Saturday, March 31, 2012

Question: What do you think of April Fools day?

I hate it. I hate pranks. I think they're the lowest, most vile form of entertainment. It's one thing to laugh at another's pain or discomfort, it's another thing entirely to cause or create it. Pranks make me angry and punchy. Nothing else makes me punchy.

Short Answer: This is not a joke. I hate pranks. I'd rather have a date with a murderous clown.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Question: If you had a time machine (let's be honest, you do), what one thing would you bring back to the past to blow their minds?

One thing, eh?

How about if I went back in the past, and set up a series of events that would inspire one person to ask this very question?

Of course that would indicate that I had an answer already prepared for the question. Having a time machine and thinking ahead are not linked the way one might imagine.

There are some obvious paths to go down here, items that would indicate a depth of progression beyond being shocking. Things like lighters, bags of chips, guns, penis pills and antibiotics/antiseptics. But personally?

I'd have to say a globe. Imagine taking a globe back to a time before they'd quite mapped everything, before they were sure that the world was round. It would alter their thinking entirely, and set before them information that they never would have fathomed. It would quickly make their world seem quite a bit smaller, though still large and amazing. Then I'd tell them that the globe represented only one of millions of similar bodies in the sky, and they'd hang me.

Short Answer: It's funny to think that maybe some of the people who've been burned as witches or thrown in dungeons for their blasphemy might be from the future. Does that mean their time machines are still out there? Could someone from the past learn to use one? Is Carl, your idiot neighbour, a caveman? You decide!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Question: Honey Badger?

Cute as? Yes
Smelly as? Not often.
Horny as? In the morning.
Skin as thick as? No. I sometimes feel hurtsesses.
Weaselly as? Only in skirmishes.
Poetic as? I'm much more poetic than a honey badger, a'ight?
As serious a poultry poacher as? We talkin' KFC, hells yeah.
Lovable as? That's up for you to decide, sweety-pie.
As smooth with women as? I like boobs.
Make as much money as? Sadly, yes, I make about the same.
As beady-eyed as? Only in bright lights with bad intentions.

Short Answer: Looks like a yes.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Question: Why do ladies wear high heels?

Some men love the whole high heel thing. I guess it lends some sophistication to a woman, especially when she's butt naked otherwise and there's no other way for her to exhibit that quality. Unless she somehow has a sophisticated vagina.

High heels have been around for a long time. Egyptians were the first, it would seem. Besides the upper classes wearing them, butchers would wear high heels to keep their feet out of the blood muck. In Rome and Greece, actors wore high heels to designate different characters and social status. Later, Roman prostitutes would also wear them, so you could tell they were prostitutes. Still works.

There's also this whole thing about the evolution of the heel as something that helped stirrups work better, and many other peoples wore various types of heels to keep their feet out of the mud. It evolved to the point where both men and women wore them in the French court, until the late 18th century, when the Revolution caused heels to be associated with the upper class, and that nearly killed them. They rebounded as a fashion thing for women in the late 19th century.

People claim that high heels make the legs look longer, the calves more defined, the foot shorter, the arch more pronounced etc. It's all supposed to make a lady look hotter, though originally, in a fashion sense, it was just supposed to make them look taller.

Whether or not it makes them look hotter is a personal thing, so it's surprising that the high heel has lasted now that it has no real practical application. Just another one of those things, like make up, that nobody really needs, but for some reason, most women feel is a necessary evil.

They should focus more on getting a sophisticated vagina.

Short Answer: I find those high heels with the oval-shaped opening at the toes to be repulsive.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Question: If a woman approached you and said, "Meet me in the bathroom" what would you do?

First, I'd do that clenching, squeezing pressure thing to see if I had to go. If I do have to go, number one that is, I'd approach the bathrooms, then get very confused as to which bathroom I should go into. Choosing the urinal one, I'd go and pee. If she was in there, which she probably isn't, she could go pee in the toilet. If it was a number two I had to do, I'd just leave and go home. I don't like using public restrooms for poops, and besides, pooping side by side with someone is just weird.

Now, assuming that the woman wasn't inviting me to either pee or poop with her, I'd try to figure out what it was she wanted with me in a bathroom. Maybe I look like a woman and she wants me to hold her hair while she barfs. I'd check what I was wearing to see if I looked like the janitor, 'cause she might want me to tidy up before she does her business.

It probably wouldn't occur to me that she might want to do some sort of sex to my body, because I get shy when my willy's out, and I wouldn't want to blush in front of a stranger.

Of course there's always the possibility that we're not out in public, in which case, the rules all change. I'd hump her facehole.

Short Answer: I don't know if I'd be capable of getting it on in a public bathroom. That's a pretty nasty place in my estimation. Maybe that's the point for some people, but I like to do my funky nonsense on freshly washed sheets with one of those rolls of doctor paper within easy reach, naked but for a holster containing antibacterial Febreeze.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Question: What's the shortest answer you give?

Funny you should ask that question. Back in the war, when I was around a group of men who at the time were commonly known as 'sausage fellows' though the term has mutated drastically since, thanks to the ever changing vernacular of a society reliant on verbal communication, and the simple fact that sausages grew to represent various forms of tubed meat, mostly including pork and spices but sometimes other meats, and the fact that fellows, once denoting a good old boy now sometimes refers to women with male parts who do shows where they show all their other parts and you want to do sex to them but then your friend leans over and says, "Dude, that guy is a sausage fellow." and you're all like, "Funny you should mention that, friend, for sausage fellow used to refer to something else, and then he says, "Isn't it interesting how terms mutate drastically thanks to the ever changing vernacular of a society reliant on verbal communication." And I'm all like, "Shut up you long winded ass I'm trying to watch the dong show."

Short Answer: I guess the finger is the shortest answer I could give. Though some of my ex-girlfriends might beg to differ. (Just so we're clear, that was supposed to be a small penis joke not a finger banging joke. I don't do finger banging jokes. That's too far, man. Too far. Like, second knuckle far.)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Question: I have a dinner coming up soon, taser or empty coke can filled with cement?

With fish or chicken, go with the taser, but if you're having something game-y, even beef, you definitely want the hot, red spray that only a coke can filled with cement can supply.

Short Answer: Head Wound Dinner Party would be a good name for something.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Question: Is tickling the same as teasing? Context is at your discretion.

Context is always at my discretion, motherfucker. What do you think this is, a goddamn democracy? You think I need your permission? I will turn this car around. I'll do it. Don't think I won't do it. Don't.

(I just paused, for dramatic effect, in between typing those last few phrases. As if somehow that would come across and enhance the humour. I am an idiot. You're right to give me direction.)

Tickling is a panic reflex brought on by douchebags touching different aspects of human undercarriage - pit, sole or other. (That's why you can't tickle yourself.) Teasing makes my wee-wee stand up. They are not the same. Teasing means underboob and sultry looks. Teasing means the possibility of not-to-distant hard mouth shagging.

Tickling is not that or those things.

Short Answer: I like when a lady shows me her official lady business, credentials up front, interests and hobbies 'in the back'.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Question: Close your eyes. Picture Tom Hardy and Chris Pine slowly undressing each other. Now open your eyes. Do you have a boner? Do I have a boner?

Okay here goes...yea...uh-huh...alright...a bra?...wasn't expecting so many freckles...that's a low ball...dry...smarmy...done.

To my utmost surprise, no boner. Not even a broner. Or a sympathetic thickening. I guess, despite how talented these guys are they don't...boobs.

As for you lady, you may have a pretty saucy wide-on, but I doubt you have a boner. If you're a dude, you probably had a boner while writing this question, so yes. Yes you have a boner.

Short Answer: Boner.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Question: Why do crows sound like Predators?

Often, crows are aggressive when attending to their crow babies, and they want to scare the bejesus out of you. Crows have been fans of Schwarzenheimer since he played John Matrix in Commando, and it just became a thing to emulate him, in multiple ways. Also, the whole scarecrow thing has always pissed them off, so any opportunity to capitalize on what scares humans, they're into. Having noticed the effect the Predators sound had on us, they adopted it. Before that, Crows used to sound like a wordless exclamation from Jimmy Stewart.

Short Answer: Heckle and Jeckle did a short run on Broadway of Ivan Reitman's Twins. I hear it went pretty well.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Question: If seeing-eye dogs were to go on strike, which animal would be best-suited to take over their jobs? Would their handlers notice the difference?

The answer, as is the answer when you're talking about any job that an animal does, is that you should give it to a human. A homeless person knows the neighborhood great. He can tell you where to go for a nominal fee. And he might smell better than a dog. Just kidding.

You know that rule where you're not allowed to pet a seeing eye dog? Yea, I know it's fucking stupid, that's not the point. I'm wondering, are blind people allowed to touch their own hogs...I mean dogs? Cause if not, they won't notice if they've got a homeless guy at the end of one of those harness/handle contraptions. Also, homeless guys or girls are often as hairy as a dog, so even if they did pet them, there's a good chance they wouldn't notice. I mean, let's be honest, noticing things is not a blind person's strength, by definition.

The Statler and Waldorf dictionary says: blind 1. the art or act of not noticing shit. 2. not being able to see past the end of your nose, or worse.

Short Answer: Seriously, what is the worst that can happen if you pet a seeing eye dog? It's not like you're distracting them while crossing the street, or anything. Dog's just sitting there being adorable. It's bullshit, man. I'd rather be blind than not be able to pet a blind person's dog. No I wouldn't. (Just for the record, I have many blind friends, so back off...get it? Cause no one has many blind friends. That would be taxing.)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Question: Why is one of my balls lower than the other?

Escape attempt.
Conditional gravity.
Trying to get away from the other one.
You're old on one side.
Ball stroke.

Short Answer: It's fine. One of my balls is considerably lower.  Considerably.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Question: Why do fools fall in love?

Because even fools crave 'tang.

Also, fools often make decisions with their business area. They'll be like, "I should talk to that girl, even though I'm drunk and she's probably fat through the knees." Then in the morning they're like, "Yep."

In summary, we all fall in love, but fools get more attention because they often think they've fallen in love, when all they've really done is confuse love with the art of wanting to tap it. No problem though, when true love comes along, I'm sure they recognize it. Right?

Short Answer: Here's a tip. If she offers you anal on the first go, might not be love.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Question: Where do headaches come from?

Your head is directly connected to your ass in much the same way that your mouth is directly connected to your foot and your favored hand is directly connected to your junk/lady junk.

Often times, if you sit on something uncomfortable, you will get a headache. Sometimes it's stress or dehydration or tumours, but mostly it's the sitting on something lumpy thing.

Four out of five male doctors would make out with each other. This in no way proves my point, but after talking about lady junk, I thought I've give the Vaginal Americans out there a nice image - a doctor orgy - to go out on.

Short Answer: Get your head out of your ass and you'll feel a whole lot better.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Question: What do you like to do on St. Patty's Day?

What I do every other day...fuck leprechauns against their will. It's not rape if it's a leprechaun, at least that's what my t-shirt says.

I don't do anything for St. Patrick's Day, just like I don't do anything special on any other day that I'm told I'm supposed to be doing something special. I just do what I want every day, and every day is a fucking riot.

You should try that shit.

Short Answer: I worry about 'holidays' that encourage people to identify with a cultural group through its worst stereotype. We don't have Mexican Day where we all work too hard for little pay, Jewish Day where we complain about pig meat, or Black Guys Day where we steal your bike.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Question: Who's a Chatty Cathy?

Err...I am?

I guess the first Chatty Cathy was that doll that spoke, but if you're implying there was a human soul in there, trapped and unable to communicate with the world but forced to stare out at humanity through hateful, lifeless eyes, I'll bet, based on when they died, it was either George Reeves (the original Superman) or Buddy Holly. Each is equally funny.

Frank Lloyd Wright also died in 1959 (the year the doll was introduced), as did Cecil B. Demille. Those guys being trapped in a doll Chucky-style isn't quite as funny, though. I suppose you could make a case for Frank Lloyd Wright, but I'm not gonna. No sir.

The original Chatty Cathy had eleven phrases, but when the souls of the dead were sucked into the little dolls, they were able to add one of their own phrases, you know, for an even dozen.

Buddy Holly's was, "I don't know why people are so afraid to fly. They say it's safer than riding in an automocar."

George Reeves's was, "I'll bet I'm gonna make Ben Affleck's acting career legitimate. Someday."

Short Answer: Errol Flynn also died in 1959. He would have made the best guy in the doll for a horror movie. Picture Chatty Cathy running around, her face all screwed-up, pencil thin mustache on her upper lip, yelling, "Please take me with you!" while letting loose arrow after poison-tipped arrow.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Question: Why isn't there more attention given to the growing epidemic of First World Problems?

Because we're all so busy and stressed out, that's way. Gotta get milk, can't seem to keep that in the house. I've got a hair appointment and an eye appointment and I have to go to the fucking dentist twice a year if not more, and that's probably coming up soon. Car insurance needs to be done, and that means Air Care, which is another hassle. Besides all that there's work, you know. And you know how work is. People not refilling the coffee machine and the fridge being full of old crap and the microwave is always dirty. It's like Hell.

Gotta take the garbage out almost every day. Power went out and it took nearly an hour to get it back. One time the water went for over a day, but that's neither here nor there. Just inconvenience after inconvenience. I don't know how we survive.

And my stupid movie delivery service isn't getting enough titles, but they keep charging more for their service. I want to stop using the service, except I'm not sure if I'll be able to access all the movies that I want to see. It's fucking rough, man. Rough.

How can we be expected to pay any attention to anything? As it is my dog starved to death and my grandma's somewhere outside, I think.

Short Answer: You see I can't pay attention to the First World Problems because I have so many. Get it? I'm ignorant!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Question: If Stan Lee is the face of Marvel Comics who's the face of DC Comics?

There isn't one. There I've said it. I've tried to figure this out, especially so that all those Marvel Stan Lee heads out there don't continue to think that DC sucks just because they didn't have Stan Lee. But I can't find an equivalent. And to tell the truth, though to some this is utter blasphemy, I'm not even sure that Stan Lee was the Stan Lee of Marvel comics. I think his rep has been built up to pop culture-y levels and people give him too much credit. Now I'm not here to take away merit badges or send anyone out to 'find the bear' I'm just saying there were other dudes who helped out a lot around that time (Kirby and Ditko, to name a few). The 'marvel method' that was employed at Marvel during that era by definition requires a lot of input from the artist, so a lot of Stan Lee's stories were just ideas, handed to an artist to plot, then Lee would fill in the word balloons.

Nowadays, writers and creators work for all different companies, so there may never be another Stan Lee anywhere, someone credited with forever altering the state of mainstream comics.

Quite simply, though it's illogical in one way, I think you'll see my point, Batman is the face of DC comics. It used to be Superman, but people got wise.

Short Answer: Don't get me wrong, here. I understand Stan Lee's contribution, I just think it's about time we give proper credit to all the writers who took the ball and ran with it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Question: Can you explain the concept of Dall Bogging?

Yea, it's that thing were the rigors and stresses of daily life make you feel like you have a million things to do all the time and then one more thing comes up and you're about to lose your mind but you've almost lost your mind a million times before so instead you kind of go limp and your brain gets a little soft like oatmeal and you want to start crying but you know if you start crying you won't get anything done so you use your last iota of energy to suck it up but then you have no energy left for anything so you sit very still for a while.

Short Answer: I've been dall bogging it a lot lately.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Question: I mean wow, what are the odds?

Yea, it's absurd. I wouldn't have thought it possible. And from that angle? With such inexpensive equipment? And relying so heavily on precedent and exposure? Let alone the personal, psychological and familial cost of such an endeavor. And the moxie! All in all a momentous occasion that may transform everything as we know it.

Short Answer: I'd say, odds wise, 1 in 2 or somethin'.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Question: How would you unify gravity with the other forces?

I'd buy it a pretty dress. (I mean a slutty dress.) Then, I'd get everybody hammered and let nature take its course. (I mean quantam gang bang - which is how the universe began, I think.)

Short Answer: Gravity gives good head, for obvious reasons.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Question: What color is smurf piss?


Short Answer: I was in the mood to write a longer answer, there just isn't much to say on this front. Do you think Smurfette showers with the dudes? I mean, they can't have female accommodations built for only one person, that's ridiculous. Maybe she's not a chick at all. Maybe she's got a dick, and they just dress her up like a chick so they can feel like they're not in a giant, blue sausage fest all the time. Maybe her name was Squeaky smurf or Manboobs smurf and the rest were like, "Hey, let's turn Cheekbones smurf into a chick." And then they were like, "Do we have to bang her?" And then, "Yea, of course." Then, "I'm in."

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Question: Who did it? What did they do? When did they do it? Where did it happen? Why?

My dog
Took a poop
Sometime this morning
On my foot
'Cause I slept in

My boss
Yelled at me
Two nights ago
In my foyer
'Cause he was drinking

My wife
Made sex to a chick
On my birthday
In my bed
'Cause I threatened to take away the magic of Shlong Ballsenberg if she didn't

My nephew
Ate a cheezie from beneath the couch
At my house
'Cause he's a stupid baby

My agent
Skyped me up
Last night
From Atlantic City
'Cause he wanted to share his experience of banging two hookers at one time

Short Answer: This is a lot of questions for one question. I get it though. I get it.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Question: What are symptoms for the made-up disorder: Cronshinsins?

1) light breathing
2) penchant for sunhats
2) counting problems
4) multi-position defecation
5) water sprinkler pees
6) pain in the assthroat
7) compassion for seeds
8) elevated hand gestures
9) chronic old
10( backwards punctuation
11) not remembering the alamo
12) interest in glasswork
13) desire to record squirrel hijinks
14) spelling errors
15) looking too hard for spelling errors
16) low fingers
17) craving for crust sandwiches
18) fluttering
19) facecrotch
20) lower back pain

Short Answer: Don't assume that if you have a case of facecrotch that you have Cronshinins. Even though Eloise Cronshinis had notorious facecrotch, it is usually indicative of less serious conditions, such as ugly and smellmouth.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Question: Is madness 'In' this year?

If you're talking chambray, lace, nude tones and florals, then yes, yes, yes!

That's the kind of madness we can all dip our dirty fingers in.

Sorry. I don't know if you know this: the Fender Telecaster has three settings, but you can lodge the switch between them to create slightly different sounds. In that realm, sometimes, when I go to click on bold, I hit the seam between bold and italic and everything I write comes out a little gay.

Just like the salty undercarriage of an Irishman, this question leaves me in a pickle. Did that even make any sense? See, here's the problem with questions about madness. As soon as you start questioning things, they all seem a little warped, like the salty undercarriage of an Irishman.

Madness is never 'In'. It might be prevalent, or rampant, or at 'hold the dog's paw as he passes into the light' levels, but it's never cool. You ever talk to a crazy person? They can answer anything with dirigibles. Example: Me - "What's your favorite band, nutbar?" Nutbar - "Blimp."

One indicator I've discovered, if you want to get a decent read on whether or not madness is at higher levels than normal, is hair. If you see a lot of it, like, fros and beehives and Guinans, than people are too focused on crazy to style. They look in the mirror and they say, "Fair enough" despite what might be going nuts atop their beans. Also, if you want to look more closely, an increase in neck beards and ear hair also indicate a society preoccupied with how many socks they can fit in the vegetable drawer, rather than normal concerns like how many vegetables you can fit into a single sock.

Short Answer: Seriously, chambray is in this spring. It's denim's lighter cousin. If denim was your fat aunt Paula who has those red creases on her from where the skin folds under.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Question: What do you have in common with an Aardvark?

Yea, I could look up a bunch of aardvark facts and make some typical jokes, like "I'm also slightly pig-faced, and I too have coarse hairs covering my body" but I ain't gonna.

Here's what I really have in common with an aardvark, and it's the same thing I have in common with every other mammal on this planet.

I like to fuck white women.

Short Answer: Aardvarks also like Hall and Oates.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Question: What the hell are viruses, and what purpose do they serve? (Not talking about computer viruses, but they suck too.)

They're like facehuggers from Aliens. They can't reproduce on their own, so they latch onto 'host' cells. Then, they're like a million other sci-fi creatures, 'cause they take over the machinery of the host to make more little viruses.

They're made of up of genetic material, surrounded by protein, able to latch onto your insides, especially the exposed cells of you mucous membranes. Basically, your grandmother's meatloaf.

When I get a virus, I like to picture a crazed John Turturro with aviator goggles, careening through my body dressed as a roman legionnaire, stabbing at my guts with his gladius. He's often shouting, "Rue! Rue the day! Rue it up!"

The purpose virus's serve is to give you sick days (or as I like to call them 'two times' days because when I'm sick I like to masturbate more than once) so you can chill the fuck out and eat cheezies.

Short Answer: There's a movie called Virus that has Donald Sutherland, Jamie Lee Curtis and Billy Baldwin in it. You're better off getting a virus than watching it, though.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Question: Why do animals sound different in other languages?

I wouldn't know, I've never heard an animal in any language other than their own.

Short Answer: Mindfucker!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Question: How do I avoid dumpster surgery?

It ain't easy. Once you've committed to sleeping in a dumpster, any number of people for any number of reasons can try to extract your plump and precious organs. Also, if you're anything like me, the reason you're in said dumpster is because you're brutally strung out on heroin or that rad shit they give you to stop you from wanting heroin and heroin.

You can set up elaborate boobie traps or make deals with mice if you have any cheese, but these things take a level of intelligence one such as yourself, that being someone in a dumpster, does not usually possess. You could always pair up with another shitbag and sleep in shifts, but then if the person who wants to steal your organs has cheese, he'll be able to easily bribe your friend.

Anyone else hungry for cheese?

Short Answer: Get a job, hippie.