Monday, April 30, 2012

Question: Why do you take flight when you jump off of a building?

I've got an ego like flying squirrel wings.

Short Answer: I don't really fly, I just float on arrogance like Magneto.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Question: What do animals do at night?

Bob Seger's cows are workin' on their night moos.

Short Answer: I can't go on after that. There is shame associated with how pleased I am.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Question: What time is it, Mr. Wolf?

12 o'clock. (When you answer twelve, every one has to take twelve steps. Then you say, dinner time, and you chase the kids and gut them, digging your fanged muzzle into their softest bits, dragging out glistening entrails, white and slick with red film and dark, chunks of organ meat.

I also like Red Rover where you run children over in a land rover.

Or Simon Says, where you tell them to beat each other to death with tire irons, and they can't say no 'cause you said Simon Says.

Children's games are so fun!

Short Answer: My favorite game as a kid was mace tag. (Not spray mace, medieval mace.) We lost a lot of good kids that day.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Question: Is exhibitionism sexy?

It is when I'm the audience.

Odd to think how hard I had to work to convince girls to show me their boobs when I was younger. I wonder if young men know they're living in the golden age of random nudity?

I think exhibitionism is cute when the thrill comes from the 'danger of getting caught'. I think that's the fun spirit of it. The, 'I don't give a fuck if everyone sees me naked' spirit isn't as fun.

Though I do like whores, too.

Short Answer: No one's ever pleased when dongs are out.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Question: Remember when life was as simple as coffee and cigarettes till all hours of the morning?

No. I was super high that whole time. I think I molested a pig once.

Short Answer: I don't remember how simple it was, but I do remember feeling super sick from doing it. Nothing's worse than cigarette and coffee gut rot.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Question: Why isn't it easy being green?

This isn't really true. It's one of those old wives' tales like butter gets off turpentine, or you shouldn't masturbate with turpentine, or where did the butter go and why is your penis covered in butter.

Traditionally, however, there have been some rough spots for green folk. For one, if you're a woman and green and from space, Captain Kirk is always trying to fuck you, and it's not easy to keep his phaser on stun. As a muppet, Kermit had to deal with having a human hand up his ass for a very long time, as did little Robin, which is pretty messed up. Doing that to such a young muppet?

Hulk was horribly misunderstood, and that ain't easy. The Jolly Green Giant got fingered in a pyramid scheme, even though he had nothing to do with it. Some say it was Jack who ratted him out. Martians have been getting a bad rap for centuries, so bad in fact that they had to alter their appearance and come to earth as hippies.

Frankenstein only killed one little girl and the whole town got up in his grill. Greedo has been part of one of the biggest nerd-fuckenings in recent history. Poor guy's rolling over in his grave. If he shot first, he wouldn't have missed from there. The Creature from the Black Lagoon turned to a life of crime, though under the sea, mermaid rape means a bunch of different things and may have just been an analogy. Gumby shot himself in the part of his body that's probably his head. There was green snot everywhere in that Los Angeles penthouse.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles had it pretty far from easy. At first, they didn't want to come out of the closet, and then, though they had gained the courage of conviction through rigorous martial arts training regimes, they realized there were only four gay mutant turtles in the entire world. Whether incest was taken off the table or not is not for us to say.

Godzilla lost his tail once, but it grew back. Oscar the Grouch was dealing meth out of his garbage can, and all of his teeth rotted up from sampling his own wares. The Grinch, despite changing his ways, got beaten to death by a great big Electrowhocardioshnooks in the possession of some drunken, teenage whos. They were tried under the who law of hate crimes and got stuffed up a chimney for life.

Shrek fell in love with a fat girl. Yoda got turned into a computer or something and the Wicked Witch of the West, despite giving most of her earnings to the World Wildlife Fund for the safe preservation of monkeys, gets a bad rap for stapling wings on them.

Short Answer: I take it back. It's not easy being green.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Question: My father still wears wire rimmed glasses. What do I do?

1) Leave your father alone
2) If it's that bad, poke his eyes out.
3) When he's asleep, shave the ends down, then get him drunk the next morning. Coerce him to remove his glasses...watch him poke his own eyes out.
4) Get the irony of the last suggestion
5) Are wire rimmed glasses really that out of style that's it's a problem for you? You know about genocide and hunger and shit, right?
6) I like toys. The concept of something built just for fun.
7) Oh, right, the question. Get him to wear wire shirts and wire mankini bottoms so he looks like he's back in style. Or a denim vest, that might work.
8) Contact lenses.

Short Answer: If you found out there were no lenses in them, and he was just wearing them to be cool, would you have the balls to break his little heart and tell him he looks like a douche nugget? Would you?

Monday, April 23, 2012

Question: Can you get many erections in a row?

I guess if I knew enough horny dudes...

I assume the question is referring to sexual prowess. Yes, I can get many erections in a row, if by in a row you mean day after day. If you mean, right after 'finishing up' with one erection, the answer is no sir. What I can get after 'finishing up' with one erection, is pizza. I can get many slices of pizza in an row. So it goes like this. Erection. Finish up. Slice of pizza, slice of pizza, slice of pizza and so on.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I get sleepy after popping my top, but I do get sitty. I want to sit, and watch the sports on the tv. And sody. And the pizza thing. The last thought on my mind after 'forcing the seal to vomit' is another round. In fact, the idea of any sort of sexual congress once I've just finished 'alienating the in-laws' is disgusting to me. Why would I want to 'jack in the box' once I've just completed a good session of 'stand behind the elephant'?

Short Answer: I mean, how many men, after completing a session of 'porridge pumper' wants to engage in any sort of 'de-barking'? Who gives 'er a good 'meat-curtain butchering' and then thinks, let's go for a 'milk-sprinkler?' I know. It's like taking a 'fist dump' and then being all like, here comes a 'wet weasel'!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Question: What the hell is going on in Pittsburgh/Philly?

Yea, hockey. They're scoring a lot of goals. They're the two highest scoring teams in the league this year, so that coupled with a few shaky goal tending performances kinda sums it all up. No mystery, nothing in the water, the Devil isn't involved (yet).

What's more important is the fact that I think I have to go to the bathroom. Like, #2. And I'm a little concerned, 'cause yesterday was my birthday and I ate a lot of different things. I'm not sure how things are gonna turn out. I'm sorry for all this concern and heartfelt delivery; I'm worried about my bum.

Short Answer: Get ready to call my mom.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Question: What do you do with a drunken sailor?

Beat the carp out of him.

Short Answer: I feel like I should apologize for some reason...

Friday, April 20, 2012

Question: It's 4-20, today. Do you smoke marijuana?

No. I don't smoke weed. When I was a kid I smoked weed, when it wasn't too much of a detriment to be giggly, hungry and tired all the time. I don't drink either, for that matter. When I was a kid I drank, when it wasn't too much of a detriment to be annoying, horny and nauseated all the time.  I don't do quaaludes. When I was a kid it was alright to do quaaludes, when it wasn't too much of a detriment to kill a guy.

I don't do mescalin 'cause I don't want to shit my pants and I don't do LSD 'cause I don't want to see through time. I won't eat moldy cheese 'cause it stresses me out, even though technically cheese is made of mold. I don't like to kiss on the lips 'cause I had cooties once and it was awfully itchy. Sexual intercourse is right out.

What I will do is pizza, sody, yoghurt on the day of expiry, fast-food poutine, sex to the face, snuff, chewing tobacco and once in awhile, a shit-ton of cocaine, but only when it's not too much of a detriment to wear eighties blazers with rolled up sleeves, spike my hair, and play on a jungle gym at four in the morning.

Short Answer: I fear that drugs will inhibit my brain from working at full capacity, and that's scary. To deaden yourself at all, at any time, seems strange to me.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Question: Does accidentally (or on purpose) walking in on your parents damage a person?

No. Filming sucked a little.

Short Answer: If you're doing it on purpose, you walk in on your sister changing, not your parents humping. What's wrong with you?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Question: Have you ever come across something you wrote a long time ago, but have no recollection whatsoever of writing it? Like as if somebody else wrote it and put your name on it?

Yes, that has happened, but never with something lengthy. Like, if there's even a paragraph I'll remember it. But every now and again I'll find a scrap of paper with a line or two on it and I won't remember having written it.

Hold on, I'll go through my old note books I've got here and see if I can find a funny example.

Okay, here's a few that I don't remember writing, nor do I have any clue what they mean or what I was supposed to do with them.

Hindu Dinosaurs
Robots and Roballs
Eyesight (minus) poor (equals) moonfull
Death drives a Gremlin
The Great Nippled Eagle
"Just let him hit you, he's got dementia."
Emerald green, no forest, wooden tin man - screams
Trophy Wife - Jesus Wept

Short Answer: The Animal Thing was taunting - except in a small sub-section. What the hell are you supposed to make of that?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Question: Why is maven used to signify a particular expertise and not a male raven?

Because a male raven is called a cockasaur for one.

Secondably, Maven was the name of a wrestler and once you become famous as a wrestler, your name can't be used in anything else. Ask the World Wildlife Fund or my daughter, who's name was supposed to be Ask Hulk Hogan Anything.

Short Answer: Female duck off.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Question: Do you think the Canucks can still win?

For those who don't follow hockey, the Vancouver Canucks are in the Stanley Cup Playoffs right now and they're losing their best of seven series with the LA Kings 3-0. If you still don't follow hockey, you may not be entertained by the rest of this answer.

No. The Canucks cannot win. I'm sorry. I'm a very positive person and I like to stand behind my team, but only three times in Stanley Cup Playoff history has a team come back from 3-0 down to win a series. This time, the team down by three is playing against the goaltender that will win the Vezina this year, and will probably be nominated for the Hart. Quick is the quintessential steal a game goaltender and he only needs to steal one from here on out. Not good.

I could have some hope, based on the fact that anything is possible, but watching four games in a row, clinging to hope while fearing the inevitable is not a fun experience. Better to let go, and be pleasantly surprised if it does happen.

It's hard being a fan in Vancouver. I've defended this team so many times to the stupid masses of bandwagon jumpers and haters, that I'm finally worn out. They haven't played well enough, and that's that. If they don't play a whole lot better, they won't win. I'm tired of apologizing. Let the people who have no clue what they're talking about have their say, I'll be at home, reading.

Short Answer: No exaggeration, every single thing, every iota of opinion that I've heard in passing conversation in this city since the playoffs have started has been completely moronic. From "Seden should get over his pussy headache" to "Missing Ehroff real bad on the powerplay" to "Luongo sucks" there are an awful lot of people who assume they understand hockey just because of where they live. Geography does not make your opinion valid. Try being a fan your whole life and attempting to understand the intricacies of the game, then you can mouth off a little.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Question: How much for a shoeshine?

The price will be that the shoe has to be attached to a woman, and that woman has to be wearing a skirt and I have to be wearing one of those miner helmets with a light and there has to be a strong breeze. So strong, in fact, that not only does it flutter a skirt but it also rips panties clear off.

Short Answer: I'm not shining your shoes. I'm a man. I'm a man! (cries)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Question: Who hates leaves?

I imagined this question being sung in that voice people use, that musical abortion, when they're teasing someone (or a dog) with something. Like the way you'd say it if the person had been attacked by leaves as a child and you thought it was funny.

Realistically, who would hate a damn leaf? What's a leaf ever done to you but supply you with precious oxygen and pretty gunk to look up at? I'd be surprised if there was anyone out there who hates leaves. Maybe, if there was a scenario, like in the fall, when a leaf fell from a tree and landed on the windshield of your car and you couldn't see and you took the baby carriage out of some one's hands like a speeding train, plastering the child's soft business all over the grill of your gas guzzler, then, then I could see why you might have a problem with leaves.

Short Answer: I hate to see leaves but I love watching them waft away. Get it? Like asses. Yep.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Question: What's the shortest answer you could give?

I suppose the shortest answer I could give would be a recounting of my time in the waiting room at a hospital in Victoria I once attended. It was a bleak night, wet, the kind of night that beckons your motivation but shies away from your intent. I remember how, earlier that day at around noon, I'd thought of the hospital, in a fleeting way, as a bird drip-drops from tree limb to tree limb, looking for that lucky morsel or perfect view. Though periodically aroused by happenstance...

Short Answer: I think you get the joke.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Question: Should Corey Shnieder start game two?

Wow. Not to be a dick, but it's Cory Schneider. That wasn't even close.

Already? We're already talking about pulling Luongo? He had a good game one, leave it alone you ravenous jerks. I get it, there's some sketchiness there, but for every time the guy's played a poor game, he's played two awesome ones. Dude had four shutouts in the playoffs last year, including two in the Stanley Cup Finals. He had a well-earned reputation, before the last few seasons, for stepping up in important situations and performing well.

I'm willing to entertain the idea that if he doesn't play well in the playoffs, or if Cory Schneider takes over and plays really well, that it might be time to sign off on the Luongo era. Until those things happen, he's our guy; show a little support. It's easy to blame the goalie, especially if you don't know shit about hockey, which in Vancouver, seems like a lot of people.

You know what the mark of a true fan is? Someone who chills the fuck out and understands that adversity is part of sport. You don't become a sports fan to have a new reason to bitch.

Short Answer: You might not see Schneider at all in the playoffs; get over it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Question: What do you do when you're having, 'One of those days'?

I usually put on a turtleneck, and then a hooded sweater over it.

I make two fried eggs, one runny. If I screw it up, I start again.

Then, I'll warm up some mayonnaise and take the dogs I don't own on a metaphorical walk.

I write lyrics to a song about writing lyrics.

I moisten my dry cake in the sink.

After having accomplished so much, I like to take a relish bath.

Beyond that, I like to wing it.

Short Answer: I didn't really understand the question. Does any of this fit?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Question: Tell me how much you love Readers Digest.

It's not command monkey-Keith to do a task. It's 'ask' Keith anything. Like, "Please, Sir Keith, could you spare the time to assess your love of Readers Digest for us? Please?" Wait, is that even a question? At least their was a question mark, and the tone of grovelling does it for me.

Does Readers Digest still exist? And is there supposed to be a possessive? Is it Reader's Digest? I don't know. The only memory I have of it (besides seeing it in doctor's offices when I was young - thanks for those memories) is reading that story where the guy had to cut his own arm off. That would've been a great endorsement for the book except then they made a movie about it and as it turns out reading the article was a damned waste of time. Franco wasn't even in the article, you believe that?

Short Answer: I'm fond of the size of Readers Digest because it reminds of those little pocket comic books that used to exist. My first comic ever was one of those about the Legion of Super-Heroes and it had all the legionnaires' origins in the back. I'm alone in my house but somebody just called me a nerd.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Question: Paper or Plastic?

I don't know what the trends are these days, but I went to a grocery store the other day, the only one that I know that still asks this question, and they didn't ask it. Paper no more. And I thought that paper was better for the planet and junk.

I honestly think this question is going the way of the dildo. It's not really a choice anymore. If it was, I do like the idea of paper, unless I have something very heavy to carry, like a bunch of sody. Which is often.

Is it possible those cloth bags are taking over? You know, the ones you buy and then forget to bring back to the store? I'll tell you what the problem with those is; handles are too long. You've gotta engage too many muscles to keep your groceries from dragging on the ground like a couple of loose nutsacks. That's no good.

Short Answer: I guess, maybe, the third option. Felt, or whatever those other ones are made of. Linen? I don't know.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Question: Jesus versus the Easter Bunny?

As I've established on Twitter this week, I believe in the power of Super-Jesus and I don't think, with his powers of resurrection and bad ass boulder-movery that he could be bested by a rabbit. Still, the Easter bunny has some formidable powers - like not getting arrested for pedophilia. I'm guessing what we've got here is a classic battle of who you know. Jesus is the son of god, and the Easter bunny, with his mischievous egg hiding and possible chickeny cross-breeding, is the son of Satan. And we all know Satan wins, 'cause he cheats.

Short Answer: As much as I get a kick out of Super-Jesus, he doesn't supply presents at Christmas a la Santa Claus and he doesn't give us huge ass choco rabbits at Easter. I think he's falling behind the times. Winner: Easter Bunny and all his strange, furry-sex loving impostors.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Question: Would you like fries with that?

No. No I would not. When I go to a fast food place, I like to maximize my dollars by purchasing very little filler. I buy hamburgers, sandwiches if you must. I don't buy combos, I don't buy drinks. I have drinks at home.

The one exception is poutine. I love poutine. I love it when it's good and even more when it's bad. I'll eat it out of a shoe (and have), I'll even eat it out of the fridge, which is awful because fries that have been refrigerated don't really taste like food anymore.

Fries are bad for you. Don't get me wrong, it's all bad for you, but the fast food fry doesn't even try to hide it with lettuce and tomato. It's a stick of salted oil. Yum.

You know what I do want with me friggin' happy meal, though? I want a smile. That's right. I know your job is shitty, but I'm one of those customers who makes an extra effort to be polite and treat you like a human being. So I want service. Frown at the assholes who make you feel small, not at the guy who makes a bunch of vagina jokes. And if vagina jokes make you uncomfortable, you probably shouldn't be working in a business that's the equivalent on the socio-economic food chain of a filthy undercarriage.

Short Answer: Keep your fries. I'll have another Teen Burger, just the burger.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Question: Why are stop signs red?

That's the color of stopping.

Why is your face stupid?

The ancient Greeks adopted red as the color of warning and danger, and it stood up till now 'cause no one had a better idea. Some people claim that as humans, we are alarmed by the color red because it's the color of blood, much the same way that Vulcans are alarmed by someone being illogical.

See what I did there?

Anyway, the people who think that stop signs signify blood are on the drugs.

Short Answer: Imagine a brown stop sign. You wouldn't care. You'd be like, "Fuck this shit-lookin' sign, I'm goin' the fuck through." You'd totally be like that.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Question: Someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye. Till then, baby, are you gonna let 'em hold you down and make you cry?

Pretty sure this is a lyric from the song Hold On by Wilson Phillips.

I don't think I even understand what's being said. Sounds kinda like generic pop lyrics to me.

I guess I have to answer, though.

Here goes.

The only people I would allow to hold me down and make me cry would be the gang of men I hired to play out my rape fantasy. The answer to this question will be no, unless we're referring specifically to the rape gang. Again, just the rape gang, no one else is allowed to hold me down and make me cry. Just so we're clear, if there hasn't been payment in advance, and we have not established a safe word, there is no reason you should be on top of me, not letting me up, with me sobbing uncontrollably. If your name isn't Harold from the gym, and you don't have two black friends and one Hispanic acquaintance, and I didn't meet you in a bar and subtly slide a manila envelope full of toonies under the peanuts that you then took into your possession, sliding the manila envelop into the pocket of your leather trousers, then there is no reason that you should be incapacitating me in any why while I'm moaning, or sulking or sad.

By the way, I find this song inspirational.

Short Answer: My go to safe word is "Peanut Butter Cookies". You always want to pluralize your safe word. Trust me, when you're in a panic, it's hard to refer to one object. You'll appreciate the freedom of being allowed to put an S on there, trust me. Seriously, if things have gotten too 'real' yelling 'Bowler Hat' isn't going to get across the desperation that yelling 'Bowler Hats' will. Plus, you'll be adding swears, which makes it feel a little more grammatically correct. You: 'Motherfucking Bowler Hats! Plenty of them! A shit-ton of Bowler Hats!'

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Question: Are you going to the mall later?

Ha. That's from Billy Madison. I like that movie.

No, I'm not going to the mall. The only time I ever go to the mall is if I have three to six things to do that I hate. Then, the mall seems appropriate. Like, "Hey, today I need to buy a present for someone I don't care about, eat a strangely sized muffin, listen to crappy dance remakes of my favorite songs, have access to New York Fries and Teen Burgers for lunch (actually that's a good one)...wait, what was I talking about? Now I can't get fuckin' Teen Burgers out of my head. I fuckin' love Teen Burgers.

Anyway, the mall blows. It's a good place for jackets, I guess.

You know what I particularly hate about the mall? Seeing how slutty everyone is. It's like this epic challenge to try to only check out the girls of legal age; and that's very, very hard sometimes. 'Cause you can't check the girl out longer if you're not sure, you know? I end up just checking out old ladies and being mildly to unusually disappointed. Besides that, if an old dude catches you checkin' out his babygrandmama, he will fuck you up cane style.

Short Answer: Soon, no one will go to the mall, because it's easier to text when you're not a slut on parade. (Or watching said parade.)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Question: You're awesome. I love you. I didn't really have a question.

The fact that someone took the time to write this made me want to post it as a question, even though there isn't a question. Let's not start a trend here, though. If you want to show your support, follow me on Twitter (@RKeithKennedy) or like my Keith Kennedy fan page on Facebook. I appreciate your kind words, but I can't really answer things that aren't questions, though if I have to, I will try.

Yes I'm awesome. Yes you love me. And you do have a question, deep in your heart. And the answer is yes. I will bone you.

Short Answer: This was written by my mom, wasn't it? Damn.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Question: Do you make art?

Wow. I think we all make art. I think that if more people allowed themselves the luxury of feeling like they could create something from nothing, the world would be a better place.

That better place would be filled with shitty art, but who needs quality control when boobies.

Short Answer: Art is so subjective, that anything subjective could be art.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Question: What do you really think of April Fools day?

I love it. I makes me so happy I wanna shit. Like naked and hard, all down over my ankles. Huge, joy craps, full of the correct amount of roughage.

What's better than being so happy that you lose complete control of your bodily functions? All day, just random, appropriate poops.  Skirts, skorts, khakis, chinos, cords, speedos, balloon pants - you name it, I'll fill it with feces, baby!

Short Answer: April Fools day can go F itself in the old A.