Thursday, October 31, 2013

Question: You didn't do many Halloween posts this year? Why not?

Because nobody asked me Halloween questions. Which sucks because Halloween is awesome and people are total wieners.

When I grow up, I'm gonna decorate the crap out of my house. Putting a severed head on my apartment door doesn't seem quite the right sort of spirit, especially on account of the fact that we don't allow any kids in for trick or treating. I guess the fact that I put it up early and take it down late doesn't help either. I just think the Christmas wreath looks good with a bug-eyed, recently decapitated French aristocrat in the center. Call me old fashioned, I guess.

Halloween isn't what it used to be, but at least my wife is a hot slut who dresses like a cleavage witch.

Short Answer: I scared a guy today. Now I just need to poison the little children and I'll be done for another year. Oh, right, and put fake blood all over my penis before I whack it. Happy Halloween, fuckers!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Question: You make me feel so young?

Are you a little confused about how you're feeling? Are you not sure if I'm the one making you feel young, or are you not sure that you're feeling young at all?

Often, when I'm confused about feelings, or having trouble classifying certain stimuli, I go and sit on the toilet, just in case.

You'd be amazed how many accidents I've prevented this way.

If I do make you feel young, congratulations, you missed the point.

Short Answer: You make me feel like spring has sprung. So long as boobs.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Question: How do you get away with being such a dick?

Top Ten Reasons I Get Away With Being a Dick

10) I'm relatively harmless.
9) I'm adorable.
8) I'm funny.
7) Big penis.
6) Ability to use said penis to make lady parts go boom.
5) Ability to say something awesome after I make lady parts go boom, such as, "Boom goes the dick-o-mite" and "That's what I like to call FUCKED."
4) Your mom seems to like it.
3) I'm one of those highfalutin smart dicks, so you've got to come at me with some Harvard level game to take a piece.
2) I'm full of love.
1) I'm full of shit.

Short Answer: The right combination of full-of-lovedness and full-of-shitedness goes a long way.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Question: How do you make an award-winning grilled cheese?

Get someone who lived in a trailer at some point in their life to make it. They've had lots of practice.

See also: Best Kraft Dinner

Short Answer: Just like you do with a good vagina, to make it better: put meats in it!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Question: What advice do you have for America after its most recent stupidities?

I don't know, man.

Rape shower?

Eat a whole container of ice cream?

Not much left to do, is there?

It's sad. America has been the leader of the free world for long enough that I'm afraid when they go down, they're going to take everything down with them. It's not just the American people that will suffer, it will be everyone.

And somehow, the elected government doesn't seem to give a shit. It makes no sense. I get corruption and greed, I do, but to go this far? What happened to law? What happened to consequences for evil? What happened to being held responsible?

When government became so split, that people on one side would allow the American people to be ignorant or misinformed to help them win power, that's the moment things got out of hand. When that power is supposed to come from the people, but instead, the people are the victims of the lust for that power.

Short Answer: I think we just need all the old white fuckers to die off. Think we can hold on that long?

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Question: Why are desert and dessert so alike on paper?

Because they have mostly the same letters.

If you look closely, the only difference between the words is that 'dessert' not 'desert' has two 'S's. Whereas 'desert' not 'dessert' has only one 'S'.

The word 'dessert' therefore has one more 'S' than the word 'desert', and the word 'desert' has one less 'S' than the word 'dessert'.

This means that 'dessert' literally has double the 'S's contained within than the less ostentatious 'desert' which has half as man 'S's as the word 'dessert'.

You hate this yet?

Now you know how I feel after a diarrhea blow job!

Short Answer: All of this is true!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Question: Is the romanticized hobo who travels the country in an open rail car a thing of the past?

I sure hope so. That shit is messed up. Transport for sad rapists is something I never intended to fund with my tax dollars.

Where I'm from, they tore up the railway tracks when I was just a kid, replaced them with gravel so they could be used as trails. I used to walk them and bike on them all the time. Not quite the Ray Bradbury sort of nostalgia, but relevant nonetheless.

I remember thinking how fun it would be to take a ride on a train a few years back, with my wife. I pictured all kinds of awesome scenery going by out the window, while my wife's naked boobs were pressed up against said window. Turns out, a train ticket is super fucking expensive. Not cool.

Why does everyone have to come between my wife's boobs?

Okay, okay, calm down, hyenas. I meant between me and my wife's boobs. Everything costs too much money, and the idea of taking a nice train trip, whatever value that had left, has been turned into actual monetary value. Not cool, I say again.

Maybe it would be good for the rail riding hobo to come back. It might be just what all these hoity-toity fuckers need smack dab in the middle of their oh so tasteful train ride.

Body lice.

Short Answer: I think if hobos were also magicians, that'd be better. Then again, dead rabbit out of a hat might not work for the kiddies. Or half-eaten rabbit out of a hat. Or I sold the rabbit for smack out of a hat.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Question: What is the worst thing about superhero films?

Lack of nudity.

That's answer number one through at least seven. Let me see here...

I guess the fact that they're so often origin stories, which seem boring, and yet the further the sequels go, the worse the individual movies of superhero franchises get. So origin stories are the best bet, and yet they are predictable by definition.

I really like superhero movies, and therefore have a tendency to be more forgiving. There's not a whole lot I don't like about them, in terms of the necessary components of their makeup. And I like origin stories, so I guess that's not a problem either.

I'm starting to think answers eight through ten are also lack of nudity.

Remember in The Watchmen, when there was nudity? Yea, that was the shit. And Sin City? Fuck yea. And even The Spirit (which rivals Batman & Robin as one of the worst comic adaptations ever) had some Eva Mendes ass.

I've seen superhero movies and comic adaptations with lots of blood and beats, but it's rare to see a boob or three. That would be nice. A little Black Widow masturbation action, or some Gwen Stacy shower scenes. You get the idea.

Short Answer: Anyone else think of Total Recall when I said 'a boob or three'?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Question: "I'm gonna go ahead and..." and "I know, right?" why do people use these phrases?

As per usual, both of these phrases originated during coitus.

The first one's pretty obvious.

"I'm gonna go ahead and put this in your bum." The uttering of this statement was instantly made nefarious by the loud protestations of the second participant, and has been bally-hooed down the ages by any man or woman who's been poked in the rear without proper warm-up.

The fact that this statement is now used by stupid assholes who need to eat up more of your time than necessary is indicative of the sort of person who'll give you less than ample warning before sticking a dry dong into your inner pooper.

"I know, right?" comes from a very specific sexual situation. Having situated themselves for a 69 for the first time - by sheer luck and sense of adventure - a man raised his head and tapped his wife on the bottom. "This is pretty awesome," he said, thinking of how he was no longer solely focused on the task of giving pleasure. The woman, removing his member, replied, "I know, right?" The statement had some deeper connotations because for this particular woman, the act of face to penis had become somewhat bothersome, on account of growing weary of the day to day habits of the wang's owner. Now, he could leave his pantaloons wherever he wanted, so long as while she was sliming the pool, he was excavating the ruins. And after three and a half children, ruins was apt.

Now, the use of 'I know, right?' is used mostly for comedic purposes, as an amusing way to agree with someone, along the lines of, 'Fair enough', 'Apparently' and 'You don't say.'

Short Answer: "I'm gonna go ahead and create life now, if you're okay with that?"

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Question: How does it make you feel that I catch-up on your blog while pooping?

There's literally nothing about this that disgusts me. I love that you're using the most precious of personal moments, whilst feces are pouring and bubbling out of your pressurized mudcap, to read my ramblings.

There's almost nothing I wouldn't do on the toilet. Normally, I read. Sometimes, I'll takes notes for the upcoming day's work. And sometimes, I'll make phone calls. Yes, if you've ever talked to me on the phone, even a couple of times, you've probably done it while I was squeezing out a spicy meatball.

The fact that you're willing to combine one pleasurable experience with another also indicates that you have an adventurous side. And I mean true adventure, not that climbing a mountain crap. You're a two things at once type fellow/lady. You'll get the job done...and then some!

I imagine you can handle a couple of penises near your mouth with great precision. Don't be embarrassed, you know you can.

So read on, fellow multi-fecal-tasker, and let not the disgust of the regulars keep you from brushing your teeth while riding the black pony!

Short Answer: Or the green pony, depending on your diet.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Question: What movie should I watch this Halloween, and why?

Just over these last few months, after writing this blog for three years, I've been noticing some repeats. Makes sense, especially something like this question about horror movies at Halloween time. Doesn't mean I won't answer to the best of my ability, but what I am going to start to do is add links to other answers I've made in the past that could also help.

There's the link to the thirty horror movies at Halloween list I did a few years back.

Now, to the question. If I was to pick one movie that you should watch at Halloween it's a no-brainer. The answer is Halloween by John Carpenter. The movie is not only called Halloween, it actually feels like Halloween. It takes place in a suburban/rural area in the fall, with pumpkins and grey skies and everything.

And then people get fucking offed.

Short Answer: Here's the link to my 'best five in the last five' Horror movie list:

Note: I did a little research to answer the question as though the emphasis was on the 'this', so in other words, a recent Horror movie appropriate for 'this' year. What I found was a pound and a half of utter crap. Best I can do is the Evil Dead remake, which was pretty fucking solid.

Now, in hindsight, I realize the answer for the best horror movie to watch this year is The Exorcist, because it's the 40th anniversary of its release!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Question: What happened with the duck-billed platypus?

Nothing sexual, I swear.

We met one night at an Arby's and he was going to do this whole 'yard sale pub crawl' thing and I wasn't busy the next day. He picked me up in his dodge charger - way to impress a girl! - and we went 'garbaging'. I got a new spice grinder for two dollars and a old Harlan Ellison book, and he bought a lamp and some macramé.

And after it was just a friendly kiss, almost a hug, really, 'cause it's hard to hug a platypus with getting a bit of his lips on you, on account of the huge bill and all.

Speaking of a huge bill, he insisted that he pay for the motel room. What was I gonna do? He is a mammal after all.

Oh shit, yea, the motel room. It wasn't a big deal. He seemed like a genuinely sweet...thing, and I wasn't going to say no to oral, even if it did feel like a couple of two-by-fours grinding against my junk place. It kinda just felt like I was doing a brother a favor. I barely came.

Anyway, me might go out again.

Short Answer: Suck it, question.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Question: Kale. Overrated?

Fuck no.

Kale is a superfood. It has high levels of beta carotene, vitamin K (whatever the fuck that is), vitamin C, and calcium. It also has some anti-cancer goo and some anti-high cholesterol gack.

There's a traditional Irish dish called colcannon, that's eaten around Halloween, which is kale and mashed potatoes, and sausages. Look it up! The kiddies will love a spoonful of that in their pillow cases.

As for the concept of being overrated, fuck that. You know kale is good for you, all you have to do is taste it. It tastes super fucking green, right? I crave that shit sometimes, and I think it's my body telling me to stop inhaling pizza hamburger sandwiches for a minute and take care of my inside business.

So fucking eat kale!

Short Answer: Kale-arrghhh! (dies)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Question: Mr. October (Jackson) or Mr. October 1977 (Richard Burke Davis)?

Not often do I get a question where I have to go look up a name. I must say, I was surprised to find out that Richard Burke Davis of October 1977 is a nude model of some sort. Of the Playgirl sort. This was my first exposure to Playgirl, as I am so heterosexual, that if I ever see a picture of a naked man, it grows boobs.

Either that or I just assumed this meant the Playgirl model because I love the cock.

Anyway, though I fear alienating my gay fans, I have to go with Mr. October Reggie Jackson. A baseball player who got his nickname for being so clutch in the playoffs. Clutch, I like that word. Makes me think of grabbing onto something meaty.

Anyway, I like Reggie Jackson more because I think he has better lats.

Short Answer: I'm gay.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Question: The Octagon (UFC) or The Octagon (Norris)?

I'm gonna go with quantity over (questionable) quality on this one, and say that the UFC has given me a lot more entertainment over the years than The Octagon starring Carlos Ray Norris. But don't get me wrong Pretenders style; The Octagon has its moments.

There's the fight with Kyo, the Ninja that hisses a lot, which is slow and strange, and the Foley artists used the sounds of wood smacking together for swords. And then it sounds like the soundtrack has lasers all of a sudden. Then Chuck kicks his ass with karate - a ninja - even though he's constantly off balance. Then the ninja stands in front of fire to be jump-kicked into fire, and then when he comes out on fire, Chuck decides to cut him again. 'Cause fire doesn't kill ninjas. Just karate.

There's also a great sexy moment in The Octagon where a girl wipes the salt off the side of a margarita with her finger and puts it in her mouth. In real life, she would make a pucker face after this, or maybe even a fart face. Ah, movie magic.

Also, the bad guy in The Octagon is named cherry blossom.

The Octagon that holds the fighters of the UFC has less fire and shurikens, but the fights are considerably more realistic.

I loved the UFC since inception. I used to rent the tapes from my video store job and watch the shit out of them, back when there were no weight classes and you could totally use your white tiger kung-fu to punish somebody's exposed ball sack.

Short Answer: The Octagon (UFC)

Note: Does it bother anyone else that so often in these old ninja movies, they're using Samurai swords, like katanas and shit, instead of ninjitsu swords? Get a consultant, old movies.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Question: Otto Octavius or Gaius Octavius?

This is like a no contest.

Gaius Octavius, though his seed spawned the likes of Augustus, Caligula, Claudius and Nero, never really achieved the great heights of his progeny. He was basically a diplomat who died on his way to Rome, where he was to be voted in as consul. Maybe.

Otto Octavius, or Doctor Octopus, is one of the great comic book villains. Coming from a home with an abusive father, Otto turned his hatred of his father's behaviour into a passion for higher learning. Inspired by The Vitruvian Man, the great da Vinci sketch, Otto fashioned mechanical arms to help him with his atomic research. An explosion caused the arms and the harness to be fused onto his body.

I like Doc Ock's origin a lot because interwoven within the typical crap, is an interesting relationship with Mommy. She protects him as best she can from dad, but she also has some latent hatred for the sort of man her husband is. When Otto meets a woman, she's not good enough for Mommy. Otto eventually 'kills' his mother by getting angry at her for dating someone beneath her station - unforgivable and hypocritical behaviour to Otto - as she has a heart-attack during the exchange.

Alienated from parents and companionship, the accidental explosion rewires his brain, either due to latent mutant abilities or just the brian's coping mechanism in having to deal with extra limbs. He embraces his villainy with all arms, yet manages to retain his depth as a human being.

In the Sam Raimi movie, Otto is a brilliant portrayal of the classic villain. The sort who doesn't even know he's the villain, because his pursuit is noble. Though not always portrayed this way in comics, it solidified him for many as the wonderful character he is.

Short Answer: Otto Octavius.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Question: What should the holidays mean to people?

First and foremost, money for big business.

Then, an excuse to be a little nicer, 'cause normally people are fucking pricks.

Then, a reason to get drunk.

It also means family, and having to see them. Which for most is traumatic.

And often it means eating until you hate food.

This is what it means.

What should it mean?

I'm not sure I'm arrogant enough to hypothesize that it should mean anything other than what it already does. The idea of taking it too seriously contains the same pitfalls taking anything too seriously does. (Except for the Atari game Pitfall, which you do have to take very seriously, because the pitfalls are actual pitfalls.)

I'd like to think that people take advantage of the positives, but if I could chose one thing that it should mean, it would be that the holidays shouldn't be all that special for the good reasons. It should be an example of how you can feel, how thankful you can be, how well you can handle your parents, how nice you are to others. And it shouldn't be any different for the rest of the year. If people behaved like it was the holidays every day, maybe we wouldn't have horrible things like celebrity dance shows.

Short Answer: The holidays should mean less, but should set an example for better behaviour.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Question: Football or fütball?

I'm going to interpret this question as 'American Football or Soccer' not as 'one spelling of football versus another', just in case there were some varying interpretations.

I have a longstanding involvement with both football and soccer. I started playing the sport of soccer when I was eight years old, and played competitively in one form or another for most of my young life. I even went to Europe and played soccer there.

I started playing football when I was thirteen, and I played for only a few years. I had success in that sport as well, and I think I still hold a couple of yards per game and points scored per game records.

Soccer was the thing that I was best at. There are times when I wonder if it still is, and that I should have pursued it. Not that I would've been a great star, I never had the proper mentality, but there are lots of leagues in the world, and lots of ways to make a living. If it was the thing I was best at, maybe I should've pursued it for my career.

Football was a wonderful experience. The first time I realized I didn't have to kick the ball past someone to beat them, that I could just run around them, was a glorious moment. Football came easy to me, and I loved it.

The major difference in the sports for me was the way they were coached. I had soccer coaches of varying approaches and backgrounds and philosophies. Football is different. It's like the army, and your coaches are the drill sergeants. I had a football coach have to be held back by another once, because he was going to beat the shit out of me. The reason? I wouldn't tie my shoes up during warm up. I was fourteen, and he was over forty. Awesome.

Nowadays, I watch more soccer than football, and it is clearly my preference. It has always been my favorite sport, and probably always will be, despite how engaging both hockey and football can be. Soccer has an amazing, natural flow that you don't find in other sports. I love the strategies and the intensity of football, that's for sure, but I never settle into it the way I do with soccer. Football is strong coffee, whereas soccer is meaty stew on a cold, autumn day.

Food and drink analogies!

I just thought of something. If you read this, thinking of soccer as football, every time I say football in reference to American football, it probably confuses you.

Wow, this answer is pretty long. See, that's the problem with nostalgia sometimes, you start thinking about the good ol' days, and all those sports memories and before you know it, everyone in the room is asleep.


Short Answer: Football is the answer. Meaning soccer. Meaning fütball .

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Question: Who likes turkey?

The Native Americans. You know, when they sat down at a long, festive table with the Puritans, complete with beautifully crafted centerpieces and no mindless slaughter at all.

I wonder how many things we celebrate nowadays that we link to the past as incorrectly as Thanksgiving? It's kinda like if we celebrated Christmas because back in the middle ages, someone had crucified a jolly old man in a red suit and then gave his organs away to the crowd.

I love turkey. I eat it all the time, in ground up form. That doesn't keep me from enjoying a turkey dinner, though. That's something special. And I never gorge myself as close to involuntary purge as I do at the Thanksgiving table.

One of my favorite things is stuffing, or dressing as it's called where I'm from. The last few years, I've taken to making crazy stuffings, with all kinds of dark breads and tasty sausages. It's been fun. Plus, my friend brines the turkey that she makes. If you've never brined a turkey, you're fuckin' up.

You know who else likes turkey? Chickens. They get a day off from being murdered and gravied, and that's gotta be nice.

By the way, in case you didn't know, that whole thing about turkey making you sleepy is bullshit. It has an amino acid called tryptophan in it, that does make you a little sleepy, but there isn't any more in turkey than there is in chicken. It's found in all sorts of food, like milk and chocolate and other meats. The reason you get tired after turkey dinner is more because of the carbohydrates or the simple fact that you ate way too much, fatty.

Short Answer: The first story I remember writing was a tale of a turkey on Thanksgiving day. He was madly flipping through a calendar, to check the date, when the farmer came in with a gun and shot him. I was very, very young when I wrote that.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Question: Roxette or The Pretenders?


1) Look. Roxette. They had a song called The Look, for christ's sake.

2) Album. Pretenders, The Pretenders (1980). Coming in at 155 on Rolling Stone's Greatest Album of all times, it's probably regarded a little more highly than 'Look Sharp' or 'Joyride', Roxette's two best albums. I also like Last of the Independents by The Pretenders as a second choice.

3) Song. I'll Stand by You. The Pretenders. Shut up! That song is awesome!

4) Hot and Sexiness. Roxette. I wanted to bang the chick from Roxette; never really wanted to bang Chrissie Hynde from The Pretenders. Probably rather bone the dude from Roxette then Chrissie Hynde.

5) Career. The Pretenders. Hynde has kept them going - if not strong - for over thirty years. Roxette...I don't know. But this was actually a close call, and more based on people's perceived reputations of the bands. Roxette actually had more commercial success, in both awards and number one hits, and their album 'Look Sharp' is arguably the most successful from either band's entire discography.

Short Answer: The Pretenders!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Question: Where did the term 'ham-fisted' come from?

When it comes to the term ham-handed, or ham-fisted - meaning 'to be clumsy with ones hands' - there are a couple of different battling etymologies (also the title of a new show on SyFy hosted by the least successful member of some boy band/comedy group).

The first comes from a name, believe it or not. Joseph Hamphist was a printing press engineer in the aughts who was responsible for a ridiculous amount of workplace injuries. (Just imagine him coming into work every morning, stamping his card, then banging his head on the '1 day since last accident sign, knocking the 1 off to reveal a 0.)

The presses themselves had to be stopped so many times, that not only was the term 'hamphisted' born, it also created the ever-popular saying, 'stop the presses.' Or the more accurate, lengthened version, "Stop the presses, Hamphist just took another shit."

The second of the battling etymologies (10 PM Central on Friday) is the story of Jerry the Butcher Tate, a face-punching engineer in the aughts who was responsible for a ridiculous amount of workplace injuries. (Just imagine a huge Irish-American punching someone in the face until they pee.)

Jerry was notorious for having smelly pork hands, and the gloves were so thin back then that other fighters would complain that when he jabbed, it smelled like a Sunday roast. There is even a famous caricature drawn of Jerry Tate that shows him ready for fisticuffs, with pineapple rings and cherries speared into his gloves. There was also a well-circulated cartoon of the Butcher in his corner of the ring and his opponent sitting in the center at a dinner table with his fork and knife in hand, table cloth tucked into his boxing robe.

Some would claim, incorrectly, that there is a sexual connotation to the term ham-fisted, either along the lines of doing a sexual act to a pig, or jamming a bunch of cold cuts into some well-greased lady parts, but these interpretations are inaccurate. Fisting wasn't even invented until a teenage David Hasselhoff got DRUNK, and that was some time in the sixties, probably.

Short Answer: What a bunch of nonsense. Obviously, fisting has been around since Caligula. Wait, boxing robe? Does that sound right?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Question: Why do you love Halloween so much?

It's a bit early for Halloween themed questions, but I know the rules, so I'll fess up.

I had my most tender bi-curious moment around Halloween.

Okay, that's not true. I wish it was. The only bi-curious moment's I've ever had were fucking rough.

I love Fall, to begin with. The weather, nature, having my window open a crack to let the cold air into the bedroom. Love it. And I also love scary shit and horror movies. So Halloween is a no-brainer in terms of enjoyment.

The big thing I do is the old Hallowen Horror Day movie marathon, which I've been up to in one form or another for nearly twenty years. Oh, and I eat a shit load of those little candy bars. I've already started. I don't even like chocolate all that much, but fuck it! I'm an adult! If I want to eat candy bars all month because 'the man' says I'm not allowed to trick and/or treat anymore, than I friggin' will, yo!

Anyways, Halloween is the tits. I have a lot of good memories growing up around Halloween that make me nostalgic, and nostalgia is powerful (and the main reason that Christmas is and will always be the best holiday). I remember after growing up on the east coast, the first Halloween I spent on the west coast. I wore shorts instead of a snowsuit.

I remember all the times I went to parties where girls were scantily clad and frisky as hell. I remember the horror movies I watched, and which girl was next to at the time. Most of my fondest memories of the women in my life have been connected to what horror movie we were watching.

My wife loves all kinds of horror movies. That's the only reason I married her. Having nice boobs and being hilarious is overrated.

Short Answer: The best part of Halloween is the fact that blood, gore, nastiness and all that good stuff is the order of the day, and I don't have to feel as much like a freak. Instead of picturing someone with blood all over their face, they actually have blood all over their face.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Question: What are your top ten, top ten lists from these past 3 years of being asked anything?

I thought this was a rather timely and fitting question after I just did four lists in a row. So, to top off list week, I'll give this a go.

Top Ten Top Ten Lists from Ask Keith Anything

10) Top Ten Reasons I can't do a Top Nine List Instead

9) Top Ten Reasons to High Five

8) Top Ten Awesomest Quotes That I Like and Think are Awesome

7) Top Ten Rules

6) Top Ten Vampire Movies

5) Top Ten New Colors

4) Top Ten Things Worse than That Thing

3) Top Ten Character Names (Sheen, Elwes, Reinhold, Kilmer)

2) Top Ten Things to do on a Hot Day

1) Top Ten Things I've Done Simultaneously

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions:


Topical Jokes

Up the Butt

and the most meta thing ever...

Top Ten Top Ten Lists

Note: When I did the search of my blog, I looked for the words Top Ten, and didn't think to look for the number 10 for questions that didn't initially ask for lists. So here's a few more Honorable Mentions:

Euphemisms for Sex

Racist Neighbor

Things I Miss

Swear Word Replacement

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Question: What are your top five (or ten) favourite onomatopoeia?

Holy shit, it must be list week. This will be the fourth list in a row. Franz Liszt would be so proud!

(Gets punched in face by ghost of Franz Liszt.)

Top Ten Ghost Punches

I mean...

Top Ten Favorite Onomatopoeia

10) Plop (the sound of plopping)
9) Vroom (the sound of hurrying)
8) Omnomnom (the sound of shark pictures)
7) Bang (what I do to your precious female family members)
6) Cliché (the sound of making a printing press plate with common phrases)
5) Quiquiriqui (Cock-a-doodle-do in some Latin countries)
4) Blimp (the sound of smacking a blimp)
3) Bumblebee (yep, that's supposed to be the sound it makes)
2) Poop (originally the sound of a horn. A bum horn.)
1) Marauder (from the French 'maraud', the sound a horny cat makes)

Short Answer: For the record, you do not want to be haunted by the ghost of Franz Liszt. That dude was scary looking.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Question: What are the top ten movies coming out soon, that you are most excited to see?

As of October 7th:

Top Ten 'Coming Soon' Movies that I'm Excited to See

10) Nymphomaniac. I loves me some Lars Von Trier. After the artistic abortion dumpling that was Melancholia, I'm hoping he can bring back some Dogville/Anti-Christ level awesomeness.
9) Thor: The Dark World. Stupid title. But Thor's in it, so...
8) Machete Kills. The first ten minutes of the first Machete were my favorite ten minutes of the year.
7) X-Men: Days of Future Past. Hoping Bryan Singer can return with a bang. The story is going to be complex and full of muties, which is a little worrisome.
6) Hellbenders. I really like the trailer for this wacky little film. Priests let themselves be possessed to deal with the real baddy demons, then kill themselves. Nice.
5) Horns. The Joe Hill (Stephen King's kid) penned novel, starring Daniel (Harry Potter) Radcliffe.
4) Godzilla. Can't help myself but be excited. When I saw the crazy spikes on his back in the teaser, a little pee came out.
3) Maniac. A remake, yes, but horror fan Elijah Wood - one of my favorites - is starring. Looks traumatic.
2) Ender's Game. I'm not expecting much, though I am excited to see how one of the great science fiction novels looks on screen.
1) Tyler Perry's a Madea Christmas. Just kidding.
1) Oldboy. Hard not to be curious what Spike Lee's going to do to this foreign gem.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Snowpiercer, The Counselor, Man of Tai Chi, Bad Grandpa, Don Jon, 47 Ronin, Anchorman 2, Dumb and Dumber To, and dare I say Star Wars?

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Question: What are the top 10 best (or worst) TV series endings?

Well, obviously I can't choose. I'll have to do both.

Here comes the spoileriest blog post ever. I bet no one even clicks on this link for fear I'll ruin a show they haven't seen; so to mitigate that loss of traffic, I'll do two top fives.

(Funny, most series fall somewhere in the middle, and even some of those that are considered 'best' by some are considered 'worst' by others. Take Seinfeld and Roseanne as example.

Top Five Worst TV Series Endings

5) Lost. Fuck lost.
4) Roseanne. Turns out, they didn't win the lottery after all. In fact, the series is a novel being written by Roseanne, and John Goodman's character has been dead for years. Ouch. (This is one of those ones that's creative enough to be almost good.)
3) Quantum Leap. "Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home."
2) Dinosaurs. Yea, this show ends with the daddy dinosaur explaining that they're all boned, ice-age style. Strange choice, family show.
1) Dexter. A great show that was arguably two or three seasons too long. Not so bad as arguably being one episode too long. This was a shit.

Top Five Best TV Series Endings

5) Seinfeld. They end up in jail, just bickering at each other as though nothing has changed. Some hated this. I thought it was perfect.
4) Freaks and Geeks. I loved this show, and fell for all the characters. Watching them move on with their lives was tough.
3) Cheers. Nothing special, just Sam choosing the bar, and things go on without us.
2) Six Feet Under. Odd to find out how everybody eventually dies at the end of a series. This show was so good it would've been hard to fuck up the ending; instead they went the other way.
1) Twin Peaks. Iconic for a reason. In the end, our hero is beaten.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to MASH, a show everyone loves and considers great, but also a show I could never get into.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Question: Who are the top ten comedians doing it real and doing it well right now?

This is a meaty subject for me.

Let's get some funny business out of the way up front, so you're not searching for names as you go through the list.

First thing, no women made my list. I was surprised, because I'm a big fan of Ellen's stand-up, and I watched the shit out of Amy Shumer's sketch show. Including Sarah Silverman, these three ladies have always been favorites of mine. But Ellen isn't really doing stand-up right now (or like Bill Maher, she's excelling to such a degree in another area that I don't think of her as a stand-up), and the other girls aren't as free form and flowy as my favorites.

Secondably, I left off  Reggie Watts and Tim Minchin, two favorites that I had trouble comparing and ranking because of their musical penchants.

And for Honorable Mentions, Russell Peters is out there ripping it up worldwide, Bill Cosby is still at it even though he's 304, and Dave Chappelle just started up again. By the way, if this list was made when Chappelle was going strong, he'd have been #2.

Top Ten Stand-Up Comedians

10) Chris Rock. You know that think where comedians say their set up line over and over? Like they're either riling up the audience or stalling to try and remember the bit? It's the reason I couldn't get into Jamie Foxx as a stand-up, and the reason Chris Rock is this low. Otherwise, one of the best.
9) Kevin Hart. Since discovering how good he is, I keep noticing him in movies. He's annoying in them, and not very funny. This man shines when he's being real and vulnerable, two of the best things a stand-up can be.
8) Jim Jefferies. I loves me a good swear word, and Jim Jefferies is full of them. I like the way he talks candidly, without shying away from the offensive. Cunt. (That's the longest interval between the introduction of Jefferies and the word cunt ever.)
7) Lewis Black. Probably my wife's favorite stand-up, no one does crazed annoyance like Black. And that's saying something in the world of comedy.
6) Bill Burr. You know a guy's really funny when he goes on a talk show, sits in the chair, and destroys. When everybody is hanging and laughing on his every word. Bill Burr has got a little of the other Bill in him, methinks. You know the one.
5) Ricky Gervais. A little out of place, except for the fact that he fucking kills when he's doing stand up. Maybe the overall funniest man on the planet.
4) Jim Gaffigan. He doesn't swear, and mostly talks about food. And he's amazingly funny.
3) Daniel Tosh. I find Tosh's modern sensibility, scathing delivery and ability to laugh at his own absurdity and style very entertaining. I also like any stand-up that doesn't seem to give a fuck who they offend.
2) Patton Oswalt. The premiere nerd flag-waver of the comedy circuit, Oswalt has become famous for flashing the absurdity signal at pop culture. Acts and writes, as well, like many of the best comedians in the world.
1) Louis C.K. This is a no-brainer for me. I think Louis C.K. is the best stand-up comedian of all time. (Yes, I know who Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor and George Carlin were.) Louis is the best, and getting better all the time. And he's number one on this list because he's not dead yet.

Short Answer: There are so many rad, young comedians out there. In a few years, the list will be drastically changed.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Question: I have read every single one of your bloggy entries. How does that make you feel?


Fucking good.

Just the last few days my traffic has been down (for no conceivable reason) so this comes at a very opportune time.

There are benefits to this blog that are purely selfish. For those who don't know, I write fiction, and I find getting up in the morning and doing my blog is like stretching the old brain pan. It gets me sitting, gets me working, gets me writing.

But that doesn't mean it's a journal. I don't do it to take down all my inside thoughts, or cleanse myself of negative feelings. I chose this format to entertain people. So it goes without writing that I need people to actually read the damn thing.

I often tell me friends they shouldn't feel like they need to read the blog. They know my humour; they can get it from the source. But when they do read it, and refer something back to it, it makes me feel like I haven't been wasting my motherfuckin' time for three years. That's tasty affirmation.

The fact that you sir or ma'am have read every entry can mean only one thing. You are bored in prison. No, it can only mean that you understand what I'm doing here. That the goal is to entertain, and any perceived self-indulgence is just to further the character and the delivery, and therefore further the enjoyment.

So thanks for getting it.

(Okay, maybe there's a little self-indulgence once in a while. Shhhhh! Don't tell.)

Short Answer: There's probably a whole bunch of other stuff you should be doing with your time.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Question: Where'd you get your manners?

My grandmother was a very astute woman, and liked to keep us up to snuff on all things mannerly by inducing in us an appreciation of the finer things in life. On occasion, she would gather is into a row and quiz us on the best manner of being in various social situations, and if one were to get an answer wrong, then the taffy would be cut off for the rest of the week.

Needless to say, we studied hard and rarely got the answers wrong. Grandmother's taffy was legendary.

As I grew older, I developed my own appreciation for manners, and became quite eloquent in my speech, using it to my advantage to further the movement amongst my peers. For this, I was often rewarded with extra time in front of the computer, to look at porn.

Short Answer: I was raised by swear words.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Question: What's the worst thing you ever ate?

In my mind, I've answered this question before in the post "What's the weirdest thing you ever ate?"

But in the spirit of answerage, I'll try to make a differentiation here.

The worst thing I ever ate that was actually supposed to be food was whipped cream flavored with marmite and cucumber.

That was a joke.

The problem is that I don't remember the worst thing I ever ate. I really enjoyed my grandmother's cooking, and my mother's, and I don't recall going to someone's house and being so disgusted that I mouth yarfed my food back onto my plate. It's well documented that I think the cucumber is a douche in salad form but I don't recall the first time I ever ate it.

I do recall being penetrated once by a cucumber, and even though that may explain a few things about my hatred of the vegetable and my love of having things in my butt that are squishy, I wouldn't go so far as to claim I ate it with my butt.

Under-seasoned food in general pisses me off. If something has potential but doesn't arrive at it because someone was too light on the salt and pepper, I get a little angry. Mashed potatoes are a good example. I've had some pretty bland mashed potatoes in the past.

Mashed potatoes is also a pretty bland answer, isn't it?

Chili. I'm not a huge chili fan, but I can make the shit out of it. When I see an aborted concoction of tomatoes, kidney beans and beef with a half-teaspoon of generic chili powder, I want to murder on behalf of all people with face holes. That is not chili. That is under-seasoned beany goulash without the paprika. And no, you can't make chili (at least not with those ingredients) by letting it simmer for half an hour. What do you think you're accomplishing? Letting all the bean flavor out? Softening the ground meat? (You are cooking the rawness out of the tomatoes, which is good, but shut up.)

Short Answer: Squid ink jelly donut.

Note: Don't know why I'm so retarded, but I just realized that the actual question was 'what the worst thing you accidentally ate?' Don't know how I managed to forget what the question was as I was writing it, but whatever. And by the way, the worst thing I accidentally ate was your ability to use the letter S properly. Guess we're both a little retarded.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Question: U mad bro?

I'll go ahead and assume the question is referring to my sanity, not questioning whether or not I'm angry.

But I'm angry.

There's a myth about sanity, that if you question whether or not you're sane, then that's proof that you are in fact sane.

The truth is that everyone, sane or otherwise, questions their sanity from time to time. And the beauty of that is, most don't ever go into great detail about what kind of intense nonsense is in their own heads, so they have no idea what to compare their crazy thoughts to.

For example. "I think about drowning elephants a lot, but I have no desire to choke someone to death. I'm weird, but I'm probably not crazy."

That person doesn't really know shit. For all they know, thinking about drowning elephants is the craziest thing a human could possibly do.

Tasting feces. I think that's the best barometer. If you like the taste of feces, you're probably crazy, if you don't, big surprise, feces taste gross and you're normal.

Ah-ha! Busted with a turd in your hand! Don't eat feces! That's crazy!

See how complicated this can be?

Short Answer: I love when Prince asks me questions.