Friday, August 31, 2012

Question: Why is George Michael awesome?

If you want to be blow away by stats, google his ass. (You won't be the first to do so.) Okay, got my gay joke out of the way. The answer to why George Michael is awesome:

Freedom 90
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
Careless Whisper
The Edge of Heaven
I Want Your Sex
One More Try
Too Funky
Father Figure
Praying for Time
Somebody to Love (Freddie Mercury Tribute)

Shit, if that isn't enough, I don't know what you gotta do to be awesome.

Short Answer: Too Funky is one of my favorite singles ever. This is not a joke. Please come back to my site.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Question: I need someone to videotape my new dance moves. Interested?

I bet you knew this would upset me. I also have some new dance moves, and was looking for someone to film them for me. Did you bug my house? Or do you have some sort of weird mutant power that allows you to feel the creation of new dance moves while creating your own? Do you groove and send out box step sonar? Are you copying my shit with your punch-dancing lateral line system, like a hungry shark? Can you sense the electricity around me? Do you wiggle your hips to the rhythm of me wiggling my hips? Are our pelvis's gyrating in time?

I'm getting excited. We might need a third party to film something else, if you know what I'm saying.

Short Answer: If you don't know what I'm saying, I'm suggesting that the asker of the question and I have sexual intercourse while someone films it. (Fingers crossed, lower lip bitten: "C'mon not a burly dude.")

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Question: What is the other white meat?

Well if it ain't babies and it ain't pork, I guess there are a lot of possibilities.

My balls
Your face
Your mom's face
Your own balls
Your wife's boobs
My wife's boobs
Your mom's balls
Your wife's stupid
Your mom's a whore
Your dad likes dudes
Prison sex stories around a campfire aren't normal

Did I take this question seriously? No.

Did I just answer a bonus question? Yes.

Did I just answer another bonus question? Yes.

Is this an infinite loop of bonus question answering? No.

Does your mom actually have balls? If she did, I'd still do sex with her open parts.

Was your dad actually in prison? He walks like he was.

Short Answer: Chicken.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Question: Can you explain traceticles?

If you know of them, then you probably know what they are so I don't know why you're asking me. Anyway, when you see a picture of balls that's so vibrant, so precise and so impressive, like just by looking at the drawing you can almost feel the pubes, then you might not be looking at free hand testicles.

They might be traceticles.

Short Answer: It's hard to draw your own nuts. Also hard to trace them without pen stabs or ink balls.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Question: Does this smell funny to you?

Dude! Get that out of my cyber face! What's wrong with you? Who does that?

Short Answer: It does smell a bit off.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Question: What's the question of the day today?

This is some subversive shit. Like a taste of my own medicine. What is the question of the day, askkeithanything? What would you ask if you were the one in the driver's seat, the designated asker as opposed to the soothsayer, purveyor of truths, advice monster that you normally are?

Let's give it a shot.

How did your thing go last night?

Wow. That wasn't as dynamic as I thought it was going to be. Let's try again.

When is that...when has it happened...before the...

Shit! This is way harder than I thought. Is this what you people have to go through to ask questions? I'm sorry for ever doubting you and calling you complete morons behind your backs.

What is a ladder?

Oh boy. I think I might be getting worse. Head starting to spin, blinking lights closing in on me, rage arousal eminent...

Short Answer: If I knew what all the questions were, I wouldn't be the one giving the answers, now, would I? (By the way, a ladder is that thing your Dad uses to get your frisbee back that isn't that cursing you out thing. And my thing went pretty well last night, as things go. There was a juggler.) Things!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Question: I'm writing my first screenplay. Any advice?

Stop. I don't want you crowding the marketplace with your pathetic dreams.

Now that I've got that out of my system, yes I have some advice.

Do it fast. Don't think too hard. Thinking too hard makes you slow, and slow kills momentum and then you end up among the 99 percent of people who attempt things likes novels and screenplays who never, ever finish. Your goal should be to finish it; nothing more. Later, if you become a master, you can have higher ambitions.

People think. "Hey, I could write a screenplay." Then they imagine they're going to write something incredible and everyone will want it. That will not happen. Also, these ambitions are too lofty and will allow doubt into your project slowing you down, momentum, no finish.

Your goal should be to finish. Simple as that. Get the first draft done; things can be change/cut/improved later.

Also, aim for about 100 pages. That gives you some leeway to cut the rambling crap you don't need. If it feels like you're going too long or too short, try not to worry about it too much. Again, that worry will kill your momentum.

And when I say fast, I'm not kidding. If you feel good about yourself because you're writing a screenplay, and you want that feeling for a long time, like a couple of years, you shouldn't be doing it. 'Cause you'll probably never finish.

Did I mention that finishing a first draft is everything? Think of it this way. If you actually complete a draft of a screenplay, you join an elite few. That should be your first and only ambition.

Short Answer: Plot some - not too much. Let character drive the story. It's like having helper monkeys. If your characters don't help inform where the story is going, you write shitty characters. Get a real job.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Question: I'm thinking a parrot may improve my image. Thoughts?

How much of a pirate are you?

And don't oversell it, okay; if you don't have a parrot already, you can't be that much of a pirate.

Peg leg? Eye patch? Giant hat? Bad teeth? Gumption? Lake of social skills? Lack of health insurance? Scurvy? Turned down leather boots? Cutlass skills?

Okay, maybe you're a pretty big pirate. But the only way a parrot is really going to help your image is if he says the right shit.

Top Ten Things You Should Train Your Parrot to Say if You Want to Improve Your Image

10) RAWRK! Go slow, it barely fits!
9) RAWRK! That's a shit load of booty!
8) RAWRK! A Pirate's life for (Your Name Here)!
7) RAWRK! You liked Tom Hardy since Nemesis?
6) RAWRK! I never thought I'd love again. Not like this. RAWRK! Not like this.
5) RAWRK! Waterbed.
4) RAWRK! I've never seen so many lotions in one cabinet.
3) RAWRK! I love you too, Mom.
2) RAWRK! That's too many orgasms. Too many...RAWRK! RAWRK! RAAAWWRKKK!
1) "Hello. Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted (and) my arms are open wide. Tell me how to win your heart. 'Cause I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying...I love you."

Short Answer: Unless your parrot says stuff like, "Who needs to wipe?" I think you're safe to assume that it will help your image.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Question: In this day and age, would a real Superman be welcome?

That's a complex scenario. At first, yes, because the world, by and large, believes we're going down the toilet and we need all the help we can get. But the idea of one man, better than the rest of us, is bound to develop into resentment and hatred pretty fucking fast. Like right after the first time he shoots through a bank robber with his laser vision and fries a newborn.

Superheroes in real life are hard to accept, but it is possible to suspend our disbelief just enough. (Christopher Nolan's Batman Trilogy anyone?) And if superheroes in real life are hard to accept, Superman is the most difficult of all. Because he is invincible, and can fly and all kinds of other ridiculous crap (like throwing the S off of his shirt: Superman 2 anyone?) that we would find hard to swallow in a realistic context. And there is no more realistic context than actual reality. Except, perhaps, mescalin.

Then the Americans would try to sign him to an exclusivity deal and they'd want to send him to Afghanistan...ugghh. Political nightmare.

Yet, having said all this, a benevolent protector would be alright. If we didn't already have one! He's called god, you morons, and he could kick Superman's ass. Because he has one power that Superman doesn't. The ability to love. That's right. Love. Oh yeah, and the raining sulfur thing. Oh, and the fact that he created everything so he probably has some kryptonite. Oh, and the beard. Love that god beard.

Short Answer: Did I use the term 'by and large' correctly? I've never tried that one on before.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Question: Was Caligula asking for it?

For those not in the know, Caligula was a Roman Emperor. He ruled from 37 AD to 41 AD, then his Super Pac let him down and he didn't have enough money to take a real good run at a second term.

Okay, some of that wasn't true.

What Caligula is most well known for is being a totally crazy ass. Most people think he fucked dogs and whipped baby brains into fluffy muffins, but it wasn't as bad as all that. Some say a lot of his perversity and propensity toward violence was a fabrication, and that all he was really guilty of was trying to increase his own power and spending shit tons of cash on huge construction projects.

In the end, he was assassinated, with the honor that goes along with being the first Roman Emperor to be disposed in that fashion. So at least he was a trendsetter.

One thing that was interesting to my mind about Caligula was that he started the invasion of Britannia, completed (or one might argue, never quite completed) by his successors.

At first he seemed alright. He set up gladiator battles, helped people with over-taxation, welcomed exiles home, gave prizes out to the public at events and restored the practice of democratic elections.

After a couple of years, things started to go south. There was a financial crisis in Rome, as well as a famine, and some claim that it was Caligula's extravagances that brought about both. Caligula asked the public for money, auctioned gladiator's lives in the arena and began taxing prostitution and marriage.

Then he built a whole lot of arguably/blatantly unnecessary stuff and started appearing in public dressed as various gods, claiming a sort of divinity.

Oops. Then he killed some senators, did something with olive oil probably, ate a pizza and put his fist in something strange. Most of this is probably true.

Some instances of his cruelty as recorded by various dopes:

sister incest
putting a whole section of spectators into the arena to be eaten by animals
fornicating with men's wives, everything else
appointed his horse as a priest

You get the idea.

Eventually, a bunch of people stabbed his ass Caesar style and he got dead.

Did he deserve it? My instinct is no. A lot of these acts are unsupported, and we all know that History, that fickle bitch, can make monsters and legends at her prickly whim. I'm sure there was some abuse of power there, as there tends to be, but to assume he did these heinous acts, enough to necessitate an assassination? I can't quite go so far.

Short Answer: Caligula is not the first, nor will he be the last of the historical figures to be painted in such a light. Pop culture gets ahold of things, Malcolm McDowell suits up, and we all think of the poor chap as a cackling fistfucker. I assume, like many atrocities that are overblown, Caligula's reign was more nuanced than that.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Question: Is there an unholy diver? (Top Ten Tony Scott Films)

I'm not even trying to make a joke. But I literally just found out that Tony Scott killed himself by jumping off a bridge, and then I read this question less than five minutes later. I can't just let that go, right? I mean, that's gotta be shared.

(In case it's unclear, the question came in without the (Top Ten Tony Scott Films) part.)

So I'm gonna treat this like a little homage, and answer it the way I want.

Top Ten Tony Scott Films

10) Days of Thunder (1990) In my mind, a classic sports movie, with awesome awesomeness and sweet Nascar-style names. Russ Wheeler? Cole Trickle?
9) One More Try George Michael Video - Yea, I know it's not a movie. George Michael rules.
8) Spy Game (2001) Starring Robert Redford and baby Robert Redford.
7) Deja Vu (2006) I've often recommended this film to people for no one seems to have seen it. I won't say a word, it's a great movie to go into not knowing what you're going into. A better film than most of its counterparts over the past ten or so years.
6) Unstoppable (2010) In many ways, this to me is the definitive Tony Scott movie. Something about the intensity and the execution, the clear visuals, the simple story, the heart racing pace. And of course, always Denzel.
5) Crimson Tide (1995) Funny, I passed on this movie for years, thinking it was a lesser Hunt for Red October. Not the case. Angry guys yelling  - Gene Hackman among them.
4) Beverly Hills Cop 2 (1987) Long tauted as one of the most successful R rated comedies of all time. This one kinda speaks for itself. Eddie Murphy back when he did stuff. I swear kids, the time existed.
3) The Hunger (1983) This is crazy. I'm a Horror buff, and even though I've spoken about this movie on the blog before, it never really registered (or I forgot, or never knew) that Tony Scott directed it. Lesbian vampire scene! Tony, you were the man!
2) Top Gun (1986) I don't know what the genre is called, but Top Gun is the best movie in it. So memorable, so quotable. Everyone likes this movie. "Talk to me, Goose."
1) True Romance (1993) Tony Scott behind the lens with a Tarantino script. Too bad this didn't happen more often. One of my favorite scenes in movie history (yes, even higher than the Sarandon/Denueve coupling in The Hunger) is the interrogation between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper.

Short Answer: You'll be missed, Mr. Scott.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Question: Make-up some funny movie sequels, monkey.

Paul Blart Sharts
Piranha 1D
The Godfather 4: Back to School!
Last of the Mohicans 2: We Counted Wrong
Invasion of the Body Snatchers 2: More Snatch
Death Race 2000 2: Death Racier
White Fang Again
Purple Rain 2: Gayer Motorcycle
Reservoir Dogs: Reservoir Puppies
Fried Green Tomatoes 2: Fat Assed Ladies
Reality Bites 2: Vampire Holocaust
Pearl Harbor 2: Nagasaki
The Princess Bride: The Hooker Years
Zoolander 2: Listen to Billy Zane
Mystic Pizza: False Advertising
Rosemary's Baby 2: The Hooker Years
Rosemary's Baby 3: Back to School!
Rosemary's Baby 4: In Da Hood
Titanic: The Grover Cut (Near, Far...Wherever)
Rob Roy's Christmas Vacation
Encino Man 2: Brendan Fraser's Career is Over
Brokeback Mountain: Back to Mounting
Black Swan 2: Iron Eagle
Iron Eagle 3: Black Swan Down
Dodge Ball 2: Bigger Dodges (Same-Sized Balls)
Sixth Sense 3D: I See Dead People Coming Right At Me
It's A Wonderful Life 2: Clarence Takes a Mail Order Bride
Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud
Tropic Thunder 2: Black Face

Short Answer: That'll do, me. That'll do. (Babe 3: Midget in a Pig Suit)

Friday, August 17, 2012

Question: How do you stay motivated?


I treat every task I have to do each day like a problem that needs to be solved. Until I solve that problem, it stresses me out; so I have to do things to relieve that stress. I know stress is bad and it's a killer, so I work hard to finish my tasks so I can relax.

I do not recommend this method. If you can motivate yourself in any other way, please do.

Another thing that keeps me motivated is the possibility of failure. Fear motivates me. My ambition to not be a sack of shit motivates me.

In general, not achieving things is a great motivator. It also separates the committed from the ones who give up to avoid being committed. When it comes to artistic endeavours, the only thing you can rely on, the only factor that you can control, is sticking with it. If you don't ever stop, eventually, you have to succeed.

Short Answer: Or die. Then it won't matter anyway. I'd rather pursue an ambition my entire life then tell a sad story of how I once tried, failed, and moved on. (We're talking big ambitions, here; dreams. Not, "I'd like a blizzard but I'm too lazy to walk and get one.")

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Question: What are the 50 greatest Science Fiction movies of all time?

Holy shit. I thought we were friends. I assumed there was a line that we would not cross, one drawn in courtesy and trust, one that once stepped over, could lead to the end of all things; not just for you and I, but all men, women and children who know that the hardest questions must be swallowed down, laid to rest deep in our gullets so that we never have to face our darkest fears.

That being said:

Science Fiction is a tough category. There may be less great Science Fiction than any other genre. I think if you went further than seventy-five, you'd be hitting some dregs. Anyway, if you're wondering why certain movies aren't on my list, it's probably because, despite sci-fi elements, they felt too much like Horror movies. A good example would be Alien, another would be The Thing, yet another would be The Fly. If the sci-fi movie that you love isn't on here and it's not a Horror movie, then it's just that your opinion is wrong. (Also, I believe comic book movies to be their own genre now, so no capes. Oh, and no animation.)

The 50 Greatest Science Fiction Movies

50) Equilibrium (2002) - Christian Bale and samurai swords in dystopian future. Yes please.
49) Twelve Monkeys (1995) - Gilliam nonsense with Pitt's best.
48) Logan's Run (1976) - Best to be high; movie is totally nuts.
47) Barbarella (1968) - Ditto Logan's run with the addition of zero g Fonda nudity.
46) Big Trouble in Little China (1986) - Maybe the best film ever made.
45) Return of the Jedi (1983) - Not as bad as people say.
44) Signs (2002) - Oops. You thought this was just Shyamalan fucking up? Watch again.
43) Solaris (2002) - Good remake, if slow.
42) Jurassic Park (1993) - Personally, I don't think of dinosaurs as sci-fi. Almost didn't make the list.
41) Total Recall (1990) - Kuatos for everyone!
40) A Trip to the Moon (1902) - Hugo sucks.
39) Primer (2004) - I don't even understand this movie.
38) Dune (1984) - First time, bad. Gets a little better each time.
37) Altered States (1980) - You might need drugs again.
36) Serenity (2005) - Never watched Firefly. Loved Serenity. Must be good.
35) Gattaca (1997) - Thought this one might get higher. Still real tight.
34) Westworld (1973) - Yul Brynner as a robot gone haywire. Awesome.
33) Escape from New York (1981) - John Carpenter is my hero.
32) Dark City (1998) - Underrated. Very atmospheric and moody.
31) The Fountain (2006) - Loved it! Aronofsky is better than you thought.
30) The Andromeda Strain (1971) - Slow but effective.
29) The Road Warrior (1981) - Don't be scared, this movie isn't just for fetishists.
28) Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) - Basically an actioner with a lot of sci-fi background (and Guns 'N' Roses).
27) Metropolis (1927) - Yea, it's really good.
26) Back to the Future (1985) - Could be higher. Straight up fun.
25) Star Trek (2009) - No one thought the remake would be that good.
24) Soylent Green (1973) - Lives up to the hype. Count how many times Heston plays with his neckerchief.
23) Predator (1987) - Fuck yea! Anyone else take a shit when he shows his real face?
22) Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - Never my bag. Gotta give it props, though.
21) Moon (2009) - Thanks, David Bowie's loins.
20) E.T. (1982) - Put this so far back so you can compare every movie that follows and think I'm an idiot.
19) La Jetee (1962) - Incredible, still shot french film that really inspired me when I first saw it. (Inspired me to order a Royale w/cheese at Macdonald's.)
18) The Fifth Element (1997) - Gary Oldman!
17) Star Wars (1977) - I refuse to call this movie by that other name.
16) Star Trek: First Contact (1996) - Somehow underrated. Incredible film. "The line must be drawn here!"
15) Planet of the Apes (1968) - Speaks for itself. Damn dirty apes.
14) Solaris (1972) - Film great Tarkovskiy giving everyone a free lesson.
13) Inception (2010) - Nolan's movies feel so real, I almost didn't register this as sci-fi.
12) 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - Drugs. Heavy ones.
11) The Abyss (1989) - My wife loves this movie. This one's for you, Tits!
10) Robocop (1987) - This is not a joke, people. I love this movie and think it's genuinely excellent. Besides a few shotty graphics, it really holds up. Unlike Starship Troopers, this Verhoeven masterpiece has just the right amount of silly-poignancy. Again, this is no joke. Robocop is fucking great.
9) Minority Report (2002) A Philip K. Dick story directed by Steven Spielberg, this movie gives an incredibly well-researched look into our future (besides the part about pre-crime and psychics and shit.) Some don't like it's noir leanings, but I find it combines the best of many genres.
8) The Matrix (1999) I think of The Matrix primarily as an action movie, but its sci-fi elements are the core of the film. This movie took every one's breath away, and is a wonderful advertisement for not giving your whole movie away in your advertisements.
7) District 9 (2009) Sometimes heavy-handedness is appropriate. An allegory of apartheid (and segregation everywhere) this movie hits all notes as a stellar film and a great entry into the canon of thought-provoking science-fiction.
6) The Empire Strikes Back (1980) - Clearly the best Star Wars film. Not much need be said about this movie. It holds up after thirty years, despite whatever Lucas is changing this month.
5) Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (1982) - The greatest sequel ever to a movie that wasn't all that good. Deserves to be higher on most lists, but is hurt by its sequel status unfairly. Khaaaaannn!!!!
4) Stargate (1994) Don't adjust your televisions. This is no more a joke than Robocop was. Stargate is an excellent film that delivers everything one could want from a Science Fiction film experience. James Spader in perhaps his last great movie role, and Kurt Russel perfectly cast, and dare I say Roland Emmerich's best film by a long ways.
3) Aliens (1986) I think of Alien as a Horror movie and Aliens as an Action movie, but quite obviously (spoiler alert) there are aliens in them. I wouldn't get into a lengthy argument with someone who claimed that Alien should be on this list - and it would be near the top if it was. But I made a choice to leave it off and the criteria I used didn't apply to the sequel. Aliens deserves to be here, no doubt.
2) Blade Runner (1982) If a writer or a director, intent on taking a run at the genre, doesn't have time to read a lot of Phillip K. Dick or William Gibson, they need just watch Blade Runner to soak up all the atmosphere they'll need. The movie is like everything that's good about dystopian, futuristic Science Fiction, with none of the bad. Harrison Ford is perfect. Rutger Hauer is at his best (by far). If you've only seen the theatrical release, by the way, get the director's cut or the final cut or you haven't really seen Blade Runner at all.
1) A Clockwork Orange (1971) Can you say bias? A Clockwork Orange is my favorite movie of all time. Any genre. And yes, it falls under Science Fiction. Sorry to disappoint, or if you're a fan, sorry to high five you so hard over the internets that we're booth bleeding from our nail beds! (Book's good, too.)

Short Answer: I'm not going to do any honorable mentions this time, though I'm sure the minute I post this I'll remember a film and kick myself in the face.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Question: Red ants or black ants?

I usually dance so effectively the first time, I rarely ever have to re-dance!

(This, sadly, would've been the scope of my entire answer if only I could have come up with something similarly terrible for black ants. Alas...)

I think I like black ants more because red ants sometimes have that bulbous red part that looks like a light bulb under a sheet, or the inside of a baby's head. Plus, I think that some of the ants that have red on them are the ones that bite you hard enough to make you slippery up your downstairs.

(Slippery Up Your Downstairs is also the name of my 80's rap album. On the cover, I'm wearing a flashy white jacket, fingerless gloves, and it looks like I'm telling you to 'slow down'.)

I know that fire ants are bitches, and they look red. Then again, the bullet ant, aptly named because its bite feels like a gunshot, is black. So I guess they're all bitches.

I'd take black ants in a pinch (nuck-nuck-nuck), but for me, six legs is pretty fine all around. It's the extra two legs that get my back up.

Short Answer: Two Legs That Get My Back Up was the name of my follow up album.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Question: Do you think those who defect during the olympics became olympic athletes for that reason?

You know what's funny? It took me like four reads to understand what this question was asking. Assuming that I've got it now, of course.

Olympic athletes are like hamburgers.

Just kidding.

(It's okay to write just kidding, but you shouldn't say just kidding. If people don't know it's a joke, you probably told it wrong. It's like not using adverbs to describe how a character says something. Your characters should be strong enough that when they speak, the reader knows how the words have been delivered. Speaking of delivery, I like pizza.)

Undoubtedly, every single athlete that has ever defected during the Olympics became in athlete in the first place in order to defect from their country. Despite the fact that becoming a world class athlete takes your whole life and you don't often know where the Olympics are going to be that far in advance. They just wing it, figure, "Hey, if we don't like Beijing, we can always spend another four years in misery and hope for the best! We've got a lot of hope in our shitty country, right? No. Oh."

(It actually takes about six years to figure out where an Olympics is going to be from the point of application. Fun fact, fuckers.)

If you're a little Burzakistanian gymnast, you've probably been doing it since you were six or eight. That's ten years or so of plotting, planning and round-offs. Tough task for a little girl. And yet, they do it. They become very opinionated, whilst nailing beam routine after beam routine, about the geo-political nature of their countries involvement in world affairs, how their country handles the economic ebbs and flows, and which country they'd like to go to so they can easily access Starbucks.

Short Answer: I'm getting the sarcasm sweats. Gotta stop.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Question: Are there foods ethnic people should avoid and why?

Hmmm. This is a tough one, because I want to be as racist as possible, yet I find myself enjoying the food of the ethnics on a very regular basis. If there's one area where I have plentiful amounts of respect for those who are not like me, it's in the area of tasty treats.

For example: Mexicans are lazy. Great tacos.

I guess the food they should avoid is food that would make them want to rise up against their evil white oppressors.


I don't know. Perhaps bland white person food, like boiled potatoes and potatoes mess with their entrails the same way an hour old, congealing shawarma can mess with mine, but who's to say? I'd think if you're used to spicy business, no food could mess you up.

Wait. I've got one. Jews should avoid pork. 'Cause if they ate it then they'd be all happy and wouldn't be able to complain all the time. Bacon cures bitchy.

Short Answer: It's okay, everyone. I'm allowed to make fun of Mexicans and Jews because I love tacos and I once heard a Bat Mitzvah next door when I was curling. (In case you're still angry, my wife is a Mexi-Jew. Just picture a young woman with a beard and a Yarmulke standing in line at Taco Time.)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Question: My wife excels at fencing, should I be worried?

Only if she's got a strap-on tucked away somewhere. And by tucked away somewhere I mean...

Seriously, the only way you could be in trouble due to your wife's 'good aim' and 'binding skills' and 'thrust' are if you're on all fours and she's pegging up somethin' fierce. Then again, if you've gone that far, you probably wouldn't want  her to miss, or you'll get a greased up dong in the back of the junk, and that hurts balls and pride.

This got a little dirty. My apologies. Let me try again.

If your wife is good at sticking things into people, watch your bum hole.

Short Answer: Much better.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Question: You're a bartender for a day, what new cocktails would you create & what would they be called?

New Cocktails:

The Sweet Pea - Glass of water with a booger in it.
Rise with the Sun - Orange juice, vodka, a raw egg and a piece of raw pork fat.
Mint Chip - Kahlua, creme de menthe, vodka and milk.
Pink Floyd - Cranberry juice, Hendricks gin, seven up and lemonade
The Carbon - Guinness and diet coke
Gay Bone - Stella Artois with a fresh cherry at the bottom
Up the Dumper - Orange vodka, Purplesaurus rex kool aid, hanging cloud of chocolate syrup
The Malt Shoppe - Vanilla Ice cream, amaretto, vodka, malt stuff
First Period - Blood orange syrup, bitters, club soda and a stalk of white asparagus
Alien Nation - Milk past its due date, ounce of dark rum, whipped cream
Enemy Mine - White rum and spiced rum and graham cracker crumbs
Death and the Maiden - Jagermeister and Goldschlager, cupped fart

Short Answer: Some of these would probably be good. Try them all and find out which ones!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Question: Is there anything that isn't creepy when whispered?

Top Ten Things That Aren't Creepy When Whispered

10) 'Ow! That's the wrong hole.'
9) 'Daddy went out for smokes.'
8) 'Shhhhh!'
7) 'Don't wake the dog.'
6) 'Did you hear that?'
5) 'If you don't go to sleep, Santa won't come.'
4) 'Turn off your fucking cell-phone!'
3) 'He was such an able gymnast - you know, before the accident.'
2) 'Why are we whispering?'
1) 'Get up there. It's your turn to read from the Torah.'

Short Answer: Creepiest thing ever whispered? 'Clowns can smell tears on your breath.'

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Question: I just go my hair done. Am I ready to party down?

You get your hair did, first of all. And yes, of the many criteria involved in being truly ready to party down, getting your hair did is surely one of them. Here are the rest. A checklist, if you will.

Got your hair did? Check.
Got paid?
Wanna get your drink on?
Lookin' for some booty?
Need to hook up?
Ready to let things off the hook/hizzy?
Got drugs?
Organized a ride home?
Fastened a razor blade to your inner thigh in case someone wants to get fresh?
Night Court re-runs on your Blackberry?
Loss of focus?

Short Answer: I am almost never ready to party down. I'm not even sure if people still do that. I think they just party, which I thought meant 'smoke weed' but now it's different. It's probably indicative of the lack of weed being smoked. Is that because of rave drugs, like ecstasy? Do I sound old? Maybe I should get my hair did.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Question: Do you ever wonder why?

Do I Ever Wonder:

Why Go Dog Go makes me laugh? No
Why masturbation makes you sore? Yes
Why greed runs the world? Yes
Why ice cream is so cold? Yes
Why ferris wheels don't seem to ferris? No
Why dreams are so potent? Yes
Why I can curl a soccer ball? No
Why Abe Vigoda wasn't cast as Doc Brown? Yes
Why Kipky isn't a more popular name? Yes
Why the abacus went out of style? Yes
Why dancing makes you want to take your pants off? No
Why carbonation makes you feel good? No
Why New Order doesn't have a statue somewhere? Yes
Why everyone doesn't love professional wrestling? Yes
Why people think memory and knowledge are equal to smart? Yes
Why Gary Oldman is the best actor on the planet? No
Why sword fighting isn't more popular? Yes
Why boobs are so great? No
Why I love the people I love? No
Why I dislike everyone else? Yes

Short Answer: Oh yea. See how I brought it around at the end! Boom! This shit is educational, too, assholes.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Question: Why are man pony tails coming back?

I think the climate of assuming that a man with a pony tail is trying to be the next great white ninja is finally at an end. A pony tail no longer means you own a gi, or can spout very select passages of the I-Ching or the Art of War.

It also doesn't necessarily mean that you're having a midlife crisis anymore. We can live out a lot of our fantasies, the ones that would be associated with a crisis, in virtual worlds. Cars, women, all that's covered. But putting a pony tail on your Sims or Second Life character just isn't as gratifying as letting that puppy fly in real life.

It's possible that long hair is still associated with hippie style peace, and because the media keeps telling us we're at war all the time, maybe the hair gets longer in protest. Eventually, that long hair needs a wash, and who among us wouldn't rather tie that bad boy up rather than bathe, huh? Not like we have to get the lice off. Or the bed bugs. Or the mites. Or the ticks. Or the filth of day to day existence, as we toil in the sewage of each other's hatred and bile, wishing that some day, any day, someone will come along and put us out of our misery.

Don't take the pony tail away! Please, for the love of all that's holy, it's our last bastion of freedom!

Short Answer: Last time I had long hair, I wore a pony tail once. For one day. And I was made fun of mercilessly.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Question: Is there a cure for Fencrotch?

The treatment is inherent in the name (for once - I'm looking at you, gonorrhea).

First you need to find a wooded area, free of woodland creatures, preferably one near a glen or a brook. Then, with utmost caution, proceed to finding and collecting any sort of flower, stem, weed or shrubbery that has grown in the shape of genitals. Don't worry, the genitals do not have to match the genitals of the person suffering from fencrotch (or flamenads, whatever you call it in your neck of the woods.) To clarify, a flower that looks like a vagina is just as likely to cure a man's fencrotch as a penis lilly is.

Once you've collected all of the plants, it's best to mush them up with an oldy time mortar and pestle. Towards the end of the process, add a SHITLOAD of anti-biotics.

Short Answer: I had flamenads on my face once.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Question: Why do purples fly?

Because of how many drugs you're on.

If you weren't really high you'd notice that it is actually you who is flying, not the purples. Purples tend to settle on or near the ground.

So stop flying.

Short Answer: The purples are coming to get you!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Question: How 'bout that badminton scandal in the Olympics, huh?


You know what was the worst for me? Not just that the teams were trying to lose to avoid playing a particular opponent, but that they were so friggin' bad at faking it.

They just served into the net over and over again, standing there looking like someone yarfed in their cereal. I honestly think they didn't deserve to go any further in the tournament because if you're that bad at pretending to lose in a sport, you must not be very good at the sport.

Seriously, imagine whatever sport you played in your life the most, and think about how you would throw a game. You'd have some strategies, right? You'd take a little off here, make sure your positioning was bad there, maybe fake an injury or two.

Now I'm not condoning cheating, in fact, I don't see the point of cheating at all. But I'm not going to soapbox. If you want to cheat, if you're that kind of douche bag, at least put a little effort in next time.

Short Answer: Luckily, the Olympic spirit is rarely vanquished so effectively. And their federation responded quickly and decisively, which is nice. (Also, they actually had a clause in their 'mission thingy' that you have to try to win. Nice! Pathetic that humans need that kind of shit, but nice. Took all the back and forth about 'trying to lose as a legitimate strategy' out of the equation. (I also thought it was funny that the news referred to this as match-fixing. I was expecting mob involvement; but it was just some little Asian women tanking hard.)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Question: Should we be worried about the 2012 election?

You probably want a political answer. Luckily, what I want is all that matters.

You should never be worried about elections. Not until you have an actual democracy where you have some real say in who is elected and they have to be qualified to a base level of governance. Instead, you'll be voting for possibly under qualified jackasses that if you met in real life would thing are under qualified jackasses.

Sure, Obama seemed cool. But how cool can you be at a party full of wet noodles?

You shouldn't be worried. Policy will be made by lobbyists and contributors and anyone else the elected official is beholden to.

What? This is a political answer?


Short Answer: I guess it is possible the Romney will strip the country for spare parts...and begin worrying in 3, 2, 1...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Question: Clean-shaven, mustache or beard?

My face: beard
Tom Selleck's face: mustache
My wife's vagina: clean-shaven
The Seventies: mustache
Pretending to be straight: beard
A middle-aged woman's vagina: mustache
My balls: clean-shaven
Old woman's vagina: beard
Bad translation of the phrase 'freshly mowed' from an Asian dialect: clean-shaven
My wife's vagina in a Tom Selleck lookalike contest: mustache

Short Answer: I've had a beard since I was a teenager - I think mustaches are for little girls.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Question: What's your favorite pop song right now?

Errrr...that Men at Work one is good.

I assume this question is asked with a little tongue in a little cheek - so fuck you! I listen to pop music all the time, bitches!

Ask Keith Anything loves fuckin' pop music!

Yea! Yea! Yea!

(Those are to be read slowly with a growly voice, not quick together like a cheer.)

Okay in all seriousness, I just went to to look at their top 100 - just for a reminder, I swear - and I only knew the number one song, that Call Me Maybe song, because Jimmy Fallon and the Roots did it on the late night TV.

Give me a sec, I'll find one I like. Back in a jiffy.

(Muzak version of Toxic by Brittney Spears plays)

Okay, I'm through twenty. Recognized a few...Jesus, is this what music is now?

Alright (panting) I got it. #59 is Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men, and even though it's already been licenced commercially four hundred times, I like that song.

Short Answer: I think my favorite pop song right now is still the same that it was when I was a kid. Eternal Flame by the Bangles.