Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Question: Did you enjoy the Oscars this year?

No. No I did not. Some of this must be blamed on the fact that I'd seen less nominated films than ever before, and was not rooting for anyone or anything. On top of that, though, I didn't like the presentation of the whole thing. It felt too bland, too typical, like an oldey-time variety show. Don't get me wrong, variety shows can be fun, but when they come across as traditional like that, I don't know, it just puts me to sleep. I want innovation, or at least a modern feel. The only thing that felt modern to me was when they allowed Emma Stone to go off on that bit about being excited. That was fresh and interesting with a modern sensibility in terms of humour. Everything else for me was just kinda blah.

I thought Billy Crystal was fine. I mean, he did what he always does. He's competent and charming, and the jokes for the most part were good, but again not in that vein of modern comedy that I'm growing to like so much. You could argue that funny is funny, and style is irrelevant, and I respect that, but there is a big difference between a Billy Crystal one liner and Will Ferrel and Zach Galifianakis with their symbol routine, another highlight of the night in my book.

I'm tired of Cirque de Soleil. Dress up in whatever you want, it's still all the same shit. I get it; you've got a monopoly on stupid human tricks. But I can't be impressed every damn time. Oh! Wow! Caught him with his feet. Look at that.

And then there's The Artist. Big winner. Haven't seen it, but the fact that everyone is so damned impressed with how charming it is kinda gets my goat. It's another gimmick and I don't care how much I like it when I see it, I'll say the same. Make me a good movie, that's all I want, but if part of the movie being good is that there's no dialogue, or the main character was dead all along, or the man had a twin, or it's all in one's a lesser film, by definition. It's like an award for choosing to hinder yourself, then overcoming that hindrance.

All in all, it's the company, the people you see it with that matter, and I because I didn't watch it alone, I had a bad time.

Short Answer: Bring back Franco! I like that he looked as disinterested as I felt.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Question: How do you deal with rejection?

I'll assume you're talking about the writing world, 'cause I think it's clear to everyone that no woman would have the willpower to look into these baby blues and say no, or get the fuck away from me, or, "For the last time, Keith, I will get that restraining order, I swear. You need to stop lying facedown on my lawn. I know it's a protest, but I'm not going to go out with you!"

When I get a rejection letter, the first thing I do, and I highly recommend this, is I let it spoil my entire day. I take to asking myself unanswerable questions like, "Why?" and "When?" and "How many hotdogs?"

Then, I wallow, appropriating the body positioning of a dilapidated corpse, propped up by pillows and the last remining integrity of its brittle skeleton. After that, I try to eat something.

Next, is a period of frustation as I wonder if there are enough submissions out in the world to allow me to let this one pass without being forced to do another round that very day. Usually, this happens during or near the end of wallowing.

From about two to four is when I do most of the crying. I've got a pillow that has a plastic insert so I can soak through the outer layer without getting salty tears of despair into the goosedown.

The evening consists of eating junkfood, which makes me like myself for a few minutes, then hours of regret as said junkfood tears a hole through my sore and stressed out tummy.

If I'm lucky, I collapse in a pool of my own vomit by about nine o'clock, and sleep through the night.

Short Answer: Rejection is a part of the work. Sometimes it gets in and makes you feel a bit crummy, but if you're going to let it beat you, you shouldn't be in the biz.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Question: How often do you urinate?

Well, they say you're supposed to go to the bathroom before and after sex, which I've taken to heart. So that'd be about...76 times a day.

Short Answer: I'm surprised, after over 400 questions, that this is the first one about pee.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Question: What do you think of the Republican candidates?

I think that the Republican party has gone so right wing and so conservative, that they're making themselves irrelevant. You gotta lean to the center to be electable, and the party lines are so extreme that they don't stand a chance of attracting moderate voters.

Also, Romney, Gingrich and Santorum are world class dipshits, who say horrible, horrible shit and don't seem to understand what century it is. It's gotten to the point that it feels like a comedy act. What's the next point they can make which addresses some idea we left behind over fifty years ago? Honestly, any second I expect someone to suggest killing all the gays or taking the vote away from women or reintroducing prohibition.

Of course they would never bring back prohibition. That would interfere with big business.

Maybe slavery is on the table.

Short Answer: How does America work at all? How can the people get help when their elected officials spend all their time hating each other?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Question: Who are the best people in this world whom you do not envy in the least? Why?

I don't even know how to quantify 'best people in the world'. Do you mean, like, Jews or something?

The best people in the world? Do pirates count? What about gun runners? Las Vegas prostitutes? Game show hosts? Money Mart clerks?

Even if I'm not trying to be funny, I don't know how to figure out who the best people are, let alone figure out if a group of said best people even exist.

I'm the best person I know, so I guess my tribe is a sort of answer, and I can't possibly envy myself. I'm me.

This is a tough one. People who dedicate their time to good causes, I suppose. Not money; anyone can throw money around. But those who actually take time out of their lives to do nice things for the needy; I guess those are some pretty good people. Not as good as actors and athletes, of course, but pretty good.

And I don't envy them, either, 'cause they have to hang around with the pathetic and the stinkers all the time. Rough business.

Hmmmm. I think the answer might be professional wrestlers. They're like actors and athletes, and they often give a lot of their time for special causes, like wish foundations and entertaining people who could die at any moment because bullets. Also, I don't envy them, because their job is fucking hard and it hurts like hell.

Short Answer: Professional Wrestlers is the answer. By the way, on a personal note, if you haven't seen CM Punk's very honest and direct condemnation of that asshole who beat up Rihanna, you should check it out.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Question: I heard a rumour that you're actually a question answering robot. Rebuttal?

I resent your human question...I mean question.

Damn it.

Short Answer: Abort!

(You want some proof that I'm a real person? I laughed at the word rebuttal because of butt.)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Question: Hungry eyes?

I do feel the magic between you and I. Also, I can chew gum while lip-syncing.

Short Answer: But I don't partake in the dirty dancing. No sir.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Question: Is my cat's attitude toward cleanliness a commentary on mine?

No. Cat's don't learn shit from people, otherwise it would be easier to train them. Unless you slobber all over your hands and wipe them all over your naked body, I don't think your pet gets any ideas from you about that.

Do you do that, by the way? Is that where this question is coming from? Are you a hot lady who spits all over her business, then saw the cat doing it one day and thought, 'Hey, man, is my cat making fun of me or some shit?' 'Cause that'd be cool.

Short Answer: Your cat is an idiot.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Question: Mischief or Mayhem?

Mayhem. It evokes the impression that there is thought and malice. Mischief is someone tip-toeing around and setting up a prank. I hate pranks.

Though I have no particular love for malice, at least it's ballsy. Mischief is like funny for people who can't be funny, or evil for people who don't know how to trap and disembowel a beloved pet. Or vindicative for people who don't know how to fuck your wife.

Short Answer: I hope Mischief and Mayhem weren't some duo of strippers or some other capitilized pairing that I'm unaware of. Same answer, though. I assume Mayhem is better on the pole.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Question: Is there anything you would change in the game of soccer as a whole?

Nope. I really like it the way it is. I guess they're gonna have to deal with instant reply eventually, but they don't seem to be in any rush, and I don't care.

More naked ladies would be nice. Like fully nude cheerleaders. That would be better. Actually, I'd watch that instead. Instead of anything. Instead of breathing.

Short Answer: I think streaking is too infrequent. More streakers, like squads of them, that would be good.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Question: What creature do you fear the most? Why?

I'll answer the why first. 'Cause I fear death.

Top Ten Creatures I Fear

10) Hoboconda - That's a homeless man spliced together with an anaconda. Better at washing windshields, worse at opening doors for you, about the same at curling up into a ball.
9) Nitwit Vampires - Hose water and onions? What a waste of my time.
8) Skeletron - Combining the whining and skull face of Skeletor with the sheer bad-assery and murderousness of Megatron. Shitpants.
7) Clown body + Closet Girl from The Ring face + accordion like Freddy Krueger arms - Self-explanatory.
6) S-1000 (Or Silverfish-anator) - They don't stop coming.
5) Nazi Earwig - All those legs, all that wiggly, and all that hate.
4) IRS Werewolf - These guys are actually pretty nice compared to normal IRS agents, I just don't like seeing glasses on a furry face. It scares me.
3) Vaginaspider - Don't be gross. I don't mean a spider that looks like a vagina, I mean a spider that lives in a vagina.
2) Zombie Tom Jones - It is unusual!
1) The Great Stephen Sharking (Great White Shark/Stephen Hawking) - The smartest man on the planet + the apex predator of the sea with a little more mobility on land than usual. A terrifying metallic voice and rows of sharp teeth. Dorky glasses and a lateral line system. A desire, to solve all the problems of the cosmos and swallow all the licence plates. The horror.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Black midgets, women who look like tramps but are lawyers, cucumber shotgun man, wormwhale, Betty the White Supremacist, chocolate covered finger guy.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Question: Are you more likely to wink at a man or a woman?

Winking, in general, is pretty creepy, though I do find myself partaking on occasion. I find (sorry to disappoint) that it often doesn't have a lot to do with gender. It's usually to signal that things are okay, or to cover a bad joke, or to include someone who feels excluded or to fool small children.

My grandfather used to make this clicking noise in his jaw while winking, which made the wink more acceptable, like he was a wise old fisherman who approved of your point of view, but that wasn't very gender specific either.

In general, I'm probably more likely to wink at a woman, because there's the added factor of creepy. If you wink at a dude, unless you both love the cock, it won't be creepy. But there are times, when you wink at a girl, that it seriously pays off. Works best right after you say something relatively uninteresting. Example: "Those bananas look overripe." or "I can't remember the last time I nearly threw-up." or "My favorite bird is the spit." or "Canned ham is often slimy." or "Who doesn't like a little rash." and so on.

Short Answer: I think its safe to say that the wink is an antiquated idea, and has no part in modern interaction. Unless they can come up with some sort of digital wink, or we start using it as a correction when our phones send our message wrong. "No, I don't really want to bang your girlfriend into a lifeless heap of gelatinous flesh and exposed innards, didn't you see after when I wrote WINK!"

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Question: What will it be like during the summer of our discontent?

I was going to answer this with a series of thinly veiled references to both Shakespeare and Steinbeck, but it was making me feel like an utter douche. Plus, retelling the plot points of Richard the third and The Winter of our Discontent with the added witticism that we'll be warmer is a pretty crappy response.

Humidity. That's the answer. Too much humidity would make anyone discontent. Feelin' all sticky and junk. Boo.

How many Os do you think you need to make a boo not sound like a ghost? 'Cause to me, two Os is a ghost, but three Os encourages me to write five Os.

Ghost: Boo. Angry Fuckers: Booooo. See what I'm saying? Sorry if I scared you.

Short Answer: This is the answer of my discontent, made glorious by my shiny balls.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Question: Will there ever be a circumstance that causes you to don lingerie? When?

You're a day late, my friend!

Not only do I put on the sexiest crap that's ever made your eye's bleed on Valentine's Day, I up the ante each and every year, by putting on more and more lingerie. My wife says I don't understand what lingerie is for, but this year I managed twelve layers! It was like doing sex to a snowsuit!

Short Answer: I don't mean to be dramatic, but this, in a way, is the weirdest answer ever.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Question: Why are bitches such bitches?

Yeast infections.

Short Answer: It's probably because of something you did. Forgetting Valentine's Day perhaps?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Question: A black dude and a white chick are drowning in a swimming pool. Who do you save?

I'm not a strong swimmer.

Is this a race thing? Are you trying to catch me in a bind? You wily bastards.

First of all, who drowns in a swimming pool? You panic in the right direction for two strokes and you've saved your damn self. They both deserve to be expunged from the gene pool.

But especially the black guy.

I digress.

I would save the woman. Why? Because she would be less likely to drag me under the water. Also, boobs.

Short Answer: Is the black guy laughing? I love when black people are laughing super hard. That might change a few things, especially if the girl is saying actually a lot. "I'm, like, totally drowning, actually." Yes. Yes you are.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Question: Short or round?

Both, if possible.

If one or the other, short. But still soft; that would be preferable.

And huge knockers, please.

Short Answer: Round Answer

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Question: Are the Rolling Stones right?

Is time on my side? No.
Do I have sympathy for the Devil? Yes.
Can I always get what I want? No.
Do I sometimes get what I need? Yes.
Can I get no satisfaction? I don't know, I think that's a double negative.
You start me up I never stop? Yes.
Do I want to paint it black? Fuck yes.
Are you under my thumb? Yes.
Do I want to be your beast of burden? No.
Could I hang a name on Ruby Tuesday? Yep.
Could wild horses drag me away? Nope.
Do I like brown sugar? Yes, please.
Jumpin' Jack Flash? I don't know. Makes me think of that Whoopi Goldberg movie.

Short Answer: 7 to 4. Looks like they're right.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Question: I find your blog very offensive. What should I do?

I think you're doing it right.


Short Answer: The beauty of all these various sorts of entertainment is that you get to choose what you watch and read, making censorship and bitching nearly obsolete! Welcome to the fucking future!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Question: Is there a saying for when your instant reaction to a stranger is megaloathing?

Yea, it's called the human condition.

We all pretend we aren't judgemental pricks because someone along the way decided words like 'judgemental' were so negative that they were scarier that concepts like acceptance, self-awareness and honesty.

People are so tied up with their own shit, it is no surprise if they meet a new person and judge them quickly and harshly. I, as an example, don't like people, for the most part, so I often respond to a stranger with some time of loathing, be it mega, nano or otherwise. Doesn't mean they can't change my mind, doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to assume my snap judgement was correct. Just means I do it. I'm judgemental. I'm also a hypocrite. Try these words on for size, people. They aren't as scary as you think, and you might find yourself a little more comfortable in your own skin.

Short Answer: I still hate you.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Question: Can you explain the whole 'cellar door' thing?

Yea, it's locked. You have to have the password, 'cause beyond it is the best all-balls glory hole you could ever imagine.

Just kidding. It's locked because that's where we're filming our flagship porno, Sob Fist.

Sorry, couldn't help myself. I assume you're referring to the idea that the term 'cellar door' is widely accepted as the most beautiful sounding phrase in the English language. This is because of something the experts (who wouldn't be caught dead at an all-balls glory hole if that says anything about them) call phonaesthetics, which is basically the study of whether or not something sounds good, or euphonic. Some say that cellar door is the best sounding phrase despite its semantical meaning, while others claim that the mystery of what's behind the cellar door (holes filled with balls) adds to the beauty of its sound.

Interesting fact: Edgar Allan Poe used the word 'nevermore' as the refrain for his most famous poem because of its sound; the sonorous nature of the o and the pronounceability of the r.

There's more technical stuff you can look up, and Tolkien gets tied in with this, plus the theory that the sound of cellar door evokes a mystery and a magic because of the languages it reminds us of, among them languages of peoples with great mythological depth in their histories, but as I said, you can do the research if you're that interested.

I think there is a certain mystery to the phrase, but for my tastes, it does not add any beauty. When I hear the term cellar door, I can acknowledge that it sounds nice, but it makes me think of the door that leads to either potatoes, spiders or uncle Ungi who was born with three-eyes, half a head, and a penchant for fecal remonstration.

Short Answer: You know what phrase I like? Pizza tits.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Question: Are mountains blameless?

Those conniving bastards. They think they're getting away with it all; not on my watch, mountains!

No one is innocent.

Short Answer: Careful. They'll swallow you up, man.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Question: As a writer, what would you say to your younger self knowing what, more or less, you do now?

I don't mean to be a douche and cop out, buy my instinct is to say very little. It's the doubt and the confusion and the trial and error that teaches you how to find your voice. Plus, I didn't listen to anyone else when I was younger, why would I listen to myself.

If I was forced, I probably wouldn't get into philosophy or process, I'd just try to reinforce the things I had right from the start. Gotta stick to it, don't let shit get you down, that sort of thing. The only thing that I think I'd try to impart would be a sense of how much work you really have to put in. I knew when I was younger it would take a lot of work, but it takes more than you think.

In terms of process, just for fun, things like: "Don't try to impress people with language. Story is key." That might be helpful. "Adverbs make you sound amateurish," might be helpful too, but that's getting into style, and I wouldn't want to mess with how I evolved in that regard. And again, I wasn't really ready to listen to stuff like that in the beginning. I was too pigheaded.

One thing I might say to me is that you have to face the things you fear the most. You can't make a living in artistic endeavors doing only what you're comfortable with. Hence, this blog.

Short Answer: Get to it, write as much as you can, and you'll get better faster.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Question: Who do you want in a trade for Mason Raymond?

For those that don't know, Mason Raymond is a member of the NHL's Vancouver Canucks. He's a speedy little winger with a 25 goal season under his belt from a few years back, and lots of promise. But he also seems to be an underachiever, as his stats are below top six forward stats for a team of Vancouver's quality. In fact, despite his offensive talent, if the Canucks are healthy, Raymond has been relegated to a third line role.

Because of this, there are rumours that he will be traded. I don't think he will be. They've stuck with his temperamental stats for this long, why stop now? Really, with a third line consisting of Hodgson, Raymond and Hansen, they have a fast, young line full of scoring potential, and because of the checking ability of their second and fourth lines, they don't really need to ship Raymond out for a checking winger. And no, they'd don't need more toughness. That's dumb.

So who would I want? I'd ask for too much, so my answer would be boring. Big names to replace Raymond, people who are sure to do better because of an established precedent. No point making a parallel move and messing up the teams chemistry at this point. Wait till the off-season.

Short Answer: I don't think the Canucks should do anything. They're one Ehroff short of being the same team that almost one the Cup last year, plus one evolving Hodgson, one evolving Hansen and a David Booth upgrade.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Question: Is there any truth to the rumor that you are actually a lamp of some kind?

No. Whatever do you mean? This is preposterous, I never, you and I, sir, have a problem, those are fightin' words, if -

(Someone claps)


Whatever, you people love lamps. The only thing bad about it is Mr. Lightbulb's Constant Penetration, which is also the title of this lamps favorite children's story. Don't worry if you don't understand; it's for lamp children.

Short Answer: Not that there's anything wrong with it. My father was a lamprey.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Question: Exactly how many ways are there to skin a cat?

Remove the tail, pull the rest up over its head.

Remove the head, pull the rest down over its tail.

Open the belly and rip it in half like a phone book.

Oh wait, was this supposed to be a metaphorical thing?

Short Answer: Three ways.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Question: Can you think of some cool events for the Hobo Olympics? A top-ten would be nice.

Top Ten Events at the Hobo Olympics

10) Most Creatures in a Beard - Alive
9) Shopping Cart Luge
8) Most Clever Sign, 8 words exactly division (ex. I might be homeless, but you're an asshole)
7) Stick and Handkerchief Steeplechase
6) Lack of Self-Esteem/Poor Me/The World Owes Me Relay
5) Dirtiest Window after Window Cleaning
4) Prettiest Busket
3) Best Fed Pet
2) Most Creatures in a Beard - Dead or Other
1) Warmest Cardboard Hovel

Short Answer: They often have no engineering skills whatsoever, that's why number 1 is so entertaining. They usually build for stability, not warmth. What the hell, right?