Thursday, January 31, 2013

Question: On the scale of Douchebaggery, how would you define the upper limit?

I've addressed this before on the blog, and fear repeating myself.

Just kidding. I don't care if I write the same thing every day, as long is it encompasses everything I love, care about and stand for.

Something like: Pizzasoccerboobs. Short Answer: PSB. I'd feel good about posting that every day.

Now back to the douchebags. High end d-bags roll in formidable and unacceptable ways. Here's a brief list.

- They're the guys that joke about something being 'free' at the cash register if the clerk is having trouble scanning the item.

- They claim that pizza crust is the best part of the pizza.

- They say things that mean nothing, like, "I'm a pretty good judge of character."

- They use words like juxtaposition instead of contrast.

- They think one thing is the new another thing.

- They pretend to like doing the dishes because it's 'therapeutic'.

- They say or write inflammatory things, then follow it up by saying, "Now that I've got your attention."

- They agree to disagree.

- They have their own 'cool' way of making kraft dinner.

Those are world class upper echelon douche-outs if ever I heard them. There's other stuff, too, of course. And you'll know it when you see it. Stuff like:

- Claiming your credentials at an inappropriate time. "Oh, I went to film school so I know all about French movies."

- Creating any sort of drama ever.

- Assuming that 'finding yourself' is an actual thing.

- Thinking you need a break from your stressful life when you have a home and food.

- Treating service industry workers with disdain.

- Taking your anger out on inappropriate, stationary targets. Ex. Your insurance claim gets fucked up, you yell at the clerk at the dentist who has nothing to do with it.

You get the idea. Some people joke that douchebags are just guys with flipped up collars. No sir. The douche bag is a person who lives only for themselves, doesn't take in and process enough information to behave appropriately, and makes decisions based on how they think others will perceive them.

It's really easy to not be a prick. Douche bags, you'll find, are nearly untreatable. That's one of the ways to sniff them out. An intolerable prick who has no fucking clue that he's at fault.

Short Answer: I'm almost positive that over the years I've posted all of these things before. Oh well. Pizzasoccerboobs!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Question: If everyone was doping, did Lance Armstrong win fairly?

I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to come up with a 'Lamps Armstrong' joke, and the best I got was a picture of one lamp injecting another lamp with electricity and then the lamp's head got brighter.

So this is relevant to me right now. Point being, it shouldn't be relevant to anyone else. If there are rules, then no matter how many people break them, it couldn't possibly be classified as fair. Fair is being sure that everyone has the same chance, the same platform, the same restrictions.

Simple as that. If one guy is going to abide by the rules, then everyone has to. I'm getting the impression that Lamps Armstrong wasn't that guy.

Oh well, at least he's incredibly likeable.

Short Answer: Sarcasm!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Question: What's the weirdest thing you ever ate?

When I was young, like in my early years of awareness, say age 5 to 7, I add a rich friend. He was a year older than me and therefore taller, faster, stronger and probably smarter. And also spoiled as hell. I remember his parents would bribe him with a spoonful of honey.

The relationship a young boy has with an older, richer friend is fairly interesting. At that age, I didn't understand station, or have any sense of inadequacy in the face of the accomplishments of my friend's parents. I just thought his house was big and he had all the toys.

And yet, I can pull from those years a series of memories that read like someone trying to prove himself, to show the world his inner worth.

Cut to, one night my friend is showing my these old bottles that his dad owns. Among them was a small, dark number, about the size of a mini-bar whiskey, only the glass is much, much thicker. One of us notices, probably him, that there is some sort of fluid still inside.

Let's get right to it. For whatever reason, I volunteered to drink it. I don't remember what I thought it might be, perhaps I assumed it some long lost liquor, something that only the rich and powerful would drink. Or maybe I simple thought it something adult. What it was, in fact, was probably years and years of moisture, mold and whatever crawled in a died.

It went down like cooled snot, like a lukewarm oyster, like an undercooked fried egg left out too long on the counter. I didn't throw up, but I'll never, ever forget that particular discomfort.

Short Answer: One time, some older kids gave me 'apple juice'. Why's it warm? I asked and then drank some of their pee.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Question: What are the Top Ten films to avoid?

But there's so many!

Let's give it a shot, shall we?

(Note: I avoid a lot of 'bad' movies, and a lot of the ones I have seen, I find redemption in simplicity, like a decapitation or a naked lady. So this was a difficult process for me. Thank the lord for sequels!)

10) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Which robot is that? Why are those guys homies? Is that Devastator's balls?
9) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Is it alright to not want to describe a movie because of how bad it was? Like I might get some stink on me? Chris Klein might actually give the worst performance in cinema history in this one.
8) The Spirit: Poor, poor Frank Miller. Incredible career leading up to...giant turkey. This almost didn't make the list because I appreciated the lady parts. But that's more of an indictment than a complement, 'cause here it is nonetheless.
7) Dungeons and Dragons: A movie about the awesomest, nerdiest thing ever made by people who've never heard of it; or so it seems. This movie looks like one of those movies by those 'Disaster Movie' guys, like its making fun of another film.
6) Highlander: Endgame: This movie almost didn't make it because it isn't really high profile enough to fit on this list. But I hated it so much. Like so much. In the middle of the fight at the end, they just loop a sequence, and show the same part of the fight twice. Are you fucking kidding me? This is a lesson never to try to blend the movie and the TV version of something.
5) Superman 4: Quest for Peace: Almost entirely unbearable. Takes the schlock up and the Superman down. I watched this movie again about three weeks ago and I've already blocked it from my mind almost entirely.
4) Catwoman: This movie cost 90 million dollars. That alone wouldn't get it on the list, there are other movies that have been big budget flops. But this piece of empty trash cost 90 million dollars? They must have hired low level rap moguls to throw wads of their budget in the air all day every day. I've made poops that were cheaper and better.
3) House of the Dead/Alone in the Dark: I couldn't pick which Uwe Boll movie was worse, and I sure as hell wasn't giving him two spaces. House is a ton of memorable awfulness, whereas I can't remember a single frame of Alone in the Dark. The worst of both ends of the spectrum.
2) Mortal Kombat 2: I saw this movie in the theatres. In the theatres. Paid for this long windbag of a crapheap where they just parade out characters from the video games while Dexter's dad pretends he's as cool as Christopher Lambert. And somehow fails.
1) Batman & Robin: I've watched this movie a few times. Each time, I think, "This is the viewing where it will finally become kitch. Funny cause it's bad. And hey, it's Batman, right? Gotta be some good stuff in there." Then the hockey game starts and I barf.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to all the low-budget (often European) shit I've seen over the years that no one would've heard of. A lot of those movies suck way worse than the above list, but what's the point if they're so obscure you can't relate? I'm lookin' at you Nightmare City.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Question: What do you think of JJ Abrams directing the new Star Wars?

I don't have a problem with it the way some do. I get the idea, though - that it's weird to have the same dude in control of the Star Trek and the Star Wars universes. But as I thought, someone 'in the know' just tweeted that he'd stay on as producer for Star Trek 3 at Paramount, so he's not jumping ship entirely. You've gotta think, though, that if this didn't come up and Star Trek Into Darkness went well, he would have been on board to direct a third.

Shame, that. On the other hand, a competent, relevant director is at the helm of Star Wars. Good.

The real question is, can we possibly enjoy the new film?

If it's an out of the park blockbuster of a romp, with shades of the originals and nothing to do with the 'other 3', we won't be able to contain our excitement. But think of this. What if it's just, like, pretty good? Or kinda average? I have a feeling that all that frustration and hate that we've pressed down into our gullets and tried to forget will rise anew, and we'll be much, much too hard on the new movie. I think the whole thing is a setup for 'It better be good or else..." And nerds control the universe, now. 'Or else' might be Abrams getting chained to a real life-sized replica of Snake Mountain and having goo dripped on his head until he suffocates.

(Sorry for the cross-modunation on the He-Man reference, there.)

Short Answer: Wait and see, I suppose.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Question: Top Ten funny things to shout at a swimming pool?

10) Watch out! I think I saw some hepatitis.
9) Don't worry, guys. I peed my trunks before I came out here.
8) Look at all the pubes!
7) Cannonball! (then release one testicle)
6) Water washes away natural lubricant.
5) They're all out of chlorine, so this is basically toilet water.
4) C'mon, guys. You're not allowed to play 'underwater morning after pill'.
3) Check out my new water moccasins. (throw snakes)
2) No running with or without scissors. If you have scissors, you should probably just leave.
1) Water wings at dawn, bitches!

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to any workable Jaws reference. Example: We're gonna need a bigger poop.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Question: Why don't you ever leave your house?

Ah, someone who knows me personally must've asked this question. Though if that were true, I would have to leave my house to know them.

Quite the conundrum.

I don't like to leave my house because people are outside my house, and though I like to believe that humans have good in their hearts and will perform admirably when called upon, on the whole, that's probably a ton of bullshit. So often in my life I have observed people's behaviour and come to the conclusion that their motivation is depressing. Most people do things for selfish reasons, fuelled by insecurities and actual or perceived inadequacies. I find it very tiring to be around them.

This in itself isn't a crime for decisions and motivations are often rooted in the self. I'm very much a perpetrator as well. The difference is the amount of honesty that is required to function properly around other people, and the responsibility one must take to be selfish in a way that doesn't hurt the people around them. I'm a very honest person and quite sensitive to situations where it's obvious that others aren't taking responsibility for their actions either through a lack of life long self-reflection and introspection or through a lack of honesty.

Also, I look to control my environment, to create a 'little world' that has different rules . Where the kind of bullshit I have to deal with outside is unacceptable. So if you ever come to my house, be prepared to remove your pants.

Short Answer: I just heard a vacuum make a fart sound.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Question: What do you think of instagram?

Here's the thing.

I don't care what you're eating.

I love food. It's my number one hobby. I cook it, I eat it, I watch it on TV.

And still, I don't care to see a picture of your breakfast. Taking a picture of your breakfast and thinking it's relevant to the world is why the old fuckers can't relate to the young fuckers. If the young fuckers stopped being so stupid, maybe we could get some things done. Oh, what? The old fuckers aren't going to change at all?

Never mind.

Short Answer: It's pictures, right? Yea, I get pictures. You know what I like better than pictures? Memories.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Question: Are you gonna go my way?

There's some sort of demented little goblin out there that asks me these song titles once in awhile, and I get the feeling that were I to corner and accuse him, he'd play that trick on me where he acts like he didn't know that they were song titles, all the while answering me with more song titles.

It'd go like this:

"Hey, stop it!"
"I Don't Know What You're Talking About."
"Is that a Husker Du song?"
"Why Don't We Do It In The Road?"
"That's the Beatles? And it doesn't even make sense. Are you even trying?"
"Try by Blue Rodeo."
"You just said the name of a song, and the band!"
"Well, you know what they say, Cats in the Cradle."
"No! They don't say that. They used to say that. Now they don't. And it's not relevant."
"I'm Just Like My Father."
"That's the Violent Femmes. It was relevant at least. Please admit that you're doing this before I go -"
"Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?"
"Jingles? Really?"
"Anything You Can Do."
"I wasn't doing anything."
"Then Stop..."
"...go on."
"In the name of love?"


Short Answer: This is a threat, goblin. A thinly veiled, erotic threat.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Question: Why barnyards?

Yea, weird. A barn doesn't need a yard. A barn, if built large enough, is like the covering for a yard. Especially if you have animals in your barn. A barnyard is just the place you park your bike, or your tractor, or line up rocks to play 'broadside' or line up bodies to play 'hide the bodies in the barnyard'.

Barnyard. Barnyard. Barnyard.

Short Answer: Funny word, that.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Question: Carrying on from yesterday, how do I cut up the bodies without adding barf to the scenario?

Yea, 'cause god forbid you might get a little sick dismembering a corpse. That would be unheard of. Do what the rest of us do, man. Feedbag. Then bury the feedbag somewhere else. No biggy.

How is this carrying on from yesterday? This implies that we've had an ongoing dialogue about your murderessness and that makes me uncomfortable in case you're not a 'funny dude' but a 'crazy dude'.

If you really killed people and need to cut them up, I'd suggest asking for advice from the police.

Short Answer: I only like fake dismemberment. Real dismemberment is super messy.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Question: Are you down?

I'm not not down, if that's what you're really asking.

Unless this is a subtle way to get me into bed. Then I'm only down if you aren't fat and my wife can watch and critique.

For the most part, I'm not down. I like to stay at home and close up all options before they arise. I don't like to see the light of day, let alone the sparkly people that make up its fleshy contents. I'm down with not being bothered, not hearing the phone ring, not having things go wrong. No stimuli, no problems, no new experiences.

I might be happy in a cabin, in the woods, if it wasn't for all the spiders and the possibility of death from hopelessness.

Short Answer: The older I get, the less down I am. Like a chicken.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Question: In art of any medium, which is more important: the process or the result?

Can I be coy and say that the process is more important for the artist and the result is more important for the audience?

I think, even if the artist doesn't realize it, or attaches a large amount of self-worth to the art's reception by audiences, it's still the journey that matters the most. Not only for the artist's own growth and well-being, both as artist and human, but also in terms of the distillation of process that brings on understanding, comprehension, insight and inspiration. In other words, doing it makes you good, hearing it's good doesn't do anything except give you a little boost. And don't get me wrong, we could all use a little boost once in awhile, it's just in the long run, working through your process and being aware of its properties is going to be much more beneficial to how you approach everything.

I've often believed that figuring out how you work is more important than a lot of the things that non-artistic people believe is important. Ideas, for example. That classic question that often gets asked of any creative person, "Where do you get your ideas?" Any professional artist in any medium knows that ideas are a dime a dozen, and it's the application and processing of those ideas, plus the working off of your ass, that really makes something happen.

In summary, reviewing and evolving your process is what makes an artist grow.

As for the other side, I think the audience, no matter how introspective or interested in process they are, should be experiencing the end result first, before delving any deeper into artistic motivation. Without that 'end result to audience' moment, art would be all process and nothing would ever get done. If nothing ever got done, people would eventually stop their processes and then there would be no art. There must be a reason to finish, to complete. Having eyes on what you do is the most common, and probably best of those reasons.

Yet as I say that, I know from personal experience that the best audiences are the ones who are interested in the process. And the best conversations about art are almost always about what the artist intended, how his original vision changed, where he went wrong and where he found inspiration, how he thought it would fail and how he had to overcome doubt. Very rarely is the exchange, "This is good." "Yea, that's what I was going for."

Short Answer: The other thing about the value of a finished project, followed by audience impression is that it's the only way that art will inspire others to be artistic. Some may be inspired by process, but most will be inspired by their own interpretation of the finished product.

(Note: When I speak of 'experiencing the end result first', I think a good illustration is popular film. Nowadays, it's common to have a ton of information about genesis, process and hardship along the way to creating a film, before you ever see the final product. But remember that feeling - assuming you've had it at all recently - where you go into a film knowing nothing about it and get to react strictly from face value? Remember the potency of that type of experience? And then, going back to learn about process is ever more fulfilling.)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Question: In a world where pickles are the universal deity, what are the top ten things that would change?

Top Ten Things that would change in a World where Pickles are the Universal Deity

10) Picklechrist
9) Garlicky brine rather than holy water
8) People would be 'sliced' rather than 'crucified'
7) When given the body of Picklechrist at communion, you'd be fed a warm spoonful of ground hamburger.
6) A jar that was difficult to open would be the major metaphor for life's struggles.
5) Dill would be the most popular boy's name in the world. Or Dillhamed.
4) All pickles would be kosher pickles.
3) You'd use pickles to kill vampires instead of stakes or crosses.
2) Smelling some one's fingers would be considered a polite and appropriate greeting.
1) We would fear the evil Gherkin, Lord of the Netherpickle.

Short Answer: I bet there'd be a lot more toothpicks.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Question: Be funny, monkey.

Aarghh! (Rips off shirt to reveal picture of self giving thumbs up, disappointed with the conflicting sentiment.)

I'm not your monkey! (Hides banana peel from breakfast behind back.)

How dare you treat me this way! (Likes being handcuffed and smacked.)

You have no right. (Spends his time on a website that promotes interactivity by getting the audience to prompt his creativity with 'questions' so he doesn't have to think as much, therefore giving the people the right to think he's a monkey.)


Short Answer: More like shut-up answer. Ya bunch of fat-backed wet-heads.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Question: Why was 2010 arguably the single greatest year in cinema history?

That's what I get.

I'm going to be more brief this time, for the answer here is simple.

2010 was arguably the single greatest year in cinema history because of the quality of films that were recognized by the academy, therefore spread to a wider audience. All one needs to do is look at the Best Picture nominees to verify this.

Still, I'll give you a list of great films that came out in 2010, starting with the ten best picture noms:

True Grit
Black Swan
The King's Speech
The Fighter
127 Hours
Toy Story 3
Winter's Bone
The Social Network
The Kids are Alright

Besides the last, which I thought was pretty solid too, all these movies are exceptional. But not only exceptional, varied.

Here are some others from 2010 - including some great genre stuff:

Love and Other Drugs
How to Train Your Dragon
Shutter Island
Scott Pilgrim
Blue Valentine
Easy A
The Town
Hot Tub Time Machine
Despicable Me
Let Me In
The Ghost Writer
The American
I Saw the Devil
From Paris with Love
13 Assassins
The Killer Inside Me
Troll Hunter
Tiny Furniture
Barney's Version
Red White and Blue
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Youth in Revolt

...You get the idea. Now of course you could make a list of great movies, especially genre fare, from every year. To me, what was impressive in 2010 was the quality of the moves that were accepted into the mainstream; a lot of these weird genre flicks did break through in a way that doesn't always happen, mainly because of their sheer quality. (By the way, I think one of the reasons for this is the inclusion by the Academy in 2009 of things like District 9 and the attention paid to movies like Star Trek. I believe that opened some eyes, at least for one year, in regards to what else is out there that can be considered great cinema. I don't think movies like Monsters would've gotten any play without the inclusion of a District 9 the year previous. Sadly, the Academy hasn't kept up this promise of seeking out great genre films.)

Short Answer: Yea, I snuck Piranha in there. So what?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Question: Why was Affleck snubbed at the oscars?

I guess the short answer is: The Academy is a bunch of old dumb retards.

Long answer: Methamphetamine.

Oops. That's just a long word.

Yea, it's weird, right? Affleck seemed to be the favorite to clean up heading into awards season, then the Academy was all like, 'blow us, nerd.' Then he goes and wins at the Golden Globes, which I think kinda makes the Academy look dumb, which is good.

I've been watching the Oscars religiously my entire life, and I swear it sucks. Every year I try to convince myself that it doesn't, and then it sucks some more. Sure, sometimes I agree with their choices, but other times, the major awards are so clearly won by lobbyists and trends that it makes me ill. Plus the fact that there are a million awesome acting performances a year, but apparently the members only watch giant mainstream films. Of course they throw in an indie performance each year, to seem hip, but for every one of those, there are ten others as good.

I'm not even necessarily giving them shit about this. It's hard to watch everything. Except there are people, just a few, who do watch everything. And they're the ones who have the greatest right to chose what was the best of the year. Instead, you're getting a sample of the best of the year from industry people who aren't dedicated enough to the process. Again, no big deal if it wasn't played out like the only and most important awards ceremony in the industry of film. It's the pomposity, the importance and the grandeur that makes you want to say, 'Fuck you' when shit like Titanic and Gladiator win Best Picture Oscars.

Let me throw something out there. Ever see the Academy Award nominations for Best Picture and think something along the lines of, "Those are awfully Oscar-y. Awfully typical." Know what I mean? You get this feeling that there's a certain style of movie they're very accepting of, and if something else is great, it might get a little attention but has no chance of winning. (Inglourious Basterds, anyone?) That feeling, that icky notion that it all seems the same, is exactly the problem. Every year, the nominees for awards in film should be as varied as the film world itself. But they aren't. (If you want an illustration of what I'm talking about, to see if you agree with me or not, see: 2010 Best Picture Nominees when they got it mostly right compared to 2011 when it was a bunch of crap. I'm not saying this to prove a point: I genuinely think that every movie on the 2010 list is better than every movie on the 2011. To be fair, 2010 might have been the single greatest year in cinema history, but that's another answer.)

I have never, not once, thought the best movie of the year was the one that won at the Oscars. Yet I've been consuming film since I was tiny, and though I have some genre bias, I like to think I'm a pretty informed critic. So why does my opinion (and to be fair, those of my friends and peers) always differ so much with the big Hollywood machine?

I think I've proven my point, but if you want to further your studies, here's a suggestion. Go back five or ten years and write a list of movies that you thought were the best of the year, and include the genre movies (like The Dark Knight) that many think were snubbed. Look at that list next to the winners list and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Short Answer: By the way, I love how genuinely overcome Affleck was when he won the globes. He was so excited he could barely keep it together. And the standing ovations? Boom.

(Note: Despite my earlier drama, I have agreed with the Best Picture winner on a few occasions. American Beauty in 99, Braveheart in 95, Unforgiven in 92, Platoon in 84, Kramer vs Kramer in 79, The Deer Hunter in 78 and the Godfather movies in 72 and 74. That's a lot. I'm a big ranty blowhard.)

(Note the Second: Hey Academy, why decide to increase the number of nominees for Best Picture, then act like there's only nine that are good enough for consideration? Bullshit.)

Monday, January 14, 2013

Question: Are footballs vengeful?

Are you implying that the soul of the pig is still in there, and wants revenge for being turned into a plaything? Or the larger question, do synthetic pigs have souls that don't want to be punted, passed and kicked?

Are pig souls the closest thing, genetically, to human souls? Would we appreciate being turned into footballs?

Can you answer a question with five other questions?

I know I'm supposed to be funny, and I'm never supposed to say anything bad about the questions I receive, but sometimes trying to personify inanimate objects in a serious way is like still being attracted to Jennifer Lopez.

Feels dirty.

Short Answer: Probably. (After all the points that were put up during the divisional weekend in the NFL, I wouldn't be surprised if some of the balls were a little sore - just like my balls when I'm finally done masturbating to that old windbag Jennifer Lopez.)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Question: Where do you stop shaving and start grooming?

At my balls.
At my mother's house.
In front of the dog.
Just before performing my duties as a penance monkey.
Right after I combine the wet and dry ingredients.

And so on...

Honestly, I thought they were the same thing. I try not to do either. Or I try to do neither. Or I don'

Wait, is this one of those gay/straight trick questions? Like you stop shaving and start grooming once your testicles are inside of a man?

Nice one, asker of questions. You've caught me red-handed yet again.

Short Answer: There were so many things I wanted to write instead of 'red-handed' that I actually had a filth overload, bailed, and went with that.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Question: Why are some globes brown?

I always assumed it was to give it an oldey time feel, like you were stretching out a big, dirty map to figure out where to hide your booty.

You know what's weird? Globes. We don't need them anymore. It used to be a staple; wannn know where something is, look at the globe. One of the many things that the internet and digital technology have rendered near obsolete in a short period of time. I have a globe on my desk - well on the table next to my desk - and its covered in dust, and only partially because I'm a lazy piece of crap. It's because it seems faster to look something up on the internet, then to reach over and spin the damn thing.

Is it? Probably not. Funny how the brain takes repeated behaviours, like looking something up online, and kinda fools itself into assuming that those behaviours are the quickest way to the information you want. In most cases, it probably is. Sometimes it still blows me away that all the things I've surrounded myself with for my entire life, mainly books and movies, are now becoming almost intangible. Just data, floating around to be paypal-ed and downloaded. Still seems fickle, sketchy and strange to me.

I'd love to get inside a younger person's mind and see how their trust level differs from mine in terms of relying on digital data and ownership. I'm pretty sure the doubts I have about 'buying' something from a digital movie purveyor would make them think I'm an old fuddy-duddy.

Short Answer: At least I'm up on the kids' hip lingo.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Question: Now that the NHL is back...Favorite All-Time Hockey Players?

I've chosen to interpret "All-Time" to exclude current players.

Top Ten Favorite (Non-Current) NHL-ers

10) Doug Gilmour - Who didn't love Dougie during those few awesome years in Toronto?
9) Wayne Gretzky - Most self-explanatory thing ever.
8) Guy Lafleur - Hair, speed, smokes.
7) Mario Lemieux - I used to love watching people give him a shit ton of room on the side boards, just out of respect for what he might do.
6) Al MacInnis - Huge cannon.
5) Mike Vernon -  Arguably the best goalie in the league when I first got into hockey, I used to emulate him on the street.
4) Cam Neely - The quintessential power forward.
3) Gary Roberts - Can't say enough about the way this guy played the game. Fierce.
2) Joe Nieuwendyk - Always loved his game; been able to spell his name since the first year I fell in love with hockey.
1) Steve Yzerman - Not just my favorite, but in my mind, the greatest all around player in the history of the NHL.

Short Answer: Say what you will about my list, but there's a bunch of Conn Smythes here.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Question: Do you think it's okay to pay for sex?

I don't think I even understand the question. When do you not have to pay? Were you so good that the hooker gave you a freebie? I'm not that good. Sometimes, afterward, they ask for double.

Here's a list of extra things I've been charged for when dealing with prostitutes:

Breath tax
Hairy undercarriage fee
Crying w/sobs
Crying and saying "Mom."
Calling her 'Barba-poppa.'
Pram in the room. (I can't believe that happens enough that there's a fee.)
Asking her to pull the bandana out of my butt just before I finish instead of after
Pubes on the soap in the shower
Stink eye
Various smell tax

You get the idea.

Short Answer: My wife thinks it's okay to pay for sex. Ramone treats her right. At least, that's what I assume when I hear the screaming. Did I tell you I have a blanky now? I like to cover my head with it, shut out the world. Hard to shut out the screams, though.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Question: Would Sea Pigs & Tunicates make good eats in a seafood chowder?

I'm of the belief that only certain things from the sea are acceptable as food. I think we found all the acceptable shellfish, for example. If you put a horseshoe crab on my plate, I'll kill you.

I can only guess that your desire to feed on tunicates is based on a desire to revenge murder the 'carpet' kind, the ones that crawl across the seafloor smothering everything in their path. Sounds like it would taste gross, though. Or it would taste like EVERYTHING!

Sorry for yelling.

As for the sea pig, I get it. It's a pig. Pig tastes great.

You've been fooled. It's not a pig. It's actually a type of sea cucumber, and cucumbers are the worst! There's hardly any pork fat in cucumbers at all!

Adding cream to any of this is grody. No to chowder.

Short Answer: Seriously, except for fish, would we really miss sea food? Like, lobsters. Ever taken apart a lobster and realized you're about to eat a giant bug? It changes you, man.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Question: Are you glad that the NHL Lockout is over?


I never thought I'd be one to get annoyed about this sort of crap, but I did. I did get annoyed. Not because of the lockout or the business stuff, I get all that. I hate that people in positions of power, when addressing the fans, act like total, petty douche bags. Gary Bettman must be the most unlikeable guy in the history of the world. That can't help, can it? When your condescending attitude makes good people want to punch you in the face?

Fuck hockey. And also, I will be watching the minute the puck drops.

They've got us by the balls, and they know it. Of course we have every right to stay home, to not tune in. Will we stay home? Maybe. Will we tune in? Yes, and with increased regularity until all is forgotten.

If it was really about us, the fans, they'd have people who are good at making deals run these things. Instead, they have people who's sole focus is their side, by it PA or NHL. We pay your salaries, dumb asses. Hire some leaders who understand that.

Short Answer: Shortened season will help certain teams, will hurt others. Some interesting stories abound.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Question: Where do rabies come from?

When orthodox jewish spiritual leaders get drunk at a bot mitsvah, sometimes something magical happens in the coatroam. Nine months later...

Short Answer: Do orthodox jews even go to bot mitsvahs? I just thought the word orthodox was funny. And bot mitsvahs. And jewish. I don't see how anyone could be anti-semitic, jewish words are hilarious. (I seriously under capitalized in this answer. I'm not going back.)

Note: For those who didn't get the joke, I did read the question correctly.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Question: Are you there yet?

Sounds like what you'd say if your kids were in the back seat yelling, "Are we there yet?" Just shouting it in their faces. "Are you there yet? Are you! Are you! Bastards!"

Are we there yet is a stupid question. You aren't there until you don't need to ask it. to whether I'm there yet, I guess the answer is no. If I was 'there' metaphorically or otherwise, I probably wouldn't be so stressed out all the time in regards to whether or not I'm going to make it at all. That was a lot of words. Are we at the end of this paragraph yet? Geez.

I've got a feeling that I'll never be there. You change your goals ever so slightly as you approach them. What you think is one goal is often a series of tiny steps getting toward a final outcome that never quite happens. There was a time when all I wanted to do was sell a story. By the time I actually did, I had already learned that selling that story was a first step on a grander path. If I'd accepted the sale of that story as having arrived somewhere, I might not have pushed to get somewhere else.

Shit, are we at the end of this answer yet? I've gotta go potty.

Short Answer: I'm not there. In fact, in this metaphor, I might be the guy cleaning rest stop toilets on the way to there.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Question: Is it ever okay to wear a snakeskin thong?

Complex issue.

If we're talking real snakeskin, there are probably some better things you could press up against your cooch. Softer, more pliable, sexier things that don't involved murdering a snake, skinning a snake, then jamming said snake's scales between your sweaty bum cheeks.

If you're a dude, you shouldn't be wearing thongs at all. If you want freedom of butt, go commando like the normals.

If you're a chick, you can go thong all you like, but no need to aggravate the crevice with overlapping layers of snake armor.

I'm gonna say no. It makes little to no sense to use snakeskin for anything, even in boot form. You're kind of a pretentious nitwit if you have snakeskin, and I don't see how providing a good view of your glutes and a partial of your vagina is going to make you any less so.

Short Answer: Try cotton.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Question: How do I frighten aids?

I guess you just tell them that their job is in danger.

Oh, did you mean capital A AIDS? Like that thing that destroyed all those lives? I'll bet the people out there who have AIDS really appreciate the lack of effort it must've taken to not capitalize AIDS.

But AIDS doesn't kill anyone anymore, right? Yea, it's only the sixth biggest killer of people in America. No big deal. No need to write that correctly.

It's all good. Anyone out there had canZer? It's the coolest.

I kid. For all I know you have AIDS, and like to downplay the role of it in your life by taking its power away. Fuck AIDS. Why does it deserve to be capitalized? What? It's an acronym? Dammit.

How to frighten AIDS (assuming that's what this question is referring to):

Tell it you'll give it back to the monkeys.


Tell it you're going to give it monkey canZer.

Short Answer: No sex with a dash of safe sex should do the trick.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Question: Are there other kinds of nog besides egg?

Moosenog. (Nog from the leavings on the hood of your car after you hit a moose.)
Ballnog. (Nog from beneath.)
Vulvanog. (Nog from beneath -Hers edition.)
Heteronog. (Nog for dudes.)
Buttnog. (Nog for the other kind of dudes.)
Grognog. (Nog for Drunkies.)
Cherry Cordialnog. (Nog for old people.)
Koalanog. (Nog from Koala droppings.)
Homonog. (Nog for Samesies.)
Cancernog. (Nog squeezed from the joy of defeating cancer.)
Eyegoonog. (Nog made from your eyegoo.)
Teatnog. (Nog straight from a Nog Cow.)
Hobonog. (Nog with a crust on top.)
Tripenog. (Nog from Portugal.)
Cracknog. (Nog that will suck your dick.)
Trannynog. (Nog for Bothies.)
Choppernog. (Nog that protests too much.)
Mannog. (Nog from a penis.)
Santanog. (Nog distilled from what's in Santa's stomach after he eats all those cookies and milk.)
Osamanog. (Nog that you drink at twelve thirty and then gives all credit to Obamanog for the after effects.)

Short Answer: Yesnog. (Nog that answers - by example - in the affirmative.)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Question: What's your favorite SNL Christmas Sketch?

10) I Wish it was Christmas Today song.
9) Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song.
8) Mark Jensen's Family Christmas. (Will Ferrel throwing up.)
7) Matt Foley, Motivational Santa Claus.
6) Drunk Uncle.
5) Dick in a Box. Maybe not a 'sketch' but we all know this one. Highlight: "Step Three: Make her open the box."
4) Scweddy Balls. It's all a set up for the one liner. Highlight: "No one can resist my Scweddy Balls."
3) John Malkovich reads 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Malkovich being hilariously inappropriate in front of the kiddies. Highlight: "When I was a child we used to suck on pennies. And it was a delight."
2) Always Be Cobbling. Alec Baldwin doing a riff on his speech from Glengarry Glenross, giving shit to the elves making toys for Santa. Highlight: "Nice guy? I don't care. Good father, elf you, go home and play with your kids."
1) Steve Martin's List. This is classic. You know the one where he talks about all the kids in the world, joining hands in the spirit of peace and love, then he keeps re-ordering the list. Highlight: "Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell."

Short Answer: First Christmas answer of the new year!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Question: Who can fall off the fiscal cliff?

Probably only that mountain climber from the Price is Right.


If you don't know what I'm talking about, Generic Search Engine that shit. It was like my favorite song when I was a kid. That and Jessie's Girl.

Fuck the fiscal cliff. Just another Democrats trying to be tough/Republicans being difficult bullshit news story. I'm tired of it. The news programs in America should be called 'Rich People Don't Care About You'. That pretty much says it all.

The fact that there's all this posturing and pseudo debate just proves, once again, that the people you've elected in your faux-democracy don't put your desires first. The system is broken.

After all the economic problems last year, you'd think they'd be prioritising starting the new year right with some real workable solutions. Instead, it's two sulky bullies threatening to take their balls and go home.

Short Answer: That goes for the NHL strike, too.