Monday, September 30, 2013

Question: Why are you always late?

If I'm late it's because your mother was begging for round two.

And I'm a gentleman.

Seriously, I try to be on time. I have good intentions. I think there must be some sort of magical, mathematical formula that explains the correlation between the desire to be on time and the unavoidable lateness that occurs due to that desire.

What often happens is that I'm ready too early. And than I get restless 'cause I don't want to stand around waiting, so I start doing something (like a close female relative of yours) and it takes longer than I thought it would.

(Look, your sister can be demanding, with all that 'Not yet, not yet, now pull out your thumb' nonsense. It's trying; you should have more sympathy. You know what she's like.)

I guess the real problem is I don't like being early, you know, 'cause I'm so cool. So I try to time it so I always show up within five minutes of expected arrival time. That's why I'm often five to ten minutes late. To my credit, I'm rarely much later than that. (If I am, don't bother calling your mother or your sister. They are in...dis...posed.)

Short Answer: This question is inaccurate. I'm generally a punctual fellow.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Question: What are your thoughts on Iran coming to the table for nuclear talks for the first time in 30 years?

I have almost no thoughts on this.

It's such a ridiculous abstraction to me that we could annihilate all life on this planet, any one of us, by setting off these devices.

The face that 'talks' or 'politics' or 'posturing' happens anywhere near, around or about nuclear weapons is terrifying and stupid. They shouldn't exist, the end. The fact that they do, and that the only way to keep some moron from killing us all is by having more nukes than them, is...

Whatever. Good for them, if there's any legitimacy to their intention. But I don't care to pay attention. If you have to go to talks to know you shouldn't murder human beings, you fall under the category of people I won't give my time to.

Man, thinking about this kinda stuff is depressing. Good thing there's boobs to wash the Iranian taste out of my mouth.

Short Answer: I stole that line from the hairiest porno I've ever watched.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Question: Tell me what you think about me?

Okay, very funny.

This took me a second. I thought it sounded like a Destiny's Child lyric, then when I looked it up, the line is actually "Question, tell me what you think about me?"

Strike one, Independent Women! That's not even a fucking question!

Strike two and three, the other two members of Destiny's Child who didn't go on to sing Irreplaceable.

I watched that Beyoncé documentary, and I don't know what I was expecting, exactly. I mean, I'm not a celebrity worship kind of person (unless it's self-worship) so I assume that most celebs are normal people. But when you watch a movie like that, you kinda figure you'll get some crazy, like that scene from the old Michael Jackson expose where they shut down the antique store and Michael walks through saying, "That, and that, and two of those" just shelling out coin like he was Mario at a bris. (?)

But Beyoncé was totally normal. And Jay-Z seems pretty normal two. The craziest thing they do is naming baby's weird, and that's been celebrity standard since ever.

Anywhozits, if this question wasn't in fact about Destiny's Child (seriously, how fucking awful is that for a band name?), then I suppose I'd have to say I think you're a fat, lazy idiot. Just a guess.


Short Answer: You must not know 'bout me. I could have other blog readers in a minute.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Question: Over enthusiastic cattle herders...Theme Song!

Another classic question for the ever popular blog site: SayRandomShitAtKeith

Do you want me to write the song?

I'm gonna write the song.

Their cattle prods, are extra long.
And that's not talking about their shlongs
They ride their horse until they come
And that's not talking about your mom

Over enthusiastic cattle herders.
They'll make sexual innuendos
And also get their cattle to the right area

Over enthusiastic cattle herders
They like to work hard and play hard
Both things mean finishing.

Dah-Tah!

Short Answer: I'm too something for this shit.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Question: Anybody gonna take care of this?

That sounds like a messy clean up to me, and I have a bad back/have to wash my hair/have a headache/have a soap allergy/don't know where the mop/paper towels/Mr. Clean magic eraser/bleach is/are and my wife/girlfriend/fiancée/mistress/prostitute/ is pretty tired/drunk/lazy/drugged-up/dangerously horny/diseased/on laudanum so I'd better be heading out straight away.

Oh, you're a sassy broad, are you? Referring to your lady bits/meat drapes/pork slippers/vagtables/clitirosaurus/inside-out goo pouch like that. Sure, I'll take care of it/fuck it/grease it with melon runoff/apply hot therapy/convince the badger to poke its head out/play sticky with it/entertain the spelunker/jazz up the place/insinuate sexual relations as long as you're willing to bend yourself backwards over this anvil/put on this Liza wig/talk dirty into my empty sock/breath out the sour cream and onion fumes after eating most of my Pringles/call your dad before you finish/make a dirty pie/elevate the art form/blow me with five to seven marbles in your mouth.

No? You just want me to go? I understand. I won't bother you again/send you emoticons at a funeral/tell you that your slippers are cozy/poke your dog in the eye/carry on a conversation with your landlady when you're not in the apartment/call child protective services and claim that you're 'grumpy'/stick to the ceiling above your bed like a sludgy octopus/wait for you in the dumpster with glitter.

We're cool.

Short Answer/Tiny Response/Final Quip/Extra Joke/Summary Line: I'm pretty sure it was like that when I got here.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Question: I've got this really nasty scab on my knee and I'm not sure what to do. Any tips?

Drag your knee across the carpet as hard as you can.

Do you have a lighter? You can always curl up the edges on that bad boy, then slide a razor blade under there.

You could soak it underwater until it gets pale grey and then chew it off. Add hot sauce to mask the flavor and melted cheese to mask the texture.

Wait, I got it. Find another person with a similar scab and rub those two scabs together until they're mostly gone and you've got blood running down your leg. Then make out with that person hard.

You could do some blowjobs on some fat, dirty dudes. You won't notice that you're working the scab off because of the putrid wang between your teeth.

The peanut butter/dog thing will probably work.

Big wad of chewing gum + vacuum cleaner.

Hydrogen peroxide and yelling.

Short Answer: I think scabs are gross. That may have affected my answer.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Question: What's the meaning of life? Just kidding! Who likes butts?

Everyone likes butts. In fact, though you're clearly attempting to be humorous - and successfully so, I might add - one could make the case that liking butts is in fact the meaning of life.

First of all, farts come out of butts, which is the greatest form of comedy ever discovered, just edging out mime beatings, and awkward fellatio.

Second, poop comes out of butts, which is the fourth highest form of comedy ever discovered, and has led to the discovery of more than a million hilarious insights. My favorite being, 'That poop looks like a..."

And thirdly, butts are either where the penis goes, or just above where the penis goes, depending on your orientation (both sexual and physical) and the style of lady that you are. Plus, either butts look like boobs, or boobs look like butts, and that's why when we see them we want to do sex to things. Seems to me like procreation and jollies should be involved in whatever the meaning of life is.

In conclusion, butts are wonderful, hilarious and sexy, sometimes all at the same time. Though sometimes the wires get crossed, and it's supposed to be sexy, and then something bad happens, and it's not so sexy.

I'm not specifically talking about Spontaneous Bowel Evacuation. There are lesser animals that can go wrong when in and around the butt area.

You know, I'm starting to think that liking butts isn't the meaning of life after all. The meaning of life shouldn't have a smell.

Short Answer: Oh well. Guess the question remains unanswered for now.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Question: How did you feel about the Emmys last night?

Yawn.

The first twenty minutes or so were pretty good. I laughed a few times, and enjoyed the categories. Then I got bored so fast that I did something I almost never do while watching TV. I started to read something. Didn't make a choice, didn't weigh my options, just stood up, got a book and sat back down.

I looked up for the quasi-witty mid-show number that by its own admission was totally unnecessary. I remember Will Ferrell showing up and doing a bit that didn't work all that well that everyone pretended to like anyway because they were so happy for the diversion.

I think Michel Douglas made a couple of raunchy jokes that were pretty good. Someone complained about the teleprompter not working, and NPH got a single laugh in the second half, while looking like he simultaneous was super chill and trying to hurry things along.

What was with having people who won awards giving the next awards? That takes the speech away. Is that like how they bargain them down, now? "You're going to win, but only if you forego your speech and be a presenter."

Other than that, I recall a lot of my favorite actors and shows being swallowed up by larger, more mainstream fair. As per usual.

What the fuck is Nurse Jackie?

Short Answer: Nice to see Colbert get his gold.

Note: Okay, I felt like I did a crappy job of this. So I went back and looked at the list of winners to remind myself what happened. Really happy about the Veep wins, which is one of the reasons I enjoyed the early part of the show. Obviously happy to see Breaking Bad win things, to prove that quality still counts above all else. Louis C.K. rightfully won for best writing comedy variety for his stand-up special Oh My God, though I don't remember that being in the broadcast. Also dug seeing Newhart, and I think the Newsroom should go fuck itself, even if Jeff Daniels is awesome and hilarious.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Question: What is the biggest Emmy snub this year?

Lots of people are on about Michelle Fairley (Catelyn Stark) from Game of Thrones not getting a nod, but that doesn't bother me all that much. The Good Wife got snubbed in Outstanding Drama, which I'm okay with because who watches the fucking Good Wife? There's a lot of buzz about Tatiana Maslany not getting nominated for Orphan Black, but it's genre, which often gets snubbed, and I couldn't get into that show and thought her Russian (?) accent was pretty silly.

Some people are complaining that Arrested Development should have been recognized more, but the season was put together in such a way that it was hard to appreciate all the great humour that went into it. With a rough format and less happy fans, I understand the oversight.

But enough about what everyone else thinks. I have two points to make.

First point: Hannibal. Specifically, Mads Mikkelson as the titular character. Snub.

Second point: The entire cast of New Girl, specifically, Jake Johnson. This guy is the tits on TV right now, and in my world, gets Emmys showered upon him like a creepy money shot in a low lit porno.

Short Answer: Politics invade, as per usual, and everyone watches another awards show trying to wonder why the best of the best isn't consistently honor. Oh, it's just someone else's opinion? Fuck that! Jake Johnson!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Question: What are the two weirdest things you've done simultaneously?

I've done a lot of things simultaneously. 'Weirdest' is an interesting and interpretable adjective, plus the way the question is worded, it may be that the weird part is about the two things individually, and not the 'weird' quotient when the two things are done at the same time.

Bored yet?

Top Ten Things I've Done Simultaneously - Weird Edition

10) Drinking water while peeing. Water goes in, water goes out. The circle of life, through my trap and peehole. The Trap and Peehole is also the name of my family's oldey time tavern.
9) Having sexual relations while considering whether or not I should answer the phone. Maybe to you, consideration isn't a 'thing' because there's no action involved. But in this particular case, it's substantial to be going through the process of who it might be and if you want to talk to that person while inside another person. (For those who still think this shouldn't count, I did answer the phone. So I was fucking while talking, so there.)
8) Burping and farting. This one's a classic, but it don't make it any less weird. Kinda feels like everyone gets a taste when you let this fly.
7) Getting an erection while having no interest in sex. Again, 'having no interest' may not be an action, but it sure fucking feels like a tangible hindrance when someone wants your bonestuff and you'd rather eat pizza. But I can't say no to boobs, so I gotta push through.
6) Making a phone call while on the toilet. Another one that everyone does and no one admits too. This was invented thirty seconds after the portable phone was invented. "You'll never guess where I'm calling you from. Plop."
5) Giving oral sex while receiving oral sex. I've talked about this on-blog before. Simultaneous mouth buggering (SMB or 69) only works when both people are of the same skill level. Otherwise, one starts to lose focus and stops doing a good job on the bits in their face, and then it becomes awkward position single mouth buggering (AP-SMB or 84).
4) Reading and Sleeping. You might deem that this is normal, but think about it. You know your body wants to go to sleep, but you're fucking determined to get to the end of the chapter, no matter how little information you're actually taking in. Then, you end up having to go back and read over the shit the next day. And you know this. And you try anyway. Weird.
3) Singing and Hiccups. Got laughed out of choir for this. Fuck you, choir.
2) Worrying that you're hurting someone while totally mashing their soft bits. Mostly talking about sex again. Sometimes, when you're in 'trucker needs a sammich' mode and you're really railing on someone's twat, they make a move, or a noise, or a smell, and you think, "Am I totally hurting this person right now? Do they just not want to stop me out of politeness?" This is a weird spot, because you could power through and try to finish quicker out of courtesy, but that means increased punishment. Or you could stop and ask if they're okay, which is bad if they're about to blow it. Also, you look like a sensitive vag, which is fine at times, but not in the middle of taking someone to the outskirts of bonetown to bury them in a shallow bonegrave.
1) Chatting over the internet while masturbating. Technically, I have the courtesy to take my cock out of my hand if I have to communicate with a loved one or relative while amidst the shady, shameful cloud-cover of self annihilation. But there's still a filthy naked woman in another window on my computer, and possibly some dogs and midgets and that video of elephants tromping on tutus that I like so much, so it's still pretty uncouth.

Short Answer: Big surprise that most of this is about bodily functions. Hey, I just did sarcasm while masturbating!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Question: Besides the obvious, what's to be done with a neighbour who shits on your stoop?

First off, I think it's important that I make it perfectly and crystal clear that I don't know what the obvious thing to do is.

This question is like a maze, within a trap with one of those sticky floors. It's hard to navigate an actual answer, because you used the word stoop in conjunction with the act of shitting. This is funny for many, many reasons.

1 - Now I'm picturing the man stooping as he shits on my porch.
2- Stoop is one letter away from stool, which is what the man is leaving behind.
3- Stoop sounds like poop, which is what the man is doing/leaving behind.

You get the drift.

I guess it all depends on my neighbor's motivation. If he's doing it because he's super drunk, than I probably wouldn't do anything but get the hose. But if this was a vengeful or malice filled stoop pooping, I would be inclined to ask him to clean it off himself, or with his wife's filthy whore face.

Moving forward, I would dislike him.

Short Answer: Boom! Take that, neighbor who shits in a strange position!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Question: How do I express my distaste for things in a useful way?

When expressing distaste, I'm a big fan of terrible noises, like "Bluh" and "Glark" and "Flugue". But I guess that isn't useful, unless there's a bulimic nearby who hears you and thinks, "Wow, puking sounds awful, I think I'll stop doing it a lot."

Sadly, expressing your distaste in a useful way is probably only possible through oration, but then you're either a soap-boxing twit, or a politician, two things you never want to be.

I'd say the only way to truly express distaste usefully is if you think of whatever method you've chosen as expelling those particular demons, therefore it is useful to you. Letting it out - as the bulimic understands - is better than keeping it in. I'd like to think that every time something distasteful happens and I'm all like, "Blarph!" I've lessened the damage to myself in a significant way. Hell, if you think about it this way, every expression of distaste is a useful one, 'cause it lets all the stank out.

Short Answer: A lot of things that would help with my expressions of distaste are sadly illegal, like throat-punching, random cuppages, and murderousness.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Question: Is there more to the story?

Rule #1 - Don't criticize the question. You want people to engage, to interact with your blog, to spread humour and positivity throughout the multiverse.

Rule #2 - Write the rest of the rules soon.

This is tough. So far I only have one rule, and my instinct upon reading this question was to break said rule.

I'll try to say it nice.

This is some pretty vague shit right here.

Yes, there's almost always more to the story. More that the author chose not to write, or more that the reporter couldn't find a source for, or more that didn't fit the politician's agenda when approving the speech. More, more, more.

Ask JK Rowling. Apparently there's even more to that long-ass story.

Short Answer: There's more to this short answer, too. My repugnant expression, for one.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Question: If a friend asks you to be his best man but the marriage is a sham, how do you bow out gracefully?

As a potential best man, it's not your job to judge the groom, his choices, his marriage, his wedding, his shoes or anything else. It's your job to assess the talent of the bridesmaids and start thinking about trying to fuck them.

I think the only reason to ever say no to being best man is if you have some aversion to fun, strippers, feeling special, feeling strippers, fun feelings, stripper fun, or free cake.

Seriously, being the best man is the greatest thing ever. You get to make a speech, and you're kind of expected to be a little drunk and say inappropriate shit. If the maid of honor is single, no matter what you look like or act like, she will fuck you. And fucking someone wearing purple taffeta on a washing machine is pretty badass, even were you not in attendance at a wedding reception.

I guess if you feel you have to bow out, because you've decided that being someone's best man is somehow an endorsement of their life choices, you could try saying something like, "I'm not a very good friend." That'll get the whole thing across in a hurry.

Short Answer: There's no graceful way to tell someone who thinks you're their best friend that you're not. Maybe it would suit you to try something passive like, "I'm going to be sick that day."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Question: How are the Vancouver Canucks going to fare under the reign of Tortorella?

I'm literally exhausted by this. I've spent years defending a very good Canucks team from its so-called fans. Now, with the strange year Gillis had, the changes to the lineup and the slightly lower expectations, I'm pretty much settling in to wait and see mode.

When they first hired Torts, I was in the camp of, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

But as always, my desire to see my team perform well has won out, and I've tried to find some positives in the hiring. I won't go into them. Tortorella's resume is of public record, and you don't get the job of head coach in the NHL without some obvious positives. I think the main issue for a lot of people was the fact that Vigneault was such a laid back dude, and he brought a lot of success to the organization, and with basically the same core of players, we've brought in the opposite sort of coach.

Of course we don't know that's he's the opposite sort of coach, not really. And we don't know what goes on behind closed locker room doors. And we don't know that if he is a total raging d-bag, that it might not be exactly what our team needs to get over the hump and win the Cup.

So positivity moving forward, and a little doubt over decreased depth throughout our lineup, and the fear that Torts will find and vilify a good, offensive player the way he tore apart so many in New York. Less likely, though; a lot of our guys are good, responsible players. Good thing Mason Raymond's gone. I think Torts might have strangled him to death on day three.

Short Answer: Might be good for Kesler, that's what I'm thinking. And we all know what that means for our team if Kesler is the threat he was a few years back.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Question: Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, or Demi Moore in Striptease?

Possibly the hardest question anyone has ever asked me.

Okay, let's do a checklist, because that's the only way I'm going to be able to come to a conclusion. Both of these ladies, in both of these respective movies, are gnarly and unattractive.

1) Boobs. Oh dear god. This is a right mess. Elizabeth Berkley has those not round enough, not full enough, not quite pear shaped boobs that only look good braless and in a slinky dress, and then you're disappointed when the dress comes off. Demi Moore has those awful bolt-on implants that feel like you're being head butted by two bald men when she lies down on top of you. I can't believe I'm saying this, but just because they're natural, checkmark goes to:

Berkley

2) Butts. Maybe I was a bit too hard on Berkley's boobs, because the ass situation is a fuckin' wreck. She's got one of those flat, old lady asses with no plumpness at the base. There's some hippage, which is good, but the thickness stops too high. Demi Moore's not looking much better. Already a ways past her prime, she doesn't have much buttock to like either. She's a little more fit looking, which gives the impression that she has more butt. It's not good, but it's not as blatantly off-putting as the alternative.

Moore

3) Rest of the Body. Berkley was younger at the time, and still fit in a natural way. Moore's got that approaching forty have to work hard to stay fit body that doesn't do it for me. At times, seeing Berkley naked in Showgirls ain't so bad. While besides the towel/blow-dryer scene in Striptease, Moore is not attractive in the slightest.

Berkley

4) Stripper-ness. They both worked awfully hard learning how to be whores. I know this because they aren't very good at it. They've both got that over the hill, nightclub waitress trying to feed her kids grodiness. They flex too hard, act a little too nasty, and have no natural magnetism. This might be a great and accurate portrayal of strippers, but it don't do it for me.

Tie

5) Performance. As actresses, neither one of them are knocking it out of the park. Berkley gets some poor little girl drama, and she overdoes it as all young actresses do. Moore actually has a bit of a story, and has more chops by reams.

Moore

ShortAnswer: And it's a tie! As it should be in my book. These movies are awful, and they nearly killed the careers of all involved, especially the leading ladies. Why the fuck wasn't Kelly Kapowski in Showgirls? Hell, I would've taken Lisa Turtle; she had a nice rack.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Question: Why does reading your blog make me so uncomfortable?

It's probably unsettling to realize there's a person of such incredible yet calloused wit out there in the world, waxing on and off poetic, and scattin' and beboppin' to the sounds of silence and junk.

Either that or you don't like jokes about sex, poop, boobs, rape, murder, sensitive topical issues, sensitive ancient issues, irrelevant nonsense and decapitation.

Or you don't like someone pretending to be a know-it-all for everyone's amusement. Or you don't like amusement. Or you don't like opinions.

Then again, none of these things would necessarily make you uncomfortable. Is it my big dong? That can make people uncomfortable, especially when they hear that thwacking sound when I'm on the trot.

I think if my blog makes you uncomfortable, you're reading it wrong. (First of all, you should probably be on the toilet, but never mind that for now.) There's nothing threatening about a single thing I say; in fact, I propose just the opposite effect. A moment to take absolutely nothing seriously; a chance to read words, actual words, and digest the absurdity of everything and anything, and maybe giggle here or there.

Is it the white letters on black? I knew it! I just wanted the design of the blog to be sharp and simple. I thought going white on black would emphasize the fact that it's just words you're reading. No pictures, no links, no video. Just words, as if words were capable of being worth it all alone.

My bad.

Short Answer: It might be the way you're sitting.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Question: What's the one thing everyone should know about Chopin?

First of all, I totally dig Chopin, so I'm guessing this is either a giant fluke or someone I know asked me this questions.

Fuck you either way.

The only important thing to know about Chopin is that he loved the cock. No, I'm just kidding. Actually I have no idea what Chopin liked to put between his lips. Maybe he did love the cock.
(He was friends with Schumann and Liszt, two other bad ass composers who happen to be dudes.)

Anyway...

Oh shit. He did have a failed relationship with a chick, and then a reported 'relationship' with author George Sand. Did I just stumble onto something?

Anyway, the most -

Oh holy shit. George Sand was actually a chick! What the fuck? This confusion over his sexual preference has become the predominant mystery of Chopin's life!

And therefore...

Short Answer: ...the one thing that everyone should know about Chopin.

Note: There was nothing very interesting about Chopin. He's what you would expect. Child prodigy, wrote great stuff, died too young. And there was no confusion over his sexuality, I'm just dumb.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Question: If someone offers you a million dollars and their shoes are mostly duct tape, what then?

I'm a 'see the money up front' type of guy on any regular day, and it goes against a lot of my instincts to perform heinous acts of sexual degradation on people without proper, comfortable footwear, so this is a bullet I expect to dodge on a regular basis.

I'm making the assumption, of course, that they want me to do something nasty with my face and their balls for this million dollars, but that might not be the case. If they want to just give me a million dollars, and their next sentence isn't 'meet me at the slaughterhouse after dark' I might wait and see what they're up to.

Maybe it's a time traveller, or one of those executives who owns a huge company, slumming it for publicity or to make the world a better place or some shit. He might just want a ride to the airport, and then a girl in a bikini will come marching out of the terminal with a school band, and some dopey, no personality host like Mario whatever his name is (Lopez, Gomez?) will tell me I'm on candid acts of bullshit and give me an oversized cheque for a bazillion whammos.

That's how those shows work, right?

Most days, I'd probably pay little attention to someone offering a million dollars. The chances it won't get my knees scuffed up are slim to none in my book.

Short Answer: My book is full of blowjobs.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Question: Housewife nipple slip?

Surprisingly few results when search engined. I thought maybe this was in reference to a particularly large one. (By large one I mean incident of nipple slippage, not a particularly large nipple. Though that would be a funny headline. 'Housewife has Biggest Nipple on Record'.)

Maybe it reeks of the permeation of these sorts of shows that I instantly thought of the Housewives programs when I saw the word housewife. But let's be clear; I don't watch that shit. That, to me, is some of the worst garbage anyone has ever called entertainment. I know I should give things a chance before judging them, but not this time. Not with this shit. I've seen clips. Clips is enough. Privileged bitches starting fights with each other, then proceeding with those fights with the logic and rationality level of a champagne flute is not my idea of a good time. If I want to watch something to make me feel better about myself, I'll watch my own sex tape.

In my sex tape, I'm wearing a muscle shirt. Explanation over.

If this wasn't about the Real Housewives show, then let me address a regular housewife nipple slip.

I don't think nipple slips are all that sexy. What is sexy is my wife ironing or doing dishes naked. If she was doing these things clothed, and a nipple popped out, it might be cute or funny, but it won't necessarily lead to hanky or panky. But if she's doing it naked, I can often finagle that into a throat hug.

As for a nipple slip from some wife other than my wife, that would be awesome, 'cause I wasn't supposed to see it. Nipple when you're not supposed to nipple is pretty good nipple. Then again, even better if I was supposed to see it, 'cause that means that other person's wife wants me to see that shit for a reason, and that reason is probably filthy. It means my friendship with the husband is over, I guess, but that's okay. He was never nipples to begin with.

Short Answer: I like to see the whole boob. Maybe I'm spoiled.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Question: What is your favourite Kim Mitchell song?

For those not in the know, Kim Mitchell is a Canadian born recording artist who had some hits in the 80s.

When I was a kid I liked 'Easy to Tame' a bunch, but my favorite by a landslide is 'All We Are', where Peter Fredette, Mitchell's long time collaborator, sings the shit out of the chorus while wearing a teal colored blazer, nothing beneath, sleeves rolled up above the elbows. Even though some might claim that he only wears this in the video, I put forth that he probably wears it every time he sings that song. Has to.

To most of your surprise, I don't think about Kim Mitchell all that much. When I went to look for a picture of him, I nearly shit. I remember him as this long haired, ball cap wearing, skinny trucker type dude. I see a picture and he's fully transformed into the guy from Midnight Oil.

He looks like cancer boy from Kids in the Hall got stretched on the rack.

He looks like they deboned an sasquatch with alopecia.

He looks like the brood mother of the giant golden raisin hive.

He looks like an albino albino.

Short Answer: You get the idea. See me drop some more Canadian content in there?


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Question: What did you think of the James Franco roast?

I loved it.

I'm not a huge fan of these roasts. I like the style of humour and I think the freedom to offend, or be risqué or whatever you want to call it, leads comedians down some pretty interesting paths. I love a really good joke that you couldn't tell anywhere else, where everyone laughs and knows they're horrible people. That's a good feeling.

But the Franco roast was better than all that. First, you could tell that many of the people were actually friends, and there was an undertone of that carried through the whole night. It was like watching a group of pals doing this ridiculous thing because they thought it would be a strange and exciting experience.

There also wasn't any crappy celebrity there who sucked. In almost every other roast there's some idiot that's famous trying to be funny, and everyone praises them and licks their butts because they tell a few jokes that someone else wrote for them. That stuffs seems fake and lame.

In the Franco roast, everyone had their own shit, that was clear. And each person did their own thing in exactly the way you expected. And when there were surprises, they were delightful. For example, Hader's 'Hollywood' character and Samberg's intense commitment to his personal style of roasting.

I thought only Leggero came off a little token, but she also had the most scathing joke of the night in relation to hoping that Hader was the Hartman of his generation. Hader's reaction to that was hilarious, as he mouthed, 'Jesus Fucking Christ'. He spent the rest of the night laughing his ass off, which added some contrast and punch to that particular moment.

Short Answer: Definitely my favorite of the comedy central roasts.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Question: In general, what do you think of the bra?

I don't know how I could possibly answer specifically, so I'm not sure I get the 'in general' part. Am I not allowed to comment on specific types of bras, is that it?

If I'm only allowed to comment on an undergarment that - for some women - offers them support and alleviates back pain, then I can honestly say I think that bras are great. But without being able to get into specific types, I don't see how I can express the many nuances of my opinion.

I think you shot yourself in the foot on this one.

I like boobs. I can talk about that specifically. I like boobs in bras, or boobs out of bras. So that's neither condemnation or acceptance of the garment itself; it just happens to be something that's near boobs. Which, again, I like.

I know the bra scares some kids, like they're afraid they can't get it off. Not only is it easy to get a bra off (I use the 'be handsome' method), it's easiest when using one hand. Women don't know this, and some are still impressed by the ability to pop the bra one-handed, so use this to your advantage. Though by the time you're popping bra, you don't need much more advantage. Unless she's an only on top girl. Whatever that means. And by the way, you don't need to practice, either. If you just put your thumb on one side of the clasp and a couple of fingers on the other, and squeeze that shit together, it'll come. Just don't get rattled. It's either thumb over fingers, or fingers over thumb. If in the heat of the moment you fumble, just grab her tightly with your other hand and moan a little. That'll cover your minor trouble, or at least make yourself more endearing to the lady because you're only fumbling because you want it so bad.

What else about bras? I covered boobs. Hey, they cover boobs! Nice.

Short Answer: In all truth, I'm a pretty big fan of no underwear at all. Especially on dudes! Boo-yag!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Question: I've been having trouble getting my husband to finish when we're in bed together? I could use some suggestions?

Have you tried lying there, having a vagina and...oh, that's all men need. Are you sure you aren't squirming around too much, making it hard for him to aim?

Look, I don't mean to be crude, but I assume you've tried putting your husband's penis inside your mouth, because that's the most natural of all sexual acts. So I won't suggest that. By the way, in case I'm being unclear, if you aren't blowing your husband, that's your problem right there. Mystery solved.

Henceforth I will assume that you are A) lying still 2) in possession of a vagina and *) capable of making blowies.

There's only one thing left, and you're not gonna like it...

Butts!

I don't think I need to get into graphic detail, here, but it is possible that your husband has grown a little bored with the 'regular arrangement' and fantasizes about jamming his heated flesh puppet into your recently gravid corn hole. This is not as bad as I'm trying to make it sound. You just have to go slow - fingers first - and make sure you stay as relaxed as you can. Oh, and tell him not to rage in there. You gotta take the butt stuff slow or something's gonna rip.

If regular multiple position sex and blowjobs aren't making him finish, maybe something is actually wrong. Like he's sick, or he's in love with another woman/man. Maybe his job is destroying his ability to be happy, or maybe you nag at him all the time about stupid shit. It could be built up feelings of regret, shame, guilt; or a lack of depth in his life because he feels like he hasn't provided properly for you, or been as available emotionally as you'd like him to be.

The butt sex will cure all of this.

Short Answer: I repeat. All of this.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Question: What are some of your favorite scary words?

exhume
bloodlust
carnage
decapitate
drain
disembowel
haunt
rend
puncture

You know, that sort of thing.

Though I find some regular words scary, too.

chore
appointment
form
bureaucracy
line-up
wait
enthusiastic ('cause it's always proceeded by 'not sufficiently' in rejections)
polyamorous ('cause my wife likes black men a lot and I'm just waiting for her to pop this on me)
spider
reschedule
message

Basically any word that means I'll have to deal with something that I had no intention of dealing with.

Short Answer: I like lots of words. Many of them are not for church.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Question: What do you think of the impending Syrian missile strikes?

I've spoken of this recently. I'm going to take a backseat in terms of morality, but I will say this. If you use nuclear, biological, chemical or radioactive weapons, you're gonna get it, and you just might deserve it.

What's more interesting to me is the possible domestic fallout. Hearing Boehner the other day, giving his little support of Obama speech made me think, "Is that so hard? See how easy it is to not go against everything the guy says?" So foolishly, I've decided that maybe America killing a bunch of people, you know, together, will help with some togetherness on the home front.

It was funny hearing a commentator on CBC radio yesterday saying how this was a 'vote your conscience' vote, and that the representatives wouldn't be pressured to vote their party lines. How fucked up is that? A vote where no one lobbies, and everyone votes how they feel, despite the greediness of their organization. How novel.

Short Answer: I wish America could keep its nose out of other people's business, and at the same time, where would we all be without the biggest gun?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Question: Do you have any opinions about the start of the school year?

I like that the theatres will be less full. Other than that, I couldn't care less. In general, the education system makes me angry, and I don't have a whole lot of fond memories of my time in its gnarly folds. It's fucked that they don't do a good job when you're young, then they bundle you over to larger corporations that pretend to care about your education, but charge you exorbitant costs for every little thing. The cost of college compared to buying and reading a book is a bad formula, and personally I don't understand how it still holds up. The fact that you either have to have lots of money - or incur lots of debt - in order to get a job that pays well, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If people ignored the certificate, and hired people whether they had a diploma or not, based solely on their ability, the system would right itself. Hell, even if you hired numbskulls, and trained them on the job, and docked their pay to do it, most would still come out way ahead of the curve.

Whatever. Recess is cool, I guess.

Short Answer: Forty thousand dollars for a piece of paper versus everything you need to know on line? Hmmmm. The internet will change this, too.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Question: What are you doing this Labor Day weekend?

Answering stupid fucking blog questions, for one.

That in no way is an indictment of this particular blog question, just of my job, and the fact that I don't get a day off from it.

I started today with a couple of bouts of diarrhea. I don't know why we use the word bouts. It's not like I was in the fight at all. I got owned, from start to finish. Diarrhea is the winner.

I'll probably spend the rest of the day desperately trying to avoid my crooked wife, and try not to be so lazy that when I jerk off on myself, I pull away before I get any in my hair. 'Cause who wants to bathe on labor day?

Then, to top it all off, I'll probably wear my white suit. (Crossing fingers that the diarrhea is over and done with.)

Short Answer: I'm not much of a camping, fireworks, go outside, not drink my own pee from an empty Mountain Dew can kinda guy. I like to keep things simple and recycled.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Question: Would you rather be celibate or a vegetarian for a whole year?

The most interesting thing about this question is I think my answer would've been different a few years ago.

I like sexy time as much as the next broheim, but in general I find people's fascination with getting laid a bit ridiculous. And I love meat. I eat meat. I cook meat. Meat.

So as few as maybe five years ago, this would've been a slam dunk for celibacy, 'cause daddy wants bacon.

But something changed. I've come to realize that the desire to fuck is one of the big ones, and that the fuckening is not something to be taken lightly. Not all people are lucky enough to get the fuckery when they want, and even fewer enjoy the person they do the fucking with as much as I do.

Vegetarianism would be a lifestyle choice, both a challenge and a change. And yet the fact that there are health benefits that could be explored is tempting. (Something else that has become more relevant as I get older.) Whereas the benefit of not fucking is getting that 'I want to fuck feeling' and then having to do something else, like mop the floor.

Fuck that.

Short Answer: Vegetarian.