Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Question: What'd I miss?

Think I'll perform a little interpretation magic on this question to turn the answer into a recap of the last year. So it's going to be more like 'What'd I miss in 2014 while I was on Bleeblorp 7?'

What You Missed in 2014 While You Were On Bleeblorp 7

- U2 got in trouble for charity work again.
- Rich assholes still care about their bottom lines more than the environment.
- Ass became bigger. Like, bigger.
- Ferguson became more relevant than just being the name of my father's epileptic dog.
- The word aggressiveness continues to replace the word aggression for no reason.
- White people are allowed to kill black people still.
- Ebola scared the shit out of people. And the blood.
- Asian planes started disappearing Bermuda Triangle style.
- Putin likes press.
- Suddenly people cared that criminals play football. And facepunch.
- Women got pissed off with good reason. They 'leaned in', then scolded us for looking at their cleavage.
- More crimes against children in Africa. Western world watches reality TV, avoids reality.
- Superhero movies reached for perfection.
- Some people dropped some albums. Few noticed.
- Freedom of speech got a jolt in the arm.
- When Asian countries weren't losing planes, they were playing at being Hollywood executives.
- Hacking became political.
- Naked celebrities got naked.
- Hong Kong + umbrellas = massive peaceful protest.
- Terror group name changes.
- Turned out, people always liked weed.
- Gay people get introduced to proper human rights thanks to support from the newest generation.
- Best World Cup ever!
- People thought dumping ice water on themselves was the same as charity. Also, couldn't figure out that cold water isn't ice water.
- Nothing overtly Russian occurred at the winter Olympics.
- Comet got landed on. Bitch!

Short Answer: All in all, a good year. Here's a bit of advice. If the media is using fear in any way to sell a story, you shouldn't be afraid. Happy New Year, everyone! Remember, the world isn't nearly as bad or fucked up as it seems on TV. And if you disagree, then do the research and send shitloads of money to charities that really help people. In fact, do that anyway.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Question: Are you enjoying the World Juniors this year? What do you think of Canada's chances?

I always enjoy the World Juniors. It's my second favorite tournament, and favorite annual tournament. Suck it, March Madness.

I like Canada's chances this year because they seem to have done what our men's Olympic teams do, which is take all the most skilled players and figure it out from there. This incarnation of our Junior team is highly skilled and very fast, and there aren't as many role players or defensive specialists.

The Germans played us fairly tight in the second period and we made the Fins look better than they are, so there are still some concerns. Having all this skill leads to a specific and expected backlash, which is the development of bad habits due to things coming a little too easily. We've fallen prey to that for about five years straight, and I'm just crossing my fingers that the experience on this team leads these kids to stepping up in the crucial moments. That means simplifying, digging hard in the corners and playing smart, responsible defense. The defense in particular is a hard ask for younger players, especially when the going gets going.

Our goaltending is a question mark. Fucale hasn't impressed, and Comrie had a fairly easy game. It's strange having grown up with definitive and amazing goaltenders in the World Juniors to have sketchiness in the position. And as many have said before, it is the most important position on the ice.

Short Answer: We'll learn a lot from the American game on New Year's Eve. I'm hopeful, but not convinced. If Max Domi has anything to say about it - and he will - it could very well be our year. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

Question: How would you improve the fast food experience?


But not necessarily for any typical reasons. Imagine a fast food restaurant, full of the hustle and bustle that normally accompanies said venue, whilst intermittently someone howls at the very peak of their lungs because they've once again splashed oil on their cootchie.

Also, pick-up windows would be a lot better if you got a face full of 'lean-over-boobs' when you were given your bag of treats. And that thing where you're sitting at a table and someone starts washing the floor around you wouldn't be so annoying if you could see the color of their scrotum.

I saw a video once and it was of a Japanese nakey model named Rio Hamasaki. Actually, she might even be a pornstar. In the video, she's naked and taking orders at the front of a fast food joint. It sounds mundane, but the combination of her huge boobs and the two Robert Palmer-style back-up naked people behind her doing the cooking made for a terrific experience, and has proven to me without a doubt that nudity belongs/goes everywhere, just like special sauce.

Short Answer: I guess instead you could make the food better. If you hate progress.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Question: Have you ever felt less like answering a question?

It's funny that I feel this way. I think it was only yesterday that I talked about the fact that I never get tired of questions.

Well, irony is a dick. And it's possible for anyone to get tired of anything at any time. It just takes the right twist of the knife, the right series of circumstances, and things can become difficult.

I'm a funny guy, and it takes a lot to keep me from making jokes. I'm an ass about it. I think almost every situation ever presented to me is an opportunity for humour. From the most obvious forum to the far past the line of inappropriate situation, I'm there, trying to make everybody laugh.

I only have a short time in which to accomplish this task today, and in the spirit of honesty - something I'm embracing more and more on blog - I've decided to tell the truth. Rather than put this task off until I'm in a more humorous mood, I'll do as always and get through this as quickly as possible and off the top of my head.

So. I had no questions waiting for me today. I'm out. I asked this question of myself, and I've answered it exactly how I'd answer humorously. By putting down the words as they come to me. I think it's okay. You can't be funny all the time, and trying to entertain with any consistency has its own particular backlash.

And it matters; to be honest, to be vulnerable to criticism, to expose yourself as a human who fails at things. If you're disappointed in this answer, maybe that's okay. Maybe you should be. If you think nothing of it and give me another chance, good. No guarantee I'll be funny tomorrow either, though.

Short Answer: Chances are good I'll be funny tomorrow.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Question: Aren't you tired of questions?


I'm a bit of a know-it-all. You might have noticed. See what I did there? Priceless.

When someone asks you a question, it's basically like they've given you a hot mic, made the crowd be quiet and directed a spotlight on your ravaging smile.

This makes some people shrivel in their panties. I, on the other hand, am prone to puff up like a re-hydrated dried fruit. And my panties fill with a rather impressive attention boner. Sometimes it even shifts my balls a bit.

So no, I'm not tired of questions. Unless it's a serious question and I answer it thoroughly, but the asker of said question doesn't agree with my opinion (i.e. is too stupid to understand it) and so asks the same question again in a slightly different way. I have no desire to reword my statement, ya doofus.

But no, things are going well. It would be different if I had to have stunning, mind-blowing questions. The fuel for this blog really has nothing to do with the quality of the question. It's how I feel about the question at the moment I first read it. In fact, some of my worst answers come from people trying to ask funny or entertaining questions. I don't know how to play second fiddle to my own premise.

Sometimes people are disappointed in the answer I give because they'd envisioned another answer. Here's a little advice for those people. Write the question down and answer it yourself. You come to me for something different, because I'm a different person than you are. If you just want to hear your own opinion, say it in the mirror. That's known as opinion fluffing from now on.

In conclusion, leave the funny to the professionals. And if you can't afford one of those, I'm here. And I spent two semesters abroad at the International Cabin of Clown Colleges and my marks were subpar to acceptable.

Short Answer: It's ridiculous I know, but they didn't think it was funny when I'd wear the big red shoes on the wrong feet. Or, to be fair, when I'd steal a kid's nose and then only return it after eating it and pooping it out. One time I stole a clown's nose this way, and I palmed a brown nose, and I ate the red nose get the idea.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Question: What does your holiday look like?

It looks like me eating until I need to lie down, then getting up and eating until I need to lie down again.

Short Answer: My whole body hurts.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Question: The fact that you don't take a day off makes me feel bad about myself.

Merry Christmas!

Short Answer: If it makes you feel any better, I've been doing this every day for so long that it has become habit. So it takes absolutely no discipline. It's more like an itch that requires scratching. Anyone can scratch an itch. Unless you have no hands. But then how did you ask this question? You probably have hands. I'm done, now. Have a great day everybody!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Question: Happy Christmas Eve, Ask Keith Anything!

Thanks, pal.

In honor of Christmas, here's a special Top Fifteen of my favorite previous Christmas posts. Hope you enjoy!

15) Question: Why aren't we allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore?
14) Question: What kind of foods do you like to eat over the Holidays?
13) Question: Can you rewrite the twelve days of Christmas song for a modern audience?
12) Question: What are your top ten best Christmas-related foods?
11) Question: The holidays are quickly approaching. What do you think of people dropping Christmas for political correctness?
10) Question: What is the perfect christmas gift for these three people: Stephen King, Jesus, Freddie Kruger? Why?
9) Question: More Christmas!
8) Question: Figgy pudding or Christmas cake?
7) Question: Underrated Christmas ornaments?
6) Question: Why do we put a star on top of our Christmas Tree?
5) Question: What REALLY happened on the journey of the three Magi?
4) Question: What are some of your favorite scenes from Christmas Specials/Movies?
3) Question: What are your favorite Christmas carols?
2) Question: Don't think you've ever done best Christmas movies? Have you?
1) Question: Merry Christmas Keith! Can you write a poem with the last line being "on top of the artichoke jar"? Thank you, happy holidays.

Short Answer: Here's a longer one about the Christianity in Christmas thing: Question: Does the celebration of Christmas amongst secularists promote mindless conformity or the celebration of humanity?   And one more for good measure: Question: How would you sabotage Santa's operation?

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Question: Where are all the Christmas themed posts?

Errr, perhaps you don't quite get how this works. I'm thinking you probably didn't even expect me to answer this question on blog. But I am. Because that is how it works.

I can't make people ask me about Christmas. Well, I suppose I could. A little step-neck can get you anywhere, but I don't want to be hurting people during the holidays. So let's assume violence is out of the picture, and assume that I'm too lazy for more involving coercive methods.

I answers what I gets asked.

Maybe people don't need to read about Christmas. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.

Trim up the tree with weezle fluz, and flogger doops and geezle guzz!

Short Answer: Merry Christmas, Dr. Seuss.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Question: I want to laugh. You are funny. Let's make this happen!

Well now I'm fuckin' boned.

You can't tell someone they're funny and then expect them to be funny. That's like telling a room full of people that someone has a monstrous dick. Then, when the guy pulls down his pants, if it's not like the forearm of a steroid user, everyone is going to be disappointed.

There should be some sort of scientific formula to describe this. If a person is told they're about to experience something funny, it floods the brain with 'you don't know me' chemicals, and turns off the fun receptors. I guess that's pretty scientific. You're welcome.

Does a ghost keep touching my friggin' glasses? Jesus!

Okay, I'm back. My glasses keep getting smudged.

I don't remember what I was saying. Oh yea. Floppy bum salad!

See what I did there? I distracted your brain, giving you the opportunity to laugh at some floppy bum salad.

Though there really is something wrong with my glasses. It's like the ghost of a CSI is trying to get fingerprints off my lenses. There wasn't even a crime on my face, ghost!

Oh very funny. He just said, 'The crime is your face.' I should never have moved into a house with so many hilarious murders.

Short Answer: I think that went okay. I should have some sort of message on here that says you have to spend ten minutes of 'warm-up' time on the internet before coming to my blog. Nothing tougher than a cold crowd.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Question: What did you think of the Hobbit?

Overall, I liked the series. It was nice - at least at first - to go back to Peter Jackson's wonderfully engaging world.

But if you're talking specifically about the Battle of the Five Armies, I was somewhat disappointed. Let me illustrate in the words of my wife:

"It was overly dramatic and overwrought."

Or something like that. I hardly listen. I did find that the final Hobbit movie was the worst of our entire adventure in Middle Earth. But without a second viewing, I'm not sure I could put my finger on exactly why.

I didn't care about the newly introduced material. I don't care if an elf loves, shags or murders a dwarf. I don't care about a forced setup for Sauron, the payoff of which was terribly underwhelming. And there were a few other problems. Thorin losing his shit then just basically deciding to stop losing his shit, as opposed to taking someone's fucking advice. The dwarves somehow swinging the tide of war even though there's only nine or ten of them.

I actually had a lot of issues with the 'cool stuff'. Like, in the other movies, the cool stuff would be, you know, cool. In this...the elves leaping over the dwarves? Way to negate their formation. Just shoot a bunch of fucking arrows into the onrushing orcs if you want to participate. You're elves for fuck sake!

Whatever. I could nitpick. I won't. I liked the singular fights toward the end, even if Legolas had to steer a fucking cave troll to get to them. (Boo.) The end felt too small and I didn't feel any of the emotion or depth that I had for the LOTR trilogy.

Fuck that frame rate shit, by the way. I don't want to see the way the human eye sees. I want to see a fucking movie. Looked like a goddamn British mini-series. And I don't know about you folks, but to me the excessive CGI is even more blatant in the higher frame rate. By the end, I got pretty tired of seeing a hundred dwarves or elves in a row, all with the same face, all programmed to move as one and make me thing I wasn't watching a damn movie anymore.

Okay, I'm done.

Short Answer: I'm more of a Silmarillion guy anyway.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Question: What does Sir Lancelot like on his toast?

Covet butter?
Adulterer jam?
Margarinal ethics?
Marmalade with someone else's wife?
Beans, like Guinevere's, which he flicked?
Ham and cheese and lack of honor?

C'mon, Lancelot! What the fuck were you thinking? It's all played off as acceptable, a love triangle. Bullshit! Lancelot horned in on Arthur's missus and there's no two ways about it. You think she would've strayed otherwise? Hells no! Arthur was the man! You had to come along with your dashing good looks and your shorter balls and your fighting prowess and your horse-clenching thighs and your...

Never mind. I get it.

Short Answer: What else goes on toast? I had a hard time even coming up with a few. I think toast is dumb. Toast is just the outside parts of a good sandwich.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Question: Nog?

Megnog - nog for when you're watching Family Guy
Segwaynog - nog that helps you get from one premise to another
Begnog - nog for homeless people
Ednog - nog for horses that talk
Bednogs and Broomsticksnog - Angela Lansbury's Own Eggnog
Smegnog - nog made from the gack around your wiener
Cognog - nog with cognac, also unpronounceable
Wizard of Nog - nog with green food coloring. See also: Green Nog and Ham Nog
Pegnog - nog with rum. For pirates
Velvet Nog - nog that helps you sing better
London Nog - thick ass nog
The Noggit - nog you drink while being disappointed by a movie franchise
Bad nog! or Who's a good nog? - nog that smells like wet fur
Flognog - nog when you've already had too much nog
Kegnog - nog that to drink you have to stand on your head until your shirt slides down and exposes your sportsbra
Nogle - what happens when a woman walks by in noga pants.
Legnog - nog that drips down your leg

Short Answer: Yea, nog.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Question: What was the best invention of all time?

That's the answer to the March 30, 2011 question: What is the best thing since sliced bread?

I think it holds up. It may be my earlier work, but it's still solid. Well, I guess my earlier work is the first time I jerked off. It was outside in a park by accident. I kid you not. I'm a grower, not a shower, and there was about to be a nudity situation, so I tried to 'work some size' into my unimpressive limp wang. I 'worked too hard' and 'creamed the shrubbery'.

Hmmm. That story didn't have much to do with the question. Or a joke about my early work. Though I did use the word work a lot in the paragraph.

I think we'll let it slide.

Short Answer: My penis is like the Hulk. Mild-mannered, intelligent, underwhelming. Then...bigger.

Note: Maybe masturbation is the best invention of all time. Full circle, baby.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Question: Assuming reincarnation is fact... who would you like to believe you were in a previous life?

There's no doubt in my mind that in a previous life I was a very attractive female prostitute.

I get itchy easily.
I love the cock.
I thing frilly things are nice.
I'm unnecessarily flexible in the taint-al region.
I have nightmares about people not paying me for things.
I enjoy imagining how a dress will look on me.
I overeat (to compensate for a former life of only ball lunches).
I constantly think I have syphilis.
I enjoy shopping for brassieres.
My penis is a bit of an inny.
I want to be naked a lot.
I like to smell pretty.

Short Answer: Not only was I a sexy woman in my past life, I think I'm going to be a sexy woman in my next life. I'm constantly jealous of beautiful women and think it only fair that I'll get to be one. Wasn't much of a joke in this short answer...wonder if I'm telling the truth?

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Question: What do you think of the commercial aspects of Christmas?

I like the Coke polar bears.

Oh, right. Commercial. I get it.

I like giving presents and I like receiving presents. I don't know that anyone likes the stress associated with shopping, though.

My family always spent a lot of money on Christmas, so that was bound to carry over to me. My mom would do an excellent job each and ever year getting me what I wanted, and surprising me with at least one thing that I didn't think they could afford.

The backlash is that I want to be a great present giver. And I'm not. I want people to be full of joy when they open my presents, but I'm not good at figuring out what those presents need to be. Sometimes I do okay, and other times I get totally mangled by the stress of figuring out what to buy and how much to spend and what's fair between siblings and all that white Christmas noise.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that the holiday would be a lot less stressful for me if I didn't have to buy any presents. But then people wouldn't get presents, and that sucks balls. Each year I try harder and harder to not let the stress bother me. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe not.

Giving shit to people may be stressful, but the payoff is pretty fucking good. Bit like a drug, maybe. You pay the price, but then you get to fly.

Short Answer: Listen up, kiddies. Neither buying presents nor drugs actually make you fly. Get down from there.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Question: What do you think of Bronies?

I don't know all that much about this. Some dudes like My Little Pony a lot. Like, a lot.

I have a problem with extremism of fanaticism or fundamentalism in any of its putrid guises. If you love something so much that your whole personality revolves around it, you're probably on a slippery slope to loneliness, dandruff and ax-murdering.

What bothers me about the brony thing is that I'm the kind of guy who likes to be honest about the stupid shit he likes. But I can't say I like the care bears, because people will either a) think I'm like a brony or b) think I'm trying to be cool like one. That really takes the funshine out of it.

Just for the record, I haven't seen the movie about this. But I doubt all the people are well-adjusted young men. I've seen people who are super into stuff. They're terrifying. I don't see how the fact that the thing they're obsessed with is a little girl's toy could make it any less so.

Short Answer: Whatever makes you happy. Just, maybe don't keep your ax too sharp, pal.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Question: How do you like it the Christmas?

Foreign language question?

Me like it the Christmas good times, yea. Me like it up and all over when it is at. Happy times for Christmas all and presents me and them.

Now in case it was just a typo:

I fucking love Christmas. I like it the way a man who just got out of prison likes the first prostitute he comes across. I like it the way a fat kid likes a fistful of mac and cheese. I like it the way nuclear disarmament likes Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. I like it the way Iron Man likes central air in his armor. I like it the way globes like to think they're relevant.

Then don't be brown sometimes, globes!

Short Answer: I only know one other person who likes Christmas as much as I do, and they are 1/16th reindeer.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Question: Where will you be and what will you be doing 5 years from now?

I don't know where I'll be. That's pretty specific. I could be in a bathroom, wondering why that one eyebrow hair always grows faster than the others. Then location won't be all that relevant anyway, now, will it asshole?

What will I be doing? Hopefully kicking the balls. Hopefully dropping panties. Don't see why that would change.

If you're trying to inquire about my aspirations, to get me to wax hypothetical in terms of where I see myself, it's not really my style. Or maybe to put it more simply, I'm not very good at it.

For example, I can see myself sitting on a throne made of the gold-plated bones of my enemies. (I plated them in gold. My enemies don't have gold-plated bones. It's not some Rockefeller Weapon-X jobby going on.)

But I can also see myself in a loony bin, wondering why the windows are made of hard air.

I'd like to be happy. I'd like to be in a place that isn't covered in spiders or lava. And I'd like my wife to be there with very little shirts on. Beyond that...gravy.

Short Answer: I'd like a talking dog, please.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Question: How's that ding-a-ling?

I hope I don't get in trouble for assuming this question is about my penis.


Pretty good. It's been a rough time for the little guy ever since the internet started spewing out celebrity nudes like coins from a slot machine jackpot. I've had to employ some new lotions and creative grips to avoid too much chafing.

Here are my latest creations, grip wise.

The lobster claw.
The half-eaten lobster claw.
The backwards wine pour.
Reverse cow thumb.
The stationary Bishop.
The up-skirt.
Strangers on a train.
Here's the church, here's the steeple...ejaculate.
Two for the road, one bird in the bush.
The heil penis.
The shake, shake it off.
Fries with that.
The unique New York.
Who's on second? The middle finger.
Lofty balls.
The scent maker.

You get the picture. Luckily, the penis doesn't have a bone, so you can't wear it down to the bone.

Short Answer: I sure hope this question wasn't about something else.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Question: Should BC legalize weed?

Yes. Tax revenue = more/better social programs.

Downside? You don't have to go talk to Filthy Manny to get your drugs. Or pretend you have insomnia at a dispensary. Like they give a shit. It's practically legal anyway.

Short Answer: Let's do this thing. My local rec center is a piece of shit. Daddy needs a swimming pool paid for by ganj.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Question: What did you remember on remembrance day?

That was a month ago. I don't remember.

Seriously, this question just came in this morning. This wasn't tucked behind my new socks in the top drawer with my old socks so I only dug it out because I needed my dress socks for a special occasion. This morning.

I have no clue what I did, thought, ate, pooped or peed on Novembrance day. (I'm assuming I pooped poop and peed pee but you never can be sure.)

Last night I had a dream where there was a new trade out called Batman and Robin Peeking Through Windows. What the hell is that all about?

Short Answer: I know In Flanders Fields by heart, so I can do whatever I want on that day.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Question: Member those googly things where you went to google and looked up funny stuff? Can you do that again?

If I had a million dollars...#2...I'd buy a damn brewery.
Sasquatches smell like...#1...sasquatch's nuts.
Ask me where...#4...the ballers at.
Indubitably my...#1...canine friend.
If your thumb is...#2...not a finger what is it?
Three blind mice and...#4...farmer's wife costume.
Global warming is...#4...real. #1...fake.
Scientology has...#3...a navy.
White cop...#1...kills black kid.
Black cop...#1...shoots white man.
Asian game.
Jewish cop...#2...jokes.
Ebola is...#1...airborne.
Ebola is not...#2...airborne.
If a football player punches...#2...woman.
If a woman is...#1...on top.
A woman's place the home. the house and the senate.
Equality is...#1...a false god.
Racism is...#1...alive and well.
Prejudice cannot...#2...survive proximity.
Clowns have...#4...afros. #3...feelings. #2...never laughed before. #1...murderous ways.
Canadians are...#1...weird.
Canada is...#1...the best.
Love will...#2...keep us alive. #1...tear us apart.
Is it a...#3...good idea to microwave this?
If hockey...#2...players were bald.
If football...#2...players were atheist.
How many times...#1...a day should I poop?

Short Answer: That's enough...#1...internet for today. #2...out of you!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Question: What are some good ways to change the minds of those who deny Climate Change?

This isn't funny. It makes me angry. I shouldn't have to come up with a bunch of jokes about this. Because the evidence is absolutely overwhelming. The funniest thing would be to list all of the actual, proven ways that this is happening.

I'm not going to do that. We're so far past the point of someone having to do that.

Greedy fuckers are making it hard to have humanity.

Short Answer: Boob, farts, poop. Weeeeee!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Question: If you had to take a stab at it, what's the problem with the Edmonton Oilers?

Let's drop the fa├žade that I know everything for a moment. Because if I pretend to know the answer to this, they might just try to hire me. And I don't want to work for that organization.

The answer is I don't have a fucking clue. I mean, how many incredible draft picks does one team need to turn their shit around?

I thought David Perron was a really good signing for them last year, and now there are rumours that they're going to move him. Fuck that. They're going to have to move some of their core because obviously they're lacking something. Leadership, I guess, but I don't know what the fuck that even means. Maybe don't bring Andrew Ference in to be your captain? Captain 'give the fingers to the fans'? Not smart.

I sure as fuck didn't like them bringing Mactavish back. I don't know what his record is, but I don't equate him with much success since he's stopped being on the ice. It seems like they need to stop using alumni and get some people who know the game from a behind-the-scenes perspective. People who can add some veteran leadership and allow for the possibility of some chemistry, and a few habits to form like hard work and pride in your results.

What's weird is that it doesn't feel like they drafted poorly. Is it all just bad luck? That the guys they got, though talented, are not the right guys to lead a team into victory? Unless you're in the room, you can't know.

Short Answer: If I had the answer to this question, I'd be the only one, and I'd be getting paid a lot better. Maybe it is just bad luck. I thought Scrivens was going to work out after how good he was in LA. I thought finally moving Hemsky and Gagner were good ideas. Shit, maybe they need to get Chris Pronger back. That feels like the last time the Oilers had an identity.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Question: What are the top ten animals you would domesticate if you could?

That's the time I wrote about domesticating a yeti. I put that in as a bonus, because this next link:

is the time in 2011 that I first answered this exact question (without the top ten part). So instead of just posting that and trying to add to it, I figured I'd give you a little yeti on top.

Short Answer: Repeat questions are becoming an issue. I wonder at what point I'll have to just start pretending I've never answered them and go in fresh? Gross.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Question: Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange?


This has been rumoured for some time now. I remember seeing Cumberbatch on the red carpet at the American Fake Movie Awards or whatever they're called and the guy interviewing him tried to press this. Cumberbatch told him to 'check his facts' which I thought was amusing.

By the way, interviewing stars on the red carpet is the worst job in the world. There's literally no way to not end up not looking like a complete doucher. You ask a stupid question, don't understand the star's answer, compliment their outfit then sorta cut them off because you need to move on to Angelina Jolie. It's brutal.

Yea, Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Hard to deny this one. It's a great idea, a great casting. Cumberbatch is hot as white shit right now, so that's not gonna hurt the product. And Dr. Strange had to be someone different, someone interesting. We couldn't just have a lantern-jawed hero with sexy eyes and muscles. We needed someone with nuance.

I down.

Short Answer: 'Cumberbitches' as Benedict Cumberbatch's fan club is still hilarious to me. He said on a talk show once that they were going to change it. And I thought both 'slumberbatches' and 'cumbersluts' were equally good alternatives.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Question: I see that you've chosen the spyglass...?

I pictured a dude not asking a question, then pausing and asking the question with his face. Like he gets super intense and squeezes all his features together to imply a question mark.

Is there a table of spy implements? Or is it just a bunch of random stuff? Did I choose the spyglass because I wanted to magnify something?

Wait? What's a spy glass? I've been picturing a magnifying glass, but that's not right, is it? Is it like a teeny-tiny telescope?

There. Rather than answer your question I've asked you seven questions in return. Are any of mine any easier to answer? (8) Do my questions at least make some sense? (9)

I have no idea what to do with this. I'm not much for spying. Unless there's the possibility of seeing someone naked. Then I'm in.

Short Answer: Maybe I chose the spyglass because I knew you thought I would. Ah-ha! Is that right? (10)

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Question: They got all those people for Suicide Squad?

Suicide Squad is a DC superhero team, if you're not in the know. There's going to be a movie and there were all these casting rumors about who would be involved. Like many other people, I thought they were being rather ambitious, but it turns out, they got everyone.

So my response is, I know, right? Will Smith, Tom Hardy, Jared Leto plus up and comers Jai Courtney and Margot Robbie. And they're going after Oprah, but I'll believe that casting when I see it.

This feels like a blatant response to the success of Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, because the Suicide Squad are bad guys getting together to theoretically do good. Whether that means it will flop or not, I cannot say. I don't care what the reason is, so long as they're casting great talent, writing a great script, and treating the source material with the amount of respect necessary to make it fly on screen.

Jared Leto as the Joker is strange, not because of the casting, but because he's in the movie at all and he's not traditionally part of the Squad. Some think he's the really bad Bad in the movie, others think it's a tie in to some other Batman related thing. Batman and the Joker? What will they think of next?

Short Answer: Hard not to get excited. They're following the Marvel model of casting the shit out of it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Question: How many yoga poses are good for your testicles?

In some peripheral or perhaps holistic way, I supposed one could theorise that because yoga is good for your body, every yoga pose is therefore good for your testicles. Despite being on the outside, they're still part of the body, and interact with you in terms of heat exchange and blood flow.

Now as for what particular poses are good for the testicles, that's a harder question to answer. You see I've never done much yoga, and I don't know the names of the poses. But when I see pictures of yoga poses (or watch naked girls doing the yoga on internets) I automatically give them my own names, none of which are all that conducive to the concept that they're good on the old scrote.

Yoga poses I've named:

The Ball Tearer
The Balls On A Stretcher Stretch
The Ball Flattener
The Ball Squisher
The Ball Squisher 2: Squished By Your Own Thighs
The Ball Renderer
The Back Breaker Ball Popper Outer
All Balls On Deck
All Balls On Deck 2: Deck the Balls
The Ball Render
The Ball Squealer
Balls, Balls Everywhere, so Let's All Wear Tight Pants
One O'clock, Two O'clock, Three O'clock Balls
Fitting All Those Balls in a Suitcase for a Mouse
Move to the Side, Dong, It's Balls to the Front
Snap, Crackle, Hospital Balls

Short Answer: Zero.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Question: What kind of frying pan should I use?

For cooking an omelette? Non-stick.
For cooking paella? Cast iron.
For cooking stir-fry? Wok.
For emptying your bladder? Wok.
For hitting an intruder? Wok, as in the sound it makes when you hit him with a frying pan.
For listening to Aerosmith Rocks, the best Aerosmith cover band in the world? Wok This Way.
For hearing people do lousy impressions? Christopher Woken.
For Christmas carols? Wokking in a Winter Wonderland.
For getting home in the morning with ripped panties and penis breath? Wok of shame.
For making dinner for Fozzy Bear? Wokka, wokka, wokka.
For Hamburger Helper? A flat-bottomed frying pan with a lot of surface area and high sides, preferably with a lid.

Short Answer: If you're just frying baloney, you can use anything.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Question: If Sundays wore a mighty hat, what might it look like?

I guess the obvious answer is a beer dispensing fire hat that has a monkey's ass on the top and a duck bill.

But who wants obvious answers, am I right?

Short Answer: Get it? Good. I've got some nothing to do, so I gotta go.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Question: What are the tactical/strategic implications of a cross-guard on a lightsaber...that is made of tiny lightsabers?

I was totally expecting a question like this.

I haven't checked the interwebs, but I assume there's a huge split on this between people who think it's cool and people who think it's dumb.

Instead of representing all sides, I'll just get into my own feelings.

It feels a little gimmicky, like, we need some new shit. That I will admit. I wasn't super stoked when I saw it. But then, my brain kicked in, and I went, "Fuck yeah. Why the fuck wouldn't you have a hand guard?"

If you look back to the first fight, Obi-Wan and Darth Vader, the way they're feeling each other out is very much like a fight between two swords without hand guards. They're poking, prodding, reaching for binds (when you control another persons sword with angular moves and attacks) and all in all being slick. You could totally imagine that fight ending in one of them extending and searing off a finger, forcing the other guy to drop his sword.

This is in great contrast to the way the Jedis fight in the prequels, where they basically fight like they're wielding Japanese swords, which makes little to no sense. In addition, and on point, Japanese long swords have hand guards.

So when I saw this (hopefully Adam Driver) dark-dressed dude bust out a crucifix-lookin' lightsaber, I thought of it as a sword. Like the realization of a light sword that you'd actually put two hands on, and fight like you were using a more European-style long sword.

As for the question, sadly, I think there is a design flaw in what we've been shown. If the little lightsaber-y hand guards protrude from little ports as it appears, then they won't really work all that well. A lightsaber would cut through this metal protrustion, defeating their purpose. But if we suspend our disbelief a little, I think the sword might work with the character, and the hand guards might be symbolically cool based on how he fights and carries himself.

Strategically, I would've rather seen a tilted hand guard, either toward the hilt or toward the blade. I think the straight cross guard is more of a Christian thing, and has no place in the Star Wars universe. A guard that was tilted down would protect the hand, and a guard that was tilted up could catch other light sabres with more efficacy. Sadly, I think the whole thing is just an esthetic.

Short Answer: A slight downward tilt and the adjustment that the guard comes out of holes, not protruding ports, and we would've had something stunning.

Note: I know a fuck-ton about swords, but I tried to keep this simple. Hope no one was disappointed. It just didn't seem appropriate to nerd out about something when we're talking about Star Wars. Oh, wait...

Friday, November 28, 2014

Question: What would you like to see in the new Star Wars movie?

Maybe I should start with what I don't want to see.

Funky space rabbit.
Seventies Yoda.
Fish being eaten by ever larger fish, rather than characters overcoming challenges.
Light saber fighting with backflips and tumbling.
Trade federations from Mongolia.
Any version of Darth Vader without his helmet.
Scenes that weren't in the original.

What would I like to see?

Gold bikinis.
Han Solo.

What would I like to see that isn't obvious?

I'd like to see a good bad guy. Hasn't been one in some time. I think the Emperor might have been a Muppet in the last one.
I want to see Adam Driver being awesome, though I guess it's kinda obvious that we want actors who were cast in the movie to do well.
I'd like to see a good story, one that takes me into the world so that I don't have to keep comparing things I'm seeing to things I hate.
I want the Force to be awesome and mysterious again. I guess that's obvious, too. Unless you're a...medichlorian? I refuse to look up the actual word.
I want a lineage of rebellion, with strong political undertones, to fuel the actions of the main characters. And I want an oppressive, frightening empirical counterpoint.

Short Answer: That'll do for now. Nerf herders.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Question: What is your dream proposition?

I guess there are a few ways to take this.

My instinct is that you're asking what I would like to hear from someone who was propositioning me, as opposed to what piece of legislature I would like to see put up for vote.

I guess my dream proposition would be any sexual proposition, because having someone walk up to you and offer you money for sex is a fairly large affirmation of your sexual aura.

But if we were to get specific, I suppose any situation where someone asked me and my wife to participate in sex stuff with one to a bunch of other beautiful ladies, that would be cool. Even if it was just a bunch of ladies oohing and ahhing at my prowess as I boned away at my wife, that'd be pretty nice.

I feel like I'm not answering this question thoroughly enough. Like I'm just giving it the tip.

Let's get more specific.

I guess I would like for every girl I ever wanted to see naked to be naked in a room, and for me to be able to do horrible things to them, while my wife cheers me on like I'm finally achieving a lifelong goal. (It's important that she's in on the whole thing, or the guilt will keep me from achieving dynamic tension in my hole-rod.)

So if someone was like, "Hey man, that?" I'd be like, "Sure enough."

Short Answer: I'm too lazy to imagine my past well enough to ejaculate to it, so having visual representation of all those wonderful fulfilled or unfulfilled memories and desires would be helpful. I mean, who doesn't want to fuck the one that got away? Or pour maple syrup across the backside of that waitress from the diner with the big lips while the one that got away does jumping jacks in a crotchless clown outfit. Gotta go.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Question: What TV shows should we all be watching right now?

This question leads me toward shows that are currently airing, which is too bad, because I really wanted to talk about Hart to Hart. Whatever, blog.

Should is a strong word. I'm watching a lot of shows currently that are definitely not 'shoulds' yet. Shows need to take time to develop, and I'm just not sure about some of them.

First of all, you should probably be getting your fill of Craig Ferguson, David Letterman and Stephen Colbert before the big late night mix up happens. Secondably, you should be watching Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, but Bill Maher is on holiday until the new year. Does that count as a current show? I think it will, so I can talk of other shows that are on the air - as in un-cancelled - but aren't playing right at the moment.

Like fucking Game of Thrones! If you're not watching Game of Thrones, fuck you. Seriously. How are you not watching Game of Thrones? Everybody on the planet is talking about Game of Thrones. You should be talking about Game of Thrones, because you've begun to watch Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones.

Another one of these not on the air just at the moment shows is True Detective. It's brilliant and tasteful and ambitious and cozy and challenging and fun. Get on that.

Hannibal. Best network show I've seen in some time. I don't know if you should be watching the Blacklist, but if you're a James Spader fan then definitely. I think the show suffers slightly from 'monster a week gotta do 24 episodes' fever, but it's still pretty solid.

New Girl and Brooklyn 99 are your comedies. South Park of course, as well as Key and Peele and Tosh.0 for those who like a little stank on their commentary.

You should be watching Ray Donovan. And this new show called The Affair which is totally blowing my hair back right now. It's the story of a marital affair told from the points of view of both participants. Each episode is split into two half-hours and the segments cover the same time frame, so you get to see how the dude remembers it, and how the lady remembers it. There's also an overlying murder mystery to keep the sauce hot.

Add to this any current Netflix or HBO shows that are in the off-season and you've got a pretty solid list. Looking at you, House of Cards.

Short Answer: I should be watching English Premier League Review, which used to be my very favorite TV show, then they stopped airing it here. It seems like all soccer coverage has evaporated from sports networks in Canada. I like hockey as much as the next massive hip-checker, but do we have to have only hockey?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Question: Can you help solve cold fusion?

The butler did it.

Anyone who is this much of a dick is never going to help the world in any significant manner.

Short Answer: Point made?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Question: What are your top ten night club rejection lines?

10) I'd rather buy food on eBay.
9) No thanks. My pussy is much too clean for you.
8) I'm here with a friend. A friend who likes to murder assholes.
7) I already have a drink. But can I buy you some balls?
6) I'd rather eat a hair sandwich.
5) I did just fall from heaven. I've got bad news for you.
4) Thanks. You look good too, for a stroke victim.
3) I'm sorry, what kind of thing are you?
2) Maybe when I've gotten fat from popping out a couple of kids.
1) I'd rather get anal from a prop comic.

Short Answer: Fuck off is pretty solid.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Question: I don't suppose you'd like to make love to me?


Making love. Is that that thing where you look into someone's eyes while you're knuckle-diving? Where you snuggle while searching for crevice gravy?
That thing where you pretend not to be disgusted when you're giving the old three-pronged attack?
Where you smile rather than grunt while you're applying constant pressure to the wound?

Doesn't sound like my bag of tea.

Short Answer: Because if you didn't like the tea, you wouldn't bother to make it into liquid form and put it into a cup. You'd state your preference about the tea at the bag stage.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Question: Why are you so mean to our mothers?

Your mothers don't see it that way. They like it when I'm eating cold cuts off their greasy chests.

It's not my fault that your dads don't know where the dipstick goes, or how far it needs to go to really check how low your mother's oil is. The answer is far and super low.

An undersexed woman can be a very appreciative lover. Who am I to pass up that opportunity just because she let slip your fat head one day a million years ago? You think your head is so big and full of thoughts and ideas that you've ruined her front-dumper forever? You think she still doesn't like being spread wide like a deep sea oil spill?

I seem to have oil on the brain today. You know why? Because when I finish with your mothers, they look like ducks who've been covered in oil spill filth. When I'm done, the hippies show up in your parents' bedrooms with crates of Dawn dish liquid.

That got a little dark. Like that time your mother went on vacation to Jamaica and your dad got sunstroke on the first day and so she went out and 'got a little dark' if you know what I'm saying.

What you should really be concerned about when I'm having sex to your mothers is not the act itself. It's what I'm thinking about. That's right. I'm thinking about you!

Short Answer: Let me clear something up. You mom likes it when I do sex inside her. It's no big deal. It's just that, well, I'm kinda your new dad. But you come to me for advice anyway, so what's the problem?

Friday, November 21, 2014

Question: Z: Zionist foreskin, rarest foreskin of them all?

Today I right a wrong.

I was going back through the comments on blog today, and found this question. It was posted in April of last year. I've been through the comments since then, and have no idea how I missed this question. But somehow, I did.

I kid you not when I say that I have answered every single question ever asked of me on askkeithanything. So this is as inexcusable as a dry-sounding fart with a wet-ended surprise. This question went unnoticed. Either that or I answered it and can't remember. But I've found no trace of an answer, so whatever the crime, the punishment is the same. I must now answer this question, this year-and-a-half-old question, and hope that the asker will forgive me my sin.


Short Answer: I feel a lot better.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Question: Why does soft core porn exist?

This reminds me a little of a question I've been forced to ponder my entire life.

People love coffee. They can't get enough of that shit. They make terrible jokes about how they can't do anything else in the morning (even though an apple or a glass of water is just as, if not more, effective at waking you up), they make t-shirts and mugs about it, and in general make their lives, personalities and identities entirely about how much they want the black stuff. (Insert some sort of 'that's what she said' joke here if you must.)

I also love coffee, but I can't have caffeine. Yet I'm not allowed in the I Love Coffee tribe, because for some reason, the love of coffee is inextricably linked with the idea that a person can't function without a stimulant. So even though I actually like the taste of coffee, and that is in fact the number one area of enjoyment for me, I'm faced with this question: Why does decaf even exist?

I feel that I'm uniquely qualified to now spin this mini conversation about the hot black, business back into the realm of fuckery. Because I don't watch much hard-core porn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a human. And humans get a kick out of seeing two people make pelvic sandwiches; I'm not immune. But I prefer classier shtick.

To clarify, I don't prefer soft-core over hard-core, I actually prefer no sex to any simulated sex. And yes, even hard-core pornography is simulated sex. Bitches don't say yea that much, and dudes aren't that hideous. And in regular sex, there isn't that much spitting, slapping or stank-face. But because I'm not dying to witness penetration, I can see the value of soft-core. It's like a moving picture of a beautiful woman, who happens to be in the throes of some sort of romantic entanglement. I like that. Plus, you're guaranteed some boobs, and boobs last time I checked are still boobs.

Sadly, soft-core exists to fill a stupid little area where penetration isn't allowed. (Like your wife's bumhole.) And that's why it angers people. They go, "Aargh, why can't I see the penis go in the vagina?" Well, friend, let me remind you, eighty percent of the internet is just a click away. So maybe don't blow a gasket over skinemax.

Short Answer: One thing that is not okay is the simulated blowjob. Who in their right mind wants to see a dude making that face while you look at the back of a woman's head move around weird? Soft-core intercourse can still be hot. Soft-core BJs are like watching someone eat a stale churro out of an angry janitor's pants during the late-night cleaning shift at Disneyland.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Question: Hack at a tree, tree goes womp, do you do you?



Operator: Hello. You've reached Internet 911. What is the nature of your emergency?
Me: Someone asked me a fucked up question.
Operator: And are you being forced to answer it? Perhaps by some elaborate setup or stupid premise?
Me: Yes. I have a blog where I answer people's questions.
Operator: Anything like AskKeithAnything?
Me: Yea, that's me.
Operator: Oh! I'm a big fan.
Me: Thanks.
Operator: Have you tried responding with some sort of cat video?
Me: Didn't work.
Operator: What about a GIF of a woman slowly pulling up her top to release large bouncy breasts?
Me: I guess I could, but I'm really supposed to use words.
Operator: What about an emoji? Something calming like a teddy bear in a bowler hat?
Me: All I've got is a toilet paper roll in a bad wig.
Operator: Okay, sir? Calm down. I want you to listen. Do not respond with a toilet paper roll emoji.
Me: Okay. I'm calm. I won't.
Operator: No bad wigs, sir.
Me: Yes, okay. I won't. What should I do?
Operator: Have you tried being a smarmy asshole, sir? That usually works for you.
Me: Hey! I thought you were a fan.
Operator: I'm trained to say things to keep you calm, sir. My son reads your blog. He likes poop jokes.
Me: Tell him thanks for reading.
Operator: Okay, sir? Here's what we're going to do. I want you to stay on the line.
Me: Oh, god. I think the internet is getting impatient...
Operator: Sir? Listen to me. Listen to my voice .You're going to stay on the line. We've got a bureaucratically generated response coming.
Me: Will that work?
Operator: Yes, sir. It's worded in a very boring fashion and has a typo per line ratio, and there are no blinking lights or graphics at all. Most people just move on to something else.
Me: Okay, okay. Send it.

Short Answer: Due to a problem with our ability too confirm this communication, the apparatus by which all manner of qeustions are answered will be unavailable for a short time. We do appreciate you business and apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Thank you for your interest in AskKeithAnything. Good day.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Question: Nuke the Fridge or Jump the Shark?

I guess this is really a question of generations.

For those not in the know, in the fifth season premier of the beloved TV show Happy Days, Fonzie straps on some water-skis and jumps over a shark. This was touted soon after as an attempt to keep the dying show afloat by introducing some craziness. The term 'jump the shark' grew to mean that a show had run out of ideas, and were now willing to try anything. Moving forward, the term has evolved to mean pretty much anything that's past its prime and now and forever in decline.

Nuke the fridge came along with the Indiana Jones movie a few years back. In Crystal Skull - or whatever the full title is - Harrison Ford and his hat get stuck on a nuclear test site in Nevada or something, and he gets inside a fridge, surviving the blast. This was so absurd - and coupled with the fact that most thought the movie a poo mess - that 'nuke the fridge' was born as a modern alternative to 'jump the shark'.

It's funny to think that whoever asked this question knows all of this, and I've just given him/her the most boring answer ever so far.

Now some claim that 'nuke the fridge' is supposed to specifically refer to movies, and even more specifically to sequels that get tacked on to a franchise that drag the original property into the muck. But I think the terms will soon be interchangeable, if they aren't already.

I'm personally a big fan of both idioms, if idioms they by. I don't use them often, but I'm often entertained by their usage when others usage them. (? - Got caught in a usage loop or something there.)

I think jump the shark is so awesome it will never die, and I would be delighted if they ended up specifically referring to their own medium as their evolutions proceed. It's good to have specific pop culture phrases for specific mediums. Specific. (?- Apparently I only know seven fucking words this morning.)

Short Answer: Specific Usage.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Question: Are you a sack half full kind of guy, or sack half empty?

Hey! I don't know what someone's been telling you, man, but my sack is all the way full. That's some bullshit, and it's not true. I do not have half a sack! Just because my testicles only add up in weight to what one male testicle on averages weighs, doesn't mean that I've fit my halfers into an oversized bag. My nutsack is not a big flappy old man neck! It is tight! It is unfairly small, and it is tight to my sheepish, miniscule nuts!


Short Answer: Sack completely full.

Note: Oh yea. The 'point' of the question. No, I'm a pretty positive dude. You can tell because I've come to terms with having baby nuts.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Question: It's time, it's's poetry time!!!

Wow. Thanks for being 'three exclamation points' excited about poetry.

A blade of grass cuts wide the sun
and beneath all creatures boil and run
and deeper still the knives go down
beneath the crust, the jagged crown
and in the soil of deepest drone
there rests a tired root alone
that once connected to a tree
than once felt love of family
and now it rots and rests until
a man turns up the earthen hill
and burns its body on the pyre
for sacrificial greying fire
and warms the hands
and dances eyes
and heals the man
and tames his cries

Short Answer: I don't know what to call this one...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Question: Wanna go for a walk with me?

This sounds like the title of a horror movie from the seventies. I'm guessing at some point during this walk I'll be attacked, and then I'll have to flee my attacker. I'll probably be injured and forced to limp, my mascara running, sobbing all the while. And when I knock on peoples' doors they'll peek out through their curtains briefly before turning off their lights as if they're not at home like Jehovah's Witnesses on Halloween when the kiddies come 'round.

Eventually there'll be a standoff and I'll somehow find the strength to defeat my attacker, maybe with something primitive like a stick to the head. Instead of making sure that my attacker is dead, I'll leave, thinking the whole ordeal is at an end. My attacker, of course, is not dead, and just as I'm crossing the parking lot to the well-lit diner, where I can see there are people eating pie, drinking coffee and living normal, not-being-attacked lives, he'll reappear, cutting me with a knife only peripherally rather than finishing me off.

Now I've had enough. I mount my attacker and bash his brains in with the nearest thing to hand, most likely a rock from the parking lot. I'll bellow and cry as I rain blows down upon my attacker until his head is pulp. The movie will end with the people from the diner coming out to see what the ruckus is. Too little, too late, society. I've already lost my humanity.

Short Answer: What time's good for you?

Friday, November 14, 2014

Question: Do you wanna...?

Smack a goiter? Yes.
Elevate the smell of farts to appropriate status at the dinner table? Yes.
Argue that dogs do laugh? Yes.
Make a wicker hammock? Yes.
Conjugate wordlers unnecessarily? Yes.
Make-up a bad joke about eye shadow? Yes.
Travel around the globe in a pantsuit? Yes.
Cry havoc and let slip a hamster of ill-temper? Yes.
Boondock a homeless man in the bojangles? Yes.
Carry a small stick and yell a lot? Yes.
Combine the Macarena and the Chicken Dance for an ultimate wedding experience? Yes.
Make a video game called Butt Ram? Yes.
Hold someone's hand while I poop? Yes.
Wear a cavalry sword and pretend I have horse legs? Yes.
Own a time machine that only goes ten seconds into the past? Yes.
Handle the dead? Yes.
Hire a German woman to count my calories as I eat them? Yes.
Answer a Yes or Yes question? Yes.
Have this post end on an odd number of jokes? Yes.

Short Answer: Think I'll go back in time. Ah. There we go. Now...think I'll go back in time. Just a moment and...yep. What to do? Think I'll go back in time. (You're right. There are too many paradoxes in this joke. Man, it's hard to make time travel funny. Unless of course I went back in time to hold my own hand while I pooped.)

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Question: Why do women get fat and men go ball?

I wanted to guess that the last word in this question was supposed to be 'bald' but then I thought, 'Wait a second, Keith. This person could mean that women get fat and unattractive, and then men go ball, as in, become ballers, out on the town, getting some less thick poon on their business end.

Even though I still think the possibility is slim, I'm going with that, so my whole answer isn't an explanation of male pattern baldness.

For the record, men who are willing to 'go ball' will 'go ball' whether women are fat or not. Some men even 'ball' for fat women on purpose. I know, right?

Whatever makes you happy. But if the woman in the scenario is your wife or long-term partner, not cool, man. If the woman you love gets fat, just get fat with her. Then your self-esteems will match and neither of you will feel you deserve better. It's uncool to stay healthy, get a new haircut, buy a tweed tie and go wrangle ass.

Anyway, women and men get fat for the same reason. Corndogs.

Men go bald for various reasons, including stress and genetics.

Men 'go ball' for one reason. Corndogs. Just, you know, a different kind. The king that means sex stuff.

Short Answer: The 'corndog' by the way is one of the filthier things you can do with your penis and a breaded sheath.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Question: Why is the weather forecast always wrong?

Okay. I looked at one study. One's all you need. Right?

It said that in Britain, over a five-day period, a particular weather forecast is right 30-40 percent of the time. This surprised me, 'cause I figured the reason we predict things is to look smart and right, not like a bunch of rip-roaring assholes.

I really did think that the weather forecast was most often correct. Wants the point otherwise? I could take a guess, though I think taking a guess only makes you right between 25-30 percent of the time. How is that possible? How many kinds of weather are there in these places?

I wish I could find some, 'Is it gonna rain or not' statistics, because I think those are probably the most important. I'd imagine that forecasters would be right at least three quarters of the time, and guessers like myself would be right about 50 percent of the time. This, however, is based on absolutely nothing.

It's probably one of those things that we as people demand. We get used to the idea of something, like being able to figure out what the weather's going to be like in a few days, and then we just accept its inaccuracies. Like horoscopes. When are those accurate? And yet if you took them out of the newspaper, people would be like "Fuck you!" and "What's a newspaper?"

Short Answer: I have a dirty little feeling that meteorology is considerably more accurate than people think, and that they have to take a lot of factors into account. I also assume that long distance forecasting is inaccurate compare to what's happening tomorrow. There's probably a threshold of accuracy, based on how far away the prediction is, and how much data they have to collect between now and then. They make predictions in advance because we want them to, not because they're accurate.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Question: Is that good enough for now? Lol

I don't think this question was meant to be answered, as it came in towards the end of a flood of questions, and yet it is a question that was sent to me, so by law - just like I have to tell you I'm in the neighborhood - I have to answer it.

Nothing's ever good enough for most people. LMAO

If people could just find joy in what they have, the world would be a better place. ROFL

Contentment is a direct line to happiness, as it allows you to appreciate life without effort. omnomnomnom

So appreciate what you have, rather than feeling sad about what you don't. Why U No Appreciate What You Have?

In conclusion, keyboard cat, fat kid taping himself while demonstrating mad bo staff skills, monkey smells his own butt and falls out of tree.

Short Answer:

                                 ____  ____
                         L   /--------/\---
                         O==\          []   \
                         L       \________)

Monday, November 10, 2014

Question: Why do they say that 19 yrs of age is legal when 16 is the age of consent?

That shit is different depending on where you are. The simple answer is that you're considered an adult for things at separate times for legal reasons. I can see why this may be baffling.

Luckily, and based on empirical science, we know that the part of your brain that wants fucking and the part that wants voting and the part that wants to buy alcohol are completely different. Scientists know exactly at what age all people are mature enough to do these specific things.

What? That's not true? It's completely arbitrary then?


Yea. All this shit is dumb. I'm pretty sure once a man becomes mustachioed he's a proper gentleman forever. And man is right there in the word gentleman.

Short Answer: This is some nonsense leftover from oldey times. You can't trust oldey times. They had some funny ideas. And they used cocaine for everything.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Question: Why do people go thru the fast lane at the supermarket when they have more than 20 items?

I have a counter question.

Who gives a shit?

People are way too uptight about shit like this. Why do people use the fast lane with too many items? They do it because they're idiots, and there's nothing you can do about that. Or they do it because they don't give a fuck, and there's nothing you can do about that.

One time I went to the fast lane and loaded all my shit onto the belt. I figured I had about the right amount of stuff to use it. No big deal, and I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

Then an older gentleman behind me made a disgusted noise, and said, "Why do people always abuse the rules?"

It took me a second to realize he was talking to me. Sadly, he didn't know he'd spoken up at the wrong time to the wrong person. I confronted him with a hard, confused glare, and he backed down with a bunch of mumbles. I wasn't satisfied. So I counted my items.

I had exactly twenty. No joke.

So I turned to him, righteous as god himself, and pointed this out. I thought I was just being a smarmy asshole, but the realization that he'd been wrong nearly destroyed the poor bugger. His next move was to claim that I should count my bunch of three bananas separately.

Having had enough of the man's total bullshit, I then forced him to go ahead of me. He tried to back away, but I refused to get checked out until he took his couple of items and went ahead. I made a pretty big production of it, and I'm guessing he'll be at least a tad more reticent to run his mouth next time.

Funny thing is, if he'd asked to go ahead of me because he was in a hurry - or for any reason - I would've gladly said yes.

Short Answer: Maybe the lesson here is that if you assume the worst in someone, and let it turn you into a douche, you might just get your shit ruined.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Question: Why does beer always taste good going down but not so great coming up?

When I was a young man, I went into the woods with my friends. We brought camping gear and two mickeys of boozeroo. If I recall correctly, one vodka, one rum. My uncle bought them for me. I didn't have a taste for it yet, so who was I to have an opinion?

Later that evening, whilst absolutely fucking hammered, we decided we should go buy beer. Though I had a tweener stashe going and my friend and I were both nearly six feet tall, it was pretty fucking obvious we were only thirteen and fourteen. Still, the corner store guy sold us the beer, because people want money, not other things. (Also, this was in Newfoundland, where drinking beer is the thing you do when...when always I think? So the guy probably thought, 'They aren't drinking beer right now. Who am I to stand in their way?' And he sold us the beer.)

Molson Special Dry.


Later that evening, while I was being awoken every hour on the hour with the urge to vomit, I vomited plenty of wonderful things. But all I could taste was Molson Special Dry.

To this day, despite my many efforts, most beer does not taste good, let alone 'always taste good'. Therefore, I can only really comment on the latter part of this question. It tastes bad coming up because you've been smoking and eating cheezies as well.

Short Answer: A friend of my dad's used to have this joke that he'd tell every time I saw him. It was something along the lines of, 'Feeling sick? Have a banana. It won't help, but it will taste better coming up.'

Friday, November 7, 2014

Question: Why do shit smell bad

Normally, when a question comes in without a question mark, but the question is obviously not supposed to be a statement, I'll add the question mark. Once in a while, if I think a question has a typo in it that was clearly unintentional, I'll edit it.

In this particular situation, I felt like neither was appropriate.

Why do shit smell bad indeed.

Bacteria is the answer. Living bacteria makes smell happen. Poop is riddled with sulfuric compounds as well as hydrogen sulfide, which combined makes for stinky.

But maybe, just maybe, your poop smells bad because of a lack of punctuation and grammar.

Short Answer: I went to do some research on why poop smells bad, and I got to read the word 'turd' an inordinate amount. Apparently, in the world of shit science, turd is a totally acceptable word. Not out here in the real world, shit scientists. You guys are the best!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Question: Is there anything that always, no matter what, makes you irascible?

Being written on a chalkboard?

How about not knowing a word?

Okay, anyway...the answer is sadly a simple one. And when I give it, you will think me a major dickhole with major dickhole tendencies.

Here it comes. Prepare to dislike me.

I know what people are saying when they start talking. I can usually tell what their whole sentence is going to be within the first few words. Therefore, I spend a lot of my life waiting impatiently for people to finish filling the air with words when I already know what they've said.

This is something I've grown accustomed to, so to say it makes me fell irascible no matter what is a bit of a leap. Here's the catch.

If what you're saying is dumb, and I already know how dumb it is, and I still have to listen?

Boom. Wiped right off the chalkboard irascible!

Short Answer: I don't like being misunderstood very much, but there's some hilarious irony in that, being a person who basically guesses what someone is going to say, therefore drastically upping the percentages of possible miscomprehension. Dickhole tendencies!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Question: Why haven't you come by to check out my new apartment yet?

I would love to answer this question like a total dick, pretending I don't know where it came from. But in this case I do know, so I'm going to be honest.

The reason I haven't been by to check out your new apartment yet is because you live downtown now. Not only do I fear downtown due to its traffic, lack of parking and humans, I fear that you've become one of those 'downtown' people, who walks to work, and drinks smoothies and gets mugged often enough that you have 'sock money' for lunch just in case.

I like those socks that are like ankle socks, so I don't want to embrace the concept of sock money. In truth, I'd rather not get mugged at all.

Downtown scares me. It's like everyone's a teenager, or an adult whose brain hasn't yet developed all the way for another reason. And that reason is probably drug use and criminal intent. When I get eyeballed by someone downtown, I often have a one nut suck up situation, where I lose half of my manhood back into my thorax. This doesn't feel good, especially if I'm then forced to run from a switchblade wielding maniac.

I remember going downtown during the Olympics, because of peace and brotherhood and all that. I saw three murders, a dog eating a rat and the attempted sexual assault of a garbage bin by a man dressed as some sort of tellytubby/predator hybrid. And that was just while I was waiting in line for some sort of Japanese hotdog that sounded like a vomited-up abortion.

I never did get that hotdog, because the line was so long that I pooped in my pants. If I'd been keeping sock money, it would have been totally ruined.

Short Answer: I guess I'll see it some time. Maybe you can buy a car and pick me up and drive me home. And maybe a sponge bath? Incentives help.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Question: Why do people always go 30kms an hr in a 30 zone?

I'm not sure I understand this question. It sounds like the person is a little annoyed. But I think the reason we adhere closely to 30km zones is because we don't want to murder children with our cars.

I guess some people want to murder children with their cars, I've just never thought much about it from their point of view.

Also, I know for a fact that not everybody goes 30 in a 30 because I got a ticket once for going 45 in a 30 on that day I really hated children a lot.

Is this in reference to the idea that in most situations, we all drive 10 km/h or so over the speed limit? Because I've always thought that was weird, that we're allowed to cheat a certain amount. Like baseball. Why not post the speed limit 10 km/h higher and then things won't have to be so existential?

Existential isn't the right word there, is it? Is this one of those questions that just spawns more questions? Answer me!!!

Short Answer: We should all go slower in our 2000 pound death machines anyway. Leave the house earlier, tools.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Question: How many painters does it take to build a society?

Painters? Do they have some sort of load-bearing paint, or paint that inspires you to goodness, or paint that smells like solid social structure?

Not sure how important painters are. Artists, of course, are crucial to society, but are all painters artists? And obviously we're not talking about people who paint your den, here, because they aren't really artists. Sorry if you think you are.

If you can paint a picture real good, that's fine. But a painter who's truly an artist, that's a rare thing, like all true art. And they definitely make society better, but I don't think they build it. They may build the most important things on top of the base of society, but they don't really keep you from murdering each other or help with the distribution of resources.

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously. Obviously I'm of the school of thought that artists are necessary for the enjoyment of life. Just...painters? I don't know. Being able to draw is something you just have or you don't. I know because my family members have it, and I don't. Taking that to the level of Picasso is a million steps beyond having an inherent talent for drawing. And there are painters who can't even do that, they just 'express themselves' by slapping paint on a canvas with various parts of their anatomy, sometimes including the ballbag.

Art is important, but it's kinda the icing on the well-built society, isn't it? Art is the thing that keeps the people happy, so the society can continue to run on good values and community. But when it comes to the initial building, I think they're probably on the sidelines waiting to get called into the game.

Short Answer: If this question just meant painters who paint your house, and it was somehow asking me to break down the amount of workload like I was a contractor for a construction job, I'd have to say you need one painter for every three guys who can put up drywall.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Question: Are you happy hockey's back?

I am.

I'm not much of a baseball guy, so during the summer I check out of sports pretty hard. Sometimes I'll try to turn on whatever Sportsdesk is called now and get bombarded with baseball highlights, make a noise of disgust, and say something along the lines of 'every baseball highlight looks the same.'

So when hockey comes back, I'm not only happy to watch hockey, I'm happy that the sports shows stop talking baseball, and I also get football and soccer. Is it because that baseball is the only summer sport that we have to get so many fucking highlights? Like twenty minutes off the top of every show in the summer is fucking baseball. I guess it's the same for hockey, but only on busy nights. Every fucking night in the summer is busy for baseball. And even if I was a fan of my local team, why the fuck would I want to see a routine double play in the Pittsburgh Pirates vs. whatever that Florida team is called now game?

I used to watch baseball. I did. I got turned off before the steroid stuff, to be honest, and yet I feel completely okay with pretending that it's why I don't watch anymore. Seriously? Cheating? Rampant and accepted cheating? Boo-urns.

Anyway, I think this question was about hockey. Yay hockey.

Short Answer: Basketball highlights bore me too. Look, a dunk. Hey, another dunk! Now this guy does a dunk. Dunk! Here's the pass...three-pointer...he missed it dunk!

Note: Baseball highlights should be all nasty curve balls and basketball highlights should be all filthy rejections. That is the case that I make.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Question: Can you give us a few new horror movies to watch this Hallowe'en?

It's a little late, but, yea. That's within my repertoire.

(What isn't you ask? My ability to explain why I like fried bologna with relish on top. Moving on.)

Again, the word new is tough. I don't have as much time as I used to, so I'm a little behind when it comes to the newest shit. I won't catch up on this year for some time. So I guess whatever's new to me, huh?

The Bay (2012) I had no idea what I was getting into with this. Blown away. Loved it. Is environmental horror a thing?

Stoker (2013) Chan wook-Park. Yep.

The Loved Ones (2009) This great little Australian movie came about for me just in time for the 40th anniversary of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Really good fun, in a similar vein.

Kill List (2011) I'd heard a lot about this little movie. Though it was hard to understand the accents (I've never had this problem to this degree before) the movie was a special treat. Good performances, dialogue and an interesting idea.

Maniac (2012) This Elijah Wood starring remake of the classic flew far below the radar. I'm not sure why, as it is fucking excellent.

The Collector (2009), The Collection (2012) I didn't think it was possible to create a new monster. I also didn't think that this story would work at all, like Saw in a big house full of traps. I didn't even bother to watch it for years. But it was pretty fun, especially the first one.

World War Z (2013) Nothing like the book. Who cares?

I Saw the Devil (2010) Kim Jee-woon (A Tale of Two Sisters) brings the intense crazy with Stormshadow at the forefront. (Didn't understand any of that? That's okay.) Movie rules.

Grave Encounters (2011) This has been played out by now for sure. Ghost hunters, big old building, hand held cams. Still, it was a pretty good little ride.

V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013) Anthology horror films are great, because they get multiple opportunities to be successful. Not everything in these films is fantastic, but there are some new ideas and some great execution. Really enjoyed the first one especially.

I Spit On Your Grave (2010) Never thought I'd dig this remake, but I put that shit aside like a champion. Dudes get ruined, Keith laughs.

The ABCs of Death (2012) Another anthology, this one with 26 shorts. Super fun, and a great way to find new and fun directors in the genre.

Would You Rather (2012) This was way more fun that I thought it would be. Pretty straightforward set up, with the titular game as the base layer of a torture cake. What makes it is the great Jeffrey Combs chewing up the scenery as the game's host.

Short Answer: I've also recently seen James Wan's The Conjuring and Insidious 2. They each had their moments, but neither felt like anything fresh. Now that Mr. Wan has been established with a mainstream hit, I'd like to see him take more risks like he did early on.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Question: Why is the sky blue?

That's something like an answer to this. It's tough, because no one knows why the sky is blue. It's a big mystery, like crop circles, bigfoot, orbs -

I actually just got bored with my smarmy response.

The color blue travels in shorter waves than other colors. When light hits all the bazillion molecules in the atmosphere, blue is scattered the most. That's why we see blue.

There. I answered it.

Short Answer: Bigfoot doesn't exist. We would have seen him by now. He's too big.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Question: Why are fools and their money soon parted?

When I read this question, I heard the phrase 'who farted?' and it made me laugh. Therefore I officially had more fun reading this question than you will have reading the answer.

In 1573, in Thomas Tusser's Five Hundreth Pointes of Good Husbandrie, he said:

A foole & his money,
be soone at debate:
which after with sorow,
repents him to late.

Besides being a bad speller, he was right on the parted money.

Some say that it was one Dr. John Bridges (in Defence of the Government of the Church of England) about 15 years later who solidified the statement into what we now recognize.

If they pay a penie or two pence more for the reddinesse of them..let them looke to that, a foole and his money is soone parted.

His spelling wasn't much better and yet there is wisdome in it. Or wysdom, or wisdoem. Or penie. Tee-hee.

The answer to your question is that fools part with lots of stuff. They'll part their hair, and they'll part the bumcheeks of a prostitute of unknown gender. They basically get themselves caught up in all sorts of shenanigans (or he-nanigans as the case may be.) Fools part with their money because they don't have the good sense to roll that shit up tight and hide it with the dead bodies. Instead they'd rather 'live life' and 'have a good time' and 'discover balls where none were expected'.

Short Answer: Hey, if it makes you happy, make it rain. Only other people are calling you a fool, and what the fuck does their opinion matter?

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Question: How do you feel about this Vrbata guy so far?

Pretty hard not to feel good about him. 5 goals, 5 assists in eight games? He's projecting career highs so far, which is ridiculous and misleading, but still.

This is a question about the Vancouver Canucks, and the new player they got in the off-season. If you don't care about hockey, here's a joke for you.

An existentialist walks into a bar.
"Are you even in a bar?" asked the bartender.
"Don't be a prick," said the existentialist.


For those who are now searching for meaning in the above joke, you won't find any.

Double Tah-Dorp!

Existentialism is a little like schizophrenia. It doesn't really mean what you think. But the only other option I could think of for the joke was 'second year philosophy major'. That doesn't work as well because college students don't go to bars/don't use foul language/have no legs or something.

These sports questions are tough because I know a bunch of people don't care about them. With any other sort of question I don't mind if some people are alienated because I can still find humour. There's not a lot funny about a person excelling at sport, or the disappointment of a city over their team sucking the balls. Sports is a pretty serious thing. Until a boxer gets hit in the groin. Then it's a laugh riot.

Short Answer: I think Vrbata will do well this season as long as he doesn't fall through a manhole in the ice, comically leaving the frame.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Question: Am I eating too many halloween treats?

My first answer will be for the general public.

First Answer: Yes. You have no self-control and you're killing yourself. You're killing yourself!

The second answer will be for my wife, who has informed that she was the one who asked me this question.

Second Answer: No. Keep it up. I fucking love that fat ass!

Short Answer: Haven't we all had enough candy and answers for one day?

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Question: Who do you think is the best talk show host?

First time this has ever happened back to back, but here's another question that I've answered before. This one I tackled almost four years ago:

I think that my estimates proved fairly accurate. Jimmy Fallon ended up with the Tonight Show, so there you go. My opinion has not changed on the matter. The only think that has changed in the late night television scope is the addition of Seth Meyers. He's okay. He'll improve. His monologue is stilted, and he can't decide where to put his desk, but I like his guests. And his connection with SNL makes for some pretty awesome behind the scenes stories and comedy ideas.

Obviously Leno is gone and Letterman and Ferguson are leaving. How things change in only a few years. I guess this would be a question to revisit once Ferguson has been replaced and Stephen Colbert has begun his run.

Short Answer: I like Kimmel more, now that I've given him a chance. I think he's great for his particular demographic. Hmmm. Saying someone is great for their particular demographic isn't really saying much at all. That's like complimenting someone for getting the food in their mouth. Oh well.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Question: Why do fools fall in love?

That there above this here is the link to the July 2012 post where I answered the above the line above this line question.

Read that again. I swear it makes sense.

My feelings on the subject haven't changed all that much, though now I think that some people are more foolish when they get involved with another person than others. There are those who aren't really in love, they just decide they are because they think it's missing from their lives.

This often happens because the person they want to be in love with has a huge pair of breasts, or whatever the equivalent for that is in male bathing suit parts.

Love is great. But so is jacking off to videos of people falling off their skateboards onto their testicles. You don't need another person to find something you can masturbate to, and masturbation is often better than sex, especially if that sex is with a new partner who isn't familiar with how you like your holes fondled.

Short Answer: Because I didn't mention it the first time, Why Do Fools Fall In Love? is also a song by Frankie Lymon and The Teenagers from 1956. It's also good to jack off to.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Question: Would you have sex with Timberlake?

I've thought long and hard about this.

(The above line is humorous. The reason that it is humorous is because to have sexual intercourse with a man, in some capacity one must employ the erect penis. During sexual arousal the male sex organ gets both long and hard. Sometimes - I hear - it even stays that way for more than two and a quarter minutes.)

No. I've tried to imagine it. I've tried to imagine it so hard just now that I'm a little gayer than I was when I woke up this morning and read the new issue of Chatelaine. The thing is, sex with men for jokes is great, but I happen to be heterosexual. Please don't judge me; I was born this way. I can't help it.

Being a heterosexual, it is difficult for me to achieve and maintain an erection while attempting sexual congress with another male. Having said this, I'm pretty sure I could fire one off if I was watching Timberlake fuck my wife.

Short Answer: Timberlake does deserve my love, it's just something he can never have. I guess his life will forever be incomplete and he'll have to return to his millions of dollars and his every other desire fulfilled at the snap of his Jessica Biel probing fingers. To say I feel terrible is an understatement. Excuse me while I eat three pop tarts for supper and go over my financials, i.e., count the seven dollars in my 'bank sock'.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Question: Who is the best boxer in the world right now?

I obviously don't have to say much about this.

Gennady Golovkin.

Undefeated as a professional. Current IBO and WBA middleweight champion of the world.

Wait for it...

90% knockout average.

That's right. 31-0 as a professional. 28 wins by KO.

He's that guy you get excited to watch, and you think, "He can't do it again, can he?" And then he knocks the next guy the fuck out. I haven't seen anything like it, not since Tyson. It's great for boxing to know you can watch a fighter and you're going to get exactly what you expect.

Short Answer: Don't get me wrong, I like a good boxing match. I'm not one to go to a race to see the crashes, but holy shit, knockouts are the best!

*Note: I guess if you consider a 'fighter' and a 'boxer' two different kinds of professional prize-fighters, it would be irresponsible of me not to mention that Floyd Mayweather has proven himself to be the best pound for pound boxer in the world over the last decade. But I don't like watching a dude dance for a half-hour and then be a total asshole. I think Andre Ward deserves a mention here, too, as another candidate for the best in the world right now. I also really like Sergey Kovalev because he knocks dudes the fuck out. By the way, for those who think I hold Golovkin too high in my esteem, take into account that he has a hard time getting big fights, because people are afraid of getting murdered on TV.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Question: What is the cutest/ugliest animal?


red panda
Labrador puppy
slow loris
certain ferrets
teddy bear hamster
sea otter
grizzly bear
baby owl
sugar glider
big ass bunny rabbits


horseshoe crab
mole rat
proboscis monkey
llama with under bite and bowl cut
star nosed mole
goblin shark
blob fish
cave spider
Clint Howard
sea pig
wide-headed vagina worm (this one isn't real)

Short Answer: These are the correct answers.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Question: What were your favorite comics as a child?

I remember these small little books, like the size of a novel but thinner. I don't know what they were called, but I was given one of these and it had a bunch of DC stories in it, including Aquaman fighting with Black Manta and an origin for Superboy. At the end of the book was a full gallery of all the members of the Legion of Superheroes. I liked this book a lot, because it was my first, and Aquaman and the Legion stuck.

Not long after I was given a box of hand-me-down comics from my uncles. There was a long run of the Flash, some amazing old Justice Society books (or All-Star Squadron), and some Iron man. Again, Flash, JSA and Iron Man stuck, and I've been a fan ever since.

I remember the first comic I ever bought. It was a double sized (maybe even bigger) crossover issue of Spider-Man and Daredevil, introducing the character of Speedball. (Speedball later went on to become Penance in one of the lamest to coolest transformations ever.) I loved that book, because I bought it with my own money. And I loved the back and forth hijinks and banter between Spidey and Daredevil. It cemented Daredevil as a favorite of mine for life.

I also recall reading The Phantom at the end of the television guide where I grew up. Then Billy Zane played the titular character in the movie, and that hurt my fandom for The Phantom. It's not your fault, Billy Zane. It's not your fault.

I also have strong recollections of a few other characters from when I was young, Ice-Man and The Spectre probably being my favorites.

Short Answer: I went away from comics in my teen years, and rediscovered them over a decade later. I've never been a collector, but I have a small little trove of trade paperbacks that I keep on my bookshelf.