Sunday, September 30, 2012

Question: What are your favorite Guilty Pleasure movies?

I think the term 'Guilty Pleasure' can mean different things to different people. The accepted definition is something you get a kick out of, but feel guilty because other people think it sucks. That's difficult for me because when I like something and other people think it sucks, I don't feel guilty. I just think they're wrong.

Being a Horror enthusiast, I've grown up surrounded by films that most would consider guilty pleasures if they considered them at all. So I'll have to be selective and keep the horror movies and the Jean Claude Van Damme movies to a minimum. Maybe the whole genre of an actor who isn't really famous anymore beating up other dudes needs to be left out so they don't dominate the list; movies like Road House and Out For Justice should be filed in the video store under 'Guilty Pleasure'. (I know there aren't any video stores anymore.)

As always, I'll do my best.

Favorite Guilty Pleasures - Movie Edition

50) House of 1000 Corpses (2003) - Rob Zombie's first effort is a joyous, messy romp.  A lot of people didn't seem to get it. I got it and good. Dr. Satan!
49) Mr. Baseball (1992) - Tom Selleck as an over the hill major leaguer in Japan. Feel good sports romp. Mustache.
48) Unleashed (2005) - Under the radar gem directed by Louis Letterrier and written by Luc Besson with the unnatural pairing of Jet Li and Morgan Freeman.
47) The Wrong Guy (1997) - Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall in a starring role. Enema Bag Jones.
46) Eragon (2006) - Straight up fantasy movie that nobody seemed to like. I liked it.
45) Cyborg (1989) - It doesn't hold up all that well, but I've got a soft spot for this Van Damme vehicle. Scene where he un-crucifies himself helps.
44) Barbarella (1968) - I have no idea if this movie is considered good by others. All I know is zero gravity naked Jane Fonda sure seems like a guilty pleasure to me.
43) Beerfest (2006) The Broken Lizard guys in full ludicrous speed. Love the scene where a series of events cause women to tear each other's tops off because boobs.
42) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) - Maybe I just feel bad for Tim Burton. The music in this movie was terrible, but Johnny Depp was delightful.
41) Troy (2004) - People seem to like ragging on this Wolfgang Peterson epic. I agree that Orlando Bloom is weak, but Brad Pitt as Achilles is inspired and the fight between him and Hector is legend.
40) Constantine (2005) - I know the fanboys will murder me, here. I really thought - separate from the source material - that this movie was really fun. Loved Stormare's Devil.
39) Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) - I was actually surprised to learn that people held this movie in such low esteem. Valuable alone for being the last next generation crew film.
38) Rush Hour (1998) I recall people saying good things about this movie until we all turned on Brett Ratner. Chris Tucker is funny and Jackie Chan is incomprehensible/kicking ass.
37) Grandma's Boy (2006) - An Adam Sandler movie without Adam Sandler. And dare I say better because of it? No, no. This movie is very funny, though.
37) Quigley Down Under (1990) - More Selleck love as he plays a hired gun for an Australian farmer and proceeds to Eastwood a bunch of tools.
36) Spider-Man 3 (2007) - Don't take my head off. I thought the Sandman stuff was good, and though Venom was jammed into the movie, I couldn't help but think it was cool to finally see him on screen.
35) The Passion of the Christ (2004) - The reason this is a guilty pleasure for me is because, as a non-religious person, I watched this movie the same way I'd watch something like Clash of the Titans. Pretty good story; violence and Monica Belluci. (see also: Shoot 'em Up)
34) Spartan (2004) - Not one of the more tauted efforts from David Mamet. It seemed appropriate to represent him on this list because some think he's a hack, some a genius. I go back and forth. You may have forgotten: Val Kilmer = Good.
33) Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001) - Crazy French epic about monster hunting and ass kicking with a hint of Vincent Cassel brilliance. People generally like it when they get exposed to it. If you know what I'm saying.
32) Matrix: Reloaded/Revolutions (2003) - Come on! Are you still complaining about these movies? There's more sword fights, gun fights, kung fu fights and all around awesomeness in these movies than you get anywhere else, and we're still pissed that they didn't make any sense? Don't care. Larry Fishburne cuts car in half with samurai sword. Enjoyable.
31) Night of the Creeps (1986) - Gotta start slipping in some horror. Fans of the genre like this flick, no one else has seen it. Bought it the minute it came out on Blu-Ray. Guilty.
30) Lady in the Water (2006) - Sometimes you can't explain it away. Sometimes you watch a movie and you love it, and barely care that others hate it. This fairy tale did it for me from top to bottom.
29) Ghost Rider (2007) - There's a theme here. I'm forgiving with movies that give me something I've always wanted to see. Ghost Rider, all lit up, burying dudes with his chains. Couldn't keep the smile off my face. (This selection also represents the Nic Cage is hilarious in everything portion of our list.)
 28) Rocky 4 (1985) - This is a great example of a guilty pleasure, and one that has permeated pop culture. The training scene is legendary.
27) Private School (1983) - Any movie with the word school in it probably belongs on this list. Private School is about...I don't know. There's titties.
26) Devil (2010) - No one gave a shit about this movie. If this came out in the eighties, dudes would have gone nuts. It's awesome; like a great Twilight Zone episode. People trapped in an elevator, one of them's the Devil.
25) X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006) - I was invested, alright? Gimme a break. Loved seeing Beast and Colossus throwing down. Ice Man teaching Pyro a lesson. The trees were pretty...
24) From Beyond (1986) - Director Stuart Gordon of Re-Animator fame taking on another Lovecraft story with all the craziness, nudity and gore the eighties would allow.
23) Sucker Punch (2011) - I have this philosophy, maybe from all the bad Horror movies I've consumed. If there' a lot of rad shit in a movie, it can't be all that bad (see: Matrix sequels). Scantily clad women kung-fu-ing the hell out of robots, nazis and giant samurais. If I gave you this description, you'd watch the movie.
22) The Ice Pirates (1984) - Don't get much guiltier than this. No water in the future. Robert Urich is a swash-buckler in space. Shit gets real. Well known in some circles for the dong removal apparatus.
21) Under Siege (1992) - The only reason this isn't higher is because I think it might actually be a good film. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey being crazy, Seagal kicking the shit out of everyone and one of my favorite topless scenes in movie history: Erika Eleniak jumping out of the cake. Rewound that one a few times, let me tell ya.
20) Night Breed (1990) - A Clive Barker novella directed by the man himself with one David Cronenberg in a starring role. Midian is where the monsters live. Go check it out for yourself.
19) Blade 2 (2002) - Again, in some strange reversal, this movie could be way higher; I'm not even sure this is a guilty pleasure 'cause it's so damn good. Wesley Snipes really beats ass all over town in this one. Suplexes and elbow drops included.
18) The Prophecy (1995) - Walken as a pissed off Gabriel on earth. Angels warring in Heaven. Viggo Mortenson as Lucifer. Eric Stoltz, Elias Koteas...are you on Netflix yet?
17) Superman Returns (2006) - People were hard on this one. Story was a bit wacky toward the end, but they got the ideal of Superman right in a very important way. The scene where he's listening to the world was, to me, worth the price of admission. Kevin Spacey is always top notch and James Marsden is so good he probably wrecks the movie a little.
16) Con Air (1997) - Insane movie, insane cast. Nic Cage's insane hair. This is a guilty pleasure supreme.
15) Return of the Living Dead (1985) - I love this movie. I think a lot of people do, but some films are destined to feel like guilty pleasure no matter how many people like them. "Send more paramedics."
14) Underworld (2003) - This should be everything I hate about genre movies. Overly romanticized vampires, slick leather outfits, female lead that looks like she couldn't kick down a pile of pillows. And yet...magic happens.
13) Demolition Man (1993) - Snipes beating ass again, hilarious future, least annoying Sandra Bullock performance despite how annoying she is. Taco Bell, MurderDeathKills, Dennis Leary and ratburgers. Oh, and the three shells.
12) Prince of Darkness (1987) - The forgotten John Carpenter masterpiece. A director that deserves to be on here, despite the fact that every time he makes a great film, it doesn't deserve to be considered a guilty pleasure. Tough choice, but Prince of Darkness is under-watched if not under-appreciated.
11) Hard Target (1993) - Holy shit. John Woo directing Van Damme and Lance Henriksen. That is all.
10) License to Kill (1989) - Now we're in the shit! A Timothy Dalton Bond movie. Can you feel it? The guilt and the pleasure? Oh, yea, rub it all over your body. Note: I think this movie is awesome. Bond stripped of his licence to kill - more dangerous than ever! Ba-Na-Na-Naaaa!
9) Strange Wilderness (2008) - My guiltiest of guilty pleasures are definitely comedies, as you're about to see. I laugh at this movie every time, harder each time. It's absolutely ridiculous. The clips of the nature show alone are worth the watch. Monkeys do make up 90 percent of the world's monkey population.
8) Piranha (2010) - Young Horror maven Alexandre Aja takes the remake bull by the horns and produces one of the most fun movies you could imagine. If your idea of fun is nudity and gore. Mine is. Guilty as charged.
7) Reign of Fire (2002) - Christian Bale, Gerard Butler and Matthew McConaughey in the future fighting dragons. Yep. That may be the definition of guilty pleasure. Dragon breathing fire down into the castle is one of my most memorable in-theater experiences.
6) Get Smart (2008) - Steve Carell is undoubtedly funny, but it's been hard to find the proper lead vehicle, at least in terms of straight comedy. I believe this was it. He's brilliant as Maxwell Smart and Anne Hathaway is awesome as 99. I honestly don't get why people didn't like it. Shouldn't even feel guilty about this one.
5) Daredevil (2003) - Let's be clear. The director's cut of this movie is so far superior, that it goes beyond guilty pleasure. But the theatrical release is the one that people saw and panned. Yea the playground fight sucks, but the rest is pretty good. The scene where he beats ass in the bar is really, really good. And the way they created his 'sight', like sonar? Cool.
4) Ski School (1990) - Ah, Dean Cameron. You were brilliant. People get thrown beers out of nowhere and there's plenty of naked boobs. And another of my favorite, most rewound topless scenes in film history starring playmate Ava Fabian. Wowzers.
3) The Love Guru (2008) - Were people tired of Mike Myers? I thought this movie was really fun. Not great, so perfect for the guilty pleasure category. "Nice hat. I had a hat like that once. Then my mom got a job!"
2) Orgazmo (1997) - Mormons before the Book of Mormon. Trey Parker directed himself in this one, about a good guy Mormon turned porn actor turned superhero. Yep. I've seen this movie a lot.
1) Your Highness (2011) - Apparently this movie was made for me and only me. I've seen it half a dozen times already, and I'm the kind of guy who watches movies he loves twice, three times max. Every time I watch it, I laugh out loud at something else. The tone, of modern speak in medieval setting, just does it for me. It's number one, and it should be, but it's a whole lot more pleasure than guilt. "If your anything like my hand...there will be no problem."

Short Answer: Like all lists, I'm sure I'll think of something else and feel like an ass for forgetting it. A lot of guilty pleasures out there to be had.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Question: When is an octagon like an alligator?

When you eat gator bites at a southern restaurant and decide to order eight sides.

(This one was hard. Maybe something about an alligator fighting in the UFC? You can make purses out of an alligator and you win purses when you succeed in the octagon?)

Short Answer: Corn bread, baked beans, collard greens, potato salad, cold slaw, pinto beans with burnt ends, corn on the cob, macaroni salad.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Question: Is there a limit to international patience?

There's a limit to international waters: the shore.
There's a limit to how many pancakes they'll let you stack at the International House of Pancakes: 13
There's a limit to International Low Cut Top day: nipples.
There's a limit to international sanctions: effectiveness.
There's a limit to the reach of international superstar Chow Yun-Fat: Guam.
There's a limit to the authenticity of the International Calligraphy Union: I just made it up.
There's a limit to the powers of FIFA: can't stop racism.
There's a limit to movies starring the International Man of Mystery: 3
There's a limit to International Talk Like a Pirate Day: scurvy.
There's a limit to the UN's International Day of Peace: it's one day.

I suppose there is a limit to international patience. The Swiss are borderline too peaceful. Norway is too cold. Other places are too far; so I can see getting fed up. All in all, though, despite how much tripe you eat, I think most people get along.

Short Answer: Except when religion has anything to do with it. What? Oh. Religion always has something to do with it. Awesome.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Question: If you could only use one curse word for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I'm sorry to be so fucking predictable, but for me it's definitely fuck.

I swear a lot. I find it has been a natural progression that fuck is my most commonly used word.

I like shit, too. I like shit a lot.

I like exchanging the words for effect. Like, 'What the shit?" and "I'd like to fuck in your mouth."

So call me a shit-fucking traditionalist if you must, but there you have.

On a purely philosophical level, I'm a big fan of words that people allow themselves to be offended by. Cunt is the best example of this. It's a wonderful curse word. I highly recommend it.

Short Answer: Fuck. There are words that I could try not to say, but I say fuck all the time without any knowledge I'm saying it. If I were not able to say it, its absence would leave some pretty confusing gaps in my communications. Even though, replacing the word fuck when it's expected is pretty funny. Like, "What the tits?"

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Question: I had this dream where I was both the Keymaster AND the Gatekeeper. What do you think it means?

Probably that you've been masturbating too much.

I'm sure it means something positive like you control your own destiny blah blah blah...

I'd like to think it means a shift in Gozer the Gozerian's philosophy. Gonna be a lot easier to get the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper together if they're in one body.

It could also mean that you've watched Ghostbusters one too many times and have split into separate personalities. Now, not only are you the regular, pathetic you, you are also Vinz Clortho and Zuul. No longer is there only Zuul. (That's from the movie. Get it? Shut up.)

Dreams don't mean crap. I had a dream last night that Michelle Pfeiffer and Jennifer Connelly were hosting SNL and they got too drunk and stripped each other completely naked on live television. That dream should mean something, 'cause it's awesome. All it meant was that in my subconscious, Michelle Pfeiffer has way bigger titties than she does in real life.

I guess sometimes dreams correct reality. So maybe you're not watching Ghostbusters enough. You should get on that.

Short Answer: "Yes, have some."

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Question: Why is it called a death rattle?

'Cause there used to be way more baby deaths.

Short Answer: When Spanish babies die, maracas are the funny thing.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Question: Someone yelled 'you have a better chance of flip grazing, asshole!' What does it mean?

In one of those rare linguistic-al situ-ations, the phrase "You have/You've got a better chance of flip grazing" means something different depending on what you're doing.

Allow me to explain.

If you were having sex with a man's mother, and she was on her stomach and you tried to include the anus in your 'array of carnival pleasures' and the older woman seemed not to be responding, then the son,watching quietly up until now, shouted, "You have a better chance of flip grazing!", it means that you might want to try stimulating his mother's anus with an inanimate object larger than your finger.

If you were at the water slides, a place that terrifies you ever since you saw that Jaws movie about the water park - and you're afraid of heights - and you're encouraged by your so-called friends to attempt the 'Screamanator' you might find by the time you get to the bottom, you've made quite the dump in your trunks. Trying to scoop it back in so as not to be embarrassed by your inappropriate poo, an onlooker might yell, "You've got a better chance of flip grazing that dump!" This would mean that they think you'd have better luck just abandoning the trunks altogether and going bare ass, all the while pretending to be disgusted that someone else loafed their trunks.

Wax museums are a good place to cop a free feel. Obviously you have the option of groping the statues, but you can also pretend to be a statue and 'scare-grope' the large-busted visitors. If you go for this classic technique, you might find an angry boyfriend or husband yells, "You've a better chance at flip grazing, you fucker!" which means that he'd rather you gave him a tug, then tried to fingerbang is wife. Your odds are better, in terms of success.

Odd, that all of this comes from one lazy cow, who once tipped, was unwilling to right himself. His tongue was long, and the grass was 'right there' so...why bother?

(I apologize. I made that last part up. How ridiculous.)

Short Answer: If you think this answer is gross and would rather not read my blog, you just might be flip grazing, jerk. Better continue reading my blog and tell two friends.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Question: Could a determinist view of the universe allow for free-will since, on the grand scheme of things, our choices don't amount to a hill of beans (so to speak)?

This has rarely happened, but I guess it's something I'll have to deal with the longer I do this blog.

I feel like I've been asked this question before.

Here's the thing. Philosophy is a pile of nonsense, for the most part. It's the same ideas, over and again, grouped differently. And trying to have an original idea is the most convoluted thing; 'cause even if your idea is original in essence, it has undoubtedly been categorized in the back log of some other philosopher's legwork and influences.

First off there are tonnes of philosophies that fall under the cloak of 'Determinism." To answer this question, one would have to address the leeway given by each individual one. Fatalism is different than Necessitarianism is different than Causal Determinism. It's boring.

What you're asking about is what most would call Compatibilism, which is the sector of philosophy where Determinism and Free Will meet. In philosophy, everything meets somewhere, and I'm not going to explain how or why because I'm not a professor.

So could it exist? The answer is it does exist.

Do I believe it exists? I'm more inclined to believe in straight up free will. My philosophical intricacies tend to bend toward ideas about how flawed we are and how much we trust our own perception of the universe despite being aware of and acknowledging those flaws. For me, I have to be able to make the life I want to even get into what I like about philosophy.

Short Answer: That hill of beans we make with our choices is the only control we have. Without some modicum of control, we'd just poop in our pants.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Question: Do you think Edmond Dantes may have over-reacted just a bit?

Not a fucking chance.

For those not in the know, Edmond Dantes is the lead character of one of the greatest novels ever written, The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.

Everyone loves a good revenge story. In fact I'm reading one right now, called Best Served Cold by Joe Abercrombie. Revenge stories also make great films for it's easy to relate to and feel sympathy for the protagonist when we see him go through something horrible.

I'm of the opinion that there can be no such over-reaction when one is wronged. Justice served is wondrous, only bettered by justice doled out in delightfully brutal ways. Also, (slight spoilers ahead) most of what Edmond does in the story is genuine justice; bringing to light the crimes of the wrong doers. He doesn't burn their asses off with a coal shovel, or anything. Even if he did, I'm in. When you travel along with someone who's been wronged, you can usually see his point of view if he does decide to take matters a little too far. Revenge isn't about an eye for an eye. That fucker took your eye? Maybe ruin his whole face, or his wife's eyes, or the eyes of his precious goldfish. That'll teach him.

Short Answer: I highly recommend The Count of Monte Cristo if you haven't read it. It's not slow or boring or full of baguettes, if you were unsure. It's magnificent.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Question: What's the most fun you can have with two coconuts, a bicycle seat and a sham-wow?

My first thought was a hula girl, a bike with a recently removed seat and clean up.

But that's a little dirty.

Plus it doesn't really use the bicycle seat at all.

I'm thinking the most fun is probably a game where you tie the sham-wow to the bicycle seat and try to break the coconuts by swinging that seat-wow like a morning star. Whoever breaks the other persons coconut first wins. Or whoever doesn't hit themselves in the face wins.

Short Answer: I still like the idea of there being a hula girl present, despite whatever medieval weapons are created.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Question: if you were to sing the theme for the new bond movie, what would the song be called?

It would be called Skyfall. 'Cause the movie is called that. The song is always the name of the movie.

It would be all like: "Skyfall! Motherfuckin' Skyyyyy-fckin-faaaallllll! Skfl!"

and shit.

Short Answer: I fell at hockey and hurt my bum. So now I'm ornery.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Question: What are some good questions for the upcoming presidential debates?

Top Ten Questions for the upcoming Presidential Debates

10) Which one of you is the blackest?
9) What are you opinions that contradict your party platforms?
8) You guys up for a high five?
7) You have ten seconds to not contradict yourselves. Can you do it?

You know what? Full bail. I can't get into the humour of this. Obama's a smooth talker, and Romney doesn't actually say anything ever, so what's the point of making jokes about their debate? I could only hope that Obama will at least try to address some issues. I'm not even going to watch. I couldn't care less. There's nothing less riveting then watching Rombot speak.

Tired of liars, tired of greed.

Short Answer: Here's a question. How far up your ass does your own head have to be to make you think your shit doesn't stink? All the way up? Great.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Question: Are you here for a good time or a long time?

Brothel: good time
Nascar race: long time
Mental Institution: good time
Comic Book store: good time
Long John Silver's: err...both I guess...
Good Time Charlie's: is that even a place?
John Goodman's house: I guess I'd stay for awhile if he invited me...
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's grave: now this is just getting silly.
Jimmy Buffet concert: short time
Those aren't one of the choices!: hey, don't yell at me.
I'll do what I want!: you've totally broken the form of this answer.
I'm not your puppet!: long time.
Oh, very funny, just ignore me like you always do: good time.
Stop it!: remember that girl from Full Metal Jacket?
What?: love you long time.

Short Answer: The sun can't shine every day, people.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Question: What is the most inappropriate thing you've ever had done to you? What is the most inappropriate thing you've ever done to someone else?

The most inappropriate thing I've ever done, believe it or not, is easy. And I apologize in advance if I've mentioned this on my blog before. Still, it's the truth.

The story is somewhat of a legend amongst my friends; in fact, I barely remember the incident at all. Now it's one of those conglomerations of possible memory and picturing it as my friends tell it.

It goes something like this. A girl walks into the cafeteria of my high school. She's a bigger girl; I used to call her Bethopotamus. She's on crutches, one leg in a cast.

Apparently, without any prompting, I say, "What happened? Did your leg collapse under the sheer magnitude of your own weight?"

I was a jerk.

The most inappropriate thing I've ever had done to me is a lot more difficult to come up with.

No. I know what it is. I just hate repeating it. Alright, here goes.

I'm at a party. A girl who's been my friend for a few years is flirting with me, and I'm showing little interest, it having been long since established that I don't like her in that way. She starts teasing me, telling me that I don't have the balls to take her upstairs. Finally, I think, "What the hell?" and I agree. She follows me up to the spare room. We start making out and I start taking her clothes off. We get to bra and panties level and she steps away. "Just so you know, I have a boyfriend," she says. Fine. I'm nice enough about it, but in my mind, I'm thinking the obvious. 'Why did you get me up here, then?'

Whatever, no big deal. A a few weeks later I'm at a party, chatting up a girl that I do like. It's great; there's that new love spark between me and the girl, but at one point, I can see something's on her mind.

Finally, after some coercing, she explains. "My friend (name omitted) says that you guys were together and that you practically raped her."

This, my friends, despite my many humorous leanings, was no joke to me. Besides the fact that I don't think I even felt the girl up, and the fact that she was my friend - the word choice is a little careless, don't you think? I learned that it was just that. The girl wasn't going around telling people I'd raped her; it was just a turn of phrase she'd chosen in that one incident, a comment on how fast things had happened between us. Despite this, and her continuous attempts to apologize, I chose not to talk to that 'friend' ever again.

I could never stand drama, especially stupid chick drama, but c'mon! And my friends and I did make a joke of the term 'practically raped' which doesn't seem all that funny after that doofus in America went off about 'legitimate rape.' Whatever. I think that was fairly inappropriate usage. Rape is a bit of a buzz word, so I've been told.

Short Answer: For the most part, I don't think anything is inappropriate. Except maybe accusing someone of rape by mistake because you're a fucking idiot.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Question: Any suggestions on how to lessen the impact of a punch to the face?

If you know the punch is coming, and you've got the reflexes, one thing you can do to lessen the impact is tip your head all the way forward so they punch you in the top of the old bean. This will hurt you a little bit, still, but it will hurt them a lot and that is super funny.

As for non funny methods, throwing your arms up beside your ears or tucking your chin behind your raised shoulder are good ways to lessen the blow. Some might even suggest that ducking works, though many a man has been taken out by a poorly aimed blow when they try to duck.

I'd say the most effective way to lessen the impact of a punch to the face is to punch their face. As soon as you see it coming, turn those hips and shoot your good hand straight into their face. Most people when punching throw wide crosses, almost hooks. If you throw a straight punch, their face will be punched well before your face is punched. Again, you may get hurt a little, but they'll have lost the exchange.

If the fight were to continue, I'd accuse the person of peeing their pants. That gets 'em all riled up and makes onlookers laugh at them. Then the next few attacks will be so wild, you'll easily be able to try some of the above techniques. When you grow weary of the exchange, kick the balls, and all will be well.

Short Answer: Whatever you do, don't lean away. No one wants a punch in the neck. It makes a weird sound.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Question: Is the Republican campaign a Beta test for a cartoon of some kind?

Politics aren't even funny any more. Big business has it's paws in every level of government, even judiciary, so what's the point in pretending that the whole place isn't a big trash heap? Honestly, the humour has been sucked out of it for me. With all the misogynistic crap and the constant lying, I'm losing interest. It's like having to listen to the stupidest people in the world tell you that they're smart enough to make your life better.

Cartoons are supposed to be funny. So the evolution of the Republican party can't be going in that direction. The only direction they go in is whatever path they think will lead them back to power most quickly. That isn't comparable to anyone in a cartoon, not in a serious way. And at least Yosemite Sam had a sweet mustache.

I was officially out when Ryan got up and lied his ass off. Bad enough that he'd already changed all of his own opinions to match Romney's, which he didn't even have until he got the nomination. Might as well be two fucking robots up there, programmed with out of date, conservative rhetoric.

I want to be funny. I do. I want to entertain, inspire, poop. But politics is a cesspool of disingenuous bottom feeders, sucking the life out of an already flawed political system as the middle-class burns away to nothingness.

Short Answer: Say what you want about Obama's record, but good luck getting anything worthy of being called 'leadership' out of Twit Rombot. That guy couldn't lead you out of an open field into another open field. I've found more inspiration in my sock drawer.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Question: Will you miss George Lucas when he retires?

When was the last time he did a movie? Why would I even notice, anyway? Do you mean when he retires from constantly altering his own work? Yea, I'd probably notice that but I sure as hell won't miss it.

I don't have a hate on for Lucas the way others do. He's just a man, after all. Fallible as the rest of us. The only thing that really bothers me about the dude is the way he's stuck to his guns over the years in the face of all the hate. Besides being blatantly caught in a few lies (like when he claimed falsely that in the original script, Greedo shot first), he just seems like a bit of a douche when he says shit about the newer Star Wars movies. If he just came out and said, "Yea, they sucked." wouldn't we all feel a little better? Wouldn't we start to heal?

Anyway, he did some good stuff. His legacy might be that for a man of such accomplishment, there wasn't much expected of him as a filmmaker later in his career. That says something about backlash in our modern society.

Short Answer: For a man of such accomplishment - and it's funny to say - his retirement will go by mostly unnoticed, if, in fact, he isn't retired already.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Question: When's a good time to show her the goods?

My instinct on this one is right away, like, as fast as you can, let her know what kind of monster you're packing. Show her the weird nut, the thick vein, the knuckly part, let her know what she's getting into, or more accurately, what's getting into her.

This is not as socially acceptable as one might think. Various times I've had to concoct stories about why my dick was out. Often, it's due to a recent loss in weight coupled with having forgotten my belt. That usually gets me off with the cops. Except that time it really got me off with the cops, if you know what I'm saying?

Hello? You still there?

The best course of action is probably to let her discover the thickness down below on her own. When she's ready, she'll reach for the dragon, then it's on her what she does with that irrepressible beast.

Short Answer: Right when she opens her mouth to speak. Nobody wants that. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Question: Okay, so is it REALLY unforgivable to fake the funk on a nasty dunk?

Unforgivable, no.
Ill-advised, yes.

If you're going to try to simulate funk at all, dunking is not the best time to do it. Try Halloween; some black face and bangles should do the trick.

By definition, any dunk that is even relatively nasty has a little funk on it. So if you just relax, let nature take its course and fucking poster-ise someone, the funk element should by all accounts be present and accounted for.

Attempting to fake that funk is the equivalent of a porn actress faking an orgasm. Just imagine how silly that is, that you're a grown man, ready to throw down a rim-rocking slam, and everyone looking at you just sees: "Oh, yes. More. More, that's the spot. Oh, yea." Nobody wants a porno dunk. That shit is off-putting.

Once in a while, sure, bring a little fake funk. Call it pizazz, the veritable jazz finger of the basketball world. But don't make it a habit. And once in a while, REALLY bring the funk, to let 'em all know you got that shit. Make it as nasty as a chunky slap-base line, biting your lip all the way 'till the backboard shatters.

Short Answer: Put some stink on it too, while you're at it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Question: Is there a phobia for mucus?

Blennophobia or myxophobia are terms that mean fear of slime or fear of mucus. I think mainly slime. But mucus is like capital S slime so I'm pretty sure that fits in there, just like your finger fits perfectly into your nose. This should tell you how stupid a fear of boogers is.

I think there should be a specific phobia for not wanting snot wiped onto you. That's gross.

Here's one. You know when you catch someone picking their nose? It's like a car crash; you can't look away. You're witnessing someone doing the most private of private things. The voyeur in you is delighted. Then, the finger starts moving toward the lips. There should be a name for that fear you feel when you realize that your delightful, voyeuristic jaunt may have abruptly turned into watching someone consume the most disgusting meal imaginable.

Short Answer: I've got this one. Eataboogerphobia. Eatabooger is Greek for eating a booger.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Question: This is the most dedicated list in history. Are you human?

This was asked on Twitter in reference to my recent Top 100 Comedic Performances list.

I can assure you I am human because A) The list is very subjective and 2) I didn't include any performances from the movies on my home planet full of robots of which I am one.

Damn it.

Short Answer: I think I could do an honorable mentions list as long as the original. Especially if I include Gaxton Blyr from my planet. (He's like Paul Giamatti with a little Giovanni Ribisi mixed in. Oh, and he has a robot dong.)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Question: Just read your 100 funniest movie characters. You should do 100 other things! Ha-ha!

100 Other Things

100) Staple wounds
99) Horse piss
98) Ice cream cake with sparklers that melt the cake
97) Voltron pajamas
96) Oldey time globe
95) Patent applications
94) Steamboat memories
93) Ethnic shoes
92) A full set of handsome jurors
80) Jean skorts
79) Fake helicopter noises
78) The wonder of the sea
77) Loose sports bra
76) Chuck Norris joke
75) Headless waiter
74) Necessary Quotations
73) DNA strand coat hanger
72) Lingerie football compound fracture
71) A full tray of chocolate milk ice cubes
59) M.O.D.O.K.
58) Carey Grant's fat kids
57) The poster for Evil Dead
56) Blended corn guacamole
55) Dwarfs
48) Fecal catapult
47) Desire to tie
46) Maids-a-milking
38) Hoarders: Dragon Edition
37) Naked group therapy
36) Klingon poetry
35) Joan Cusack's 'toys'.
34) How many X-Men movies there should have been
32) Clams that shuck themselves
31) USB shaped like a dirty condom
30) Extra chess piece the Violator
29) Topical Storms
28) Elliot Ness in E.T.
27) Leafs on a badass clover
23) Malaise on the verge of being promoted to General
22) Garbage bag mask
21) Sleeved tank tops
20) A cautious cyclops that sleeps with one eye open
19) Wicker
18) One-handed bra opening initiation at fat camp
17) Spork Talk podcast
16) Fleeing the sunset at the end of a western
15) Dignity in the face of squalor
14) Dragon farts
13) Letting your backbone slide
12) Strikes and you're out
9) Gay tennis
8) Garth Ennis
7) The resurgence of Ray-Bans
6) Cat Soup
5) A slow, live decapitation
4) One way ticket to midnight (call it, Heavy Metal)
3) Prince of Alopecia
2) A set of big boobs

Short Answer: (Number one is the other boob. Get it?)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Question: Who are the funniest characters - or most iconic comedic performances - in movie history?

Holy shit.

Only rule will be one appearance per actor, otherwise it would be the Steve Martin, Will Ferrell, Bill Murray show.

Let's dive in!

100) Jason Bateman as Pepper Brooks in Dodgeball (2004)
99) Micheal Caine as Lawrence Jamieson in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
98) Ken Jeong as King Argotron in Role Models (2008)
97) Jason Lee as Brodie in Mallrats (1995)
96) Matt Dillon as Healy in There's Something About Mary (1998)
95) Brad Pitt as Chad Feldheimer in Burn After Reading (2008)
94) Neil Patrick Harris as Himself in Harold & Kumar go to White Castle (2004)
93) Joel David Moore as J.P. in Grandma's Boy (2006)
92) Rob Schneider as Delivery Guy in Big Daddy (1999)
91) Gerry Bednob as Mooj in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
90) Paul Rudd as Chuck in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
89) Steve Zahn as Peter in Strange Wilderness (2008)
88) Tim Meadows as Leon Phelps in The Ladies Man (2000)
87) Giovanni Ribisi as Donny in Ted (2012)
86) Will Arnett as John Solomon in The Brothers Solomon (2007)
85) John C. Reilly as Dewey Cox in Walk Hard (2007)
84) Rob Corddry as Lou in Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
83) Jacob Pitts as Cooper Harris in Eurotrip (2004)
82) Sean William Scott as Steve Stifler in American Pie (1999)
81) Nick Frost as PC Danny Butterman in Hot Fuzz (2007)
80) Martin Short as Ned Nederlander in Three Amigos (1986)
79) James Franco as Fabious in Your Highness (2011)
78) Jon Heder as Napoleon Dynamite in Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
77) John Goodman as Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski (1998)
76) Rowan Atkinson as Johnny English in Johnny English (2003)
75) Philip Seymour Hoffman as Sandy Lyle in Along Came Polly (2004)
74) Owen Wilson as Kevin Rawley in Meet the Parents (2000)
73) Seth Rogen as Dale Denton in Pineapple Express (2008)
72) Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson in Dazed and Confused (1993)
71) Ben Stiller as Hal the Orderly in Happy Gilmore (1996)
70) Sacha Baron Cohen as Jean Girard in Talladega Nights (2006)
69) Frances McDormand as Marge Gunderson in Fargo (1996)
68) Steve Coogan as Dana Marschz in Hamlet 2 (2008)
67) Darren Mcgavin as The Old Man in A Christmas Story (1983)
66) John Malkovich as Himself in Being John Malkovich (1999)
65) Russell Brand as Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
64) Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard/Euphegenia Doubtfire in Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
63) Barbara Streisand as Fanny Brice in Funny Girl (1968)
62) Madeline Kahn as Lili von Schtupp in Blazing Saddles (1974)
61) Jim Breur as Brian in Half Baked (1998)
60) Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
59) Christopher Meloni as Freakshow in Harold & Kumar go to White Castle (2004)
58) Cloris Leachman as Frau Blucher in Young Frankenstein (1974)
57) Jemaine Clement as Chevalier in Gentlemen Broncos (2009)
56) Leslie Nielson as Dr. Rumack in Airplane (1980)
55) Aaron Ruell as Kip in Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
54) Leslie Mann as Nicky in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
53) Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean series (2003 - )
52) Billy Crystal as Miracle Max in The Princess Bride (1987)
51) Jeff Anderson as Randall Graves in Clerks (1994)
50) Lloyd Bridges as Steve McCroskey in Airplane (1980)
49) Kurt Russell as Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
48) Steve Carell as Brick Tamland in Anchorman (2004)
47) Matthew Broderick as Ferris Beuller in Ferris Beuller's Day Off (1986)
46) Tom Hanks as Josh Baskin in Big (1988)
45) John Belushi as John Blutarsky in Animal House (1978)
44) Jack Lemmon as Jerry in Some Like it Hot (1959)
43) Seth Green as Scott Evil in Austin Powers series (1997-2002)
42) Graham Chapman as Brian in Life of Brian (1979)
41) John Candy as Del Griffith in Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
40) Harland Williams as Kenny Davis in Half Baked (1998)
39) William Sadler as Death in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
38) Will Forte as MacGruber in MacGruber (2010)
37) Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb & Dumber (1994)
36) Kevin Kline as Otto in A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
35) Eddie Murphy as Everyone in The Nutty Professor (1996)
34) Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown in Back to the Future (1985)
33) Vince Vaughn as Trent in Swingers (1996)
32) Michael Cera as Evan in Superbad (2007)
31) Charlie Chaplin as The Little Tramp in Everything
30) Justin Long as Brandon in Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
29) Simon Pegg as Shaun in Shaun of the Dead (2004)
28) Jonah Hill as Seth in Superbad (2007)
27) Dave Chappelle as Thurgood Jenkins in Half Baked (1998)
26) Fred Willard as Buck Laughlin in Best in Show (2000)
25) John Cleese as The Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
24) Danny McBride as Thadeous in Your Highness (2011)
23) John Cusack as Martin Q. Blank in Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
22) Bruce Campbell as Ash in Army of Darkness (1992)
21) Ryan Reynolds as Monty in Waiting (2005)
20) Andy Samberg as Rod Kimble in Hot Rod (2007)
19) Emma Stone as Olive in Easy A (2010)
18) Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
17) Christopher Walken as Captain Koons in Pulp Fiction (1994)
16) Jack Black as Nacho in Nacho Libre (2006)
15) Charlie Day as Dale Arbus in Horrible Bosses (2011)
14) Kristen Wiig as Annie Walker in Bridesmaids (2011)
13) Christopher Guest as Corky St.Clair in Waiting for Guffman (1996)
12) Zach Galifianakis as Ethan Tremblay in Due Date (2010)
11) Chris Farley as Tommy in Tommy Boy (1995)
10) Adam Sandler as Billy in Billy Madison (1995)
9) Peter Sellers as Everyone in Dr. Strangelove (1964)
8) Chevy Chase as Ty Webb in Caddyshack (1980)
7) Robert Downey Jr. as Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder (2008)
6) Gene Wilder as Dr. Frankenstein in Young Frankenstein (1974)
5) Mike Myers as Dr. Evil in Austin Powers series (1997-2002)
4) Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet in Spaceballs (1987)
3) Steve Martin as Navin Johnson in The Jerk (1979)
2) Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman (2004)
1) Bill Murray as Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters (1986)

Short Answer: Hope you enjoyed it. Pretty epic, all in all.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Question: Do you believe in fate?

Fuck fate.

You make your own life. If it makes you feel better to think that you're destined to achieve something or end up somewhere, that's fine as long as you use it as motivation to work as hard as you need to to get yourself there. Fate, if used at all, should be a poke, a prod, a minor encouragement. You can't leave your life in the hands of a philosophy. You've gotta go out and kick the balls and make the panties drop.

Short Answer: I repeat: kick the balls and make the panties drop.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Question: Might you be my lucky star?

I might be like your virgin,
I might be your material girl,
I might be able to respect myself,
I might vogue,
I might cherish,
I might be like a prayer,
I might know a Spanish lullaby or two,
and I might be persuaded to go on holiday with you.

But I am no one's lucky star.

One time I looked at a girl as she were crossing the street and she hesitated, thinking she knew me, and got hit by a tractor. It didn't kill her, but it knocked her out of her shoes, leaving one severed foot behind.

Short Answer: Always look both ways, fuckers, not just at the dreamboat ogling your cleavage.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Question: Do you think Frockprat is a term of endearment?

I don't see how it could be.

Horatio Frockprat was born two days after John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich and grew up not far from his ancestral home. Though he had often thought to put his meat between two slabs of bread (a notion inspired by his incessant whore mongering) the Earl of Sandwich was given all the credit. The Meatball Frockprat never came to exist.

Lorenzio Frockprat was a contemporary of the famous Antonio Maria Valsalva, inventor of the Vasalva Maneuver, where one blows hard against plugged or closed airways. Lorenzio came up with a similar idea - a notion inspired by his incessant whore mongering - yet was beaten to the punch. Though the Vasalva Maneuver is used every day on airplanes to equilize sinus pressure, the Frockpat Blowjob was instead invented by the french. Drop the Frockprat.

Steve Frockprat once thought it would be cool if everything was connected. One time when he was high, he told his buddy Willy Gates. Inspired by his constant whore mongering, Steve told Willy that sex should be something that happened on some sort of interconnected virtual environment, so no one would ever have to leave their mom's basement again. Willy Gates never invented the Internet, but he sure did well with it, thanks to what Steve had envisioned. receives less than one original visitor per day.

Ugg Frockprat hit his wife with a rock, killing her instantly. The next day, he hit his new wife with a stick and that worked out. Though he thought something along the lines of 'clubbed her good' he did not yet have the words. It was another caveman, who's name just happened to sound like club, who made a habit of using the stick on as many women as possible, inspired by his incessant whore mongering. People inevitably would cheer the man, shouting 'Club! Club! Club' at the sight of him. To this day, no one eats Frockprat Sandwiches, hangs out in the Frockprat House, or dances the night away at the Frockprat. When playing cards, the suits are not Hearts, Diamonds, Frockprats and Spades and no one ever, despite how evil, Frockpratted a baby seal.

Short Answer: At this point, I'm surprised the term Frockprat even exists at all.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Question: Monkeyshines?

As per usual, I have no idea what this question is in reference to. There's a movie, from 1988, directed by George Romero called Monkey Shines. It's about a paraplegic guy who gets a helper monkey. Then the helper monkey gets all pissy and starts killing people. I think that's how it goes - been a while. I seem to remember a cool scene where the monkey almost suffocates the dude with a plastic bag or something.

The poster for this movie, which depicts one of those super fuckin' weird monkey toys with the clapping symbols, scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. So thanks a heap, dude.

I guess the word itself, as presented, means shenanigans or pranks. I don't allow either. So the answer, if I was asked on a site I created where people ask me questions and I have to answer them, is no. No to monkeyshines. And no to Monkey Shines, too. Fuck that creepy ass monkey.

Short Answer: The poster, if you didn't look it up, has a spooky rhyme at the top, and the tag line is "An Experiment in Fear." It's like they took all the most horrific shit they could imagine and jammed it into one advertisement. Man, sometimes toys have the deadest eyes. Thanks again! See you in a few months, proper sleep!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Question: Is irony for sale?

Eat your own poop, jerkface!

Webster's Dictionary defines irony as: (1): incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result

Short Answer: Irony isn't for sale. We're all out. We do, however still have 'steely-eyed' and 'plain grey' in stock.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Question: You're trying to take a dump in a public bathroom and a couple come in and start fooling around in the next stall. What do you say?

Top Ten Things to Say to the Couple in the Next Stall

10) "Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
9) "Yea, hit it. Hit that shit! Do it for the both of us, guy!"
8) "I got next!"
7) "Geez, how 'bout a courtesy flush, guys."
6) "I'm out of toilet paper and you seem to be done with your"
5) "I don't like this story!"
4) "Do you want me to wipe, or should I wait?"
3) "I had sex near a number two once in the park."
2) "What do you guys want to do after this?"
1) "This is awkward. I was hoping to take the fine lady into the bathroom while you took a runny deuce, sir."

Short Answer: This has happened to me. Except it was the ladies bathroom and I was making out with a dude while this chick was 'selecting a meatloaf' and...

(Bonus Top Ten List : Euphemisms for Pooping)

"Gimme a sec, guys. I've gotta go..."

10) Operate the playdoh factory
9) Spelunking for milk duds
8) Put something brown into something wet
7) Sit on the pottery wheel
6) Lure the ferret
5) Reheat the molasses
4) Roll a Cuban
3) Wrangle a chocolate hamster
2) Mix the toffee bits into the cinnamon brittle
1) Tar the roof

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Question: Am I wrong in assuming Nero was fun at parties?


Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus was a hoot and a half, by all accounts. He'd probably be the first to send a long line of malcontents under the limbo sword (including his own mother).

Also, he's the only Roman Emperor to kill himself, so there's a belly laugh right there.

He persecuted Christians. If that isn't a good time, I don't know what is. (It is claimed that he would burn Christians in his garden as a light source. Yea. Yea.)

But like any other Roman old dude, accounts of his tyranny, brutality and all-around dickhead-ishness are more than likely embellished. So who's to say? Nero might be that guy with a the red cup of half-drunken cider, alone in the corner, bobbing his head to music he doesn't like just to give the appearance that he fits in.

I suppose instead of going home and crying into his pillow, though, he'd just burn the shit out of Rome. (Note: Nero burned the shit out of room.)

Short Answer: I think Nero is a cool name.