Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Question: Do you believe in Karma?

I don't believe in anything that has a capital letter at the front.

I do, however, believe in karma. It's a funny thing to say out loud (so instead I wrote it), to admit that I do, but I do. I believe the reason to be good is because that keeps the good times rolling, not because you're afraid of damnation, which seems to be a popular one. I think if you do things because of fear, you're an idiot. We should all probably be doing what's right because it's right, but I'll take karma as a second place motivation, rather than hellfear.

Short Answer: It's a nice idea, that you get what you give.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Question: Do smurfs fart?

Surprisingly no. They have a gland on their heads, a big, stupid white one, which lets the gas out gradually throughout the day. Because of this, they have a signature musk, but it is not overpowering or necessarily unpleasant. To smell a smurf is like smelling your own brand, basically.

Smurf females however, because their head gland also has their four sexual organs, do have a mechanism similar to farting. They call it 'smurfing' and try to make it all cute, but basically, once a day, Smurfette lets loose a huge fart from a flap between her legs and it smells like boiled nuts and shoe leather.

Papa smurf also farts, but it comes from his mouth, so it's like a smelly burp.

Short Answer: All smurf answers are short answers.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Question: Who are the greatest Intercontinental Champions of all time?

For those that don't know, the Intercontinental Championship is a championship belt associated with the WWE, or World Wrestling Entertainment. It's been around since 1979 and is a prestigious and important title for the up and coming wrestlers of the business, as well as the skilled journeymen who never quite made it to the top, meaning the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship belts.

I'm not going to go into a huge wrestling thing and describe each guy; if you're a fan you know them, if you're curious you can look them up.


#10} Rob Van Dam.  I've never been a big fan. RVD clawed and struggled his way to the top, but his microphone skills have always been lacking. Because of that, he hovered just below the best for most of his career, and was good enough in ring to be a 6 time IC Champ.

#9} Don Muraco. On the list because he held the belt, in total over two separate reigns, for 541 days, the second most in history.

#8} Tito Santana. Tito's on this list because he was synonymous with this title when I was very young, watching wrestling with my grandfather. He only held the title twice, but for 443 days total, the fourth longest in history.

#7} Jeff Jarett. Though more famous for his work outside the WWE, Jarret, like RVD, was never quite able to break through to that upper echelon during his stay. He was also a 6 time IC Champ, tying him with Rob Van Dam for second most reigns of all time.

#6} Edge. I almost didn't include Edge, for the same reason you won't see Bret Hart or Triple H on this list. Some people went on to bigger and better things with such success that you don't think of them as IC Champs, you think of them as World Champs. Edge is no different, except he's the man who's held more championships than any other during his career. His 5 separate reigns as IC Champ is a big part of that record, plus the fact that he didn't become a Heavyweight Champion until later in his career. That combo makes me remember him as a great Intercontinental Champion.

#5} Razor Ramon. Similar to Tito Santana, there was a certain time in my life when Scott Hall was synonymous with this strap. Another great talent who never made it to the top in WWE, he was one of the great bad guy characters to hold the belt, so much so that he transcended that image. In case this seems like favoritism of some sort, the stats back me up. 4 times a champ, and the fifth longest overall record at 438 days.

#4} Honkey Tonk Man. Again, speaking of men that completely exemplified the IC Championship. Honkey held it only once, but holds the record for longest single reign at 454 days. Also notable, the travesty of his loss, as he was beaten in about ten seconds by the Ultimate Warrior. To think how long Honkey Tonk Man would have worn the prestigious title if the WWE hadn't had their head so far up that lunatic's ass.

#3} Pedro Morales. On here for one reason and one reason only: 619 combined days as IC Champion. Not much to argue with there.

#2} Chris Jericho. As I said with Edge, Jericho went on to bigger and better things. But he was a record holding 9 time Intercontinental Champion, that's three more reigns than anyone else ever. Also, it terms of overall skill in all facets of the business, he's one of the best ever. He proved that, mostly, as an IC Champ.

#1} Mr. Perfect. Curt Hennig is the best wrestler of all time. He never held the Heavyweight Championship of the World as a WWE superstar, but he was the best of the rest, and was always expected to climb higher. Somehow, despite everyone's admiration of his abilities, he didn't. He is the best IC Champ of all time for many reasons, but the predominant being that he was always better than everyone else he faced for that title, a big fish in a small pond, as it were. Except for when other greats would pass through that stage of their career. Many of them (I'm looking at you, Bret Hart) would have the matches of their careers with the great Mr. Perfect. He was also the first wrestler, in my mind, to truly transcend the idea of the heel and the face, as he was so entertaining as a heel, the crowd was eventually won over by his charms.

Short Answer: A few personal honorable mentions go to: Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Owen Hart, Chris Benoit and the awesome Lance Storm (27 days I won't soon forget). Sidenote: Rick Rude only held this belt once? Are you kidding me?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Question: How?

With a hammer, moxie and a keen sense of smell.

And lookin' good the whole time...

Short Answer: (Huge Explosion Behind Me That I Don't Care To Notice)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Question: If the only viable natural resource were dogs, which country would lead the free world? Why?

Not China.

I love the smell of racism in the morning. Get it? Like that movie guy said?

Blarf!

Wait, is making a joke that people eat dogs racism? I know it's a negatively perceived stereotype, but does that make it racism or is it just insensitive? Like when you call the Inuit Eskimos. It's not racism, they'd just prefer not to be called that. I'm sure Chinese people would prefer to think we don't know they eat dogs.

Moving on...I guess Canada would lead the free world because of the Newfoundland dog. That dog saves human lives. Win.

I suppose there's a more creative answer...let me think...unless we're making dog bags out of their hides or burning their fur as an alternative fuel source, I just can't see the canine impact on the world economy, so that's out. And the only criteria for leading the free world is huge balls and a rip-roaring military, and though a lot of dogs have huge balls (NFLD dog) very few are good at flying jets. Maybe beagles? Again, we have a lot of those in Canada, especially in Newfoundland. Fuck, I'm starting to think Newfoundland would lead the free world. The Rock says...

I think people with dogs are happier, so the countries with the fewest dogs might end up taking over, 'cause they're all pissy all the time.

You know what countries have the fewest dogs per capita? Switzerland, who wouldn't bother to lead the world 'cause they're busy 'staying out of it' and making chocolate watches.

The other? Germany.

Short Answer: Germany.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Question: Is there a place in the world for Ninja Slam Poetry?

Of course, but if I, as a Ninja Poet, were to tell you, they'd kill your entire family. And mine. Horribly.
Then they'd write a poem about it, but they wouldn't try very hard, to be disrespectful. Those poems usually go something like this.

Killed your mom.
She was an idiot.
Piled her on top of your stupid brother and his stupid face.
Jerk.
Your family were a bunch of shitheels.
You smell and are lame.

Short Answer: Barely related: the cg blood in Ninja Assassin was so fucking lame. And there was zero slam poetry in that movie. What gives?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Question: Can you recount the events that afforded you the little known nick-name: "Faircrack"?

Funny, you'd probably think it was something like selling crack at a reasonable price, or selling hookers at a reasonable price or running a plumbing business at competitive rates, but it was none of these things.

I was out with my friend Fairbanks one night, and because we're both so sexually potent, we decided to go to a brothel. What Fairbanks didn't know was that earlier in the evening, I'd called ahead to play a little prank on my old friend.

We were both shown our respective rooms, mine on the second floor, his just above me on the third. Mid-coitus, I heard a terrible howl. Surprised that it had taken Fairbanks so long to realize he'd been receiving a blowy from a dude in a wig, I rushed to the window, hoping to better hear the disgusted mewling that would follow.

To my utter surprise, I arrived at the window in time to watch Fairbanks pass by on his quick and final descent to the street below. Apparently, whores with penises that work in brothels don't like to be called 'gross dude' and this particular wiener-lady had experienced not just one, but two similar instances of prejudice and disappointment earlier in the day. When called a gross dude by Fairbanks, the manshe decided enough was enough, and tossed my friend, with mangirlish strength, from the window to make a terrible cracking noise on the ground, his head bouncing a good three feet in the air, his body rag-dolling under the laws of 'death on impact'.

When relating this story to my peers, as I often do, I couldn't help but describe the noise I'd heard (with tongue firmly in cheek) as 'fair-crack!" Also humorous, is how when I relate the story, I describe seeing the words in the air above his lifeless corpse, rising away as if they were his immortal soul, colored and emphasized like the descriptive words in a comic book.

Short Answer: I do also provide hookers at a reasonable price, but my nickname from that is different. Snatchwrangle. Yes, if you put them together... Faircrack Snatchwrangle at your service.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Question: Do you believe in the 2012 predictions?

I assume you're referring the the idea that because the Mayan calender ends, the world will end? Yea, that's like assuming that we could die at twelve o'clock, or at the end of the month, or at any other time one thing ends.  Just because something ends, doesn't mean it doesn't continue or start up again.  How strong do people think their wrists were?  They got a lot of years in, they should get some credit for how much they did, but to assume the end is a prediction for the end of the world is like the idea that if you have your eyes closed, nobody can see you.  There's a lot of steps in between that we're kinda glossing over with ridiculous assumption.

Short Answer: Oh yea. We're boned.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Question: What are your go to shower songs?

Lately, I've been singing, Moves Like Jagger, but it's moves like Jagr, like Jaromir Jagr.

Normally, the shower is a time machine for me. Over the years, I'd say top of the pops has been Oh Sherrie by Steve Perry, but there's been a lot of good stuff in there.

Here's a little list: Wonderwall by Ryan Adams, You Make Me Feel So Young by Stewie (yes I know it was Sinatra), Dream a Little Dream (in my head by Mel Torme, though I don't know who wrote it), I Saw Red by Warrant (I'm sorry), Elderly Woman by Pearl Jam, Fake Plastic Trees or High and Dry by Radiohead, Unchained Melody by the movie Ghost, Holy Diver by Dio, Holy Diver again, the 'to the left' song by Beyonce, though my version goes, "You must not know 'bout Keith", Fuck Her Gently or Wonderboy by Tenacious D, Babe by Styx, Your Song by Elton John, and pretty much anything by Hall and Oates.

Short Answer: You've never had a shower, if you haven't showered to Keith's version of Lady Marmalade. Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo, wo-wo-wo-wo-wo, yea-ee-a yea-e-a, yeaaaaaa!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Question: How do you feel about SOPA/PIPA? Otherwise known as "the government wants to take a huge 1984 on our interwebs."

Funny. I was gonna go off on this thing, but I just heard that there's been a 'postponement' due to all the uproar. I'm afraid that just means, 'We won't do it now, with all of you pissed off, we'll sneak it by later'. So the government wins again and I don't even know when I'm winning and when I'm losing anymore. The fact that we have to be in a win/loss fight with the government proves how fucked up the system is. They're supposed to represent us.

This question inspires a few different reactions in me. The first is that I don't give a fuck. If I had to choose a side, I'm on the free speech, freedom of information, freedom to allow the human race to evolve side of things, but I'm also the kind of person that doesn't involve himself in the minutiae of our lengthy existence. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that there are people out there, good, intelligent people, with bees in their bonnets willing to take the fight to the man for the people. We need that. I just don't think that way, I don't feel as involved in my 'age' as others do. I tend to look at things from a more distant viewpoint. When you do that, you see trends of behaviour, and you stop being interested in the smaller machinations that make up those trends. Big Brother has been coming for years (Patriotic Act); if he comes he comes. As George Carlin often said, we don't have the freedoms we think we do anyway. The government, based on how much money the people who run it can make, decide almost everything for us. If we fight, we can prolong the agony, but if they want it, greed will win, and they will get it. Basically, the only way to stop this sort of thing is to let the greedy government and the rich have so much control that they start ignoring the concerns of the people, blatantly stealing their lives and desecrating the middle class, creating a huge gap between the upper class and the lower class. That would set the people off for rebellion, I would hope. (We're all looking at you, America.)

My second reaction is a more visceral, more passionate one. I get all pissed off. The system is wrong, the government is corrupt, the people deserve better. But then, I lay back into my consumer culture, have an excellent cup of coffee and watch my PVR'd sports program and allow my comfy life to drain all negativity away. That's the rub, for me at least. Our mission in life is to try to be happy. I truly believe that, and strive for it. Because I strive for it, to some degree, I've achieved it. And when you're capable of being happy despite the fill in the blank, you can be happy no matter what's filling the blank.

At the end there, I started talking about porn by mistake. My bad.

Short Answer: Everybody and their cute little dog knows that this SOPA crap is a money grab, with the addendum of allowing the rich of the world to do whatever the fuck they want to stay rich. You'd think we'd have figured it out by now, how the evil play. Hopefully, we have. And maybe it is time for all of us to fight back a little, even the people who'd rather be watching the hockey game they taped last night and had ruined for them while I was watching vintage wrestling. I didn't think the ticker would come up, okay?

*I know this had been long-winded, and I normally stop myself before becoming too indulgent (Ha!) but there's something else I want to say. We used to dictate. The people would learn, build, advance and change things. Now it seems, if there's a way to make a lot of money, the rich can somehow stunt that progress. In this case, piracy has become the norm; the people want things to be digital before the companies want to stop selling objects in shiny cases with giant profit margins. The obvious solution, if you want to continue to make money, is to accept the change and create services that work for the people's demands; that has always been the way. But corporations are so powerful now, instead of coming up with innovative ideas to 'out-napster napster' so to speak, they just tap their rich, government buddies on the shoulders and say, "We don't want this yet. We ran the numbers, our profits will decrease, whereas if we force them to eat our shit for one more quarter, our profits will go up. You like profits, don't you? You like being re-elected, right?" Another great example of this is the fact that people seem to want healthier food in schools for their children, so the companies that supplied the shit food paid for research to prove that pizza is a vegetable. They funded it, they initiated it, and they passed it. How the fuck does that happen?

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Question: What inspires you?

If we really knew that, we'd all be producing art out of our coo-holes all the time, but I think I get your question. In terms of external things that often set my mind to racing, it comes down to a few categories.  Category the first would be the discovery channel. I don't just mean the discovery channel, but any network that shows programs from anthropological angles, or about weapons, or about history; I often find I get inspired by what we as humans have thought of the world and our surroundings at various times in our history. Another category would be sci-fi. Anything that takes a futurist's view of existence and proposes how things will be or what we will be capable of. Another category of inspiration would be hard science, usually digested in article form. Hard science has a similar effect on me as science fiction, gets me thinking about possibilities, and possibilities are often the core of inspiration.

I find quality inspires me. If I see a good film that's well-written, that can get me going. And boobs.

Short Answer: You know what doesn't inspire me? Actual humans. I never go, "Oh, that guy on the bus who picked his nose and offered it to that lady before greedily devouring it really makes me think about character and human nature." Never. Makes me sad.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Question: 1 Sagittarius, 2 Sagittarii?

1 Sagittarius, 2 Sagittarii, 4 hours of sleep, 8 episodes of diarrhea, 16 other things to do.

Pluralization?

Here's some. One wet poop. Many wet poops. One aggravated pooper. Many, many tears.

Astro-goggley? Boo. Many boos. Boobs.

Sagittarii is correct, by the way, but if you can't come up with a way not to have to say it, it doesn't matter what sign you are, you're a dullard.

Short Answer: I've had sex with many Vagittarii.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Question: Should I just drop out and sell oranges by the freeway?

By drop out I'm going to assume you mean drop out of a plane. The logistics here are a nightmare.  Besides getting the oranges down with you without them being damaged by terminal velocity+ground, I can't see you being able to carry all the other necessities. You need invoices, really.

This answer is dumb.

Are you in school? How much have you paid? If you've paid a bunch, might as well stay there and get a degree. At least then your soul sucking job will pay a decent amount and you can pay off your student loans in twenty years if you manage to avoid nice things and a social life. If your question was, "Should I sell oranges instead of going to school?" I would've said fuck yea. Unless you got a scholarship. Academic, sports doesn't count in the real world, tools. If you have an academic scholarship then you're either smart or you work super hard and we need people like you to be educated, so my bones can get re-set and my money can work for me.

Wait, is this just a metaphor for selling weed again? Yes, you should definitely sell weed. Unless you're in America where they think marijuana is worse than the devil. They will kill you if you get caught. How stupid are people? (Tangent) If you legalize and tax the crap out of it...you know what, never mind. Humans are fucking stupid, and the stupidest ones rise to the top like a turd in a terlet bowl.

Short Answer: Nobody cares about your scuzzy, dirt oranges. Go build something, or save someone. That's the shit we need. If you're smart, be a leader; the world is full of dumbass leaders. If selling oranges makes you happy (weirdo) then your question was answered before you asked it. You're welcome.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Question: What's the deal with Werner Herzog?

I know, right. He's one of those guys who's either a super-genius/madman, or a madman/super-genius.

Instead of going into some kind of long winded (or scathingly short winded) biography, here's a few examples of his insanity (whether he was actually responsible for these or not; they're still good examples of what you'll get when you open the Herzog Box, which is like Pandora's Box, but with more documentary footage and dried nipples.)

The tag line for the movie Cobra Verde is "The Slaves Will Sell Their Masters and Grow Wings..."

Herzog and Klaus Kinski, after a fifteen year working relationship, pretty much tried to kill each other.

Actually ate his own shoe when he lost a bet, and filmed it in a movie entitled Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe.

He helped Joaquin Phoenix out of a car wreck and vanished. Or did he?

By IMDB's count, he's directed 63 films, is widely considered one of the greatest directors to ever live (Entertainment Weekly said 35th) but most people can't name three of his movies.

That scene with Jeff Goldblum in the loch ness movie.

I like Herzog, enough to have watched most of his films. But I haven't. I go through his filmography and I'm blown away by how many I haven't seen. He's some sort of weird enigma, an entity that seems able to flourish to some degree within acceptable parameters of what we consider the Hollywood machine, yet does whatever he wants all the time, keeping a loyal fan base without anyone ever watching his damn movies.

The other odd thing I can say about him, is that if I were to list my top ten movies I'd like to see but haven't been able to get my hands on, he'd probably have three in the top ten, yet I don't ever work very hard to seek them out. It's like if his work appears before me, I'm stoked, but I ain't gonna go looking for it, 'cause it might be balls-to-the-forehead crazy.

Short Answer: I think he's a great documentarian, for the record. He manages to add his own tilt of humor, but for the most part stays out of giving his own judgements, or at least making them sound like they're only his, and it's still up to you to decide what you think for yourself.



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Question: Why is Jersey Shore still on the air?

It is?

Because people like train wrecks. Do I have to get any deeper than that? We are entertained by other people doing the things that we wouldn't be caught dead doing. We are entertained by people's idiocy and inability to function. At the heart of the matter, it probably makes us feel better about our own lives, but on the surface, it's just fun to laugh at someone getting kicked in the groin. And the Jersey Shore-ers whole life is a greased-up groin kick.

Besides, Snooki is hawt.

Short Answer: Snooki.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Question: Was the gold rush a cover-up for an invasion of daffy, bearded men in suspenders?

Does it matter? Whether by happenstance or with a resounding, "Bearded Mission Accomplished!" it still bloody happened and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it. Same as the gay dwarf insurrection in Sumatra and the homeless children are famous maneuvers of nineties Washington.

I like to think, in this particular case, that the entirety of the West coast benefited from all the daffy, bearded men. Suspenders I can take or leave, but daffy and beard together is like the long lost meeting of foot and ass, or P and Va-G, or smack and mouth, or peanut butter and mouth, or peanut butter and ass.

Short Answer: During the gay dwarf insurrection, all the answers were short.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Question: What is Myrrh?

It's like mirth without the oumpth. Like when there's a surprise party, and every one yells surprise and then the person says, "Well, that's a surprise."  Or when someone sees a naked lady and they say, "I'd like to touch those things."

Or a clown with hep c.

Short Answer: Christmas is now officially over.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Question: Is God really helping Tebow?

Most definitely. God has always been a Broncos fan. All those last minute comebacks with Elway? Sure, he's real, he sits on a throne of clouds and his favorite pastime is watching American football, specifically in the state of Colorado. He cheers his ass off. The pearly gates are blue and orange, and Saint Peter has one of those foam fingers that says 'Tebow for Jesus'.

Tom Brady is about to destroy the Broncos. Judgement Day.

Short Answer: Tebow needs to learn how to speak like an adult before he gets any credit from me for pocket presence. Oh, he's not about that? He doesn't need pocket presence to be a successful QB? Capital Bull capital Shit. If the sport was designed to have your QB run all over the fucking place and complete at fifty percent or less, there wouldn't even be an offensive line.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Question: Why is everyone afraid of Chuck Norris?

Because it takes half of him to change a light bulb.
Because he invented the guy who invented knock knock jokes.
Because he came first, not the chicken or the egg.
Because he never walks into a bar, they are built around him.
Because he's an honorary mythbuster.
Because he has tiger blood.
Because he's a were-rocket.
Because he shorts out electric fences with his urine.
Because he can make any electrical outlet work, even in Europe.
Because he directed Gremlins.
Because when he gives someone the finger, their guardian angel dies.
Because he wrote all the lines for the 'Most Interesting Man in the World' commercials.
Because he's the original old spice.
Because he's the Emperor of gingers.
Because the idea for E.T. came from his junk.
Because he eats cancer.
Because his farts smell like dove coos.
Because his high fives are more like high eights.
Because he can't sixty-nine properly, he keeps doing one hundred and twos.
Because all particles are linked to him by the law of entanglement.
Because his poops are so mighty that when he flushes he creates a torsion field.
Because black holes are afraid of him.
Because the NY Islanders drafted him and he told them to fuck off.
Because the NY Mets drafted him and he didn't notice.
Because he eats Count Chocula with chocolate milk.
Because, because, because, because, because...Because of the wonderful things he does.

Short Answer: Out of breath...too many jokes...so much funny...(In case it's unclear what I do here, these are all fresh, not compiled.)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Question: I'm bored. Any suggestions?

Get a job, hippy.

Short Answer: If you need suggestions from a guy like me, you're probably willing to do just about anything. I suggest porn.With the tough schedule, demanding physicality, and constant threat of germy reprisal, you won't soon be bored again.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Question: What does it mean if all the voices inside your head are screaming at the same time??

It means you really fucked up, that's what it means. Like you probably kicked a puppy so hard that it flew into another puppy, killing both puppies on impact. Or you played a practical joke on someone, like the saran wrap over the toilet one, but the person flipped out when they peed on the saran wrap, slipped on the spilled urine and fell face first into the saran wrap, smothering themselves to death. You found them this way, covered in their own filth with pissy cellophane affixed to their terrified features.

Or you might have just got a paper cut. Those are the worst.

Short Answer: Don't worry when all the voices sound off at once. Worry when all but one do. What's that other one up to?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Question: Are you missing large parts of last night?

Yes, the thighs of my dear one, Fat Alice. She left early this morning without a word, though I wanted to make her a huge breakfast. Huge. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised she was able to sneak out so easily. Maybe I'm a sound sleeper, but man, I wouldn't think that girl could sneak out of a room full of rowdy hippos. I mean, mudflaps, you know? Like, thick, long mudflaps, lose your face in there. And boobs till next Tuesday, hip height, ready to wobble. Oh, Alice, will I ever see you again? Well, probably, you're pretty big, but I mean in a carnal sense. Like with fucking.

Short Answer: My balls seemed so tiny in comparison. No, not in comparison to her balls you sick jerks.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Question: Is there anything worse than frisbee?

There might not be. I tried to play in a frisbee league once, thinking it would be like football without the torn hamstrings, but it was not. It was a bunch of people who hadn't played organized sports growing up taking on the worst possible traits of people who play too much organized sport. This super nerdly dude, who had clearly never done anything sporty in his life, had a glove. A glove for frisbee. I went out to try and get open, and they told me we all had to run this pattern. I said, "But this doesn't make any sense: here, I played football, I know a few neat things. Why don't we try this?" "No, we don't do other stuff."
Besides all the petty athlete behaviour, they also added some 'huge dweeb in the workplace' crap like being passive-aggressive. "You hardly screwed up at all, that time!"

Now the idea of frisbee on the beach with your boobs out, that's another story. Go for it.

Short Answer: There are, sadly, things worse than frisbee. Cocktail mixers, TMZ, nightmares where you shit yourself, etc.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Question: Which steel is better - Japanese or Damascus?

Really dealing with opinion hear, and the quality of traditional Damascus steel as compared to a folded Japanese sword is so similar, that a modern swordsmen would only know the difference by feel, if at all, and what modern swordsman knows anything about swords through feel? Unless you can really get that feel from cutting through rolled up mats, it's probably a pretentious douche who claims he can tell the difference.

The only difference between the two types of swords is the pattern on the blade. Simply put, the quality of iron in Japan was shitty, so they pounded things and folded things and flattened things to get out the impurities. (In case you don't know anything about sword making, while this 'forging' is going on, the charcoal of the fire imbues the iron with carbon, making steel.) The process was perfected, adding hard steel to soft in various combinations until they had a bad ass blade. Damascus swords were made from metals in the middle east, which had different combinations of other alloy metals, in particular nickel, tungsten and vanadium in that part of the world, that when folded together made a more aggressive pattern on the blade.

The principal is this. If you take any iron and pound it and fold out all the impurities, the blade will have little to no pattern. In my mind, it's simply what was lying around in the middle east versus the rigid perfection of technique in Japan. Now this is not supposed to imply that the Damascus swordsmiths didn't have technique, just that these are my predominant thoughts when comparing the two.

I saw a show in television where they talked about this old story, that Saladin showed the strenght of his steel to King Richard by cutting a scarf in twain with his sword.  They tried this with a Damascus blade, and it frigging worked. Pretty impressive stuff, and it has clouded by judgement ever since. I grew up thinking that the Japanese made the best swords, but they did their work despite lesser resources. This may be more impressive, but it doesn't make the swords better. I just have to believe that the ingenuity and industriousness of man, wherever he may call home, plus better materials, is going to make a better sword.

Edge to Damascus...for now.

Short Answer: In true, old Damascus steel, they've found nanowires and carbon nanotubes. That makes them strong, especially for the time they were forged.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Question: Can vampire blood get you high?

Yes, high in a sense. Obviously you can't inject it into your blood stream, and ingesting it in liquid form makes most people very sick (probably because they take too much - though it takes about a pint of human blood to make a human sick, less than a third of that from a vampire can make a human vomit). The other danger of ingesting is that if you have an ulcer or some other way for the blood to get into your blood stream, that's like injecting it, and nobody wants that.

The best way is to freeze dry it and cut it with something to lessen the blow. Snorting the dried blood will get it right into your system, without the danger of taking too much. But you do have to be careful; one short line is all that's recommended. If you take too much, same problem as before; either throw ups or vamp outs.

The safest way is probably to freebase the dried blood, but as you all know, the scent of the smoke can attract werewolves and then you've gotta share your weed. Buzz kill.

Just so we're clear, snorted vampire blood won't really get you high, not like good ol' cocaine. It will give you a very minor amount of the vampire's heightened senses, most notably, night vision. This is where the rumour of hallucinogenic proprieties arises, but it is false. Most people are high or drunk when they man up to snort vampire blood, and that adds to the effect. I would recommend avoiding tequila and absinthe when snorting vampire blood, by the way. Green fairies with pointy teeth.

Short Answer: One time a werewolf crashed my party and peed in a wok.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Question: If you could take one book with you as you began a 5-year jail term, what would it be?

Top Ten Books I Would Take With Me As I Began A 5 Year Jail Term If I Could Only Take One Book

10) Everybody Poops In Front of Other People
9) Lord of the O Rings
8) Stranger in a Strange Land With The Threat Of Constant Mental, Physical and Sexual Abuse
7) The Left Hand of Darkness Took My Pudding Cup
6) Moby Dick And Balls
5) Deliverance (by James Dickey) There's no joke here. That guy wrote Deliverance.
4) A Good Man Is Hard To Find Except In The Lunch line Or The Shower Or The Yard
3) The Things They Carried Up Their Butts
2) The Naked And The Dead And The Food Sucks
1) All The King's Men Taking Turns With My Virgin Ass

You'll see a theme here, but in my defence, I'm awfully pretty.

If I had to pick one book, just one, for five years of prison life, I'd take a fantasy book to help me escape the aforementioned daily ass-clamorings. Probably The Fionavar Tapestry, though technically that's three books. I have it in one volume. Does that count, or will they take it from me at the weird rules of prison booth before I go in?  Is that before or after they hit you with the delousing powder?

In truth, I'd bring one of my own books, so I could remember the good times before I strangled that lippy hooker. Hey, that would be a great pen name: Lippy Hooker.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention: The Adventures of Huckleberry Assfucker.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Question: Am I out?

Of the closet? Not all the way, you have to do more than touch knobs.

Short Answer: You sure ain't in.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Question: I think my neighbor has been milking my Yak - what should I do?

First off, if 'my neighbor has been milking my Yak' is a thinly veiled euphemism for 'my neighbor is bone-humping my wife', I'm your huckleberry.  Here's a flowchart. Does your neighbor have an of-age daughter? If yes, set up a scenario where you give the daughter an extravagant present, but the dad happens to be nearby, or finds out. A misplaced card with flowers is nice.  "Missing you" on the card. Every time she protests she doesn't know why the neighbor man gave her flowers will only make him believe more. If you're really nasty, and he's got a young kid, you can pick him up from school a couple of times and make sure the neighbor sees you wink at him. That should put a stop to the 'yak milking' and tout suite.

If you really have a yak, and your neighbor's been milking it, you have a few options. First, has your yak been shitting in the dude's yard? If so, tough noogies. Is your yak big enough to give milk to two families? If so, stop being such a fuddy-duddy and share the yakwealth.  If your yak hasn't been shitting in the guy's garden and she's not big enough to feed two families, I'd go with the flowers to the daughter thing again. I mean, he's going to be wracking his brain trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, right? Unless he's some evil fuck who has multiple doings a-going on, he'll probably realize you know about his dirty fingers all over Agnes's soft udders.

Short Answer: All female yaks are named Agnes, right?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Question: Are Torsion Fields real, or is it a bunch of whacko bullcrap?

Holy physics! I don't know about the whole torsion field thing. It's tricky 'cause the scientific community thinks that the application of this phenomena to faster that light information travel - and some other pretty far-fetched claims - is bogus. Torsion fields do exist though, they just aren't called that often by the scientific community. Of course we all know the scientific community can be jerks, but they're also almost always right when they dub some one's theory a 'whackjobber'. Almost always.

I mean, things have mass and things spin, and many things spinning can be a 'field' and calling spinning 'torsion' is fine, but the application of it has been fairly nuts. That's theoretical physics for you, though. Just saw a show where a dude used torsion fields to explain what happens in a black hole, with two two liter bottles joined at the neck. With liquid in the top, he spun until it made a little sody twister.  It passed through the neck of the bottles and spewed out like crazy elephant pee into the empty bottle. His theory, stuff goes in black hole, spews out into new universe from white hole. Pretty cool stuff.

Short Answer: Terminology can never be bull crap, but whether or not it can be applied to our world is the rub. But I suppose, that's applied physics, and by that logic, all theoretical physics is a waste of...wait a minute!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Question: To-MAY-to or To-MAH-to?

Look, normally I wouldn't. I'd just bite my tongue. Pronunciations come from a lot of different places, some have to do with accents, some stupidity; who am I to judge?

Oh yea, I'm Keith. Judgement ho! (That would be a good porno; Judgement Ho.)

People who say toe-maaaaah-toe should lick the gravy off of my poos. As I said, it usually doesn't bother me when someone pronounces a word differently than I do, unless they add some letters, like chimley or do that 'whole nother' thing; that's a whole other thing. But if you pronounce a word and it makes you sound like a pretentious git, you might be a pretentious git. You can get away with sHedule, barely, and facade is actually proper, but saying tomato like you're having an orgasm in the middle of it is dumb. Don't let the song fool you; it's not cute. If you listen carefully to the lyrics, they call the whole thing off. Pretty serious business.

Short Answer: People who say to-mah-to should have to put mah-o-naise on thier tomatoes. Yes I know that actually works on a sandwich...I wasn't talking about a sandwich I was just picturing a big dollop of mayo on a piece of a...never mind.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Question: What is the best cut of beef?

I could be a douche and say it depends on cooking method, and it does, in a lot of ways.  Overall, though there's a few that stand out. Obviously the filet mignon is the gay empress of wonder meats, but I have a few other favorites, and yes it has to do with how I cook them and whether or not they are marinated.

First of all, I find top sirloin to be a versatile cut that can hold up to any preparation, and it won't cost you a large fortune.  But my favorite, outright and simple answer, is the rib eye.  If you've never had an angus rib eye, you suck. It actually tastes like it was drenched in butter because of the marbling. Boom.

But my real, real answer is the strip loin, sometimes referred to as the NY steak. This is for two reasons. One: the fucking barbecue. I love to barbecue and I love to rub, sauce and marinate, not in that order of course.  The strip loin takes a marinade well enough and cooks quickly and evenly on the old grill.  Two: It doesn't cost a million dollars. Yes they're a bit more than 'regular' steaks but I just buy a shitload when they go on sale. Besides the angus rib eye, the butcher I go to has grass fed NY steaks and they barbecue up pretty damn nice.

Short Answer: So, in summary, filet mignon's great richie-rich but the strip loin is the tits. Well, not actually the tits, it doesn't come from near the tits. Oh wait, does it? All these words and I still managed to answer a question with a question. Resolution failed. Happy New Year!