Thursday, May 31, 2012

Question: What are your Top Ten Rules?

10) Kids shouldn't stick their hands outside the window of a moving bus. This is a recipe for disaster, or at least, unwanted leaf collection. If you disagree, picture a child's broken wrist, bone sticking out, clawed hand full of foliage.
9) Bed is for sleeping and sex. That's all. It's not for sharing or bonding. Unless the bond that's being shared is flesh toned.
8) Honesty is the best policy, except when fleeing madly is the best policy.
7) Sex should never be mixed with other pleasures. Food, for example. I don't want to get a boner when I see a pudding cup.
6) Condescension in any form will get you punched in the neck. This is a very personal rule of mine. If you talk down to me, you better be able to back it up, or be able to do that kung-fu master thing where you catch a punch between your chin and your chest.
5) Don't assume you're the smartest person in the room. Look around to see if I'm there first.
4) Aquaman is awesome. He has a lot of responsibility and manages the stress better than you would.
3) If you ever hear someone laugh, and you think you could describe it as a 'snicker', hide your children.
2) Avoid high maintenance women. They are just little girls with attitudes. Real women don't give a fuck about any of that shit.
1) Swearing rules. They are some of our best words and they've stood the test of time. No child ever became evil because they heard someone swear. Some did become evil because their ears were often covered and they had to listen to their crazy parents talk illogical shit all day.

Short Answer: People who quote cliches, like "Rules are meant to be broken" need to have unbreakable rules of conduct placed upon them. Like, shutup or it's spider sandwiches for lunch.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Question: What is sugar?

Very rarely am I stumped by a question. It is, in fact, my whole reason for being, to come across as a total smartass know-it-all and be able to back it up with hilarity and knowledge.

This one stumped me. I admit, I had to go to the internets for this, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't figure out what the fuck this was.

I tried to let it inspire me, the way questions with funny words sometimes do, but I just couldn't get there. I thought of a Suge Knight joke that was weak, I tried to come up with a sexy joke about 'suging her' but none of it worked. Suger rhymes with booger, that was closest to being something.

So in the spirit of this blog, where I never profess to be in the dark and always act like I know what everything means to the point that I come across as the unblinking authority, I will attempt to answer.

Sugar just might be sarcasm.

Short Answer: You are now permitted to borrow a cup of get off my porch.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Question: How does one traditionally ring in Blontledorf Day?

Traditionally? It's kinda boring. The removal of fingernails via bamboo shoots, the laces tied together, the rotary phones, the sneeze helmets, the hobo rockets, the homo rockettes, the debates over Pythagorean theorems, Dom DeLuise lookalike contest, arm bars...it's really outdated.

I'm a much bigger fan of modern BlontleDorf Festival days. Puke rides, car thatching, fire Elvis, toilet Elvis, glove hockey, caribou sundaes, heliochopters, four finger cupping, reduced fig and thorax balsamic, me having sex with your mom while your sister watches.

Short Answer: Longest, most irreverent doing your mom joke ever.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Question: What are some surefire ways to identify a possessed person?

They're usually kinda pissy.

If you ask them any question, and they answer with more than one voice, that's a dead giveaway. Also, if they suggest, in any way, shape or form that they want you to 'let Jesus fuck you', that's a solid indication.

Take a crucifixion nail and jab it into their eye. If there's a slight sizzle before the pop, they might be possessed. Confirm with other eye.

Most people think that only projectile vomit indicates possession. That is not the case. In fact, projectile defecation is much more likely with a possessed person. And any kind of vomit could mean you're possessed. Have you heard the sound of throwing up, before? That's the Devil. I suggest decapitation mid-purge on any and all pukers.

You ever had someone look at you funny? Shotgun. Possessed.

Short Answer: All women who disagree with you, don't find you attractive, or seem too independent or intelligent are witches. They are in congress with the Devil. Murderophise them. Or just ignore them until they want to get in the sack with you. It's great doing a possessed chick 'cause you can take her from behind, but she can still spin her head all the way 'round to face you. Win win.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Question: How awesome was Keith Moon?

Funny, I was just thinking about Keith Moon (drummer from The Who, for those who don't know) 'cause I was watching the Muppet Movie and I remember hearing once that the character of Animal was based on Keith Moon.

I like him 'cause his name is Keith, and because I liked the movie Moon by Duncan Jones, who is David Bowie's son, and I like David Bowie, 'cause my dad's name is David and because the word buoy makes me laugh when people pronounce it like a ghost would and I like ghosts because the idea of no afterlife scares the shit out of me but Judeo-Christian versions of an afterlife don't seem very realistic and I like realism.

Here's the thing. If you've read my blog for a while, you might have picked up that I'm somewhat of a seventies rock kinda guy; The Who is the exception for me. I don't particularly dislike them, that would be a little crazy, they just don't get my motor runnin. So, though I understand Keith Moon was a good drummer (drumming is probably the thing I know least about in all of music) I wasn't a fan of The Who, therefore I can't sing his praises very effectively. I think he was good. Others think he was great.

How awesome? Relatively awesome.

(Also, as a side note, I don't particularly fan up on dudes who died of excess, which I think applies to Keith Moon. Seems like a waste.)

Short Answer: I think the most awesome thing about Keith Moon was his name.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Question: How do we change the habit of laissez-faire politics?

Bring back the guillotine. Or invent the penis guillotine. Then, invent a female equivalent to the penis guillotine called 'the buffer' and load it up with sandpaper.

I'm barely joking. Threat of decapitation would at least force elected officials to listen to the people once in a while. Also, a lot of power mad dipshits are cowards, and would avoid politics entirely. That would be great.

I feel I should go deeper, figure out what exactly you mean by liassez-faire. (Hey, maybe that's why the guillotine popped into my head, 'cause that's a french word. Huh.) To many, the term just means lackadaisical, but in actuality, it's a specific term that basically means as little government regulation as possible, just enough to keep the free-enterprise system operating.

Great idea. Worked out pretty far. Greedy assholes, because they're full of respect, have barely taken advantage of government de-regulation. Oh wait.

In general, I think the government, as it stands, is a sham. Those people don't represent us, they certainly don't represent me. So in general I want them to keep their fingers out of my pie. What I do want from politicians, is for them to do there jobs and govern. For example: make sure greedy assholes aren't abusing the fuck out of people - the ones who work hard for our society and end up struggling - so they can have another diamond porch.

This is the simplest thing in the world. Ready? If the people want more regulation, their elected officials should listen, and they should get it. Same goes for the opposite. That's how it's supposed to work. Anyone remember that? When it used to be almost a democracy up in this bitch?

The fact that this an issue, a talking point, proves that other interests have become involved.

In conclusion, you ask me how we can change laissez-faire politics? Here's my answer. Let de-regulation run wild, then watch America burn. Oh, yea, we're already trying that.

Short Answer: I'll make it simple. Hey government guy! Do your fucking job! The one you were hired to do, not the one that pleases your friends and fills the pockets of the rich.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Question: Why not?

Because you could get hurt, poke your eye out, break a bone, drag your scrotum on the ground, kick a pidgeon, become a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, impregnate a local dock worker, get sued for cheese harassment, end up too irreverant.

That's why not.

Short Answer: At Christmas, I'd rather have albino kisses than holiday wishes. (See, now look what you've gone and done.)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Question: Calorically speaking, how much crow can you eat?

Caloric Values of Being a Dumb Idiot who Says Something Stupid and is Forced to Take Responsibility and Admit they are Wrong despite it being the Thing they least want to do in all the World:

Eating Dirt: 350
Eating Your Own Words: 100-417
Eating Your Hat: 522-574
Eating Crow: 600

Crow, though lean meat, has a lot of calories. It is by far the worst of the bunch, though, as it is much more degrading to have to swallow the whole bird, live and kicking, clawing at your clenched lips from the inside, wanting desperately to free itself, than eating, say a handful of dirt, or swallowing a badly received racial slur. Taking responsibility can be a very painful experience.

To answer the question correctly, you could eat three to four crows in a day and stay in or around the target caloric intake for a man - probably just three for a woman. But you'll have some weird poops.

Short Answer: If more of us could pass that beak and those beady black eyes over our moist, insipid tongues just once a day, we'd all be a little fatter and a lot happier.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Question: Hats and bikes don't mix. Agree?

Disagree. If people on bikes wore hats instead of helmets, they would die more easily, and that would thin out the herd. Maybe prices would go down, and I'd be able to go for a pantsless, drug-addled walk at three in the morning and not see nine fucking people. Now that I think about it, everyone should wear a hat instead of a helmet. The NFL, for example. They've all got hats anyway, on the sidelines. They should go out, impact some damn spines and spread the wealth to the people. I bet the money no longer being earned by all those fresh paraplegics would do nicely in the pockets of all those bank-screwed American citizens.

Then again, even though you can't really put a hat on a bike rack, you could, in theory, put a bike on a hat rack, so maybe they do mix after all.

Short Answer: You'd probably need strap-hats if you wanted to ride a bike with a hat, so it doesn't blow off and hit my windshield and make me aim my car at you.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Question: Do you find yourself attractive?

Interesting. My instinct is yes. But if I saw myself, I don't think I'd want to do me, 'cause I'm a dude, and I don't particularly want to do dudes, though if I had to do one dude, it'd probably be myself. I've done it before, it works out great for everyone.

Getting older is weird. You definitely don't look better, but as a man, I have the ability to look more awesome, so I'm hoping that's already kicked in a little. Sucks for the ladies. They get more handsome as they age, too, but it's not good.

If we're not just talking appearance, though, where I feel I need to be a little subjective, then the answer is: fuck yea, I find myself attractive. Who wouldn't be attracted to someone with my level of intellect?

Short Answer: Boobs, fart, etc.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Question: Give me back to back top tens! How 'bout, Top Ten Reasons to High Five?

Top Ten Reasons To High Five

10) Pizza
9) When you agree with someone about something that seems profound only because you agree. Example: "Quarter Pounders from Macdonald's are the shit!" "I agree!" Bam.
8) Just had sex
7) When a decision is finally made after a long discussion.
6) When your local sports team scores a goal/basket/touchdown
5) To congratulate someone for saying something humorous. Example: "Her balls must be sore." "Good joke, friend, that woman is rather manly and aggressive." Bam.
4) Passing a stranger.
3) When food tastes good. See #10
2) When something you and a friend wish would happen, though it's unspoken, happens. Example. That celebrity chef on TV with the big boobs bends over a little too far to check her muffins in the oven. Bam.
1) When you and a friend defeat something, like a level in a video game. Also, along the same lines, when you and your wife defeat something in the bedroom, like a tough position.

Short Answer:

Top Five Reasons To High Ten

5) Home run
4) Found Homo-life-mate
3) You know you're about to hug, but it won't be celebration enough.
2) You need double the emphasis, like an angrier high five.
1) Just double teamed a model/dancer

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Question: I haven't seen a top ten list from you in a while. What would you say are the ten best road-trip movies?

But first...

30-11

30) The Trip
29) Almost Famous
28) Bolt
27) The Muppet Movie
26) Thelma & Louise
25) The Wizard
24) Raising Arizona
23) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
22) Eurotrip
21) Vanishing Point
20) Sideways
19) Natural Born Killers
18) The Book of Eli
17) Mad Max
16) Dumb & Dumber
15) Planes, Trains and Automobiles
14) Tommy Boy
13) National Lampoon's Vacation
12) Death Race 2000
11) Kingpin


Top Ten Road-Trip Movies

10) Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001) A sexy and uncomfortable masterpiece by director Alfonso Cuaron, the first of two films he has in the top ten. Two young dudes travel with an older broad, and she's ready to dole out some lessons and be naked.

9) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) Gilliam takes us by the brain and shoves us face first into the drug addled world of Hunter S. Thompson. Other than that, who knows what's going on? "Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!" "Don't tell me these things. Not now, man."

8) Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (2004) Hell yes! This movie is hilarious, start to finish, and is above some pretty hefty company on this last, as comedy goes. Again, I pronounce my love for modern film, full of racy, edgy crap and pop culture references and weed and titties. Sadly, for the older generation, this movie aptly portrays our generation. And we're takin' over, grandpa!

7) Children of Men (2006) I didn't want to be disrespectful to the concept of the road movie by assuming people think of road movies as silly, easily digest able, comedy romps. Some road movies aren't like that at all. Some have Clive Owen. This, of course, is Cuaron again, and the trip is one to save humanity. Or something like that.

6) Rain Man (1988) Possibly the best performance in the career of one of our finest actors. And Dustin Hoffman was in it, too!

5) Zombieland (2009) Things move in cyclical fashion. The spoof movie of a popular yet receding trend is often ridiculous and over played. But with Zombies holding on to their popularity, Zombieland comes along and makes a great film, that transcends any thought of making fun of the genre. It's Shaun of the Dead, cross-country. Need I say more?

4) True Romance (1993) Yea, remember? They're on the move, man! This movie is a buckshot to the fruit basket. Written by Tarantino, directed by Tony Scott, with Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken turning in one of the great scenes in movie history, and all the while, Oldman's in dreadlocks. Crazy awesome.

3) Easy Rider (1969) The quintessential road movie gets an honorary top three spot, though I don't know how well it holds up. The ending is still strong, though, and of course, Jack in the middle. (Dennis Hopper directed this movie, by the way. Some people forget that.)

2) Into the Wild (2007) Lots of actors want to direct. This time, Sean Penn does it right. Oh so right. I love this movie. The end.

1) Little Miss Sunshine (2006) For every person out there who claimed that this movie wasn't as good as they said, that its success was based on some sort of Hollywood indie movie backlash, go back to your sippy cups. Out of context with all that Oscar winning stuff and the politics that go along with it, this movie is a home run of realism, character, humour and emotion. And as it turns out, it's the best road movie of all time. So there.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Kalifornia, Near Dark, The Vanishing, The Hitcher, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Starman, Deathproof, Beavis and Butt-head to America, Wild at Heart, Borat, Jeepers Creepers.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Question: Is Mario a chump?

I don't think so. He's managed to score a hot, blonde princess, so that's cool. I think the issue is that he's sorta the default setting of the Mushroom Kingdom universe. Other characters have cool powers, or do various things well. Mario is like a six out of ten at everything, therefore, he comes across as a bit of a chump.

Take Luigi, as an example of non-chumpedness. He's everything that Mario is, but better. He jumps higher, wiggles his feet like a bad ass, and has a hot brunette named Daisy. He's younger, taller, with a better mustache and a likeable attitude. He's calm and cool, but freaks the fuck out when he sees a ghost and gets flustered like an adorable little girl. And the way he has to strain to pull things from the ground in Super 2...awww.

Short Answer: The proof of Luigi's more interesting character is in their dopplegangery villains. Wario just comes across as a fatter, angrier Mario, whereas Waluigi seems to have a wily, mustache twirling, dastardly, tie a girl to the train tracks feel about him.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Question: How do you think you'd do in the Funkytown debates?

Just off the top, have any of you out there seen the video for Funkytown? It's awesome. The chick is practically topless. It's hot as hell. I don't know how they've never ever censored it.

Anywho...

Nope, I'm not done. That song rules and that video rules. I love it and them. There was an SNL sketch the other night about Funkytown (which is what this question is referring to) and I thought it was very amusing.

Personally, despite my love of funky things, towns in general, and sheer tops that reveal breasts, I don't think I would perform all that well in the Funkytown debates. I base this opinion solely on the color of my skin.

Short Answer: Damn. Just found a censored version - it's kinda subltle, too, just a little flesh tone over the nipples. Don't be fooled, people!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Question: Are you the matrix?

I'm the opposite of the matrix. I answer questions. I don't reveal one thing and then pose a million other unanswerable questions. I'm like the matrix if the first line of the second movie was Agent Smith, pulling down his pants, saying, "Shoot me in the dong!" and then Neo did it and everything turned to fluffy rainbows. Then, the third movie was just scene after scene of hot chicks having their first lesbian experiences with super slow undressing and Lionel Ritchie ballads.

(Hello...is it me you're looking for?)

Short Answer: You can take both bills, the red and the blue, and slide them dryly into your ass. When you wake up, your ass will feel very bad. It's the pills that did that, I swear.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Question: Do you think this is funny?

Fuck yea.

Wait, what are you referring to?

Naw, it doesn't matter. I still find it funny.

Short Answer: I know it's funny. I don't have to think about it. Only people with stupid heads have to think about it, stupid head.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Question: Do you find it hard to be both a humorist and a writer of fantastical fiction?

All the handsome helps, that's for sure.

The only way it's tough is in crossing the streams. Hard to put yourself out there as 'Guy who writes stuff.' To this very moment, of the fans I have, I don't really know how many of them read the funny cause of the fantastic, or read the fantastic cause of the funny or read one without the other.
I should ask.

"Fan!"
"Yes, Askkeithanything?"
"You listening?"
"Sure."
"What do you think?"
"Yea, I think you're handsome."

No help there. Unless you want mind blinding, dirt-flung-to-the-eyes accuracy.

I just hope it all adds up to something. Like a Tony award. Or I get to meat Tony Danza, or I get to-knee a fat guy in the gruntch. Yep, you know what I did there.

Short Answer: It's never hard to try to entertain people. It's only hard when they tell you to get the fuck off their porch.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Question: Make up a funny name, monkey.

Ambly Shanks
Eloise Topenbotham
Hall O'Halloran-ington
Kurt Poop
Master Dougray Fitzcarraldo
Salivary Ned
Ken 'the Jackhole' Murphy
Steeple Peters
Tuesday Day
Peaches Sanchez
Bamber Smith-Smith
Dong Slacks Esquire
The Great Harold Knob
Cookie Titty
Bastion Origami Slutburger
(pant, pant, wheeze...)


Short Answer: I'm not your monkey.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Question: Do monsters (of the Frankenstein/Mummy sort) have sex? How?

Awful presumptuous of you to think that I can explain how if they don't in fact have any sex.

Lucky for you, bucko, monsters love to be up to some fuckin'.

Look, Dracula has always been a finger banger. It's legendary. He'll roll one, two, three to the second knuckle, four to the hilt and if he's really got you mesmerized, he'll go all the way and puppet that shit.

Mummy's a watcher. He'll sit in the corner, moaning away, while some guy rails a chick or two. He likes role playing, especially if it involves confusing pantheons of gods who may or may not all be Ra.

Frankenstein? More like Freakenstein, am I right? We're talking Asian Boatrides, Elemental Magic Sauce, Careening Hamburger, Korean Hamburger, Need Food Badly, Up the Lower, Load of Pork Pie...you name it, this cat has done it, and probably to an animal.

What? The Creature From the Black Lagoon? Don't even get me started! This dude loves to fuck. He'll swim around, waiting for you to lay your eggs, and then gack on them heavy, bro!

(I may have officially fucking lost it. The whole time I've been writing this, the narrative voice in my head has gotten louder and more shrill, to the point that if I continue, I'll just have to somehow write the sound of screaming.)

Short Answer: You know who doesn't like to have sex? Wolfman. Dude can't get it up for chicks. And wolf chicks aren't all that bendy.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Question: Why don't guys flush or wash their hands after using a public washroom?

This one is so easy.

Fact: Semen is an antidepressant when absorbed through the lining of the vagina.

Fact: Men have a coating of fine, sugared fruitiness on their hands. It diminishes throughout the day and each time we wash our hands, they taste a little less like gummy bears.

Fact: One of the above statements is absolutely true.

Fact: This is why we try to stick our fingers in your mouth while we're doing sex to your lady business. Not so it feels like you're sucking on 'something else' but because we want you to taste our gummy bear fingers. We think you'll enjoy that.

Short Answer: So next time you suck on a finger, ladies, remember that the sweetness, the fruity gummy flavor explosion is there because we didn't wash after urinating/defecating. You're welcome!

(Shit. I just realized I ignored one whole part of this question. We don't flush 'cause we like turds. Whew, close one.)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Question: What are the best phobias?

There are different kinds of best. Best as in funny, best as in most terrifying, best as in weirdest.

Top Five Funniest Phobias

5) Walloonphobia - Fear of the Walloons. The Walloons are a french-speaking people from Belgium. That isn't funny. Having something called Walloonphobia is funny. Also, I suppose being afraid of an entire people is amusing.
4) Cathisophobia/Kathisophobia - Fear of sitting. Yep. The fear of a good sit, to me, plays out as a comedy of halves and almosts, as the bearer of the affliction, gets closer and closer to achieving a sit, then stiff-leggedly gives up in worried protest.
3) Symbolophobia - The fear of symbolism. I found this very amusing. "No. No. It has to mean exactly what it appears to mean. No. It doesn't signify anything! No!"
2) Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia/Sesquipedalophobia - Fear of long words. I think the humour here is self-explanatory. You wouldn't even be able to diagnose the poor sap without scaring the shit out of him.
1) Rhypophobia - The fear of defecation. The fear of poop itself is funny; being afraid to poop is hilarious. It's similar to the fear of sitting with a lot more cramping.


Top Five Most Terrifying Phobias

5) Xyrophobia - Fear of razors. To some, it's needles (aichmophobia), and to the same effect. The idea of having your skin punctured, penetrated or sliced in any way. Yowza.
4) Taphophobia - The fear of being buried alive. I love the complex ones. Not just fear of dirt or dying, the fear of the act of being trapped in a small box, running out of air, in the dark, in the silence...
3) Pediophobia - Fear of dolls. Again, this is closely akin to things like the fear of clowns (coulraphobia). The fear of something that should be cute and non threatening. But those glass eyes, man, how they stare.
2) Nostophobia - The fear of returning home. This is almost funny, until you think about the word home, the meaning of it, the safety it represents from all of the world's ills. To step up to your door and fumble your keys, ready to take no solace in the only place that guarantees it, to me, that's scary shit.
1) Achluophobia - Fear of the dark. Some say it's not the dark, it's what's in the dark. Not here. The dark itself is the culprit and you can't avoid it. It will come. It is all encompassing, swallowing the light, the goodness, the safety. Good luck sleeping. Oh, by the way, I broke your nightlight...see ya.


Top Five Weirdest Phobias

5) Xerophobia - Fear of dryness. Fairly self-explanatory. Get the lotion, I guess, and don't make love to old women.
4) Ouranophobia - Fear of Heaven. I love the idea of a reluctantly evil man, committing sin after sin to avoid Paradise. A begrudging devil, a pouty murderer.
3) Tetanophobia - Fear of lockjaw. Medically specific fears are common, but this one, the fear that your jaw will lock up, is odd. Unless you're a fluffer or a fatty.
2) Phobophobia - Fear of phobias. Fucked.
1) Pogognophobia - Fear of beards. Come on, really? Beards are awesome. (Telling people who are afraid of stuff that the stuff is awesome usually cures them. It's like that trick you do with people who are afraid of spiders where you hold one hand cupped over the other one and pretend there's a spider inside. Works like a charm, I say.)

Short Answer:

Honorable Mentions and Personal Favorites

5) Lutraphobia - Fear of otters. They're eating off of their tummies! Dear god, their tummies!
4) Genupobia - Fear of knees. As fear of body parts go, this one makes the least sense. And again, the guy who can't sit, can't poop shows up, desperately trying to accomplish things, unwilling to unstraighten his legs. Oh, now he's crying. Ha!
3) Thalassophobia - The fear of the sea. This one's personal for me. I don't quite have it, but I don't like deep water, and I find the sea to be magical, mysterious and terrifying. Though, like most darkness fears, I'm more wary of what's in it. Like sharks and giant fucking squid. I think I have giantfuckingsquidophobia.
2) Anablephobia - Fear of looking up. Death from above, jerk! Dogs don't look up, I wonder if they have this? Anyway, funny.
1) Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders. Perhaps the most popular of all phobias. We don't know what the fuck a spider is - predator or prey, so many of us fight or flight that shit as soon as we come into contact, and then the stomping, when activated, is ferocious and bestial. I just want us to get along, spiders, why you gotta sneak up on me?

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Question: How did Dracula, in your estimation, become undead?

He was a dick. Estimation complete.

No, no, no...

In the book, Stoker doesn't explain, though he does mention something along the lines of Dracula's heart being strong enough to survive the grave, so I like to think that the dude must've been a very healthy eater.

The issue here is that though Stoker was largely influenced by other works, he was the one that brought the Wallachians into the matter, therefore the name Dracul. So the fact that Stoker never explains it leaves it a mystery, or up for interpretation by others who work with the character. As an example, in the famous movie with Anthony Hopkins, Vlad the Impaler renounces God and drinks blood.

I've always thought it was probably Jesus's fault.

Short Answer: Here's a free lesson: Bram Stoker's Dracula was actually called The Un-Dead until just a short while before the manuscript's release.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Question: What size are your shoes?

Oh, that's an easy one...wait a second. This is a trick question, isn't it?

My shoes are so big that they don't make 'shoes' that fit my 'foot' right. And sometimes girls say that my 'shoes' are too big and that I need to 'walk' more carefully or I'll puncture their 'cervix'.

Short Answer: I like to wear my shoes inside-out for my pleasure.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Question: You've just been hired by Ben & Jerry's to come up with a line of ice-cream flavors to tie in to the new Avengers movie. Show us what you've got!

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Hungry: Mint Ice Cream with "Hulk Smashed" Pistachios
Bifrost Bridge: Rainbow Ice Cream
Stars and Stripes: Tiger Butter Ice Cream with White Chocolate Chunks
Drunken Debauchery: Champagne Sorbet with Chocolate Covered Strawberries
Widow: Dark Chocolate Ice Cream with Raspberry Devil's Food Cake Pieces
Purple People Killer: Blueberry Ice Cream with Red Gummy Bits
The Howling Banandos: Banana Split Ice Cream
Pott of Pepper: Strawberry Ice cream with Salt and Pepper Chips
Loki's Revenge: Prune Ice cream with Garam Masala

Short Answer: I'm serious about these flavors.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Question: Dear Keith, I seem to be turning into a lazy piece of shit. Is there anything you can say to help get me motivated to get off the couch?

This is a tough one, because it's probably the fault of evolution that we're all turning into lazy pieces of shit. There was a time when you had to get off your ass to do anything. Now, we can pretty much run our entire lives from the couch. Yea, maybe we still can't pee and poop there, but we can shop, pay our bills, entertain ourselves, pontificate, receive beejes and so on. At least that's the stuff I do from the couch. (I also pee and poop there but that's a long, awesome story - see hamster tubes.)

Here's the deal brosephine. The only thing that will ever arrete the lazy piece-of-shittedness in your life is ambition. I know that's a big scary word for some one with motivational problems, but there is no secret. It goes a little something like this.

Step 1: Fuck, why am I still on the couch?
Step 2: I'm not getting anything done with my life.
Step 3: What do I want to do with my life?
Step 4: I want to be a (fill in the blank). Example: Dancer.
Step 5: Man the fuck up - balls grow two sizes that day
Step 6: Dance!

There's no trick. One day, you just go, "I want that," and you get the fuck up. If you don't have that thing that you want from life, then it's time to settle in. No big deal, it just means you're one of those people, the type that has no ambition, no motivation. Don't worry, man. Toilets need cleaning too.

Short Answer: It's okay to ride the couch once in awhile, but no one wants to be defined that way. "He was a good dude, loved his fucking couch," is not much of a eulogy. You know what is? "Boy could that fucker dance!"

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Question: Did you ever take LSD?

Does taking it in the womb count? Or through my mother's breast milk? Or through my mother's drug dealer?

No, I've never taken LSD. I am LSD. I don't need stimulants or hallucinogens; I'm like the evolution of a drug addict. I've got all the crazy already. I don't even drink caffeine. No joke. If I drink caffeine, I launch into fucking orbit.

One time I had a beer and I woke up in Mexico. There, beers are called cervezas.

Short Answer: I ate Indian food once and saw through time.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Question: Tell us one way your life has improved since coming out of the closet!

I can finally see the world around me! Living in a closet all these years, with only my computer to entertain me, I thought I was missing nothing. I thought the internet, supplied to me by a cord threaded under the closet door, was giving me all I needed. That pictures of things were enough. Now, I can see that a lot of these things they talk about online are real. Like bacon and pussy cats.

Short Answer: Also, I can finally have sex with dudes.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Question: Why does Hollywood seem to struggle with making good fantasy movies? Can you recommend some good ones that I may not have seen?

Anything fantastical could be considered Fantasy, I suppose, so I assume you're talking about high fantasy, sword and sorcery, Lord of the Rings type stuff.

As for Hollywood having trouble with Fantasy, I never really thought of it that way, but I guess there are fewer quality fantasy movies than other genres. Probably because it has the highest degree of suspension of disbelief. Even with sci-fi, you can sort of go, Oh yea, it's the future. Whereas Fantasy isn't even the past!

Willow, Labyrinth, Legend, Excalibur, Dragonslayer, King Arthur, Eragon (yea, I like Eragon, shut up), Jason and the Argonauts, Dragonheart, The Neverending Story, Highlander, The 13th Warrior, Conan the Barbarian, Ladyhawke, Clash of the Titans (1981), The Dark Crystal, The Princess Bride, Reign of Fire, The Sword and the Sorcerer, Outlander, The Dungeonmaster, Beowulf, Pathfinder, How to Train Your Dragon, Troy, Kingdom of Heaven, LOTR, Trollhunter, Time Bandits, Stardust.

It's kinda tough to decide what fits in a genre. If you allow for too much overlap, every damn thing can fit in. I left out all the samurai stuff, though a lot of that could be considered fantasy. I also excluded most of the fantastical films that don't have any staples of the literary fantasy genre. In truth, I'm not a big fan of some of these movies, but in the spirit of answerage, it's not a bad list, some great, some not so great. I tried to avoid the real schlock, like Beastmaster and Deathstalker, though in a way, those are great for what they are. But bad fantasy movies is another list (Red Sonja, Conan the Destroyer, Krull, Kull the Conqueror etc.)

Short Answer: My favorites, are probably:

10) Stardust
9) Dragonslayer
8) Outlander
7) Kingdom of Heaven
6) King Arthur
5) Reign of Fire
4) The Princess Bride
3) Troy
2) Highlander
1) Lord of the Rings

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Question: Sugar and caffeine have been bothering my locker recently. Can you recommend a good sugar and caffeine free diet soda?

Sorry to hear about your tummy.

Sadly, your options are limited, unless you want to get into some crazy sugar substitutes territory. (Like stevia or sucking it up.)

In the mainstream, you're looking at Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi, Diet Caffeine Free Coke, Diet 7UP, Diet Sprite, Diet Ginger Ale, Diet Orange Crush, Diet A&W Root Beer and Fresca. There are also any number of generic brand sody flavors. Safeway does a pretty mean diet grapefruit, for example.

Sadly, Dr. Pepper is out. Right out. They do not make a caffeine free product. They are assholes. Dr. assholes.

My favorite of the above mentioned is Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi, though as with any diet cola, you have to be ready for the fallback. It tastes great for awhile, then you'll crack one all of a sudden and be like, Who put a bunch of goat piss in my mouff? Then, you need to lay off for a bit, let your body get back to normal with some juicey-juice.

Short Answer: Get some club soda or some carbonated mineral water and half and half that with some low acid juice - that's the ticket. Also there's the make your own Italian style sody option, but that means using syrups, and though you can control the amount, you're still looking at a bunch of sugar. If you want to go that root, I'd recommend Torani's Blood Orange syrup and some Pelligrino. You can also throw a little cream into one of these bad boys. Yum.