Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Question: California Love or California Dreamin'?

So I guess nobody asked me a New Year's Eve question.

If we're talking the hippity-hop music compared to the Beach Boys, I'm white enough to say that I would take the Beach Boys in any situation, including a rumble. I think their harmonies would be too much for any greaser.

If we're talking about something else, I don't get it.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution will be to admit I don't get things more often. Thanks for the early start, fuckers!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Question: How high is too high?

Too high is when falling without a parachute will kill you.

Like from a plane, or the top of a building. Those things are too high.

If you have any sense, whatsoever, that if you jump you might not land properly on your feet, or not be able to pull off one of those forward rolls, that's too high.

It may occur to you, from the height that is too high, that if you jump, your knees will collapse, sending your torso sideways to drive your head into the ground at a terrifying speed. In this case, you should not jump. It is too high.

Short Answer: Or I guess going to the Santa Claus parade in a negligée and yelling fruit basket when you bend over is too high, also.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Question: When you die what do you think should happen to your Facebook account?

If I had my way it would burn with all the rest of the internets and be sprinkled in pizza dough with the rest of my physical body to be fed to all the children of the world.

That being unlikely, I'd like it to be erased without ceremony.

Short Answer: Let's not spend too much time thinking about what happens to all the nothing I've accomplished when I die.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Question: Dear Keith, why the face?

That's funny.

I was at Christmas with my brother the other day, and he repeated a joke that I told him years ago. I don't remember where the joke came from, so I assume I made it up, but for all I know credit goes to someone else.

Here it is:

A horse walks into a bar.
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
The horse replies, "I have horse aids."

Short Answer: If you don't think this joke is extremely funny, you might be on the wrong site.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Question: Why?

Do fools fall in love? Titties.
Are we here? 'Cause other planets kill you.
Are all the good men taken? They're not. You're just not a good woman.
Is the sky blue? Because it misses someone madly.
Do cats purr? To fool you.
Am I so tired? It's hard spending Christmas with your head in your own split.
Is my eye twitching? You have a bunch of cancers.
Do we dream? So we can cleanse ourselves of our robot rape fantasies.
Am I always cold? Not enough bacon and cookies.
Are you interested in this position? 'Cause in missionary, I can't see that fat ass.
Can't I get pregnant? No such thing as mouth children.
Does my life suck? Not enough titties (or male equivalent.)
Are barns red? Because cows hate mauve.
Is the ocean salty? Whale gak.
Does it hurt when I pee? Too many titties.
Is it referred to as the fluid mosaic model? This describes the plasma membrane of animal cells. The cell membrane itself is thought to be in liquid, hence fluid, and the mosaic is because the proteins are embedded in the phospholipids, and model because titties.

Short Answer: If this was a philosophical question, you may find the answer hidden within the other answers. Note: it's titties.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Question: Can you write a poem about a character named Jae-Leith Piccolo?

I cannot.

(Though I try not to shut down challenges as a rule, it's Boxing Day, so give me a break, would ya?)

Short Answer: Got two poem questions in a row at Christmas time, and I write the blog off the top of my head. Couldn't stomach the inherent lack of quality that would be present in the second of back to back poems.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Question: Merry Christmas Keith! Can you write a poem with the last line being "on top of the artichoke jar"? Thank you, happy holidays.

As she was, the artichokes were a special kind.
Like her they were salty.
Like her they were rare.
Like her, they'd been chosen carefully, the best of the best of their kind.

On their first date, an informal and impromptu affair, at a Christmas Eve party hosted
by a mutual friend, those artichokes were served on crackers with a mediocre pate.

They turned and reached at the same time, and though their fingers never touched, their eyes did all the meeting.

He listened to her conversations for an hour, and she his, and they didn't move away, while pretending to talk to others.

Finally, at a moment when they were left alone, they turned to each other.

She had holly in her hair, and he, a sweater with mistletoe on it.

They had nothing to speak of but the artichokes.

It made sense, then, that a year later, at Christmas Eve, in their home, beneath the tree, he placed the engagement ring on top of the artichoke jar.

Short Answer: Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Question: More Christmas!

Thanks for this question, because I've been feeling like a lot of things have been getting passed over.

More Great Christmas Movies

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
Love Actually
Blackadder's Christmas Carol

More Great Christmas Songs

All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
Calling to Say by Serena Ryder

More Great Christmas Foods

Shepherd's Pie (w/gravy)
The Brutus (caeser salad variation w/sun dried tomatoes, bacon and asiago)
Apple and celery chutney with absinthe

More Great Christmas Traditions

Open sandwiches
New Christmas movie night
Wrestling pay-per-view party

Short Answer: Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Question: Don't think you've ever done best Christmas movies? Have you?

I don't think I have either.

Answer complete.

Alright, here goes:

My Favorite Christmas Movies

10) How the Grinch Stole Christmas - I'm talking cartoon, of course. My family used to watch this every Christmas Eve. This is also a cheater - it's only a 'short film', but I couldn't leave it off the list.
9) Home Alone - One of the few Christmas movie I got to see in theatre. When the iron hit's that dude in the face, I laughed and pooped.
8) Black Christmas - One of the first giallo style American slashers, deserves some of the credit given primarily to Carpenter's Halloween. And, wildly, directed by Bob Clark, who also directed #1.
7) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Possibly the funniest Christmas movie, and along with Fletch and Caddyshack, the most fun to be had with Chevy Chase.
6) It's a Wonderful Life - Number one on a lot of lists, I find the run time of this movie hurts the pace just enough to bring it down to Earth. Still great, though. Love me some Jimmy Stewart.
5) Bad Santa - That's right. Bad Santa is above It's a Wonderful Life! Why? Cursing and shenanigans! What's more Christmas than that?
4) Die Hard - It manages to tread that fine line of Christmas movie and nothing to do with Christmas movie, but a few iconic scenes bring it around. Now I have a machine gun, Ho-Ho-Ho, for example.
3) Elf - Momentarily putting aside Will Ferrel's adorable chicanery, this movie captures a lot of the magic and heart that I don't connect with in other 'classic' Christmas movies. One highlight, a pre-Tyrion Lannister Peter Dinklage performing a running dropkick.
2) Scrooged - Speaking of heart, the end of Scrooged is my favorite Christmas thing. It's just Bill Murray bubbling with Christmas spirit.
1) A Christmas Story - I remember hearing about A Christmas Story when I was young, and assumed it was like a lot of the other older fare that I had no use for. When I finally watched it, I was blown away. It is the most Christmas-y of Christmas movies by far. Not a finger!

Short Answer: While writing this answer, I had bouts of nostalgia and flickering memory, to the point that I've convinced myself I may have done a Christmas movie list before. Oh well, if this is a repeat, it was fun to do again.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Question: What are your thoughts on masturbating in public restrooms, for example at work, in the 3rd stall in the 10th floor bathroom at my office yesterday?

Yea, sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta come. Or the other way around.

Once, I closed a business to go and masturbate in the bathroom. So I'm on board with these sorts of situations. Often, for men, this is a necessity. When the peen gets full, and the mind won't think of anything else, you have to drain your resources or you become a weird, rapey monster. It's just part of being a dick-wielder.

As for the 3rd stall, good choice. People often use the first or the last one, and when the first one's full, they'll go to the second. The third is probably the least used or sought after stall, so it's a nice, clean place to eradicate your minions.

Short Answer: I think if you didn't masturbate at the office, you'd be a weirdo. Maybe not every day, but once in a while. It just means your still susceptible to the sexiness of the doughnut, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Question: My ego thinks it's awesome.

Here's an intriguing situation. Not a question at all, just some insanity left behind like a misplaced bag of dog turds.

But if its purpose is to make me consider what my ego thinks is awesome, then mission accomplished!

What AskKeithAnything's ego thinks is awesome:

Having my face tattooed on someone else's body.
People wanting me to sign parts of their bodies that are clearly in the bikini zone.
Wanting sexual congress with me because I wrote some words.
My farts.
Having my face tattooed on my own body.
Getting a thumbs up from Ghost Mark Twain.
When people reference my work with made-up adjectives, in comparison to other writers. "Like Dr. Seuss but slylier" for example.
When someone assumes I've seen many boobs.
The conceit that I can somehow defeat male pattern baldness with excellence.

Short Answer: This might have been a simple comment on something the Asker read. Oh well.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Question: What are your favorite Christmas carols?

It's at the point where I don't even know what qualifies as a Christmas carol anymore. I used to think of carols as oldey-time songs, but now there's so many modern versions that I'm pretty sure anything with Christmas intent counts.

Top Fifteen Christmas Songs

15) Winter Wonderland by Darlene Love
14) Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (by Frank Sinatra or any Muppets)
13) Silver Bells by Johnny Mathis
12) Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives
11) Please Come Home for Christmas by Charles Brown (or The Eagles)
10) I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.
9) Blue Christmas as sung by Porky Pig
8) Last Christmas by Wham
7) Merry Fucking Christmas by Mr. Mackey from South Park
6) White Christmas by Bing Crosby
5) Do They Know It's Christmas Time by Everyone (Band Aid)
4) Jingle Bell Rock by Chubby Checker and Bobby Rydell
3) Baby It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and anyone
2) The Grinch Song (You're a Mean One) from the Grinch movie.
1) Santa Baby by Madonna (or Eartha Kitt)

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions for almost anything else you can think of. There's so many good ones.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Question: Do you put up Christmas lights?

There was a time that I used to put lights up around my house, on the inside I mean. There was even one year where we put lights up in the bedroom. We liked that so much that we kept them there all year long.

This year, it was pretty much just the tree, 'cause our other set of lights had burnt out, and where the hell do you buy Christmas lights? It's a mystery that can't be solved.

Perhaps if I had a giant ass house I'd do something, though I'd be inclined to avoid the classic frame-job on the doors and gutters. I'd be more into putting lights all through or around the trees and bushes. I like the idea of a big blinking bush in the front yard.

Short Answer: I like Christmas lights, and though they're a pain the ass, I could see at least getting a little ways into them in the future.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Question: If the Nativity occurred in modern times, what gifts would the 3 Magi bring?

A few years back I did a little Magi scene. Here that is:


I assume, based on the fact that frankincense and myrrh are basically tree saps, that those magi would bring either maple syrup or some cultural equivalent of our time like incense or perfume. As for gold, that shit has survived and needs little translation. Either an envelope full of cash or an ITunes gift card, I'm guessing.

I'm not sure I understand the value of things at that time, but it's universal that the guy who brings the gold is a pimp.

Short Answer: I think the true equivalents might be points on the back end of a film and Chanel number 5. Or Brut. Yea, Brut.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Question: Do you like Christmas shopping?

I enjoy it in so much as I like having metal objects inserted into my rectal tract.

Was that too much sarcasm? Let me try again.
Christmas shopping is like having metal objects inserted into my rectal tract.
Ya feel me?
Christmas should be completely awesome but it's forever balanced by the intense stress of many chores that I do poorly - and that's not even taking money into account.
So no, I don't like Christmas shopping.
It's a titanium rod up the pucker.  

Short Answer: You heard me. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Question: Is it time to get down to the heart of the matter?

Hey! I love that song. Shut up! It's good! Shut up!

This might not be in reference to the single The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley from 1989, but it probably is, so I'll make that assumption. And the answer, is yes, it is time. So shut up!

I'm hardly an Eagles fan, and I don't have a thing for other Don Henley songs, but let's just say there's a reason this question reads the way it does and not, 'Is it time for the end of the innocence?' or 'Is it time for the last worthless evening?' or 'Is it time for all she wants to do is dance?' And that reason, if it's still not clear, is that The Heart of the Matter is his greatest achievement on this planet ever.

Short Answer: "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore."

I've got something manly in my eye. I have to go.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Question: Sometimes you do poetry, sometimes top tens. Can you do both?

Top Ten Poetic Things

10) Unicorns, bitch.
9) Straight up rain.
8) Yo! Rainbows.
7) That shit that gets all wet in your eyes.
6) Beauty and junk.
5) The way that I feel, homes.
4) Waxing.
3) Brotherhood of man, or having brosephines.
2) Roads that are like, double roads.
1) Serious boning.

Short Answer: Damn. The world is tight.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Question: How does one spice things up in the bedroom when they're going solo?

It might help to not be going solo in the bedroom. That's just going to remind you of other, less sad times when you were in the bedroom not going solo. Then you're just mangling a floppy thing, rather than juicing the beast.

I think a good challenge for the bored jerker-offer is to try to masturbate under duress. You know, like it that scene in the Robin Hood movie where Maid Marian blows in Kevin Costner's ear while he's trying to shoot his arrow. (Somehow, not euphemisms.)

Try jacking it at the drive through, for example. Or in a public bathroom. Or in the communal sink in your building's laundry room. Or on the toiler whilst in the middle of pre-dump cramping. Or on the toilet during a movement. Or on the toilet after you've laid a big 'un. Or on the cold balcony in bare feet.

You get the picture. And if that doesn't spice things up, you can always follow the North American trend of ramming weird stuff into your butt. Seriously, a large amount of emergency visits are for things stuffed up the butt. By percentages, you're going to do it at some time. Might as well have some fun while you're at it.

An obvious choice, if the rules permit, is to not be solo in the bedroom, despite the fact that you're sacrificing your own queen. Any sort of interested, or even uninterested, onlooker will do. From janitor at the nearby office building, to ex-landlady, to homeless wino, to highly paid prostitute, all eyes are good eyes when they're fixated on your wang whilst mid-massacre.

Short Answer: I hope that helps. You should never be bored when your junk is in the palm of your hand, at the tips of your fingers, or being gargled by your favorite oversized stuffed toy.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Question: How do we improve the public gym experience?

I do hate to be this predictable, but the answer again is nudity.

Besides the obvious benefit of seeing a woman do the chest press while topless (or whatever the female, dong-out equivalent is - leg scissor thing?), it would also make communal hot tubes and saunas a lot more interesting. Also, it equals out the vulnerability quotient.

Allow me to explain. When many people go to the gym, they end up feeling bad about themselves, embarrassed even, because they aren't as fit as one of the gym rats. In the nudity era, we'll all by exposing our most private of privates, levelling the playing field when it comes to that embarrassment. Sure, there might be a roid monkey with a ton of slab downstairs, but even seeing his floppity dong bag will make you feel better about yourself, because dong bags is silly. And in most cases, exercise penis - a form of shrinkage - will make every one of those people who spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym seem less intimidating.

It will also even out the problem of weight loss and weight gain, as you'll be more focused on how you actually look, being forced to mirror up every time you do a squat thrust. This is probably more healthy, and less stressful than checking every day to see if you've lost a pound.

The only real issue here is one of sanitation, as we all have experienced that small percentage of gym goers how don't spray and wipe their machines when they're done.

And we're gonna need a more powerful spray.

Short Answer: Erections could also be an issue, on account of the aforementioned tits out chest exercise thing.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Question: Should I fear the dark?

Iron Maiden thinks you should.

As many wise men have said before me, it's not the dark that you should fear, it's what's all up in it.

People forget that we're supposed to fear the dark. That's evolution, gramps. So go for it.

But if it's keeping you awake, try pretending you're being guarded by Spider-Man and Bret 'the Hitman' Hart. That always works for me.

Short Answer: That last sentence was completely, 100 percent true.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Question: How does one become effectively ambitious?

Like my father used to say to me, and my mother, and my siblings, and anyone who's ever met me pretty much:

Aim low.

Wait. That's a burn on me, isn't it? Dammit.

Ambition, if you're lucky enough to have it, is the driving force behind a lot of motivation that otherwise might not appear. I think to use that ambition effectively is to allow that motivation to take hold, and ride it until it dies. Think of being on a horse, chasing after your beloved, who's been taken by some cowardly wizard in reaction to some ass-handing you gave him in the recent past. You'll ride that horse into the ground if you have to, just to see your beloved's big, silicone DDs one more time.

I may have crossed up a few things there, but at least it was ambitious.

Short Answer: Producing work. I think that's the key. Take the ambition, let it motivate you, and finish what you start. The rewards will come. And if they don't, you're doing all you can by killing a horse...or something. Boobs!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Question: If Neil Armstrong was homosexual, would his moon landing be considered a felony in Texas?

Is moon landing a metaphor? For gay sex? For a man's penis entering the atmosphere of another man's bottom?

(Yea, I know the moon doesn't have an atmosphere exactly; I'm trying to make jokes here, do you mind?)

If it isn't, then probably. Texas, for all its love of things being bigger, doesn't seem to have that much in common with people who want dongs up their butts. Or maybe they all love dong-butt and just can't kick the conservative oldies that run things. Who's to say what the people actually want anymore? Their voices are supressed. They're not represented, they're taxed and stroked and lied to.

How did this get political?

For a country that has the most prisoners in the world (not per capita, just the most) you'd think they'd go a little easier on the crimes that give only pleasure and happiness to the participants. (Assuming lube and foreplay were major parts of the act. I assume if astronauts are involved they take a lot of precautions, space being more dangerous than butts and all.)

I think it's pretty obvious that the government has no place in the bedroom, unless it's a prima nocta type situation. Which I think would be hot, but whatever.

Short Answer: One small step for a man, one giant leap into another man's anus.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Question: Is my tie straight?

I don't know. Does it have sex with other ties?

(Hysterical Laughter...fading...fading...getting closer...choking...the sound of a body hitting the floor...the sound of a dialing phone...9...1...silence.)

Short Answer: _________________________________

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Question: Did you know that Keith Richards has an 'Ask Keith' option on his website?

I did know that, because like every real man on this planet, I Google myself constantly while doing my nails.

But I can safely say if there's one thing I do better than Keith Richards, it's answer questions. Unless the questions are about age, manliness, ability to rock, women, immortality, putting up with too much Jagger, putting up with too much poon, being an icon...

Ah, shit. That dude's lived a pretty sweet life, hasn't he? Compared to him, I'm just a wee little boy. He probably makes the panties drop way faster than I do, and though I can turn a phrase, he can probably turn a straight man gay, and that's way more impressive.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think Keith Richards is a handsome man, at least not anymore, but there is something irrepressibly attractive about someone who survives the rock and/or roll life style. I'm pretty sure there's dudes who would bang him just because of his longevity and experience. Am I off base, here? Should I not be talking about Keith Richards having sex with dudes?

The real difference between Keith Richards and I, besides amount of tail slung, and hit records dropped and epic crow's feet, is that here, on my site, you can ask 'anything'. I'm sure there are some stringent rules of conduct when asking questions of Keith Richards. Rules like:

No more than two sentences because lifetime of booze.

...and so on.

Short Answer: I think we can safely share the market place. Thinkin' we probably don't have as much crossover clientele as he'd like to think we do.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Question: What's with you man? (Spaceballs reference)

You're right to reference Spaceballs. It is one of my favorite comedy time film movies.

What's with me, specifically?

Too much dong is my theory. It gave me an inflated sense of self when I was very young. And having all those older women commit to round robin cage fights just for a chance to kneel before me was also a bit of a false confidence builder.

Another possibility is that I was born too awesome for this mortal body. Sometimes I feel like I'm stretching this flesh sack to its furthest capabilities. Often I'll poop and feel considerably better, but other times the poop don't cut it.

Yet a third possibility is that I'm just a bit of jerk. There's some precedent for this. Setting up those cage fights wasn't so nice, and stealing my black neighbour's catch phrase - 'The poop don't cut it!' - for this post isn't cool. I also have a tendency to lay waste to all the vajay in my particular area, making lots of bitches completely pregnant. When this happens, it's cage fighting time.

Short Answer: Overdeveloped sense of self-importance? Nah, couldn't be.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Question: Do I tell my son about the prequels, or is that something he has to learn on his own?

For those not in the know, this question is in reference to the Star Wars prequels. They will not be named on this blog.

I think indoctrinating your kid is bad. Yet, you also - as a father - have a duty to protect the little bugger.

So perhaps context is wise, here. The natural excitement that a normal human has for the wonder and joy of Star Wars is something you definitely want to show the world, especially children. They should see the passion and the love and the caring, and you should welcome them to share in that joy if they so choose, encouraging all the positivity you can.

Then you can say something like, "Yea, then they took a bunch of shits on us, and that's these three movies. Watch them if you don't care about your soul." If your kids ask you what a soul is, you can then say, "It's that thing that George Lucas doesn't have" and walk away, letting them contemplate the mysteries of the universe, and also who the fuck green lit 'phantom menace' as a title.

Short Answer: Context.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Question: If everybody has on demand and tevo now does anybody still actually watch Christmas specials when they air on regular television anymore?

I still have for the past few years, but more and more the PVR/DVR is changing the way we watch television. Now, I just do a search at the beginning of December and set up all the things I want to record, and then watch them at my leisure.

I'd like to say that this is some tradition that will never die, like butt fucking and book reading (the name of my new autobiography), but it isn't. Having to watch things when 'the man' tells you to is not a tradition, and we're right as consumers to demand better.

Fuck, we're spoiled.

It's still probably possible to be surprised. I can see it happening. "Holy shit, is that Burgermeister MeisterBurger? Shit, we gotta watch the shit out of this shit!" Something like that.

Short Answer: It's funny to think we were once slaves to network television scheduling. I wonder if the premium type channels that run movies over and again will eventually change too, now that people can just record the movie when it first airs. Will that mean more content on those channels? Will they have to start keeping up with the Netflixes of the world? Yea, that's right. Who's asking questions now, bitch!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Question: Why does the Simpsons suck so bad now?

I've always been of the camp that left the Simpsons behind right around the time that it became so popular my parents were quoting from it.

But I'm willing to venture a controversial statement on this. Perhaps, just maybe, it doesn't suck so bad now. Maybe it's just that it was so good in its heyday, that what goes on now pales in comparison.

I mean, the show couldn't have continued for this long with absolutely no quality. And the reason it was so good back in the day was because of the writers, and those have changed considerably, but again, it's not like they go looking for no-talent hacks.

I'm basically a season 3-7 guy, which I think is where most people agree the show was at its best. These were the years that the Simpsons dominated my vernacular, and to this day, I still quote them in appropriate situations in my life. I can't begin to recount how many times the sody has made my teef hurt, or that the goggles have done nothing, or that I was out of Bort licence plates. Union boss, hockey game, Scorpio - these are the Simpsons I remember.

It's weird when someone who continues to watch brings up a 'classic' Simpsons episode and I have no idea what they're talking about. And it's always the same sort of thing. "You know, the one where Homer becomes an assistant for Martha Stewart" or some shit like that. If that sentence doesn't go, "You know, the one where Homer becomes an astronaut" I don't care.

Short Answer: It probably doesn't suck, but other shows took the reins and then the lead in animated comedy. I'm lookin' at you, South Park.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Question: God, why do bad things happen to good people?

First of all, you're right to assume I'm some sort of god, if not a demi-god or a minotaur of some repute. But sadly, I am neither of these, no matter how many times people have said - with little prompting - that I have the dong of a minotaur.

So, I'll answer, but let's be clear it's not under the guise of having any responsibility. God forbid.

Things happen to people.

Short Answer: If you start getting more complicated than that, you're in for a long life of philosophy reading and a short evening of wrist slitting.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Question: Does the celebration of Christmas amongst secularists promote mindless conformity or the celebration of humanity?

I have absolutely no desire to step on the beliefs of Christians around Christmas time. Historically speaking, the nicest they ever are is when they're celebrating the birth of Jesus.

Mindless conformity is a tough phrase. I think from a consummation of goods angle, it probably does apply. But if we're talking about conformity to some set of unknown ideals that are actually based in Christianity, no, I don't think so.

I present myself as example. I love Christmas. Tree, presents, family, happiness, Chinese food, the Grinch. Love it. And I don't recall God or Jesus or anyone else having anything at all to do with it. My family is a fine example of a group that takes in nothing religious about the holiday, and enjoys all the positives. The ideas of community, kindness and good will to all men may coincide with Christian beliefs, but that doesn't bother me any, because if they do, it's where the Christians got it right.

As for the celebration of humanity, I think that's a stretch, too. (See Black Friday.) I think it's obvious that Christmas has become a very large cash grab, and we might all do a little better to not unload our bankrolls. Then again, giving presents is one of the best feelings I can imagine, so is it really all bad to join the sinking consumer ship if it makes you feel so good?

I'm not going to get into a history lesson here, but it doesn't take a genius to know that Jesus wasn't actually born on that day, and that the holiday of Christmas was basically layered over Saturnalia, the pagan celebration that took place at the end of the calendar year. So the inclusion of Santa and a manger or two is kind of irrelevant to me. We're celebrating another year's end, with joy and presents and stupid traditions that though possibly made up by Coca-Cola, still make me feel like a better, happier person.

Short Answer: Let's think of it this way. If all secularists banded together and said, 'Fuck Christmas! We're going to celebrate the end of the year without all of these traditions because they might symbolize a support of Christianity!' In twenty years, we'd have new traditions, and they'd also be made up crap layered on top of an existing holiday. Tradition itself is where the sense of nostalgia and community come from; it doesn't necessarily matter what the traditions are. If you want to put baby Jesus on top of your tree, go for it. It's not going to stop me from having a tree.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Question: How did you get a 100 on a recent nerd test?

This question is in reference to a little test I participated in on Facebook. It's a list of one hundred movies and your score, quite simply, is how many of the movies you've seen. The list is supposed to be indicative of how much of a nerd you are, I suppose because many of the movies are considered nerd culture; Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR and other like-minded fare.

To my utter delight, I had seen all of the movies. I think it might be a natural response for me to feel like I've wasted my life, but instead I had rather the opposite reaction. Because I love movies, and I've spent a lot of time going backward and scrounging around for movies that other generations loved, I should score highly on a test like this. I make the effort, unlike a lot of people who consider themselves movie buffs, who don't really take the time to see all the greats of a genre (let alone all genres).

And genre is my thing. I've seen a lot of sci-fi, horror and fantasy movies. This is notable because it takes a particular determination to sift through all the crap. Even movies that others consider fantastic can be total garbage. King Kong for example. People love that movie. Some claim it is the best horror movie ever made. I think King Kong is a gong show, full of poor performances and me yawning. One who loved the movie might claim that I don't know what I'm talking about, that I'm a 'young whipper-snapper' full of candy corn and hope. But I just scored one hundred on a movie nerd test, bitch, so I guess I have some idea of context. And King Kong can suck on a loaf of rock hard fruitcake for my money.

Short Answer: The thing was called 100 Basic Training Movies at Nerd Academy, if you want to see what your score is.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Question: My friends all like going out to karaoke, but I think it's a big stupid waste of time. What should I do? Do I go with them or not?

If you're a professional singer, karaoke is a great way to show off to dullards that you have skill, and therefore can be a quick way to make you feel good about yourself before going home to your next tear-filled shower.

If you're a terrible singer, karaoke is a great way to show off that you are brave and stupid enough to bore the fuck out of everyone, or make their ears shame-bleed before going home to your next tear-filled shower.

Karaoke is like having a wonderful breakfast and then finding out a dog chef made that breakfast, and even though he's a cute dog, he has that weird smelly ear thing going on, which is okay normally but pretty gross in terms of food preparation. Hopefully he has sous chefs that aren't dogs that don't have the ear thing, but you also want to believe that the executive dog chef took a paws on approach to your fabulous meal.

Karaoke is that thing you do when you're drunk that you would never do when you were sober because the difference between drunk and sober is how good at decision making you are. "I could go sing Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie and bore the shit out of everyone, or I could sit here and eat some bread because my shit is off-kilter at this point," said no one who does karaoke ever.

Short Answer: Dog Chef. I wouldn't be surprised if someone stole this and put it on TV. I saw a show about nude people buying new homes the other day. On The Learning Channel. Fuck us all. I think we just got karaoked.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Question: Been awhile since we've seen a poem. Got any to spare?

The Devil drives a taxi
And he listens to your stories
Hoping that you might reveal your soul

But he doesn't want to steal it
Only borrow just a piece
And drag it on back down into his hole

With a little cheap white desk lamp
And high-end corrective lenses
He writes the greatest story ever told

To sell it to the public
And make a million dollars
A bestseller to inflate his bulging fold.

Short Answer: I guess 'Bulging Fold' isn't a good title so we'll go with 'Cheap Desk Lamp'.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Question: Can you elaborate?

On having sex with your mother?


She was wet, because it was raining and her wool hat wasn't waterproof. She looked like a nearly dead otter, too fat to roll over for another gasping breath of life-giving air.

I took her meaty hand, like a newly skinned package of sausages, and led her to your house while you were at work. You hadn't made the bed.


It was like undressing a wrinkly hot water bottle that had been dipped in hair gel. Finally, when the last of the clothes were sloughed off, she stood there, like a compressed Stay Puft Marshmallow man, naked pockets full of cottage cheese and freckles.

It was hard for me to achieve erection. I kept thinking about how disappointed in her you would be, that she would let it come to this. That helped.

When I entered her, it was like driving a cornhusk into a plate of mashed up beefaroni that had sat out over night. I could feel every little inch of her musky, calloused insides as they were hot-frictioned back into some semblance of sliminess.

The next three minutes were the best she ever had. Mainly because you're a great disappointment to her.

Short Answer: I guess the moral here, if I must continue to elaborate, is that you're both very disappointing human beings. Having sex with your fat, lonely mother was like fucking a bean bag chair that had been left in a leaky garage all winter.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Question: What do you think about Black Friday?

If zombie movies have taught us anything - and they have taught us everything - to participate in consumer driven abortions like Black Friday is to be a mindless automaton bent on doing nothing but harm to oneself and society as a whole.

It would never occur to me to go shopping, a horrible, terrible event to begin with, whilst all other humans are also shopping. That sounds like a three-tier enema to me.

I would rather pay more for stuff, and not get trampled, fondled, gropeled, and every other thing that busy feet and fingers do in a crowd bursting with yelly, foul intent.

But to each mad consumer his own, and I don't judge people's desire to either get things done sooner, or cheaper, depending on what Black Friday means to them. It's just hard, from the outside, not to see it as a giant victory for corporate greed, as the humans spill like rats into the maze, hoping to sniff out the cheese and clasp their jaws around it by any means necessary before another filthy rat gets the spoils.

Short Answer: I'm more of a Black Sunday kind of fella.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Question: Could you explain failure using a series of colourful analogies?


Like being asked to walk the plank, slipping, launching like a rocket from the seat of your pants, and belly-flopping into shark infested waters.

Having only water for your cereal.

Viagra for masturbation.

A mummy using the toilet effectively enough, then unravelling itself completely on the way back to the dinner table, because he got his wrappings caught.

Blowing your load into a condom while trying to put in on.

Attempting to address a bully with a firm statement, on the spot coming up with, "You're the one who has hands."

Ruining everyone's shit by not getting out the way, like the iceberg that sunk the titanic.

Putting your keys in the fish bowl at the beginning of the key party, going back later to see only your own keys remaining.

Crocs and poncho.

Trying to cook sexy naked dinner, arriving at the hospital emergency in a bathrobe for searing the tip of your penis on the inside of the oven door.

Laughing at yourself in the mirror.

Short Answer: Failure: Trying to write funny analogies and resorting to simile, metaphor and irony.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Question: How do we improve the public bathroom experience?

More touching. Just get in there, hold some hands, stroke a stranger's back, run your fingers through a guy's hair at the urinal. Let's bring physical contact back into that world of uncomfortable silence.

Low singing, too. That would be nice. 'I will always love you,' never stopped a man mid-stream, I assure you.

Less toilet paper in the stalls, so that you have to communicate with the outside world to wipe your bum. There's camaraderie in that, especially if someone has to sacrifice something, like a page out of their journal, so you can have a clean bottom.

Dear Diary: Lump of poo.

Did I say strobe lights yet? I didn't? What the hell?

Murder clowns are great too, especially when your pants are around your ankles. And yes, I'm still at the urinal.

How about a lot of plant life, like wall crawling vines, so that there's kind of a musky, greenhouse thing going on? Nothing says too many people in a room better than plant stank.

Oh, and less sarcasm.

Short Answer: Extremely difficult to improve. I don't do away games, if at all possible.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Question: Is it gauche to wear a crown during sex?

Not if you're the emperor, king, queen, prince, princess, earl, marquis - pretty much any fancy title - of sex. I mean you've earned it, right? Even if only handed down by birthright, someone made some sacrifices at some point so you could wear that crown. Why not wear it with pride?

Obviously, if you're having sex with other crown wearing sack-royalty, this is not an issue, because there will be sceptres and tiaras abound. I can see a slight dilemma however if you're the Grand Duke of Sex (my title) and you bring home some gullyrat after a rave. Then, you know, she's all hopped up on whatever they're calling ecstasy this week and she smells like a lot of people dancing, and her fishnets are ripped and she already has her skirt above her waist. You go and bust out your crown at that point and it might seem a little out of place.

Though perhaps gauche to start with your crown on, I think having it nearby on the nightstand (still in its glass case, of course) for easy access right before you 'blow the horn' is totally acceptable. Even if she thinks it's strange, if you've done a good job - and you have, you're sex royalty - she's about to 'milk the bellows' as well and won't care too much. Think of it in the same way as yelling something hilarious. Can't get away with 'yabba-dabba-do' at the beginning, but you can sure let one rip at the end.

Also, if you're really concerned, you can position your lover so that they're eating royal pillow (not a metaphor) just before you finish, so she can't see you slipping your crown on. (This doesn't work so well for the lady royals. Perhaps bury your lover's face in your boobs? That usually does the trick.) If you're really slick, you can get the crown on, finish up with the 'succession' and have it back in the glass box before she rolls over and opens her eyes.

Short Answer: Gauche? A little. Tasteful. Yes. Awesome? Definitely.

Note: If this question was referencing a paper crown, like the one from Burger King birthday parties, then it's totally not gauche to go with that.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Question: What does your wife's snoring sound like?

Like a rhinoceros getting a prostate exam.

Like two girls with implants doing a duel 69 motorboat.

Like the devil clearing his throat before a speech, but it's an important speech and he's a little nervous.

Like someone's tearing down a beloved statue of a great historical figure.

Like crunchy zombie farts.

Like a bull moose getting a reacharound from a backhoe.

Like a tuba player blowing his instrument while submerged in a swimming pool filled with chunky peanut butter.

Like a gravel filled fog horn.

Like Atlas, struggling to hold in a fart while keeping the world aloft.

Like kraken Lamaze.

Short Answer: It sounds a lot like me slapping some titty. Wake up, bitch!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Question: Think you could write the longest answer you've ever written?

I already have.

I've also written the shortest, the funniest, the smelliest and every other adjective you can think of.

In all fairness to the question, the longest answer I've ever written is this one:


Someone asked me to write a story. So I did. That was by far the meanest question I've ever received, because writing a story takes a significant portion of time. Therefore, to write something even longer, I'd probably have to write another narrative that comes in longer than...1343 words.

Shit. That's not actually that many words. I'm guessing that my longest post is actually this one, then:


Yea, that one is way more, at almost 2200 hundred words. That means some of my bigger lists are the biggest answers, probably.

That big list of guilty pleasure movies is also my most popular post. I wonder if length is something people are really into? I know my wife is, that's why she hangs out with her friend Jerome twice a week.

Short Answer: Though it did occur to me to try, I've chosen not to ramble on to exceed my previous word count record. Let's go with the initial sarcastic answer instead, shall we?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Question: My inlaws are in town. How should I proceed?

A lot of people go straight for the booze, but I'm more of an LSD to deal with inlaws kind of guy. It seems the job of all inlaws to make their children's significant others feel awkward and insignificant. I counter this by the random naked acts of drug use. I don't feel awkward being naked in my own house, but the inlaws don't seem very comfortable with it at all. Also, when high as a jacked up lightning-kite, I tend to profess to others that I am above them, Godly, and that they are often my bitches. This turns their desire to make me feel insignificant back on themselves, like a gun loaded with warm shits.

I also like to serve them food that no person wants to eat, and act like they're unsophisticated for not wanting to try it. "No, roasted apples with tucked-in snails is very popular right now in the culinary world. More mustard, Dad?"

Another great way to establish dominance while your inlaws are around is to totally fuck your spouse, preferably in the middle of the day, and in a closet or bathroom, and as loudly as possible. This will make them nearly die. And if you can, get your mate to call you God in a loud voice, therefore reinforcing the whole insignificance thing. I also like to throw in a good, "I'm...really...enjoying...fucking...your...vagina...(wife's name)." And go with the full name, really drive it home.

One more way to gain total control is to physically hurt the male inlaw a few times, always by accident of course. (I like the brutal, deathsqueeze handshake, myself.) As for the female inlaw, let her know that you see where your wife gets her looks, and slap a little old lady ass.

Now, they're just frightened children, who'll eat all their supper and go to bed. They won't sleep, so don't feel awkward doing some more loud fucking. I find it turns me on to imagine them wide-eyed and unable to process feelings.

Short Answer: Don't take any shit! It's your house! You're a grown ass man/woman!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Question: My polar bear is doing that thing again. Any advice?

What, that thing where he swims from ice flow to ice flow trying to find a home that's quickly melting away so that eventually he and all of his kind drown and become extinct?

Not much advice, no. Unless you want to put a drowned polar bear head in every climate change denier's bed, I don't think there's a whole lot you can do, here.

Or is it that thing where he tries to bite his own tail and then falls over and does that weird roll where it looks like he's flipped himself inside out for a moment before springing back to his feet? That shit's adorable. I'd advise you not to interfere.

Or is it that thing where they aren't really white. That their fur is actually clear, and just gives the impression of whiteness? Advice? Tie-dye that fucker. That'll teach him for being colorless.

No matter how many jokes I make now, I'm already sad about the drowning thing.

I fucked up.

Short Answer: Polar bears are pretty. Baby polar bears are one of my favorite baby anythings on the planet.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Question: How would you bring back the spittoon?

Is James Joyce an idiot? He thought cuspidor, the Portuguese word for spittoon, was the most beautiful word in the English language.

For those not in the know, a spittoon is a little jug or urn that looks a lot like what you should be pissing in, that instead acts as a receptacle for spits. Particularly the frequent spits provided by tobacco chewers.

Did you know there are spittoons next to the justices of the Supreme Court, and all throughout the senate? No one spits in them anymore (presumably), but instead they're used as wastebaskets.

I guess to bring the old cuspidor back here in North America we'd have to start spitting something. Tobacco ain't gonna come back on that front; too many internet pictures of people with mouth cancer. I'm thinking we're going to have to start spitting something else...

How about our food? You know, think of it like a wine tasting. That would help the obesity epidemic if it was culturally acceptable to spit...oh, say...a third of the food we were going to swallow into a spittoon. Of course, the spittoons would have to be bigger and more solid, and you might need to add water before you empty them. Jesus, there's a job for you. Spittoon waterer-downer. Like a jizz mopper, but more saliva!


Short Answer: Okay. I figured it out.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Question: Where do you come down on Ironman 3?

Between the neck and the shoulders?

I'm not going to write a proper review here. I chose not to write a review after watching the movie, and now I'm too far removed and wouldn't be able to do it justice.

(In case anyone's forgotten, I'm a huge Iron Man fan, both comics and films. And of course, SPOILERS.)

The gist is:


You know what we need in Iron Man movies? Less Iron Man! But you know what we need more of? Random suits that don't do shit but explode!

Oh shit, we forgot Rhodey. Jam him in there. No, no one will notice that the subplot is irrelevant if we blow up enough stuff at the end.

Make Pepper the hero? Wait, what makes her capable of defeating an enemy that no one else can defeat? She's wearing a sports bra? Never mind. I rescind my inquiry.

Don't worry, we've got the Mandarin. Oh, what? We don't? Right, right I forgot about that mandate where we're now going to ruin the fuck out of each superhero's most famous and beloved villain. What? No? Just Iron Man's? Still gonna treat all the other super villains with the utmost respect? Cool.

Hey, let's have there be a 'battery' issue with Jarvis. That makes sense. And then some little kid will have to help Tony because he's such a mess from coping. You know, all the alcoholism. What? No alchohol? But what are we going...he has panic attacks? Are you fucking kidding me?

At least this is the Extremis story line. That comic kicked ass. What, because we're jamming the Iron Patriot (???) and the Mandarin into this movie, there isn't really enough space to do the Extremis thing justice? It's just basically a bunch of 'fire-guys'?

Hold on. Did you just say he's going to be able to remote control the Iron Man suit? Therefore taking away the entire need for Tony to be inside of it? Therefore destroying the heart and soul of one of the most beloved Marvel characters? Again, he doesn't have to be in it for it to work? Are you fucking kidding me? No risk, no heroism, no....

Head asplodes!

Short Answer: I tried so hard to enjoy this movie. I forgave, and forgave, and forgave. Afterward, every time I'd think about it, I'd remember something else that was poorly thought out, poorly put together and jammed down our throats with the likeness of the other two films. I'm baffled that so many people don't see the issues with this film. Isn't there a scene where dick bag breathes fire and stops Rhodey from escaping, and then the next time we see Rhodey he's outside? Maybe I just need to watch it again.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Question: How do you know if you've accidentally sparked an uprising?

Of penis? Pressure at the front of your jeans, I guess.

It's hard to know for sure if it was accidental. I mean if you walk around being so awesome that some random shit you said can get people all up in arms, you're either going to be oblivious or not all that surprised.

Pitchforks, torches, kill the monster chants. Those are all good hints something's up, but don't really indicate that you were somehow responsible. Unless I suppose you can track back to a significant event, like, you were the one in the bar who said, "Hey, you guys know there's a fucking monster in that castle? Totally murdered some little kid, too."

But there are other kinds of uprisings. Not all are peasant based, or driven by monster vengeance. I would think that the political kind would be hard to do by mistake, unless some politician took the initiative to exploit your story. Something along the lines of:

You put peanut butter on your bag to get your dog to lick it. (No judgement. It was Tuesday, you were bored, and your dog seemed a little lonely.) Your dog enjoys that sweet, sweet nutsack so much that he takes a little nibble. You end up in the hospital, and the stitches they sew into your pouch are really noticeable. Next time you're with a prostitute, she shies away from the area because she's afraid those really obvious stitches are indicative of some sort of transferable disease. Despite your best efforts to explain that she is in fact the diseased one, she turns down your trick. Cut to: her servicing some politician. After coitus, she relays the story of the thick-stitched ball bag john. The politician is flabbergasted. Can't a man get a fuckin' prostitute to play with his jibblies? What are these stitcher-uppers doing to our freedoms? And then he takes it upon himself to rid the world of thick black stitches, all because your dog gave you that forlorn look and you were too lazy to take him for a walk.

The uprising might be subtle, as many people who either have oral sex with their dogs, or frequently utilize whores don't come forward with loud voices. But a lot of murmurs from behind hand-covered mouths add up pretty well.

But you are accidentally responsible, you brave, dog-raping soul, you.

Short Answer: The word uprising makes me think of boners, in case any of this was confusing.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Question: What would happen if Shrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog got married?

First of all, I will not live in a world where cats get married to dogs. Marriage is a sacred thing, that should only happen between two openly gay dudes.

The scenario I envision is a simple one. Someone rings a bell, and Pavlov's dog's conditioning makes him open Schrodinger's box. He looks inside, learns whether the cat is alive or dead (or God help us, there at all) and then closes the box without telling anyone the results.

Great. Now we've taught a dog one of the deeper mysteries of the universe. How long before he breeds a race of intelligent dog warrior/poets to enslave us all? They know all about discipline; soon we'll be the ones jumping at the sound of a bell.

The other issue of course in this question of quantum superposition compared to collapsing reality is whether or not the dog salivates into the box, and if that saliva, after a period of time, is wet or dry. Or is it both wet and dry, because we aren't looking inside the box? This is scientifically relevant to us as humans because of how often during sleep we drool, make eye goo, emit boogers, pee pajamas and spread poo particles in all general directions.

And what if, just what if, they manage to procreate? Is that animal both dog and cat? Is it one or the other? Will it meet you at the door, tail wagging? Or step on your keyboard when you're trying to work?

A lot of science here. A lot of science. Yep, yep, yep.

Short Answer: (Takes nap.)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Question: A dragon, a man with a leaf blower and a one-eyed frog walk into a bar...

This sounds super filthy. I'm pretty sure that dragon means dick, and one-eyed frog means dick and a man with a leaf blower is a man with a dick.

So I'm guessing there's gonsta be some fuckin'!

This isn't really a question, so I guess the person is suggesting I finish the joke.


A dragon, a man with a leaf blower, and a one-eyed frog walk into a bar.

'Alright,' says the barkeep. I don't have any treasure, I don't need to be blown, and we don't serve Cyclopses.'

'Everyone needs to be blown,' said a voice from the back of the room.

The dragon, of an ill-humoured sort of dragons from the south, burned the budding humorist with a single exhalation, then the man with the leaf blower blew the ashes out through the front door.

'Well, I never," said the bartender.

'What?" asked the one-eyed frog.

'I've never seen anything like that in my life.'

'I've only ever seen half of everything, and I never know how far away it's happening,' said the one-eyed frog.

'This joke became very literal,' said the fluffer.

Short Answer: Bail!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Question: What's your ensemble movie dream cast and what film would you remake with them?

The difficulty here is deciding whether the cast is chosen for the particular roles of the movie I'd like to remake, or if I should pick my favorite actors and then find the movie that they would fit in.

First off, Gary Oldman, for sure. He's probably a central figure. Followed by Tim Roth, James Spader, Kiefer Sutherland and Tom Hardy. I think for ladies it's Rachel Weisz and Amy Adams, though I have a rotating group of favorite ladies. That's the answer for right now.

My mind goes directly to a movie like Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, probably because both Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman were in it, and a movie like that lends itself to some pretty meaty little roles.

You know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see a big old space adventure with all these folks as the crew, as unrealistic at that hope is. Like a remake of the film Supernova. You know that one? James Spader is in that, and he's awesome, but the movie is total garbage. But the original premise was hell in space. For that matter, they could remake Event Horizon, a movie that some people like a lot (because they're dumb) that though better than Supernova, could use a good remake/rogering.

Either that or The Expendables. That movie literally couldn't have been any worse. And I'm pretty sure that watching a couple of old fuckers slap fight would be better than the fights in that movie. (Except for Jason Statham, of course, who was created from dirt and blood to fight on celluloid.)

Imagine Amy Adams and Rachel Weisz getting in a little tussle. Anyone?

You know what would be fun? To take one of those movies from when we were kids, like Monster Squad, or Goonies, or The Explorers, and make a sequel with all those kids grown up, and each of my fave actors could play one of the roles.

Imagine Amy Adams revisiting: "Come on. Don't be chickenshit!"
Or Tom Hardy doing the truffle shuffle.
Or Gary Oldman shouting, "Hey You Guys!" as an aging sloth.

Short Answer: I like a lot of actors and actresses. And there are a lot of bad movies out there that could be remade. Too many options to nail down one.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Question: My ankle hurts when I twist it. What should I do?

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, here, but I don't think you're supposed to be twisting your ankle on purpose. I think it probably bends and flexes, but I don't think it wants to twist.

My advice would be to stop twisting it.

This is not just me. I'm pretty sure the most used terminology - though not always accurate to the problem  - when one hurts one's ankle, is to say they twisted it.

Basically what I'm saying that you're saying is the equivalent of, 'my elbow hurts when I hyperextend it' or 'my penis gets sore at the tip after punching'. Best not to hyperextend your elbow or punch your wang.

What you should do is begin a strict and concentrated regime of less ankle twisting, and more angle bending and flexing. Try walking normally, without letting your foot slide from side to side, or without letting the ankle joint wiggle until you feel pain and fall over.

Also, learn words good. There are a lot of ways to express yourself. This isn't one of them.

Short Answer: To your ironic dismay, you might want to go to a doctor about your head, if you're so inclined to actively twist your ankle.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Question: Is this the coming of the age of aquarius?

I thought that was in the sixties? Wait, is this another one of those time travelling questions? Was this asked aloud, or into a phonograph, and magically transported here? Can you even hear me? Please, anyone!

It might be the coming of the fist of smashface-ius. How would you like that, ya bastard?

That term/song reminds of 40 Year Old Virgin. That movie was good. I liked how it was one of those 'everyone who's in that is famous now' movies. Those should have their own list.


See ya!

Short Answer: No. It's the age of Taurus. 'Cause I said so, that's fuckin' why.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Question: What's the worst thing that could happen?

In general? Death.
On an airplane? Food poisoning nose dive.
In a bathtub? Little poop.
In a bra? Dry nipples.
In Antarctica? Penguin leprosy.
On the bus? Big poop.
Around Christmas time? Localized present fire.
In a kayak race? Itchy leg.
Near Salem? Being a witch.
While kissing Cerano de Bergerac? Cheek abrasion.
On the wing of an airplane? Midsection bird.
In the Kentucky Derby? Bucket of chicken.
At the Alamo? Conditional surrender.
To late night television? Leno.
In a prom dress? Pregnancy.
To a paraplegic? Anything else.
After Midnight? Feeding a gremlin.
Before Sunset? Another movie with only talking.
To Jaleel White? Momentary career resurgence.
To football? Less helmets.
In Dildo, Newfoundland? Name change.
On television? Cat rape.
Near a volcano? Push.
In or around your junk? Razor blades.
To the Pope? Wilting hat stilt.
To a dog in the midst of pooping? Smack in the face.

Short Answer: What's the worst thing that could happen to a short answer? Grammatical and/or spellig error.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Question: How'd that breast lift go?

As surgeries that make you look younger, this is a pretty good one, because when it gets all botched up you can sweater it.

How terrifying are those faces, man? The people who get facelifts until they look like greased mannequins in a panic?

Boobs are great. I would never deny someone the desire to restore their beauty if they felt it was necessary, but the knife seems a little extreme to me. I'd rather see a woman get a good push up bra, and a man who doesn't care that her breasts are saggier than they once were.

As for my breast lift, there was probably a bit of confusion here. I wasn't getting a breast lift, I was getting covered in naked ladies.

Short Answer: The rumours of my surgical demise are greatly exaggerated. Except for the ball tuck. That shit happened.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Question: Why pumpkins?

In bed? For making believable heads while you Alcatraz the shit outta there.
For Jack o' Lanterns? Because they're bigger than turnips, which jack o' lanterns were originally made out of
For pie? Because there's little use for pumpkin flesh other than mashing it into sugar.
For the color of my bedroom walls? So when I'm high on LSD I can pretend I sleep in a beautiful sunset.
For sexy alone time? You already made a face in it, and it's approximately head sized, and it's a little warm because of the candle, so...
Why sexy time with the eye hole and not the mouth hole, then? If I have to explain this...okay, okay, you know those jaggedy teeth, right?
For patches? Yea, that one's weird. Are their turnip and cabbage patches? As I wrote this I realized there totally are. I wonder what the criteria for patch is, other than field. You'd think potatoes would have patches because they have eyes. Or gangsters because they have worn out elbows on their suits. Or plantations of glitchy software. Or the potato eye joke again.

Short Answer: They're also a great thing to hollow out if you need to keep a bunch of abortions nearby. You know, for stem cell freezies or whatever. Hey, I wonder if anyone, as a Halloween prank, has ever taken a poop in someone's pumpkin? That'd be funny. Big brown, oozy face. Irretrievable candle. Ahhhhhh...think I need to switch out some isolinear chips.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Question: What do you think of this whole Rob Ford thing?

I don't give a shit.

That guy's hilarious. Like most politicians, I'm assuming he's terrible at his job. But I'm not concerned about his personal behaviour because it doesn't necessarily reflect on his professional behaviour.

Obviously if the guy was a full blown crack addict he'd probably be shite at mayoral duties. He's obviously not that, so what the fuck do I care what he does with his free time? Who am I to judge him for smoking crack or whatever he does with prostitutes and yelling?

The fact that these sorts of things are newsworthy baffles me. Don't get me wrong; report about the crack smoking mayor. Report away. But when it becomes a big phenomenon and everybody is out in their yards constructing shiny new soapboxes, I couldn't be less interested.

Yea, yea, your morality is very impressive, random shouty person who probably beats his/her spouse. Shut the fuck up and run for mayor yourself if you've got such a problem with it.

Oh and by the way, people aren't stupid. Nobody things Toronto is the city of crack and booze now just because the mayor is a tool. Get over that shit.

Short Answer: At least he's funny lookin', am I right? I'd rather have a Farley than a boring, slick little prig any day.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Question: I'm supposed to make a presentation for at-risk werewolves - any advice?

So much.

Werewolves are at-risk for an awful lot of things, so what I'll do is go by category, and give my number one piece of advice for each.

Ticks: Collar up, boys.
Rape: Werewolf rape is no joke. If there's any vampires in your town, keep your furry cootch locked up tight. Even if they get a tiny whiff, those vampires will find a way to rape you.
Exposure: This is a serious issue. Make sure you have a safe place to turn back to a person. We've lost so many just laying in the woods covered in deer blood.
Mono: Werewolves love to lick butts, and Wolf Mononucleosis is rampant in the Northwest. See your vet regularly and try to Know The Butt You Lick.
Teen Pregnancy: Nobody wants a cub that can't be taken care of properly. Especially if you were raped by a vampire and now it's one of those hybrid dealies. Just do it in the butt.
Ringworm: Again, see your vet, and get him to look at your anus. Just make sure your vet isn't also a werewolf. If he licks your butt, then the whole community gets ringworm.
Vampire Aids: I can't stress enough that if your pack lives anywhere near vampires, stay the fuck out of sight. They will impregnate you and give you vampire aids. And your weird hybrid vampire-wolf baby thing will also have vampire aids and possibly ringworm and definitely pink eye.
Mummy Smell: You laugh, but there are some kinky thropes out there, and nobody likes the smell of dead Egyptians. Not even live Egyptians. I mean, live Egyptians don't like the smell of dead Egyptians, not nobody likes the smell of live Egyptians. Jesus.

Now as for the presentation itself, I'd suggest first of all not being a mummy (or you'll get taken from behind through the bandages), not being a vampire, not being a hybrid, not being pregnant and not having ringworm and definitely not having pink eye. It would help a great deal if you were a vet or another werewolf, just not both. So try to be that.

Speak softly with minimal howling. You don't want to rattle the herd. And stay on point. A bored werewolf is an attacky werewolf. Am I right? The mummies know what I'm talkin' 'bout! Word!

Short Answer: Keep it simple, and leave your big silver belt buckle at home. Werewolves don't like tacky shit.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Question: I may or may not be able to influence Time. How can I know for sure?

I almost died of boredom reading the question, so you might be on to something.

No, but seriously, I can't answer this question because in my inbox it's dated 1997, before this blog ever existed.


On a side note, the fact that you capitalized the word 'time' definitely means you can influence time. It would never occur to me to ever capitalize it. It's not a thing to be personified or controlled, I might say.

Hey, if you can influence time, can you do me a wee favor? Can you give me back those boners I used to get when I was younger? You know the ones where you could hang a tweed jacket on the end of them and they'd still stay strong. These days, if a whisper of wind or a falling hair touches my erection, it's flop dick city.

Flop Dick City, Da-Na-Na!

Short Answer: If you could control time, you could make women so happy. 'Hey, what would you do for an eighteen year old's breasts, grandma?' That didn't sound right. Never mind.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Question: If you're here, then what's making the breathing sound in my closet?

You are probably dead by the time I read this question, and more than likely beyond any help I could give at this point.

I told you not to assume that it was always me. You fuck with the closet monster, you get the poison dong horns.

It was only ever me on date night, so I could watch you and your significant other disrobe and paw at each other with awkward, forced sexuality. If it wasn't date night, I'm sad to say, I was at home, or in someone else's closet.

It's not all about you, dead guy.

Short Answer: Sometimes breathing sounds is actually coming from you.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Question: Can...the...what for?

I'll assume you're asking:

Can the gorilla I'm holding down by the neck get up and give me what for?

Big time.

Or is it:

Can I telepathically send a question over the internet, and if so, what for would I do that? And what for use is grammar, any?

Here's the thing. I can answer all the questions, I can, but I don't know what's happening right now. I think we should all just back away, recede into our caves, and try this again tomorrow. Whattya say?

Short Answer: Best...the...what ever.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Question: I love the smell of my own poop...am I normal?

That better be normal. Because if it isn't, wow, just wow. I am one messed up dude.

For me it's more notable to not like the smell of you own poop. You know things are rough if you flee your own area.

Ever smelled somebody else's poop, and then been ashamed to admit you like it? Whenever I get busted enjoying someone else's brand, I always try to claim it's because it smells like a certain kind of food, like that's going to help.

"You getting that? What is it, almonds?"

Short Answer: Yummy.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Question: What do you think of the news that NASA is starting proof-of-concept testing of an Alcubierre warp bubble?

I think they stole my idea.

I used technology similar to this in a novel I wrote. I twisted the Alcubierre drive theory to have the ship create negative energy between massive plates (Casimir effect), making a massive bubble to help it 'dock' with the similar event horizon neg-energy of a wormhole, whereas the actual Alcubierre drive is more like opening space before you with projected waves (using contraction ahead and expansion behind), bending space around you with neg-energy, allowing you to ride through in a warp bubble.

It's cool because basically the region you've created around you moves, sort of defying the laws of how fast the ship itself could move. Brilliant.

Now that I think about it, I used a very aggressive form of this tech in another book, where the ships 'cut' through space and then seal the rift behind them.

They should be doing this. I've always thought the science was solid, and one of the frontrunners in terms of believable faster than light travel. At least for science fiction stories.

Short Answer: For this to work, you need 'exotic matter'. Don't we all.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Question: I had my ears pierced recently and my left ear smells like ass. What do you make of that?

First of all, I'd like to see how you're getting into a position to smell your own ear.

Second of all, I'd like to see how you're getting into a position to smell your own ass.

My tertiary desire is to see you quickly change between ear-smelling position to ass-smelling position as you confirm that, yes indeed, these things somehow smell similarly.

By the way, that's called sebum. It's just basically oil and dead skin collecting around your piercing. Best thing to do is remove the ear entirely.

Short Answer: Ear piercings are a pain in the everything. I took mine out years ago. Besides, nobody remembers the Faith video with George Michael anymore, so people weren't 'getting it'.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Question: You didn't do many Halloween posts this year? Why not?

Because nobody asked me Halloween questions. Which sucks because Halloween is awesome and people are total wieners.

When I grow up, I'm gonna decorate the crap out of my house. Putting a severed head on my apartment door doesn't seem quite the right sort of spirit, especially on account of the fact that we don't allow any kids in for trick or treating. I guess the fact that I put it up early and take it down late doesn't help either. I just think the Christmas wreath looks good with a bug-eyed, recently decapitated French aristocrat in the center. Call me old fashioned, I guess.

Halloween isn't what it used to be, but at least my wife is a hot slut who dresses like a cleavage witch.

Short Answer: I scared a guy today. Now I just need to poison the little children and I'll be done for another year. Oh, right, and put fake blood all over my penis before I whack it. Happy Halloween, fuckers!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Question: You make me feel so young?

Are you a little confused about how you're feeling? Are you not sure if I'm the one making you feel young, or are you not sure that you're feeling young at all?

Often, when I'm confused about feelings, or having trouble classifying certain stimuli, I go and sit on the toilet, just in case.

You'd be amazed how many accidents I've prevented this way.

If I do make you feel young, congratulations, you missed the point.

Short Answer: You make me feel like spring has sprung. So long as boobs.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Question: How do you get away with being such a dick?

Top Ten Reasons I Get Away With Being a Dick

10) I'm relatively harmless.
9) I'm adorable.
8) I'm funny.
7) Big penis.
6) Ability to use said penis to make lady parts go boom.
5) Ability to say something awesome after I make lady parts go boom, such as, "Boom goes the dick-o-mite" and "That's what I like to call FUCKED."
4) Your mom seems to like it.
3) I'm one of those highfalutin smart dicks, so you've got to come at me with some Harvard level game to take a piece.
2) I'm full of love.
1) I'm full of shit.

Short Answer: The right combination of full-of-lovedness and full-of-shitedness goes a long way.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Question: How do you make an award-winning grilled cheese?

Get someone who lived in a trailer at some point in their life to make it. They've had lots of practice.

See also: Best Kraft Dinner

Short Answer: Just like you do with a good vagina, to make it better: put meats in it!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Question: What advice do you have for America after its most recent stupidities?

I don't know, man.

Rape shower?

Eat a whole container of ice cream?

Not much left to do, is there?

It's sad. America has been the leader of the free world for long enough that I'm afraid when they go down, they're going to take everything down with them. It's not just the American people that will suffer, it will be everyone.

And somehow, the elected government doesn't seem to give a shit. It makes no sense. I get corruption and greed, I do, but to go this far? What happened to law? What happened to consequences for evil? What happened to being held responsible?

When government became so split, that people on one side would allow the American people to be ignorant or misinformed to help them win power, that's the moment things got out of hand. When that power is supposed to come from the people, but instead, the people are the victims of the lust for that power.

Short Answer: I think we just need all the old white fuckers to die off. Think we can hold on that long?

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Question: Why are desert and dessert so alike on paper?

Because they have mostly the same letters.

If you look closely, the only difference between the words is that 'dessert' not 'desert' has two 'S's. Whereas 'desert' not 'dessert' has only one 'S'.

The word 'dessert' therefore has one more 'S' than the word 'desert', and the word 'desert' has one less 'S' than the word 'dessert'.

This means that 'dessert' literally has double the 'S's contained within than the less ostentatious 'desert' which has half as man 'S's as the word 'dessert'.

You hate this yet?

Now you know how I feel after a diarrhea blow job!

Short Answer: All of this is true!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Question: Is the romanticized hobo who travels the country in an open rail car a thing of the past?

I sure hope so. That shit is messed up. Transport for sad rapists is something I never intended to fund with my tax dollars.

Where I'm from, they tore up the railway tracks when I was just a kid, replaced them with gravel so they could be used as trails. I used to walk them and bike on them all the time. Not quite the Ray Bradbury sort of nostalgia, but relevant nonetheless.

I remember thinking how fun it would be to take a ride on a train a few years back, with my wife. I pictured all kinds of awesome scenery going by out the window, while my wife's naked boobs were pressed up against said window. Turns out, a train ticket is super fucking expensive. Not cool.

Why does everyone have to come between my wife's boobs?

Okay, okay, calm down, hyenas. I meant between me and my wife's boobs. Everything costs too much money, and the idea of taking a nice train trip, whatever value that had left, has been turned into actual monetary value. Not cool, I say again.

Maybe it would be good for the rail riding hobo to come back. It might be just what all these hoity-toity fuckers need smack dab in the middle of their oh so tasteful train ride.

Body lice.

Short Answer: I think if hobos were also magicians, that'd be better. Then again, dead rabbit out of a hat might not work for the kiddies. Or half-eaten rabbit out of a hat. Or I sold the rabbit for smack out of a hat.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Question: What is the worst thing about superhero films?

Lack of nudity.

That's answer number one through at least seven. Let me see here...

I guess the fact that they're so often origin stories, which seem boring, and yet the further the sequels go, the worse the individual movies of superhero franchises get. So origin stories are the best bet, and yet they are predictable by definition.

I really like superhero movies, and therefore have a tendency to be more forgiving. There's not a whole lot I don't like about them, in terms of the necessary components of their makeup. And I like origin stories, so I guess that's not a problem either.

I'm starting to think answers eight through ten are also lack of nudity.

Remember in The Watchmen, when there was nudity? Yea, that was the shit. And Sin City? Fuck yea. And even The Spirit (which rivals Batman & Robin as one of the worst comic adaptations ever) had some Eva Mendes ass.

I've seen superhero movies and comic adaptations with lots of blood and beats, but it's rare to see a boob or three. That would be nice. A little Black Widow masturbation action, or some Gwen Stacy shower scenes. You get the idea.

Short Answer: Anyone else think of Total Recall when I said 'a boob or three'?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Question: "I'm gonna go ahead and..." and "I know, right?" why do people use these phrases?

As per usual, both of these phrases originated during coitus.

The first one's pretty obvious.

"I'm gonna go ahead and put this in your bum." The uttering of this statement was instantly made nefarious by the loud protestations of the second participant, and has been bally-hooed down the ages by any man or woman who's been poked in the rear without proper warm-up.

The fact that this statement is now used by stupid assholes who need to eat up more of your time than necessary is indicative of the sort of person who'll give you less than ample warning before sticking a dry dong into your inner pooper.

"I know, right?" comes from a very specific sexual situation. Having situated themselves for a 69 for the first time - by sheer luck and sense of adventure - a man raised his head and tapped his wife on the bottom. "This is pretty awesome," he said, thinking of how he was no longer solely focused on the task of giving pleasure. The woman, removing his member, replied, "I know, right?" The statement had some deeper connotations because for this particular woman, the act of face to penis had become somewhat bothersome, on account of growing weary of the day to day habits of the wang's owner. Now, he could leave his pantaloons wherever he wanted, so long as while she was sliming the pool, he was excavating the ruins. And after three and a half children, ruins was apt.

Now, the use of 'I know, right?' is used mostly for comedic purposes, as an amusing way to agree with someone, along the lines of, 'Fair enough', 'Apparently' and 'You don't say.'

Short Answer: "I'm gonna go ahead and create life now, if you're okay with that?"

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Question: How does it make you feel that I catch-up on your blog while pooping?

There's literally nothing about this that disgusts me. I love that you're using the most precious of personal moments, whilst feces are pouring and bubbling out of your pressurized mudcap, to read my ramblings.

There's almost nothing I wouldn't do on the toilet. Normally, I read. Sometimes, I'll takes notes for the upcoming day's work. And sometimes, I'll make phone calls. Yes, if you've ever talked to me on the phone, even a couple of times, you've probably done it while I was squeezing out a spicy meatball.

The fact that you're willing to combine one pleasurable experience with another also indicates that you have an adventurous side. And I mean true adventure, not that climbing a mountain crap. You're a two things at once type fellow/lady. You'll get the job done...and then some!

I imagine you can handle a couple of penises near your mouth with great precision. Don't be embarrassed, you know you can.

So read on, fellow multi-fecal-tasker, and let not the disgust of the regulars keep you from brushing your teeth while riding the black pony!

Short Answer: Or the green pony, depending on your diet.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Question: What movie should I watch this Halloween, and why?

Just over these last few months, after writing this blog for three years, I've been noticing some repeats. Makes sense, especially something like this question about horror movies at Halloween time. Doesn't mean I won't answer to the best of my ability, but what I am going to start to do is add links to other answers I've made in the past that could also help.


There's the link to the thirty horror movies at Halloween list I did a few years back.

Now, to the question. If I was to pick one movie that you should watch at Halloween it's a no-brainer. The answer is Halloween by John Carpenter. The movie is not only called Halloween, it actually feels like Halloween. It takes place in a suburban/rural area in the fall, with pumpkins and grey skies and everything.

And then people get fucking offed.

Short Answer: Here's the link to my 'best five in the last five' Horror movie list:


Note: I did a little research to answer the question as though the emphasis was on the 'this', so in other words, a recent Horror movie appropriate for 'this' year. What I found was a pound and a half of utter crap. Best I can do is the Evil Dead remake, which was pretty fucking solid.

Now, in hindsight, I realize the answer for the best horror movie to watch this year is The Exorcist, because it's the 40th anniversary of its release!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Question: What happened with the duck-billed platypus?

Nothing sexual, I swear.

We met one night at an Arby's and he was going to do this whole 'yard sale pub crawl' thing and I wasn't busy the next day. He picked me up in his dodge charger - way to impress a girl! - and we went 'garbaging'. I got a new spice grinder for two dollars and a old Harlan Ellison book, and he bought a lamp and some macramé.

And after it was just a friendly kiss, almost a hug, really, 'cause it's hard to hug a platypus with getting a bit of his lips on you, on account of the huge bill and all.

Speaking of a huge bill, he insisted that he pay for the motel room. What was I gonna do? He is a mammal after all.

Oh shit, yea, the motel room. It wasn't a big deal. He seemed like a genuinely sweet...thing, and I wasn't going to say no to oral, even if it did feel like a couple of two-by-fours grinding against my junk place. It kinda just felt like I was doing a brother a favor. I barely came.

Anyway, me might go out again.

Short Answer: Suck it, question.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Question: Kale. Overrated?

Fuck no.

Kale is a superfood. It has high levels of beta carotene, vitamin K (whatever the fuck that is), vitamin C, and calcium. It also has some anti-cancer goo and some anti-high cholesterol gack.

There's a traditional Irish dish called colcannon, that's eaten around Halloween, which is kale and mashed potatoes, and sausages. Look it up! The kiddies will love a spoonful of that in their pillow cases.

As for the concept of being overrated, fuck that. You know kale is good for you, all you have to do is taste it. It tastes super fucking green, right? I crave that shit sometimes, and I think it's my body telling me to stop inhaling pizza hamburger sandwiches for a minute and take care of my inside business.

So fucking eat kale!

Short Answer: Kale-arrghhh! (dies)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Question: Mr. October (Jackson) or Mr. October 1977 (Richard Burke Davis)?

Not often do I get a question where I have to go look up a name. I must say, I was surprised to find out that Richard Burke Davis of October 1977 is a nude model of some sort. Of the Playgirl sort. This was my first exposure to Playgirl, as I am so heterosexual, that if I ever see a picture of a naked man, it grows boobs.

Either that or I just assumed this meant the Playgirl model because I love the cock.

Anyway, though I fear alienating my gay fans, I have to go with Mr. October Reggie Jackson. A baseball player who got his nickname for being so clutch in the playoffs. Clutch, I like that word. Makes me think of grabbing onto something meaty.

Anyway, I like Reggie Jackson more because I think he has better lats.

Short Answer: I'm gay.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Question: The Octagon (UFC) or The Octagon (Norris)?

I'm gonna go with quantity over (questionable) quality on this one, and say that the UFC has given me a lot more entertainment over the years than The Octagon starring Carlos Ray Norris. But don't get me wrong Pretenders style; The Octagon has its moments.

There's the fight with Kyo, the Ninja that hisses a lot, which is slow and strange, and the Foley artists used the sounds of wood smacking together for swords. And then it sounds like the soundtrack has lasers all of a sudden. Then Chuck kicks his ass with karate - a ninja - even though he's constantly off balance. Then the ninja stands in front of fire to be jump-kicked into fire, and then when he comes out on fire, Chuck decides to cut him again. 'Cause fire doesn't kill ninjas. Just karate.

There's also a great sexy moment in The Octagon where a girl wipes the salt off the side of a margarita with her finger and puts it in her mouth. In real life, she would make a pucker face after this, or maybe even a fart face. Ah, movie magic.

Also, the bad guy in The Octagon is named cherry blossom.

The Octagon that holds the fighters of the UFC has less fire and shurikens, but the fights are considerably more realistic.

I loved the UFC since inception. I used to rent the tapes from my video store job and watch the shit out of them, back when there were no weight classes and you could totally use your white tiger kung-fu to punish somebody's exposed ball sack.

Short Answer: The Octagon (UFC)

Note: Does it bother anyone else that so often in these old ninja movies, they're using Samurai swords, like katanas and shit, instead of ninjitsu swords? Get a consultant, old movies.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Question: Otto Octavius or Gaius Octavius?

This is like a no contest.

Gaius Octavius, though his seed spawned the likes of Augustus, Caligula, Claudius and Nero, never really achieved the great heights of his progeny. He was basically a diplomat who died on his way to Rome, where he was to be voted in as consul. Maybe.

Otto Octavius, or Doctor Octopus, is one of the great comic book villains. Coming from a home with an abusive father, Otto turned his hatred of his father's behaviour into a passion for higher learning. Inspired by The Vitruvian Man, the great da Vinci sketch, Otto fashioned mechanical arms to help him with his atomic research. An explosion caused the arms and the harness to be fused onto his body.

I like Doc Ock's origin a lot because interwoven within the typical crap, is an interesting relationship with Mommy. She protects him as best she can from dad, but she also has some latent hatred for the sort of man her husband is. When Otto meets a woman, she's not good enough for Mommy. Otto eventually 'kills' his mother by getting angry at her for dating someone beneath her station - unforgivable and hypocritical behaviour to Otto - as she has a heart-attack during the exchange.

Alienated from parents and companionship, the accidental explosion rewires his brain, either due to latent mutant abilities or just the brian's coping mechanism in having to deal with extra limbs. He embraces his villainy with all arms, yet manages to retain his depth as a human being.

In the Sam Raimi movie, Otto is a brilliant portrayal of the classic villain. The sort who doesn't even know he's the villain, because his pursuit is noble. Though not always portrayed this way in comics, it solidified him for many as the wonderful character he is.

Short Answer: Otto Octavius.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Question: What should the holidays mean to people?

First and foremost, money for big business.

Then, an excuse to be a little nicer, 'cause normally people are fucking pricks.

Then, a reason to get drunk.

It also means family, and having to see them. Which for most is traumatic.

And often it means eating until you hate food.

This is what it means.

What should it mean?

I'm not sure I'm arrogant enough to hypothesize that it should mean anything other than what it already does. The idea of taking it too seriously contains the same pitfalls taking anything too seriously does. (Except for the Atari game Pitfall, which you do have to take very seriously, because the pitfalls are actual pitfalls.)

I'd like to think that people take advantage of the positives, but if I could chose one thing that it should mean, it would be that the holidays shouldn't be all that special for the good reasons. It should be an example of how you can feel, how thankful you can be, how well you can handle your parents, how nice you are to others. And it shouldn't be any different for the rest of the year. If people behaved like it was the holidays every day, maybe we wouldn't have horrible things like celebrity dance shows.

Short Answer: The holidays should mean less, but should set an example for better behaviour.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Question: Football or fütball?

I'm going to interpret this question as 'American Football or Soccer' not as 'one spelling of football versus another', just in case there were some varying interpretations.

I have a longstanding involvement with both football and soccer. I started playing the sport of soccer when I was eight years old, and played competitively in one form or another for most of my young life. I even went to Europe and played soccer there.

I started playing football when I was thirteen, and I played for only a few years. I had success in that sport as well, and I think I still hold a couple of yards per game and points scored per game records.

Soccer was the thing that I was best at. There are times when I wonder if it still is, and that I should have pursued it. Not that I would've been a great star, I never had the proper mentality, but there are lots of leagues in the world, and lots of ways to make a living. If it was the thing I was best at, maybe I should've pursued it for my career.

Football was a wonderful experience. The first time I realized I didn't have to kick the ball past someone to beat them, that I could just run around them, was a glorious moment. Football came easy to me, and I loved it.

The major difference in the sports for me was the way they were coached. I had soccer coaches of varying approaches and backgrounds and philosophies. Football is different. It's like the army, and your coaches are the drill sergeants. I had a football coach have to be held back by another once, because he was going to beat the shit out of me. The reason? I wouldn't tie my shoes up during warm up. I was fourteen, and he was over forty. Awesome.

Nowadays, I watch more soccer than football, and it is clearly my preference. It has always been my favorite sport, and probably always will be, despite how engaging both hockey and football can be. Soccer has an amazing, natural flow that you don't find in other sports. I love the strategies and the intensity of football, that's for sure, but I never settle into it the way I do with soccer. Football is strong coffee, whereas soccer is meaty stew on a cold, autumn day.

Food and drink analogies!

I just thought of something. If you read this, thinking of soccer as football, every time I say football in reference to American football, it probably confuses you.

Wow, this answer is pretty long. See, that's the problem with nostalgia sometimes, you start thinking about the good ol' days, and all those sports memories and before you know it, everyone in the room is asleep.


Short Answer: Football is the answer. Meaning soccer. Meaning fütball .

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Question: Who likes turkey?

The Native Americans. You know, when they sat down at a long, festive table with the Puritans, complete with beautifully crafted centerpieces and no mindless slaughter at all.

I wonder how many things we celebrate nowadays that we link to the past as incorrectly as Thanksgiving? It's kinda like if we celebrated Christmas because back in the middle ages, someone had crucified a jolly old man in a red suit and then gave his organs away to the crowd.

I love turkey. I eat it all the time, in ground up form. That doesn't keep me from enjoying a turkey dinner, though. That's something special. And I never gorge myself as close to involuntary purge as I do at the Thanksgiving table.

One of my favorite things is stuffing, or dressing as it's called where I'm from. The last few years, I've taken to making crazy stuffings, with all kinds of dark breads and tasty sausages. It's been fun. Plus, my friend brines the turkey that she makes. If you've never brined a turkey, you're fuckin' up.

You know who else likes turkey? Chickens. They get a day off from being murdered and gravied, and that's gotta be nice.

By the way, in case you didn't know, that whole thing about turkey making you sleepy is bullshit. It has an amino acid called tryptophan in it, that does make you a little sleepy, but there isn't any more in turkey than there is in chicken. It's found in all sorts of food, like milk and chocolate and other meats. The reason you get tired after turkey dinner is more because of the carbohydrates or the simple fact that you ate way too much, fatty.

Short Answer: The first story I remember writing was a tale of a turkey on Thanksgiving day. He was madly flipping through a calendar, to check the date, when the farmer came in with a gun and shot him. I was very, very young when I wrote that.