Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Question: California Love or California Dreamin'?

So I guess nobody asked me a New Year's Eve question.

If we're talking the hippity-hop music compared to the Beach Boys, I'm white enough to say that I would take the Beach Boys in any situation, including a rumble. I think their harmonies would be too much for any greaser.

If we're talking about something else, I don't get it.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution will be to admit I don't get things more often. Thanks for the early start, fuckers!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Question: How high is too high?

Too high is when falling without a parachute will kill you.

Like from a plane, or the top of a building. Those things are too high.

If you have any sense, whatsoever, that if you jump you might not land properly on your feet, or not be able to pull off one of those forward rolls, that's too high.

It may occur to you, from the height that is too high, that if you jump, your knees will collapse, sending your torso sideways to drive your head into the ground at a terrifying speed. In this case, you should not jump. It is too high.

Short Answer: Or I guess going to the Santa Claus parade in a negligée and yelling fruit basket when you bend over is too high, also.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Question: When you die what do you think should happen to your Facebook account?

If I had my way it would burn with all the rest of the internets and be sprinkled in pizza dough with the rest of my physical body to be fed to all the children of the world.

That being unlikely, I'd like it to be erased without ceremony.

Short Answer: Let's not spend too much time thinking about what happens to all the nothing I've accomplished when I die.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Question: Dear Keith, why the face?

That's funny.

I was at Christmas with my brother the other day, and he repeated a joke that I told him years ago. I don't remember where the joke came from, so I assume I made it up, but for all I know credit goes to someone else.

Here it is:

A horse walks into a bar.
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
The horse replies, "I have horse aids."

Short Answer: If you don't think this joke is extremely funny, you might be on the wrong site.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Question: Why?

Do fools fall in love? Titties.
Are we here? 'Cause other planets kill you.
Are all the good men taken? They're not. You're just not a good woman.
Is the sky blue? Because it misses someone madly.
Do cats purr? To fool you.
Am I so tired? It's hard spending Christmas with your head in your own split.
Is my eye twitching? You have a bunch of cancers.
Do we dream? So we can cleanse ourselves of our robot rape fantasies.
Am I always cold? Not enough bacon and cookies.
Are you interested in this position? 'Cause in missionary, I can't see that fat ass.
Can't I get pregnant? No such thing as mouth children.
Does my life suck? Not enough titties (or male equivalent.)
Are barns red? Because cows hate mauve.
Is the ocean salty? Whale gak.
Does it hurt when I pee? Too many titties.
Is it referred to as the fluid mosaic model? This describes the plasma membrane of animal cells. The cell membrane itself is thought to be in liquid, hence fluid, and the mosaic is because the proteins are embedded in the phospholipids, and model because titties.

Short Answer: If this was a philosophical question, you may find the answer hidden within the other answers. Note: it's titties.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Question: Can you write a poem about a character named Jae-Leith Piccolo?

I cannot.

(Though I try not to shut down challenges as a rule, it's Boxing Day, so give me a break, would ya?)

Short Answer: Got two poem questions in a row at Christmas time, and I write the blog off the top of my head. Couldn't stomach the inherent lack of quality that would be present in the second of back to back poems.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Question: Merry Christmas Keith! Can you write a poem with the last line being "on top of the artichoke jar"? Thank you, happy holidays.

As she was, the artichokes were a special kind.
Like her they were salty.
Like her they were rare.
Like her, they'd been chosen carefully, the best of the best of their kind.

On their first date, an informal and impromptu affair, at a Christmas Eve party hosted
by a mutual friend, those artichokes were served on crackers with a mediocre pate.

They turned and reached at the same time, and though their fingers never touched, their eyes did all the meeting.

He listened to her conversations for an hour, and she his, and they didn't move away, while pretending to talk to others.

Finally, at a moment when they were left alone, they turned to each other.

She had holly in her hair, and he, a sweater with mistletoe on it.

They had nothing to speak of but the artichokes.

It made sense, then, that a year later, at Christmas Eve, in their home, beneath the tree, he placed the engagement ring on top of the artichoke jar.

Short Answer: Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Question: More Christmas!

Thanks for this question, because I've been feeling like a lot of things have been getting passed over.

More Great Christmas Movies

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
Love Actually
Blackadder's Christmas Carol

More Great Christmas Songs

All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
Calling to Say by Serena Ryder

More Great Christmas Foods

Shepherd's Pie (w/gravy)
The Brutus (caeser salad variation w/sun dried tomatoes, bacon and asiago)
Apple and celery chutney with absinthe

More Great Christmas Traditions

Open sandwiches
New Christmas movie night
Wrestling pay-per-view party

Short Answer: Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Question: Don't think you've ever done best Christmas movies? Have you?

I don't think I have either.

Answer complete.

Alright, here goes:

My Favorite Christmas Movies

10) How the Grinch Stole Christmas - I'm talking cartoon, of course. My family used to watch this every Christmas Eve. This is also a cheater - it's only a 'short film', but I couldn't leave it off the list.
9) Home Alone - One of the few Christmas movie I got to see in theatre. When the iron hit's that dude in the face, I laughed and pooped.
8) Black Christmas - One of the first giallo style American slashers, deserves some of the credit given primarily to Carpenter's Halloween. And, wildly, directed by Bob Clark, who also directed #1.
7) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Possibly the funniest Christmas movie, and along with Fletch and Caddyshack, the most fun to be had with Chevy Chase.
6) It's a Wonderful Life - Number one on a lot of lists, I find the run time of this movie hurts the pace just enough to bring it down to Earth. Still great, though. Love me some Jimmy Stewart.
5) Bad Santa - That's right. Bad Santa is above It's a Wonderful Life! Why? Cursing and shenanigans! What's more Christmas than that?
4) Die Hard - It manages to tread that fine line of Christmas movie and nothing to do with Christmas movie, but a few iconic scenes bring it around. Now I have a machine gun, Ho-Ho-Ho, for example.
3) Elf - Momentarily putting aside Will Ferrel's adorable chicanery, this movie captures a lot of the magic and heart that I don't connect with in other 'classic' Christmas movies. One highlight, a pre-Tyrion Lannister Peter Dinklage performing a running dropkick.
2) Scrooged - Speaking of heart, the end of Scrooged is my favorite Christmas thing. It's just Bill Murray bubbling with Christmas spirit.
1) A Christmas Story - I remember hearing about A Christmas Story when I was young, and assumed it was like a lot of the other older fare that I had no use for. When I finally watched it, I was blown away. It is the most Christmas-y of Christmas movies by far. Not a finger!

Short Answer: While writing this answer, I had bouts of nostalgia and flickering memory, to the point that I've convinced myself I may have done a Christmas movie list before. Oh well, if this is a repeat, it was fun to do again.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Question: What are your thoughts on masturbating in public restrooms, for example at work, in the 3rd stall in the 10th floor bathroom at my office yesterday?

Yea, sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta come. Or the other way around.

Once, I closed a business to go and masturbate in the bathroom. So I'm on board with these sorts of situations. Often, for men, this is a necessity. When the peen gets full, and the mind won't think of anything else, you have to drain your resources or you become a weird, rapey monster. It's just part of being a dick-wielder.

As for the 3rd stall, good choice. People often use the first or the last one, and when the first one's full, they'll go to the second. The third is probably the least used or sought after stall, so it's a nice, clean place to eradicate your minions.

Short Answer: I think if you didn't masturbate at the office, you'd be a weirdo. Maybe not every day, but once in a while. It just means your still susceptible to the sexiness of the doughnut, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Question: My ego thinks it's awesome.

Here's an intriguing situation. Not a question at all, just some insanity left behind like a misplaced bag of dog turds.

But if its purpose is to make me consider what my ego thinks is awesome, then mission accomplished!

What AskKeithAnything's ego thinks is awesome:

Having my face tattooed on someone else's body.
People wanting me to sign parts of their bodies that are clearly in the bikini zone.
Wanting sexual congress with me because I wrote some words.
My farts.
Having my face tattooed on my own body.
Getting a thumbs up from Ghost Mark Twain.
When people reference my work with made-up adjectives, in comparison to other writers. "Like Dr. Seuss but slylier" for example.
When someone assumes I've seen many boobs.
The conceit that I can somehow defeat male pattern baldness with excellence.

Short Answer: This might have been a simple comment on something the Asker read. Oh well.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Question: What are your favorite Christmas carols?

It's at the point where I don't even know what qualifies as a Christmas carol anymore. I used to think of carols as oldey-time songs, but now there's so many modern versions that I'm pretty sure anything with Christmas intent counts.

Top Fifteen Christmas Songs

15) Winter Wonderland by Darlene Love
14) Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (by Frank Sinatra or any Muppets)
13) Silver Bells by Johnny Mathis
12) Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives
11) Please Come Home for Christmas by Charles Brown (or The Eagles)
10) I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.
9) Blue Christmas as sung by Porky Pig
8) Last Christmas by Wham
7) Merry Fucking Christmas by Mr. Mackey from South Park
6) White Christmas by Bing Crosby
5) Do They Know It's Christmas Time by Everyone (Band Aid)
4) Jingle Bell Rock by Chubby Checker and Bobby Rydell
3) Baby It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and anyone
2) The Grinch Song (You're a Mean One) from the Grinch movie.
1) Santa Baby by Madonna (or Eartha Kitt)

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions for almost anything else you can think of. There's so many good ones.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Question: Do you put up Christmas lights?

There was a time that I used to put lights up around my house, on the inside I mean. There was even one year where we put lights up in the bedroom. We liked that so much that we kept them there all year long.

This year, it was pretty much just the tree, 'cause our other set of lights had burnt out, and where the hell do you buy Christmas lights? It's a mystery that can't be solved.

Perhaps if I had a giant ass house I'd do something, though I'd be inclined to avoid the classic frame-job on the doors and gutters. I'd be more into putting lights all through or around the trees and bushes. I like the idea of a big blinking bush in the front yard.

Short Answer: I like Christmas lights, and though they're a pain the ass, I could see at least getting a little ways into them in the future.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Question: If the Nativity occurred in modern times, what gifts would the 3 Magi bring?

A few years back I did a little Magi scene. Here that is:

http://www.askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/12/question-what-really-happened-on.html

I assume, based on the fact that frankincense and myrrh are basically tree saps, that those magi would bring either maple syrup or some cultural equivalent of our time like incense or perfume. As for gold, that shit has survived and needs little translation. Either an envelope full of cash or an ITunes gift card, I'm guessing.

I'm not sure I understand the value of things at that time, but it's universal that the guy who brings the gold is a pimp.

Short Answer: I think the true equivalents might be points on the back end of a film and Chanel number 5. Or Brut. Yea, Brut.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Question: Do you like Christmas shopping?

I enjoy it in so much as I like having metal objects inserted into my rectal tract.

Was that too much sarcasm? Let me try again.
 
Christmas shopping is like having metal objects inserted into my rectal tract.
 
Ya feel me?
 
Christmas should be completely awesome but it's forever balanced by the intense stress of many chores that I do poorly - and that's not even taking money into account.
 
So no, I don't like Christmas shopping.
 
It's a titanium rod up the pucker.  

Short Answer: You heard me. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Question: Is it time to get down to the heart of the matter?

Hey! I love that song. Shut up! It's good! Shut up!

This might not be in reference to the single The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley from 1989, but it probably is, so I'll make that assumption. And the answer, is yes, it is time. So shut up!

I'm hardly an Eagles fan, and I don't have a thing for other Don Henley songs, but let's just say there's a reason this question reads the way it does and not, 'Is it time for the end of the innocence?' or 'Is it time for the last worthless evening?' or 'Is it time for all she wants to do is dance?' And that reason, if it's still not clear, is that The Heart of the Matter is his greatest achievement on this planet ever.

Short Answer: "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore."

I've got something manly in my eye. I have to go.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Question: Sometimes you do poetry, sometimes top tens. Can you do both?

Top Ten Poetic Things

10) Unicorns, bitch.
9) Straight up rain.
8) Yo! Rainbows.
7) That shit that gets all wet in your eyes.
6) Beauty and junk.
5) The way that I feel, homes.
4) Waxing.
3) Brotherhood of man, or having brosephines.
2) Roads that are like, double roads.
1) Serious boning.

Short Answer: Damn. The world is tight.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Question: How does one spice things up in the bedroom when they're going solo?

It might help to not be going solo in the bedroom. That's just going to remind you of other, less sad times when you were in the bedroom not going solo. Then you're just mangling a floppy thing, rather than juicing the beast.

I think a good challenge for the bored jerker-offer is to try to masturbate under duress. You know, like it that scene in the Robin Hood movie where Maid Marian blows in Kevin Costner's ear while he's trying to shoot his arrow. (Somehow, not euphemisms.)

Try jacking it at the drive through, for example. Or in a public bathroom. Or in the communal sink in your building's laundry room. Or on the toiler whilst in the middle of pre-dump cramping. Or on the toilet during a movement. Or on the toilet after you've laid a big 'un. Or on the cold balcony in bare feet.

You get the picture. And if that doesn't spice things up, you can always follow the North American trend of ramming weird stuff into your butt. Seriously, a large amount of emergency visits are for things stuffed up the butt. By percentages, you're going to do it at some time. Might as well have some fun while you're at it.

An obvious choice, if the rules permit, is to not be solo in the bedroom, despite the fact that you're sacrificing your own queen. Any sort of interested, or even uninterested, onlooker will do. From janitor at the nearby office building, to ex-landlady, to homeless wino, to highly paid prostitute, all eyes are good eyes when they're fixated on your wang whilst mid-massacre.

Short Answer: I hope that helps. You should never be bored when your junk is in the palm of your hand, at the tips of your fingers, or being gargled by your favorite oversized stuffed toy.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Question: How do we improve the public gym experience?

I do hate to be this predictable, but the answer again is nudity.

Besides the obvious benefit of seeing a woman do the chest press while topless (or whatever the female, dong-out equivalent is - leg scissor thing?), it would also make communal hot tubes and saunas a lot more interesting. Also, it equals out the vulnerability quotient.

Allow me to explain. When many people go to the gym, they end up feeling bad about themselves, embarrassed even, because they aren't as fit as one of the gym rats. In the nudity era, we'll all by exposing our most private of privates, levelling the playing field when it comes to that embarrassment. Sure, there might be a roid monkey with a ton of slab downstairs, but even seeing his floppity dong bag will make you feel better about yourself, because dong bags is silly. And in most cases, exercise penis - a form of shrinkage - will make every one of those people who spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym seem less intimidating.

It will also even out the problem of weight loss and weight gain, as you'll be more focused on how you actually look, being forced to mirror up every time you do a squat thrust. This is probably more healthy, and less stressful than checking every day to see if you've lost a pound.

The only real issue here is one of sanitation, as we all have experienced that small percentage of gym goers how don't spray and wipe their machines when they're done.

And we're gonna need a more powerful spray.

Short Answer: Erections could also be an issue, on account of the aforementioned tits out chest exercise thing.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Question: Should I fear the dark?

Iron Maiden thinks you should.

As many wise men have said before me, it's not the dark that you should fear, it's what's all up in it.

People forget that we're supposed to fear the dark. That's evolution, gramps. So go for it.

But if it's keeping you awake, try pretending you're being guarded by Spider-Man and Bret 'the Hitman' Hart. That always works for me.

Short Answer: That last sentence was completely, 100 percent true.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Question: How does one become effectively ambitious?

Like my father used to say to me, and my mother, and my siblings, and anyone who's ever met me pretty much:

Aim low.

Wait. That's a burn on me, isn't it? Dammit.

Ambition, if you're lucky enough to have it, is the driving force behind a lot of motivation that otherwise might not appear. I think to use that ambition effectively is to allow that motivation to take hold, and ride it until it dies. Think of being on a horse, chasing after your beloved, who's been taken by some cowardly wizard in reaction to some ass-handing you gave him in the recent past. You'll ride that horse into the ground if you have to, just to see your beloved's big, silicone DDs one more time.

I may have crossed up a few things there, but at least it was ambitious.

Short Answer: Producing work. I think that's the key. Take the ambition, let it motivate you, and finish what you start. The rewards will come. And if they don't, you're doing all you can by killing a horse...or something. Boobs!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Question: If Neil Armstrong was homosexual, would his moon landing be considered a felony in Texas?

Is moon landing a metaphor? For gay sex? For a man's penis entering the atmosphere of another man's bottom?

(Yea, I know the moon doesn't have an atmosphere exactly; I'm trying to make jokes here, do you mind?)

If it isn't, then probably. Texas, for all its love of things being bigger, doesn't seem to have that much in common with people who want dongs up their butts. Or maybe they all love dong-butt and just can't kick the conservative oldies that run things. Who's to say what the people actually want anymore? Their voices are supressed. They're not represented, they're taxed and stroked and lied to.

How did this get political?

For a country that has the most prisoners in the world (not per capita, just the most) you'd think they'd go a little easier on the crimes that give only pleasure and happiness to the participants. (Assuming lube and foreplay were major parts of the act. I assume if astronauts are involved they take a lot of precautions, space being more dangerous than butts and all.)

I think it's pretty obvious that the government has no place in the bedroom, unless it's a prima nocta type situation. Which I think would be hot, but whatever.

Short Answer: One small step for a man, one giant leap into another man's anus.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Question: Is my tie straight?

I don't know. Does it have sex with other ties?

(Hysterical Laughter...fading...fading...getting closer...choking...the sound of a body hitting the floor...the sound of a dialing phone...9...1...silence.)

Short Answer: _________________________________

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Question: Did you know that Keith Richards has an 'Ask Keith' option on his website?

I did know that, because like every real man on this planet, I Google myself constantly while doing my nails.

But I can safely say if there's one thing I do better than Keith Richards, it's answer questions. Unless the questions are about age, manliness, ability to rock, women, immortality, putting up with too much Jagger, putting up with too much poon, being an icon...

Ah, shit. That dude's lived a pretty sweet life, hasn't he? Compared to him, I'm just a wee little boy. He probably makes the panties drop way faster than I do, and though I can turn a phrase, he can probably turn a straight man gay, and that's way more impressive.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think Keith Richards is a handsome man, at least not anymore, but there is something irrepressibly attractive about someone who survives the rock and/or roll life style. I'm pretty sure there's dudes who would bang him just because of his longevity and experience. Am I off base, here? Should I not be talking about Keith Richards having sex with dudes?

The real difference between Keith Richards and I, besides amount of tail slung, and hit records dropped and epic crow's feet, is that here, on my site, you can ask 'anything'. I'm sure there are some stringent rules of conduct when asking questions of Keith Richards. Rules like:

No more than two sentences because lifetime of booze.

...and so on.

Short Answer: I think we can safely share the market place. Thinkin' we probably don't have as much crossover clientele as he'd like to think we do.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Question: What's with you man? (Spaceballs reference)

You're right to reference Spaceballs. It is one of my favorite comedy time film movies.

What's with me, specifically?

Too much dong is my theory. It gave me an inflated sense of self when I was very young. And having all those older women commit to round robin cage fights just for a chance to kneel before me was also a bit of a false confidence builder.

Another possibility is that I was born too awesome for this mortal body. Sometimes I feel like I'm stretching this flesh sack to its furthest capabilities. Often I'll poop and feel considerably better, but other times the poop don't cut it.

Yet a third possibility is that I'm just a bit of jerk. There's some precedent for this. Setting up those cage fights wasn't so nice, and stealing my black neighbour's catch phrase - 'The poop don't cut it!' - for this post isn't cool. I also have a tendency to lay waste to all the vajay in my particular area, making lots of bitches completely pregnant. When this happens, it's cage fighting time.

Short Answer: Overdeveloped sense of self-importance? Nah, couldn't be.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Question: Do I tell my son about the prequels, or is that something he has to learn on his own?

For those not in the know, this question is in reference to the Star Wars prequels. They will not be named on this blog.

I think indoctrinating your kid is bad. Yet, you also - as a father - have a duty to protect the little bugger.

So perhaps context is wise, here. The natural excitement that a normal human has for the wonder and joy of Star Wars is something you definitely want to show the world, especially children. They should see the passion and the love and the caring, and you should welcome them to share in that joy if they so choose, encouraging all the positivity you can.

Then you can say something like, "Yea, then they took a bunch of shits on us, and that's these three movies. Watch them if you don't care about your soul." If your kids ask you what a soul is, you can then say, "It's that thing that George Lucas doesn't have" and walk away, letting them contemplate the mysteries of the universe, and also who the fuck green lit 'phantom menace' as a title.

Short Answer: Context.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Question: If everybody has on demand and tevo now does anybody still actually watch Christmas specials when they air on regular television anymore?

I still have for the past few years, but more and more the PVR/DVR is changing the way we watch television. Now, I just do a search at the beginning of December and set up all the things I want to record, and then watch them at my leisure.

I'd like to say that this is some tradition that will never die, like butt fucking and book reading (the name of my new autobiography), but it isn't. Having to watch things when 'the man' tells you to is not a tradition, and we're right as consumers to demand better.

Fuck, we're spoiled.

It's still probably possible to be surprised. I can see it happening. "Holy shit, is that Burgermeister MeisterBurger? Shit, we gotta watch the shit out of this shit!" Something like that.

Short Answer: It's funny to think we were once slaves to network television scheduling. I wonder if the premium type channels that run movies over and again will eventually change too, now that people can just record the movie when it first airs. Will that mean more content on those channels? Will they have to start keeping up with the Netflixes of the world? Yea, that's right. Who's asking questions now, bitch!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Question: Why does the Simpsons suck so bad now?

I've always been of the camp that left the Simpsons behind right around the time that it became so popular my parents were quoting from it.

But I'm willing to venture a controversial statement on this. Perhaps, just maybe, it doesn't suck so bad now. Maybe it's just that it was so good in its heyday, that what goes on now pales in comparison.

I mean, the show couldn't have continued for this long with absolutely no quality. And the reason it was so good back in the day was because of the writers, and those have changed considerably, but again, it's not like they go looking for no-talent hacks.

I'm basically a season 3-7 guy, which I think is where most people agree the show was at its best. These were the years that the Simpsons dominated my vernacular, and to this day, I still quote them in appropriate situations in my life. I can't begin to recount how many times the sody has made my teef hurt, or that the goggles have done nothing, or that I was out of Bort licence plates. Union boss, hockey game, Scorpio - these are the Simpsons I remember.

It's weird when someone who continues to watch brings up a 'classic' Simpsons episode and I have no idea what they're talking about. And it's always the same sort of thing. "You know, the one where Homer becomes an assistant for Martha Stewart" or some shit like that. If that sentence doesn't go, "You know, the one where Homer becomes an astronaut" I don't care.

Short Answer: It probably doesn't suck, but other shows took the reins and then the lead in animated comedy. I'm lookin' at you, South Park.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Question: God, why do bad things happen to good people?

First of all, you're right to assume I'm some sort of god, if not a demi-god or a minotaur of some repute. But sadly, I am neither of these, no matter how many times people have said - with little prompting - that I have the dong of a minotaur.

So, I'll answer, but let's be clear it's not under the guise of having any responsibility. God forbid.

Things happen to people.

Short Answer: If you start getting more complicated than that, you're in for a long life of philosophy reading and a short evening of wrist slitting.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Question: Does the celebration of Christmas amongst secularists promote mindless conformity or the celebration of humanity?

I have absolutely no desire to step on the beliefs of Christians around Christmas time. Historically speaking, the nicest they ever are is when they're celebrating the birth of Jesus.

Mindless conformity is a tough phrase. I think from a consummation of goods angle, it probably does apply. But if we're talking about conformity to some set of unknown ideals that are actually based in Christianity, no, I don't think so.

I present myself as example. I love Christmas. Tree, presents, family, happiness, Chinese food, the Grinch. Love it. And I don't recall God or Jesus or anyone else having anything at all to do with it. My family is a fine example of a group that takes in nothing religious about the holiday, and enjoys all the positives. The ideas of community, kindness and good will to all men may coincide with Christian beliefs, but that doesn't bother me any, because if they do, it's where the Christians got it right.

As for the celebration of humanity, I think that's a stretch, too. (See Black Friday.) I think it's obvious that Christmas has become a very large cash grab, and we might all do a little better to not unload our bankrolls. Then again, giving presents is one of the best feelings I can imagine, so is it really all bad to join the sinking consumer ship if it makes you feel so good?

I'm not going to get into a history lesson here, but it doesn't take a genius to know that Jesus wasn't actually born on that day, and that the holiday of Christmas was basically layered over Saturnalia, the pagan celebration that took place at the end of the calendar year. So the inclusion of Santa and a manger or two is kind of irrelevant to me. We're celebrating another year's end, with joy and presents and stupid traditions that though possibly made up by Coca-Cola, still make me feel like a better, happier person.

Short Answer: Let's think of it this way. If all secularists banded together and said, 'Fuck Christmas! We're going to celebrate the end of the year without all of these traditions because they might symbolize a support of Christianity!' In twenty years, we'd have new traditions, and they'd also be made up crap layered on top of an existing holiday. Tradition itself is where the sense of nostalgia and community come from; it doesn't necessarily matter what the traditions are. If you want to put baby Jesus on top of your tree, go for it. It's not going to stop me from having a tree.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Question: How did you get a 100 on a recent nerd test?

This question is in reference to a little test I participated in on Facebook. It's a list of one hundred movies and your score, quite simply, is how many of the movies you've seen. The list is supposed to be indicative of how much of a nerd you are, I suppose because many of the movies are considered nerd culture; Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR and other like-minded fare.

To my utter delight, I had seen all of the movies. I think it might be a natural response for me to feel like I've wasted my life, but instead I had rather the opposite reaction. Because I love movies, and I've spent a lot of time going backward and scrounging around for movies that other generations loved, I should score highly on a test like this. I make the effort, unlike a lot of people who consider themselves movie buffs, who don't really take the time to see all the greats of a genre (let alone all genres).

And genre is my thing. I've seen a lot of sci-fi, horror and fantasy movies. This is notable because it takes a particular determination to sift through all the crap. Even movies that others consider fantastic can be total garbage. King Kong for example. People love that movie. Some claim it is the best horror movie ever made. I think King Kong is a gong show, full of poor performances and me yawning. One who loved the movie might claim that I don't know what I'm talking about, that I'm a 'young whipper-snapper' full of candy corn and hope. But I just scored one hundred on a movie nerd test, bitch, so I guess I have some idea of context. And King Kong can suck on a loaf of rock hard fruitcake for my money.

Short Answer: The thing was called 100 Basic Training Movies at Nerd Academy, if you want to see what your score is.