Thursday, February 28, 2013

Question: Hey Me, do I like getting hit in the head with a hockey puck?

Nice one, Me. Yea, I love it. Just about as much as I love nearly breaking my finger, jamming it into purple oblivion.

Today was a douche.

Short Answer: Grateful I didn't get cut open real bad. My own fault; went to catch the puck, whiff, donk. Puckwhiffdonk.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Question: What are some things that should always give people the willies?

If a stranger calls you 'little boy' despite your age or gender.

When you shower, a third hand washes your body.

People who leave a stain when they die.

Homeless women with crab claw feet.

Wide open mouths accompanied by throaty inhalations.

Hair emerging from your drain, computer, open window etc.

Kind vampires.

Misbegotten youths.

When your wife wakes up in the middle of the night, turns the corner of the blanket into a weapon and 'stabs' you. (True Story)

The prospect of alien contact.

Hardcore fundamentalists of any variety.

The singing voice of Screamin' Jay Hawkins (fr: I Put a Spell on You fame).

Every time a 'news' program uses fear to get ratings, based on the agenda of their parent company, as opposed to reporting news to keep people informed.

Short Answer: Willies all the time, people.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Question: What are some good ways to distract people from your imminent diarrhea?

This question if very specific.

I guess, to treat it fairly, I'd have to admit I'd be pretty honest.

"Listen up, everybody. I'm gonna shit. It's gonna be loud, it's gonna be wet, and there may be some splash back. I'm gonna work fairly hard to aim away, but you've been warned. So I don't want any splatter complaints later. It's gonna happen. Bite down hard, we're gonna get through this."

Obviously this is no distraction. I suppose, "Look over there..."(shit) would be as much distraction as you're going to get. Once the wet work starts, people are going to know. There isn't a distraction interesting enough or long enough to keep people from wondering where those terrible sounds - like wet-socks being sucked through a garden hose - are coming from.

Short Answer: Maybe if you were tricky. Like, "Someone over there is going to have a huge diarrhea. You hear that? It's happening! No, I swear it's coming from over there."

Monday, February 25, 2013

Question: What did you think of last night's Academy Awards telecast?

I addressed this on Twitter a little already, but I'm glad I got this question. It needs to be fleshed out in more than 140 characters or whatever the hell it is over there.

I thought Seth was gonna be a lot better. I was behind him from the beginning and thought he was a good choice. I was hoping for a Dean Martin, but with the inconsistency of the material, I kinda got a watered down, frat boy Ricky Gervais. My main complaint is that the material was really inconsistent. Despite the 'big news' that the show had a theme - which I thought was a good idea - the jokes were every kind of joke you could imagine. From low brow, to much much too quick for the audience (His half-second impersonation of Robin Williams saying 'Ben, it's not your fault') to really risky (the inside Lincoln's head joke. Did they really think that room would laugh at that?) to the multiple times he said, "That's why it's live" to cover up a blunder.

It could've been charming. He's charming. But it kinda came off as amateurish. Like they'd prepared this amazing show, but it was all going a little awry, so let's be casual and self-deprecating like we're doing stand up down the road and people aren't into it. Well, I don't like that approach. I want to be into it. I'm sitting there at home, hoping to be into it.

I thought the opening bit was quite good. Shatner's always a great idea, and it allowed them to show off what I thought was going to be the style of the show. With the pre-recorded bits, some great jokes and a lot of originality, it was the start I expected from Seth Macfarlane. So where did that go? A series of vignettes of a man trying to get his bearings in a huge room with random jokes, and actors doing awful bits - also inconsistent - with very little to no professionalism. It was actually a treat for me when Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda came out and seemed to know their lines. I appreciated the attempt from Rudd and Girl-Farley, had no idea what the Avengers were doing (other than wasting the awesome awards show talents of RDJ) and found myself desperately waiting for a Galifiniakis or a Ferrel to come save the day with a properly prepared bit. Shit, even Stiller might have been a relief from the monotony, and his shit is often the worst at the Oscars.

Honestly, the highlight of the night for me - in terms of presenters - was when Dustin Hoffman simply said, "You're a good dancer" to Charlize Theron, exposing that brilliant and irrepressible charm that the man has. That was a nice moment. Otherwise, I can't think of a thing that worked. Even Streep came out and stuttered her ass off like a butthead. Not so cute that you're befuddled when you didn't just win the award, lady.

On a positive note, I thought Daniel Day Lewis's speech was one of the best ever. Short, sweet, funny, real.

So where were the other great speeches? There's usually at least two, with a funny one, one where someone cries, and an effects guy being either super classy or just downright hilarious. What a disappointment. I thought Jennifer Lawrence was great, but after she fell, I thought she was going to light it up because she's so funny. Instead, she kept it short. Boo.

That enough answer yet? I feel like I'm being overly negative. Funny to say it, but I enjoyed the show. I usually do, just for what it is. And this wasn't, not by any stretch, the worst Oscars ever. But it just felt like a lot of missed opportunities. I barely even remember the last 45 minutes as I sit here because it felt so rushed. Seth starting making Rolodex 'we've been here too long' jokes pretty early, and all the bits dried up so it was just getting down to business with the big awards. I felt like I was being ushered out of my seat, and I think my mind started to wander off.

Best Joke of the Night: The other dude who produced Argo saying that he was part of the most attractive three man producing team in Hollywood.

Worst Joke of the Night: The Kardashian one. And people laughed. I guess the Oscars is a tough gig.

Best Performance: Loved seeing Shirley Bassey, but I thought Jennifer Hudson really put some stank on that song.

Worst Performance: Not her fault, but putting Norah Jones out there for a minute, than having her stand there right before they said her song didn't win. Also, I thought it was a little uncool that after the in memoriam stuff, they segued into Babs doing Memories with a picture of Hamlisch on the screen behind her. I guess he was the most important dead person because he fit the theme.

Short Answer: Was Seth feeling under the weather, maybe? I swear he's a better singer than that. Just didn't have that pop last night. Too bad. I hope he doesn't get it too bad from the media. He strikes me as the kind of guy who's very kindhearted, despite what he does for a living.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Question: If you were given ten minutes to speak freely to congress, what would you say?

Listen up, Congress.

You guys are a bunch of dick bags. Who doesn't do their job? Am I right? Your asses would've been fired if this was a Chucky Cheese.

No, but seriously. You guys are a bunch of dick bags. Just do stuff. Like help the country and junk. Don't be all like, "Bleh! I don't like what he thinks about gay stuffs." Or "I'm not working with Mr. Loves Mexicans" Or "Why should I have to hate lady parts?"

In the rest of the world, when smart people have to figure stuff out, they talk. You guys have regressed to pre-school level name calling, and taking-my-ball-homery. It's weak. Super weak.

By the way, Congress, one of your balls is showing.

Knibb High football rules!

Short Answer: Keith out. (Was that ten minutes? No? Thirty seconds? Shit.)

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Question: You've blogged a lot about scary movies, but what would you consider the top ten scariest songs?

My instinct, if taking this question seriously, is to write a list of the music that actually scares me. But it's all horror movie stuff, and I've posted about horror movie themes before. So I'll just quickly mention that I think the scariest music comes from scary movies, my favorites being the themes from Halloween and The Exorcist.

That song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, when they're floating down the pshydidaelic hell-river. That shit is pretty scary.

The Freddy's coming for you rhyme from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies was always a good portent for arriving evil. And any time you got little kids singing...

Speaking of little kids singing, though I've never heard music assigned, the Ring Around the Rosie song became frightening to me when I found out it was about the plague. Turns out, the rosey red cheeks, the posies and protective herbs and the permanent falling down might be an incorrect interpretation, but now I can't get the image of black sored children turning to ashes as they die.

I always found the song Night on Bald Mountain from Fantasia pretty scary. As well as Carmina Burana, most notably - for me - from Excalibur.

And though I can't put my finger on a single song, there are two artists that I've always found tread a fine line now and again between hard rock and scary business. Both Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie have nearly given my feelings of dread on occasion.

I find church music scary. I mean, everyone responds to the low, awkward sound of a huge organ, but add the chanting and obeisance and you've really got something.

That brings me to the only popular/rock band that has ever really scared me. Don't get me wrong on this, drugs helped, and drugs can theoretically make a jingle scary, so it's kinda cheating. But Pink Floyd music has always gone hand in hand with the pursuit of expanding one's mind, so I'm taking it into account.  'One of These Days' is the first that pops to mind. Spoilers: The song is an instrumental that builds to a frenetic pace before a deep, strange voice claims that, "One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces." Also, again with the aid of highness, I've found 'Welcome to the Machine' from 'Wish You Were Here' to be an altogether terrifying experience. And for you main streamers, 'The Wall' has a few scary bits, too.

The first thing that came to mind when I read this question was the suicide song. I don't remember what it's called, and I was genuinely afraid to look it up. There's a song that holds some sort of bizarro-guinness record for most times involved in people's suicides. Being quoted as influence in suicide letters or playing at the time of death. (Or the worst, people hearing the song and just giving up on life.) I'm kinda glad I don't remember what it is. By the way, this is no old wives' tale and I'm not making it up. Have a google if you don't believe me.

Short Answer: Okay, I feel like a bit of a douche not giving you a little more. I think it's called, 'Gloomy Sunday' but I feel icky even writing the words.

Note: My apologies to the Question. I disregarded the 'Top Ten' request. My bad.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Question: Why does the word 'moist' give people the willies?

Easy. Makes you think of:

Peeing yourself
Pooping yourself
Having your period on yourself
Sweating through your clothes
Sweating through another layer of clothes
Specific crotch sweating
Concerns surrounding fungus
Canadian Bands

Short Answer: It also makes me think of lady parts, but that doesn't give me the willies, though there is a 'willie' involved soon after. Get it? Ha!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Question: We were wondering if you could come up with some alternate names for the act of making sweet, sweet love?

Top Ten Creative Love Making Euphemisms

10) Cootchballs
9) Raining On Your Parade
8) Choking on the Fisherman's Hat
7) Gravy Drapes
6) Determined Cyclops and the Guilty Cave
5) Spunk Friction
4) Parting the Pink Sea (or possibly the red one)
3) Half a Ball in the Gunneysack
2) Terms of Enrearment
1) Horizontal Japanese Subway

Short Answer: It helps if you ask if you want to play, then fill in the blanks. Example: Would you like to play Cootchballs? Yes please.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Question: Were you wondering where your pants are?

Funny you should ask. I often write my blog posts without any pants on and am in fact, right this moment, wearing no pants. But no, I'm not wondering where my pants are, becuase A) I don't care, and 2) When you wear pants as little as I do, they don't get very far from the bedroom. So they're in the bedroom.

Short Answer: Wait, did you steal a pair of my pants?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Question: Is Nikki Minaj human or some alien-human hybrid? Or alien-Mrs. Potatohead hybrid? I'm vexed.

I think we're supposed to be vexed. I think that's kinda what she's going for. Or at least that's what legitimizes her eccentricities. If you're weird and people hate you, it makes you feel crappy.

How do I know, you ask?

Fuck you, that's how.

I like that Niki Minaj is basically a cartoon human, with ridiculous wigs, huge buttsesses and a tailor-made fake rack complete with mandatory nipple slips. She's like a perfect celebrity for the times. What times, I'm not so sure.

Short Answer: She might be a Potatohead, but I've never seen her put her lips in her ear hole. Guess we'll have to wait for the sex tape to see what hole her lips can go in.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Question: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

"Atoning for educability through delicate beauty."

Yea. Curtain lifted. Little old man with a bullhorn, not the Great Wizard.

Also, stupid.

Short Answer: I'd give it to Mary Poppins.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Question: Why do you 'catch' diseases?

You've obviously never had someone throw herpes at you.

You just can't help yourself. It's natural instinct to catch whatever's being lofted into your personal space. Comes from caveman times when we had so few nice things, on account of being eaten by tigers a lot, that when someone threw a lamp at you, you'd lose your mind trying to catch it before it smashed on the ground.

Or are you asking why do I catch diseases? Because I'm a hypochondriac.

Short Answer: "This our only lamp. Why you so mad? It just my little finger. Not know it your sister."

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Question: Why do you think Ben Affleck was snubbed at the Oscars?

Though it is the most popular word in association with the Academy Awards, I think snubbed is a little harsh. Argo did receive seven nominations.

But we're obviously talking about Best Director.

Amour Michael Haneke
Beasts of the Southern Wild Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Ang Lee
Lincoln Steven Spielberg
Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell

Those are the nominees. Some say Kathryn Bigelow got snubbed for Zero Dark Thirty, as well as P.T. Anderson for The Master.

It's safe to say, despite people's conspiracy theories that some in Hollywood don't support the come back kid, Affleck, that the main reason for percieved 'snubbage' is that this year's pool of possible nominees in the Director category was quite deep. Besides the newcomer Zeitlin, everyone in the conversation is proven to be world class.

I don't think Affleck was snubbed. I think on another year he would have made it. Remember, this is the Academy Awards we're talking about. So many factors are in play other than 'good enough'. He won the Golden Globe and the Director's Guild award. That will give him clout moving forward. If he continues to make great films that people find accessible, he will be honored by the Academy eventually, even if it is in one of their classic, "here's an undeserved Oscar this year because we screwed you before" maneuvers.

Short Answer: The last movie to win Best Picture without also getting a Director nod is 1989's Driving Miss Daisy.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Question: How would you eliminate diving from Soccer (proper football)?

First of all, you can't. Embellishment is a part of every sport. Soccer gets a bad rap because it can be so obvious, but make no mistake, every time someone takes a charge in basketball or gets a high stick in hockey (and throws their head back like they've been shot), it's the very same animal.

The problem, if you can even call it that, would have to be weeded out at the grass roots level. Harsher penalties could help in theory, though coaching styles and properly imbued attitudes would probably prove more effective. There does seem to be discrepancy in the amount of diving from country to country, so culture - or specifically, the culture of the game in distinct areas - clearly plays a part.

None of the methods that have been implemented at the professional level, in hockey or soccer specifically, have cut into this issue with any significance. Trying to punish a grown man when he's done it one way his whole life is tough. But more importantly, the game can turn on a call, and as long as winning is the number one goal - which ain't about to change - simulation, embellishment and diving will be rampant no matter what the penalty.

Unless you want to start ejecting players because you think they dove. That's sketchy territory, 'cause what if you get it wrong?

Short Answer: Get 'em while they're young, teach them it's uncool and dishonest.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Question: Is celebrity ruining politics?

Depends on how you define politics.

I don't see how people speaking their mind publicly is against the grain of democracy. Kinda seems like the point. But if you define politics as 'that ritualistic dance of selfishness and pomposity that exists were governance and statesmanship have failed', and I do, then celebrity does kind of ruin it because those 'politicians' want to be the biggest of the celebrities, but they're beaten out by Kardashians.

Short Answer: I just italicized that 'quote' to make it sound like someone more important than me said it. I'm a monster!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Question: What are your reading recommendations for a science fictions newb?

Number one, for alien shore, with a ray gun bullet, is Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Not only is it a fantastic little story, it's short, easy to read and highly rewarding. It's hooked more than a few on the genre.

After that, I'd recommend Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein, which in my humble and accurate opinion is the greatest science fiction novel ever written. From there, the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov is a must. After you've swallowed up those classics, it's time for Dune by Frank Herbert.

By now you're ready to branch out a little. I'd recommend, if you've never come across them, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess and George Orwell's 1984 (my favorite book). Whatever you do, don't get into any arguments about what science fiction is. That'll turn you off from the genre faster than a faceful of nerd dandruff.

Now the sky's the limit. Actually, space is the limit. Or there are no limits! If you're still happy with the genre, go look up the Nebula Grandmasters and start having a go at their works, find what you like, and read some of their most famous books. You'll discover the wonders of Ray Bradbury and Alfred Bester, Arthur C. Clarke and Fritz Lieber. Then, go to the next age and get a good dose of Harlan Ellison and Philip K. Dick and William Gibson. They'll straighten you out good and proper.

If you still like everything so far, go take a dip in the fantasy pool. It doesn't bite, and you might even see a scantily clad maiden or two.

Short Answer: Ender's Game. Go, before the movie comes out and spoils it for you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Question: What's the second worst crime?


Short Answer: Is that even a word? If not, I'm even more original than I was before I made it up!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Question: What's the worst crime?

Elephant rape. Because they never, ever forget.

Short Answer: Also, if they want to have a rape shower and cry away all the pain, they have to create it themselves by blowing water into the air with their trunks. That's insult on top of injury.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Question: How do you get up in the morning?

I do this thing where I roll-launch out of bed, so that when my feet hit the floor I'm already walking away, like I have shit to do. Because I do have shit to do. Then, I turn on my computer, bathroom, back to the computer and I get to work, usually not stopping even to eat until I've got it all done.

As boring as it sounds. I do this every day except on days where I play hockey. On those days, I get out of bed much slower and drag myself through the routine of packing my bag.

I'm not really a morning person, but I highly value the 'get lots of sleep' rule, so most days, getting out of bed is a great experience because I'm well rested and ready to get down to business. I'm pretty chill about the whole thing. The only part that I force is the sitting in the chair in front of the computer part, and the rest flows from there. When you want to accomplish something, like writing books, the key is not to try to conquer the whole process, it's creating routines that aid you in your success. You can master all kinds of things mentally, but if no one, you included, isn't forcing you to sit before the keyboard, you aren't going to get much done.

I use the smoking analogy a lot. People who want to quit smoking sometimes have a hard time. I try to break it down into the multitude of small processes you have to go through to get a cigarette in your mouth, from getting off your ass to go buy them, to opening the pack, finding a lighter, putting the cigarette in your mouth. If you can just make a routine out of stopping yourself at any single point along the way, you'll have an easier time conquering it. Easy to say, I know, but it's a theory.

Short Answer: If this was a sexual question, I get up with the aid of my harem of busty, mixed-race lady pals.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Question: Ever hunted middle-aged Asian women?

Yea, a bit. They hate it! Like a lot. I don't know if the next thing I'm about to say is racist or not, but here goes: The ones that don't speak English seem to hate it even more than the ones that do. They get worked the fuck up.

Hunted is a funny word. It can mean that some sort of pursuit ends in brutal death, or that it doesn't. Let's assume that we're just talking about a sexual type of hunting.

It's hard to copulate with a middle-aged Asian women, like if it was on a list of things to do for a scavenger hunt or something, because Asian women seem to age very, very well. Sometimes, when I'm checking one of them out, I have to stop myself, because I don't really know what the age of the target is.

Like have you seen Lucy Liu lately? Unless you have a picture of her from when she was young next to her, she still looks super friggin' young. How do they do that? I'll bet it's all that eastern medicine they won't bother to explain to us. Let us in on that, would you Asia?

I like Asian women a lot, but no matter what the race, I don't wanna fuck a granny. But if you have to err on the side of caution with this particular race, you could end up coming in under the acceptable age line. It doesn't help - I'm looking at you Japan - that the school girl outfit seems to be commonplace amongst every age group without greying hair.

If this question is really implying a camouflage outfit, hunting rifle and silly hat, then I have to admit that I've never hunted any female humans. They spook too easily.

Short Answer: This question was totally warranted and normal. (You should've seen my first attempt at spelling the word 'camoflage'. There were a lot of 'u's.)

Friday, February 8, 2013

Question: Should there be an Aquaman film?

The timing of this question is interesting because it looks like the idiot powers that be have decided that Aquaman will not be in the Justice League movie. Of course, I'm not convinced there will ever be a Justice League movie. The script that was just turned in was apparently awful. They can't seem to get the Marvel movie formula.

It goes like this. Bear with me. It's complicated:

Hire amazing talent.

You follow?

As for Aquaman specifically, there probably shouldn't be a movie. The character has become a lighting rod of pop culture shenanigans over the years. I can't even count the number of 'talking to fish' jokes I've heard, let alone the raping that Family Guy gives the poor dude on a regular basis. And let's not forget Entourage, who helped a lot to make Aquaman laughable, even though they never directly disrespected him. Perhaps that's proof more than fault: the fact that even making a pretend Aquaman movie was laughable for people. That can't inspire the studios to pony up the dough.

On the should side, Aquaman is an awesome character. But there are some serious logistical problems with making a film about him, beyond the fact that it would struggle to draw a mainstream film audience. First and most obviously, there would have to be underwater stuff, and they sure as hell can't talk to each other down there. If this was ever to be attempted, a lot of it would have to take place on land, which to some degree defeats the purpose of making a film about the King of Atlantis.

Aquaman's great. He's a badass King with all kinds of responsibilities and a super hot wife.  He is called upon constantly to help the surface world on account of his badass-edness. But as I've said before, a lot of the beauty of the comics are that they are underwater, about underwater shit. That doesn't seem to resonate with modern adults, I'm sorry to say.

Even I, fan that I am, would be hesitant to write an Aquaman script. Unless they asked, of course. I do have an idea: I just can't tell you 'cause you'll steal it.

Short Answer: Aquaman in space. There, the fish is out of the bag.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Question: How does one un-pickle something?

Pickling is about adding an acid, so I assume to un-pickle something, you add a base.

Or you just add bass. Like the funkiest kind.

Or you piss on the pickled thing.

My work here is (...funky bass line...) done.

Short Answer: (...funky base line...fade...)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Question: What are your thoughts on the "Suspiria" remake?

As I've said on this blog before, I don't mind the reboots and the re-imaginings and the remakes. Do your worst; making something else doesn't hurt the original.

If you don't share my lenient, common sense view on the matter, a Suspiria remake is a tough one. Many horror fans hold the 1970 Italian classic - directed by the great Dario Argento - in very high esteem, and its often considered the greatest of all the Italian if not European horror fare of it's era.

Personally, the story gets weird from there.

David Gordon Green, director of Pineapple Express, The Sitter, Your Highness and the recent Sundance entry Prince Avalanche, was slated to direct the remake of Suspiria. He's made other serious movies, but it seems that his comedies are where he sees his most success. A strange choice for a Suspira remake in my book. And yet, I love Your Highness so much, that I was genuinely interested in seeing what he could bring to the evil witch/dance school table.

Alas, as of Jan 28, the movie has hit a bad patch. Legal issues have put this one on the back burner, and no one knows if it will come through.

Too bad, I would've liked to see Danny McBride get stabbed in his exposed, still-beating heart. I bet he'd say something hilarious.

Short Answer: "Not the heart! Oh, great. Right in the heart. Just great."

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Question: Why does the cheese stand alone?


It's shy?

Maybe I'm just crazy, but the abstraction of this - if it is indeed abstract - has thrown me for a loop.

Niggardly butterflies.

When I hear that song where they sing, 'Toniiiiiiiighiiiight, we are young' in my head, I go, 'we are Carl Jung,' so I assume those guys in that band are really messed up with behavioural problems and neuroses and I wouldn't want my daughters to date any of them.

In the song Halo, by Beyonce, there's a section where she says, I assume, 'it's written all over your face,' and in my head, I hear, 'that shit is written all over your face.' Ya know, like she's being super intense about it.

No explanation for that one. Maybe it's because the cheese stands alone.

Is this a reference to the Alamo or something? Or the Swiss?

Best on the spot lyric I ever came up with was when I was singing the Too Hot song by Alanis and I said, "Never too young and never too old, when you're making sentinels use Master Mold."

If you don't get that, perhaps you can tell me why the cheese stands alone. I seem to have painted myself into the corner of a room with one corner.

Short Answer: 'Cause it tastes good? (Is this, perhaps, the worst answer I've ever given? I mean, I've put up some turkeys before, but this one feels especially retarded.)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Question: What are some other ways to describe a 'Sausage Fest'?

Dong Ball
Penis Formal
Testicle Spectacular
Wiener Brunch
Garbage Bash
Nutmeat Feast
Erection Function
Just the Tip Get Together
Dick Reception

Now, let's do girls!

Meat Curtain Shindig
Wide On Soiree
Small Vulva Gathering
Snatch Affair
Lady Parts Carousal
Labia Fete
Spread Thighs Gala
Cunt Luncheon
Box Social

Short Answer: That happened fast.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Question: Do you think John Titor could be for real?

Does anyone even know about this guy?

I'm not going to explain the whole thing. Look that shit up.

Basically, he's a dude who pretends to be a time traveller. He started up with some techno-babble bullshit just before Y2K, claiming that we were all boned, then went on to make a bunch of other predictions that never happened. He hid behind all that crap by claiming that the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics was the correct one, making it impossible for him to ever be wrong, because all things that are possible happen.

Turns out, a lot of his claims about the past, like his grandfather and where he came from, look like a lot of hooey. In his story, there are a bunch of similarities to the book, Alas, Babylon. Also, he's made contradictory claims, as all nuts do, but again, it's more believable (in theory) because he can never be proven wrong.

Just because this one nut was smart enough to come up with some real-sounding science doesn't make him a time traveller. It doesn't even make him special. He's just a sci-fi writer without the ability to write.

Short Answer: Dude's time travelling machine was supposedly in a '67 Chevy Corvette. Yea, that's what they'd use in 2036.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Question: How did "Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000" not make your worst movies list?

'Cause I didn't hate it.

Hey, we all have our kryptonite, right? Mine is John Travolta. I find him hilarious and entertaining. Also, I thought the tall boots were giggle-inducing in just the right way. The flouncy way.

Once you get used to the fact that the camera is tilted (on the bias, as they say) for every single shot, that amateur bullshit kinda fades away. Then it's a believable story about cavemen learning to fly jets, or something.


I knew there would be some backlash to the worst movies list, and this might be the most solid case of all. We all have bad movies in our rearview that, for whatever reason, we were more forgiving of than others. At that time, I swear there weren't a lot of big budget sci-fi stuff around, and I was just super forgiving with that flick. Though I must say, one of the trademarks of a decent sci-fi movie is when it comes on TV years later, you get a kick out of watching it late at night. I must admit, with Battlefield Earth, I do not get that temptation.

Short Answer: It's not good, but it didn't bring my troll of indignation out from under its bridge.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Question: What happened to Ovechkin?

For those not in the know, Alexander Ovechkin is a National Hockey League player with the Washington Capitals. He was one of the most tauted prospects a half a dozen years ago. He started his career with impressive numbers, but in the last few seasons, has slowed in terms of production.

First of all, I don't think it's as bad as people think. For five years, his numbers were consistent. From 05/06 to 11/12, his point totals are 106, 92, 112, 110, 109, 85, 65. One could argue that his only 'bad' year was the last one, because the 85 points he scored two years ago is very respectable and not that much less than the 92 he had in his sophomore year. Also, in that second year, his plus/minus was -19, his worst by far, though to be fair, he's been as good as +45 in his career, that coming in 09/10.

Looking specifically at his goal scoring numbers, which some claim is the real issue, also turns up some misleading information. Though he's scored fifty goals or more four times, last year he scored 38, which was not that far off the 46 he scored in that sophomore year. His lowest total was 32 a few years back, but he still had his consistent assist total.

The above information doesn't prove any sort of argument that his effectiveness hasn't fallen off. Rather, I think it tempers the expectations a little. Besides last years 65 points, I don't see a blatant bad season. I saw a radio show the other day where the guy was claiming that if he scores under sixty goals, it's not good enough. But he's only scored over sixty goals one time. It's like the expectations for him were so high, that they thought he'd keep going up and up. And a man who was for five years a consistent fifty goal-ish scorer got romanticized into a guy that was supposed to go on to score sixty or seventy.

Also, to throw more flame on the fire, he didn't play as much last year in terms of ice time (averaging just under twenty minutes, 19:48 to be exact), and his shooting percentage wasn't bad at 12.5, the third best he's put up as a professional. (He only shot the puck 302 times, his lowest total by far.)

Is he past his prime? Maybe. Some claim his off ice attitude hurts him, others say his physical style of play has lessened his offensive effectiveness. I don't know his attitude, and flinging himself around like a crazy person has always been part of his game, and he's never missed substantial time with injuries, so I don't see that as much of a problem. He also had the fewest penalty minutes of his career last year, if that means anything.

My conclusion is that we created a monster. Why do we expect 70 goals and 120 points from Ovy? Maybe that's what we need to consider. That, and of course, this years statistics. Another below point a game showing might lend some weight to the claims that he'll never be what he was, or never reach the potential everyone saw.

Short Answer: Factors like his youth and his salary may fit in here somewhere.