Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Question: Where shouldn't I be when the gherkins have their reckoning?

Just outside the rim of the bottle.

Other than that, I think you'll be fine. Unless you don't like small amounts of brine in your eyes. If you're used to having worse stuff in your eyes, like a fresh dollop of my blowgurt, then you're going to do okay.

Short Answer: Blowgurt.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Question: What advice do you have for a dumpster survivor?

Do you mean like a dumpster baby? Or is there some other kind of dumpster survivor, like someone who got a dumpster dropped on them?

I guess my advice would be the same.

Keep on truckin'.

Short Answer: I find most wisdom comes from bumper stickers. That's how you can tell if someone's proud of their kids, and what kind of other vehicle they own, often to humorous effect. For example, my other car is a Romulan Warbird. Giggle.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Question: Are your socks the racist kind?

I'd have to say yes. I'm not an argyle man, if that's what you're implying. And I may have different drawers for the sports socks and the dress socks, but it's not because I'm afraid they'll mix, I just thought they'd be happier that way.

And I don't want any grey toe socks up in there, if you get my meaning.

Wow, all jokes aside,  I hate those socks that have the toes. That creeps me out way worse than color. I think that might be the real world equivalent of hating physically disabled people.

Short Answer: What would a racist sock look like? Oh, no, I got it. Christmas socks, all colorful and cute, with little swastikas. Yea, I'm not a racist. I'll just stick to the plain old white socks.


Saturday, April 27, 2013

Question: Do you need fewer questions?

I was kinda leaning the other way. Like, I was hoping to get all the questions. Ever. Then, in the future, tall, hairless versions of us will look back and think I was some sort of soothsayer, sage or prophet. Then, I assume, people will worship me and expect me to give them virgins and bikini-mambo lessons in some sort of afterlife.

And I will oblige!

Short Answer: I need more questions. Give me more! (Picture me bottomless, kneeling on my bed, throwing question marks into the air and letting them spatter down onto my face. Now, do it again but picture a bigger wang, jerk.)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Question: Your blog-wife sounds wonderful, where can I meet one like her, and how do I woo her?

Saying my 'blog-wife' makes it sound like she's not my real wife. She is, and though I do embellish for the sake of humour, she's not all that far from the woman I describe.

For example, I've said, "My wife is very attractive when she's naked." This is undoubtedly true.
The fact that I also find snails without their shells attractive is irrelevant.

I've also said this. "I have a rule of penis in my house. If someone else's penis is bigger than my penis, my wife isn't allowed to fuck it. She may only fuck smaller penises, or I lock her in the bathroom after a poop." This is all true, but misleading. My wife loves poop.

"In the summer, my wife, who loves pajamas and is retarded, will often go to bed topless with just the bottoms on. Many a time she will wake in the middle of the night, sweat curdled between her boobs, and slide off those damn bottoms 'cause she's too hot. And every time she does it, I'm happy, 'cause she's supposed to be naked in bed. It's way more awesome for there to be a naked woman lying there, instead of a fuzzy teddy bear. I'm not a pre-teen girl; I want to cuddle up against some naked rumpus." This is entirely true except now she has 'summer jammies' which consist of a nipple-hugging top and thin shorts. Welcome to getting banged at four in the morning all summer, bitch.

I've said that my wife's vagina is 'clean-shaven'. This is true, but so is her head, so...

"I like to slap a down-low five with every dude who bangs my wife. To say that my hand is sore would be an understatement." This is true, but I've put the emphasis in the wrong place. My hand is not as sore as my wife's vagina.

"My wife thinks it's okay to pay for sex." Only when she does it.

"First off, my wife is a whore, so I'd be very surprised if she managed to have only a one night stand with anyone." Not true. She'll have a one night stand with a night table if it has a decent job. And it does.

"Gary Oldman. I would take him to wherever my wife was and let him do her." True.

"My wife made sex to a chick on my birthday in my bed 'cause I threatened to take away the magic of Shlong Ballsenberg if she didn't." All true except I actually call my business Dongballs Heatherington.

"If by [getting her in the mood] you mean my wife, I like to use a nagging, unending campaign of violence and poorly wrought innuendo. There's no accounting for taste and she's a weirdo, so what can I say? I'd rather use rose petals and warm baths but she thinks roses are dumb and doesn't like cleanliness." True except the violence. Unless tapping a sleeping woman on the forehead with the tip of your wang is violence now. Geez.

"How about the one where my wife doesn't throw up on our honeymoon?" Yep.

"I believe that my wife is more attracted to naked women than she is to me. Oh wait, that's called the real world. Jackpot and also I'm a loser." If only this were true and if only we knew Mila Kunis, who she really does think is super hot.

"In case you're still angry, my wife is a Mexi-Jew. Just picture a young woman with a beard and a Yarmulke standing in line at Taco Time." Yea, I just made this up 'cause I wanted to make racist jokes. Though she does like Taco Time. It gives her the shits, boy.

"I was with my wife for nine years before we got married, and we had gotten tired of each other long before we tied the knot." True except we never got tired of each other. Love you, baby.

Short Answer: This is like one of those old sitcom episodes where they come up with a crappy premise so they can piece together snippets from older episodes instead of making a whole new episode.


Oh, and to answer the question, you can't find a woman like my wife. She's one of a kind. And even if you could, you can only woo her with a level of awesomeness found so rarely in nature that it has hardly been seen with human eyes. Or if you're good at farts. She likes farts.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Question: What's the longest you've gone without sleep?

It must've been around the time I worked graveyard shifts. I would work through the night on the weekends, then have to alter my schedule to work a six in the evening shift on Wednesday. I used to stay up for a couple of days after my evening shift, then sleep for a couple of days after the weekend. I recall being awake for as long as thirty or thirty five hours.

Sorry I don't have any hilarious stories or insights on the matter. That time in my life was rather frustrating. I remember that it made me poop terribly, in directions and with infrequency and some unnecessary liquidity. On the other end of the spectrum, I remember when I was really tired that beef jerky tasted amazing, like manna from above.

I believe in sleep. I've attempted to get eight hours of sleep my entire adult life, and have succeeded a surprisingly high percentage of the time. I actually probably average closer to eight-and-a-half hours a night.

Short Answer: That's it. I can't think of any other time that I would've been awake for a notable period. Unless it was a menstrual thing. That would be notable, and would probably keep me awake for a while, 'cause I'm a dude.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Question: Is there a way to cancel a FedEx-ed box of poop?

Because the process of cancelling the shipment of a box through FedEx is the same no matter what's inside, coupled with the fact that this question uses the word 'cancel' in a way that I wouldn't think proper in relation to stopping a package, I'm going to assume that this is a blatant metaphor for something.

Long sentence, that.

The problem is, I don't know what this metaphor could be.

Here'a a theory.

You got a girl pregnant. The growing fetus is the poop, the woman the box of poop. You FedEX-ed your semen into her, and now you'd very much like to avoid the responsibilities of being a father.

Here's what you do.

You 'punch' her in the 'stomach' until she doesn' have any 'babies' left. Wink, wink.

Short Answer: I'd like to think that people don't send poop in the mail. But I can't. That's right, guilty as charged. That's what you get for scratching my sensitive face, Gillette!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Question: Is the water wide?

I don't know. Is the water your wife's vagina? 'Cause if it wasn't wide before, it is now that I drove my tractor through it.

I know what this question is in reference to. Some stupid song that I don't care about it. Make note, if James Taylor sung it, I don't care about it. If Dokken had done a version, maybe I'd be in.

Dokken would make your wife's vagina extra wide and extra wet.

By the way, if this question was asked by a woman or a gay man, here's the alternate answer.

I don't know. Is the water your husband's b-hole? 'Cause if it wasn't wide before, it is now that I drove my tractor into it and hit the prostate.

Short Answer: The water's about as wide as my fist. Why am I so belligerent today? Oh yea, my blanky is in the wash.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Question: Why is the senate minority allowed to subvert the wants of over 90% of Americans?

I'm not getting into this again.

Okay, maybe a little.

America is broken. Check.
Elected officials take jobs as a lucrative career path, not to actually represent their constituents. Check.
Modern democracy doesn't give people what they want, it allows large corporations to tell them what they should fear. Check.

Besides the above obvious, the gun bill that was 'voted down' was a shameful, watered-down piece of crap. Also, this whole filibustery, needs more than a majority voting thing is being savagely abused in America. They filibuster everything now, which much like the modern interpretation of the 2nd amendment, isn't in the spirit of the law. America is pretty much the only advanced, sophisticated first world country that doesn't decide things by simple majority.


I don't understand how people put up with this garbage.

Short Answer: If you didn't have people filling their constituents' heads with lies and misinformation, they might just figure out who they should really get to represent them. A little knowledge could go along way. Sometimes I think that maybe that's what the information age is for, giving people an avenue to the truth through globalization, rather than listening to the greedy rhetoric of your local oil man.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Question: If Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan came and told you to stop writing or he would melt your brain, what would you choose to do instead?

I've often thought of exactly this scenario. My fear, if this were to happen, is that I wouldn't do anything. That writing is the thing that I do, and I don't do other things. I didn't have a whole lot of success in my life at other jobs. My story is a typical one, of short-lived, menial jobs that ended badly, often with me telling someone to stuff an inanimate object into a fleshy place and then getting canned - which is funny 'cause you could easily call stuffing a stapler in your ass getting canned as well.

I think I could teach, but who'd let me? Most people don't like to hear the words fuck and cunt every three sentences. You're right to counter with the idea that I could teach swearing. I could do that. Again, my skill set doesn't really lend itself to jobs that actually exist.

I guess I couldn't do stand up if I wasn't allowed to write, so that would only leave acting. But I've always been a little too handsome for the silver screen. I don't want to ruin every body's jeans just to have a decent job.

Is jizzmopper the pissboy of our times?

Anywho, I guess the answer is nothing. I really feel like I'm doing what I should be, despite how ridiculous that concept may seem. I don't feel like my work is work, and I love it. I love doing it, talking about it, telling people that I do it, and talking about it some more.

I'm a real bore.

Short Answer: Wait a sec. If my brain was melted, I wouldn't give a shit. Just give me a handful of turtles and sit me on the couch in front of the loud colors.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Question: How do you feel about deserted island questions?

I like them a lot.

I love lists. It's fun to try and figure out what's most important to you. It helps you define yourself as a person and makes you feel like you're touching yourself in a pleasant, non-physical way. I end up being very pleased with my answers. Or getting incredibly frustrated because it becomes obvious how petty I am and how pathetic my tastes, life and entire personality are. I'm so trivial, that I'd actually bring a bunch of useless, unimportant crap to a deserted island. Might as well bring razors and slit my fucking wrists. Not like I'm going to survive the loneliness anyway.

I think I've come around on this.

Short Answer: This is not one of the questions, nor is it one of the answers, that I would bring with me to a deserted island.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Question: I hear your birthday is coming up. What's the plan?

I really think you gotta embrace birthdays. When I was younger, I'd always downplay it from some sense of false humility. Then, I'd end up doing nothing on my birthday and feel like an idiot. That's a crappy feeling, to take away your own special day.

So now I plan multiple things, tell everyone in advance, and make people wash my feet.

As for the plan, my sexy readers, there isn't one. Not one that involves you at least. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to include you, ask you to send me gifts and such, but I'd be afraid of getting a box of poop in the mail.

Short Answer: I'm a big boy now.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Question: What wouldn't you eat for one billion dollars?

Absolutely nothing.

There is literally nothing that I wouldn't eat for one billion dollars.

Here's a few things that come to mind that I would definitely eat for one billion dollars.

Horse ejaculate on toast.
Turd Popsicle - my whole family division.
The stuff that collects in the corners of people's mouths when they're really dehydrated. (Like yogurt I'd eat that.)
The frothy asparagus pee, jug form, from the entire Lingerie Football league.
Creamed hog anus.
A slim jim that was laying at the bottom of a urinal at the movie theatre all night.
Man pube potato cake.
Toenail bisque.
The dead udders of a mad cow infected heifer that had been put down by poisoning its udders.
Placenta smoothie. Human flavor and extra chunky.
Carol Burnett's backwash.
Recently used lice shampoo, squeezed into my gaping mouth through a pastry decorator.
Blackhead caviar.
A freshly aborted dog fetus rolled in cat dander. You know, a 'snowball'.

Short Answer: Oh, I forgot to mention. Don't read this before trying to eat a meal. And by the way, if you're eating at a restaurant that doesn't make you wear a jacket, you're eating some of this stuff anyway.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Question: Could you describe your relationships with women using every letter of the alphabet?

A: All of my balls
B: Both inside
C: Cock too
D: Deep in there
E: Every millimeter
F: Fucking
G: Gonads and penis, yes
H: Heaving awkwardly
I: Inside the anus
J: Jumping up and down
K: Killing romanticism
L: Lathered
M: Moistened
N: No withdrawal, just forward motion
O: Other orifices filled with fingers
P: Poo suggestions
Q: Queries about time of completion
R: Rending sphincters
S: Spontaneous Bowel Evacuation
T: Tip of the thumb
U: Undercarriage drips
V: Vaginal earthquake
W: Whammy!
X: Xenogamy of ball sweat to ass crease upon withdrawal
Y: Yentl on Netflix
Z: Zees (as in sleepytime)

Short Answer: Notes: Xenogamy means spreading pollen around. Yentl is a dramatic musical film from 1983 starring Barbara Streisand that's basically about a cross dressing rabbi wannabe. Hence the above, post-coitus humour.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Question: Why are so many high schoolers part time rapists these days?

Extra credit?

Look, people have always been evil and dumb. The fact that everything is captured by phones and put on you tube is exposure do to technology more than it is a shift in paradigms. What I'm saying is I don't think kids are more rape-y, they're just getting caught because they're too stupid not to film their idiocy.

I don't know this for sure, but I'll bet the statistics back me. In my generation, the term date rape became very popular, which is another youth oriented sexual assault. I'm guessing that men of all ages have been forcing themselves on women and each other since the beginning of time, or at least the beginnings of human time.

Anyone remember that old caveman joke, about bonking a woman on the head and dragging her home by the hair. 'You my woman' and all that? Yea. Not consensual.

As a side note to anyone out there, don't rape. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, it's altered logic. There are many kinds of altered logic. Bed logic is my favorite; when you wake up in the morning and you think it's the worst idea ever to get out of bed, even though the night before you wanted to get an early start. So you stay in bed, 'cause fuck stuff. My point is, when your penis is full of blood, you're brain isn't. What seems like a great idea, is in fact, a very, very bad one. Imagine someone sticking their business in your holes when you're not down. Not cool, man.

Short Answer: The fact that I felt that I had to address how rape was 'not cool' makes me think I might be wrong. That maybe kids do need a little lesson in how to treat each other in the information age. It's possible that the impersonal nature of relationships via social media is deadening their empathy. I hope not, but it's possible.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Question: Do you feel pressure to be funny every day?

Yes! Thanks for noticing. It's like a giant fart, swelling inside your rectum, that never seems to want to come out.

Though on this blog in particular, I don't feel like I always have to be funny. I think the question is very crucial to that process. The way I respond to a question, my natural inclination, dictates whether or not the answer is primarily funny, written with a sense of silliness, or entirely serious. I kinda just go with the flow, so in that sense, there isn't much pressure.

I also like to go with the flow when I'm having wet BMs. Why struggle, right?

Short Answer: I feel the most pressure just as I climax, right before the Stretch Armstrong doll is pulled from my bottom.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Question: How can we make love if we can't make amends?

Seriously? Michael Bolton?

I don't know, man. I guess you just gotta pretend that it's someone else. Wrap a duffel bag around her head and do it for the ransom money or something.

Wait, that's something.

Put a diaper bag on her head and do it for the children.
Put saran wrap over her face and do it for leftovers.
Put a feedbag on her and do it for the horse.
Put a watermelon on her head and do it for Gallagher.
Put a dishtowel over her head and do it for the food service industry.
Put a Lone Ranger mask on her and do it for Tonto.
Put her in the cowl and do it for Jason Todd.*
Put a bucket over her head and do it for chicken.
Put a lunch pail on her head and do it for thermoses.
Put a crown of thorns on her and do it for everyone.

Short Answer: I don't think I know how to make love at all, and I'm pretty sure being angry wouldn't help. That's what makes for fuckin'.

*The cowl is a reference to Batman, and Jason Todd is the second Robin, killed by the Joker.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Question: What is your first memory?

I'm not quite sure. I actually have a memory of being dropped, though I don't know how old I was. (Ha-ha, get it all out of your system.)

I think my first memory is when I crawled out of my crib to go to the bathroom. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, because I don't know how the toilet-training/still sleeping in a crib thing lines up. But anyway, I climbed out of the crib and I was wearing a shirt but no pants and I ran through the house and my grandmother shouted at me because I wasn't wearing bottoms.

Now that I think of it, this has got to be two memories mixed up. I think the first part, the climbing from the crib, must be my first memory. The other thing happened when I was sixteen or seventeen.

Short Answer: Not my first, but one of my earliest memories was watching John Carpenter's Halloween with my uncles, before my mom realized what was going on and dragged me from the room. Not only do I vividly remember what I saw, I can also exactly recall the dream I had that night about the movie.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Question: What are the top twenty things you thought humanity would have by 2013 but don't exist yet?

Top Twenty Things We Should Have By Now

20) The three shells from Demolition Man instead of raking our asses with dry paper.
19) Flying/Self-driving cars.
18) Religion based on Salma Hayek's cleavage.
17) Blade runner-ing
16) A drug produced by the government that sells under a sweet name like 'Pulse' that controls the masses and kills a large percentage of users to keep the population down.
15) Meatballympics
14) Electric razors that don't hurt your face.
13) Corrective eye surgery that doesn't disgust you and often works.
12) Baby-making licenses.
11) Hand held laser guns.
10) Real superheroes.
9) Immortality.
8) All of our information coded into a scannable tattoo on our wrist.
7) Locks that respond to voice tone and timber.
6) Prison death match television show.
5) Robot butlers or Robo Butlers or Botlers.
4) Robot prostitutes or Robo Pros or Rostitutes.
3) Dystopia.
2) A biological catastrophe that kills a lot of humans.
1) Holographic tech. I.E. Computer interfaces that don't require screens or physical input devices like keyboards.

Short Answer: There's a lot more. Our minds are too big for our bellies.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Question: Do gay parents make for gay kids?

Statistically, no.

But 97% of children raised by LGBT parents are fabulous.

I thought this question deserved a token joke.

That is all.

Short Answer: If being gay was a choice, which it isn't, wouldn't you be more inclined to rebel and do the opposite of what your parents are doing? I'd think skewed stats toward hetero-sexuality would better help the 'gays can't raise kids properly' argument.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Question: Was Guy Fawkes a pawn?

For those not in the know, Guy Fawkes was the most famous member of the 1605 Gunpowder Plot to blow up the British parliament. He was captured, tortured, and then just before he was to be hung, he jumped off the scaffolding and broke his neck. Then he was drawn and quartered, and sent to the four corners of the kingdom.

In many English colonies around the world, they still commemorate this day (Nov 5th). Where I'm from, they call it Bonfire Night, and they light huge-ass fires.

Was he a pawn? Doubtful. Guy Fawkes was so committed to Catholicism that he fought for Spanish catholics in the 80 Years War. Just because he was the guy sitting with the gunpowder beneath parliament doesn't mean he was coerced or convinced in any way. Someone's gotta babysit the explosives.

By all accounts he was an affable, rugged sort with intelligence and plenty of military savvy. Not the type to be led about.

Short Answer: If you haven't seen the movie V for Vendetta, you should. It's cool.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Question: Which acoustic guitar songs should I learn to be the life of the party at summer camp-outs?

Top Twenty Songs to Perform Acoustically Around the Campfire

20) Walk Away (1994) - Ben Harper
19) Wanted Dead or Alive (1986) - Bon Jovi
18) The Wizard (1972) - Uriah Heep
17) Heaven Beside You (1995) - Alice in Chains
16) She Talks to Angels (1990) - The Black Crowes
15) Landslide (1975) - Fleetwood Mac
14) Yesterday (1965) - The Beatles
13) Hallelujah (1984) - Leonard Cohen
12) Big Yellow Taxi (1970) - Joni Mitchell
11) Hard Luck Woman (1976) - Kiss
10) More Than Words (1990) - Extreme
9) El Scorcho (1996) - Weezer
8) About a Girl (1994-Acoustic Version) - Nirvana
7) Ahead by a Century (1996) - The Tragically Hip
6) All the Things I Wasn't (1989) - The Grapes of Wrath
5) To Be With You (1991) - Mr. Big
4) Wonderwall (1995) - Oasis
3) Wish You Were Here (1975) - Pink Floyd
2) Patience (1989) - Guns 'n' Roses
1) Every Rose Has Its Thorn (1988) - Poison

Top Ten (Classic) Songs to Perform Acoustically Around the Campfire

10) Hotel California - The Eagles
9) Blowing in the Wind - Bob Dylan
8) Fire and Rain - James Taylor
7) Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
6) Heart of Gold - Neil Young
5) Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
4) Tuesday's Gone - Lynyrd Skynyrd
3) Blackbird - The Beatles
2) Dust in the Wind - Kansas
1) American Pie - Don Maclean

Short Answer: That should get you started.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Question: Where do asses feature in the grand scheme of things?

Below your waist but above toilets.

If there is a 'grand scheme' I'll bet asses aren't even mentioned. Unless the grand scheme is titled, "Where up in Salma Hayek's body would you like to stuff three and a half fingers?"

Short Answer: I like those gifs of ladies pulling their underwear up over their butts and then the butt jiggles. That's probably in the grand scheme. The grand scheme of boners! Right guys!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Question: What advice would you give to a culinary newb intending to cook dinner on his first date?


As in, order pizza.

And Revenge of the Nerds. Watch Revenge of the Nerds while eating pizza. Then grope like you're an angered ape lady.

Cooking is not a talent. It's a set of skills. If you don't have them, attempting to cook is like slapping someone in the face. Might as well serve a boiled turd rather than make a fool of yourself trying to cook something that will end up tasting like a boiled turd.

The issue here is palette. As in, if you don't have experience cooking, you''ll have a hard time knowing what tastes good as you're preparing your dish. This takes away the ability to adjust on the fly, which is a major part of non-recipe cooking. (Allow me to insert here that you could just follow a recipe, but that to me isn't very impressive and shouldn't impress a date of any quality. You're basically a monkey following instructions.) There are very few Mozarts out there who can eat well enough - and for long enough - to be able to reproduce those things in the kitchen without any experience.

So be a man and fess up to having no culinary skills. Try inviting your date to cook with you, so it's a bonding thing and you can both be blamed for the culinary fetus you've prepared. You can make googly eyes and smile across the table while you chew incessantly at the rubbery crap in your mouth. And if you're real suave, you can say something like, "Blowjobs are way easier than this."

Short Answer: Keep it simple and season your food properly. That means salt and pepper, bitch.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Question: What are some alternatives to being married to the job?

I guess you could have a long term relationship with a hobby.

Is that what you want? Is that the joke you're setting up?

I guess you could be engaged to some volunteer work.

Oh, you like that? Yea, makes you feel good, doesn't it?

Maybe you could have a crush on a long-term sabbatical.

It's so long! Yes, yes! Give me the whole sabbatical!

What about fingerbanging a group interview?
Or some over the clothes fondling at orientation?
How 'bout some fisting for your internship?

Okay, got a little carried away there.

Nobody likes fingerbanging.

Short Answer: Heavy petting apprenticeship. That is all.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Question: (AKA) How would you cure the current trepidation in the upper ranks of the literary world?

With rape.

I know rape isn't supposed to be funny, but can't you picture it? Some hoity-toity, thick glass wearing fuckeroo getting bent over his cherry wood desk while suffering through the bowel adjustment of a good old fashioned raping?

If there is in fact trepidation in the upper ranks of the literary world, then I am the one who is in fact being raped. To have a dream and have something as simple as timing keep you shut away from it is total and complete horseshit.

But I'm not bitter. No sir. My desire to rape my own archetypal idea of an intellectual on his own stupid desk in no way signifies a stretching of my patience to the degree of forced penetration. What ever would give you such a silly idea, friend?

Short Answer: Rape is rarely the answer. What do you mean, never? Oh, you think you're better than me, huh? What have you got under those pleated slacks you piece of... (thumping and screaming).

Note: I think it's important to point out that in the above answer, all rape is man on man. Like in prison. And we all think that's pretty funny, so...

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Question: Do you believe in God? (any god at all)

I believe in waistcoats.
I believe in...

panties that have cute animals or sayings
hungry eyes Eric Carmen style
morphine before catheters
pride before the fall
two piece suits
spontaneous bowel evacuation
salmon sharks
Jon Snow

...and I've always been afraid to say I don't believe in god out loud in case he hears me and gets pissed. I figure as long as I don't believe in my head, he can forgive me. I also believe that because I'm funny, god will like me and cut me a lot of slack.

I don't begrudge people who believe in god. Only 12% of the planet doesn't. I just find that the way atheists carry themselves on the subject is much more appealing. I almost feel like I chose atheism because I like all the players on that team better.

Almost everyone I've ever spent a lot of time with is an atheist. And I grew up with a very relaxed approach to religion, King Henry the VIII style. As Anglicans on the east coast, we would scratch out the word Catholic on stuff and replace it with Anglican. No joke. There must've only been one supplier of paper prayer pyramids.

If I was supposed to believe in god, I was set up to fail. I was baptised, confirmed and then out. No mass, no prayers, no encouragement. I wonder how many people who are indoctrinated severely by their families would've chosen a different path? I bet if you let people decide for themselves, you'd have a lot more than 12% on the side of no.

It's a hard subject to talk about for me, because the major difference I've noticed in my life between the atheists I've known and the people who believe in god is intelligence. Atheists, in my experience, are deeper thinkers, more introspective and self-reflective. Maybe I've just met the worst of the Saved, but when someone tells me the responsibility for their actions is being handed to god, and then they go beat their wives, it makes me wonder if we should be shirking our responsibilities so lightly. The pattern of, "I used to be bad, then I put my life in the hands of god. Now I'm righteous and I can judge others" is really unhealthy.

I think if people who believe in god could learn to shut the hell up, we'd all be a lot happier.

Short Answer: Believe what you want. Leave each other alone. There's no right and wrong, only being a douche and not being a douche.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Question: Why is it that if a person has an abortion at 12 weeks, it's not illegal, but if a person punches a pregnant woman in the stomach at 12 weeks and the baby (fetus) dies, that person is charged with murder?

Good lord.

I guess it's that mothers are allowed to murder their own children. Like when your mom says, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." She's not just posturing. That shit is legal.

It couldn't be that the justice system is a mess of ridiculous crap that left morality in the rear view a bazillion precedents ago and is now up for interpretation and manipulation by every money grubbing ass in the practice of law.

Good thing sarcasm isn't illegal. Oh, what?

I revoke that last bit of sarcasm for fear it will incriminate me.

Wait, is this a trick question? Is it like that riddle where a guy and his father are in a car crash and the father dies and then they rush the guy to emergency and the doctor says, "I'll take care of him. He's my son." And you ask how is this possible and everyone's stumped, and then they say, "The doctor is his mother," and you feel like a total asshole?

What I mean to say is, does the mother die when you punch her in the stomach? Is that like the trick murder in the scenario? 'Cause I know from sarcastic experience that if you punch a woman hard enough in the gut she'll throw up and fall down. That's not far from dying.

Maybe it's like pre-crime. A mother can chose to abort a fetus at 12 weeks 'cause it's not 'alive' yet, but if someone externally kills a fetus, you have to assume it would become alive, and therefore you're killing someone in the future. But then by that logic (cause there's so much of it in this answer) if you kicked a guy in the nuts you might be charged as a serial killer.

Masturbation is mass murder as well, now that I think of it

Short Answer: Thanks for making abortion fun, everyone!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Question: How much can you learn from an anus?

I'm gonna go with not a 'hole' lot. Get it?

Seriously, what can you learn from a butt hole? Here's how to throw-up poop! I think we all know how to do that...eat poop.

Short Answer: Maybe I just have a stupid anus. Though I know he's familiar with BEDMAS. Get it?

(Note: BEDMAS means brackets, exponents, division, multiplication, addition and subtraction and indicates the proper order in which to solve an algebraic expression. Here, it implies that I pooped in my own bed.)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Question: How you feel about April Fools day?

I think it is dumb.

Pranks are my least favorite kind of funny. Making someone suffer humiliation for our amusement is messed up. I mean it's one thing to be able to see the humour in a situation, like laughing when someone falls, but it's entirely something else to cause that person to fall so you can laugh at him.

I know this all may sound weird and grumpy coming from me, because I'm generally down with anything funny, but it's true. Pranks can fuck off. The only pranks, in my mind, that are even remotely humorous are the ones that involve a naked lady. Then, despite what amusement you're getting from the mark's embarrassment, at least he got to see a naked lady.

The idea that we take one day a year and make up ridiculous lies on purpose is not only stupid, it doesn't work because the day is the same every year. So there's the added humiliation when you pee on the saran wrap that your idiot roommate put over the toilet, because you're like, "Fuck. It's April Fools day."

Short Answer: I take everything in stride, see the humour in most things, and am pretty chill about lotsa stuff. If you prank me, I end you.