Sunday, June 30, 2013

Question: People everywhere are complaining about the heat. How are you doing?

Oh, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Shit, you mean about the heat?

First of all, not everyone is complaining about the heat. Some people are complaining about actual shit, like syphilis and hairy underknuckles.

The heat can go fuck itself. I don't like rivulets of liquids anywhere near my jammed pockets of solids. I like to not feel weather at all. 16-18 degrees Celsius. That's my wheel house. Anything above 20 and I start to notice. Above 25 and I get a little annoyed. 30 bodes well for those who like the 'summer of murder' theme.

I don't think we should ever be hot or cold. There's too much technology for that, now. So when the sun does it, I'm all like, "Fuck you, sun."

I think, to balance my discomfort, there should be a lot more toplessness in regular society. A sweaty boob here or there can really lift a man's squidgy spirits.

Short Answer: I do like sundresses.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Question: How long should you trust a teddy bear?

Until the lights go out.

Glassy-eyed monstrosities of unbidden human design have no place near me. That shit wants to eat me and I know it.

And if one of those eyes starts to get loose, gets that whole googly-eyed, I-can-see-in-more-directions-than-you thing going on, it's dump time, and I don't mean the fun kind of dump.

Remember when teddy bears started talking? Yea, fuck that shit. I don't want to be your friend, devil spawn and you can hug your own damned self.

Short Answer: Care Bears are the exception. They don't want to peel my flesh back and gnaw on my salty innards. Well, except for Donner Party Bear, but he had a limited run and is awfully expensive on eBay.

Note: Donner Party Bear's tummy symbol is a snowshoe. Don't get it? Look that shit up!



Friday, June 28, 2013

Question: Torts is the new coach, any thoughts to quell my nerves?

This question is referring to John Tortorella, newly hired coach of the National Hockey League's Vancouver Canucks.

Now to answer the question.

Nope.

The guy's one of them there lunatics. All soft and squeezy until something goes wrong. Then it's bench yelling, media bitching, and all around spoiled child behaviour.

I just pray to Gretzky that Tortorella doesn't try to bring some sort of uber defense to our team. I'd like to believe he's a good enough coach - and the numbers say he is - to evaluate our personnel and adjust his style accordingly.

Hey, that was kinda positive, right?

We're boned. Welcome to more big market shenanigans and a guy who distracts from the team. Careful what you wish for, fans; Torts is kinda the anti-Vigneault when it comes to staying cool, calm and professional.

Short Answer: Maybe he can re-ignite some Kesler fire. He knows Ryan from earlier in their careers, and because of Kesler's shaky relationship with Vigneualt, this might be just the thing to get the center scoring forty once more.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Question: How do you deal with a mailman who lingers his hand on yours?

Using lingers this way makes it sound like something way worse, like the German word for dribbles or some shit.

This reminds me of an old joke. "How do you stop a pitbull from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck him off."

If the mailman is too flirty, try giving him what he wants. A faceful of furry ballmeat. Often people don't really know what they're getting into when they flirt. A good shock to the system might take the lingering right out of him. Or the dribbling.

Another way to deal with this is to put something sticky on your hands, and when he looks at you funny, tell him don't worry it's just ______.

(Fill in the blank with any combinations of these words.)

Cow
Pig
Ferret
Human
Larval
Tom Selleck
Gonad
Old

&

Blood
Semen
Insides
Outsides
Farts
Anal leakage
Mucus
Ear Gack

Examples:

"Don't worry, it's just larval mucus."
"Don't worry, it's just Tom Selleck farts."
"Don't worry, it's just ferret semen."
"Don't worry, it's just gonad blood."

You get the idea.

Short Answer: Feel free to be creative. Try an exotic animal and another word for semen. "Don't worry, mailman. It's just giraffe spunk." or "Don't worry, it's mostly lemur jizz. Mostly."

Note: I don't want any emails telling me that 'gonad ear gack' isn't a thing.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Question: Can you give us a top ten list of topical jokes?

Top Ten Topical Jokes

10) "So they say the Cold War is officially over. Tell that to the Canadians!"
9) "When a Sauroposeidon sits around the house, he really sits around the house."
8) "You hear about this Woodstock Festival? I think I had that in my pants last night when my 18 year old cousin was over for dinner."
7) "They've finally gotten a statement from Anne Boleyn. She just wanted to get a head in life."
6) "This just in, the Wright Brothers' arms are tired."
5) "Note to self: Apartheid has nothing to do with the wash cycle, except for the whole not mixing your colors thing."
4) "They just invented something called antiseptic. I guess now we can safely poop in the streets."
3) "Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold were kicked off a plane. In a statement released later, American Airlines clarified that they weren't too fat for the seats. They were just grody."
2) "Did you hear this? Did you hear about this? Ronald Reagan is going to run for President of the United States. That's what we need, another president who's good at lying."
1) "So now we're going to have a Civil War. In other oxymoron news,  the North wants free slaves."

Short Answer: Sauroposeidon was thought to be the biggest dinosaur in the world for a bit. Now he's not again. Stupid scientists, always discovering shit.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Question: What was the most recent movie you watched? Can you review it?

Alex Cross (2012)

A character from some twenty James Patterson novels, Alex Cross was portrayed on-screen previously by Morgan Freeman in the movies Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider. Good thing I'd forgotten that, because any comparison between Tyler Perry and Morgan Freeman is going to go in one direction, and I mean landslide style.

I'll try to keep the spoilers at bay, but it's difficult to review a movie without spoilers when the movie is one giant cliché after another. Each scene, more painful than the one before it due to accumulation, is a facsimile of what two characters would say in a typical movie seen. It got so bad, that I started saying the lines that the characters were going to say before they said them.

Then, there's an hilarious 'Mendoza' moment, which contains every cliché imaginable except the blatant expository claim that someone's retiring in a few days. Followed by scene after scene of a man that is so bland his desire for revenge seems out of place, as there is much too much passion implied, but never seen.

Suddenly, I find myself in a bad OnStar commercial, where I had to pause the movie and go back to recapture the joy of feeling like the feature film stopped and a cheesy ad campaign started, rife with super intense music that didn't fit the pace of the film.

But it's Rob Cohen, quite possibly the worst director in the world still getting semi-regular work. (Too harsh? Resume: The Mummy 3, Stealth, xXx, The Fast and the Furious, The Skulls...) And it felt like the damned film had been written by a person who had never written a film before, only watched them and tried to recreate what he thought a film should be.

The choice of cast didn't help the feel that this was a poorly wrought stage play. Edward Burns checks in as the buddy cop who yells all the time. Burns was cool for a half a second once, then we all realized he wasn't much of an actor. Rachel Nichols plays the third cop, though they've managed to make her as unattractive as she's ever been, stealing that tiny pleasure away.

And then there's Tyler Perry. I've never seen one of his movies, and maybe because all I've ever seen is posters of him in drag, every time I saw him in the film, it looked like he'd just changed out of his woman outfit. He tries to emote naturally at times, and may in fact be a capable actor. But somewhere between bad everything - including direction, if I may point a fat finger - his attempts at drama come up sour and foppish.

One might argue that the only good thing in the movie is Matthew Fox as the 'crazy, wiry, mma fighting, torturous lunatic'. I disagree. The man is trying so hard to be villainous that he comes across more like Bullseye in the Daredevil movie than a realistic, frightening big bad. Also, the character is another uninteresting loaf. Doesn't matter how crazy you are if I don't know who you are, why you're doing things and what I should feel. Just a guy with wide eyes cracking his neck, not a character.

This movie is a semi-frozen turd popsicle. It's a 3 out of 10 across the board, which for me, maths out to be about a 2 out of 10.

Short Answer: Don't watch. 2/10

Monday, June 24, 2013

Question: Have you ever lived abroad?

I've lived as a broad. Does that count? It shouldn't. Wasn't my choice. My mom wanted a girl, especially after that horrible tragedy where I 'accidentally' let my sister drown in the tub.

But no, I've never lived out of country. Can't do it; they talk funny. And the food's too yummy, like everything was being eaten at the ballpark.

And I don't like travelling, even one way.

Short Answer: I've been to Sweden. I liked Sweden. I could probably live there. Their schools are good so they all speak English. And the food isn't overly yummy. Also, I seem to recall that the women I met there were rather forward sexually. That helps a great deal. Especially when you're naturally sexually defensive. You need someone with a good offence.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Question: Why do ties hurt?

Unless you're dangling from one, a tie shouldn't hurt.

And if you are dangling from one at this moment, don't worry, this question won't matter in just a little bit. In addition, sorry the short fall didn't snap your neck. Tough break.

If you mean this in a more psycomalogical way, like, "Having to wear a tie to work hurts my soul" then I feel your pain, brother. I do. But suck it up. Ties actually look pretty good. And you can always do that thing where you loosen your tie a bit and pop the top button. Shit, you can do that the minute you get to work so it looks like you've been there for hours crushing it.

Ties hurt my eyes sometimes. That sucks. My recommendation, as much as you might want to be a character from an 80's movie and wear like a Daffy Duck print or something, is to wear nice ties. Expensive ones, even. You want a tie to say, "I'm dressed for success" not "Are you into Funions?"

Short Answer: One thing that will make wearing a tie hurt less is having your hot lady friend tie it for you. While she's doing it, make a sweet joke, then carry the resulting up-close smile with you all day. You know, that smile that says, "If you weren't on your way to work right now I would totally blow you." And if you don't have a girl in your life, or god forbid, a girl that doesn't give blowjobs, you could always try the dangling thing from the beginning of this answer.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Question: Can you do a new Top Ten, please? Your choice.

Top Ten Cary Elwes Character Names


10) Ethan Belfrage
9) Kenneth Shine
8) Rafferty Dickenson
7) Steve Horsegroovy
6) Bobby Wobbly
5) Fritz Arno Wanger
4) Gremlin Gus
3) Pierre Despereaux
2) Guilford Dudley
1) Russ Wheeler

That didn't take long. Here's a bonus list.

Top Ten Charlie Sheen Character Names


10) Lt. Dale Hawkins
9) Dick Brewer
8) Zane Zaminsky
7) Boy in Police Station
6) Lyle Wilder
5) Oscar 'Hap' Felsch
4) Bud Fox
3) Ditch Brodie
2) Fats Gripp
1) Topper Harley

Okay, one more.

Top Ten Judge Reinhold Character Names


10) Caleb Fowler
9) Alby Drake
8) Tobe Rasmussen
7) Beckman Hallsgood Jr.
6) Evan Mink
5) Seaman Wolfe
4) Buford Lowry
3) Merkhan
2) Thadeus Thorogroin the 3rd
1) Lucius C. Meeks

Last one, I swear.

Top Ten Val Kilmer Character Names


10) Mason Lancer
9) Simon Templar
8) The Sherpa
7) Dr. Dark
6) Bogardus
5) Inish Scull
4) Gay Perry
3) Dieter Von Cunth
2) Iceman
1) Madmartigan


Short Answer: Shit. That was fun.

Note:

Top Twenty Steve Buscemi Character Names


20) Templeton the Rat
19) Archie, The Electronics Store Clerk
18) Switchblade
17) Whining Willie
16) Clint Fitzer
15) Lenny Wosniak
14) Mister Shhh
13) Test Tube
12) Theodore Donald 'Donny' Kerabatsos
11) Rockhound
10) Bananas the Clown
9) Hesch Abramowics
8) Martin Kunkle
7) Dead Pimp
6) Willy 'The Weasel' Wilhelm
5) Nucky Thompson
4) Aldolpho Rollo
3) Anton Marvelton
2) Map to the Stars Eddie
1) Mr. Pink


Friday, June 21, 2013

Question: What does it feel like to have sex with many beautiful women?

It hurts your prostate.

Seriously, a series of situations in a row where you're trying to control exactly when and where you ejaculate is very taxing on the inny bits. Just one bj and I start to get a little roughed up in the old sock drawer.

You did mean in a row, right? There's nothing overly interesting about having sex with many beautiful women in your lifetime. Other that the fact that it barely affects the soreness level of your prostate. That's kinda dull.

It feels like if you lied down on a bowling lane, and let someone huck one into your goober-pit.

Oh snap, thinking of bowling, I came up with a great name for that girl you picked up at the bar that you shouldn't have.

Gutterball.

Short Answer: It's overrated. Find the best rack you can and stick to that one.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Question: Could you, would you, with a goat?

I know this is you, Seuss! I could recognize your signature prodding anywhere. And how dare you imply that I would have sex with some ungainly animal other than Mrs. Seuss!

Ba-fucking-zing, you rhymey bastard! Go write a real book, you wannabe Roald Dahl motherfucker!

Short Answer: If the goat was dressed like a female goat, I might consider it. And if it was positioned at the edge of a cliff so it would have to fight back, of course.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Question: How do you know if you're a witness to history?

If you see yourself in the background of a Dateline story. Waving.

You can't tell if you're a witness to history until the important people decide what history is. Unless you're one of the important people, and in that case, you're a witness to history any time you want to be, because you can make it into a big fuss any time you want to.

For the most part, what we think of as history takes quite a long time to be sorted out. For example, we don't think much about slavery on a regular basis, but in North Korea right now there are prison camps where generations of people are treated like slaves for suspected crimes. Fifty years from now, we might look back on that and think it's a pretty big deal. Also the rampant disease situation in many parts of the third world and the hunger epidemic. We think some random bombing is big news because it gets big play, but history will weed out the more important, more telling stories that indicate what kind of people we were at any given time.

It's not looking good, fuckers.

We're the generation that thought owning a slightly better IPhone was more important that taking care of other humans.

Short Answer: Oh. Sports. Anytime you watch sports. We record all of that shit for later.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Question: What do we really need?

If that song is right, it's whatever we get sometimes when we try to get what we want but then don't get that.

I think what most of us is need is a bit more sex, a little more relaxing-the-fuck-out, and a shitload more empathy.

Ladies and gentlemen, put a dick in your mouth. Really, get to it. And fucking stop worrying all the time. Shit ain't as bad as it seems. And try to see things from other peoples' perspectives. Judgement has become a fucking favored pastime in the first world, and that ain't so swell.

Also, we need moderation in moderation, and we need to get rid of stupid phrases and irony.

Short Answer: I speak for everyone on the planet who's ever had even the most minor health scare when I say: If you're healthy, you've already got most of what you need. Figure out the happy, and you're covered.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Question: Can canned tuna attack in the night?

Go to the hospital.

Was can-canned on purpose? And why does that make me think of Toucan Sam? I don't think he ever did the can-can. What is the can-can?

Why am I asking so many questions?

Is this thing on?

If you're afraid of being attacked by canned goods after dark, I'd be more afraid of the baked beans. I've had some baked bean attacks in the middle of the night and that shit is memorable. You know those farts that are similar to the sound an angry bear makes when you're in its cave, and then the sound escalates to a very loud bark before cutting off sharply and leaving everyone in the room in total shock?

Yea ya do.

Short Answer: I feel like I missed something with this question, like maybe it's an anagram or a palindrome. Or another metaphor for sex. Canned tuna? Gross.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Question: What do you think of Father's Day?

Having never been a Father, therefore never having the sense of being under appreciated on a very grand, yet focused scale, I don't have many feelings on the subject. I do think it's weird that we can celebrate fatherhood as something special, when all it takes is a drunken insertion to qualify. You don't even have to be good or present after that.

I think holidays like this should be more specific. Like, Father Who Never Molested Anyone Day, or Father Who Didn't Inundate You With His Own Prejudices and Fears Day, or Father Who Put Up With Your Whore Mother Day.

A lot of these holidays are cash grab, consumer fuck jobs. If you need a special day to appreciate someone who deserves appreciation, you're a broken ass sack.

Short Answer: I like Mother's Day better because mothers seem genuinely appreciative of the extra attention. With fathers, it's like they know it's all bullshit, so it's more awkward. "Way to go, Dad. Thanks and junk." "Yea. You're welcome, I guess. You still a disappointment?"

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Question: Why do people vociferously leap to defend the muppets?

Because the Muppets are awesome you piece of shit! I'll cut you! How dare you, sir? How dare you?

What does vociferously mean? Sounds like something Sweetums mispronounced because he was gorging on Muppet flesh.

I've never met anyone who isn't a fan of the Muppets. That shit is funny, and it's not made out of people. Get it?

I don't think there's much more to say. You can sit down with just about anyone and have a Muppets conversation, about your favorite characters, moments, that sort of thing. I knew one guy once who was uncomfortable around felt, but he still thought Gonzo was funny.

Short Answer: Vociferous: adj. marked by or given to vehement insistent outcry. Yaayyyayayayy!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Question: Can you do a whole post without using foul language?

Of course.

Snotchbutter.
Snatchguts.
Piemangler.

Happy?

Fucker?

Short Answer: Fuck, shit, cunt.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Question: Guns blazing or silent entry?

I always want to go in guns blazing, but the ladies seem to like the silent entry. Then, I'm supposed to build up to the guns blazing. What's with that, ladies?

This question isn't about sexy time, is it?

Oops.

Still...why can't I go in guns blazing, ladies? It doesn't always have to be sweet and tender. Can't we make an anger baby? Can't we slay the timid snatch dragon? Can't we play all 18 holes in the rough?

Why do we have to be gentle robbers in the house of the holy? Why sneaking footmen in the garden? Why tip-toe through the tulip?

We can alternate, it's cool. I guess. Oh, you're not in the mood, now? That's okay. I didn't wanna make love anyway, I wanted to muddle your outside parts with your inside parts in a blazing hip-crush of slappity man flesh.

Maybe later.

Short Answer: If Jack Bauer can do both, then so can I.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Question: If you're the management team for the Vancouver Canucks, what 3-5 qualities are you looking for in your next Head Coach?

I'm looking for a 3-5 year term contract.

I'm looking for 3 out of 5 dentists to agree.

I'm looking for 3 out of 5 on the 6 question math quiz.

I'm looking for 3 to 5 playoff round victories next season.

I'm looking for 3 to 5 goals scored per game.

It would also be nice if he was handsome, and not John Tortorella.

Short Answer: I want an offensive minded coach with class and dignity. And two huge balls. There's 3 to 5 for ya.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Question: How do I negotiate with gravity?

It's probably already too late for you if it's only now that you're deciding you need to negotiate. This makes me think that you've already tried to beat, coerce and bribe gravity to no avail.

Assuming you haven't already hit the earth at a whopping speed of 200+ kilometers, I guess I can lend a hand.

Just let me get a few things I might need here. There we go.

You're an idiot.

The only possible explanation for this scenario I can come up with, other than jumping out of a plane and dying in sploogey heap of beefagetti, is that it's some kind of sexual metaphor. Like you're doing that fucking thing where you pin a lady against the wall while you're holding her up, but every time you thrust forward she slips a little bit and you start losing your angle and it feels like your wanget is gonna snip off in the middle part. In this case, I'd be thinking about how to sum up that last bit of energy to fling yourselves back onto the bed rather than trying in any way to sustain the position of wallbanger. It's not worth it. Your knees can't take it, your back is already destroyed and trust me, she doesn't like it all that much anyway.

The only other way to negotiate with gravity is the way I negotiate with everything.

The threat of rocket fuel.

Short Answer: Thanks for the extra fries, every time.


Monday, June 10, 2013

Question: My secret identity has been compromised. What are some good fake names for me to go by?

If you're looking for other types of secret identity names, you'll probably have to use something that sounds incredibly stupid that is formulated specifically to sound like you're trying overly hard to be cool. At least that's what movies have taught us. You can pretty much mix and match any of these names.

We're talking names like Lance Kane, Logan Briggs, Dean Hunter.

or

Lance Hunter, Dean Briggs, Logan Kane

You get the idea. But if you really wanted a secret identity, you'd go with a name that isn't so obviously a character that Lorenzo Lamas played in a movie. Ted Porter. Art Steinberg. Jim White. That sort of thing.

Hank Titties is right out.

Short Answer: I could spend a day playing name combinations for this shit. Nathan Black, Gideon Steel, Gabriel Cohen, Ace Keller. Every time I see one of these names in a film I roll my fuckin' eyes.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Question: What do you get when you mix misery with sorcery?

Harry Potter?

No, but seriously, fuck Harry Potter. I understand there are a bazillion fans of his, and apparently Rowling is a good enough writer, but I've had to deal with this little fucker for too long.

Some dick: "Oh, you write fantasy? Like Harry Potter?"
Me: "No. Not like Harry Potter."

Some other dick: "Yea, the books are kinda kiddie at first, but they get really dark."
Me: "No. By contrast, within itself, it gets dark. It's not like Clive Barker was hired to write the final chapters."
That same dick: "Who's Clive Parker?"

Just for the record, 'things getting dark' doesn't mean they get better. That's the kind of shit people come up with when something isn't good enough.

Studio Exec: "The reason the Green Lantern movie didn't work was because it wasn't dark enough."
Me: "Green Lantern was a walloping shitmess. Darkness would've only hidden your shame."
Studio Exec: "Back to the mail room, person who knows more than me."

Truth be told, I've never read a fucking word of the Harry Potter books, and the movies were somewhere between boring as shit and pretty good. The problem lies in how many times I've heard these same patterns. Like subconsciously people know it's not that great, so they have prepared answers referencing its increasing subtlety and scariness. Problem is, there's a lot of great entertainment out there with subtlety, scariness and every other thing that's used to explain to the uninterested why Harry Potter 'gets good'. Why wouldn't we just go watch those things?

I don't want to read a Fantasy book about little kids, the same way I didn't give a fuck about little Anakin Skywalker. I don't want to read a fantasy series that changes and evolves with the writer, when I could read one by an established dude with consistent style and levels of 'darkness' or whatever his jam is.

So I don't know how good Harry Potter is. And I don't care. Enjoy it all you want and stop coming to my house with pamphlets.

Short Answer: Content wise, though people try to tell me that Harry Potter can be enjoyed by adults, especially as the books progress, they don't have the realism of the adult world that I like in my Fantasy. At least, they didn't in the movies. For all I know, Weasley fucks Hermione until she dies and then cuts Harry's face off with a war axe. I'm just assuming he doesn't.




Saturday, June 8, 2013

Question: Are there monsters where you come from?

Just because I was conceived and somehow also born under a bed doesn't mean...wait a second. That would explain a lot. My penchant for shadow lurking, closet jumping, and face shouting would make a lot more sense if I came from monster stock.

Ha, Monsterstock. Like Woodstock but with less finger rape and a lot more people being gobbled up.

There are monsters everywhere, and I come from a cold, inhospitable island where one hardly sees the sun, they eat fish bones and all, and are often mildly to very intoxicated. We call it 'The Rock' and we despise all Mainlanders. Yea, I'd say we've got some monster stock.

Ha, like you put monster bones in a pot and add celery, onions and carrots, cover with water and then boil for at least an hour.

My mom used to grind bones to make her bread. And my grandmother used to skin children. And my great-grandfather wore corduroy pants.

Monsters all, the way I see it.

Short Answer: There  are monsters wherever you're from, unless you're from the land of tasty, peaceful pussbags. Then you're just meat.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Question: What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Shit all. Ice cream is fucking stupid. Frozen fat for your feelings. Alliteration! Better than ice cream since ever.

Seriously, why would I want to have cold shit in my mouth? That doesn't make sense at all.

Now the chocolate part, that does help. And if this was about a less popular frozen treat, say some sort of soft ice cream situation that was dipped in molten chocolate, that would be different.

One sec. What? Dairy Queen is more popular than Klondike bars? Oh. Shut up!

Klondike bars have a shit-ton of fat. I save my fat calories for pizza, wings, burgers and meaty fuckin' sammiches. I don't like wasting them on squares of unpleasant temperature.

Short Answer: I'd fuck a horse. There, you happy?

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Question: What's the largest amount of money you would lend someone?

Three dollars. No wait, a bazillion dollars. No, no dollars. Four hundred thousand dollars. Hold on...

Yea, I don't know.

This question just makes me think about how generosity is linked to income. I can be generous with hugs, squeezes, love and questionable tactics, but I can only actually give someone food, money or shelter if I can afford to. That sucks butts.

Don't get me wrong, people can starve, go broke and die of exposure for all I care. It would just be nice to know that I could, you know? If I didn't hate one of the particularly unfortunate. Like if a celebrity fell so low that they needed crack money or something, a celebrity that I'd liked a lot in my childhood. Good thing none of those people have drug problems or are currently experiencing never ending downward spirals.

Irony!

I think, if I knew you not to be a dickbag, I'd loan you any amount of money. But if there's even an inkling, even the scent of a bag filled to the brim with many, many dicks, you won't get a dime. Bad enough I have to wonder who I lent my books and dvds to, I don't want to be trying to figure out where my mortgage payment went.

Banks!

Short Answer: I think, for most relationships, borrowing money should be off the table. Shit, I find it difficult when someone wants to pay for my mani-pedi.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Question: Where should I go on vacation?

I'm not much for vacations. The way I figure it, if your life doesn't suck, you don't need to get away from it. People put too much stock in staples like vacations and fireworks and getting drunk. These aren't things that are great. They don't relieve stress, or take your mind off of things any better than more fun activities, you've just been brainwashed to think they do. Ever just talked to a friend about your problems to make yourself feel better? Then you can do whatever you want right after, and not have to be on a plane.

If you do have to go on a vacation, I would definitely recommend all the places in the world where you're not likely to be kidnapped. My next criteria would be to go to a place that you have a distinct connection to, preferably familial in nature. That way you're not just 'getting away' you're deepening your understanding of yourself and it becomes introspective and educational. The third thing to consider is food. Go somewhere where the food is famous. Food is amazing everywhere, but it's nice to experience popular regional cuisines. Then you can home and tell everyone how to pronounce pho, or that their 'tapas night' is total bullshit. If you're not going on vacation to tell people you went and correct their ideas, what's the point of going at all right?

Right.

Short Answer: I've literally punched every single person I ever met who uttered the words, "You've never been?"

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Question: So what do you think of the final four in the NHL this year?

Too bad I couldn't get to this question sooner. Sorry, lotsa people need to be told to go fuck themselves, perhaps I'm one of them.

I love the final four. Last four champions in the conference finals? Has that ever happened before? Probably when there was only a few teams...

Anywho, I've had a gut feeling all year that Boston was going to win the Cup, and I've been wanting a Boston/Chicago final for a few rounds here. No good reason, just seems like it would be cool with all the badass history of those hockey towns.

While everyone was extolling the virtues of the Penguins, I was quietly saying I think Boston is going to win the cup. I'd say, "They're deep" and someone would say, "Pittsburgh is deeper" and I'd say, "Deeper in your uncle's butt."

The moral is, Boston is up 2-0 and I'm looking pretty fucking bright right about now.

Short Answer: I probably just jinxed everybody. Pittsburgh and LA are now going to win in six and go on to the Cup.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Question: How do you catch a mothman?

You can hire a netman or get a lightbulbman. Birdmen will often eat mothmen. So will spidermen and batmen, but there are rights issues when hiring them.

Obviously you're talking about that weird urban legend about the moth-looking dude who shows up before bad shit happens. Because that dude doesn't exist, it's pretty hard to catch him. Just go watch Mimic, that's pretty close. Or if you do believe, set up some huge, terrible super villain style tragedy and he might show up and point his hairy finger. Then you can be all like, "Hah!" and jump out with a garbage bag.

My wife and I got into an argument when the The Mothman Prophecies movie came out. I thought Mothman was a last name, and pronounced like Mothmin, because the idea of a movie about a 'moth man' was so retarded. Turns out it was I who was retarded.

Short Answer: I think you gotta make one before you can catch one. And stapling the drapes to your little brother's back won't cut it.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Question: Some rapper's extol the virtues of Sizzurp, what other culinary delights can we expect from them?

If I'm not mistaken (Ha!), sizzurp - also referred to as purple drank - is a concoction made primarily of cough syrup to get one, how you say? fucked up. Not sure that counts as a culinary delight. Though I'm sure there are all kinds of other delights, like puking in your friend's mom's coffee maker.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. If we do want to pretend that rappers don't just add the letter z a bunch to make new words, I wouldn't know where to begin with how they come up with their rhymey concoctions. Plus, rappers are a pretty diverse crowd. They could have all kinds of dietary needs. I bet a lot are 'veegz' and a ton more are 'gluzzfree, coz'. I wouldn't dare to assume that they all eat the same kinds of Kaloriezees.

Short Answer: The destruction of the English language, though necessary so that the stupids may take over, is not one of my favorite subjects. Says the guy who literally used the word 'slutheap' in front of the Queen.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Question: I wear spandex shorts, so is there a dude's equivalent of a camel toe?

Look, man, we all know you wear spandex shorts. It's no big news. I can see your bundle from three blocks away.

I guess seeing the outline of both the fruits and the snausage could be considered a form of the camel toe. How's aboot...

Elephant face?
Acorn squash?
Brass knucks?
Heirloom tomato?
The Cyrano?
Vaguyna?
Miohippus?
Hairy Manilow?
Smuggling gang signs?
Gnome cheeks?

Try some of those on for size. See if they fit the ball...I mean bill.

Short Answer: A miohippus is a prehistoric three-toed horse. This is a better choice then the better known three-toed sloth, because the sloth's toes have talons and don't look at all like balls or wang, unless there's something really wrong with your business deal.