Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Question: If someone offers you a million dollars and their shoes are mostly duct tape, what then?

I'm a 'see the money up front' type of guy on any regular day, and it goes against a lot of my instincts to perform heinous acts of sexual degradation on people without proper, comfortable footwear, so this is a bullet I expect to dodge on a regular basis.

I'm making the assumption, of course, that they want me to do something nasty with my face and their balls for this million dollars, but that might not be the case. If they want to just give me a million dollars, and their next sentence isn't 'meet me at the slaughterhouse after dark' I might wait and see what they're up to.

Maybe it's a time traveller, or one of those executives who owns a huge company, slumming it for publicity or to make the world a better place or some shit. He might just want a ride to the airport, and then a girl in a bikini will come marching out of the terminal with a school band, and some dopey, no personality host like Mario whatever his name is (Lopez, Gomez?) will tell me I'm on candid acts of bullshit and give me an oversized cheque for a bazillion whammos.

That's how those shows work, right?

Most days, I'd probably pay little attention to someone offering a million dollars. The chances it won't get my knees scuffed up are slim to none in my book.

Short Answer: My book is full of blowjobs.

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