Monday, December 31, 2012

Question: Is timing everything?

(Pause)

No.

Short Answer: It matters in humour, but it's not everything. You can always fall back on poop jokes. And it matters in pulling out as a birth control method, but it's not everything. You can always fall back on a coat hanger.

Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Question: What are you up to for New Year's?

At eleven I'm going to get up and make cake bacon.

At twelve we have mandatory dwarf tossing - greased division.

At thirteen I'll just watch the ungreased division. No challenge.

Earlier I have to clean the vents because a spy peed in there trying to steal my NOC list.

In the beforenoon, more drugs.

Later I'll eat a bowl of confetti.

Later still I will make a festive coil and press it into a bunt cake pan.

Then, we'll wrap all the presents we got for Christmas and put them back under the tree, then throw out the tree with the presents and light them on fire, watching the flames flicker in the tears of the little children.

Then a nap.

Then we'll wake up having missed twelve o'clock, and we'll all go, 'Ahh, I missed it,' in unison, before an all night Dukes of Hazard marathon where we take a shot every time nostalgia isn't enough to counter utter boredom.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution is 1080p, baby.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Question: Do envelopes ever wake up?

Hmmmm.

Yea...

You have to go to the hospital now.

I can't find a single angle, here. If your envelopes are looking especially sleepy, it might be a diet thing. Are you only sending meat letters? Perhaps you should switch to non-gluten bill payments.

Wow. Trying to write this is like breathing between up and chuck during a wicked stomach flu.

Maybe your envelopes need to stop watching so many scary movies through that weird little plastic window.

Or don't keep your cocaine in them. Or your anthrax; I bet that keeps them up too.

Also, I'm sorry to say, your envelopes might be dead. Yea, that glue can be toxic.

Short Answer: Am I even awake right now?

Friday, December 28, 2012

Question: Has dyslexia been a problem for you?

No. Tourettes has been a problem for me.

I've never been dyslexic, unless you count the time I said Vagina, Saskatchewan in school. (If you don't get this see: Canadian Geography.)

Or the time I asked a girl for a kiss and she threw up on my face. That could have been a dyslexia issue.

Or every time I say the word poop. I've got a pretty good chance of spelling or saying that word wrong and never noticing.

I never had a learning disorder other than boredom and too much weed, so I was lucky. I feel bad for people who have dyslexia, more so than I feel bad for most other things. Having something inhibit your ability to learn and communicate is a fucking curse.

Short Answer: Has lesdyxia been a problem for you? (This is a double joke if you're a lonely heterosexual female/homosexual male.)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Question: What about love?

Do people mean to ask questions in song lyrics or do I just hear them in song lyrics?

What about it?

Does it exist? Yes
Is it just a chemical response to a particular series of stimuli? Probably.
Does that make a lick of difference? No.

I dislike arguments about where emotions and emotional connections come from. Just because you can explain how something works, like love, or dreams or desire to listen to Hall and Oates doesn't make it any less true to the person. It doesn't change the template through which one receives it. If it did, the world would be messed up. Oh, love is just a mechanical thing in my brain and not a warm, icky feeling in my heart? What a disappointment. I don't love anymore. And good riddance.

I don't know. Maybe I'm biased. I've always been a fan.

Short Answer: Love: the only thing that's dry and warm and sticky and wet all at the same time. Except abalone.

(Hah. Abalone sounds like child support payments when you have a cold.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Question: Can you devise a nefarious trap for Santa?

It's a little late for this year, but maybe next year.

I'll just go ahead and assume that the best way to catch a Santa is with cookies. He seems to eat a lot of them. In a way, Santa's typical Christmas behaviour is like every step of a trap except the trapping part. The approach, the sneakiness, the enclosed space, the bait. It's all there. You'd just have to add a net at any point and you've got him.

He is kind of vulnerable; most of us are when we're being kind.

Short Answer: What? Did I just drop some Boxing Day wisdom? (Drops box - exits.)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Question: Merry Christmas! (I know it's not a question, but doesn't the answer guy deserve a day off?) Oops, that IS a question...

I guess deserve is a pretty big word. I deserve love and pancakes, yes. Loyalty and respect, quite possibly. A few smelly hugs once in awhile, of course. But a day off?

Poop. Boobs. Bum. Fuck. Tits. Shithead.

That's called mailing it in. Or phoning it in. Or is it texting it in, now?

Short Answer: Thanks for the sentiment. Wait, was this question from Santa Claus? I just got a magical, tingly Christmas feeling. Have a good one, everybody, from my bath to yours!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Question: What are your top ten best Christmas-related foods?

Top Ten Christmas Related Foods

10) Gravy. Everyone likes turkey and mashed potatoes, they think. But what would it be without the salty, tasty, thickened juice of the dead?
9) Turtles. No, not actual turtles prepared Cannibal Holocaust style, I mean pecans and chocolate and caramel. I don't even know if these are a holiday thing, I just only eat them during the holidays.
8) Crappy chocolates. I'm not a big sweets guy, but I really like, once a year or so, digging into a box of crappy chocolates and spitting out the cherry one.
7) Ham. This is a new addition. I just made a ham with a pineapple and passion fruit glaze. It tasted like the satisfaction of drawn out revenge.
6) Cookies. My mom makes cookies at Christmas time. They're the best cookies. Everyone thinks their mom's cookies are the best, but I've tried them all and you people are wrong.
5) Pea Soup. Another family seasonal thing. My mom makes this too. Super thick, big chunks of ham. Salty as hell.
4) Pease Pudding. Guess I like peas. This one's weird. You put a bunch of split peas in a sack of cheese cloth and hang it from the lid of a pot of boiling something - often cabbage where I grew up - and it boils into something soft on the inside and dry and terrible on the outside. It's awful. I don't recommend it.
3) Cranberry sauce. Obviously an accompaniment, a condiment even, but the only time of the year I eat it is at the holidays. Even cranberry juice reminds me of Christmas.
2) Bacon wrapped scallops. If you've never experienced this you might as well jump out of a sleigh without a parachute 'cause you haven't lived.
1) Shrimp rings. What says holidays more than a circle of poorly thawed shrimp and that red sauce you use once and have to throw the rest out?

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes out to chili. I'm not a huge fan of the stuff, but I've been making it for friends at Christmas time for a lot of years. It got pretty intense, trying to find new and crazy ways to do it. The infamous Black Chili will go down in holiday lore.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Question: Can you rewrite the twelve days of Christmas song for a modern audience?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my shorty/babymama gave to me:

12 djs spinning dub step
11 auto tuned singles
10 fiscal cliff jumpers
9 urban youths crunking
8 prego pornos
7 global warming detractors
6 late term abortions
...
5 Missed Child Support Payments!!!!
...
4 nearly extinct birds
3 orders of Freedom Fries
2 billion outsourced jobs
and a ridiculous interpretation of the second amendment!

Short Answer: I guess I didn't really capture the spirit of Christmas on this one. I really do think this could be updated in a more positive and less funny way. (I was trying to get bible thumpers thumping in there but it just didn't match up with any of the traditional verses.)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Question: What kind of foods do you like to eat over the Holidays?

I like to stuff a handful of hot dogs into a whole loaf of Wonderbread. That's some gourmet shit.

Note: stuffing a handful of hot dogs into a whole loaf of Wonderbread may very well have been the theme of a big lady porn I watched last night.

I like all kinds of foods (and porn, apparently) so I don't have specifics. There are a few traditions, I suppose. My family does this wacky thing where we get together and eat a turkey for dinner. Like the whole thing. I know, right.

Then we promise not to be sarcastic for a whole year. I almost made it, this time.

At Christmas I eat everything. Fatty crap, greasy crap, soda pop, cookies, cookies, cookies. I even eat stuff I don't like, or I'll eat the crappier cookies when I run out of the good cookies.

Note: the good cookies made me think of porn as well

Short Answer: You know what's a filthy name for a porn? Grandma's Biscuits.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Question: In the future, will there be tattoo parlors for robots?

I've often said that if one thing is going to go the way of the dodo in the future it's parlors of any sort, be they mahjong, tattoo or other.

In the particular case of robots, it depends how far into the future you mean. At first, say the next fifty years, robots still won't have the capacity or the desire to tattoo themselves. Sure, they can be built and programmed to put ink onto their bodies, but it won't really be tattooing.

Then, in fifty to one hundred years, they will gain some organic components and due to their advanced intelligence and extra arms, they will be able to chose which flaming skull they want and apply it to their own flesh with little aid from us.

After one hundred years, sporting the baddest tattoos the world has ever seen, robots will enslave humanity and in an unseen reversal, will force humans to do all the tattooing. This will be the beginning of the end for the robots as their laziness will become rampant and they will eventually lose out to the human rebellion.

Soon after that, humans will be eradicated by Supercats.

Short Answer: Once a robot has the capacity to want a tattoo, we're boned.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Question: Besides Jello, what is there room for?

There's always room for:

More Chinese food.
A second blowjob.
A sexy roommate, preferably female.
A single testicle.
Another person on the bus.
One last ornament on the tree.
Jeff Buckley singing Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
Friends. (Awwwww.)
Greasy black dildos (Ewwwww.)
The world wide web (www.)
Jokes.

Short Answer: There's always room for your heart to grow in size, like the Grinch's. It's called cardiomegaly.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Question: Everyone likes funny t-shirts. Can you give some funny phrases to put on t-shirts?

"My other t-shirt has boobs in it."
"I'm not an asshole; it just seems that way because you're an idiot."
"Mr. Ed had a big dick."
"Creationism: Evolution for the Indoctrinated."
"How much wood would a woodchuck Jesus do?"
"Harpers Local 235: Strumming it Between our thighs since 1945."
"I fucking love censorship!"
"4 out of 5 pimps find it ain't easy."
"A six armed monkey fears no evil."
"If you took first year psych and first year philosophy...I don't care."
"My eyes are down there."
"If you think these are big, you should see my hemorrhoids."
"I like it thick."
"FBI - Fat Balls Inspector"
"God can make it rain sulfur."
"I've never been on a boat."
"I rape muses."
"Angels do it on memory foam."
"Carl Sagan ate my lunch."
"Irreverence is the best poli-dent."

Short Answer: I think I started to lose my shit toward the end, there.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Question: Why do people count sheep?

I assume to find out how many sheep there are.

It's supposed to help you sleep, 'cause it's repetitive and boring but engages your mind. That's a bunch of bull crap though. More complicated scenarios wear your mind down more quickly. Like butchering sheep and wearing their skulls as a series of gooey hats.

If that keeps you up, I don't have another suggestion. Sorry.

Short Answer: Shepherds count sheep because it's their job.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Question: Why aren't we allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore?

You are. Trust me.

This is all such bullshit. What are people thinking? When you say "Merry Christmas" to someone, you're coming from a place of positivity, happiness, peace, brotherhood, the whole shebang. You say it because you feel good and you want them to feel good, to share in this one short time of year when we're all allowed to be a little happier without fear of some one's politically correct bullshit stomping all over our fun. If you're the kind of person who's offended by the term, I honestly think you should hole up in a cave for the entire month of December. We don't want to see you. We're out here having a good time, loving each other, laughing with family, singing stupid songs and hating fucking consumerism with a prideful smile on our faces. If you're going to say, 'bah humbug' you have to come around at the end and realize that being a Grinch or a Scrooge is detrimental to your own and society's well-being. If you're too stupid to get that, you're beyond help and quite possibly functionality as a decent person.

And as for the religious argument, Christmas may be about Christ to some, and maybe it does leak a little bit of Christianity into your daily lives, but who gives a shit? You think a god exists that thinks the spirit of Christmas is a bad idea? If you genuinely believe that, then you need to practice a lot more introspection and not worry so much about being offended by people who are trying to be kind to their neighbour.

Short Answer: Say whatever you want. If your heart is in the right place, you shouldn't be worried. This is never so true as it is at Christmas time, when our hearts are more likely to be situated appropriately.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Question: The world is full of crazy things. What do you find mystifying?

Top Ten Most Mystifying Things in the World

10) When a turd you've previously flushed returns later, having swam upstream for one last breath of ass air.
9) People who interpret the bible their own way, then claim that it's uninterpretable.
8) How we, the citizens of the world, allow news to be fear driven entertainment rather than a vehicle to keep us informed.
7) People who are mystified by crop circles, bigfoot, glowing spheres etc.
6) Sarah Jessica Parker's maturation into a horse monster.
5) Anyone who's ever said the words, "The South will rise again."
4) Humanity's overwhelming belief that dick in vag and vag on vag porn is totally awesome, and that dick on dick is totally gross.
3) The existence of the clown.
2) Lambskin condoms. Time to leather up with a dead animal and then stick its flesh into your every orifice. (If I tried to fuck a girl with a marrow bone they'd be all up in arms about it.)
1) The concept that for some people the idea of 'progression' is somehow bad. Science, technology, evolution, learning about our environment, maturing, growing, making the world better, safer...to me, these concepts are irrefutable necessities. Yet we have 'conservatives'.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to the world's love of murder and suicide. Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Question: Would you wear a t-shirt with a picture of yourself on it?

Holy shit. This is amazing that someone asked me this because I have been wanting to wear a t-shirt with my own picture on it forever. The only reason I don't have a wardrobe full of them is because I'm that awesome combination of both exceptionally lazy and incredibly cheap.

But the answer is yes. A million times yes. It's funny, ironic, hip, stupid, egocentric, faux-egocentric, off-putting, impossible to explain and very, very tasteful.

Short Answer: Yes.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Question: How do you get her in the mood?

If by her you mean my wife, I like to use a nagging, unending campaign of violence and poorly wrought innuendo. There's no accounting for taste and she's a weirdo, so what can I say? I'd rather use rose petals and warm baths but she thinks roses are dumb and doesn't like cleanliness.

How people in general should get their girls in the mood is another story entirely. Touching boobs seems to work. It gets the correct message across in a hurry. Also pointing at the vagina, or at least staring at it. Hard not to get turned on with someone leering at your junk.

In general romantic stuff is for stupid people. Get right to the point. My wife, for example, to get me in the mood, will often ask if I'd like to plow her.

I would.

Short Answer: Lubricant.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Question: Been awhile since you did a poem. Question mark.

grains of salt
drain on resources
change to discourses
plans to outsource us

morals amorphous

morale eroded
life encoded
pockets bloated
enemies loaded

a drop in the well
of the political landscape
a tunnel to Hell
and all for God's sake

Short Answer: Forgot to do a short answer. This is from the future!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Question: Do Moose get it?


Moose penis from the rear? Yes
Hunting? No
Jokes about pluralization? No
Armor-All for Antlers? Yes
Alliteration? No
Archie Comics? No
Moose Entertainment Weekly? Yes
People AIDS? No
Penguin farts? Yes
Irreverence? Yes
Irrelevance? No
Woods feet? Yes
Bark ass? Yes
Ingrown toe nails? No
Bunions? No
Ingrown moose nails? Yes
Dressing on the side? No
Dressing to the side? Yes
Mark Messier? Yes
Occasional car beats? Yes

Short Answer: Moose pronounce it like shoes like cows pronounce everything.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Question: What are some brilliant things to shout before jumping from a plane?

Top Ten Brilliant Things to Shout before Jumping from a Plane

10) Here comes a piss bomb!
9) Geronibloop!
8) Think I'll no chute it. I'm gonna try to roll out.
7) See you on the ground. Well, not you.
6) I tied my chutes together to I can pull them at the same time.
5) Cannonball!
4) Thanks Tom Petty! (then boo yourself)
3) I think I just figured out who the killer was!
2) I'm gonna try up.
1) The Wright brothers would be so pissed right now. (Optional: emphasize the word 'right'.)

Short Answer: "See you in Hell" and "I think I left the stove on" are also fairly solid.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Question: What's the best way to tip a stripper? Also, do you have a stripper-story for us?

Here's a tip for a stripper:

Get a degree.

In all truth, I don't believe that. I think the way you choose to make money is your own business. I also think that if you've got a hot rack it's your duty and obligation to show it to as many people as possible to spread joy, peace and happiness throughout the universe.

These are not jokes.

As for whether or not I have a personal stripper story, I'm sorry to say that I do not. Despite all of my misogynistic humour and the amount of times I've played 'I put your car keys down my pants' with random women, I don't much care for strip clubs. I've only been twice in my life, and though I have a few fond memories (I'm talking about you brunette schoolgirl with the glasses) for the most part I find myself a little out of sorts in those places. I don't think uncomfortable is the right word; I think it might be a philosophical thing. I'm just not gonna pay for that stuff. Any of it. And if someone else will, I'm kinda taking their chair, you know?

And yes, I am being a dick to some degree. I get that it's fun to see naked women, and fun to have them fawn over you and grind up on your goodies.

I've just never had trouble getting that to happen without the funding. I think it's because of my coy smile and humongous balls.

Short Answer: The best stripper story I have involves a breakfast buffet. It was good. The end.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Question: Does bullshit walk?

Only if it's stuck to the bull's foot.

Or any foot, I guess, though I'd be hard pressed to assume that the shit on some one's foot wasn't their own.

I suppose there is a component of embarrassment associated with getting your own shit on your feet (though bulls probably don't care) but I'd think the circumstances leading up to getting another person's or animal's shit on your foot would be much more traumatic.

Like,

"Hey, did Mike shit on the floor?"
"What?"
Squish.

Short Answer: If it walks like bullshit and talks like bullshit, it's probably duckshit. Or something like that.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Question: Why are they called the 'Cardinal' directions?

There is literally nothing funny about Cardinals (as in Catholicism) or cardinals (as in birds). I mean nothing. The cardinal is not a funny bird, and in fact, was named after the other kind of Cardinal, who is not funny either.

The only thing even remotely funny about Cardinals is that because their Catholic priests, they probably had sex with boys. And I'm starting to think that having sex with boys isn't really funny at all. Turns out, the boys hate it.

Direction also isn't funny. "Where you going, Richard Pryor?" "West." "Ba-ha!" That never happened.

As for the actual answer to why cardinal directions are called cardinal directions, it's not funny either. No prat falls, no lampooning, hardly any chicanery and Cheech Marin is nowhere to be seen.

What to do?

Short Answer: Birds make white poops.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Question: What's the deal with airplane food?

I always liked it. Call me a jackass (Don't!), but I never got the feeling that I deserved a mid-air feeding, so I was always pleasantly surprised when it came. Didn't matter how it tasted - unexpected stuff in your mouth is good, right?

I remember being on a plane in Europe - somewhere between Scandinavia A and Scandinavia B - when I was offered a sandwich. I eagerly accepted. The sandwich was two pieces of forgettable bread smeared with butter and a slab of soft, white cheese in the middle. Whether that sounds good to you or not I was slightly appalled by the butter/cheese combo.

But, it was delightful. To the point that I still crave it once in a while, even from the ground.

Short Answer: If you don't like it, just don't eat it. Unless you need fodder for your eighties era stand-up routine.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Question: What is the fastest animal on the planet sexually speaking?

The Mosquito. Can make sweet love - orgasm included - in a couple of seconds. (Rabbits and rats also have some quick sex, so I guess depending on the amount of foreplay and lotion, either of these could be correct answers also.)

That was easy. As a bonus, here are a few other fun facts about the animal kingdom.

Flamingos have life long gay partners.
Blue whales ejaculate about eight gallons of gak.
Female porcupines masturbate with sticks.
Squirrel monkeys urinate in each other's faces during mating season.
Pigs have thirty minute orgasms.
Female lions have the most orgasms when in heat.
Flatworms 'penis fight'. Stabbed loser gets to be female.
Hyena ladies basically have a penis.
Dolphins have prehensile retractable penises.
Pandas get to watch panda porn.
Whiptail lizards do lesbian stuff, which prompts egg growth and then they clone themselves.
The Argentine Lake Duck has a penis the size of its whole body and can 'lasso' a mate.

Short Answer: The banana slug's penis is also the length of its body. If it picks the wrong sized mate, its penis gets stuck and the other slug will chew it off. How's that for a short answer?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Question: What is the literal translation of 'Shama lama ding dong'?

I think it means 'Shama lama penis'. Or possibly, 'Shama lama ding penis'.

I don't think you can 'literally translate' this because it isn't another language. It's made up singy talk, like 'shoop' and 'na-na-na'. It does make me think of a big, hairy barbarian with a long, stringy fuzzdick, though. That's probably what Otis Redding was going for. Originally, the song was probably called 'Barbarian alpaca high pitched noise penis', but the studio execs thought it was too 'graphic' and not accessible for 'whitey'.

And everybody likes ding dongs. Man. Ding dongs. I hope they never stop making those.

Short Answer: Hostess is what? Ah, shit.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Question: How difficult is a partial eclipse of the heart?

Not difficult. I'd put it on the same level as a semi-erect penis in an inappropriate situation, like at church or when your sister is in a bikini.

The thing about sort of having a crush on someone is that you can masturbate to them feverishly and not feel guilty about it. You can also probably talk to that person without getting tongue tied or having a raging case of the farts. It's fun to talk to someone who you imagined while masturbating; that's like a partial eclipse all on its own. A tiny joy, like sprinkles on top.

Just think, some time, everyone has been the masturbatory fantasy of someone else. Yes, even the fatties.

Short Answer: If you know me in person, I've thought about you. Wink.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Question: Assless chaps?

I've always found the term assless funny, because nothing can be assless except a human body, and an assless human body is some uninviting, gory shit. Am I the only one who pictures a carved up human bean when they hear this term? It's probably the tastiest part of a human too, besides maybe the heart, so in some logical way it makes sense to picture a person with their ass carved up.

As for the chaps, despite my recent attempts it turns out that I'm not and never was a cowboy. Disappointing, I know. I make the chili, I sing the guitar songs, but it just won't stick. Point being, I don't have any use for chaps, nor do I even know what the use of chaps is. But I'm guessing that any garment that is 'assless' is probably defeating the purpose of the garment itself. Like an assless tutu, or an assless radiation suit.

Plus, who wants to see a dudes ass? And why did I assume a dude was wearing these? All good questions geared towards my confused sexuality, but unanswerable by definition.

I think a girl in assless chaps would be pretty hot, but wouldn't it just be better for the chaps to be hipless, legless and beltless too? So the girl was naked?

I guess assless chaps are good when you want to show your ass to people, but you want that subtle touch. The subtlety that can only be provided by reams of leather.

Short Answer: Wait, aren't all chaps assless?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Question: How can I make grocery shopping more entertaining?

Easy.

Time to play:

Pimp Your Cart!

"I put this IPAD on the bar. Oh yeah, lists, bitches! Here we got some sideview mirrors, case any o' them hunnies are trying to grind up on you when you're trying to check them lists. Got the Bose speakers - cause those shorties at the sample cracker stand like to get crunk. We attached a swing arm gun mount, complete with the M240 machine gun for those motherfuckers trying to snatch up the last of the perogies. What? Underneath, the AT-2 swatter, surface-to-surface missile, for those pesky longass lineups at the cashier, fool. Here's your robotic mop arm. Cleanup on aisle gangsta! In the child seat flap, we hid this GPS, so's you can always find the freshest, dopest produce no matter where they be hidin' that shit. And of course, freehand painted, these bad racing stripes so everybody know to get out the way!"

Short Answer: I've never actually watched that show. I'm just assuming. Up in here.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Question: What can the lyrics "hold me like the river Jordan" possibly mean?

I don't know what to think.

Every time the topic of Michael Jackson is brought up, I get weirded out, confused about how to feel. On one hand, I want to believe he was a gentle soul that everybody loved who made the world a better place through his talent and creativity. On the other hand...possible kid fucker. Now I know there's no proof he did any wrong, and I really want to believe that he's as innocent as he seems. But so many people said he did do wrong. Maybe it's just the media coverage that clouded my judgement, or maybe where there's smoke there's always a little fire. Or I guess, under aged fire. And on this particular topic, even a little fire is way, way too much.

As a self-proclaimed humorist, there is a goldmine of hilarity to be prospected on the Michael Jackson front, I've just never been a big fan of making fun of him. If he was innocent of all those accusations, then he was one of the best dudes on the planet ever. Besides that, I don't particularly find the ways that people make fun of him very funny. Like the whole turning white stuff. Poor fucker had vitiligo, a disease that robs you of your skin pigment. I have some personal experience on this front and it's a trial, let me tell you. (Don't get me wrong; I'm not against making fun of him or anyone. Everybody deserves a taste, even pasty lookin' fuckers.)

Anyway, that river Jordan thing is in a Michael Jackson song called Will You be There. A lot of people find the song very inspirational and important. The Jordan was believed to be the place where John the Baptist baptised Jesus, so there's some religious connotation here and probably means 'hold me like you held Jesus' or something.

Insert own 'holding something' pedophilia joke.

Short Answer: When that super gentle soul who does Elmo got in trouble, I was like, dammit. These men who are still like little kids, all innocent and good with children...maybe there's something wrong with them inside that makes them that way. And makes them take it too far. If that pattern was established, it would be hard not to feel that Michael was guilty. (Note: Jesus Juice is funny.)