Saturday, August 31, 2013

Question: All your responses seem pretty fiery, is there anything you straight up just don't have an opinion on?

I don't think I'm giving anything away here when I admit that the whole premise of this blog is that you can Ask Keith Anything. Therefore, if someone asks me something, and I - even once - say, "I don't have an opinion about that" then the blog kinda loses its power, don't you think?

Also, under the premise, I know everything. So I also have to answer your question by saying, "I don't necessarily have a fiery opinion about everything, but I have at least some, because I know a lot about the shit you're asking."

The third premise of the blog is advice. Of course I don't know much about your dog's habits, but I go on what you tell me and do my best. Because if I said, "I have no opinion about where your dog shits" you wouldn't ask me anymore questions about where your dog shits. And I sort of thrive on the questions.

I know in the past, when it comes to political stuff in particular, I've ridden a fine line where I almost admit I don't have a particular opinion, but those are special cases. In those, I probably know some shit and don't feel like I want to get into it because it depresses me, or I don't know shit and don't want to learn or fake it because it depresses me. Still, I will try to be entertaining, or at least ornery in an amusing fashion.

Having said all of that, here's a list of things that I don't have an opinion about. But if you were to ask me about any of these things in particular, you'd find that I'd have an opinion toute suite. Because it's my job to have an opinion when you ask. I take great pride in fielding everything, and having the answer sound, how did you put it?, fiery.

Things I don't have an opinion about.

Exchange rates.
Freezer temperature (unless not cold enough, then I care under the "Why the fuck don't things work right?" clause.)
Whether or not there are ice cubes in my drink.
The temperature of my food.
How long I sleep, as long as I don't feel like crap.
Royal babies.
Taco Del Mar.
Irrefutable facts.
Whether or not men should wear tights in ballet.
If there should be elevator music in elevators.
Murder stories on the news.
The dimensions of things.
What side of the street Europeans drive on.
Temporary tattoos.

Short Answer: It's hard to do this because you don't notice the shit you don't care about. There are probably a million.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Questions: Who are your favorite on screen couples? (See how this works? We control you!)


You know what, I'm glad. My first thought was that I liked the classics, but now that I think about it further, I don't much care for many of the accepted great couples in movies. This might be weird, but here goes.

Favorite On Screen Couples

20) Lady and Tramp - Lady and the Tramp (1955) - Also, best on screen kiss.
19) Henry Roth and Lucy Whitmore - 50 First Dates (2004) Of all the Barrymore lovable retard girlfriend roles, this one tugs at me the most.
18) Adam and Katherine - 50/50 (2011) This onscreen romance comes from such an interesting place. I love Kendrick's portrayal of a counsellor in over her head.
17) Tom and Violet - The Five Year Engagement (2012) Segal is like Cusack. Loveable always. Emily Blunt is a fine, emotional actress. Movie good.
16) Bud and Lindsey Brigman - The Abyss (1989) One of the most touching scenes ever, when he's down in the water, communicating with...hold on. One sec. It rained in my eye.
15) Hawkeye and Cora - Last of the Mohicans (1992) My wife would divorce me if this wasn't on here.
14) Mickey Ward and Charlene Fleming - The Fighter (2010) This might be mostly to the credit of Amy Adams, but I believed this couple. Nah that's mean. Wahlberg was great too, otherwise, I wouldn't have wanted them to be together so badly.
13) Harry and Sally - When Harry Met Sally (1989) A classic. Delightful and memorable, charming and witty and sweet.
12) Noah and Allie - The Notebook (2004) When I finally saw this movie, I was actually kind of pissed how much I cared about these two.
11) Willis Davidge and Jeriba Shigan - Enemy Mine (1985) More of a bro-up than a couple, but still, it gives me all the proper, lovey feelings, and all the complexity of a true romance.
10) Westly and Buttercup - The Princess Bride (1987) Not even the dread Pirate Roberts could keep them apart.
9) Micky and Mallory Knox - Natural Born Killers (1994) My favorite of the murderous duos, these two wrecked some shit in the name of love.
8) Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist - Brokeback Mountain (2005) One of the best love stories ever, one of the great on screen couples. Ang Lee makes you believe cowboys can be happy, if only briefly.
7) Andie and Blane - Pretty in Pink (1986) I'm a huge sap for John Hughes. Who isn't? This is the definitive on screen romance from his movies, though there were a lot to choose from.
6) Martin Q. Blanke and Debi Newberry - Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) Another of my favorite all-time films, I absolutely love Minnie Driver in this movie. And Cusack is Cusack, loveable as ever.
5) Phil Connors and Rita - Groundhog Day (1993) This is one of my favorite movies. The love story is central, and when Phil finally gets genuine, the romance is tangible. Bill Murray rules.
4) Joel and Clementine - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - It took me awhile to come around on this one, but now I find it a more than accurate fable of love lost and perseverance in the face of hopelessness. Jim Carrey's best role anyone?
3) Will Hunting and Skylar - Good Will Hunting (1997) - Minnie Driver, you are my Hugh Grant. I love this movie, love this couple, and it's intrinsic to the success of a film that may not even be considered a romance.
2) Pat and Tiffany - Silver Linings Playbook (2012) This felt so real. Easily the best movie of the year for me, all because of these two fuck-ups finding each other in the mire.
1) Melvin and Carol - As Good As It Gets (1997) Yea, it doesn't get much better than this. He's nuts, she's broken. Somehow they fit together, like the cracks on the sidewalk.

Short Answer: Barrymore, Cusack and Segal would've owned this list if I'd allowed for doubles.

(Hey, Minnie Driver is on there twice!)


Note: There are no examples from 'Classic' movies. That's because love wasn't invented on celluloid until the late sixties. Except for dogs.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Question: Do you have a romantic side? Will you tell us some of your favourite screen couples / love scenes?

I think it's clear based on my many posts about hot boobs that I have a large, round romantic side.

Favorite screen couples and favorite love scenes are two very separate categories for me.

A screen couples list for me would be boring. I'm a sap for all the regular stuff. When Harry Met Sally, The Notebook etc.

Instead, I will focus on:

Top 40 Favorite Love Scenes

(as with all these movie lists, there are Spoilers)

40) Society - Weird, B level horror fair where the odd people in town just want to make you have an orgy with them. By the way, you really get into each other at the orgy. Like, really.
39) Crash - The Cronenberg one. You know, with the people who get turned on by collisions. On the list for the fuck the scar scene in particular.
38) Teeth - A young woman has a weird vagina. Late movie come-uppins ensue.
37) Quills - Not a great movie, but this tale of the Marquis de Sade, starring Winslet and Rush is ripe with dirty, dirty stuff. And I did mean ripe, not rife.
36) Rosemary's Baby - Satanic orgy scene. Not for the faint of ovaries.
35) Sea of Love - This scene is gross and hot. It really felt like Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin wanted to bang each other with their greasy bits. The shot of her pinned to the wall is pretty iconic in my spank book.
34) Bug - This is a weird choice, as the whole movie in a way is a love scene, as two people find each other through the crazy. I find the on-the-bed, naked finish fills all the holes of a love scene, without filling any actual holes.
33) Phantasm - The opening graveyard sex scene is movie gold, as we get a Tall Man reveal through the process.
32) Out of Sight - Clooney and Lopez, as directed by Soderbergh, doing a riff on Don't Look Now. The scene evolves, cut with the earlier scenes of them flirting. Nice and sweet.
31) History of Violence - I don't find the love scene on the stairs sexy at all. It's a bit rough to watch, but boy is it important in the texture of the film. Maybe one of the more plot relevant love scenes of this entire list.
30) Jamon, Jamon - Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem , pre-stardom. Saw this movie on showcase when I was young, and have never forgotten that her breasts taste like ham.
29) Basket Case - Large breasted woman fucked by tiny rubber monster.
28) Gozu - Oh, fuck. This is so messed up. Big spoilers if I explain. Let's just say, Takashi Miike is crazy, and the best sex is when someone is grabbing your stuff from the inside.
27) Species - Take your pick, but I guess the iconic scene from Species is when she's giving it to Molina and gets pregnant on the spot.
26) Dead Ringers - More sick shit from Cronenberg. How does a mad OBGYN take out his sexual frustration?
25) May - Another non-traditional love scene, but like Bug, the end of this film feels like love scene to me, as May finally constructs her perfect mate.
24) Angel Heart - Remember this weird fucker? De Niro is the devil, and Rourke gets into one of the Cosby kids? Messed up scene where it gets real, real bloody.
23) Y Tu Mama Tambien - This whole movie is a lead up to a dirty threesome. Dirty threesome ensues.
22) Brotherhood of the Wolf - Monica Bellucci at her best, writhing around, transformed into some sort of dream thing. I don't get it. Love it.
21) Ask the Dust - Just because there isn't enough Salma Hayek nudity, and because this love scene is really tender. Colin Farrel gives her the missionary stylings.
20) American Psycho - Film yourself whore threeway, followed by awesome chainsaw beats.
19) Antichrist - Lars Von Trier, you magnificent bastard. Worst/best love scene ever. Depends on how you like your penis removed.
18) The Howling - Doin' some fucking, turning into werewolves.
17) Black Swan - To my surprise, this blatantly sexy girl on girl scene isn't here because it's hot. It's here because it's powerful as hell.
16) Lifeforce - Every time the naked alien encounters someone, it's kind of a love scene. Before she kills them.
15) Watchmen - Super heroes gettin' it on, some costume still clinging to sweaty bits.
14) Last Tango in Paris - I don't really like any of the loves scenes, but the butter up the ass thing is so iconic I think about this movie right away when people talk romance.
13) The Vampire Lovers - I've extolled the virtues of this little gem on my blog before. Busty 70s broads in lesbian tandems. Oh, and they're vampires too, I guess. Or whatever.
12) The Hunger - Another famous love scene of lesbio-vampirism, this one with Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon.
11) Coming Home - A very iconic, very highly regarded love scene, both because of Voight's disability and Fonda's boobs. Really hot business, and also touching.
10) Mulholland Drive - Oops. More lesbians. This time, David Lynch style.
9) Monster's Ball - "Make me feel good!" a getting fucked Halle Berry moans.
8) Re-Animator - Severed head fellatio. Next!
7) Don't Look Now - Love this movie. The sex scene is interspersed with shots of the participants getting dressed afterward. It's beautiful and sexy and different.
6) Cabin Fever - This is some sort of primitive nightmare. To reach down, to touch the warm insides of a girl, to realize that the warm insides might not be what you thought. And I'm not talkin' butt, either.
5) Evil Dead - It didn't feel right to involve any rape scenes, because even when they're plot relevant, they're no one's favorites. But tree rape is different and totally acceptable.
4) The Lost Boys - Full bias on one of my favorite genre movies. This love scene has no nudity at all, and yet I love it. The song, the draperies, the consequences!
3) Friday the 13th (remake) - Holy shit. Julianna Guill. This is straight up the hottest shit I can imagine. Just a girl, with great boobs, riding away. That's love.
2) Ski School - And the award for most masturbated to love scene goes to, Ava Fabian's big jugs in Ski School! I'll never get that terrible song out of my head, though.
1) Desperado - This is a landslide for me. The scene is naked-y, funny, charming, sexy and Spanish. Hayek for the win, yet again.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention to Team America: World Police. You know the scene.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Question: Why is my disc herniated? And what facial expression corresponds to feeling herniated?

Because you wish bad things upon others. This is god's way of making you suffer.

The facial expression that corresponds to feeling herniated should be one of extreme discomfort, combined with an awareness of your wrong-doing, with a touch of fist-shaking spite at the creator who's bestowed this punishment upon you. Let's call the expression Spiteful Diarrhea Regret.

Anything else, commie?

Short Answer: Only people who don't believe in democracy and can't get behind the idea that god chooses sides get hernias.

Note: I slept in a lot today for no reason, and I don't even know if I'm actually at the computer or not. So bear with me; if this is even happening. Is that right? Bear with me? Like a bear, bear? Weird.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Question: how do I handle finding a smartly dressed little girl sitting behind an ornate desk in an open field?

50 cal.

You're right to assume this is a bad situation. No little girl with normal strength would be able to move the desk to the field, and no little girl with normal, non-genius level evil intellect would have a reason to do it.

I'd be inclined to spray the area with large caliber bullets or possible jettison some lit rocket fuel in there.

Then again, might be a ghost. If you're lucky, the perceived trauma of being burned alive by rocket fuel might make the ghost let go of its earthly bonds, releasing the grudge in its souls that's keeping it locked to the mortal coil. But more than likely it will still be there with the same grudge and a scary burn face.

You could try running. But if it wants you, there's no where you can run.

Short Answer: The worst thing about being haunted and stalked by a little girl ghost is that you always have to check your hamper.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Question: is Putin gay?

Yea, I get the joke. 'Cause his country is being a douche to that community and all. (If there even is a gay community in Russia; sounds like a terrifying prospect.)

In no way is this a defense of Putin, but can we really put all this hate on him? Maybe I'm just a little jaded watching Obama get rail-roaded every time he tries to do something. I just don't assume that the President's political agenda dictates all policy. It may be a reflection of the attitudes of the people (few or many, I don't know) and that's a little more disturbing in my book. If the culture in Russia is afraid of gay people, that's fucked up.

Separately, the idea that Putin loves the cock is a funny one, though.

Truth? This stuff about the treatment of gays, and the restriction of free speech rights in Russia actually upsets and depresses me in a way that most things don't. Seems like they're going in the wrong direction, and if you ask any young people, there should only be One Direction.

Short Answer: Progress, please.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Question: Should I be involved in a 5some?

I don't see why not. The odd numbers keep everyone in a big pile, so that's good. There'll be a lot of random soft bits squishing against you, so checkmark on that. And the smells will be so intermingled you won't be able to blame just one person.

I do feel inclined to address the concept of a 5some, and say that I think after four, you've got an orgy on your hands. (And if my experience means anything, that won't be the only thing you'll have on your hands by the time the night is through.)

You see, four is just two pairs of people, but five is a group of people. And that is an orgy, whether there's whipped cream, fisting, fluid shots or tugnubbing, the numbers make it so.

Go for it. Just make sure everyone's relatively clean beforehand. I suggest you get all five participants to take that stuff that makes you poop a lot before an invasive test. It's like an enema, but way deeper. A douche for all your inside parts. Then you can feel fresh and sleek to start mounting each other with every eager orifice.

Short Answer: Enjoy!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Question: So, poison gas in Syria, huh?

I had a terrible, stupid thought the other day while driving to hockey. If aliens wanted to wipe us out, but they weren't sure what the most tasteful and appropriate way to do it would be, the fact that we as a race at any time have tried to kill each other with any sort of biological weapon not only justifies our murder by an extra terrestrial species, but also supplies them with the most ironic and fitting way to do it.

Killing another person is messed up. Killing another person like this? I'm almost incapable of finding any humour. Except of course, when I think of having poison gas used on me, I always picture me turning to my wife and asking, "Did you just fart?" before our faces melt off.

I rarely get on my moral high horse (it makes my moral prostate sore), but it's hard not to rage against these sorts of behaviours. And I know I live a privileged life, I know. I just can't help but think no matter what our circumstances, no matter how badly you feel you've been wronged, this isn't the right path. Can't be. Makes us monsters.

Short Answer: I'd like to admit that I know very little about the situation. I didn't do any research, or look up any facts. The only reason I even know about it is because people kept interrupting the Ben Affleck as Batman debates with jokes about the real issues in the world.

I think - and I hope I'm right here - that this is one of those things that everyone can get behind. Whether it's politicking or genuine outrage, I'm thinking anyone who uses chemical weapons in conflict is about to feel the wrath of billions of dollars of tax payer funded military recourse.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Question: Care to add your 2 cents to the Ben Affleck/ Batman casting?

Oh boy.

I hate to say that people are predictable idiots, and I'm not a big fan of the idea that a 'fanboy' or a comic book guy, depending on what you want to call them, is a completely different person than a simple movie buff. There's a lot of crossover in those mediums these days, and I want to believe that everyone understands their place and sees things from an unbiased perspective.

And yet, having read this news yesterday on a movie sight, and seeing mostly positive comments beneath, I couldn't help but think, "Fanboys are gonna hate this shit."

Sure enough, I awake this morning to a torrent of angry comic fans, shouting out the worst of the profanities at the casting choice.

Here's my problem with that. For a while there, Affleck's career looked like it was in the shitter. Then he had that amazing turn as George Reeves in Hollywoodland, followed by his debut directing effort Gone Baby Gone, and pretty much everyone on the planet said, "Oops, we fucked up." Then, he continued to beat ass. And everyone said, "Affleck is the shit." So how come, fanboys (a group that I consider myself to be a part of as well, mind you) do you hate this choice so fucking much?

Sorry to remind you, but the Daredevil director's cut is not a bad flick, and Affleck wasn't the problem. It makes some logical sense that the guy they thought would be a good Daredevil would also look good in the cowl, doesn't it? And right now, Affleck is at the top of the Hollywood food chain. This is a giant casting. Yea, I know, don't remind me, Clooney was a giant casting too. But was it Clooney's fault that his Batman movie was the biggest piece of dogshit in history? I'm gonna say probably not.

Okay, all biases aside. Here's what I think. Affleck is a good actor. His face, his chin, his look, matches up with what everyone has consistently wanted for Batman. And three, I promise you there won't be a romantic see-saw battle (admittedly one of the worst scenes in superhero movie history).

Who knows? It could suck. But I doubt it will suck because fanboys are booing. In fact, I read almost one hundred negative opinions this morning and didn't see one single fucking point. No one could explain why this was a bad idea. The only common thing that even seemed like a reason was, 'Daredevil sucked." Well, everyone said Ang Lee's hulk sucked and then Eric Bana was in Troy and....never mind.

Short Answer: Personally, I'm on wait and see mode. I like the boldness of this casting, and if you cut out Daredevil and the shitty part of Affleck's J-lo era career, he looks like a pretty amazing choice for an iconic character. Can he do it? I'm a little skeptical. But don't forget, Christian Bale didn't look like an ideal choice; they just cast a great actor. Maybe that's what happened here.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Question: You couldn't pile ten apples up on top if your life depended on it.

SEUUUUSSSS! I know it's you, Seuss! I'm not fooled by this shit at all. Go back to your grave, you arrogant son of a bitch. Leave me alone.

And I could, by the way. I could totally just wait here, hold on. I'm gonna do it.

(I wrote this next part about three hours later.)

Fuck you Seuss. Stacking apples is stupid and your face is ugly. No, I'm not covered in apple bits, I was working on a prosthetic...for a movie about....apples.

Shut up!

Short Answer: You're not gonna win me back Seuss. I liked you when I was a kid, and I appreciated your child level wisdom, but this taunting is beneath you. I grew up, okay? What do you want? You want me to read Yertle the Turtle again? I read it ten times, Seuss. This is tearing me apart!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Question: What's your favorite thing to have a pocketful of?

Besides miracles and sunshine, you mean?

Peanut M&Ms are a pretty good choice, but they can get melty and covered in fuzzers. Most foods wouldn't hold up. I have fairly sweaty pockets.

Jesus, I don't know. Probably money, as stupid as that sounds. Not coins, they're heavy. But just like a big ass wad of bills. I know that isn't all that creative, but I'm a little short on cash right now, so a full anything, be it matchbox or swimming pool, is going to have to be cash money.

Other than money, maybe like a pocketful of boner? That usually means good times are afoot, or at least I'm looking at something that isn't total suck. Those are usually good times, unless it's one of those, psychologically painful, "Why can't I have sex with every thing that moves in a skirt?" type boners. That's a pocketful of regrets, right there.

Why can't we have sex with anything? Wouldn't we all be a little happier? Yea, each of us would get a little bit of dick we weren't all that keen on once in awhile, but if we just all rolled over for the process, then we'd get an equal amount of sex we'd never have hoped for. Sure that middle-aged Asian woman is on her way to the grocery store, but I'm curious about why that skirt is sitting up so high. Could be a diaper, could be a great big fat ass. And if she's curious about why I've got a pocketful on some other day when I'm busy, I'll let her tag me back.

I guess the problem with this free sex for sex theory is that super hot girls don't want sloppy fat dudes making requests all the damn time. And you just know that sloppy fat dudes will ruin the system for everyone, trying to get at ten and twenty skirts a day. Never mind.

Short Answer: I'll bet a bazillion men have thought the same thing, and I bet my theory on how to make it work is one of the worst and most vague.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Question: My boyfriend is getting ready to tell me how much debt he has. How high is too high, and is there an amount at which I should dump him?

The first question you have to answer is, 'Does he make me happy?' If the answer isn't clear, try, "Does he make me laugh?', 'Does he make me climax?" or 'Does he cook my food?' If the answer to any of those questions his yes, who gives a fuck how much debt he has?

If he as a 500,000 in debt, you can make yourself laugh, make yourself cum, and use the fucking microwave.

You don't want to be dumping someone because he has the traits of a loser as society dictates, you want to dump him because he has the traits of a loser as you dictate. How much money you make, or how much he owes isn't relevant unless you're an insecure d-bag who wants to fiddle with someone else's life. Besides, those mistakes are in the past. You'd fall in love with a rapist if he was done feeling rapey, wouldn't you?

Oh. My bad.

Short Answer: One might claim that they're never completely done feeling rapey.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Question: Two side by side penises, laying in the sand?

Totally normal. I'm not reaching for the mace at all. No sir. Everything's cool.

(Reaches for mace)

((By the way, when I say I'm reaching for the mace, I don't mean I'm reaching for a spray bottle of chemicals. I mean I'm reaching for the medieval mace that I keep on my desk. It has a wooden handle and a smooth iron ball at the top. I like to go spikeless with my maces because then the damage is all blunt force with no piercing. Unless you're wearing a breastplate, spikes are just superfluous.))

Sure. Are these side by side penises lopped off and laying on the ground, or are we talking two guys bro-ing out, nearly touching the tips?

Either way, it has a place in our world. Drug cartel stuff or gay stuff, it's there.

Short Answer: This feels to me like a question borne of someone misunderstanding the lyrics to an old song. "Dude, those aren't the words. Why would Carole King be singing about dicks?"

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Question: Riddle me this. What's the greatest smell on the planet?


Just kidding, just kidding. It can't be farts, farts are gross.

Might be fresh-baked bread, that's pretty dope. Any sort of meat that's been stewing all day, then you walk into the house and it smells like a fat wall of yummy, that's good. I like the way it smells outside after it rains, or the way it smells inside after bacon.

I like the smell of my wife's pillow. Wow. That came out way nastier than I meant it to. No, wait, I read it again. Now it sounds super creepy. Uggh.

I kinda like the smell of my own balls. Is it that weird?

Then there's the you shouldn't be smelling it category, like sharpies, gasoline, glue, the palm of a stranger's hand, inside of a dog's ear, old mittens, hot rubber, burnt hair that's been recently peed on, and so on.

Wait. Is this a riddle? Like was I supposed to understand something inherently about this question and have a witty response?

I got it. Whale shits.

Short Answer: Whale shits, coincidentally, is the favored pet name of my smelly-pillowed wife.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Question: What are some euphemisms for erectile dysfunction?

Top Ten Euphemisms for Erectile Dysfunction

10) The Sloppy Invader
9) Limp Wristed Wandshake
8) Pool Noodle
7) Overcooked Spaghetti
6) The Determination Face
5) The Sausage Casing
4) Old Sweatpants
3) The Deflated Balloon
2) Rusted Slinky
1) Lazy Wiener Dog

Short Answer: Honorable Mention: The Short Answer

Friday, August 16, 2013

Question: Does it really take two to tango and other stuff?

You can tango by yourself, but you look like an epileptic who's trying to 'walk it off'. As for other stuff, I assume you mean sex. In that case - as long as you don't define sex as penetration in someone else's butt, snatch or face - you definitely do not need two. You can stuff yourself just fine with all kinds of household appliances and anger issues and a little thing I like to call pornography.

Fuck an everything bagel for extra friction.
Turn on the heat lamp in your bathroom and work up some fluids.
Put a toilet brush in or around your rear for that added risk of infection people seem to love so much.
Sit on your X-Box controller while it's vibrating.
Cry hopelessly while phoning in a 'stranger' with the off hand.
Go seizure robots on multiple porn sites, clicking back and forth and back and forth until you're finishing but you don't know why. (Sometimes, when you hit this in a really Zen way, you're last image before blowing it will be a random one, like a muffin with chocolate frosting, or Spider-Man climbing a building.)
Pretend you've been raped; shower.

You get the idea. By the way, careful jacking it in the shower. You can really hurt yourself in a lot of embarrassing ways. One time my hand slipped and I punched myself in the nads with such ferocity that I sang a high C and shit in the tub.

Short Answer: You can do pretty much everything by yourself, except moving couches and not feeling alone.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Question: How would you deal with an e-coli breakout at an Elementary school?


Can't be too careful. There's no price in small human lives that I won't pay to avoid an uncomfortable poop.

Short Answer: This should probably be Webster's Dictionary's definition of collateral damage.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Question: How can I be certain of a mechanic's honesty?

The best way is to go to school for automotive stuffs, learn everything, and then don't take your car in. Other than that: You = Boned.

If you're worried about people's honesty, don't be. People are liars, especially when money is involved. Sure, they might not murder a human or kick a puppy, but for some reason when cash is involved, morality seems to take a back seat for most humans. Disgusting, sad, true and a tiny bit sexy.

I suppose you could try to pre-emptively lie. "I know lots about cars, but I don't have time to check this out myself." Something like that. Or you could lie back, like, no matter what they say, just say, "My dad was a mechanic for fifty years, dude."

I saw a video online of some mechanics treating some poor women like she was retarded, and I kept thinking, "I'm that retarded. I don't know jack." They were making shit up, off the cuff, and riffing off each other like some corrupt Laurel and Hardy act. It was gross.

Basically, when you take your car in, get your money ready, and grease your spark plugs, 'cause you're about to get fucked.

Short Answer: The euphemism 'grease your sparkplugs' is indicative of how much I know about cars. Shit, I hope my mechanic isn't reading this. "Here you go, AskKeithAnything. That'll be 18 thousand dollars and me fucking your wife. Sorry, that's what happens when you don't keep your spark plugs greased."

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Question: How does one prevail?

Who am I to criticize the vagueness of a question? Have I not asked vague questions in my life? Why are we here? What should I do today? Are there shirts?

No. I haven't done that. I don't ask vague question because they're stupid. And I can criticize vague questions because I'm AskKeithAnything, which is basically like having a laser sword for a dick.

How does one prevail at what?
Oh, I'll bet this is someone who wants me to do one of those lists where I answer a bunch of different specifics. Leaving all the work to me, eh? It's as if I was the one with the blog or something.

(By the way, if this was just supposed to be answered generally, first, I'm sorry for yelling, and second, the answer is simple. Make women want you. The rest is a shitwalk in the dogpark.)

How does one prevail...

At skiing? Know about fast foods.
At chess? Play quickly, confuse opponent with taunts.
At horseback riding? Make sure your stirrups are the proper length, or it's prostate death.
At love? Vulnerability.
At jokes? Shitpoo.
At badminton? Never ever use a backhand.
At horror movies? Cover most of face.
At Phantom of the Opera? See directly above.
At driving? No kills.
At modesty? With these pecs, how the fuck should I know?

Short Answer: Prevailing is a constant thing; I suggest making it a habit if not an addiction.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Question: What has been your favourite question to answer, and why?

I have answered 965 questions on this blog. And you have the audacity to ask me which one is my favourite? How dare you, sir? How dare you?

Well, I never.

Like most parents with more than one child, I have a definite favorite. But to reveal that would deeply scar the other children, and it would turn this post into basically just a link for the other post. That just won't do.

I think my favorite sorts of questions to answer are the ones that instantly inspire a humorous response, even a one liner. Then, I do little work but feel like I hit the ball out of the park.

The ones I'm most proud of are probably the movie related lists, the ones with lots of opinion in them, because I think they balance out the insanity of the blog with legitimate critique. Any top ten is fun, and my humorous top tens are some of my more popular articles.

If I had to pick one favorite one, just off the top of the old bean, I remember being quite fond of the Batman, Jack Bauer, Jesus foot race. That was pretty early on, and the first time I realized the potential of letting my particular beast out in the open.

Short Answer: 966.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Question: Lake or ocean?

Lake by a waterslide. The ocean scares the absolute shit out of me. I remember jigging (putting a hook over the side of a boat and moving it up and down - kinda like fishing without the pole) with my grandfather in his little boat out on the open ocean. I don't know if it was something that crossed my mind then, or just a fear I've implanted since, but I recall thinking about what sort of huge ass creatures could be swimming beneath me in all that darkness. The concept of the giant squid was enough to terrorize me, but I've also always been destroyed by the sheer size of actual whales. The thought of a whale floating by beneath that little boat in all its random immensity...

Blarg. Lakes are fine, as long as they're not Nessy lakes with big ass dinosaurs. Though just a few years ago I heard about duck itch, which apparently is something that can happen to your skin if ducks poop in the lake you're swimming in. Weird.

Also, fishing in lakes is way more fun, on account of the impossibility of reeling in any sort of angry squid-type creature. In lakes, you usually get fish or boots.

I'd take a river over either of these, just for the record. I have a good memory of me, my dad and my uncle walking up a river doing what we called 'feeling', where you stick your hands under rocks and grab trout with your bare hands. That was kinda the tits 'cause you got to feel like a bear. The animal kind not the gay kind.

Short Answer: Lakes are beautiful places where you take vacations. The ocean is where man goes to die.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Question: if you knew your wife was a robot, and she didn't, how would you tell her?

The answer to this is almost too simple.

In binary code. She'd understand what I was saying, and she'd understand why she was understanding it all at the same time!

Mind blown yet?

I'd also sing it, so she'd feel the instant depth and regret of once thinking she'd been human.

Then I'd oil her up and have sex with my ROBOT WIFE!

Short Answer: I'm just trying on some caps. What do you think? FUCKER!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Question: Why do people like Keith?

People like me? Really? Even with all this cock?

Wow. Okay. You sure you got the right Keith? Maybe my ego is forcing me to misinterpret the question. Is there a famous Keith that I don't know about. Like, is this question supposed to be, 'Why do people like Callum Keith Rennie?'

Is Callum Keith Rennie the most famous Keith? He does have 112 credits as an actor on IMDB. I only have one, so he's definitely more famous than me.

I guess the necessary clarification here is whether we're talking about Keith the person behind the burgundy curtain, or AskKeithAnything, the character in the bathtub. If I had to answer for both, I'd probably go with hardcore nudity. Not like, hardcore in a sexual way, just nudity at a time that seems intensely personal and inappropriate. Like a ball on the table at brunch.

Short Answer: I know why people like me. But I'm not going to talk about it, because they wouldn't like me as much.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Question: This Tuesday, I'm ratcheting up my hamster campaign. You in?

First of all, you always say this Tuesday when you mean next Tuesday, so that will need to be clarified yet again.

And B, just because you have a new ratchet doesn't mean you have to say that everything's getting 'ratcheted up'. You can just turn the TV up, or get angry, or wear more suspenders. No need for the fanciful verbage.

Finally, no I'm not it. I'm never in. I don't think that hamsters really need a president, and I think the primaries take way too long. It's basically just a hamster wheel, if you ask me. Ratchet that up!

Short Answer: I hope this person isn't killing hamsters.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Question: My husband and I are having problems. Any suggestions?

Without knowing any specifics about your relationship, it's hard to give accurate advice. Obviously, stuff like communication and honesty are staples of a healthy union. But if I had to pick one non-specific thing that would help marriages the world-over, it'd be this:

Work the knob.

Seems to me that a lot of marriages break down because someone is being too cerebral about something they should chill the fuck out about. Communication and honesty should be a constant, but if things get quiet, couples can always stay connected by working the knob.

Especially, as this question is from a woman (or a gay man), working the knob deals with many of your man's manly type issues. If he's not talking, it's probably not because he hates you. Most likely it's that he's stressed out. A good knob working does wonders for stress.

Good relationships are open, caring and full of knobs getting fucking worked. People start to lose sight of how important it is to get into each other's funny bits. When you stop that, you're risking the intimacy of your relationship. Of course you don't want to be married to someone you're not doing it with; you're turning your lover into a roommate, or worse, your brother.

When things seem down, and one of you isn't in the mood to talk, try fuckery. It'll keep the bond there until the time for talking arrives. And you'd be surprised how often a good polishing can get the words flowing.

Short Answer: I think this is also why so many people end up being unfaithful in failed marriages. They're not getting their intimacy, so they look for it externally, in the most immediate and shallow way. It's still inexcusable, but I think most people would generally prefer the cow at home, as long as the doors to the yard are open...metaphor failing...abort...

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Question: Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I'd rather answer another question.

Can I be both?

Alright, fine. The reason I rail against this question - a question I've heard before as though there's some intense fascination among people to explore the possibility of a life diminished - is because I don't think my answer is very interesting.

I'd much rather be deaf. I don't see it any other way.

Heh. Get it?

Seriously. I like seeing. I'd much rather read, see movies, and be able to walk around. The only reason I care about hearing at all is the fact that when I watch movies, I sometimes want to be able to eat sloppy food that takes my eyes from the screen once in awhile. It's hard to watch subtitles with gyros.

I hate noise. I hate it. There's a possibility that it's the thing I hate the most. So, though being blind would be all bad, being deaf might just have a few perks. Not having to listen to the inane conversations of mouth-breathers ever again is a-okay in my book.

Short Answer: Deaf. Also, I might get lucky and have that thing where my voice is hilarious.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Question: Haaahaaa! I'll ask a qeuston? What's theh the deal with superhamered dudes with chickas wiht huge boboo..lmfao BOobs! Huge boobs?

Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle. Do you know how retarded you were going? Just because it's a school zone doesn't mean it's a 'short-bus' school zone. Sir. Sir? Could you put your penis back in your pants. That would be excellent.

I'm surprised this has never happened before. Most 'qeustons' I get are almost completely coherent. Sure, sometimes people try to be funny when they ask the question, and that can be a little tedious, but I've never been drunk dialed before. Let's try and answer as best we can.

Super hammered dudes are idiots. They're going to be drawn to the simplicity of large breasts, which is totally appropriate. It matches their intentions perfectly. They want to see them, touch them, suck on them, blow their business on them and then throw up.

Mystery solved. Now try to get some rest.

Short Answer: I gotta be fair. I go for the huge boobs even when I'm not drunk.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Question: Do you mourn the loss of Saturday morning cartoons?

I mourn the concept more than the content. There is a remembered innocence here, indicative of all the things we lose as we grow older, as we're forced to learn to accept adult responsibilities, like making our own cereal and not sitting directly in front of the TV.

As for the shows, I don't miss them. And I'm one of the lucky adults who still manages to get as excited for things I like now, as I did for things I liked when I was a kid. They just aren't the same things. But if He-Man could replace naked boobs, the world would be a strange and terrifying place.
(And Fisto would be a very different character, as would Ram-Man and Mat-at-Arms and Beast Man and Lockjaw.)

In truth, I shouldn't even side with those in mourning. I was never as big a fan as others. In my later adolescence, I would often sleep in rather than get up to watch cartoons. And I stopped eating cereal at a very young age, preferring coffee and freshly hunted bison. Though I still took my Flintstones chewables for a while. You need vitamins to kill bison.

It's funny, actually, because when I first read this question, I read it as Saturday morning bison, so regular were my hunting trips to kill large game with my bare hands. Coming of age is an arduous task for one as manly as myself, and the rites of passage are near deadly. Though none, I must admit, were as stressful as getting my license. That's a tough one for everyone, even people who've never run down a ton of galloping meat and choked it out with their rippling forearms.

Short Answer: This shit went off the rails.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Question: Where does one find oneself?


I'll tell you one thing, if someone out there is lost, this question sure as fuck isn't going to help them out any.

Is this asking where to do you go to find yourself? But you're already where you are. If you need to be found, stop looking. Especially if you're looking into a funhouse mirror that's making it seem you're not standing where you thought you were.

Is this supposed to be the 'finding yourself' thing that teenagers say they're doing when they spend their parents' money 'backpacking' through Europe just so they can get high and drunk with a bunch of Canadians and Australians? 'Cause you can do that sort of finding anywhere. You just need too many shots of one thing, and a few cans of another.

Yea, okay. I think I get it. If you have to 'find yourself', then where do you do it? My answer is that location isn't as important here as it is in real estate, especially because the person you're trying to 'find' is just in your brain, wrapped up in a bunch of crippling neuroses and indefatigable doubts. Try sitting the fuck down and taking a deep breath, then visualize what kind of person you'd feel most happy being, then be that person. Being yourself is overrated when you're an asshole.

Short Answer: Try Antwerp. You're already halfway there if you think you need to travel to find yourself.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Question: In your mind, what are the top ten worst jobs?

The very specific statement 'in your mind' makes me think the inquisitor made a very bold mark of delineation between what I think the worst jobs are and what the worst jobs actually are. I can take this many ways, I suppose. Though I think that taking it many ways is a pretty bad job.

Top Ten Worst Jobs (In My Mind!)

10) Egg Collector. Before the word safety existed, men would tie seal skin, or nettle branches to their waists and climb down steep cliffs to collect eggs. Yum.
9) Tanner. I don't even know if this job still exists. I mean, I'm sure it does, with all kinds of dope regulations that keep the job from being as shitty. But back in the day, this was the stinkiest thing going. Soak animal skin in urine, pound dung into it (or soak again in animal brains). Nice. In places - usually the outskirts of towns - where tanneries existed, there'd be piss-pots laying around to collect public urine, and kids would be employed as poop collectors. A job that, though not on this list, wouldn't be in the top ten best jobs either.
8) Vomit Collector. Not unlike the aforementioned poop collector, and similar to many, many jobs throughout history, this one was particularly repugnant because sometimes the Romans who employed vomit collectors were throwing up on purpose to make room for more food.
7) Leech Gatherer. This one isn't so bad for some; but if you don't like slimy, crawly things, you probably aren't a big fan of a job where you let them do their slimy, crawly business on your exposed stuffs. Also funny that mostly ladies did this.
6) Food Taster. Yea, this would suck. A life of luxury and excess, coupled with the crippling and constant paranoia that you're about to take one for the team.
5) Spit Boy. My favorite of horrible labor options, the spit boy had to turn a huge ass carcass on a heavy iron spit for hours and hours while standing near an intense fire. Pure hard.
4) Gong Farmer. No, gongs don't grow on trees. To keep a theme going, this is the job of old timey janitor. You go out at night, clean all the shit off the street and go bury it in the woods somewhere. Wash, rinse, repeat, hate your entire life.
3) Treadmill Walker. Often done by blind people to begin with, these fuckers would walk barefoot in a damn wooden hamster wheel. Another of the 'what the fuck am I doing with my life?' jobs, this would give you an awful lot of time to wonder why you didn't join the army.
2) Fuller. Stomp around barefoot in old pee, please. This makes wool, I swear.
1) Whore. There were good jobs as a whore, but not many. Mainly, it was getting absolutely railed and abused, then filled up with random man-gravies all fucking day, every fucking day. And generally, men weren't polite about where they wanted to stick it.

Short Answer: Hope the question wasn't about modern jobs. My mind goes medieval, when given the opportunity. Just like my malice! 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Question: Why aren't Eskimo glasses more mainstream?

I don't like the word Eskimo. Rare for me to bother mentioning things like that; I am a guy who will use any shade of racism, sexism or ignorance to make a person laugh. It's a shield I use to justify the collateral damage, so it would be entirely hypocritical of me to be a real dick about a particular word. It's just that one went out of style when I was a kid, and it sounds so strange to me, now. And we're all hypocrites. That's part of humanity's charm.

Now despite my minor protestations, I will go on using that word for the rest of the post.

Eskimo glasses were pretty mainstream in the eighties, and if you look at the lighting in all those commercials and movies, you can see why. Shit was bright! Eyes were wide, clothes were neon, teeth were yellow; you needed those shades, man.

The reason they haven't stuck as a fashion item is probably because they make you look like a venetian blind. Sub-consciously, the human race can't tolerate wearing something over their eyes called blinds.

Short Answer: It's funny. The reason the word Eskimo fell out of use in Canada was because there was a chance that it meant 'eater of raw meat', which sounds a little offensive to some. Turns out, though, despite the word being treated as a pejorative, most linguistic scholars don't think that's where the word came from. It probably has something to do with building snowshoes. So fuck me and my childhood. I don't know shit.