Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Question: Do you have exceptional dreams?

Funny that you'd ask. I just learned last night that being naked in dreams is a form of anxiety, that it means you're afraid of the humiliation of being exposed.

Thanks Pop-Up Video. I missed you.

I'm naked in dreams a bunch, but I always thought it was hilarious. Sometimes I wake up with this really tangible desire to run outside naked. I even get up sometimes, get a few steps into the process before I realize what I'm doing.

I think I do have exceptional dreams, I do. The thing is, that's because whenever anyone tells you about their dreams, it's exceptionally boring. We all think our own dreams are awesome. But they're very personal to us, so as a rule, I'd suggest everyone shut the hell up, or at least keep it to two sentences, preferably a short one and a long one.

Example:

You: I had a wicked dream last night.
Me: Oh yeah? (Notice how I don't ask to hear about it)
You: Playmate of the year and me bought a yacht. Surrounded by dolphin-clowns.
Me: Fair enough.

Short Answer: I hate those dreams that come with an emotion, and then when you wake up, you can't shake that emotion or you yell at your cat.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Question: Was Ptolemy right?

No. None of those old fuckers were ever right. But they did stuff that other old fuckers could build on, and then newer fuckers built on that, and now modern fuckers build on that.

The most interesting thing about this concept is that no one is right. We're still learning things about how everything relates to everything, still debunking theories that were accepted for hundreds of years.

There should be a word that can be easily applied to history that means 'as right as you're gonna get at the time'. Let's use poopy as an example.

"His work didn't hold up for more than a century, but he was awfully poopy."

Short Answer: Ptolemy was poopy.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Question: Have you ever won an Olympic medal?

Yes.

Three golds, two silvers and one bronze.

Bronze Medal - Lying about winning medals
Silver Medal - Functional Penis, Bent
Silver Medal - Noticeable Ball Scrape, Hurdles
Gold Medal - Changing My Route Home to Stay Behind Girl in Yoga Pants, 3 Kilometres
Gold Medal - Channing Tatum Un-lookalike Contest
Gold Medal - Angriest at someone for saying "I'm a good judge of character"

Short Answer: I also finished fourth in the Eating a Hot Dog While Pooping and Imagining It's Going In the Same Time It's Coming Out event. I just have trouble eating on the terlet.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Question: How do I explain to someone that a fear of flour is not an 'actual phobia'?

What is the scenario you find yourself in that dictates to you that you must make it perfectly clear to someone that, though you're afraid of something, it isn't a phobia?

Are you on some Japanese game show where if it turns out if you have a phobia you get hung upside down and nipple clamped by two live, pink dyed, giant crabs?

"It's...A...Phobia!"

And flour? If you're scared of flour at all you might as well stop protesting against any accusations, phobia related or otherwise, 'cause you are a legitimate tailed freak. Flour? Really?

Oh no! This turns into bread! It comes from wheat! How do they do that? I wet myself again.

The only possible scenario I can come up with is that your friends are practical jokers and you're trying to let them know that it's okay to prank you with flour, because unlike, say, enclosed spaces, you're just scared - you won't pass out or die or poop your skirt if they hit you with a bag of flour. (This 'prank' of hitting you with a bag of flour is the level I'm assuming your friends operate on based on the question you've posed.)

Look, I don't often apologize, but I'd like to say I'm sorry in advance if you were ever raped by flour, or if your dad was attacked by flour, or if flour made fun of you as a child. I know things can be tough. That's where the term 'flour tough' comes from. Oh, wait. There isn't a term like that, 'cause it would be epically stupid.

Short Answer: "It's a phobia! Time foru wet bandaid charrenge!"




Friday, July 27, 2012

Question: Is Muntry a viable name for a newborn?

Yes, but not on its own. It must be paired with something else, a sauce, to bring the dish together. (Sorry, I haven't eaten yet today.)

Here's a free list.

Full names that make the name Muntry viable for a newborn

Muntry Carbunkle
Muntry Muntry-Ballsack
Eloise Muntry the Third, Esquire
Muntry Anne Billingsworth
Muntry Lately
Muntry, The Great Baldini
The Muntry at the end of this book
For King and Muntry
The Pernicious Muntry
Muntry O'Hallorahan Eps

Short Answer: There might be a few more, but I doubt it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Question: Do you remember "Canfield's Diet Chocolate Fudge Soda"? I wonder where (or if) I could get my hands on some. It was awful.

I had never heard of this one. Sounds incredible. I love weird sodies, but have not had the opportunity to partake in this particular one.

And yes, it still exists. The Dr. Pepper Snapple company owns it and still produces it.

To me it sounds a bit like the oldey time tonics, the original soda drinks. You just have to put doctor at the beginning.

"Dr. Canfields Diet Chocolate Fudge, the elixir of the gods, keeps hair on your head and hair off your back, fills you with vigor, and keeps mosquitoes at bay. Tells times, says I love you and tucks you into bed at night. Comes free with the squirts. It's what's in Al Capone's vault!"

Short Answer: I'll bet you could make a good BBQ sauce out of it.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Question: I recently read an interesting article about the challenges associated with the long-term storage of nuclear waste. If you were asked to help design a system of warning messages that had to last at least 10,000 years, what approach would you take?

Probably a hulu girl with a little red flag, and on the flag there'd be a picture of a middle finger.

Short Answer: I assume anyone approaching would exclaim, "Well, I never", and return home. The offence taken would keep generations of their family from the site.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Question: You're funny. What IS Funny? Inquiring minds want to know.

I'm not just gonna tell you. Then a whole bunch of people, including me, would be out of work. We'd have to go back to clowning and petty theft of innocence.

So instead of answering outright and giving away trade secrets, I'll just give you a bunch of stuff, off the top of my head. You can put your picture together from there.

What Is Funny

1) An old lady voraciously eating a twizzler
2) Salt shaking competitions - sexy bikini division
3) Puns
4) Saying, "Hat's off to you" and then pretending to tip your hat
5) Actual elbow grease
6) Dog farts
7) Junk mail, the physical variety
8) Exercise videos with any sort of Latin flare
9) Woodstock from the Peanuts
10) The name Toby
11) Boobs that look like testicles
12) Confusion and high socks at the same time
13) How often guys touch their crotches
14) Saying blatantly ironic shit and not realizing it
15) Polka dots
16) The theme song from the show Curb Your Enthusiasm
17) Lab rats
18) Newly discovered wetness
19) Falling out of frame
20) Saying, "I'm okay" soon after being badly injured

Short Answer: To start to figure out the mystery of comedy, try combining a few of these things. Like a lab rat that's dressed up like Woodstock. Or saying, with gesture, "Hat's off to you" when a dog farts. Try a relevant pun before falling out of frame. A samba exercise video wherein someone shakes their hips a little too much, and realizes they've got new wetness down below. The theme from Curb playing in the background, while a man is confused about his junk mail, while wearing high socks and having man boobs that look like testicles and polka dot boxers. Then someone off frame yells, "Toby! Is that the mail?" Then he looks up, scratching idly at his crotch. You get the idea.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Question: Is the publishing industry frightened because they no longer know what will sell?

I don't have a clue what goes on with the publishing industry. For all I know, it's a bunch of meat headed trolls squeezing fairy blood into their gaping maws, screeching, bleeding fairies clenched in their claws all the while.

I try not to worry about it too much. I writes my stuff, and I writes it as good as I can. I sends it out. What else is there? To try to get into the mind of those who reject my advances would be a futile, devastating practise. I need to save my energy, use it to stay positive and continue learning the craft.

Besides, if I say something nasty about them, they might find me and paper cut my cat to death.

Aside: This is a diversionary tactic. I don't have a cat. Wink!

Short Answer: Publishers do read asides? Son of a...

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Question: With The Dark Knight Rises approaching rapidly, who are your favorite Batman villains?

Batman has such an incredible rogue's gallery that I quickly realized here that it would be hard to be creative or interesting in my answers. I have a few of the lesser favorites in mind, but quite simply, they are overshadowed by the greats. Batman has the best villains in the history of comics, which aids him in his status as best superhero ever.


Favorite Batman Villains


10) Bane - Though portrayed as a ridiculous twerp in Schumacher's abortion, the character of Bane is not only a great one, he is integral to the Batman's mythos. The famous Bane story, Knightfall, is considered one of the best ever.

9) Black Mask - There have been two black masks. The second is the one I'm most familiar with, and in truth, I'm not sure there's even a good reason that I like him. It's just that so many of Batman's bad guys are affiliated with the criminal underworld. I like Black Mask the best because he wears a mask, and he looks cools, and he seems like a badass. (As opposed to The Penguin who strikes me as weasly little dude trying to get away with stuff.) Black Mask is a badass. A crazy one.

8) Clayface - There have been a bunch of Clayfaces as well. What I like about this particular villain is that in Gotham, most bad guys are crazy assholes in costume or straight up crime lords. Clayface is a real super villain, hideous, deformed, powered. Anytime Batman can't punch someone up, that causes some good ruckus. (see also - Killer Croc)

7) Poison Ivy - She's here because of hotness. Poision Ivy would be drawn naked in a perfect world, and some artists try to do that with conveniently placed vineage. Quite simply, I like bat books that have Poison Ivy in the pages. (She's not as mouthy as Harley Quinn, and not as ambiguous a villain as Catwoman.)

6) The Riddler - Depending on who writes him, The Riddler can suck. Some people write the Joker and The Riddler as almost identical characters. But there's a certain silliness, and weakness and playfulness in The Riddler that is quite charming when done correctly. These are rare traits for a super villain.

5) Scarecrow - I must admit, though I always liked the look of the Scarecrow, it wasn't until Nolan's movies that I fell in love. The idea of someone using fear to overcome, fear that he, not you, is in control of, does it for me big time. Thanks, Jungian archetypes.

4) Two-Face - Only a half-villain, really, but the fact that he makes decisions based on chance, turns the other side into a chaotic menace, capable of the worst kinds of destruction. A simple idea, good man turned bad, scarred physically and permanently by the Batman. Two-Face, in my mind, is the go to villain in Gotham, whenever you need someone to fuck things up right.

3) Jason Todd - Here's the wrench! I love Jason Todd. If you haven't read the story of his return, I highly recommend it. It's a great parallel to Bruce's origin story, as Jason returns, wanting revenge on the Batman for not saving him from the maniacal Joker. With vengeance in his heart, he is trained by the League of Assassins, and then uses his knowledge of Batman's habits to become better than the Bat. He turns anti-hero eventually, but for a brief moment, Jason Todd is more of a threat to Batman than possibly anyone else has ever been.

2) Ra's Al Ghul - Every good hero needs a mirror villain. Not someone on the opposite side of things, but someone who sees things the same way. Someone who is similar enough that when push comes to shove, neither really knows who will come out on top. There's a respect between Ra's and his Detective - and though we believe Batman the better man, sometimes it's hard not to cheer for the bad guy.

1) The Joker - The idea is simple. The Joker loves the Batman. Can't get enough of him. If he wasn't trying to kill him, he'd be bored. And thus, the dance, one that goes on and on, between two men who hate each other to the core, but their own twisted ideals won't allow either to put a stop to the music. If The Joker wasn't the most iconic villain in all of comic book-dom before, Heath Ledger made it so forever.

Short Answer: I'm a big fan of some other Bat villains, but some of them have such complexity, that I doubt whether they're actually villains at all. That's awesome.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Question: Does evil exist?

Hmmm...

Stupidity exists. Self-absorption exists. Situational morality exists.

The world is a tough cookie.

But Evil? Like capital e Evil?

No. Most of the time, what we consider an evil act is a desperate move by a very unhealthy person. Other times, evil takes the form of passionate outbursts, loss of control. In my mind, any time an act can be understood based on the tenants of human interaction, it cannot be evil.

If someone conjured a demon in front of me - maybe that would be evil. Unless the demon had nice manners. Then I'd be confused again.

I suppose to have Evil, one must have an ultimate Good. You could argue that some innate human understanding of morality represents that 'Good', but in that case you'd have to believe in innate human morality.

Most behaviours are taught. To me, that dictates that evil is just a word we use to describe something we ourselves could never fathom doing (or haven't been taught). But there's no black and white, because I bet your ass that many perpetrators of that 'evil that you would never do' once looked at a situation and thought exactly the same thing.

Short Answer: There is no evil. We, as people and as individuals are responsible for what humanity is, not an external force. Taking responsibility is a good first step toward fighting that 'evil'.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Question: Do you like cookies?

I'm not a big sweets guy, in general, but there are a few exceptions.

I like cookies with chocolate chips. I like chocolate chips a lot. I like muffins with chocolate chips. Especially when they're hot.

Chocolate
Chocolate
Chocolate
Chips

(As sung by Cookie Monster)

Short Answer: I hear cookies with weed in them are nice also. Which I also think is tied in to Cookie Monster's intensity.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Question: You seem to have done a lot of short answers lately? Is something wrong?

No.

There's something wrong with your face.

Short Answer: Technically speaking, there's a Short Answer every time. Boo-Yagggg!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Question: On a woman, what exactly is the karbal?

Look if your 'woman' has any kind of 'bal', kar or otherwise, you might have a dude on your hands.

There are a few ways to avoid this predicament. I recommend being a lot more direct with crotch cuppage during initial introductions. I know some she-homies tuck that shit around, so feel free to get in a double, vice like, groin and ass introduction.

Another way to avoid hooking up with dudes is to check for a pronounced adam's apple. Unless you like fat women; then it's harder to tell. Then again, if you like fat women, you probably don't mind if they have a few 'karbals'.

Short Answer: Seeing how I don't have whatever this is, it's probably the thing that makes women bitchy. Like, her karbal is acting up so I'm not allowed to go to the football game.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Question: How is the whole summoning thing going?

Three daemons and a bag of stale cheese curls.

Not bad.

Short Answer: So much salt and cat blood everywhere, it's really not all it's cracked up to be. And it's harder to get candles rendered from human fat than one might think.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Question: On a man, what exactly is the bajunch?

You really don't know?

It's the bunch of flesh just above the junk. Men get it as they get older and fatter. Really obese dudes get it so bad that it entirely covers their garbage. Mostly, its appearance his hidden by pubic hair, but if you like to shave all your stuff away, it can really emphasize even a fledgling bajunch.

If you still don't understand, I'd recommend The Deepest of Throaters 9: Bajunch to the Forehead

Short Answer: It's not as good as The Deepest of Throaters 7: Ballchindango but its a pretty good milkshake.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Question: Happy Saturday. Write what you want?

Thank you for at least putting a question mark at the end, despite this not being a question.

I've been noticing lately that my life is inundated with a myriad of blinking lights and buzzing noises. I thought we were in the future, of things that work smoothly and stay quiet. It feels like I'm in a fifty's laboratory with all the flashing and whirring that goes on.

I was at the store yesterday and they had new Interac consoles. The thing beeped, it was loud when it printed, it beeped in a different way when the sale was complete. It's ridiculous. Both the person paying and the person operating the machine are standing right there. They are looking at the screen, waiting to be told the transaction is over. Why is it fucking beeping at us?

I notice it often when I get up from the couch at night to go to bed. I pass like nine different display lights, some solid, some flickering, some numbered, some abstract. If I get up to go to the bathroom I see the time, digitally, three separate times.

I don't have a point. Just seems like with all the industrious, brilliant scienticians out there, we'd be taking care of some of this unnecessary shit. Don't get me wrong, if they're too busy curing cancer to stop the debit machine from beeping at me, so be it. In fact, that should be the delivery vice for the cure.

(I just pictured a whole bunch of cancer patients, confined to wheelchairs, in a row, getting picked up by a giant metal claw and swiped over a scanner like a dozen eggs, being laid down on the other side on their feet, smiling and happy.)

I think I do have a point. There's a lot of unnecessary shit and unnecessary waste. It wouldn't take that much time to streamline some of the technologies that, though new in the grand scheme of things, we take for granted like pants.

Short Answer: More like the Jetsons, please.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Question: What is the best way to work that biscuit mix into the meat?

Not that I'm not always honest, but to be super honest on this one, I have no idea what this question means. I know there are some dishes (beef wellington) where you have to put the meat in the biscuit, and I know of this other recipe where you put the lime in the coconunt (yea, I meant to type coconunt). Never, however, have I heard of working biscuits into meat.

So I'll assume this is a sex metaphor.

How to Work The Biscuit Into the Meat:

Step One: Separate your wet and dry ingredients
Step Two: Combine to make a thick paste
Step Three: Slap that paste on
Step Four: Work it around real nice
Step Five: Real Nice
Step Six: Preheat the oven, yea, that's the spot
Step Seven: Slide it onto the hot rack
Step Eight: When every thing's nice and hot, open the stove and slip the meat in
Step Nine: Set the smoke alarm to "Watch the Fuck Out!"
Step Ten: Nappy-nap time.

Short Answer: Is working the biscuit into the meat supposed to be some sort of thickening agent? Like having Latin blood?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Question: I just watched The Avengers, how should I celebrate?

You should invest in a time machine, you slow bastard.

There really is no perfect way to celebrate having seen The Avengers. I'd so go with some bigger staples, like having the sex, eating the pizza, Medieval Times, Putt-putt, that sort of thing.

I celebrated by crying. Then the fucking, then the pizza.

Short Answer: Now you should go watch the British Avengers movie with Uma Thurman. It's just as good...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Question: What are your thoughts on Pajamas?

They are stupid. I am forced to wear clothes all day so no one gets wang-offended, so when I get home, my wife is lucky she doesn't get a full balls evening every single day. (I do immediately put shorts on as soon as I get home, and take my socks off within the hour.)

When it's time for bed, I'm finally able get naked. I have no comprehension, never have, of why clothes for bed even exist. I mean, there's clothes on the bed for christ's sake.

Don't get me wrong, I know that some women have troublesome boobs and need to contain those puppies in particular ways, but dudes? Why would a dude wear pajamas? 'Cause their comfy? Guess what, you can't feel comfy when you're asleep. If you want to wear pajamas to work, or something, I'm cool with that. Night time is for sleeping, for recovery, for getting away from everything, society's fear of nudity included.

Never once in my life has it occurred to me to do anything other than take all my clothes off before bed. There've been a few times when I've been too tired or too sick to bother, I suppose, but I think that's fairly irrelevant. Bed time's easy.

One: take off clothes.
Two: fall face first on bed.
Three: tuck weiner and balls for comfort.
Four: sleepy sleeps.

In the summer, my wife, who loves pajamas and is retarded, will often go to bed topless with just the bottoms on. Many a time she will wake in the middle of the night, sweat curdled between her boobs, and slide off those damn bottoms cause she's too hot. And every time she does it, I'm happy, 'cause she's supposed to be naked in bed. It's way more awesome for there to be a naked woman lying there, instead of a fuzzy teddy bear. I'm not a pre-teen girl; I want to cuddle up against some naked rumpus.

Short Answer: The only use I've ever really gotten from pajamas is the joy you get when you pull them off of a woman and whip them across the room.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Question: Why is it no matter where I go or what I do I keep getting stuff in my eyes?

Is it possible you find the world very surprising? Are you often shocked by what you see? Wide-eyed wonder, perhaps?

Maybe it has to do with where you're spending your time. Rally car tracks? Porn shoots? A wave runner? Middle of a hailstorm?

Try plucking out all of your eyelashes, your eyebrows and wearing one of those Asian-lady visor jobbies. That shit will even keep the sun out of your eyes.

Wait, are you just talking about sight? All that stuff you're seeing is called sight. You're supposed to get sight in your eyes. That's how you see stuff.

Glad I could help.

Short Answer: Seeing eye-jaculate.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Question: Poetry time?

She prides herself on being well-received
like Jack the Ripper at a convention for the criminally brilliant
Yet there is another level, one of musk, one of dour, down turned brows
wherein lies the Daemon of All Hells, cascading around in a low rowboat,
'neath the dank earth in an underground cave full of brackish, still water.
And if, perchance, that water becomes other than still,
the Daemon will rise

Short Answer: Women are Often of Two Minds

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Question: Kickface or punchbutt?

Man: Kickface
Woman: Punchbutt
Child (either sex): hugs and encouragement
Child (both sexes): kickface and punchbutt

Short Answer: I have performed two of the above.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Question: How would you help me bring back the monocle?

It's fucked up to think how quickly technology advances these days. We think of the monocle as an antiquated idea, something rather stupid and old timey. People were wearing those fuckers for over a hundred years! The first monocle like device, the quizzing glass (a monocle with a handle) was in use in the 1790's. Holy shit.

If the question was how would I bring back the monocle, the answer would've been simple. I just start wearing one. People notice me, panties drop, monocle's back. But if I have to help you bring back the monocle, we may need another strategy.

Perhaps some sort of Q-Ray type campaign that explains that the monocle magically sets your body straight and hunts cancer. Or we could spread the idea that only men with big dongs have the right orbital bone shape to hold a monocle. We could make a rad infomercial where men's monocles pop out and women look disappointed.

Another way would be to get a famous actor or celebrity to wear one all the time. Like Johnny Depp or George Clooney or Clint Howard.

We could use the monopoly guy as our spokesperson and try to equate big, cloth bags with dollar signs on them with monocle usage. Though we'd inadvertently spike the top hat business as well, I think it might be worth it. (Cause we could put rings on the top hats, like in future space movies. That would be cool.)

Last but certainly not least, make monocles that have crazy tech in them. Like night vision monocles, or x-ray monocles, or monocles that give you a readout like Iron Man or Robocop. Then the nerds are in. If we've learned anything recently (box office) when the nerds are in, shit gets real.

Short Answer: Another way to bring back the monocle would be to DESTROY ALL GLASSES! (The frames SPECIFICALLY!)

Friday, July 6, 2012

Question: What do I do about the flatulent woman sitting next to me on the bus right now? It's awful.

This is really an opportunity for you, if you think about it. You could start crop-dusting like crazy and it would just seem like it was her.

Anyway, you've got quite a few options. Firstly, you could embarrass the hell out of her. If you want to go this route, I suggest creating a two handed scoop or a 'finger bowl' and start retrieving said farts from near her derriere and wafting them into her face. This could be accompanied by something sarcastic yet encouraging, a sentiment such as, "Do you like that? Yea, you like that."

Another way to go would be to shit your pants. Then, catch her attention, look her directly in the eyes and say. "Oh. I thought that's what we were doing. Shitting our pants." Then, with a disgusted huff, get up and leave the bus.

Or I suppose you could just get up and leave without shitting your pants. Wasted opportunity, though, if you ask me.

And you did!

Short Answer: Marry that bitch.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Question: Why do people insist on wearing crocs?

A lot of people think it's okay to wear whatever they feel like 'cause it's comfy. These people are wrong.

Here's why.

People like that, if asked, will claim they don't care what other people think of them. Then, if you said, "I don't like you, fatty", they'd be crushed because they actually do care. The only reason they're wearing crocs, or sweatpants, or yoga gear is because they saw enough other people doing it to feel like it was acceptable, which is pretty much the opposite of not caring what other people think.

It takes effort to dress right, let alone originally, let alone in a way that reflects who you are as a person. Nerds and businessmen are the best examples of people who are successful at dressing the way they want to and they way they should. Be it an Iron Man T-shirt or a tailored suit, they look good and they look right.

I'm of the belief that dressing well makes you feel better about yourself. Not dressing well is the equivalent of not bothering to bathe. What 'well' means is totally hope to you, though. For example, if you're actually a croc person, then wear crocs. (See Mario Batali). But the sad truth is, there aren't that many croc people. There are a lot of jeans and T-shirts and casual shoes people, but not that many croc people.

So look down. You might be fuckin' up.

Short Answer: People should dress to feel good, even aspire to dress to feel their best. No one puts on crocs and goes, "Oh fuck yea! Now I can take on the world!"

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Question: Is Twitter just for stalking celebrities?

No; celery is for stalking.

Do you mean, twitter is for stalking celebrities, or twitter is for celebrities who stalk?

Anywho, I see what yer gettin' at. I myself have partaken in the 'send a Tweet to a celebrity like you're buddies and hope that he acknowledges you' bit. Thing is, I do it for selfish, businessy reasons, to get more exposure and followers and junk. To do it just to feel good, yea, that's kinda fucked up.

I held out for awhile, but I think Twitter is pretty bad ass as a communication tool. So the answer is no. It's not just for stalking celebrities. It's also for dates and recipes. (I think Twitter is populated with single moms.)

...and for stalking single moms.

Short Answer: It would be kinda awesome if celebrities went on to stalk regular folk. Just pick a random dude and hound them till they're forced to unfollow. If I ever become a popular celebrity, I might try that shit. So look out...John Smith!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Question: Why do fools fall in love?

I love these song title questions. Actually, I don't know if that's the title of the song or just something they say in the song, like how that "Pleased to meet you" song by the Stones is actually called Sympathy for the Devil.

Fools fall in love for the same reason everyone does. In fact, we're all fools for love; consistently, there's nothing that joins the people of this planet together more than the fact that love turns each and every one of us into complete morons.

And the reason? Titties. You see titties, your brain goes, "I'd like 'em touch those titties" and then your pants hug your crotch and then you pass out.

Short Answer: I guess girls don't fall in love because of titties. I live in a strange world where I believe that my wife is more attracted to naked women than she is to me. Oh wait, that's called the real world. Jackpot and also I'm a loser.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Question: Do you believe in the fundamental morality of karma? That the final score will favor good?

I do use karma as a motivational tool at times, but I think that the idea of doing right because you're afraid something is going to happen to you if you don't is pretty messed up. You shouldn't have to have a reason to be good. It sure as hell shouldn't be to create an invisible force field to protect you from bad.

It leads to weird shit. Like, if you do enough good stuff in a row, couldn't you then go do something really awful and still be in the plus column?

As for the final score, will mine be in the good? Yes, unless someone murders my wife and that person has an extended family so long that when I'm done killing them all, I'm in the negative.

And as for humanity as a whole, between people being afraid of hell and karma, we might end up on the positive in the end. But then again, there are the people who'll do evil 'cause they're gonna get virgins. That doesn't help the score. And of course, let's not forget all the greedy douchebags who quite simply do whatever they want. I guess it depends on the handicap. Oh no! The handicapped! That might swing it. The mentally challenged don't have the control the rest of us do, their karma might be all fucked up, drooling in people's dinners and using their retard strength to huck cars around.

Short Answer: I find karma a more palatable idea than the hoofed, pitch-fork wielding red devil.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Question: Will your 1000th tweet be funny, filthy, flirty, somewhat gay, all the way gay, party gay?

It would be cool if there was a club called closet, and when you went through the door the whole place was like a closet. There'd be clothes everywhere on the walls and the bar would be shaped like the bar that the clothes hang on, like a big cylindrical tube. And all the decor would be shit you'd find in the back of the closet, like old yearbooks, and luggage and your nintendo controllers.

This answer, as you have figured out, is being posted as my 1000th tweet. There's kind of a subversive thing going on here, because the question is really about twitter, and I couldn't answer in the future, nor could I post a tweet and then talk about it in a blog post, because that would be redundant. So I was virtually forced to do it this way.

The question is about something that doesn't exist, and the answer is the process of creating that thing. It's very hard to think of a metaphor to explain how strange this is.

It's like asking someone, "How's your dinner going to be on Friday?" I haven't cooked it yet. I could guess what it will be like. "Err, maybe hotdogs, they're usually about the same amount of good." Instead, I'm somehow forced to wait and eat the hotdog and then yell to no one that the hot dog has performed as expected, though it turns out I had a salad as well, and it's irrelevant by definition.

Lost? Cool.

Twitter is weird. I link to this blog every day, and I also put up at least one funny tweet. I genuinely think I'm good at Twitter and that I'm worth following for that one tweet per day. Other than that, I have few thoughts on the subject. I don't use it to keep in touch with friends or get my news or have things spoiled for me in a hashtag. I do my business and I get the fuck out. I could probably learn to use it more effectively, to attract more people to what I do, but who's gonna teach me? Gotta learn it myself, I guess.

So here it was. My 1000th Tweet. I've dropped the facade and spoken as a normal human. That is the only thing that makes it special, or the fact that there's nothing special about it.

I like to think that I'm always funny, filthy, flirty and somewhat gay in everything I do. I'm rarely party gay, unless invited.

Short Answer: Tweet the 1000th!