautiful woman with a great, albeit fake as hell, rack.


If this question is in some way asking if I'm willing to check out a penis, the answer is yes, but only if it's my penis, and only if I'm checking it out of the pussy motel. And then back in, and then back out again.


Just kidding, I'll look at your dick.


Short Answer: Let's do this thing!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Question: How can you tell if the rattling sound in your basement is one o' them dread-locked predator thingies?

I think you have to hear that zooming-in laser sound to be sure it's a predator, but even than, rattling plus laser zoom noise could be the pipes or an angry washer/dryer situation.


If the last few movies have been any sort of precedent, I'd be looking around for signs of a xenomorph, because that's probably why the predator is in your house. And if you can't find any signs, get ready to have something punch through your sternum any minute, 'cause you're the sucker at the table.


The only way to be sure is visual confirmation. I'd dress up like a predator and go down stairs. If there is another predator, he should hesitate before blowing your head off. Then, just use the universal signal for 'I gotta poop' and take off.


Short Answer: If you don't know the universal signal for 'I gotta poop' you've lived a lucky and privileged life, my friend.



Monday, January 13, 2014

Question: I spilled wine on my carpet. What should I do?

Move.


If you have a dog, you could try to get him to clean it up with constant licking. Or you could just blame the dog for doing it. He's probably made a bunch of other stains anyway.


You could tell people that it's blood, and then look away, wringing your hands. They won't say much after that.


There are products on the market that could help you remove the stain or you could rent out a steam cleaner. But then you're one of those people.


Wine's just one of those things. I think having stains is the collateral damage from stomping grapes into intoxication. You just gotta live with it, man.


Short Answer: If you're dog is an alcoholic, you've got a sure-fire excuse for having a wine stain. Dogs are messy drunks.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Question: Can you please do a list of top Fantasy movies? My SO and I want to go on an adventure.

I guess after 1,111 questions and answers, this is going to start happening more and more. Here is the link to the list I did May 2nd, 2012:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/05/question-why-does-hollywood-seem-to.html


That pretty much covers the question, but I don't like answering with a link, so I'll do my best to answer the question right this moment, as if the previous answer didn't exist.


Again, in doing a list like this, I'm going to assume we're talking high fantasy, sword and sorcery and LOTR type properties; no sci-fi, no superheroes. Also going to avoid modern/urban fantasies, because it's really not the same thing. (Groundhog Day is a great film, but does it belong next to Conan?)


In truth, I'm glad to have this opportunity, because I didn't do too much thinking about my very favorite fantasy films when constructing the previous list.


Top Twenty Fantasy Movies


20) The Hobbit: The entire series. Just going to assume that once these are all done, they'll belong somewhere on this list.
19) Conan the Barbarian. I'm sure you know this one. If not, you should probably watch it first.
18) Ladyhawke. A forgotten film, with Rutger Hauer and a young Matthew Broderick. Like Willow, it hits all the notes.
17) Centurion. I guess I'm a little confused in terms of Roman/sword and sandle stuff. Technically, if I'm putting this on here, shouldn't Spartacus be in the top five? My thoughts are that Spartacus doesn't feel like a fantasy movie, it feels like a pure period piece. But when the story is smaller, swordier and the violence is ramped up, movies feel more like fantasy to me. This Fassbender vehicle squeaks in.
16) Outlander. This is totally sci-fi technically, but it all takes place in a period landscape, and feels more fantasy than anything else. A little known gem.
15) Kingdom of Heaven. Only fantasy because of it's time period, this is more based in reality than most entries on this list. You'll need to go director's cut to be satisfied, but it's worth it. Orlando Bloom is pretty solid as the world's tiniest blacksmith.
14) Troy. Fantasy because it's mythology, I really enjoyed Troy's scope. And the fight between Achilles and Hector is one of my all time favorites. Orlando Bloom conspires to drop the movie off all lists forever and fails.
13) First Knight. Sean Connery as King Arthur, with all the fixins. There are some great love triangly moments in this one.
12) Excalibur. Crazy epic epicness, and Carmina Burana to boot.
11) Dragonslayer. A little slow at times, this tale of man versus pissy dragon is the bible for simple, successful heroic fantasy tales.
10) 300. Everything that a sword and sandal epic should have, plus rare innovation. The tale of the 300 Spartans who stood at Thermopylae is a story that was destined for big screen greatness.
9) Monty Python's The Holy Grail. Who said fantasy can't be funny? Not these fuckers.
8) How to Train Your Dragon. I don't usually include cartoons in these sorts of lists. I think they are a different medium, and should be treated that way. But here I've made an exception because this movie is fucking awesome.
7) Stardust. Like an updated Princess Bride, this movie hits all the right beats of creativity, from the mind of Neil Gaiman, who does creative pretty well. Surprised this movie isn't more renowned, and I think maybe it will be later on.
6) Willow. Love me some Willow. In a way, this is the best of the best when it comes to Hollywood fantasy. It's a cut above all its imitators, with all the elements in place. Madmartigan and General Kael are cinema legends in my world.
5) Reign of Fire. You could argue this is sci-fi, and you might be right. But dragons, yo.
4) King Arthur. No magical elements, but I think this qualifies because Arthurian. I believe this movie is underrated, especially in terms of how interesting the 'knights of the round table' are, despite little screen time to build their characters.
3) The Princess Bride. Maybe there aren't any decapitations, but there is love, swordplay and revenge, along with a little comedy. Hard to say anything bad about this film.
2) Highlander. Though partially modern, this movie is about a series of swordfights between immortals until only one remains. That may not be the definition of fantasy, but maybe it should be.
1) LOTR: The entire series. No surprise here. It's the most beloved fantasy property ever, given time, respect, dedication and supreme effort. Even if the emotional journeys didn't work (they did), I think I'd still like this the most just because they did it. They actually and finally did it.


Short Answer: There are definitely a lot of great films that are barely sci-fi, straight period pieces or slightly modern that could easily get on this list. Fantasy is the hardest genre to define, when it comes to film.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Question: How many knock-knock jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one.


Knock-knock.
Who's there?
An owl that has basic hand-eye skills, coordination and the ability to reach said light bulb.
An owl that has basic hand-eye skills, coordination and the ability to reach said light bulb who?
Though I appreciate your effort to speak to me using my own language, it is imperative that I complete this request and install the light bulb before someone gets hurt. I can see in the dark better than most, and it is not lost on me that should I become complacent, someone with weaker night vision could trip and fall. If you would like to continue this conversation over drinks, maybe?


Short Answer: Ha! That owl was a player the whole time!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Question: What do you look for in a woman/prospective mate?

First, I look to see if it's my wife.


Then, if she's not around, I look for tall feet. You know, the kind of feet that can only wear sandals.
I also like:


brawny knuckles
duel-toned eyebrows
knankles - that's when there's no calf or ankle, just knee then foot.
sparse hair on head, thick hair elsewhere
twitchy eyes
penchant for needing multiple purses at once
lips that move far back on the gums
shady motivations couple with reduced eyesight
ability to quote Saved by the Bell's Mr. Belding
innocence

Short Answer: I just need someone who laughs at my jokes, then continues to laugh at those jokes until I shout, "No!"

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Question: Did you enjoy the People's Choice awards?

I enjoyed not watching them, if that's what you're driving at.


You can't trust a group of people as stupid as people to make choices.


Here's a question for you. If everyone you ever talk to claims their music tastes are 'eclectic' or that they lesson to a 'wide range' of music, how come so many fucking people vote for the same shit all the time? If it was really people's choice, it wouldn't just be the same garbage. It's because people aren't really choosing, they're following. Following ads, marketing, what's already in front of them, what their friends are doing or saying is cool. People who make informed decisions are much more interesting, but I guess the People's Informed Decision awards didn't have as nice a ring to it.


Someone like me has a hard time enjoying something like the People's Choice awards because either one of two things happens. The first is that I don't agree with the people and it makes me feel old, isolated and itchy. The second is that I do agree and I feel like a sheep about to be fucked off the side of a cliff.


Short Answer: I figure, in that old adage that you fuck a sheep near a cliff because he'll push back, that if I'm the sheep, I'm going to lose the ability to push back as I'm coming, and I'm going to fall anyway. Life for me and sheep is equally hard.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Question: Will there be a changing of the guard in Congress this year? Will stupid continue to prevail?

I think I've said this before. I used to think, as I grew older, that things were getting worse. Now, with a little more experience under the belt and above the balls, I'm getting the feeling that it's always been this bad, and that when you're younger you just don't care enough to notice. I think as long as congress is a route to a cushy consulting job paid for by big business, you're going to get a lot of people who don't really care about what the job is supposed to be. That pattern results in the stupidity we're so tired of.


Where idealism is shamed, improvements are difficult to manifest.


Short Answer: Poop, poop, poopy, poop bums. Bums bums bums. Poop.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Question: What's in store for us in 2014?

Seems to me like a sports year. Winter Olympics and World Cup. As for other stuff, I think it might be a boring one. The world isn't supposed to end this year, and there's no presidential election. I'm sure there will be a shitload of storms and tragedies, but no fun looking forward to that. Maybe this is the year that many more old greedy bigots will die, making the world a better place, but that happens every year, and it's no fun looking forward to people's deaths.


New color of cotton candy, maybe?


Short Answer: I'm trying to live in the present, question. Geez. (Apparently, 2014 will be a more belligerent year for AskKeithAnything.)

Monday, January 6, 2014

Question: How do I refine ignorance?

We live in a world where large(r than you'd expect) percentages of people believe the following:

Bible stories are real.
The president was in on 911.
The new president is from Kenya/is a Muslim/is the anti-Christ.
We didn't land on the moon.
Evolution isn't real.
More guns is the solution to gun violence.
The end of the world is upon us.
Ninety-nine percent of the world's scientists are wrong about climate change.
Everything in the Da Vinci Code.
Crop circles can't be made by man.
Floating balls of light are dead people.
It takes skill to play Monopoly.
That saying words you heard is the equivalent of an opinion.

If we refine it any further, we might as well sweeten our coffee with it.

Short Answer: This was an ad for stevia.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Question: How can one know when a politician is being sincere?

When he's dead.

Short Answer: You can never know. They learn how to sound sincere all the time; it's the number one thing you have to learn to be a politician. They talk passionately about subjects they may not in fact be passionate about, and that's lying plain and simple. The fact that we reward the best liars is ridiculous.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Question: Did you touch the thermostat?

I'll do what I want! I'm a man! I'm a man wearing underwear that I chose for myself, and I can feel the stitching against my lazy man-dong, and I will do what I want! If you're not here, in this house, I will waddle over, scratching at my aggravated penis any time I want, and touch the damned furnace-stat. You got me? You hear me? You hear this sound? This is me wailing at you! This is the sound of a wailing man!

You have the bedside manner of a visiting axe murderer.

From now on, just assume that I did. That I touched it. I touched it all up. I got up there, with whisky breath and bad intentions and spun that sum-bitch one way, and then I spun that sum-bitch the other way. I played 'where's it gonna stop?' on that fucker. I put my ear against the wall, and twisted it back and forth, pretending I was cracking a safe. I pounced at it, and nurpled it like it was the titty of my robotic little brother who'd foul-mouthed me in binary code.

I'm a man!

Short Answer: I'm the one who keeps opening and closing the fridge, too. I am trying to heat the neighbor hood and I was born in a barn!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Question: What will your first top ten list of 2014 be about?

Well, this is awkward. I've already created my first Top Ten list of 2014, and I did it on January 1st. It was about getting laid.

So now I have to figure out how to answer this question, because I'm forced by giant spiders to answer every single question that gets asked of me on this blog.

My first Top Ten list of 2014 will be/was about getting laid.

There.

Answering this question out of order just to make it the first question of 2014 would have been a terrible decision on my part. The question in the queue before it - two before it, in fact - was 'What are the top ten things to do in 2014 that will help me get laid?' So the answer to the current question would have been simply stating the previous question. (What will your first top ten list of 2014 be? It will be about things that will help get people laid. Short Answer: I'll do it tomorrow.) It's not like I could've done the list then, and then not did the list when the actual question came up.

The thing is, I try not to look ahead in the queue, because I want to answer as fresh as possible. In this case, as you may have guessed, I didn't look ahead. Had I, I could've made up a list to answer this top ten list question first, then the getting laid answer wouldn't have been the first list of the year. I guess that was the solution, but also total cheats.

I'm starting to think this question is a bit of a face poo.

Short Answer: This answer sure is. The mechanics of entertainment are dumb.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Question: How do you feel now that the Holidays are finally over?

Top Ten Things I Thought Were Great a Week Ago and Now I'm Super Tired Of

10) Food
9) People

Never mind. That's the whole list. By the time the year's done, I'm exhausted. Today was the first day for me to wake up and start the New Year with a bang. Instead, I slept in, took a smelly pee and went back to bed. I might need some time to recover from all the concentrated Holiday joy. I know my bowels would like a break, that's for sure.

Short Answer: I shouldn't have eaten all that everything.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Question: What are the top ten things to do in 2014 that will help get me laid?

Top Ten Things To Help You Get Laid in 2014

10) A nicely greased eyebrow.
9) Instead of a handkerchief, have a hundred dollar bill sticking out of your pocket. And blow your nose with it.
8) Try to smell like gumbo.
7) Wash in front of your ears as well as behind.
6) Try to masturbate so often than when around women, you're so drained it seems like you don't care. Then try not to blow a dust load when you finally score.
5) No pants, t-shirt. We're bringing it back.
4) I wouldn't use a plug-in straightener, but there are other more methodical ways to straighten your pubic thatch. Girls dig when it looks like they're about to get nailed by something that was recently electrocuted.
3) Talk about how much hope you had for Obama, then shake your head in mild disappointment.
2) Say big words, like egregious and melancholic, while making it rain dollar, dollar bills.
1) Buy a new suit, one with some pizza. (I was trying to write pizazz here, then I figured, no, a pizza suit would probably get you laid even more.)

Short Answer: Have fun storming the poon castle!