Saturday, June 30, 2012

Question: Do you know any good jokes? How about one involving Humpty Dumpty, a case of beer and a particle accelerator?

After years of not being put together again, Humpty's path led to the study of what we're made of. Eventually, he climbed to the top of his field, just like he'd climbed that wall so many years ago. One day, after an entire case of beer, he was hanging around the particle accelerator, reminiscing about how after all the attempts of all the kings horses and all the kings men, but especially the king's horses, they'd had to resort to duct tape.

Only Humpty himself would ever know how to put himself together again. And though he felt he was close to a solution, his days as a duct taped, egg-shaped mummy were long and hard, and booze and drugs were a constant companion.

So on this fateful night, after a case of beer in a record eggman time of twenty three minutes, Humpty fell into the particle accelerator and was torn asunder. By some fluke of fate, or sheer chance, he was thrown from the machine as his particles whizzed around and collided.

"No horses around here," he thought, sadly, as he opened his eyes, expecting to find his body in a million pieces, just like on that fateful night so many years ago, when in his stupid youth, he'd done acid and climbed that fucking wall.

To his ultimate suprise, Humpty was whole, the duct tape nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck the king's horses!" he cried in triumph and jumped to his feet.

He heard laughter coming from above. When he looked up, the other physicists were there, standing above the particle accelerator. They were laughing so hard they were crying.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Come see for yourself," one of the physicists suggested between chuckles.

Humpty climbed back to the top. He saw that the men were laughing at something inside the particle accelerator.

He leaned over, and to his great dismay, he saw the culprit. The same thing that had happened on that fateful day when he'd fallen from the wall and been given his ungainly moniker.

Staring back at him, from the cold steel of the machine, was a single, solitary turd.

Humpty had made a Dumpty again.

Short Answer: This was super hard. I had to story it up a bit. Hope you like!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Question: Where's the commode in this dungeon? I gotta take a squirt.

This is a line from my second favorite movie, Reservoir Dogs. Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) says it. He says a lot of awesome stuff in that film, as do all the other misters. It is good.

But if I didn't know where the question was from, I'd have to answer thusly:

"Take a left at the goblin. You can't miss it."

Short Answer: I think you can pee anywhere in a dungeon.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Question: What did you think of the Obamacare ruling?

Honestly? I don't even think America is a democracy anymore. I'm not going to weigh in on the many points, the ins and outs, of the Affordable Care Act. All I see coming from this debate is the monstrous bullshit that's been spawned by partisanism. All I see from every debate is partisanism. I swear I haven't seen an actual debate, an exchange of ideas, where sides speak about their oppinons, back them up with facts they've collected, with studies they haven't paid for, and with real passion that hasn't been pre-approved in forever.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Money runs America. The word corruption no longer has any meaning for it is in the majority. Real democracy is what's corrupting the system now, the system created by the greedy. Real democracy mucks up the works. And if you haven't noticed, it's not mucking them up very well.

So when democracy is flattened, and all the politicans seem to care about is who's in fake power, what set of friends funds the evil, what group of people they owe the most favors to... where do the actual people come into play?

Assumedly, Obamacare is supposed to help. Healthcare in the states is ridiculous, there's no doubt about that. But you continue to see stupid people, led by their 'trusted' leaders, saying they think Obamacare is the devil. Is that the way it works? Confuse and convince the stupid and the under privileged into thinking that they don't need a government service? Yea, then they'll vote for you, but doesn't that make you the world's biggest douche?

But that's another problem with America. Money cures douchebaggery. Sadly, it also cures most everything else. So if you don't have money, you might not be cured. Trying to addres this seems important. The fact that this legislation ended up in the laps of the supreme court is a travesty. Really? Two groups of leaders can't come together to improve the lives of their people?

Why should they be democratically supported? Why should you go vote for these people so they can make money for not helping you?

I just erased a big chunk. Getting ranty. Fuck, I hate this shit. Tired of hearing about people hurting other people without consequence. Feel free to skip the next paragraph.

(Here's a simplified scenario. Your boss comes into work. You don't have a union, 'cause evil fuckers killed it. So you rely on what he can do for you. He says, "I want to give you guys healthcare, 'cause I know it costs a fortune to go to the doctor. Problem is, we can't please everyone, but at least we can get some shit on the books, make sure everybody is covered. Only sketchy part is, you are all going to be forced to pay into it; it'll come off your cheque. We just have to take care of each other a little better, and we'll all be covered in case something goes wrong. Or, if you want, we can all fight about the details until it gets worked out and everyone is pleased. Only thing is, if you can't work it out, you don't get any health care. I mean, we'll try something else later, but there's no guarantee when that will come or what it will do or if it will work. If you wanna go that route, I guess don't get sick or have an emergency for awhile." You'd want the healthcare, right? Would you feel your rights were being infringed upon, 'cause you had to pay a little to make sure one of the people you work with doesn't go bankrupt becuase they got pregnant? See, government puts it all over your heads, but it's really simple. What they call 'Socialism' at the top, is kinda just taking care of your friends at the bottom.)*

*This is not my interpretation of the Affordable Care Act. Just a real world example.

Short Answer: This answer was hilarious. Fuck politicians. Greedy pussbags.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Question: Is it possible to bring back disco?

I don't know. Ask Kylie Minogue.

Seriously ask her. Then ask her if she wants to fuck me ten years ago.

No, but seriously. The phenomen of disco may have burnt brightly and flamed out, but music that has no redeembable artistic qualities, or 'dance music',  never went away. If you don't go to the proverbial club, you might not know this. Disco just evolved, like every other music form evolves.

But no, the phenomena will never come back, cause now we know that aids gives you cancer and drugs make your brain into a fried egg.

Short Answer: We think we've got it made living in modern times. Well let me tell you something, I would trade itunes in a heartbeat for the attitude that it's okay to fuck everything you see everyday.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Question: You meet something, or someone who knows everything. What do you ask? You have ten questions.

Ten Things I'd Ask Someone Who Knows Everything

10) Where are all my socks?
9) Why do people watch car racing?
8) Was Michael Jackson really a child molester?
7) Is karma really a thing, or can I punch old ladies?
6) Is there a god and is he a monkey?
5) Is love only chemical?
4) Is all stress bad for the body or do we need some to keep the goo flowing?
3) What happens when we die?
2) Why are farts so funny?
1) Do I have to sacrifice goodliness and rightness to achieve my ambitions?

Short Answer: Yea, I know. Number six is two questions. Still, I'll bet he's a monkey.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Question: Can you use 'Skittles Tickles' in a threat?

That's tough. The conjugation isn't really helping me out here. It's just two random words jammed together. If it was Skittle's Tickles, as in, the tickles belong to the skittles, that would be a lot easier. Or if it was Skittles Tickled, it would be super easy, 'cause no one wants their skittles tickled.

Give me a sec.


"Grandma, you're so old, you remember when Skittles Tickles the clown had his own radio program."

Oh, shit, that wasn't a threat. Hold on.

"Grandma, I'm going to beat you to death."

Nice. Oh, wait, I needed to use the thing.

"Grandma, I'm going to rent a time machine from the internets, go back to when Skittles Tickles the clown had a radio show, get him all boozed up, hand him an axe, and tell him that there's a little girl who thinks his rainbow wig makes him look like a fag, and you'll be killed in the past, horrified by a drunk, axe wielding clown who is really insecure about his sexuality in an age when being a homosexual is frowned upon."

Short Answer: The name 'Skittles Tickles' probably didn't help his sexual confusion. (By the way, if you are one of the people out there who understood implicitly that claiming to kill your grandmother in the past when she's a child isn't much of a threat on account of the fact that then you would never exist, you're a nerd. Congratulations on never putting your penis between two (or more) large, slappity breasts.)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Question: In the land of Oz, is everyone asexual?

Tin Man: Gay
Cowardly Lion: Gay
Scarecrow: Gay
Wicked Witch of the West: Gay
Flying Monkeys: Super Gay
Toto: Gay for dogs
Lollipop Guild: Gay, gay, gaygay, gay, gay-gay, gay...
Dorothy: There's no place like gay.

Nope. None of them are. They're all gay.

Short Answer: No, wait, the Wizard loves pussy. And I think the good witch was into dudes. Yea, I can't think of a single character that would be considered asexual. No, wait. Auntie Em. There.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Question: Without going into the details, let's just say that I need to hypnotize somebody without them knowing about it. Any tips?

I guess the first thing you need to take into account is what that person likes to look at. My first thought is those spinning booby tassels that girls wear at burlesque shows. I assume that men and women alike have a hard time not looking at that shit. Just give them a few minutes and then start the 'listen to my voice, it's super mellow and junk, you'll be asleep when I count backwards for some reason'.

If you need to hypnotize a fat person, try fried chicken. If that doesn't work, get the dinner bell, the triangular kind and smack it a couple of times. That'll make them pay attention 'cause they think food is coming. Then let it spin as they watch it, licking their lips. A snap of your fingers, and they're out, dreaming of riding a gravy boat down a highly caloric brown river of flavor.

With children, the best way to hypnotize them is with firm beatings. Eventually, they go to their 'happy place'. That's basically hypnotism.

Short Answer: You just need to tear people from their reality. If you don't want them to know you're doing it, say something plausible. Like, 'your mom finally gave up and shot your father, then herself'. That should do the trick.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Question: Are there any fruits or vegetables that creep you out?

I remember this series of books I read when I was a kid, about a vampire bunny. Bunnicula, I think, and one of the books was called, 'The Celery Stalks at Midnight'. I didn't grow up afraid of celery, though. I am, however, terrified of the dark, things that stalk, vampires and bunnies. Especially bunnies. So I guess I got lucky with the celery thing.

I've attested many times on this blog to my hatred for the 'devil's cock', the cucumber. In the spirit of repeating myself, my main complaint is that cucumbers taste like wet. But they don't really creep me out.

I don't like when potatoes or yams have a part that splits off in it's own direction; that kinda creeps me out. Like a mutant appendage. Makes me think of retards and that's gross.

I find passion fruit to be relatively creepy. If I wanted to suck seedy mucous out of a fleshy container, I'd find one of those aforementioned retards from paragraph three and go to town on his nose holes.

Dragon fruit is trying way to hard, but they don't creep me out. If you threw one at me, that might be another story. It's like an angry mace head/shuriken thing bombing towards my dome.

Every now and then, bananas are too much like wangs, but for the most part, they're just enough like wangs.

Short Answer: I'm more inclined to be creeped out by weird proteins than I am foliage. Like chicken feet and cow tails and inverted pig bung.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Question: What is the worst movie-going experience you've had and how did you confront it?

What's funny about this, is I think I saw the movie in the theatre, but it was so shitty, now I can't imagine I actually went.

I know a lot of people didn't like the first Transformers movie, but I did. I thought it was fun.

The second Transformers movie was one of the worst pieces of shit ever. From the dangling balls on a stupid looking Devastator, to the hip hop twins with their 'grills' to old man Jetfire, I thought the whole thing was an atrocious mess. It doesn't need to be talked about further.

Wanna know how I dealt with it? I watched the third one. Not in theatre, mind you, but still, I was stupid enough to spend/waste another two hours of my life.

I'm an idiot.

Short Answer: In case it's unclear, the third one is garbage as well, possibly worse than the second.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Question: What should I do with the suspect package I found on my cat?

Do you mean suspect package as in:

Your cat's junk looks tore up?
In that case, might be cat clap.

Your cat is carrying some sort of package and you don't know its contents?
In that case, might be cat nip.

Your cat has a folder of possible suspects for some crime?
In that case, the crime might be dog murder.

Unless you're genuinely concerned that the package may be anthrax or a bomb, you should probably leave your cat alone. If you piss a cat off, he will spite sacrifice one of his lives to kill you. Trust me, he doesn't give a fuck.

Short Answer: If the package is strapped to him in a way that indicates a lack of paw use, he could be moonlighting with another owner. You should find that owner and fight to the death. Pussy will enjoy watching you bleed.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Question: What is the worst case scenario?

Cancer? Ass
Vacation? Libya
Girlfriend? Penis
Santa Claus? Two midgets.
Night at home? Cyborg Rape
Candelabra shopping? No buy candelabra
Superbowl? No boob
Snack aisle? Only Hawkins cheezies.
Facts of life? Not Tootie
Growing pains? Not Boner
Breakfast cereal? Frosted shards of glass
Machine gun? M16 (or) Not AK-47
Romantic evening? Wife.
Bowler hat? Jaunty
Horsey ride? Short stirrups
Presidency? White guy

Short Answer: The worst case scenario is when you're handcuffed to the case and someone wants in, and they have a hacksaw, and it doesn't seem to be going through the handcuffs very easily...

Monday, June 18, 2012

Question: Why do you only answer one question per day? Is it a union thing?

(Though as my attorney I advised myself not to post this on account of its insanity, I figured, what the frig.)

Yea. The union of my tongue and a dragon's nut sack. You see, I don't really answer the questions. I have a dragon tied up in the back yard and to make him mewl, I have to mouth tap his ball pouch. If I work the long jaw of the law long enough, he spews a hilarious anecdote of some kind, which I form into an answer. Lucky that they seem to match the questions.

Despite the enticing and heady musk of a dragon's satchel, I find myself wishing to partake but once a day, if I can help it. Sometimes he cries for his mother at night, and I give him a freebie. To see those answers, you have to go to my other website:

Short Answer: Do dragons even have balls? Who's asking the questions here!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Question: What happens when you don't feel like being funny?

That's when the socks come off!

I don't have gloves, so I put socks on my hands and pretend they're gloves. And then they come right the fuck off!

Funny is a weird thing, 'cause you can fabricate it, or it can be natural, or like with stand up, you can try to take something natural and fabricate it until it seems natural again.

I like to go with my instincts, and when I don't 'feel funny' which to me just translates to a lack of energy, therefore inspiration, I rely on the old stand bys. Poop, nudity, swearing.

So I saw this homeless woman drop her pants and squat in the middle of the street, and I was all like, "What the fuck's up?" and she was all like, "Titties!"

Short Answer: It is difficult when you don't feel like being funny. Sometimes, you have to approach it intellectually, but for me, most of the time, I just let go, let whatever's in out. The funniest thing is that you don't have to be hilarious all the time, it doesn't always have to be your best stuff. Trying to make people laugh is a pretty cool endeavor, all failures included.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Question: Why don't you video blog?

Fuck. Everything has to be bloody performed these days.

(I hate the way people read their own poetry, as an example. It's the most pretentious think I can imagine. A dramatic reading? If your poem is supposed to be a one man show, do a one man show. Poems are words, for christ's sake, that's kinda the point.)

It's hard to write funny. And it's rewarding when people take the time to read it. I don't get a safety net, no help from the actor, no interpretation. Just words.

How often have you read a funny book? It's a rare thing, right?

I guess I like the challenge.

Short Answer: ...and I don't want to put on a shirt.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Question: Do you think there is a market for a trained sheep stylist? Am I wasting my time?

Jeez, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, here, but listen man. They gonna shave that sheep bald right after you're done. Yea.

If it makes you feel any better, most everyone on the planet is constantly wasting their time, especially the stupids. Struggling with furrowed brows and eyes full of consternation at they try to 'learn an instrument' or 'develop a skill' or 'not be boring'. At least you're ahead of the game if you're even attempting to think outside the box. In this case, though, you're being a moron.

Besides, sheeps don't give a fuck what they look like. They aren't vain like people or cows.

Short Answer: I assume that a trained sheep stylist could probably style other animals. If nothing else, I'll give you a quarter to take a run at my pubes.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Question: What is your plan of action upon discovering that you and an erudite chimp are the last beings on earth?

Fuck the chimp. (Check if it's female after.)

Hopefully, we can repopulate with awesome creatures that drink their own pee and complain about any kind of weather that's ever happening. (Yes, even a chimp of great learning will complain about the weather.)

Did this get confusing yet? Good. This is a confusing situation. I woke up horny and had to stick it in some pontificating red-ass with bananas all up in his grill. Or her grill. Now I'm thinking I'd prefer it be a male, 'cause super smart chicks can be pretty condescending. I don't need some chimp lady telling me how and where to stuff my business in her chimp body.

(Just imagined a lady chimp, scantily clad in a business skirt and tasteful white button up top, instructing me how to fuck her. Thanks, questions!)

Short Answer: (Brackets Day!)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Question: You are king for a day. Do you govern or hump the queen?

If it's just for a day, I can't see being too interested in policy. Not like I can change a whole lot. Seems a waste of good doin' it.

Short Answer: Also depends on who the Queen is, I suppose. If her name is Jeffrey or something, I guess I might want to govern instead.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Question: What are your least favorite words and why?

I don't like the word actually, because it is badly overused and almost always completely unnecessary. If you don't instantly understand this, you're a culprit. Run. Actually implies that another party had a pre-conceived notion that you are correcting. Get it? No. Keep running.

I don't like the word nother, 'cause it isn't a fucking word. Even if you have a whole one.

I don't like the word juxtapose, or juxtaposition, because dumb people think it makes them sound smart. Most of the time, when people use words like that, the word they're really looking for is contrast.

I don't like the word wigger. No reason.

I don't like the word potential because I had it and then I turned around and my fingers were flailing in the air, trying to catch it before it was whisked away by the wind. I got a hold of something, though: old.

I don't like the word poo. I think it should be poop. Sounds more like a poop.

I don't like the word farthammer, 'cause when I see it written, which is often, I instinctively want to pronounce the H. Not so bad when it's said aloud, though, which is often.

I don't like the word vagiant. I would if it was in the dictionary and I could use it with impunity.

Short Answer: In terms of combos, I'm not a big fan of "I'm too tired for fucking."

Monday, June 11, 2012

Question: I just watched "The Thing (2011)" last night. Why didn't anyone tell me it was so good?

I think that people assume that remakes/prequels/sequels are going to suck. And they're right to assume that, 'cause they usually do. I thought The Thing - 2011 was a remake and avoided it for some time, though even that is becoming a stupid attitude. They've done so many remakes of classic, great genre films that there is now a growing little crop that are well done and enjoyable. Examples: Piranha 3D, Dawn of the Dead (the grandfather of modern successful horror remakes), Let Me In, 13 Assassins, The Departed, True Grit etc. Of course, I also like some of the ones that other people didn't. I, personally, have arrived at the philosophy that a remake can't hurt an original, in any way, unless you let it. Therefore, go nuts! You might make an entertaining, if not fresh take on the source material. For example, I liked Halloween, The Hills Have Eyes, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Hitcher, The Amityville Horror and The Omen remakes. Are they as good as the originals? Fuck no. Does it matter?

Funny thing about John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) is that it's a remake of a much older film. So getting on my high-horse about them remaking it is pretty stupid. Anyway, turns out the new The Thing is a prequel, explaining what happened on the Norwegian base, discovered in the beginning of the 1982 version. It's fun because it tells the story of what happened there, connecting the dots between the movies.

So, in a few words, I think people just need to get over their anger. Hollywood isn't going to become original all of a sudden, so wave after wave of remake is expected. Also, a lot of the movies they remake are better than a lot of original scripts. Sure, we all want that great new idea, but it's harder to come by then you might think. Try to think of one yourself and you'll see how hard it is. Every time I come across someone who thinks they have a fresh idea for a movie, that movie already exists, they just didn't know about it.

Short Answer: Might as well get in bed with them on this one. You're never going to win standing out there in the cold. (3D on the other hand should go fuck itself in the face. I couldn't watch the Avengers or Prometheus in Imax, 'cause all the Imax showings were also 3D. Fuck you, ya money grubbing bastards.)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Question: What don't you like about the word Bangkok?

I picture myself, naked and trussed, feet free to run at full speed.

Across from me, at about twenty paces, is a hairy guy, similar build, exact same height.

We've been forced to achieve erection, having been shown, in slow motion, the sex scene in Desperado between Salma Hayek and pieces of Salma Hayek beneath Antonio Banderas.

The gun goes off, and we run, full speed, yelling.

The inevitable occurs.

Short Answer: It's also too hot.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Question: Aren't we done with three point landings yet?

This question came along with a clip (from the youtube), which I recommend you watch first.


(If you don't want to bother watching it, a three point landing is when some awesome ninja/kungfu/anime/mech dude hits the ground on one foot, one knee and places one hand down at the same time. Often followed by a dramatic up turn of the head, with heat and sensuality and desire burning from under a flap of perfectly coiffed bangs.)

Yea, I think after seeing that, it's safe to say that it's been played out. Also, that video would have been better with well-timed fart dubs.

It's not just the three point landing that sucks, it's the head flicking up thing. Maybe we should just change that, make people have their eyes crossed when they do that part.

But what are the alternatives? Four point landing? Three point landing with dong?

My favorite non-three point landing after a fall from a great height is in Underworld, where Selene (Kate 'I don't have boobs but you still want to fuck me' Beckinsale) jumps off the tower early in the film. She lands bipedally, on two feet, and her knees bend, but she kicks out of that shit into an instant, sexy strut. Makes me jizz in matrix code.

Short Answer: At least we need to stop the leg out version. That is not stable, all that pressure on the groin. If you did that in real life, it would be a four point landing cause your jeans would rip and one ball would escape and gently plop onto the ground.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Question: I really enjoy your Top Ten lists - can you do one for me about funny words?

Ah, more free rein.

Top Ten Words (or Phrases) to Replace the Swear Word You Shouldn't be Using in Polite Company

10) Jackhole - Used to replace asshole/douchebag/dirtbag. Example: That guy wears a cowboy hat to the club. What a jackhole.
9) Featherduster - Used to replace motherfucker. Example: That Samuel L. Jackson is one bad featherduster.
8) Gunneysack - Used to replace cunt/box/vag. Example: And then I punched her right in the gunneysack.
7) Homeowner -  Used to replace homo. Example: Didn't you make out with that dude? Yea, he's a bit of a homeowner.
6) Bundle - Used to replace dick & balls. Example: I'll bet she can feel that guy's bundle pressing against her leg.
5) Pork Drapes - Used to replace vag lips/piss flaps. Example: I'll bet she's got elongated pork drapes.
4) Shirtsleeves - Used to replace shit. Example: Holy shirtsleeves. Also used to replace any direct name calling insult. Example: Hey, shirtsleeves? Get the fuck outta here!
3) Gravy Boat - Used to replace any reference to a fat person's lower regions, male or female. Example: When she/he bends over, I think I can smell his/her gravy boat.
2) Chalupa - Used to refer to a specific ethnicity's lady parts. Example: I would totally gnaw on Salma Hayek's chalupa. See also: eggroll.
1) Water Bike - Used to refer to a man's privates, often, specifically, a man with a tiny penis and very large testicles. Example: You don't want to go out with Steve. It's like a water bike down there.

Short Answer: Personally, I don't go in for all this. I like to replace swear words with other swear words or combine them in amusing combinations. Example: Good grief.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Question: What would you like to write about, Keith?

I like ponies. I think they're majestic.

And earwigs. You know, those crawly bugs with the pincer at the back?

Can you imagine a whole valley, filled with black, oily earwigs, and then you take a fucking crane, grab up a pony, and drop the pony into that valley? It would disappear so quickly, as the earwigs fought to consume the flesh, climbing over each other's clacking bodies, digging in their pincers and burrowing into the tissue of the screeching pony.

I like rainbows, too.

Short Answer: Jagged, hotter than the sun, Leprechaun slicing, rainbows.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Question: Do you think body paint is sexy?

Depends how hairy the person is, I guess.

I think any time a lady is naked, things are going pretty well. Though sometimes, body paint is so good that the skin is hardly exposed at all, and the art kinda takes over. I guess that's the point but I like naked ladies more than I like art. Hell, naked ladies is art. No one's ever improved on that. Though I did think that John Goodman's performance on Roseanne was stellar...still not as artistic as naked lady stuff.

I really like John Goodman. I'd bet he'd rock some body paint, if it was bad ass. Like a batman suit. Yea, that's the ticket.

Yes body paint is sexy. But not the result so much as the concept and the act. Getting a woman naked and doing anything to her body is sexy, despite what the messy outcome might be.

Short Answer: Not particularly, but it's better than a muumuu.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Question: Do you like showers or baths?

Depends on what for.

For Cleaning: Showers. The water hits the dirt, and sluices it away around your toadies, getting you nice and clean. In a bath, you sit in your own filth and depending how long you're in there, that can get pretty fucking bad.

For Reading: Baths. This is self-explanatory.

For Doing Sex: Showers. More room and great lighting. Besides, trying to do it in water, ie in the bath, sluices away all the natural lady juices and creates the bad kind of friction.

For Peeing: This is a tie. Depends on whether or not you're peeing to warm up the tub water.

For Sluicing: Sluice!

Short Answer: Sluice!!!! And another word has lost all meaning.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Question: What color is your wagon?

Hard to tell. There's a lot of blood on it now, and blood from various victims and situations, so it's kinda like maroon, blueberry, burgundy, scarlet, blackberry, crimson mulberry. With itty bits of rotting skull, like stucco.

Maybe I should paint it. But what color should I choose?

Short Answer: Red. Oh wait. You were talking about my murderin' wagon, right? No? My bad.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Question: I suspect I'm the victim of a plot... Any advice?

Being a victim gives you a lot of wonderful opportunities. You can flap your arms when you run, cry for stuff, and in theory, get pity fucked by one of those women who 'needs to take care of something'.

The only thing you can really do if you wanna shake the plot is random weird shit, or the opposite of what you'd regularly do. Break the rules as understood by the plotters. For example. Someone wants your parking spot at work, so they start hitting your back windshield with an egg every day. What you need to do, is mix it up. Try parking across the spot, or taking two spots, or fucking the guy's wife and taking a picture then blowing up that picture and pasting it to your back windshield. Imagine him about to huck his stupid egg after that.

Sometimes, you're the victim of a plot because someone wants something you have, as in the above example. But other times, the plot is so sinister, that it is impossible to figure out what the endgame might be. In this case, you might have to take an aggressive stance in your relationships, to try to dissaude the plotters. The way I like to go about this is with childlike petulance and tantrums. No one wants to be around a baby, which is a bonus, 'cause if you're enough of a douche, the plotters might give up. Here's how to go about making your daily life an horrendous chore for those around you. I call it the 'splash back' method, for if you're lucky, by hurting the ones you love, you'll slightly annoy the ones that want you dead.

Rule 1: Never poop in a normal place. Also, poop on or near pretty things.
Rule 2: Complain at length about things that no one can change. Like the color of clouds.
Rule 3: Always eat with your mouth open, and your pants down.
Rule 4: Have sex with things. Donuts, donut holes, donut dough, anything.
Rule 5: When giving examples, just give the same example over and over, like donuts.
Rule 7: Fuck up your counting.
Rule 6: Repetition
Rule 7: Fuck up your counting and repetition
Rule 8: Pretend there's a helicopter nearby when you're trying to have a conversation.
Rule 9: Refer to every chore as 'putting up the blinds'.
Rule 10: Casually call everyone 'Dunktank'
Rule 11: Carry a carrot and direct your conversations with it, pointing ominously when appropriate.
Rule 12: Answer the phone with the phrase 'Go for penis'
Rule 13: Always refer every situation to your favorite movie, Funny Girl with Barbara Streisand.
Rule 14: Try to hold your breath a lot. When people ask what you're doing, give them the finger.
Rule 15: Pick one simile a day, and rely on it for poignancy. 'It's like drinking your own pee' is my personal favorite.

That's a good start. Now people won't want to be around you, and though you'll be jobless and friendless, who would want to bother plotting against such a weird, disturbing fucker? Trying to plot against such a dunktank is like having to put up the blinds.

Short Answer: This whole experience has been like drinking my own pee.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Question: Do you have anything to do with global warming?

Obviously. I invented the Fart Cow.

For those who don't know, cow farts are a major problem when it comes to global warming. There are a lot of cows and they fart a lot because we like beef stuffs.

Before I knew that, I thought it would be fun to cross breed the dirtiest cow farters to create a super animal, one that looks dumb and uninterested, and can deliver the grossest farts in history. The contrast was to be sublime. The result, not so much, for along with the ability to have long, sustained and ridiculously smelly farts, these cows developed some control issues. So often, when they fart, they also poop and they also pee, hard, and that makes it a little less funny and a lot more disgusting. My mom started calling them Spray Fart Cows, and I was like, "Mom! No! No! These are my Fart Cows! Don't ruin this for me!"

Also, I fucking hate the polar ice cap and I believe it's wilting before my ire.

Short Answer: Fart Cow!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Question: What do you predict for the November presidential election?

I predict that America will not be stupid enough to elect a guy who seems to have no opinions of his own. I predict they won't choose a president that emerged from the most ridiculous and pathetic republican primary in history. Honestly, I don't even think the other guy even matters. If America is the kind of country that can have Romney as president, they're basically handing over the reins to the kingdom and saying, "We don't want an identity, we don't want to be the leader of the free world any more. What we want is to elect rich fuckers and watch our poor people die and our middle class get poor."

Despite the constant bullshit of politics, it does matter what kind of man sits the throne. I wouldn't have a conversation with Romney. I'd walk away from that hefty doofus. Also, you can't have a president with no fucking backbone who's going to take the corruption of support and lobbying and bring it to a new height. Sure, every president owes something to his campaign contributors, and just like everyone else, if your buddy is president, he might hook you up. But Romney? You gotta think he's got his head way up some rich people's asses. America doesn't need a president who came from rich and thinks rich, not now.

The huddled masses need a representative, now more than ever. Therefore, the president should be not Romney.

Short Answer: It will be a new dark age in America if they toss the first black president after only one term. (On a side note, just look at Romney. Look at him. He looks exactly like the guy who loses a presidential election.)