Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Question: Can you give us a list of Horror movies that have creepy kids?

Yes.

I can.

(I assume spoilers are assumed, but I want to double check. There are more than a few in this list. For one of the movies, the twist in the end is that kids were doing it. No bigger spoiler than that. You've been warned.)

Top 25 Horror Movies with Creepy Kids

25) Salem's Lot - Just for that one scene, with the kid scratching at the window.
24) Village of the Damned - Children walking in formation, bad, mind control, creepy white hair.
23) The Bad Seed - Pretty self-explanatory.
22) Alice, Sweet Alice - Who is doing the killing? Couldn't be Alice, could it?
21) Let the Right One In - I personally didn't find the kid in this scary at all, but it deserves to be included.
20) Halloween - For the beginning; it's the reason he comes back, after all.
19) Carrie - Maybe Firestarter here instead? No. Drew Barrymore = adorable. Sissy Spacek, though a little old looking for this list, is freaky looking.
18) Child's Play - Technically, a doll isn't a child. Why is this on the list? Cause being stalked by a toddler sized doll is basically like being stalked by a toddler.
17) Dawn of the Dead (remake) - Zombie little girl and zombie baby.
16) Near Dark - Homer's technically an old man in a kid's body. I claimed to my wife that the reason I wasn't going to include Orphan was becuase of the same thing. I lied. Orphan just sucks. Near Dark is the tits.
15) Pet Sematary - You knew it would be here. Good ol' Gabe. Razor blade to the Achilles for the win.
14) The Orphanage - Another self-explanatory one. Potato sack face is the scariest.
13) Ju-On: The Grudge - Little boy with black eyes makes cat noise. Check.
12) Eden Lake - When kids fuck with you, how far can you go? And if you go too far, what's to stop them from fucking your shit up permanently?
11) The Last Exorcism - Of all the skinny little girl contortions into odd shapes exorcism movies, this one did it for me the most.
10) The Others - More spoilers. The kids are in fact haunting the house, making the atmosphere of this movie translate to a very impressive and heartfelt twist. Things that are heartfelt scare me.
9) Sleepaway Camp - Holy shit, the ending of this movie still scares the shit out of me. You've been warned.
8) The Shining - Little girls.
7) The Children - Children go nuts, kill adults. Lots of bloody beats.
6) The Brood - Like above, but Cronenberg insanity to boot.
5) The Ring - Fuck this movie. Even writing the title freaks me out.
4) Children of the Corn - One of my favorite opening scenes in Horror movie history, a great theme with the children singing, and Isaac. Oh, Isaac. I'm pretty sure he was cast Orphan style; as in, he's actually a forty-three year old man.
3) Them (Ils) - This is the big spoiler. Couple are terrorized by assailants all night, bad things occur. At the end, kids come out of the woods and get on the school bus. Just fun and games for them. Boom.
2) The Exorcist - I'm not sure that 'let Jesus fuck you' is good advice at all. I'm not sure we should be taking that kind of guidance from a little girl.
1) The Omen - "It's all for you, Damien."

Short Answer: I feel the need to mention Michael Haneke, he of Funny Games and Benny's Video fame. I suppose they aren't really Horror movies, but man do kids do messed up shit in them. Also, Rosemary's Baby - technically the baby is barely in the movie. But you know who he is, right?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Question: Devil's night. Any traditions?

My friends and I used to make a themed mixed tape (meaning they did, I deserve little to no credit) with quotes from Horror movies and corresponding songs. Then we'd go to a graveyard and listen to said tape until we got kicked out.

I think we did it to try and absorb some of that long sought after Halloween atmosphere that tends to escape you as you grow older. The graveyard thing is pointless, now. With the acceptance of the darker side of things into the main stream, dead bodies don't hold as much mystique as they once did. Likely to find as much Halloween atmosphere at a Walgreen's these days.

If I remember correctly, for a short time, we used to try and do a movie marathon on Devil's Night, but growing up messed with that, too. I'm still able to have my marathon, but first, the horror of scheduling conflicts must be banished to the abyss!

I guess some people like to raise a little non-ironic hell on Devil's night, but I think that's dumb. I mean go ahead and raise your hell if it doesn't affect anyone; just don't be a dick. I'm a big fan of people not being a dick. Of course, I get scared when I hear fireworks go off, so I might not be the best gauge for what's going on in the streets.

This year on Devil's Night, I'll probably play boardgames. Satan!

Short Answer: Blorp! (I just wrote this to see if the spellcheck was working, then realized I had nothing better to add.)

Monday, October 29, 2012

Question: If you are nowhere near sand when shit goes down, where and how do you draw the line?

If you're not drawing a line with blood, piss, semen or poops, you're fucking up. Entrails will also suffice, but by that point, you've already stepped over the line, wouldn't you say?

Even in sand I prefer bodily fluids for line drawing over just sticking my toe in there. A good piss line really makes a statement and it's much harder for someone to just scuff it out.

I like to rub hair into my piss lines, though in the sand that's a little unnecessary. I also find that if you make a chalk line on pavement, and then bleed on it, you might get a nice pink paste that is quite appealing to the eye.

Hard to take a dump in a line, and nobody wants to have to smear it around with their hands; that's gross. If you want to make a shit line, make sure you bring gloves or a shovel or an old cane. Preferably the type that has a sword in it so you can kill some fuckers once they cross the fecal boundary you've so recently established.

Short Answer: Horror movies influence Ask Keith Anything's answers.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Question: #AnnCoulter Willful idiot, puppet, or bad-press mastermind?

I've come around the horn on Coulter. At first, she came across to me as a loud, retarded stillbirth carried to term and then shocked to life with some sort of witchery. She brayed nonsensical, ridiculous philosophy for attention, laughed in the face of logic and facts, and accused everyone and their dogs of being moronic.

She still does all that stuff, but now I find her kind of funny. I think there's a possibility that she's a bit of a super genius. I've been getting the impression that not only does she realize just how controversial she is, she knows it gets her press. I think she's masterminded a whole career out of going further than most right-wingers will dare to go. When you take a step back and look at the political/pundit landscape, it's all a big ridiculous poop. So someone slicing off their very own piece of the shit pie with a little bit of crazy doesn't seem all that abnormal.

Plus, Bill Maher seems to get along with her. If she was really as nuts as she appeared to be, I doubt that would be possible. He's a pretty smart cookie.

I wish she was a puppet, though. Like an actual puppet. That'd be delightful.

Short Answer: Don't get me wrong. I don't think I could be in a room with this woman for a minute. The condescension alone would give me herpes.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Question: What's a better Halloween costume - Nick Nolte or Gary Busey?

This one's so easy I might yarf.

Baggy pants, ugly printed graphic shirt (Hawaiian, perhaps) crazy ass messed up hair and tons of laugh lines = either one.

It would be fun to not say, and then correct people when they guess one or the other.

Despite how simple either costume is to pull off and the merits of dressing as something interpretable, the better costume - if I must choose - is Busey. That cat has been tugging at the thin line of total insanity for some time now, whereas Nick Nolte, despite his hilarious mugshot, just did the movie Warrior where he tossed in a mega performance. I don't think train wreck Busey is capable anymore. Maybe he's still capable of being a coherent whack job on screen, but not an actual character. The days of Point Break are long behind him.

Short Answer: You should go as sexy Garey Busey, with smeared lipstick and your Hawaiian shirt tied up in front so it looks like you have the boobs.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Question: How hot is it?

It's so hot that my balls are sticking to the roof of my mouth.

It's so hot that the girl who always has camel toe has invented something entirely new and different: sweaty camel toe.

It's so hot that my anger boils over at room temperature.

It's so hot that Marilyn Monroe wouldn't let it fuck her.

It's so hot white people are complaining.

It's so hot that my body has created a few new 'pits' other than arm and back of the knee.

It's so hot that the invention of coffee seems like a horrible nightmare.

It's so hot that pants are a luxury.

It's so hot that I'm doing inventory on what cold thing in my house will fit in my bum.

It's so hot that the idea of sex makes me want to punch-vomit.

Short Answer: It's Autumn where I am right now, just so we're clear. Hmmm, maybe this question had nothing to do with temperature. Fucked that up, then.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Question: What music do you like making whoopie to?

Top Forty Songs to Listen to While Having Sex Like You're in the Fifties (apparently)

40) Cherish - Madonna
39) Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
38) The Universal - Blur
37) Too Funky - George Michael
36) Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
35) Sara - Jefferson Starship
34) Say It Isn't So - Hall & Oates
33) Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac
32) Volare - Dean Martin
31) I Touch Myself - The DiVinyls
30) Cemetary Gates - Pantera
29) Dyer Maker - Led Zeppelin
28) Them Bones - Alice in Chains
27) Stephanie Says - The Velvet Underground
26) The Grace - Neverending White Lights
25) Patricia the Stripper - Chris De Burgh
24) Love Bites - Def Leppard
23) Push It - Salt 'n' Pepa
22) Come Together - The Beatles
21) Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson
20) Death and the Maiden (String Quartet #14) - Franz Schubert
19) Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) - Phil Collins (for crying sex)
18) Firewoman - The Cult
17) Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue
16) Everyday - Buddy Holly
15) After All - Peter Cetera (for make up sex)
14) Closer - Nine Inch Nails (for angry sex)
13) Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
12) Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
11) The Scientist - Coldplay
10) Take My Breath Away - Berlin
9) Sea of Love - The Honeydrippers
8) Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
7) One - U2
6) I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders
5) Sharing the Night Together - Dr. Hook
4) Babe - Styx
3) Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
2) Alone - Heart
1) Cream - Prince

Short Answer: Prince is my go to for this kind of stuff, though in all honesty, I don't listen to music while doing the sex very often. Too lazy. Too impotent. Impatient! I meant impatient. That's the reason, not the other thing. Dammit.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Question: Philosophically speaking, are you real?

As real as a purveyor of rap type songs, homes.

I don't go in for all this 'we are what we think or are we' crap. Philosophy is only interesting to me through the template of being a creature that thinks in a flawed manner about its actual surroundings. To me, trying to alter that perspective, our true one, makes things so flawed that it's like swimming in the middle of the ocean. Good luck finding land before you piss yourself and die.

Meditating on the possibility that we aren't here in the form we think we are is a good way to accomplish nothing. Might as well jerk off a dead horse, or form your answers to questions so you can keep using explicit metaphors.

Trying to imagine you're not real is like standing in a batting cage and letting the machine whip lightly frozen camel turds that you connect solidly with so that they spray chunks into your face.

Worrying about this kind of question is like going to the escapades on mushrooms and having your wife tell you she's pregnant halfway through, and then one of the characters in the show is a fetus.

Questioning whether or not you're real is like finding out that your dorm room is the only one in the all girls building, but your door has a permanent notarized sign this says 'Incapable of sustained erection'.

You get the idea.

Getting the idea is like baking a leprechaun into a pie and having him pop out, all black and decrepit, to tell you that if you want his gold it'll cost your soul.

Short Answer: I'm real and I can prove it. One time I sneezed while I was trying to fart and I understood the entirety of the universe, if ever so briefly. Weirdest thing. Howie Mandel isn't real. Yep, just a collective hallucination.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Question: Can you do a Top Nine list instead?

Top Ten Reasons I Can't Do a Top Nine List Instead

10) The smiley face I drew on your mom's bush to make her look like Gene Shalit.
9) That time I fucked all the donuts you brought to work before coffee break.
8) The day after you joked about me pissing in your coffee when I pissed in your coffee.
7) At elevenses I had a go at the remaining donuts.
6) You park your car like a person without inner ears.
5) Your taste in music is the metaphorical equivalent of a pickle dipped in dog snot.
4) You wear nursing shoes but you don't care about people or for them.
3) That time I saw you try to catch a fly with the backs of your hands.
2) You don't giggle when horses poop.
1) I don't take requests from people that I play skullcock with.

Short Answer: Lots of love!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Question: Do you ever get a case of the Mondays?

No.

For almost my entire life (even during the last few years of school) I've managed to avoid the precipice that is Monday morning. It was like an instinct, a reaction to societal norms. When I worked part time jobs, I would never work Mondays. I rarely make plans for Mondays. I think the idea that it signifies negativity in people's lives is a poopy one.

Now if you're asking if sometimes I get sad because I've got a lot of shit to do, or I'm at the beginning of what seems like a never ending task or series of tasks, then yea. I'm a human bean. I get that feeling. I find cocaine helps a great deal.

The problem with a concept like this is that it doesn't help the proceedings. In fact, I believe it hurts. Oh, you're feeling down? Well, suck it up! Everyone is feeling down and it's nothing you have any control over. It's because of what we call this day! Fuck that. How 'bout treating it like any other time you're not doing alright. Acknowledge it, understand that it will go away, and then the coke thing.

Look, we all have bad days. But we don't need to smear shit on them.

Short Answer: Monday is a day like any other. Full of possibilities and wonder. Feel free to dose heavy with porn. Asian riot sex in the morning is a great way to jump-shark over the Mondays.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Question: What would you name your boy band?

Top Ten Names for My Boy Band

10) InDcentC
9) The Altarboys
8) Cashgrab
7) Smells like Tween Spirit
6) Fans We Can't Fuck (or FWCF)
5) Turbo Lepers
4) The Blockstreet Backboys
3) An Amount of CoolSounding Degrees (or AAOCSD)
2) Faceplant
1) I'm The Talented One (or Itto)

Short Answer: Box step, jazz hands, reverse box step, Carey Grant, Carey Grant, Kermit the Frog and pose! (Honorable Mention: Not All Of Us Are Gay. That's right. NAOUAG! I may have just summoned Cthulu.)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Question: What movie should they make into an attraction at Universal Studios?

How about the one where my wife doesn't throw up on our honeymoon?

Alright, so I guess that there are rights issues to what can be made at Universal Studios but I'm not going to bother to look that up. I'll just assume that every movie I pick is appropriate and legal and made by Universal Studios. Agreed?

I didn't hear any complaints, so, just like sex with a sleeping woman, let's get in and out quick on this one.

I'd like to see a Hellraiser ride. I don't know what the ride itself would be, I'd just love to see that theme brought to the masses. Riding through hell with all the squirming dead bodies and cenobites and shit. That'd be a good time.

How about a ride based on Titanic? That'd be fun. They can put you on a bed with your significant other and slowly fill the room with water. Or make you freeze your ass off in the cold while your fat, inconsiderate wife hugs all the floating door.

Edward Scissorhands? I guess any Tim Burton movie would make for a great ride. Beetlejuice ride, anyone? Again, who cares what the ride is. Just fun to look at.

It'd be cool if they had a Green Lantern ride where it was just you and whoever was responsible for ruining that piece of crap and you could berate him or throw provided feces. Possibly human, probably not.

How about a ride based on the works of Andrey Tarkovsky? The first forty-five minutes you'd just sit there being bored, wishing you didn't know anything about philosophy so you could at least get a little enjoyment from the meandering dialogue, then near the end something badass happens that makes you feel like a shit for criticising the ride and when it's all over you come out the other side thinking it was all really pretty.

Okay, I'm done.

Short Answer: Westworld ride anyone? That couldn't possibly go wrong.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Question: When things go bump in the night, what's going on?

For me, it's the people next door having sex. They do it at strange, uncomfortable hours, and based on her porn/anime chick style screeching, they do it in strange, uncomfortable positions. (And quite possibly strange, uncomfortable places, if you know what I'm saying.)

Note: If you have to ask if people know what you're saying, you're probably saying it wrong.

I meant up her butt.

Sometimes when things go bump in the night, it means the ghosts are having sex in strange, uncomfortable places. When you're a ghost, you don't need lube and you have less hang-ups, so experimentation is not only common, it's recommended. Might as well give it to her; you won't have to clean up as much ectoplasm as you think. That shit dries and disappears like somebody hit it with an otherworldly shamwow.

On occasion, a bump in the night means there's a malevolent entity nearby that wants to either make your life hell for its own amusement, or tear your soul up and eat it for sustenance.

So...

Short Answer: It's probably the neigbours. Cross your fingers.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Question: What are the scariest phrases manifested by a bleeding wall?

"I call this color Mafuscia."
"Don't be scared. It happens once a month."
"The asbestos gave me a house ulcer."
"This is the blood of one entire rat infestation."
"That guy touched me weird when he checked the meter."
"Unghhh! Sorry, gotta squeeze this one out."
"I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound. No need to make a house call."
"Boo and junk."
"Smoke on the water! Dun-dun-dun, Dun-dun-Da-nun!"
"I've always hated these drapes."
"Now we can be together."
"I do ice cream on every second Wednesday."
"Built in 1972, this house is one bad mother - shut your house mouth!"
"I know this isn't all that frightening but I figure the cleanup alone should entice you to move."

Short Answer: Quantity over quality? Sometimes!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Question: Why is my landlord such a dick?

I think it might be the same syndrome that some cops have, where you abuse the small amount of power your position gives you because of some sense of powerlessness in the rest of your life. I find most landlords and ladies don't treat their job the way you'd expect. In my mind, they're problem solvers and managers of your living conditions. Sometimes, they act more like step-parents, dodging responsibility because they don't really love you.

One of my least favorite behaviours, one that I've encountered on numerous occasions, is their instinct to shirk all responsibility, for with responsibility comes work. And I get it, nobody wants to do work. But hey, it's your job, so suck it up. A really extreme example of this responsibility dodging comes in the form of accusation. For example, you state a problem. "I have cockroaches." They answer: "You must have brought them in from somewhere else." This is an actual exchange I had with a landlord once. Like I was gonna take responsibility and deal with it/pay for it myself? Is that what he expected? Fuck no. Get the bugs out of my apartment, ass!

When someone has a problem or a complaint, they want it validated. They don't want to be made feel like they're bothering someone or blowing things out of proportion. Sadly, it's not uncommon in our society to have people in positions that they are not well-equipped naturally or trained properly to carry out with effectiveness. People take jobs, suck at them, and make others unhappy. That's why your landlord is such a dick.

Short Answer: Maybe he just needs a little love. Try hot dogs and dance lessons, and try not to think of either of those things as euphemisms for eventual gay sex.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Question: Why don't pants have three legs?

The evolution of pants coincided with the evolution of man junk. I don't know about youse guys, but I'm not ashamed to say that my bundle fits just fine in regular old two-leggers.

Wait. Is this question from another planet? Do you, alien inquirer, have three legged pants on your planet? And if so, is the third leg used, as I automatically assumed, to hold your dickbag? And what of the women? Do they have extremely large, droopy girlbits that necessitate a pant sleeve between the legs?

You can get back to me on that. Shit, for all I know, you're from a planet wear pants are a species and you mean they have actual legs. And probably feet.

Imagine that. Pants with little denim feet. Huh.

Short Answer: No sleep for Keith!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Question: My reflection has begun moving independent of my actions, any advice?

Look, man. Everyone loves LSD, it's just not appropriate to do it all the time. I know, I know, it's a kick to watch your hand hand it up, or look at your face do all kinds of clay-crazy shifting in the mirror, but you've got to get ahold of yourself. Try the other side; get high on life and shit.

You ever had anyone say that to you? I have. It's the worst. Don't get me wrong, I haven't done any drugs since I was a teenager. (Does sniffing glue count? No? Good. That's what I thought.) But in my youth I was at a party and a girl told me she didn't need drugs 'cause she was high on life. I thought it was some sort of trick to play on stoned people, on account of how confused as shit I was. It's fine if you are 'high on life' it just doesn't make any sense to use that as a badge when around people who are 'high on getting fucked up'. It's like saying you agree to disagree at a heated debate. It makes no sense. Smells more like backtracking or posturing than actual philosophy.

I'd like to say that I couldn't really judge that girl who said she was high on life. But I can't say that. Because she was in charge of ordering the pizza that night, and due to the fact that she didn't know what people wanted, she just ordered a bunch of cheese pizzas. Maybe when you're high on life, that's sufficient, but when you're high on virtually anything else, you want some toppings, bitch.

Oh, yea. If you don't do drugs, that whole mirror thing means you're being haunted. Probably by the Devil. (The capital D makes it scarier.)

Short Answer: Have fun making potty!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Questions: What happens when you're not in the mood to write a blog post?

Many things can occur. First, I pee with less aim. Then, I mix cereals and over sog them with milk. Next, I look at boobs on the internet until my philosophy on reproduction shifts. Sometimes I'll sit real close to the monitor until my eyes hurt, then play again to see if I can beat my time. Finally, before getting down to work, I tell myself a bunch of horrible stuff that I don't have to deal with. Nothing motivates a white man to do his stupid, humour blog like out of hand, purposeless genocide.

Then I suck it up and get to the funny.

Short Answer: Humour's difficult. Mood plays a role but it doesn't have to stomp on any funny guts.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Question: Which one of your Facebook friends do you hate the most?

NotaFanofAskKeithAnything is probably my least favorite, and least ironic or inventive Facebook friend. I mean, I get it. You don't like my blog. But to know that I'm such a sucker for support that you could call yourself that and I'd still accept your friend request, I mean, that's just cruel, man.

Also, I think it might be my Mom.

Short Answer: I'm sorry for lying. I know it's my Mom.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Question: What's the shortest answer you could give?

I suppose...

Go fuck yourself?

Short Answer: That's pretty fuckin' short. Wait, wait. Go fuck yourself, leprechaun. That's even shorter. Oh, what? I fucked it up? Yep, you're right.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Question: Do you have a catchphrase?

I'm not a cartoon or a loveable doofus in an oldey style sitcom, so no, I do not have a catchphrase.

If I had one, it would probably be one of the many swear words I use on a daily basis.
Fuck, shit, poop, cock, tits...you know, that sort of stuff. I often combine the swear words (like fucktits) but I try to be original, so I don't think I do one enough to be called a catchphrase.

I guess the closest I come is when someone says something to me that's a logical conclusion to something, or I think it doesn't need to be said, or I'm just bored, I say, "apparently".

Example: Some Jerk: So, I guess I am going to boot camp. Me: Apparently.

Short Answer: Poopcock.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Question: What did Jack and Jill really do at the top of that hill?

I'm glad someone finally asked. 'Cause no one's gone up a hill to 'fetch a pail of water' since never.

Top Ten Euphemisms for What Jack and Jill Were Really Up To

10) They got 9 and 60 blackbirds baked in a pie.
9) Checked to see how much wool her bah-bah black sheep had.
8) Climbed the beanstalk until a giant appeared.
7) Someone laid a golden egg, and someone else fertilized it.
6) A little humpty...maybe a little dumpty.
5) Little Jack Horner ate his Christmas pie.
4) Little red riding whore.
3) London bridge reverse cowgirl.
2) Tuffet, then muffet, then back to tuffet.
1) 'Fiddlers Three', 'Run Away With the Spoon', and 'Twinkle the Little Star' in rapid succession.


Short Answer: Seriously. Who puts a well on a hill? That doesn't make any sense. Doesn't that put the water even further away? They were definitely touching each other.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Question: High chairs or low-information voters?

Sex: high chairs
Elections that matter: high chairs
Someone to help me carry my groceries: low-information voters
Someone to help look after my kid: high chairs
Financial advise: high chairs
Trustworthiness: high chairs
Low-information voter debates: high chairs (and bibs)
Supreme court: high chairs
Kings of old: high chairs
Dumbasses of now: low-information voters
Immune to lying: tie

Short Answer: I'm sure most of these people would rather dangle their feet than take a second to learn something. Then again, so would I.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Question: You see a pretty girl...what do you do with her (sex-style)?

Top Ten Things I Like To Do With the Ladies

10) Make their make-up run with my ball sweat.
9) Play smashpuss till their stuff swells up like they've had an allergic reaction to my wang.
8) Gravy boat rides.
7) Bj, pizza, sex, soccer on tv, pizza.
6) Striptease while I poop.
5) Sellecking (they have to wear a fake mustache and look me in the eyes during missionary.)
4) Doggystyle, one leg up, pointing, other hand behind head, heavy sobbing.
3) Smack the pickle, forehead edition.
2) Draw a frowny face on the bum and turn that frown upside down.
1) Long ball in the back door.

Short Answer: Grody.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Question: What advice do you have for Val Kilmer?

How about, stay the course, keep up the good work, continue kicking ass.

I don't know why anyone has a problem with Val Kilmer. He's fucking awesome. There are rumours that he's difficult on set, but I don't give a shit about that. I think celebrity is tricky, and when you are used to people behaving strangely around you, it can effect how you behave because it changes your expectations of normal behaviour. So I cut crazy stars some slack on that front. If someone keeps asking you exactly what you want, eventually, you're going to cave and tell them. Then, after awhile, you get accustomed to that bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones removed and one day you walk into your trailer after a long shoot and see a brown M&M and you're like, "What the fuck?" Makes sense to me. All of us have habits that are so ingrained that we feel very uncomfortable when things go awry. For them, the habits are a little more heightened and their job is to bring heightened emotional states on command. You can see the recipe for a bitch fest or two.

A great example was the Christian Bale yelling at the guy on set. I don't blame him a single bit. I've done a little acting, and sometimes it's very difficult to find the character. If someone does something that distracts you, it can suck, especially if you get the feeling that they are either unaware of - or don't care - how hard what you're doing is. Besides, most of these people are real human beings. We gave Christian Bale a ton of shit, but he went and apologized to that guy, and then apologized publicly in a sincere way, setting an example for people. Humans are total dicks to each other every day without any responsibility shown. So I think we should all get off our high horses and soapboxes and chill the eff out.

Speaking of soapboxes...geez, what's with Ask Keith Anything today? Got an opinion do you?

I like Val Kilmer a lot.

Short Answer: Willow, Macgruber, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Tombstone, Real Genius, Top Secret, Spartan, Wonderland, The Salton Sea, Heat, The Doors and Top Gun. Fucking boom!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Question: Is 'no woman no cry' about a lonely caveman trying to stay happy?

No.

It's about a guy asking a question on a humour blog trying to make the question funny instead of letting the answer be funny.

(I don't really mind. If you want to supply the humour to my fans, it makes my job easier.)

A story about a lonely caveman would be called 'A Gork in the Hand is better than a Gork in the bush.'

How is 'a gork in the bush' not a euphemism for sex?

Short Answer: "Gork no sexy time with fancy lady. Gork do sex to pigeon. This last time. Gork promise. Coo, coo."

Friday, October 5, 2012

Question: What are your thoughts on the current inner-city phenomenon of "Hobo-Ticklin"?

Hey, I'm as behind the idea of a dirty faced giggler as much as the next guy. I just wish these hobo-ticklin' punks wouldn't solely use the tips of their penises. It would also be nice if they'd wake the hobos up, first. Seems like some sort of a human rights violation, like the dentist having a look at your butthole when you're unconscious.

How is a dirty-faced giggler not a euphemism for a sexual act, you ask? I don't know! Besides when have I ever answered a question?

Short Answer: Oh yeah. Right.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Question: I guessed that even though you stoically watch a billion horror movies, you scream when the toast pops up. True?

That is correct.

Things that scare me:

deep water
spiders
enclosed spaces
heights
eyebrows
sharks
happy meals
masks
having my arms pinned to my sides
hugs from fat people
confusion
constipation
bugs with lots of legs
Fisto from He-Man
skorts
horror movies
dreams about mundane things
packets of sauce
barn doors
rocking chairs
sound

Short Answer: The funny part is I get angry at whoever's around after something scares me. "No! Why! Is this a joke? Are you joking? Why?"

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Question: I need a hundred grand in a bit of a hurry. Any ideas?

Do you have big boobs? I always recommend that girls with big boobs use those boobs, by means of exposure, to make money, whether they need it or not. Just makes the world a better place.

Otherwise, my friend, you're boned. The only people in the world who start with no money and make a lot in a short period of time are girls with big boobs. Through porn, sugar-daddery or marrying a dying bloke. If you can't pull these off, better already have a crap load of money and pull some smarmy investments. I'd invest in porn, if I were you. People seem to like it a lot. Especially when the girls have the big boobs.

Of course, you can always turn to crime, though it's a lot harder in real life than they make it look in the movies. Robbing a bank, for example, is nearly impossible. You need way more then just a few friends for 'crowd control'. People are whiny, privileged bitches and sadly a water gun in the face doesn't scare anyone. (I recommend avoiding real guns. Some hero will kung-fu take it from you and shoot you in the testicles, undoubtedly.) The only thing you can count on, which is accurate from the movies, is that the guards won't do anything. They're trained to know what to do in those situations: lie the fuck down until the crazy men go away. Sadly, that middle-aged woman who still tells herself she's pretty every  morning after spending thirty minutes covering up her laugh lines will not stop wailing no matter how much you threaten her. This brush with death has made her appreciate life and the realization is too emotional to keep at bay. And she peed her pants and is upset by the embarrassment.

You could turn to more subtle crimes, like pretending you know the future or pretending that you talk to god. You can make a lot of money lying to people. I don't know if you'd call that making money 'in a hurry' though. In a hurry to get to Hell perhaps.

Here's an idea. Take a loan from the mob. That'll work out for everyone.

Short Answer: Time to break your own legs before whoever you owe that money to comes knockin'.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Question: How do you feel about sharks?

I fucking love sharks. I'd have a shark baby if I could. I'd sit on the couch, eating Cheetos and laughing away at Three Amigos with my beautiful shark wife.

And she'd be able to protect me from zombies as long as I was able to hold her horizontally or fashion a shark launcher.

Short Answer: Seriously. I love sharks. I love them. And they scare the shit out of me. Shark: "Yea, we don't need to evolve anymore, so..."

Monday, October 1, 2012

Question: Does penis size matter?

Not to me.

Many women claim that it doesn't, but they are often the women with wide or tall vaginas. Women with regular size vaginas seem to want a man to have a penis thick enough that they can feel it against their vagina insides. Long doesn't seem to be as important, and in fact can be detrimental, 'cause you can end up nailing the cervix like a pissy woodpecker. Chicks don't like that. At least, that's what the long penis contingent tell me.

Penis size matters when you're trying to play sports. If you have a big dong, it can be uncomfortable, even distracting. But most dongs try to retreat during activity, so as long as you're not hung like a giraffe, you're probably cool.

If you're having a penis size competition, penis size matters. Like, a lot.

Short Answer: More like long answer. Boo-yag!