Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Question: I noticed on twitter you do #realdreams. Are they real?

Most definitely. Every time I use that hash tag, not only is the dream real, it's a dream I just had within the last few hours.

Dreams can be boring, and everyone thinks their own brand is the craziest. I'm no different; though I genuinely think I can hang with anyone on crazy dreams.

More importantly than the crazy ones, though, are the sexy ones. I have amazing dreams about super weird situations that often involve nudity and/or sex making. Just this morning, for no reason, I got a full frontal, soapy Kristen Bell in a dream, so vivid that I can remember it now as though I watched a video online. This is why I highly recommend to all people that they spend an inordinate amount of their waking life thinking about boobs and genre movies. The combination in my subconscious is uproarious and delightful. Also, because I write every day, my dreams are often rife with plot points and intrigues, making it like a crazy-ass Spanish soap opera with the addition of laser canons, self-reflective robots, axe murderers in paisley sundresses and hope.

I refuse to relate a dream to you. No matter how crazy you think a dream is, it can be like watching someone eat soup for the listener. I'm not arrogant enough to...

Okay, just one.

This is a classic. I'm in a living room with Sid Haig, Cloris Leachman and Jennifer Love Hewitt and we're all up to sex together. The focus is of course on taking Love's shirt off, because she never lets her puppies out. When I finally get it off, they're glorious and I want to blow it. She sees the shot coming, and tries to twist out of the way, but she wrenches herself at an awful angel and passes out. I have the courtesy to not blow it, fearing for her welfare. Sid Haig, on the other hand, doesn't have the same issue, so he blows it on her. Cloris Leachman offers her sweater to help clean up, but it's too late. Love wakes up, wondering why she's wet. I'm standing over her, looking the culprit and I yell, "No, no, it wasn't me! Sid Haig did it!"

I know there were no robots in that one, but how messed up do you have to be to come up with that concoction, huh?

Short Answer: If you don't get why this dream is crazy, look up pictures of Sid Haig and Cloris Leachman, and try to explain what the hell either of them would be doing in a sex dream.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Question: Why do my balls hurt?

Could be any number of things.

My first thought was masturbation. Did you happen to see a real sexy thing on the internets, and grip too close to the base? That can give your balls a good rogering, and you wouldn't have noticed because of how tightly your jaw was set.

Another possibility is that god is punishing you for doing something overly masculine. This can be hard to understand if you haven't had this pointed out to you before. You know that thing when you complain about something, and your friend makes a joke like, "Does it hurt in your vagina?" to emasculate you? Well, men can also do things that make them seem like they're all penis. Like if you high-five a dude for filling cup at the sperm bank.

Other than that, you probably just sat on them wrong.

Short Answer: Do you ever have something happen, and you think, "Why don't my balls hurt?" I did a sex position called the 'cow-catcher' once and couldn't believe my boys got out unscathed.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Question: What are some funny names for drag queens?

Faye Ray
Imelda Marcock
Madonga
Aubrey HepCburn
Ace Kelly
Jane Ostentatious
Lauren Baball
Rita Gayworth
Catherine the Great Big Shlong
Lena Hornedog
Greta Garballs
Gene Tierney
Anne Frank
Cleopatsy
Marlene Triedick
Lana Turnerover
Sophia Whoren
Poke A Hot Ass
Susan Balls Anthony
Marie Antoine
Joan of Arse
Emily Dick In Son
Janet Sackson
Helen Smeller
Margaret Thatch
Sackajawea


Short Answer: Anne Frank is a play on Anne Francis, jerks.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Question: Are you going my way?

If you think this question is a mis-representation of a Lenny Kravitz song, you should probably go to another internet.

I am, in fact, going your way if:

you're on your way to get pizza
you're on your way to play hockey
you're on your way to meet your long lost nephew who's transgendered
you're on your way to put a stop to piano lessons
you're on your way to reduce the status of salsa
you're on your way to rebrand KFC again
you're on your way to watch a movie that has supeheros in it
you're on your way to a convention that will help me sneak by more misspellings like supeheroes
you're on your way to rail against diarrhea
you're on your way to a diarrhea support rally (I just love the stuff, I really do)
You're on your way to a confusing talk about capitolism
you're going to the mall later
you're riding a skidoo
you're on a fancy elephant
you're on a flatulent camel
you're on a sneaky horse
you're in one of those royal curtained boxy things that sweaty, shirtless men are carrying through town.
you're casually passing by an art exhibit without going inside
your way is that way that hookers have when they want to talk about the money first
your way is that thing where people cut themselves on the edge of kitchen cupboards, like super bad
your way is that episode of Roseanne where they finally open the loose-meat sandwich restaurant
your way is the way that Arnold Schwarzenegger gropes ladies; I'm assuming hard and with obvious, shameless intent
you're on your way to the end of this answer

Short Answer: Probably not. I like to stay near home.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Question: Who are the top ten most dangerously influential morons on the planet?

The joke on this blog is that I'm a know-it-all. At least, that's one of the jocular themes. You ask me a question, and whatever it is, I act like I know the answer, take it in stride, and add some sort of disgusting reference, like calling semen...ball wine or something. (Nut cask is funny, too, for storing the wine.)

Here's a peek behind the curtain, fans.

I try to answer off the top of my head, and I try not to read a question until I'm going to answer it. More often than not, a question inspires an answer the minute I read it. Sometimes, it's more difficult. But I have never, not once, failed to answer a question.

So here's the problem. I can't answer this question. I've let it brew (in its nut cask) for a week now, and every time I look at it, I think the same thing.

To answer this properly, even in my humorous know-it-all voice, would take me hours and hours of research. That's not so bad in and of itself, except the research would depress me to the point that getting any more work done would be difficult, on account of all the bleeding from my wrists onto the freshly slick keyboard.

Of course, I could always answer it in a humorous way, but the question feels like it genuinely deserves an answer, and the person who asked it doesn't deserve to be brushed aside. Quite simply, I couldn't think of a funny enough joke to outweigh the absolute horror of what the worst of us can do.

I know this is a first, and please don't judge me too harshly. Maybe I've just been watching too many documentaries lately about how we fucked up the planet, and how oil, and pharmaceutical and banks and other big corporations have put the health and inalienable rights of citizens out of their minds to make a few more bucks. (Gas companies using PSYOPS on the American population, for example.) Maybe it's the gay bashing in Russia, the next proposed law to take a woman's rights away in America, or some unknown horror from Africa, a place that has known far too many of late. Whatever it is, the idea of delving into the minds and deeds of the 'dangerously influential morons' does not in any way appeal to me. And because I'm not going to leave a question laying around until humanity figures this shit out, I had to address it.

Short Answer: Sorry this wasn't funnier. I can usually find moments of levity, even when I'm writing from a serious place (like the backseat of a clown car). Apology rescinded; that was solid.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Question: Did you hurt yourself crumping?

Wasn't it called krunking like a day ago? I can't keep up with all the names. What I can do is keep up with the moves and the intensity. And yes I hurt myself, but that's just 'cause I'm asposed to.

Nobody cramps, conks, fracks or kunts like me. I give'r like an epileptic robot that's shorting out. Like Marty Feldman on speed. Like a palsied jumping bean. Nobody can hang with this milkshake!

Short Answer: I hurt myself playing Frisbee golf.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Question: Superman/Batman movie?

Yea, crazy, right?

When I first heard the news, my reaction was this. "That's weird. I was hoping Man of Steel was just set-up for a really good second movie. Now it will be harder to flesh out the character of Superman." (For those not in the know, I thought the character of Superman in Man of Steel was very flat.)

Then I thought. "I suppose the Batman/Superman dynamic is a good way to flesh out the character of Superman."

Then I saw the reveal at Comic-Con. And I thought, "Holy fuck."

You see, I'm a big fan of the Dark Knight Returns. Everyone is, I know. But I champion it as the best graphic novel of all time. So when that dude stood up and said those words...wait, I'm getting excited. When actor Harry Lennix came to the podium and quoted, "I want you to remember, Clark...in all the years to come...in your most private moments...I want you to remember...my hand...at your throat...I want...you to remember...the one man who beat you," I felt some joy in my heart and dong. Then the symbol hits, with the Nolan-style movie music and an excited child is borne from doubt.

So I'm in, if tentatively. And at least it's a slower burn into the Justice League, and maybe this is the only way that a huge movie like that will ever happen. And it's nice that they're taking a different route than Marvel, capitalizing on the greatest team-up in history, Macho Man and Hulk Hogan. Oops, I mean Batman and Superman.

Remember, fanboys and fangirls, there was a time when the idea of a Superman/Batman movie would have been only a pipedream. Yea they might fuck it up; but at least they have the balls to try under all of our critical eyes and noses. If it wasn't for that bravery, we wouldn't have anything to bitch about, and these films would remain distant hopes alone. So what if the movie sucks; it doesn't hurt what we already love about these characters or universes.

Short Answer: The line before that famous line is, "We could have changed the world. Now look at us. I've become a political liability. And you...you're a joke." Frank Miller!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Question: How do you feel about the Royal Baby?

It's like that's the little buggers name, now. Royal Baby.

I care in the sense that I love the idea of Kings and Queens and all that junk. I care a tiny bit because those are technically my royals. But on the other hand, I can't help but file it under the same category of baby madness that comes along with many other celebrity births. Yea, I get that this one is super important on account of bloodlines, but it still seems like a front page story on a shitty magazine that you look at for half-a-second in the lineup at the grocery store (unless there's a famous celebrity in a bikini on there too, and she hasn't properly prepared her 'bikini body'; looking at you, insert famous celebrity name.)

I'm glad it's healthy, though I'm not sure what healthy means when it comes to royal bloodlines these days. I think we were pushing it for awhile with all the inbreeding. Luckily, that Kate lady seems like she was from around the block somewhere, so that should help. Not as much as if he'd had a royal baby with a Latina chick from San Diego, but better than an emaciated cousin.

Short Answer: Real Bebe! (That's supposed to be Royal Baby in Spanish. I don't know how to put the accent above the E. No not that E. Never mind.)

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Question: Is it true that a leopard can't change its spots?

Oh, I see what you're doing here. This is one of them fanciful metaphors that all the city folk are on about nowadays.

Anyone can change, and into anything. Except werewolves. They can't change into vampires. Apparently, they hate vampires. Like, a lot. So changing into them would suck for werewolves, so it's good that they can't.

I'll bet vampires can change into werewolves though. I bet they'd hate that. They hate werewolves.

Hey? Why do vampires and werewolves hate each other so much? They're not that different, and they're both outsiders. It doesn't make all that much sense. I can see both of them hating Frankensteins, 'cause those dudes are creepy. But each other? Doesn't add up.

In my book, a leopard can do whatever the fuck it wants. It especially can ignore stupid shit that's said about it by people. A leopard could just eat your face and by all like, "What? What now, faceless jackass? You got something else to say about my spots?"

Also, werewolves and vampires could rip off your face, and say something sassy while you scream.

Short Answer: Stop the madness! Vampires and werewolves don't actually hate each other, not in real life. It's propaganda and lies.



Monday, July 22, 2013

Question: Favorite movie lines that no one else knows?

Ha! This happens to all of us. You quote something, and you wait for laughter and everyone looks at you like you just creamed your pumps.

Favorite Obscure Movie Lines

10) "I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house." Grandma's Boy. This is the Adam Sandler movie without Adam Sandler. That will send some of you running for the hills, and maybe it should. But I love it, and this is my favorite line from the movie.
9) "Everybody gets the same." Buffalo 66. I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It's Ben Gazzara, cutting off extra portions when offered up to pre-dick-on-screen Vincent Gallo's new kidnapped girlfriend. I have one friend who gets this when I say it.
8) "Then I don't have a wiener." Adventures in Babysitting. Brenda's trying to negotiate a hotdog, by signing over a check for press-on nails. When the vendor finds out she doesn't have any money, he shouts this line at her.
7) "They were cones." The Wedding Singer. More Sandler hijinks as he forces Covert to take a driving test even though he's got the only limo in town. Sandler tells him all the cones could've been people, this is Covert's response. Funny delivery bonus.
6) "Okay, first thing's fuckin' last." Reservoir Dogs. Not as obscure, but notable because it goes through my head constantly, instead of its tamer, swearless cousin. When I say it aloud, no one knows I'm quoting a movie line.
5) "Punch the tip and twist it." Your Highness. The great wise wizard wants a handy, and this is when he drops the subtle hints. No more playful secrets.
4) "The flowers are still standing." Ghostbusters. The most quotable movie of all time. Bill Murray always wanted to pull the table cloth away. I think people are going to know what I'm talking about with this one. Sometimes, but not often, they do.
3) "You shut your mouth when you're talking to me." Wedding Crashers. So unimportant in the grand scheme of the film, this is just Rebecca De Mornay delivering the hell out of a funny line during a heated divorce debate. My wife says this shit all the time.
2) "Back to you, Fuckers!" Bruce Almighty. Jim Carrey, tired of everyone's shit, lets an old lady have it, then throws it back to the fuckers.
1) "It could be our milk." Billy Madison. I find the best quotes are the ones that end up attaching to repetitive situations in your life. Like this one. It comes to mind whenever the sentiment of togetherness or teamwork pops up, especially between my wife and I. And there wasn't enough Adam Sandler on the list.

Short Answer: This was fun. There's a million more, people.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Question: How does one become a great leader?

Leaderhosen?

Yea, I wasn't too sure about this, hence the question mark. I would just like to live in a world where we could pin down a shitty mayor, principal, governor, president, cheerleader, whatever, and force them - squirming - into some short leather pants. Then they'd pop up, all angry, and make better decisions.

"As much sody as you'd like,'" proclaims the mayor.
"More recess and junk," says the principal.
"Less accents in office," quotes the governor.
"Less rights infringements," claims the president.
"No panties," suggests the cheerleader.

Seriously, though, if there was a straight answer to how to become a great leader, we wouldn't have such shitty ones now, nor would we have such atrocious ones throughout history. I think most of the greatest leaders of all time did so from behind an idiot blowhard, and don't get a lot of the credit they deserve. For example, there was a secondary Napoleon with some weird French name, and he was super short, like three feet tall, and he'd whisper into this twisty long horn right up into Napoleon's earhole.

Well, that's not true, but it's a funny thing to think about when you think of leadership.

Short Answer: Sadly, being a leader is about being a good and inspirational man, possessing the capacity for multitudinous virtue and the ability to treat people the way they wish to be treated. A tough order for most.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Question: How long have you wanted what you want?

A cure for rabies? Since I tried to touch that pit bull's single testicle.
Bacon? Since the womb.
Sex? Since I got sore from masturbating.
Love? Since I saw Adventures in Babysitting.
To be a superhero? Since my uncle got shot and I could've done something about it.
Deep-fried broccoli? Since my colon got all cocky.
To be the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be? Since never. Bret Hart is that.
Pizza for supper? Since every morning I've been alive.
To know what birth looks like? Since I saw that baby mouse extracted from a greased fleshlight.
To be a writer? Since I noticed how much I sucked at everything else.
To make life decisions by default? Very funny, Question. You know what I meant.
To be subversive with your comedy? This isn't subversive, you're just breaking the pattern, now.
To wear your grandpa's frilly panties? That's enough, right there. My grandfather wore sensible underwear.
To gay orgies. That one wasn't even a question!
Like there wasn't a question about your gramp's sexuality? I'm leaving.
How long have you wanted the door to hit your ass on the way out? ...

Short Answer: ...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Question: What are the top ten things that are worse than a spider crawling out of the clothes you're wearing?

A spider crawling into the clothes you're wearing! Am I right? Anyone? No, but seriously that's worse.

Things Worse Than That Thing

10) Eating a plum with your bare hand just after you masturbated, realizing mid-fruit that you don't think you remembered to wash your hand.
9) Earwig in your salad.
8) Human fat on a linoleum floor.
7) The scaly dark skin on the underside of an obese person's obesity.
6) Bikini clad diarrhea hot tub situation.
5) Seeing a nest of spiders on your side view mirror. Getting out, getting back in your car, driving. Feeling something itchy on your leg - noticing the spider nest is gone.
4) Surprise genital mutilation. "Hey, check this out," style.
3) Anything on the internet that makes you look at something rural or boring or simple, just before a scary ass face accompanied by a terrifying scream takes sixteen years off your life.
2) Hearing the voices of small children singing when you're trying to sleep.
1) Hitting an animal with your car.

Short Answer: Specifically, a spider crawling out of your hockey helmet is really, really bad.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Question: What are your top ten favourite film and tv opening sequences?

I'm gonna have to split this into two, because there are just too many. Some will be here because I loved the show/movie, some because of the graphics and imagery, some solely for the music. The movie category alone probably deserves a top fifty, but that would literally take me days and days of research, so I'll keep it to ten as asked. The first long, unnecessary intro I ever wrote was in 1957. There was a recession at the time, and I was told...


Top Ten TV Title Sequences

Honorable Mentions: Fresh Prince, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Alfred Hitchcock Presents

10) Weeds - Love that song. This title sequence really sets the stage for the ordered suburbia that will be torn down by the main characters Stepford Wife to weed dealer journey.
9) Rome - Pure bias because I love the show so much. The titles are the people of Rome going about their daily business, while scrawled art comes to life on the walls around them.
8) All in the Family - Iconic and subtle and simple, the main characters singing, terribly, at a piano.
7) Freaks & Geeks - They don't give a damn about their bad reputations. High school photo session brilliance.
6) Cheers - You know this one.
5) Mission Impossible - Follow the fuse, love the song.
4) Get Smart - Maxwell Smart's descent into Control's headquarters is one of the most memorable sequences in television history.
3) Wonder Years - Home video, and Joe Cocker's aching voice. Amazing.
2) Dexter - Mundane things become horrifying as we follow the titular serial killer getting ready for an average day at Miami Metro.
1) The Twilight Zone - Everything about this is my favorite from voice, to graphic to music. The best ever.

Top Ten Movie Title Sequences

...shit, that's not enough...

Top Fifteen Movie Title Sequences

Honorable Mentions: Taxi Driver, Life of Brian, Goldfinger

15) Vertigo - Some believe this is the greatest of all time. The sequence sort of follows the plot of the movie, mirroring the descent of the main character - Spiro graph style.
14) Lord of War - Follows a bullet from being manufactured, all the way along its journey, straight from the barrel of a gun into the head of an unsuspecting child.
13) The Wild Bunch - A long title sequence where each of Peckinpah's posse gets a freeze frame, black and white close up. Highlight is the kids watching the fire ants eat the scorpions.
12) Hulk - My favorite of the Marvel genetic-graphic-follow-y ones. This one makes the parallel between the universe and the cellular level, giving a real science feel to the exposition of where the Hulk may have come from.
11) The Rocky Horror Picture Show - The lips, baby.
10) A View to a Kill - Duran Duran, the eighties, fire women and ice statues, plus balletic skiers. This is my favorite of the really crazy Bond title sequences.
9) Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - An understated artsy title, it hearkens back to the days of pulp detective novels, fitting the movie to come perfectly.
8) The Shining - The unforgettable drive along an abandoned rode, toward isolation and madness.
7) Seven - A remixed, understated version of Closer by Nine Inch Nails over jagged, unsettling imagery. Highlight is the razor removing the finger prints.
6) Dawn of the Dead (Remake) - Johnny Cash's 'When the Man Comes Around' playing over newsreel footage of the zombie outbreak, spliced with shots of the infection itself. This one is the tits.
5) Mean Streets - Keitel stands up, looks at himself in the mirror, then we're treated to home footage of him at play in the mean streets, all to the song Be My Baby.by the Ronettes.
4) Casino Royale - Title starts from plot, as new Bond Daniel Craig shoots the guy in the bathroom, down the barrel of the famous gun. Then, it gets a little wishy-washy as we see guns firing hearts, and diamonds. Then, instead of sexy girls, we get a look at how things are going to be different. Bond actually fights in the sequence, then the card symbols start killing people, making them bleed and explode. By the end, you feel like you've been won over, and they show Craig's face, in close up, to let you know what's up. Cornell's song is very underrated in the grand canon as well.
3) Dr. Strangelove - A romantic song playing over the mid-air coupling of a bomber and a refuelling plane. Perfection.
2) Reservoir Dogs - The famous walk, played on by Little Green Bag.
1) Watchmen - The most epic and comprehensive of title sequences, we watch the times a'changin' while listening to Bob Dylan's - hold your hats - 'The Times They Are A'Changin''. I thought this set up the parallel universe of the Watchmen beautifully.

Short Answer:

Top Twenty Animated Show Opening Sequences

20) My Little Pony
19) Alvin & the Chipmunks
18) The Smurfs
17) Robotech
16) Monchichis
15) Gummi Bears
14) Care Bears
13) GI Joe
12) Duck Tales
11) Darkwing Duck
10) Samurai Pizza Cats
9) Inspector Gadget
8) Family Guy
7) Archer
6) Transformers
5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4) Jem
3) He-Man
2) Count Duckula
1) The Simpsons

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Question: Where do you get those fancy sunglasses?

I must be an idiot because when I first saw this question, I read, 'Where do you get those fancy snuggles?' Also, I got excited about answering it. You know, because snuggles.

I definitely do not have fancy sunglasses. If you think the sunglasses I wear are fancy, it's just because I'm so devilishly handsome that I make this shit look black, a la Will Smith.

I'm not the kind of person who spends a lot of money on things like sunglasses or butter substitutes. In fact, I don't have butter in the house at all after the famous 'Brando Halloween costume Last Tango in the Kitchen' incident with my wife and her unsuspecting friend. (Who was dressed as a total whore, by the way. If I can see that much of your friend's cleavage, wife, I assume she wants butter near or around her ass. It can't be helped.)

Short Answer: My sunglasses are cheap. My face is expensive.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Question: What is it called when you use a woman's vagina juices to dress a chicken?

You see, this has always been a strange thing for me.

Where I come from, 'dressing' is what the people where I live now, call 'stuffing', so in my mind, 'to dress a chicken' means to make stuffing for it and put said stuffing in its chicken butt.

I suppose you could periodically baste the chicken, but who has the time?

Short Answer: I like to put it in the oven and forget it, you know?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Question: Can you give some euphemisms for sex that sound like good advice?

10) Make sure the car seat is facing in.
9) Let your hotdogs thaw in the fridge.
8) Keep your balls in the closet.
7) Dust the surfaces once a week.
6) Be careful at high tide.
5) Always measure your ingredients.
4) Wax in circular motions.
3) Don't let the boat fill up with water.
2) When you're stuck, try slapping it in reverse.
1) Be sure not to undercook your pork dumplings.

Short Answer: When crossing your Ts and dotting your Is, make sure that the pen has lots of ink.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Question: What are some perfect superhero movie castings?

Big question. Casting implies an interesting angle for a list, a happiness with the choice before the performance is seen. But as I went through compiling this list, I realized that the line was hard to differentiate. Take Chris Hemsworth as a great example. No one could have possibly been very pleased with the casting because - despite his great look - we didn't know who the hell he was. Now, it seems totally strange not to include him in this list. So instead, I'll lean toward great performances, and try to keep the casting in there somewhere. I mean, can you imagine a superhero character list without Heath Ledger's Joker? I thought not.

(Note: Honorable Mention to Hugh Jackman as Logan who isn't on this list because the third X-Men movie and X-Men Origins: Wolverine confused and angered me. I fought with myself over it, because I feel that the character of Wolverine is inconsistent, but he should probably be on here somewhere under the 'is now synonymous with the role' clause.)

Top Fifty Superhero Movie Casting Decisions That Worked Out

50) Kevin Durand -The Blob, Wolverine. A great character actor, I didn't think they'd be able to pull of the blob this well. I found him totally believable and ridiculous in the right amount.
49) Colin Farrell - Bullseye, Daredevil (Theater Version). In the sub par theatre release of Daredevil, Farrell's over the top villain is the most entertaining thing.
48) Patrick Wilson - Dan Dreiberg/Nite Owl, Watchmen. Wilson bring real sadness and texture to the much needed central role of a huge story, and beats ass like nobody's business.
47) Gwyneth Paltrow - Pepper Potts, Iron Man series. I was genuinely pleased when I heard this casting news, because I knew that they were collecting top line talent for the film. Potts could've been a throw away, and wasn't.
46) Tom Hiddleston - Loki, Thor & Avengers. Another good example of a great performance from an unknown. Had to be here because in hindsight, you can't picture anyone else in the role.
45) Liev Shreiber - Sabretooth, Wolverine. Another shining light in a terrible movie. Shreiber had all the menace missing from the previous cartoony version of the character.
44) James McAvoy - Professsor Xavier, First Class. Another in the category of good actors make things good. Pleased with the choice, and the result.
43) Ed Norton - Bruce Banner, The Incredible Hulk. Great choice for a more modern Banner. Eclipsed by the Hulk that followed, sad to say.
42) Anne Hathaway - Catwoman, TDKR. I'm surprised as hell that this made the list. I hate the character of Catwoman. But the part was well cast, and the believability of the role crucial to the overall success of the film.
41) Kevin Bacon - Sebastion Shaw, First Class. Again, could've been anyone. But Bacon nailed it big time.
40) Scarlett Johansson - Black Widow, Iron Man & Avengers. She didn't look quite right, and the body type wasn't right, but boy did she do well with the material. I genuinely love watching her beat the crap out of dudes.
39) Luke Goss - Nomac, Blade 2. The underrated Luke Goss. His villain is a great match for Blade, on equal footing physically and evolving. Plus, there's some gangster menace and some horror menace to boot.
38) Liam Neeson - Ducard/Ra's Al Ghul, Batman Begins. This is great casting because they needed a guy who could pull the wool over your eyes, being both Ducard and Ra's. Well done all.
37) Brian Cox - Stryker, X-Men 2. Great actor, great character, great casting.
36) Peter Sarsgaard - Hector Hammond, Green Lantern. Yea, the movie was total crap. But I loved this casting from announcement through performance. The Hector Hammond I've always envisioned.
35) Sam Rockwell - Justin Hammer, Iron Man 2. I genuinely think this movie is a little underrated, and will be looked upon better in time. Rockwell is perfect.
34) Jack Nicholson - Joker/Jack Napier, Batman. I include the character's 'real name' because he really is more Napier than Joker. He's a sadistic gangster embracing a role, not so crazy as he seems. Cool idea and very iconic, it framed what the Joker was for all non-comic book readers.
33) Tim Roth - Emil Blonsky, The Incredible Hulk. Tim Roth bias! My favorite actor, doing his best pissed-off super soldier. I bought his character from front to back, even when he became a CG punch festival.
32) Elijah Wood - Kevin, Sin City. Holy shit. From page to screen, this one was a home run. And the way Elijah moves as the terrifying, bespectacled killer, is out of sight.
31) Morgan Freeman - Lucius Fox, Batman series. Oh, you think your casts are good, other superhero movies? Bam. Morgan Freeman.
30) Sam Elliot - General Ross, Hulk. Here comes the hate. I love Ang Lee's Hulk. General Ross is the real bad of this movie, and to me is perfectly cast and even iconic. The lunch with Betsy is awesome in particular. He just doesn't know how to love, people!
29) Michael Fassbender - Magneto, First Class. Just a great actor doing his thing. We were all pumped for this casting and happy the way it worked out.
28) Michael Caine - Alfred, Batman series. Oh, you think your casts are good, other superhero movies? Ba-boo-ya. Michael Caine.
27) Michael Clarke Duncan - Kingpin, Daredevil. I loved this casting. They basically found the biggest guy they could. Correct.
26) Alan Cumming - Nightcrawler, X-Men 2. Nobody saw this coming. I was pleased with the casting having been an Alan Cumming fan from Titus, but I had no idea he was going to rock that shit so hard.
25) Chris Evans - Johnny Storm, Fantastic Four movies. At the time, I thought they nailed this. Now, in retrospect, he's Cap, and the FF movies don't hold up all that well. But those scenes where Johnny's being Johnny, I bought Evans completely.
24) Jennifer Connelly - Betty Ross, Hulk. In a movie criticized for too much emotional depth, Connelly is the heart of the story. If you're a fan, she's amazing as Betty, and the complications of her and Bruce's relationship are what keep the story dynamic.
23) Chris Hemsworth - Thor, Thor. Only this low because he was mostly unknown before casting. Now, he's the only Thor.
22) Willem Dafoe - Norman Osborn/Green Goblin, Spider-Man. Shit yes. How good was this? He looks like a goblin anyway. Loved his particularly nasty kind of crazy.
21) Sam Jackson - Nick Fury, Marvel Universe. In the Ultimate comics, Nick Fury is drawn to look like Sam Jackson. When the role came up, all nerds looked at each other and went, 'Sam Jackson', and it was so.
20) Heath Ledger - Joker, The Dark Knight. This low because we had no idea what was coming. This high because he'd be number one on a lot of other lists I could put together. Like, best superhero movie character, period.
19) Wesley Snipes - Blade. Blade series. I think we can all agree this was a good casting, and in hindsight, the actor became synonymous with the character. We needed Blade to be a believable asskicker. Snipes.
18) Mark Ruffalo - Hulk, Avengers. I don't know what your friends thought, but mine were like, 'Exactly.' I agreed. No one was disappointed. He brought the underlying uneasiness that no one had before, that innate fear that at any moment, the 'other guy' might show up.
17) Ryan Reynolds - Deadpool, Wolverine. I didn't like this movie. But Reynolds as Deadpool makes more sense than pee goes in the toilet. Make this movie already, jerks.
16) Brandon Routh - Superman/Clark Kent, Superman Returns. Calm down. I know he's just doing a Christopher Reeve impersonation, but that's not the point. Plus, Reeve's Superman was iconic. This movie is a love song to the Donner films, and as such, Routh is perfect.
15) Mickey Rourke - Marv, Sin City. I guess they could've put anyone in the makeup, but who would've been this cool?
14) Natalie Portman - Evey, V for Vendetta. I wasn't originally going to include V, keeping it with the other non-superhero type properties. Then I thought, fuck it, I love this fucking movie. Portman is the heart, and she's one of the best actors on the planet.
13) Tobey Maguire - Peter Parker/Spider-Man, Spider-Man series. It's like people forgot how stoked they were when this was announced. At the time, the consensus was that Tobey was the all out best choice for Spider-Man. And he was.
12) Hugo Weaving - V, V for Vendetta. He is a superhero. He really is. I feel better. I love V, I believe in his cause, and I never see his face. Awesome.
11) Andrew Garfield - Peter Parker/Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man. This is similar to the Ed Norton casting for me. A skinnier, more modern take on Spidey. It just felt right, and still feels right after multiple viewings.
10) Mark Strong - Sinestro, Green Lantern. Surprise! Mark Strong is amazing, and I thought his turn as Sinestro was absolutely outstanding. So good, in fact, that it didn't feel like he should even be in the movie with all those other turds. The part after the credits was the most enjoyable thing in that movie, besides the part after-after the credits when I went home.
9) Alfred Molina - Doc Ock, Spider-Man 2. I had no idea how they would cast this one. When I heard the name, I knew they'd nailed it. And then the performance is full of motivation and heart as well. Nice work, everyone.
8) Kevin Spacey - Lex Luthor, Superman Returns. He's really good at this. If you didn't like the movie, I swear, he's really good at this. The right amount of menace, way less humour than Hackman's inappropriate bumbler, and the ability to make you believe in his ideology. "Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind. No, I don't want to be a god. I just want to bring fire to the people. And... I want my cut."
7) Jackie Earle Haley - Rorschach, Watchmen. Another character than many thought couldn't be brought to the big screen. Then they found the right man, and he found the right voice, and Rorschach bled with life. "Human beans" baby.
6) Ian McKellen - Magneto/Eric Lensherr, X-Men series. Could anyone else have brought this much gravity to the role? He was so perfect, no one said a word when this casting was announced. We all just nodded our heads.
5) Ray Stevenson - Frank Castle, Punisher Warzone. Yea, they put the property in the hands of some amateurs, and though fun, it still isn't up to snuff. But holy shit, is Ray Stevenson the Punisher or what? I suppose they do make him do some emotional stuff later that sucks, but when he's got guns in his hands and he's got 'angry face' I believed the hell out of it.
4) Ron Perlman - Hellboy, Hellboy movies. No one else could've been Hellboy.
3) Gary Oldman - Commissioner Gordon, Batman series. From the moment he gives young Bruce Wayne his coat, I was emotionally attached at the hip to Jim Gordon. Gary Oldman, probably the best actor on the planet, made this character absolutely sing.
2) Patrick Stewart- Charles Xavier/Professor X, X-Men series. He was the only one. I remember sitting on the toilet when I was a kid, casting the perfect X-Men movie. By the time it was actually made, all the actors I'd thought of had disappeared or were too old. Except one. Stewart was always Professor X, and everybody knew it.
1) Robert Downey Jr. - Tony Stark, Iron Man. I'm a huge RDJ fan, but I have to be honest. I didn't know it till I heard it. And when I heard, I went, "Holy shit, of course. He can bring the charm and the depth, the playboy and the genius. He's perfect." And he was. And he is. Almost singlehandedly putting the character of Tony Stark into the lexicon of people who thought Iron Man was just an old song.

Short Answer:

Top Ten Worst Superhero Movie Castings

10) William Hurt - General Ross, The Incredible Hulk. Bias! Not a bad actor, not a bad movie. I just never bought him in the role. I thought his scenes were dull, I thought he had little to no chemistry with Tim Roth, who's a chemistry machine. Didn't like it, no sir.
9) Alicia Silverstone - Batgirl, Batman & Robin. Fuck this.
8) Topher Grace - Eddie Brock/Venom. Huh? In the suit, okay. Face out? Put that shit away, skinny. I like Topher Grace, but this was a mistake.
7) Jessica Alba - Sue Storm, FF. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Short brown-haired Latina for Sue Storm, please. Put the crack away. Sorry.
6) Nic Cage - Ghost Rider, Ghost Rider movies. I like Nic Cage. I like that he's crazy. But what the fuck does he have to do with Johnny Blaze? Yikes.
5) January Jones - Emma Frost, First Class. Wow. Way to bring nothing to a role. This wasn't just not close to Emma, it was really close to a cardboard box. I've seen more menace in my stool.
4) Tommy Lee Jones - Two-Face, Batman Forever. I actually forgot the name of this movie for a minute there. 'Tommy Lee Jones, listen, Two-Face is a very complex character...' TLJ: 'I get it. I turn my face one way and I'm crazy, then I turn my face the other way and I'm crazy in a lower register. Got it.'
3) Kate Bosworth - Lois Lane, Superman Returns. Ha. I couldn't remember her name, either. Seriously, I think that a lot of people who didn't like this movie could blame that on the flatness of this performance and character. In a film that's quite emotional at times, she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain. I don't even necessarily think she's a bad actor, but bad casting, for sure.
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger - Mr. Freeze, Batman & Robin. Don't need to talk about this, do we?
1) Vinnie Jones - Juggernaut, X-Men 3. This was not Vinnie Jones's fault. I like Vinnie Jones. But man, this is not Juggernaut, and that Styrofoam thing on his head was not anything. I think they just opened a tea set and put the packaging on his head.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Question: Am I looking in the right window?

Do you see a bearded man in a pink cashmere sweater, lacy thong, garters and white nylons?

Is that man me?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, then the answer to the above-est questions is most definitely yes. Now smear some butter on your face and come in the side door, lovely.

Short Answer: You don't have to look in windows anymore. You can let evil creeps do it and watch their work on the internet, feeling totally free of any wrongdoing or responsibility. Yay, internets!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Question: When did 'tapping' become something else entirely?

I assume you're referring to the vernacular-y transfer of the word tap to mean 'fucking something'.

Most urban dictionaries (or urbane dictionaries, am I right fellas? Fellas?) say that the root of tapping an ass comes from tapping a keg. This makes a lot of sense, as we can all picture two dudes standing at a party near a keg, red cups of beer in hand, and one saying to the other as a sweet honey/chica walks by, "I'd tap that, know what I'm saying?"

Sure in this scenario, the other guy might be like, "What do you mean, Alfredo? There's no liquor inside of a girl. What's the point of tapping it if you can't get drunk off the insides?"

Then punching, then a slow explanation, then probably some gay ass-tapping, and then shit was born. (Most things, in my experience, are borne from two men getting sexually confused during a fight.)

When this happened is hard to pinpoint. I'd guess somewhere within the cross section of dudes creating euphemisms for sex and the invention of giant amounts of metal-encased beer.

My question to you, questioner, is what was tapping to you beforehand? Was it tap-dancing? Listening in on someone's phone conversations? Getting someone's attention via shoulder? That thing they do when they send telegrams back in the whenevers? What interpretation of the poor word was ruined by the idea of penis inside body?

I venture to say it wasn't ruined at all. I think tapping a girl, for example, is a wonderful phrasing. Because not only are you getting your stinky rocks off, you're also tapping her potential as a lady. What delights and surprises might she unleash upon the world simply due to your generous act of trying to absolutely murder her pussy with friction and impact?

Short Answer: When I met your mother.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Question: Is transparency the answer to rampant global corruption?

Nope.

Rampant global corruption is the natural evolution of our species. The evil that men do, and all that. We have proven throughout history that when a man achieves great wealth or great power, he more often than not continues to crave those things. That's very human, in my esteem. You set a goal, you reach it, and you set another one. If you're one of the people who's driven enough and focused on money and power, you will continue to set goals and continue to grow wealthy and powerful by any means necessary.

As for transparency making a lick of a difference, there's always hope, I suppose. But take America as an example. Some people in the USA, over the last few years, have blatantly tried to supress minority voting. Everyone knows it, no matter how it's 'disguised' - thinly and poorly in most cases - everybody knows what's really going on. That's as close to transparent as we're going to get, and yet they're still at it, gaining momentum and small to significant victories.

Another good example from the States is the rampant anti-abortion, anti-women's rights propaganda that spills from the mouths of important men. They're transparently mentally handicapped, and yet they're rarely reprimanded for trying to drag out society back into a time where women were second class citizens.

The simple fact that transparency alone doesn't solve these issues is exactly the problem. People have become so powerful that they are nearly untouchable. They can claim things like 'babies masturbate in the womb' and basically get away with it. We may all think this sort of ridiculousness is harmless, but for the base of these political leaders in particular, their uneducated constituents trust them and believe in what they say.

Transparency could help on lesser levels, on climbers who get caught before they're too powerful. But at the top, they're going to keep stretching the gap between the rich and the poor until something snaps.

Short Answer: In an America where a large percentage of people think that the President of their own country is the anti-Christ, a Muslim, or an 'Arab', what power does truth have? And transparency is useless if it's perceived as a lie, isn't it? If transparency, true transparency, is interpreted as 'the liberal media's biased agenda' it doesn't matter one lick. Perhaps, on less political fronts, truth still has some weight. I sure hope it does.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Question: What happens when you run out of inspiration?

I don't think I ever have any inspiration. That's why I write about tits, farts and sex with strange objects on a blog.

Wait, there is one way I get inspired, and the only reason I even thought of this is because it's happening right now.

I get inspired to write my blog entry quickly when I feel that I have to go take a poop. I get frustrated that I'm going to have to poop, while knowing I've accomplished very little so far in the day. So I try really hard to get something done - the blog, in most cases - so I can poop with a small sense of peace and accomplishment. Plus, it allows my the poop time to take notes for me creative work for the day. If not pooping in your computer chair isn't inspiration, then, sir, I don't know what is.

Short Answer: Yea, I don't know what inspiration is.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Question: What are the top ten things to do on a hot day?

I really faxed it in yesterday, so today I figured I'd tackle a difficult question. The problem for me with finding ten things to do on a hot day is that I don't like hot days. I don't like them at all. So it's kind of a serious matter, and a little hard to find the humour in my balls being as pasty as if I'd just dipped them in a burlap sack full of Elmer's glue and rat snot.

Top Ten Things To Do On A Hot Day

10) Exercise. I like to take ownership of my sweaty bits, so I like to do something that would make me sweat anyway, therefore negating the power of the sun, who is evil.
9) Fucking. This is very similar to the exercise thing, but even grosser, therefore the payoff is way better. Also, when you feel that yucky and sticky after sex, it fools you into thinking you did a really good job.
8) Not eating ice cream. Fuck ice cream. That shit doesn't cool you off at all. It just makes you thirsty. That's what you want when you're already thirsty. 'Hey doctor whose finger is currently in my ass? Know what would make this even better? Another finger.'
7) Sit the fuck down. Yep. We all know about this one. You make a terrible groaning sound deep in your throat because you hate the fucking world, and then you let your knees give up. Day over.
6) Get some sun. I hate to admit it, but sometimes, rarely - and often when there's a good breeze - I feel the need to be in the sun.
5) Get a sun burn. This is the shit that usually follows number 6, and you instantly feel like an asshole when you get that particular red sting, because it was your own stupid idea to 'get some sun' in the first fucking place.
4) Have trouble sleeping. I guess technically this is more of a 'hot night' scenario, and not the type with KY and cheeto dust. Everyone's experienced the joy of wet sheets, sticky backs and wide awake anger. And I'm still not talking about prostitutes.
3) Complain. This was almost my number one. It's just that when it's really hot, and I want to complain the most, it's too hot for that.
2) Sighing and moaning. This is the only activity I enjoy on a hot day. Every time I stand, roll over, or adjust to fart, I sigh like my dog's in the hospital and I'm waiting on results.
1) Make a friend who has an air conditioner. I'm an ornery fuck, but if you have air conditioning, I will blow you. Bjs make life long friends, in my experience. And who doesn't like dicks in their mouths in the middle of summer? Now shove over Steve, my pants are damp and you're hogging all the cool breeze.

Short Answer: Shut-up, sun!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Qeustion: What's your problem?

Top Ten Possible Problems (with me)

10) I was hugged too much.
9) My sauces were often overly dry when I was young.
8) I was once attacked by an ironic defense robot.
7) Too much sleep.
6) Googly eyes.
5) You know that thing where a muscle twitches on its own? I've got that in the brain.
4) Not Jeff Goldblum.
3) Effeminate misogyny.
2) My glasses look back into my eyes.
1) I used to masturbate to Ace of Base.

Short Answer: I totally slept in. And shit is super foggy. My head is wiggling back and forth as I write this. Uh-oh...pouty face! Pouty face, pouty face, pouty face...angry face!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Question: Saw your #comedianbands on Twitter. Can you do more?

Not only will I do more, I'll include the ones from Twitter because I'm lazy and fuck today.

Top Ten #ComedianBand Names

10) Carlin Rae Jepson
9) Bill Styx
8) Kathy Dennis Leary
7) Burrth, Wind and Fire
6) Chris de Hedberg
5) Bachman Schumer Overdrive
4) Cosby, Stills and Nash
3) Arcade Pryor
2) Gaffigan Starship
1) Seinfeld and Garfunkle

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions to: Bob New Heart and Don Ricklesback.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Question: Why is Phyllis a name when syphilis is a thing?

Same reason that Asturbate is a name.

Asturbate isn't a name? That explains why my dog always shits in my moccasins. Though I don't know how else to describe that thing he does with his ass on the carpet, 'cause he sure looks real fuckin' happy when he's doing it.

The name Phyllis means foliage, and comes from an old Greek story. When her husband doesn't return from the Trojan War, she hangs herself from a tree, and a then another tree grows where she's buried - filbert makes most sense, though most claim almond. So you can see, based on the foliage and the Trojan thing, how someone was like, 'That's a good word to put into the word that means that horrible disease of the crotch.'

Short Answer: In truth, syphilis doesn't seem all that bad until it kills you. Nope. Nope. Never mind. Just saw some pictures. Abort getting syphilis!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Question: Can you write us a new poem?

Every time I do this off the top of my head on the blog, I write a way better poem than I should, and end up regretting that I didn't keep it for myself to sell.

That being said, I have to answer the question.

Maybe this time I'll write a shitty one.

Bloop. blorp. bleep.
Robots take shits too.
Bloop, bloop, blooop.

Whattya think?

Yea, alright. I'll do it properly.


  Empty Graves

  As poetry, lay empty graves
brimming with desire full
ungrateful for the time they've spent
as spirits of impending purpose.


Short Answer: Bloop.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Question: What are animals thinking?

Horse: "I have a huge dick and when I pee it sounds hilarious."
Cow: "They're gonna eat me. Either that, or they're gonna squeeze my tits. I just know it."
Cat: "What the fuck is this?"
Dog: "Yes."
Camel: "Would someone please scratch my back. I'm telling you, there's something there."
Pig: "I bet I taste super good."
Bee: "I'm gonna totally fuck this flower."
Ant: "I'm trying to go for a walk by myself, guys. Dammit."
Lemming: "It's not that far down. Hey, don't push!"
Sloth: "What day is it?"
Moose: "Think I'll go say hi to all these weird, fast and shiny mooses. I'll bet they're friendly and won't kill me at all. Just gotta step up onto this odd black stuff and..."
Deer: "What? You hear that? Oh, no it's nothin'. What?"
Antelope: "Antelope."
Zebra: "What the fuck happened? Oh, real funny guys."
Frog: "I am well read."
Tortoise: "I have no intention of winning this or any race, nor do I have a philosophy pertaining to said event."
Raven: "I love Ray Lewis."
Three Blind Mice: "We love Ray Charles."
Human Keith: "What the fuck am I doing right now?"

Short Answer: The moose thing was the moose getting hit by a car. Don't know if that was clear or not. Cool. (And yes, moose think that the plural of moose is mooses.)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Question: What was the last thing you bought?

The answer to this is almost always going to be food. So taking that into account, and assuming that people will find that pretty boring no matter where the cheese came from, I'll omit food items.

The last thing I bought was two pairs of underwear, two t-shirts, and seven pairs of socks. I hadn't made a purchase like that in a long time. I even had an embarrassing moment when I went to the lady at the desk and asked about the brand of underwear I like, and she told me that they hadn't existed in a few years. I said, "Don't tell my wife, that." The girl laughed, and I died a little inside.

I don't often buy things for myself. The last major purchase I made was probably my DVR, and that was a few years back now. Shit, now I'm getting paranoid that something's going to break and I'm going to have to replace it. Damn you, question.

Oh, wait. The last thing I bought was an ankle brace because I tried to tear everything good inside my ankle while standing still the other day. It was awesome. I had a panic attack, mid-calf, and my ankle twisted every which way but not twisted. It sucked.

Short Answer: The last thing I bought for a hooker was a valentine that read, "Now that you have HPV, we're not going to do sex anymore."

Monday, July 1, 2013

Question: What is this urgency to uphold tradition?

Did a madlib just grow consciousness and ask me a question?

I certainly don't think of tradition as an urgent pursuit. But if you just mean the desire to uphold tradition, it's because humans are creatures of habit who take solace in routine and shared memory. That's why 'Scary New Thing Day' didn't fly and there were 700,000 murder-suicides on Family Day.

If this question is about Canada Day, I'm also at a loss because I've never had any Canada Day traditions. Besides, maybe, avoiding downtown.

I think fireworks are dumb and even the few times I've managed to enjoy them I've had to have my penis up against some part of a woman's body to accomplish it, and afterward went home feeling doubly empty; due, of course, to the lack of real human emotion despite physical contact and the fact that I was entertained by pretty lights in the sky.

Short Answer: I do recommend coming during the grand finale.