Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Question: I noticed on twitter you do #realdreams. Are they real?

Most definitely. Every time I use that hash tag, not only is the dream real, it's a dream I just had within the last few hours.

Dreams can be boring, and everyone thinks their own brand is the craziest. I'm no different; though I genuinely think I can hang with anyone on crazy dreams.

More importantly than the crazy ones, though, are the sexy ones. I have amazing dreams about super weird situations that often involve nudity and/or sex making. Just this morning, for no reason, I got a full frontal, soapy Kristen Bell in a dream, so vivid that I can remember it now as though I watched a video online. This is why I highly recommend to all people that they spend an inordinate amount of their waking life thinking about boobs and genre movies. The combination in my subconscious is uproarious and delightful. Also, because I write every day, my dreams are often rife with plot points and intrigues, making it like a crazy-ass Spanish soap opera with the addition of laser canons, self-reflective robots, axe murderers in paisley sundresses and hope.

I refuse to relate a dream to you. No matter how crazy you think a dream is, it can be like watching someone eat soup for the listener. I'm not arrogant enough to...

Okay, just one.

This is a classic. I'm in a living room with Sid Haig, Cloris Leachman and Jennifer Love Hewitt and we're all up to sex together. The focus is of course on taking Love's shirt off, because she never lets her puppies out. When I finally get it off, they're glorious and I want to blow it. She sees the shot coming, and tries to twist out of the way, but she wrenches herself at an awful angel and passes out. I have the courtesy to not blow it, fearing for her welfare. Sid Haig, on the other hand, doesn't have the same issue, so he blows it on her. Cloris Leachman offers her sweater to help clean up, but it's too late. Love wakes up, wondering why she's wet. I'm standing over her, looking the culprit and I yell, "No, no, it wasn't me! Sid Haig did it!"

I know there were no robots in that one, but how messed up do you have to be to come up with that concoction, huh?

Short Answer: If you don't get why this dream is crazy, look up pictures of Sid Haig and Cloris Leachman, and try to explain what the hell either of them would be doing in a sex dream.

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