Monday, December 31, 2012

Question: Is timing everything?

(Pause)

No.

Short Answer: It matters in humour, but it's not everything. You can always fall back on poop jokes. And it matters in pulling out as a birth control method, but it's not everything. You can always fall back on a coat hanger.

Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Question: What are you up to for New Year's?

At eleven I'm going to get up and make cake bacon.

At twelve we have mandatory dwarf tossing - greased division.

At thirteen I'll just watch the ungreased division. No challenge.

Earlier I have to clean the vents because a spy peed in there trying to steal my NOC list.

In the beforenoon, more drugs.

Later I'll eat a bowl of confetti.

Later still I will make a festive coil and press it into a bunt cake pan.

Then, we'll wrap all the presents we got for Christmas and put them back under the tree, then throw out the tree with the presents and light them on fire, watching the flames flicker in the tears of the little children.

Then a nap.

Then we'll wake up having missed twelve o'clock, and we'll all go, 'Ahh, I missed it,' in unison, before an all night Dukes of Hazard marathon where we take a shot every time nostalgia isn't enough to counter utter boredom.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution is 1080p, baby.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Question: Do envelopes ever wake up?

Hmmmm.

Yea...

You have to go to the hospital now.

I can't find a single angle, here. If your envelopes are looking especially sleepy, it might be a diet thing. Are you only sending meat letters? Perhaps you should switch to non-gluten bill payments.

Wow. Trying to write this is like breathing between up and chuck during a wicked stomach flu.

Maybe your envelopes need to stop watching so many scary movies through that weird little plastic window.

Or don't keep your cocaine in them. Or your anthrax; I bet that keeps them up too.

Also, I'm sorry to say, your envelopes might be dead. Yea, that glue can be toxic.

Short Answer: Am I even awake right now?

Friday, December 28, 2012

Question: Has dyslexia been a problem for you?

No. Tourettes has been a problem for me.

I've never been dyslexic, unless you count the time I said Vagina, Saskatchewan in school. (If you don't get this see: Canadian Geography.)

Or the time I asked a girl for a kiss and she threw up on my face. That could have been a dyslexia issue.

Or every time I say the word poop. I've got a pretty good chance of spelling or saying that word wrong and never noticing.

I never had a learning disorder other than boredom and too much weed, so I was lucky. I feel bad for people who have dyslexia, more so than I feel bad for most other things. Having something inhibit your ability to learn and communicate is a fucking curse.

Short Answer: Has lesdyxia been a problem for you? (This is a double joke if you're a lonely heterosexual female/homosexual male.)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Question: What about love?

Do people mean to ask questions in song lyrics or do I just hear them in song lyrics?

What about it?

Does it exist? Yes
Is it just a chemical response to a particular series of stimuli? Probably.
Does that make a lick of difference? No.

I dislike arguments about where emotions and emotional connections come from. Just because you can explain how something works, like love, or dreams or desire to listen to Hall and Oates doesn't make it any less true to the person. It doesn't change the template through which one receives it. If it did, the world would be messed up. Oh, love is just a mechanical thing in my brain and not a warm, icky feeling in my heart? What a disappointment. I don't love anymore. And good riddance.

I don't know. Maybe I'm biased. I've always been a fan.

Short Answer: Love: the only thing that's dry and warm and sticky and wet all at the same time. Except abalone.

(Hah. Abalone sounds like child support payments when you have a cold.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Question: Can you devise a nefarious trap for Santa?

It's a little late for this year, but maybe next year.

I'll just go ahead and assume that the best way to catch a Santa is with cookies. He seems to eat a lot of them. In a way, Santa's typical Christmas behaviour is like every step of a trap except the trapping part. The approach, the sneakiness, the enclosed space, the bait. It's all there. You'd just have to add a net at any point and you've got him.

He is kind of vulnerable; most of us are when we're being kind.

Short Answer: What? Did I just drop some Boxing Day wisdom? (Drops box - exits.)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Question: Merry Christmas! (I know it's not a question, but doesn't the answer guy deserve a day off?) Oops, that IS a question...

I guess deserve is a pretty big word. I deserve love and pancakes, yes. Loyalty and respect, quite possibly. A few smelly hugs once in awhile, of course. But a day off?

Poop. Boobs. Bum. Fuck. Tits. Shithead.

That's called mailing it in. Or phoning it in. Or is it texting it in, now?

Short Answer: Thanks for the sentiment. Wait, was this question from Santa Claus? I just got a magical, tingly Christmas feeling. Have a good one, everybody, from my bath to yours!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Question: What are your top ten best Christmas-related foods?

Top Ten Christmas Related Foods

10) Gravy. Everyone likes turkey and mashed potatoes, they think. But what would it be without the salty, tasty, thickened juice of the dead?
9) Turtles. No, not actual turtles prepared Cannibal Holocaust style, I mean pecans and chocolate and caramel. I don't even know if these are a holiday thing, I just only eat them during the holidays.
8) Crappy chocolates. I'm not a big sweets guy, but I really like, once a year or so, digging into a box of crappy chocolates and spitting out the cherry one.
7) Ham. This is a new addition. I just made a ham with a pineapple and passion fruit glaze. It tasted like the satisfaction of drawn out revenge.
6) Cookies. My mom makes cookies at Christmas time. They're the best cookies. Everyone thinks their mom's cookies are the best, but I've tried them all and you people are wrong.
5) Pea Soup. Another family seasonal thing. My mom makes this too. Super thick, big chunks of ham. Salty as hell.
4) Pease Pudding. Guess I like peas. This one's weird. You put a bunch of split peas in a sack of cheese cloth and hang it from the lid of a pot of boiling something - often cabbage where I grew up - and it boils into something soft on the inside and dry and terrible on the outside. It's awful. I don't recommend it.
3) Cranberry sauce. Obviously an accompaniment, a condiment even, but the only time of the year I eat it is at the holidays. Even cranberry juice reminds me of Christmas.
2) Bacon wrapped scallops. If you've never experienced this you might as well jump out of a sleigh without a parachute 'cause you haven't lived.
1) Shrimp rings. What says holidays more than a circle of poorly thawed shrimp and that red sauce you use once and have to throw the rest out?

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes out to chili. I'm not a huge fan of the stuff, but I've been making it for friends at Christmas time for a lot of years. It got pretty intense, trying to find new and crazy ways to do it. The infamous Black Chili will go down in holiday lore.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Question: Can you rewrite the twelve days of Christmas song for a modern audience?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my shorty/babymama gave to me:

12 djs spinning dub step
11 auto tuned singles
10 fiscal cliff jumpers
9 urban youths crunking
8 prego pornos
7 global warming detractors
6 late term abortions
...
5 Missed Child Support Payments!!!!
...
4 nearly extinct birds
3 orders of Freedom Fries
2 billion outsourced jobs
and a ridiculous interpretation of the second amendment!

Short Answer: I guess I didn't really capture the spirit of Christmas on this one. I really do think this could be updated in a more positive and less funny way. (I was trying to get bible thumpers thumping in there but it just didn't match up with any of the traditional verses.)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Question: What kind of foods do you like to eat over the Holidays?

I like to stuff a handful of hot dogs into a whole loaf of Wonderbread. That's some gourmet shit.

Note: stuffing a handful of hot dogs into a whole loaf of Wonderbread may very well have been the theme of a big lady porn I watched last night.

I like all kinds of foods (and porn, apparently) so I don't have specifics. There are a few traditions, I suppose. My family does this wacky thing where we get together and eat a turkey for dinner. Like the whole thing. I know, right.

Then we promise not to be sarcastic for a whole year. I almost made it, this time.

At Christmas I eat everything. Fatty crap, greasy crap, soda pop, cookies, cookies, cookies. I even eat stuff I don't like, or I'll eat the crappier cookies when I run out of the good cookies.

Note: the good cookies made me think of porn as well

Short Answer: You know what's a filthy name for a porn? Grandma's Biscuits.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Question: In the future, will there be tattoo parlors for robots?

I've often said that if one thing is going to go the way of the dodo in the future it's parlors of any sort, be they mahjong, tattoo or other.

In the particular case of robots, it depends how far into the future you mean. At first, say the next fifty years, robots still won't have the capacity or the desire to tattoo themselves. Sure, they can be built and programmed to put ink onto their bodies, but it won't really be tattooing.

Then, in fifty to one hundred years, they will gain some organic components and due to their advanced intelligence and extra arms, they will be able to chose which flaming skull they want and apply it to their own flesh with little aid from us.

After one hundred years, sporting the baddest tattoos the world has ever seen, robots will enslave humanity and in an unseen reversal, will force humans to do all the tattooing. This will be the beginning of the end for the robots as their laziness will become rampant and they will eventually lose out to the human rebellion.

Soon after that, humans will be eradicated by Supercats.

Short Answer: Once a robot has the capacity to want a tattoo, we're boned.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Question: Besides Jello, what is there room for?

There's always room for:

More Chinese food.
A second blowjob.
A sexy roommate, preferably female.
A single testicle.
Another person on the bus.
One last ornament on the tree.
Jeff Buckley singing Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
Friends. (Awwwww.)
Greasy black dildos (Ewwwww.)
The world wide web (www.)
Jokes.

Short Answer: There's always room for your heart to grow in size, like the Grinch's. It's called cardiomegaly.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Question: Everyone likes funny t-shirts. Can you give some funny phrases to put on t-shirts?

"My other t-shirt has boobs in it."
"I'm not an asshole; it just seems that way because you're an idiot."
"Mr. Ed had a big dick."
"Creationism: Evolution for the Indoctrinated."
"How much wood would a woodchuck Jesus do?"
"Harpers Local 235: Strumming it Between our thighs since 1945."
"I fucking love censorship!"
"4 out of 5 pimps find it ain't easy."
"A six armed monkey fears no evil."
"If you took first year psych and first year philosophy...I don't care."
"My eyes are down there."
"If you think these are big, you should see my hemorrhoids."
"I like it thick."
"FBI - Fat Balls Inspector"
"God can make it rain sulfur."
"I've never been on a boat."
"I rape muses."
"Angels do it on memory foam."
"Carl Sagan ate my lunch."
"Irreverence is the best poli-dent."

Short Answer: I think I started to lose my shit toward the end, there.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Question: Why do people count sheep?

I assume to find out how many sheep there are.

It's supposed to help you sleep, 'cause it's repetitive and boring but engages your mind. That's a bunch of bull crap though. More complicated scenarios wear your mind down more quickly. Like butchering sheep and wearing their skulls as a series of gooey hats.

If that keeps you up, I don't have another suggestion. Sorry.

Short Answer: Shepherds count sheep because it's their job.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Question: Why aren't we allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore?

You are. Trust me.

This is all such bullshit. What are people thinking? When you say "Merry Christmas" to someone, you're coming from a place of positivity, happiness, peace, brotherhood, the whole shebang. You say it because you feel good and you want them to feel good, to share in this one short time of year when we're all allowed to be a little happier without fear of some one's politically correct bullshit stomping all over our fun. If you're the kind of person who's offended by the term, I honestly think you should hole up in a cave for the entire month of December. We don't want to see you. We're out here having a good time, loving each other, laughing with family, singing stupid songs and hating fucking consumerism with a prideful smile on our faces. If you're going to say, 'bah humbug' you have to come around at the end and realize that being a Grinch or a Scrooge is detrimental to your own and society's well being. If you're too stupid to get that, you're beyond help and quite possibly functionality as a decent person.

And as for the religious argument, Christmas may be about Christ to some, and maybe it does leak a little bit of Christianity into your daily lives, but who gives a shit? You think a god exists that thinks the spirit of Christmas is a bad idea? If you genuinely believe that, then you need to practice a lot more introspection and not worry so much about being offended by people who are trying to be kind to their neighbour.

Short Answer: Say whatever you want. If your heart is in the right place, you shouldn't be worried. This is never so true as it is a Christmas time, when our hearts are more likely to be situated appropriately.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Question: The world is full of crazy things. What do you find mystifying?

Top Ten Most Mystifying Things in the World

10) When a turd you've previously flushed returns later, having swam upstream for one last breath of ass air.
9) People who interpret the bible their own way, then claim that it's uninterpretable.
8) How we, the citizens of the world, allow news to be fear driven entertainment rather than a vehicle to keep us informed.
7) People who are mystified by crop circles, bigfoot, glowing spheres etc.
6) Sarah Jessica Parker's maturation into a horse monster.
5) Anyone who's ever said the words, "The South will rise again."
4) Humanity's overwhelming belief that dick in vag and vag on vag porn is totally awesome, and that dick on dick is totally gross.
3) The existence of the clown.
2) Lambskin condoms. Time to leather up with a dead animal and then stick its flesh into your every orifice. (If I tried to fuck a girl with a marrow bone they'd be all up in arms about it.)
1) The concept that for some people the idea of 'progression' is somehow bad. Science, technology, evolution, learning about our environment, maturing, growing, making the world better, safer...to me, these concepts are irrefutable necessities. Yet we have 'conservatives'.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to the world's love of murder and suicide. Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Question: Would you wear a t-shirt with a picture of yourself on it?

Holy shit. This is amazing that someone asked me this because I have been wanting to wear a t-shirt with my own picture on it forever. The only reason I don't have a wardrobe full of them is because I'm that awesome combination of both exceptionally lazy and incredibly cheap.

But the answer is yes. A million times yes. It's funny, ironic, hip, stupid, egocentric, faux-egocentric, off-putting, impossible to explain and very, very tasteful.

Short Answer: Yes.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Question: How do you get her in the mood?

If by her you mean my wife, I like to use a nagging, unending campaign of violence and poorly wrought innuendo. There's no accounting for taste and she's a weirdo, so what can I say? I'd rather use rose petals and warm baths but she thinks roses are dumb and doesn't like cleanliness.

How people in general should get their girls in the mood is another story entirely. Touching boobs seems to work. It gets the correct message across in a hurry. Also pointing at the vagina, or at least staring at it. Hard not to get turned on with someone leering at your junk.

In general romantic stuff is for stupid people. Get right to the point. My wife, for example, to get me in the mood, will often ask if I'd like to plow her.

I would.

Short Answer: Lubricant.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Question: Been awhile since you did a poem. Question mark.

grains of salt
drain on resources
change to discourses
plans to outsource us

morals amorphous

morale eroded
life encoded
pockets bloated
enemies loaded

a drop in the well
of the political landscape
a tunnel to Hell
and all for God's sake

Short Answer: Forgot to do a short answer. This is from the future!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Question: Do Moose get it?


Moose penis from the rear? Yes
Hunting? No
Jokes about pluralization? No
Armor-All for Antlers? Yes
Alliteration? No
Archie Comics? No
Moose Entertainment Weekly? Yes
People AIDS? No
Penguin farts? Yes
Irreverence? Yes
Irrelevance? No
Woods feet? Yes
Bark ass? Yes
Ingrown toe nails? No
Bunions? No
Ingrown moose nails? Yes
Dressing on the side? No
Dressing to the side? Yes
Mark Messier? Yes
Occasional car beats? Yes

Short Answer: Moose pronounce it like shoes like cows pronounce everything.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Question: What are some brilliant things to shout before jumping from a plane?

Top Ten Brilliant Things to Shout before Jumping from a Plane

10) Here comes a piss bomb!
9) Geronibloop!
8) Think I'll no chute it. I'm gonna try to roll out.
7) See you on the ground. Well, not you.
6) I tied my chutes together to I can pull them at the same time.
5) Cannonball!
4) Thanks Tom Petty! (then boo yourself)
3) I think I just figured out who the killer was!
2) I'm gonna try up.
1) The Wright brothers would be so pissed right now. (Optional: emphasize the word 'right'.)

Short Answer: "See you in Hell" and "I think I left the stove on" are also fairly solid.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Question: What's the best way to tip a stripper? Also, do you have a stripper-story for us?

Here's a tip for a stripper:

Get a degree.

In all truth, I don't believe that. I think the way you choose to make money is your own business. I also think that if you've got a hot rack it's your duty and obligation to show it to as many people as possible to spread joy, peace and happiness throughout the universe.

These are not jokes.

As for whether or not I have a personal stripper story, I'm sorry to say that I do not. Despite all of my misogynistic humour and the amount of times I've played 'I put your car keys down my pants' with random women, I don't much care for strip clubs. I've only been twice in my life, and though I have a few fond memories (I'm talking about you brunette schoolgirl with the glasses) for the most part I find myself a little out of sorts in those places. I don't think uncomfortable is the right word; I think it might be a philosophical thing. I'm just not gonna pay for that stuff. Any of it. And if someone else will, I'm kinda taking their chair, you know?

And yes, I am being a dick to some degree. I get that it's fun to see naked women, and fun to have them fawn over you and grind up on your goodies.

I've just never had trouble getting that to happen without the funding. I think it's because of my coy smile and humongous balls.

Short Answer: The best stripper story I have involves a breakfast buffet. It was good. The end.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Question: Does bullshit walk?

Only if it's stuck to the bull's foot.

Or any foot, I guess, though I'd be hard pressed to assume that the shit on some one's foot wasn't their own.

I suppose there is a component of embarrassment associated with getting your own shit on your feet (though bulls probably don't care) but I'd think the circumstances leading up to getting another person's or animal's shit on your foot would be much more traumatic.

Like,

"Hey, did Mike shit on the floor?"
"What?"
Squish.

Short Answer: If it walks like bullshit and talks like bullshit, it's probably duckshit. Or something like that.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Question: Why are they called the 'Cardinal' directions?

There is literally nothing funny about Cardinals (as in Catholicism) or cardinals (as in birds). I mean nothing. The cardinal is not a funny bird, and in fact, was named after the other kind of Cardinal, who is not funny either.

The only thing even remotely funny about Cardinals is that because their Catholic priests, they probably had sex with boys. And I'm starting to think that having sex with boys isn't really funny at all. Turns out, the boys hate it.

Direction also isn't funny. "Where you going, Richard Pryor?" "West." "Ba-ha!" That never happened.

As for the actual answer to why cardinal directions are called cardinal directions, it's not funny either. No prat falls, no lampooning, hardly any chicanery and Cheech Marin is nowhere to be seen.

What to do?

Short Answer: Birds make white poops.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Question: What's the deal with airplane food?

I always liked it. Call me a jackass (Don't!), but I never got the feeling that I deserved a mid-air feeding, so I was always pleasantly surprised when it came. Didn't matter how it tasted - unexpected stuff in your mouth is good, right?

I remember being on a plane in Europe - somewhere between Scandinavia A and Scandinavia B - when I was offered a sandwich. I eagerly accepted. The sandwich was two pieces of forgettable bread smeared with butter and a slab of soft, white cheese in the middle. Whether that sounds good to you or not I was slightly appalled by the butter/cheese combo.

But, it was delightful. To the point that I still crave it once in a while, even from the ground.

Short Answer: If you don't like it, just don't eat it. Unless you need fodder for your eighties era stand-up routine.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Question: What is the fastest animal on the planet sexually speaking?

The Mosquito. Can make sweet love - orgasm included - in a couple of seconds. (Rabbits and rats also have some quick sex, so I guess depending on the amount of foreplay and lotion, either of these could be correct answers also.)

That was easy. As a bonus, here are a few other fun facts about the animal kingdom.

Flamingos have life long gay partners.
Blue whales ejaculate about eight gallons of gak.
Female porcupines masturbate with sticks.
Squirrel monkeys urinate in each other's faces during mating season.
Pigs have thirty minute orgasms.
Female lions have the most orgasms when in heat.
Flatworms 'penis fight'. Stabbed loser gets to be female.
Hyena ladies basically have a penis.
Dolphins have prehensile retractable penises.
Pandas get to watch panda porn.
Whiptail lizards do lesbian stuff, which prompts egg growth and then they clone themselves.
The Argentine Lake Duck has a penis the size of its whole body and can 'lasso' a mate.

Short Answer: The banana slug's penis is also the length of its body. If it picks the wrong sized mate, its penis gets stuck and the other slug will chew it off. How's that for a short answer?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Question: What is the literal translation of 'Shama lama ding dong'?

I think it means 'Shama lama penis'. Or possibly, 'Shama lama ding penis'.

I don't think you can 'literally translate' this because it isn't another language. It's made up singy talk, like 'shoop' and 'na-na-na'. It does make me think of a big, hairy barbarian with a long, stringy fuzzdick, though. That's probably what Otis Redding was going for. Originally, the song was probably called 'Barbarian alpaca high pitched noise penis', but the studio execs thought it was too 'graphic' and not accessible for 'whitey'.

And everybody likes ding dongs. Man. Ding dongs. I hope they never stop making those.

Short Answer: Hostess is what? Ah, shit.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Question: How difficult is a partial eclipse of the heart?

Not difficult. I'd put it on the same level as a semi-erect penis in an inappropriate situation, like at church or when your sister is in a bikini.

The thing about sort of having a crush on someone is that you can masturbate to them feverishly and not feel guilty about it. You can also probably talk to that person without getting tongue tied or having a raging case of the farts. It's fun to talk to someone who you imagined while masturbating; that's like a partial eclipse all on its own. A tiny joy, like sprinkles on top.

Just think, some time, everyone has been the masturbatory fantasy of someone else. Yes, even the fatties.

Short Answer: If you know me in person, I've thought about you. Wink.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Question: Assless chaps?

I've always found the term assless funny, because nothing can be assless except a human body, and an assless human body is some uninviting, gory shit. Am I the only one who pictures a carved up human bean when they hear this term? It's probably the tastiest part of a human too, besides maybe the heart, so in some logical way it makes sense to picture a person with their ass carved up.

As for the chaps, despite my recent attempts it turns out that I'm not and never was a cowboy. Disappointing, I know. I make the chili, I sing the guitar songs, but it just won't stick. Point being, I don't have any use for chaps, nor do I even know what the use of chaps is. But I'm guessing that any garment that is 'assless' is probably defeating the purpose of the garment itself. Like an assless tutu, or an assless radiation suit.

Plus, who wants to see a dudes ass? And why did I assume a dude was wearing these? All good questions geared towards my confused sexuality, but unanswerable by definition.

I think a girl in assless chaps would be pretty hot, but wouldn't it just be better for the chaps to be hipless, legless and beltless too? So the girl was naked?

I guess assless chaps are good when you want to show your ass to people, but you want that subtle touch. The subtlety that can only be provided by reams of leather.

Short Answer: Wait, aren't all chaps assless?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Question: How can I make grocery shopping more entertaining?

Easy.

Time to play:

Pimp Your Cart!

"I put this IPAD on the bar. Oh yeah, lists, bitches! Here we got some sideview mirrors, case any o' them hunnies are trying to grind up on you when you're trying to check them lists. Got the Bose speakers - cause those shorties at the sample cracker stand like to get crunk. We attached a swing arm gun mount, complete with the M240 machine gun for those motherfuckers trying to snatch up the last of the perogies. What? Underneath, the AT-2 swatter, surface-to-surface missile, for those pesky longass lineups at the cashier, fool. Here's your robotic mop arm. Cleanup on aisle gangsta! In the child seat flap, we hid this GPS, so's you can always find the freshest, dopest produce no matter where they be hidin' that shit. And of course, freehand painted, these bad racing stripes so everybody know to get out the way!"

Short Answer: I've never actually watched that show. I'm just assuming. Up in here.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Question: What can the lyrics "hold me like the river Jordan" possibly mean?

I don't know what to think.

Every time the topic of Michael Jackson is brought up, I get weirded out, confused about how to feel. On one hand, I want to believe he was a gentle soul that everybody loved who made the world a better place through his talent and creativity. On the other hand...possible kid fucker. Now I know there's no proof he did any wrong, and I really want to believe that he's as innocent as he seems. But so many people said he did do wrong. Maybe it's just the media coverage that clouded my judgement, or maybe where there's smoke there's always a little fire. Or I guess, under aged fire. And on this particular topic, even a little fire is way, way too much.

As a self-proclaimed humorist, there is a goldmine of hilarity to be prospected on the Michael Jackson front, I've just never been a big fan of making fun of him. If he was innocent of all those accusations, then he was one of the best dudes on the planet ever. Besides that, I don't particularly find the ways that people make fun of him very funny. Like the whole turning white stuff. Poor fucker had vitiligo, a disease that robs you of your skin pigment. I have some personal experience on this front and it's a trial, let me tell you. (Don't get me wrong; I'm not against making fun of him or anyone. Everybody deserves a taste, even pasty lookin' fuckers.)

Anyway, that river Jordan thing is in a Michael Jackson song called Will You be There. A lot of people find the song very inspirational and important. The Jordan was believed to be the place where John the Baptist baptised Jesus, so there's some religious connotation here and probably means 'hold me like you held Jesus' or something.

Insert own 'holding something' pedophilia joke.

Short Answer: When that super gentle soul who does Elmo got in trouble, I was like, dammit. These men who are still like little kids, all innocent and good with children...maybe there's something wrong with them inside that makes them that way. And makes them take it too far. If that pattern was established, it would be hard not to feel that Michael was guilty. (Note: Jesus Juice is funny.)

Friday, November 30, 2012

Question: What are the worst things that a guy standing next to you in an elevator can whisper in your ear?

Top Ten Worst Things to Hear from a Guy in an Elevator

10) "I'll just go ahead and claim the next three farts."
9) "Do you like puns about oral?"
8) "Nice ears."
7) "I had a dream last night that I was in an elevator that flooded. So weird cause you were in it too."
6) "How often when you hear the word rape do you think man on man?"
5) "Let me show you my new sexual hug."
4) "You got a real purty mouth."
3) "We have your wife. You have one hour to kill the president. We suggest...kindness."
2) "Let's switch briefcases. It'll be like that Lindsey Lohan movie."
1) "My wiener's got a first name, it's D-O-N-G-O."

Short Answer: Sometimes, through this blog, I get to work through my issues. It has become clear to me that if I were trapped in an elevator with a man, I would assume he was about to make sex on me. Now why is that I wonder? Maybe because not wanting stuff up your butt and being in an uncomfortably enclosed space are similar animals. Butt animals.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Question: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. What's the deal with Jack?

Ummm...he jumped over a candlestick?

I've noticed this before. Jack gets to go up the hill and get his jollies with that bitch Jill, and he gets to be the dude who climbs the beanstalk, and he's probably the same dude who sat in the corner stickin' his thumb into pies, years before that Jason Biggs guy almost got famous for fucking one.

Apparently, Mother Goose only knew a couple of names. Or maybe it's some deep-seeded, masculine metaphor, like every story with a predominant male hero is just jacking off. Then again, they probably didn't have the term 'jacking off' back then. Probably called it something old timey, like buttering your soldier, or hamboning.

Wait...arriving the carriage. How about stoking it? No, I got it, greasing the pudding pan. Shit, for all we know, jumping over the candlestick was some weird sex metaphor. Or it was the jumping the shark of the time. Like, in bed, jack's nimble, but he's quick, so before the lady finishes greasing her pudding pan, jack's already jumped the candlestick.

Nice.

Short Answer: I think we've solved it. Jack is a selfish lover. Case closed. Now I think I'll go close my own case, if you know what I'm saying.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Question: C'mon, dude. Top ten already. Errr...question mark.

Top Ten things that fit in whoever asked this question's butt

10) Plugged in curling iron - with the flap open to sear the taint
9) A muddy zucchini
8) A syringe full of dog barf (discharged)
7) Frozen man turd
6) Cast of Rachmaninoff's hand
5) Foam finger - soaked in lye edition
4) "Black Friday" (this is a dildo joke)
3) Own head, ungreased
2) Hungry, Hungry Hippos with marbles, sideways
1) Christmas Spirit! (And it can stay up there till December, please.)



Short Answer: Honorable Mention: My fuckin' boot.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Question: Ever taken the ball to the hoop?

Yes, but I can't dunk, so it's pretty unimpressive.

More impressive is a story I'd like to relate about my balls and a hoop earring.

Here goes.

One time I got my balls stuck in a hoop earring. The lady was mad.

Short Answer: I have the 'vert' of a small, crippled child.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Question: Should aliens make first contact on your balcony, how will you represent the rest of us?

This is tricky. Are you asking how I'd act to represent all of us accurately, or just what I'd do that would end up representing us? I ask this because my normal behaviour, in almost any situation, would be a poor representation of human behaviour. And for the most part, I'm proud to say it.

First thing I'd do is ask them if they had front doors on their planet because it's pretty fucked up to show up on somebody's balcony. And on this planet, people are automatically gonna think that an alien on the balcony means something up the bum is happening in not too long. In fact, "alien on the balcony" is pretty much a euphemism for anal stuff.

Then, I'll offer them tap water cause what do they know about etiquette here? Besides, I didn't technically invite them; not gonna waste the pelligrino.

I suppose, as boring as it sounds, I'd want to know what they were up to before I started doing things that one reading this might find hilarious. Like I'm not going to put on Chris DeBurgh and make one of them put on a red dress and garter. I think it's probably important to figure out their attitude toward us before I start the intergalactic cross-dressing.

For example: Me - "What do you guys want?" Alien - "We're here to evaluate the human race, to see if they're worthy of life." Me - "Oh. You guys ever had chocolate?"

As opposed to: Alien - "We're just a bunch of silly fuckers out for a good time." Me - "Oh. You guys ever had weed?"

Wait, maybe chocolate is a bad idea. They might be allergic, like dogs. Wait, probably not a good idea to compare them to dogs. Wait, they might not know what dogs are. Best not to explain.

Me - "Yea, we have, like, other species that are subservient to us. They're basically just there for our entertainment. All we do is feed them and tell them where to poop."

Alien, his eyebrows settling in a dastardly manner - "You don't say."

Short Answer: I think it would be funny to try an elaborate handshake on first contact, and then be annoyed when they don't know it, can't get it, or because their fingers are too long and floppity.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Question: Who would win in an axe fight, Hall or Oates?

If you mean axe like guitar, then Daryl Hall.

If you mean axe like axe, then Daryl Hall.

I think its pretty clear who the talent is here. (Psst - it's the one without the jerry curl.)

I love Hall & Oates, and I'm sure they have some magical song writing mojo that I could never witness or attest to, but it seems like Hall is the guy doing the heavy lifting. He's the soulful voice of the duo, which is kinda the thing that makes them awesome.

Plus, in an axe fight, you've gotta go with the bigger man. Quickness is not as relevant as soon as the weapon starts travelling from edged to blunt trauma. A sword, maybe the little fucker's got a chance. A mace? Slaughter for the big guy.

Hall wouldn't get out unscathed, but he'd win. And then he'd be all like, "You're out of touch, I'm out of time, I'm outta my head when you're not around. Wooo-oh-ohhh, woo-oh-ohhhh!"

Short Answer: Hall & Oates - Six number one singles, seven platinum albums, Number 15 on Billboard's greatest artists of all time. I can go for that.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Question: You have five minutes alone with Gary Bettman. What do you do?

For those who aren't in the know, Gary Bettman is the Commissioner of the NHL (National Hockey League).

I will not take a side on the issue of the lockout. I will base my answer on the man's demeanor alone.

If a person was ever that condescending, disingenuous and weaselly anywhere in my proximity, I'd choke the life out of him and think I'd done every other human being a service.

Short Answer: Very few people have made me angry through the television, just because of the way they treat others. He is at the top of that list. The issue is, he has no reason to behave that way. It's disgusting. Most people you give the benefit of the doubt to because you don't really know them. But I wouldn't even want the opportunity to spend five minutes alone with that man, even if I could throttle with impunity.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Question: So I'm on the bus and this random guy says to me, "You're clearly a mushroom farmer!" What the hell does that mean? And by the way, I'm not a mushroom farmer.

Only a mushroom farmer would ask a question like this.

It probably means you smell. Or you look like someone who bends over a lot.

I think it's actually a derogatory term; you feed people shit and keep them in the dark. Rather intimate and specific for someone you've never met before. Maybe that person wasn't just a stranger on a bus. Maybe it was an old flame that - post sex change - has come back to get in a final dig. That's probably part of the twelve steps of getting a sex change. Go back and zing the people who made you feel like you wanted to curdle your jingly bits.

Short Answer: Though you may not produce and sell fungi, you might in fact be a mushroom farmer if you're secretive and you lie to people. Good thing some random person has given you the incentive to be self-reflective. And junk.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Question: Top Ten childhood toys?

10) He-Man In particular, Cringer/Battlecat and Stinkor. He actually smelled bad.
9) Tennis Racket, Tennis Ball, Basement Wall I just liked playing with myself. I mean by myself. Never mind.
8) Table Top Hockey Again, I'd play by myself, making up teams and keeping stats.
7) Atari 2600 I was a bad ass at Yar's Revenge and Missile Command.
6) Nerf Ball, Bedroom Wall, Water Bed Same as the tennis game. With all these games, I'd make teams, leagues, tournaments and keep statistics charts. You may think I'm a weird nerd, but my hand eye coordination is ridiculous because of this stuff. Also I'm good at counting. (The water bed allowed me to 'dive' for shots, by the way.)
5) GI Joe Because they were more flexible, I'd turn my Joes, along with my playschool men and my Captain Power figures into soccer teams. They used a little black marble for a ball. They starred in my wrestling simulator as well. The ring was a checker board.
4) Go-Bots Yea, yea. I had some Transformers, too, but I had a shit load of Go-Bots. I even had the Go-Bot carrying case. Yes, I was that kid.
3) Hockey Cards We used to flip them in school, and you'd win what you matched. Hurt the resale value in the end. What did we know?
2) Pound Puppy I think my pound puppy was named Coco or Toffi. I don't remember the name, but I had him for a very long time and I loved him. I think he was the only stuffed toy I ever slept with.
1) Rebound I don't know where this game went. Things get lost as you grow up. They get sold or left behind or thrown out. This was a game with little ball bearings that you'd slide along a long plastic surface. They'd 'rebound' off of two sets of elastics and come down in a scoring area. Like curling but with a bend.
 
Short Answer: Honorable Mention to Ker-Plunk, a game that I think was made of steel and glass. You'd pull plastic sticks out of the center of an industrial strength tube until the marbles they supported crashed to the bottom. Like Jenga but with more trips to emergency.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Question: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Jesus Christ.

I'd assume tied to a bed, naked and raw from too much weird fucking. Oh, sorry, did you like that shit when you were a kid? Well, that's reality. Time to grow up. Some of your childhood heroes own ball gags.

Did anyone ever think to look in San Diego? I'll bet she was just at the zoo the whole time. Her phone probably died or something.

I know. Her and Waldo were in Mexico, spending all the money he made hurting my eyeballs like a dick.

I saw a girl at a bus stop once and wrote a poem about her. I doubt anyone will ever buy it, so here it is, free of charge:

Thin jeans, red and white
striped shirt; I have finally
found love and Waldo

That was a haiku, motherfuckers.

Short Answer: (Just wrote Shirt Answer, had to fix): She's probably in the last place you'd look for Hispanic rogue agent thieves.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Question: Put me in my place, would ya?

You're a fine, upstanding citizen. You have an altruistic soul, and are never shy to lend a hand to someone in need. You like pornography, but not the kind with all the hair pulling. You help old ladies cross the street and would likely assist in their suicides because life has become a terrible, unremarkable chore for them. The kids don't visit anymore; the grand kids might be dead or in jail for all they know. If that hussy their son married has anything to do with it.

You like rainbows. Gay people think you're gay, and that makes you uncomfortable, but you try hard not to show it so as not to offend. One time a girl showed you her boobs at a party and you thanked her politely. She didn't know, couldn't know, how furiously you masturbated to the image later on in the bathroom. That couple in the next stall thought you were fucking someone; you didn't tell them otherwise and not just because you were embarrassed. You wanted to allow them their false feeling of kinship. They were not the only ones performing drunken coitus in a dirty bathroom.

You love whales but would never ride one, for fear it would hurt their hearts. You thought the curly haired guy on Greatest American Hero had 'black-guy' hair, but never told anyone. You thought Neil Young and Neil Diamond were virtually the same, until you heard Forever In Bluejeans and pooped a little. You named your chia pets, and think of them fondly now that they're dead and gone.

You buried that hooker in a deeper grave than was necessary.

Short Answer: Way to go, champ.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Question: I occasionally get these weird voice messages where all I hear is a very faint, possibly vocal, clicking sound. It's probably nothing, but thought I'd ask your advice.

That's a text message, dude. You're reading a text message. You hear the clicking because you associate reading texts with the noise it makes when you send texts.

Just kidding.

That's someone who wants to kill you. That clicking noise originates in their throat. It's involuntary. Comes along naturally with the desire to slowly dismember humans.

Just kidding.

You're crazy. You still answer your phone and expect people to have 'conversations'. What is this, the fifties? (Did they have telephones in the fifties or is that televisions?)

Just kidding.

That's your ghost from the future trying to communicate with you through electronics. He's trying to warn you about your death. It's soon.

Just kidding.

You're getting pocket dialed by a tap dancer.
You accidentally subscribed to finger drumming monthly.
Your apps are frustrated.
Rain wants to hang out.
You left the tap on in your other phone.
It's the sound of the man working on the chain gang.
The new Siri is sophisticated: human heart.

Short Answer: I don't like it when people say just kidding. It should probably be obvious.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Question: Can you apply bacon as a solution to global warming?

Sure. Why not. Good way to bridge the gap between the dummies who don't believe in global warming and the fact that it's real. Dummies love bacon. They love it so much they get bumper stickers about it and wrap all foods in it and turn it into sushi.

Listen. Bacon is awesome. Pig is the best thing on the planet and everyone likes things that are salty. But I grow a little weary of the bacon fanatics out there. We get it. It's funny to take something that everyone loves that seems mundane and turn it into the focus of all happiness and enlightenment. Problem is, there's nothing impressive or original about it. What would be impressive and original is if you took something that isn't mundane that nobody is a fan of and turned that into the focus of your life.

Like a bumper sticker that says: My genital wart is on the honor roll.

Short Answer: Oh, I was supposed to come up with some sort of crazy idea? Bacon fat grease could be dumped into the sea and turn the cold currents back to warm before they meet other warmer currents, therefore preventing super storms. And the grease won't kill animals cause they'll just open their snouts or their beaks, squawking thank-yous as they gom down the tasty grease, ingesting it before it mucks up their fur. Please. Murdering animals because their tasty ain't never gonna solve a real problem other than,"What do I want on my pizza?"

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Question: How is Elisabeth Shue still so hot?

She probably does that neck slapping thing that keeps the age away. Real thing.

The weird thing about Elisabeth Shue is that she's hotter now than she was. Don't get me wrong, around Adventures in Babysitting time she was at her peak, but I didn't find the boob out scene in Leaving Las Vegas to be all that appealing (maybe that's the fault of the movie's tone) nor did I enjoy the semi naked stuff from the invisible man movie with Kevin Bacon and Rhona hot tits Mitra.

Then I saw her in Hamlet 2 and I was all like, "Shit!" And then my wife was all like, "What?" And I was all like, "Shut up, bitch!" And she was all like, "Divorce."

Hot again in Piranha. Think maybe it's time to petition for some full nudity, like she did in that movie where her brain didn't work so good but her breasts worked on my dong just fine.

Short Answer: She's probably still hot because she wasn't squashed by the Hollywood stress machine for awhile. A perk of being cast out by that fickle whore.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Question: How do you respond to the rumour that you are Karl Rove's secondary, liberal personality?

Let's get one thing straight right off the old bat. This question was not asked of me because I look like Karl Rove. I am an Adonis. I look like someone who could fold up your car. My eyes are like pools of brackish water, filled with lily pads of compassion. Upon those lily pads sit beautiful frogs of sexual promise. When I smile my teeth smile as well creating a second smile. My eyebrows are bewitching and I've got a big dong.

Moving on. Karl Rove is an immense nutbar. Here's what we have in common. We love poontang. That is all.

Short Answer: My lower back looks a little like Karl Rove's lower back. What of it? (If I was in Thailand or something, and I saw an American style frozen yoghurt shop, I'd expect it to be called something like Poontang Nutbar. Or Poontar Nutbang. Or Nutpoon Bangtar. Or Poonnut Tarbang...time to power down.)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Question: What is your favourite adjective?

The answer is quite simple.

It's fucking.

To begin with, I love the word fuck. I say it as often as possible. I say it around children, at old people and near churches (I can't go in churches, I always catch on fire). Whenever, as much as possible, fuck.

So it's a natural progression to want to use many forms of the word fuck. My favorite is probably as a noun. You fucker, for example. But the adjective would be a close runner-up.

"What's the deal with these fucking hot dogs? They smell like shit."
"Did you leave the fucking door open. I'm gonna kill your face."
"Fucking balls. Right in the vagina!"
"Who gives a fuck? You do? You're a fucking trollop."
"This is fucking great. I love pizzafucking."

You get the idea.

Here's a few of my other favorite adjectives, just to spice up the answer.

"What's wrong with this bigass fucker? Sit the fuck down!"
"You don't have to be such a raging clit about it."
"This is an acceptable amount of off-color language."
"These jokes about Lance Armstrong's balls are very tasteful."
"I like oldey-time movies, like Spice World."

Short Answer: Another of my favorite adjectives is smelly. "Whoever said this smelly fussbudget could attend our private function is a smelly pantload."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Question: I've noticed the disturbing trend of virtually every girl's Halloween costume becoming quite slutty. While I am all in favor of sluts, what I don't get is why kids are being sluttified. Is that training for the future? And really, why are sluts dressing up like sluts? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a costume?

New longest question ever.

I don't even remember the beginning of the question at this point. I like sluts, though. Was there more to this? Let me go back.

Right, right. Okay. Sorry to take the funny away for a minute, but I'm going to be serious.

Farts.

No really. Here we go. If you dress your kid up 'slutty' you deserve to be axe-handle raped.

There.

As for sluts dressing up as sluts, I see your point, as in, what's the point? But the thing is, because so many girls dress slutty, you get a few of those girl who would never dress slutty that brave the goose-flesh of exposed thighs and cleavage to 'fit in'. In my opinion, those girls are the hottest, 'cause you can sense that they know they're being a little naughty. That's fucking hot. Plus, I believe that normally reserved girls are more likely to go for the hottest of the slutty gear, like Slutty Librarian with the cat's eye glasses and the bun that comes down once they've been properly ruffied.

Short Answer: I don't think that showing a bunch of tit is ever defeating the purpose of anything. In any situation, boobs make the world a better place.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Question: Can you name two dessert foods that definitely shouldn't be paired?

Yea I can, fatty. They're called any dessert and any other dessert. Who even thinks of having two desserts let alone pairing two together? Sure, once in awhile go back for a second slice of pie, but don't sit there and think, "Now what goes good with pie? Oh, I know! Fucking cake!"

You fold your pizza, don't you? Admit it. You fold your pizza so you can stuff it down your thick neck all the faster.

Here's a good pairing for you. One dessert, once in awhile, paired with getting off your fucking couch.

If when you get off that couch and walk to the kitchen to stuff your ovular face, or to drop off three tons of sick shit in the terlet, and you count the times that your thighs slap together, you should be able to make this simple equation. How many desserts I can eat + how many times my thighs slapped together = 1. One dessert. Any flapping and you get none, chubs.

Short Answer: If you're going to destroy yourself with calories, pick up pizza on the way home from McDonald's like the rest of us.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Question: Why the fuck do parents of sick kids seem to congregate in highly populated places such as malls, museums, and aquariums so that they can spread their demon seed?

I can only pretend that I understand what this question means. I think maybe some kid with leukemia must've kicked a shin or two, or perhaps a kid had a seizure in a perfectly good parking space.

I didn't know that the parents of sick kids congregated at all, except at funerals, so I'm not sure what the deal is or where the anger comes from. Maybe they all get together to show the kids a good time before they croak. Like, "This is a whale, Timmy. Some might say, you have a whale of a cancer."

All jokes aside, if you have a sick kid, I think you should be able to do what ever you want, even if the premise we're going with is that those actions will somehow spread the disease like herpes at a stripper convention. Being a parent is tough; watching your kid be sick must be super tough.

Shit got serious.

Short Answer: Are you talking about fundraisers? Again, I don't get the anger. I'd just use that money to buy Cheetos.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Question: Is your home safe?

I live on a houseboat, so I'm pretty sure my home is safe unless there's a giant squid directly beneath me.

Oh, shit. Is there a giant squid directly beneath me? Wait, is this question from a giant squid? I'd have expected a giant squid question to be sent to me on paper with ink, but now that I think about, you are diabolical, aren't you?

Now what the fuck do I do? Can't call the squid police. Coast guard won't believe me, not after the whole 'whales are looking at me' fiasco.

I'll just assume that tentacles are violating every orifice of my humble abode as we speak. I'm going to get my gun. Time to end it all. It's been a good run.

Short Answer: This question is creepy even if it wasn't asked by a giant squid.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Question: Is it possible to start fires with your mind?

Do you mean 'your' mind like any one's mind or like 'your' mind as in my mind?

No. You can't start fires with my mind. You can't do anything with my mind unless you're a girl with a big ass. Then you can turn off my mind and start a fire in my pantaloons.

As cool a word as pyrokinesis is, I'm pretty sure that it's about as real as that new Bigfoot talk show Squatch Talk that all the squirrels are on about. Can't trust a squirrel, though. They're all about nuts.

Aliens can start fires with their minds. But they only do it at night when you're asleep. They creep into your room and have roasted marshmallows around your bed. Then right before you wake up they take one long finger and poke you in the bum, starting a little fire there, if you know what I'm saying.

Drew Barrymore can start fires with her mind. Remember that scene in one of those awful Charlie's Angels movies where she's at a racetrack and they magically make her cleavage the best cleavage of all time?

Yea.

Short Answer: I don't believe in stuff.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Question: Can you give me some ideas on how to avoid too-early christmas music?

I love Christmas.

But I also hate too-early Christmas. This question actually made me cringe. Until Christmas really hits, which for me is probably somewhere between a month and two weeks before the actually day, the holiday is just stress upon stress. What to buy, how to buy it, where I'm getting the money, will my herpes clear up in time, will I get a new batch of herpes at the last second, does Santa have herpes, does Mrs. Clause know...you get the idea.

We all know the answer, here. The best way to keep yourself from being inundated with Christmas music is to shove white hot fire pokers into your ear holes until the sizzling stops. Most of us don't have the balls to make that kind of commitment, so I understand that a few alternatives might be nice.

Don't go to the mall.
Don't listen to the radio.
Isolate those friends (you know the ones) who are likely to jump on too-early Christmas, and plan to spend time with them when it's appropriate; December.

I'm gonna stop right there. I have a confession to make. I was singing Sleigh Ride to myself like a week ago. I'm a battered pirate; no legs to stand on.

Short Answer: It's not the worst thing to have to succumb to, is it?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Question: If it isn't other robots, who makes the robots?

Little children.

In Asia.

For stamps. No, not even food stamps. It's just this stamp with a picture of the Tiananmen Square guy, standing there. But instead he's wearing a foam finger that says 'Get to work, fatty.'

Which is sad, because the children are emaciated from hunger.

Now do you feel bad for wanting a robot?

Short Answer: Slaves make robots too.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Question: When a vanquished dragon is mourned by its dragon widow, and you're still in the room, what do you do?

Make tea.

Short Answer: It's also a good time to steal a bunch of treasure, but you'll feel super guilty if she notices and doesn't care because she's so sad. "Just take it. What's the point, anyway? I've nothing to spend it on, not anymore."

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Question: Would you ever let yourself be shot out of a cannon?

The only way I'd go for this is if I was being shot into another cannon. 'Cause that's funny. Or a pool of naked breasts. I'd go for that as well.

Why don't we have things that are soft like boobs? Shouldn't that be something the scientists are working on? Shit, I'd buy that pillow/cushion/bed. Feels like boobs on your head! Sold.

I think my problem with being shot out of a cannon is that I am not, nor have I ever been, a projectile. I don't know how to do that. I'd probably wave my arms like a drowning man and scream like Goofy. That would probably be a good show for you, but I'm guessing my pantie-dropping stats would take a pretty big dive for at least a little while.

And we can't afford that, now can we?

Short Answer: I think it would also be okay to set up one of those stunts where a fat guy is gonna take a cannonball in the guts, but instead he takes me in the guts. That's funny. Especially if he's standing close enough that my feet don't leave the cannon.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Question: When I see the word pens I think of the word penis. Is that bad?

I suppose it could be alright. Do you really just think of the word penis, or do you picture a big, throbbing, veiny monstrosity, waiting with little anticipation to probe and torpedo the undercarriage of some pretty young thing or disgusting man butt?

Slow down. Stop crying. We all have our triggers. Many of us think about big dicks at inappropriate times. I have many triggers. The Oscar Meyer wiener song, ferrets, long announcements, a woman's breasts...you get the idea.

Look, no one's going to be mad at you if your brain is on cocks. It happens to the best of us and strippers. We're all whores for sloppity man meat when it comes right down to it. Those bad boys are intriguing. Soft, supple, yet hard and angry. Small, then big, then small again, then covered in unsightly dry skin from hard wanking and under-vagina use. It's a veritable mess down there, and inquiring minds want to understand dong.

You're going to be okay. If you're really concerned switch to pencils or move to Regina or Virginia. That should take your mind off of dudes' junk.

Short Answer: Wang.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Question: Would you please make a list of people whom you think might be robots?

I assume this question is inspired by presidential candidate Twit Rombot (see what I did there?) and his wonky wiring when it comes to any sort of consistency or integrity. I'll happily oblige.

Top Ten People Whom Might Be Robots

10) Sinbad - Yeah, the comedian. Not funny at all and dresses like he picks his clothes out of the fabrics in a blind old woman's living room, then wears the clothes like he has a different amount of limbs so they don't fit right. Robot.
9) Sam Worthingtion - I'm willing to give this young-ish actor some leeway, but from what I've seen so far, I'm not buying the hype. He's clearly programmed to do an okay job, but he's often very stoic, still and lifeless without conveying any emotion. Robot.
8) Rachel Ray - Something's wrong there. We all know it. I'm pretty sure that smile is made from metal and space-aged plastics. And she manages to be attractive and repulsive all at the same time. And she knows stuff but you still want her to shut up. And she's the kind of woman that if you had to spend more than an hour with, you'd be looking for the power switch. Robot.
7) Jack Hanna - Sure, he loves animals. But isn't it sort of like the love of animals you'd expect from a robot who has to program another robot to make it look like he loves animals? Ever get the impression he's kicked a cat or two when no one's looking? Like when his scans say no one's looking? Robot.
6) David Lynch - No human is this weird. This was supposed to be a hairdresser bot and things went super haywire and now this metal hearted daemon wants to express itself visually. Sure, give the robot a camera. Robot.
5) Billy Crystal - Make no mistake, at the time Billy Crystal was programmed, that was considered funny. But like all software, humour needs its upgrades. If that wasn't a robot hosting the Oscars, I don't know from robots. Robot.
4) Rob Zombie - Again, something went wrong here. I'll bet this maintenance bot worked okay for a few years, but somehow its circuits allowed it to wanna kill all humans. Knowing it could not do this alone, the Zombie bot twisted its longing for human flesh into strange, surreal images and music. Then, like all creative people, became a director bot. Robot.
3) The Great Khali - Many of you won't know this reference. The Great Khali is a professional wrestler in the WWE. (He was also an actor in Get Smart and Macgruber.) He's one million feet tall and walks like he's at war with knees. I see what they did, gave him a bit of ethnicity to go along with the giant face, but it's not fooling anyone. Robot.
2) Tom Cruise - They did a good job with this one. The smile is a little too wide, though, and he runs with impossible precision and intensity. And he does all of his own stunts with no fear and everyone thinks he's the perfect leading man. No one gets praise from his peers like Tom Cruise. And he's programmed that way. To indoctrinate, one must first gain trust. Robot.
1) Mario Lopez - If you don't know who Mario Lopez is, good. He might be the most evil robot on the planet. Notice his lack of any flavor or flava. He's like a brown painted flesh bag, with a fake smile and perfectly chiseled frame. He cannot attract or offend. He is simply there. Like the old guy standing at the edge of a kung-fu fight. He's gonna do something, and when he does, it'll be big. Robot.

Short Answer: There are a lot of robots. The question is, who makes the robots? Is it other robots? I can only assume.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Question: When is it ok to cheat?

I honestly believe that there is absolutely no point to cheating. There are a million ways to get what you want, be it self-esteem or money. Cheating is pointless; it disrespects whatever endeavor you're pursuing. Take a game or a sport, for example. What's the point of constraining yourself to the regulations and guidelines of a game only to break a rule just so you can win? To me, it's pathetic and dishonors not only the sport itself, but every other person involved at the time you're playing, and possibly even every person who's ever loved that game and wanted to play it just for the joy of it.

That being said; here's a short list of when it's acceptable to cheat.

If money's involved.
If you're bored.
If you're trying to impress a woman.
If the person you're playing against is a 'goody two shoes'.
If the person you're playing with is attractive.
If you want to emasculate someone.
If the person you're playing against is some sort of 'fag' or 'queermo'.
If you feel at all like James Dean.
If you think their might be a modicum of self-worth gleaned from the victory.
If someone says you're a 'fag' or a 'queermo'.
If it's a stupid game with stupid rules for idiots.
If you have an inkling to take your ball and go home.
If it's raining outside.
If you have seasonal affective disorder or AIDS.
If you're handi-capable.
If your foot hurts.
If you have plans later.
If you're inspired at that moment by the music of Dr. Hook.
If you've had any eclipse of the heart, total or otherwise.

Short Answer: I don't like cheaters. But I do like steroids. A lot. Times are tough.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Question: Do you like to travel?

No. I do not.

I like places, the same way anyone does, but the hassle for me is not worth it. As someone who spends every day making things up - characters, settings, motivations - and living in those fantastic realms, I find that my idea of a place is almost as rewarding as the place itself.

Some of you may think this cerebral attitude is off, that you have to experience things firsthand. For most people, that's probably true. But I've travelled a little, and I must say, my idea of the way things are in other parts of the world may not be as accurate or as informative as the reality, but it's a hell of a lot more fun. And fun is priority number one when it comes to what I do with my time.

Example: Not as many clowns in India as you'd probably like to see.

Short Answer: Food is the reason to travel, and the reason I will again.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Question: What are the things that make you happiest when creating top ten lists?

Probably the laughter of children.

Either that or the mounds and mounds of sarcasm.

I like counting; that's a good time, right guys?

The anticipation: I wonder what number is next?

The fact that I follow each top ten list with a terlet-deuce I've dubbed the "Eleven."

Short Answer: Top ten lists make me sick to my stomach, you bastard! Sick! (If you're finding this answer to be fairly uninspired, that's because you smell like a butt, sir.)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Question: Can you give us a list of Horror movies that have creepy kids?

Yes.

I can.

(I assume spoilers are assumed, but I want to double check. There are more than a few in this list. For one of the movies, the twist in the end is that kids were doing it. No bigger spoiler than that. You've been warned.)

Top 25 Horror Movies with Creepy Kids

25) Salem's Lot - Just for that one scene, with the kid scratching at the window.
24) Village of the Damned - Children walking in formation, bad, mind control, creepy white hair.
23) The Bad Seed - Pretty self-explanatory.
22) Alice, Sweet Alice - Who is doing the killing? Couldn't be Alice, could it?
21) Let the Right One In - I personally didn't find the kid in this scary at all, but it deserves to be included.
20) Halloween - For the beginning; it's the reason he comes back, after all.
19) Carrie - Maybe Firestarter here instead? No. Drew Barrymore = adorable. Sissy Spacek, though a little old looking for this list, is freaky looking.
18) Child's Play - Technically, a doll isn't a child. Why is this on the list? Cause being stalked by a toddler sized doll is basically like being stalked by a toddler.
17) Dawn of the Dead (remake) - Zombie little girl and zombie baby.
16) Near Dark - Homer's technically an old man in a kid's body. I claimed to my wife that the reason I wasn't going to include Orphan was becuase of the same thing. I lied. Orphan just sucks. Near Dark is the tits.
15) Pet Sematary - You knew it would be here. Good ol' Gabe. Razor blade to the Achilles for the win.
14) The Orphanage - Another self-explanatory one. Potato sack face is the scariest.
13) Ju-On: The Grudge - Little boy with black eyes makes cat noise. Check.
12) Eden Lake - When kids fuck with you, how far can you go? And if you go too far, what's to stop them from fucking your shit up permanently?
11) The Last Exorcism - Of all the skinny little girl contortions into odd shapes exorcism movies, this one did it for me the most.
10) The Others - More spoilers. The kids are in fact haunting the house, making the atmosphere of this movie translate to a very impressive and heartfelt twist. Things that are heartfelt scare me.
9) Sleepaway Camp - Holy shit, the ending of this movie still scares the shit out of me. You've been warned.
8) The Shining - Little girls.
7) The Children - Children go nuts, kill adults. Lots of bloody beats.
6) The Brood - Like above, but Cronenberg insanity to boot.
5) The Ring - Fuck this movie. Even writing the title freaks me out.
4) Children of the Corn - One of my favorite opening scenes in Horror movie history, a great theme with the children singing, and Isaac. Oh, Isaac. I'm pretty sure he was cast Orphan style; as in, he's actually a forty-three year old man.
3) Them (Ils) - This is the big spoiler. Couple are terrorized by assailants all night, bad things occur. At the end, kids come out of the woods and get on the school bus. Just fun and games for them. Boom.
2) The Exorcist - I'm not sure that 'let Jesus fuck you' is good advice at all. I'm not sure we should be taking that kind of guidance from a little girl.
1) The Omen - "It's all for you, Damien."

Short Answer: I feel the need to mention Michael Haneke, he of Funny Games and Benny's Video fame. I suppose they aren't really Horror movies, but man do kids do messed up shit in them. Also, Rosemary's Baby - technically the baby is barely in the movie. But you know who he is, right?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Question: Devil's night. Any traditions?

My friends and I used to make a themed mixed tape (meaning they did, I deserve little to no credit) with quotes from Horror movies and corresponding songs. Then we'd go to a graveyard and listen to said tape until we got kicked out.

I think we did it to try and absorb some of that long sought after Halloween atmosphere that tends to escape you as you grow older. The graveyard thing is pointless, now. With the acceptance of the darker side of things into the main stream, dead bodies don't hold as much mystique as they once did. Likely to find as much Halloween atmosphere at a Walgreen's these days.

If I remember correctly, for a short time, we used to try and do a movie marathon on Devil's Night, but growing up messed with that, too. I'm still able to have my marathon, but first, the horror of scheduling conflicts must be banished to the abyss!

I guess some people like to raise a little non-ironic hell on Devil's night, but I think that's dumb. I mean go ahead and raise your hell if it doesn't affect anyone; just don't be a dick. I'm a big fan of people not being a dick. Of course, I get scared when I hear fireworks go off, so I might not be the best gauge for what's going on in the streets.

This year on Devil's Night, I'll probably play boardgames. Satan!

Short Answer: Blorp! (I just wrote this to see if the spellcheck was working, then realized I had nothing better to add.)

Monday, October 29, 2012

Question: If you are nowhere near sand when shit goes down, where and how do you draw the line?

If you're not drawing a line with blood, piss, semen or poops, you're fucking up. Entrails will also suffice, but by that point, you've already stepped over the line, wouldn't you say?

Even in sand I prefer bodily fluids for line drawing over just sticking my toe in there. A good piss line really makes a statement and it's much harder for someone to just scuff it out.

I like to rub hair into my piss lines, though in the sand that's a little unnecessary. I also find that if you make a chalk line on pavement, and then bleed on it, you might get a nice pink paste that is quite appealing to the eye.

Hard to take a dump in a line, and nobody wants to have to smear it around with their hands; that's gross. If you want to make a shit line, make sure you bring gloves or a shovel or an old cane. Preferably the type that has a sword in it so you can kill some fuckers once they cross the fecal boundary you've so recently established.

Short Answer: Horror movies influence Ask Keith Anything's answers.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Question: #AnnCoulter Willful idiot, puppet, or bad-press mastermind?

I've come around the horn on Coulter. At first, she came across to me as a loud, retarded stillbirth carried to term and then shocked to life with some sort of witchery. She brayed nonsensical, ridiculous philosophy for attention, laughed in the face of logic and facts, and accused everyone and their dogs of being moronic.

She still does all that stuff, but now I find her kind of funny. I think there's a possibility that she's a bit of a super genius. I've been getting the impression that not only does she realize just how controversial she is, she knows it gets her press. I think she's masterminded a whole career out of going further than most right-wingers will dare to go. When you take a step back and look at the political/pundit landscape, it's all a big ridiculous poop. So someone slicing off their very own piece of the shit pie with a little bit of crazy doesn't seem all that abnormal.

Plus, Bill Maher seems to get along with her. If she was really as nuts as she appeared to be, I doubt that would be possible. He's a pretty smart cookie.

I wish she was a puppet, though. Like an actual puppet. That'd be delightful.

Short Answer: Don't get me wrong. I don't think I could be in a room with this woman for a minute. The condescension alone would give me herpes.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Question: What's a better Halloween costume - Nick Nolte or Gary Busey?

This one's so easy I might yarf.

Baggy pants, ugly printed graphic shirt (Hawaiian, perhaps) crazy ass messed up hair and tons of laugh lines = either one.

It would be fun to not say, and then correct people when they guess one or the other.

Despite how simple either costume is to pull off and the merits of dressing as something interpretable, the better costume - if I must choose - is Busey. That cat has been tugging at the thin line of total insanity for some time now, whereas Nick Nolte, despite his hilarious mugshot, just did the movie Warrior where he tossed in a mega performance. I don't think train wreck Busey is capable anymore. Maybe he's still capable of being a coherent whack job on screen, but not an actual character. The days of Point Break are long behind him.

Short Answer: You should go as sexy Garey Busey, with smeared lipstick and your Hawaiian shirt tied up in front so it looks like you have the boobs.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Question: How hot is it?

It's so hot that my balls are sticking to the roof of my mouth.

It's so hot that the girl who always has camel toe has invented something entirely new and different: sweaty camel toe.

It's so hot that my anger boils over at room temperature.

It's so hot that Marilyn Monroe wouldn't let it fuck her.

It's so hot white people are complaining.

It's so hot that my body has created a few new 'pits' other than arm and back of the knee.

It's so hot that the invention of coffee seems like a horrible nightmare.

It's so hot that pants are a luxury.

It's so hot that I'm doing inventory on what cold thing in my house will fit in my bum.

It's so hot that the idea of sex makes me want to punch-vomit.

Short Answer: It's Autumn where I am right now, just so we're clear. Hmmm, maybe this question had nothing to do with temperature. Fucked that up, then.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Question: What music do you like making whoopie to?

Top Forty Songs to Listen to While Having Sex Like You're in the Fifties (apparently)

40) Cherish - Madonna
39) Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
38) The Universal - Blur
37) Too Funky - George Michael
36) Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
35) Sara - Jefferson Starship
34) Say It Isn't So - Hall & Oates
33) Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac
32) Volare - Dean Martin
31) I Touch Myself - The DiVinyls
30) Cemetary Gates - Pantera
29) Dyer Maker - Led Zeppelin
28) Them Bones - Alice in Chains
27) Stephanie Says - The Velvet Underground
26) The Grace - Neverending White Lights
25) Patricia the Stripper - Chris De Burgh
24) Love Bites - Def Leppard
23) Push It - Salt 'n' Pepa
22) Come Together - The Beatles
21) Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson
20) Death and the Maiden (String Quartet #14) - Franz Schubert
19) Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) - Phil Collins (for crying sex)
18) Firewoman - The Cult
17) Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue
16) Everyday - Buddy Holly
15) After All - Peter Cetera (for make up sex)
14) Closer - Nine Inch Nails (for angry sex)
13) Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
12) Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
11) The Scientist - Coldplay
10) Take My Breath Away - Berlin
9) Sea of Love - The Honeydrippers
8) Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
7) One - U2
6) I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders
5) Sharing the Night Together - Dr. Hook
4) Babe - Styx
3) Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
2) Alone - Heart
1) Cream - Prince

Short Answer: Prince is my go to for this kind of stuff, though in all honesty, I don't listen to music while doing the sex very often. Too lazy. Too impotent. Impatient! I meant impatient. That's the reason, not the other thing. Dammit.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Question: Philosophically speaking, are you real?

As real as a purveyor of rap type songs, homes.

I don't go in for all this 'we are what we think or are we' crap. Philosophy is only interesting to me through the template of being a creature that thinks in a flawed manner about its actual surroundings. To me, trying to alter that perspective, our true one, makes things so flawed that it's like swimming in the middle of the ocean. Good luck finding land before you piss yourself and die.

Meditating on the possibility that we aren't here in the form we think we are is a good way to accomplish nothing. Might as well jerk off a dead horse, or form your answers to questions so you can keep using explicit metaphors.

Trying to imagine you're not real is like standing in a batting cage and letting the machine whip lightly frozen camel turds that you connect solidly with so that they spray chunks into your face.

Worrying about this kind of question is like going to the escapades on mushrooms and having your wife tell you she's pregnant halfway through, and then one of the characters in the show is a fetus.

Questioning whether or not you're real is like finding out that your dorm room is the only one in the all girls building, but your door has a permanent notarized sign this says 'Incapable of sustained erection'.

You get the idea.

Getting the idea is like baking a leprechaun into a pie and having him pop out, all black and decrepit, to tell you that if you want his gold it'll cost your soul.

Short Answer: I'm real and I can prove it. One time I sneezed while I was trying to fart and I understood the entirety of the universe, if ever so briefly. Weirdest thing. Howie Mandel isn't real. Yep, just a collective hallucination.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Question: Can you do a Top Nine list instead?

Top Ten Reasons I Can't Do a Top Nine List Instead

10) The smiley face I drew on your mom's bush to make her look like Gene Shalit.
9) That time I fucked all the donuts you brought to work before coffee break.
8) The day after you joked about me pissing in your coffee when I pissed in your coffee.
7) At elevenses I had a go at the remaining donuts.
6) You park your car like a person without inner ears.
5) Your taste in music is the metaphorical equivalent of a pickle dipped in dog snot.
4) You wear nursing shoes but you don't care about people or for them.
3) That time I saw you try to catch a fly with the backs of your hands.
2) You don't giggle when horses poop.
1) I don't take requests from people that I play skullcock with.

Short Answer: Lots of love!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Question: Do you ever get a case of the Mondays?

No.

For almost my entire life (even during the last few years of school) I've managed to avoid the precipice that is Monday morning. It was like an instinct, a reaction to societal norms. When I worked part time jobs, I would never work Mondays. I rarely make plans for Mondays. I think the idea that it signifies negativity in people's lives is a poopy one.

Now if you're asking if sometimes I get sad because I've got a lot of shit to do, or I'm at the beginning of what seems like a never ending task or series of tasks, then yea. I'm a human bean. I get that feeling. I find cocaine helps a great deal.

The problem with a concept like this is that it doesn't help the proceedings. In fact, I believe it hurts. Oh, you're feeling down? Well, suck it up! Everyone is feeling down and it's nothing you have any control over. It's because of what we call this day! Fuck that. How 'bout treating it like any other time you're not doing alright. Acknowledge it, understand that it will go away, and then the coke thing.

Look, we all have bad days. But we don't need to smear shit on them.

Short Answer: Monday is a day like any other. Full of possibilities and wonder. Feel free to dose heavy with porn. Asian riot sex in the morning is a great way to jump-shark over the Mondays.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Question: What would you name your boy band?

Top Ten Names for My Boy Band

10) InDcentC
9) The Altarboys
8) Cashgrab
7) Smells like Tween Spirit
6) Fans We Can't Fuck (or FWCF)
5) Turbo Lepers
4) The Blockstreet Backboys
3) An Amount of CoolSounding Degrees (or AAOCSD)
2) Faceplant
1) I'm The Talented One (or Itto)

Short Answer: Box step, jazz hands, reverse box step, Carey Grant, Carey Grant, Kermit the Frog and pose! (Honorable Mention: Not All Of Us Are Gay. That's right. NAOUAG! I may have just summoned Cthulu.)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Question: What movie should they make into an attraction at Universal Studios?

How about the one where my wife doesn't throw up on our honeymoon?

Alright, so I guess that there are rights issues to what can be made at Universal Studios but I'm not going to bother to look that up. I'll just assume that every movie I pick is appropriate and legal and made by Universal Studios. Agreed?

I didn't hear any complaints, so, just like sex with a sleeping woman, let's get in and out quick on this one.

I'd like to see a Hellraiser ride. I don't know what the ride itself would be, I'd just love to see that theme brought to the masses. Riding through hell with all the squirming dead bodies and cenobites and shit. That'd be a good time.

How about a ride based on Titanic? That'd be fun. They can put you on a bed with your significant other and slowly fill the room with water. Or make you freeze your ass off in the cold while your fat, inconsiderate wife hugs all the floating door.

Edward Scissorhands? I guess any Tim Burton movie would make for a great ride. Beetlejuice ride, anyone? Again, who cares what the ride is. Just fun to look at.

It'd be cool if they had a Green Lantern ride where it was just you and whoever was responsible for ruining that piece of crap and you could berate him or throw provided feces. Possibly human, probably not.

How about a ride based on the works of Andrey Tarkovsky? The first forty-five minutes you'd just sit there being bored, wishing you didn't know anything about philosophy so you could at least get a little enjoyment from the meandering dialogue, then near the end something badass happens that makes you feel like a shit for criticising the ride and when it's all over you come out the other side thinking it was all really pretty.

Okay, I'm done.

Short Answer: Westworld ride anyone? That couldn't possibly go wrong.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Question: When things go bump in the night, what's going on?

For me, it's the people next door having sex. They do it at strange, uncomfortable hours, and based on her porn/anime chick style screeching, they do it in strange, uncomfortable positions. (And quite possibly strange, uncomfortable places, if you know what I'm saying.)

Note: If you have to ask if people know what you're saying, you're probably saying it wrong.

I meant up her butt.

Sometimes when things go bump in the night, it means the ghosts are having sex in strange, uncomfortable places. When you're a ghost, you don't need lube and you have less hang-ups, so experimentation is not only common, it's recommended. Might as well give it to her; you won't have to clean up as much ectoplasm as you think. That shit dries and disappears like somebody hit it with an otherworldly shamwow.

On occasion, a bump in the night means there's a malevolent entity nearby that wants to either make your life hell for its own amusement, or tear your soul up and eat it for sustenance.

So...

Short Answer: It's probably the neigbours. Cross your fingers.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Question: What are the scariest phrases manifested by a bleeding wall?

"I call this color Mafuscia."
"Don't be scared. It happens once a month."
"The asbestos gave me a house ulcer."
"This is the blood of one entire rat infestation."
"That guy touched me weird when he checked the meter."
"Unghhh! Sorry, gotta squeeze this one out."
"I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound. No need to make a house call."
"Boo and junk."
"Smoke on the water! Dun-dun-dun, Dun-dun-Da-nun!"
"I've always hated these drapes."
"Now we can be together."
"I do ice cream on every second Wednesday."
"Built in 1972, this house is one bad mother - shut your house mouth!"
"I know this isn't all that frightening but I figure the cleanup alone should entice you to move."

Short Answer: Quantity over quality? Sometimes!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Question: Why is my landlord such a dick?

I think it might be the same syndrome that some cops have, where you abuse the small amount of power your position gives you because of some sense of powerlessness in the rest of your life. I find most landlords and ladies don't treat their job the way you'd expect. In my mind, they're problem solvers and managers of your living conditions. Sometimes, they act more like step-parents, dodging responsibility because they don't really love you.

One of my least favorite behaviours, one that I've encountered on numerous occasions, is their instinct to shirk all responsibility, for with responsibility comes work. And I get it, nobody wants to do work. But hey, it's your job, so suck it up. A really extreme example of this responsibility dodging comes in the form of accusation. For example, you state a problem. "I have cockroaches." They answer: "You must have brought them in from somewhere else." This is an actual exchange I had with a landlord once. Like I was gonna take responsibility and deal with it/pay for it myself? Is that what he expected? Fuck no. Get the bugs out of my apartment, ass!

When someone has a problem or a complaint, they want it validated. They don't want to be made feel like they're bothering someone or blowing things out of proportion. Sadly, it's not uncommon in our society to have people in positions that they are not well-equipped naturally or trained properly to carry out with effectiveness. People take jobs, suck at them, and make others unhappy. That's why your landlord is such a dick.

Short Answer: Maybe he just needs a little love. Try hot dogs and dance lessons, and try not to think of either of those things as euphemisms for eventual gay sex.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Question: Why don't pants have three legs?

The evolution of pants coincided with the evolution of man junk. I don't know about youse guys, but I'm not ashamed to say that my bundle fits just fine in regular old two-leggers.

Wait. Is this question from another planet? Do you, alien inquirer, have three legged pants on your planet? And if so, is the third leg used, as I automatically assumed, to hold your dickbag? And what of the women? Do they have extremely large, droopy girlbits that necessitate a pant sleeve between the legs?

You can get back to me on that. Shit, for all I know, you're from a planet wear pants are a species and you mean they have actual legs. And probably feet.

Imagine that. Pants with little denim feet. Huh.

Short Answer: No sleep for Keith!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Question: My reflection has begun moving independent of my actions, any advice?

Look, man. Everyone loves LSD, it's just not appropriate to do it all the time. I know, I know, it's a kick to watch your hand hand it up, or look at your face do all kinds of clay-crazy shifting in the mirror, but you've got to get ahold of yourself. Try the other side; get high on life and shit.

You ever had anyone say that to you? I have. It's the worst. Don't get me wrong, I haven't done any drugs since I was a teenager. (Does sniffing glue count? No? Good. That's what I thought.) But in my youth I was at a party and a girl told me she didn't need drugs 'cause she was high on life. I thought it was some sort of trick to play on stoned people, on account of how confused as shit I was. It's fine if you are 'high on life' it just doesn't make any sense to use that as a badge when around people who are 'high on getting fucked up'. It's like saying you agree to disagree at a heated debate. It makes no sense. Smells more like backtracking or posturing than actual philosophy.

I'd like to say that I couldn't really judge that girl who said she was high on life. But I can't say that. Because she was in charge of ordering the pizza that night, and due to the fact that she didn't know what people wanted, she just ordered a bunch of cheese pizzas. Maybe when you're high on life, that's sufficient, but when you're high on virtually anything else, you want some toppings, bitch.

Oh, yea. If you don't do drugs, that whole mirror thing means you're being haunted. Probably by the Devil. (The capital D makes it scarier.)

Short Answer: Have fun making potty!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Questions: What happens when you're not in the mood to write a blog post?

Many things can occur. First, I pee with less aim. Then, I mix cereals and over sog them with milk. Next, I look at boobs on the internet until my philosophy on reproduction shifts. Sometimes I'll sit real close to the monitor until my eyes hurt, then play again to see if I can beat my time. Finally, before getting down to work, I tell myself a bunch of horrible stuff that I don't have to deal with. Nothing motivates a white man to do his stupid, humour blog like out of hand, purposeless genocide.

Then I suck it up and get to the funny.

Short Answer: Humour's difficult. Mood plays a role but it doesn't have to stomp on any funny guts.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Question: Which one of your Facebook friends do you hate the most?

NotaFanofAskKeithAnything is probably my least favorite, and least ironic or inventive Facebook friend. I mean, I get it. You don't like my blog. But to know that I'm such a sucker for support that you could call yourself that and I'd still accept your friend request, I mean, that's just cruel, man.

Also, I think it might be my Mom.

Short Answer: I'm sorry for lying. I know it's my Mom.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Question: What's the shortest answer you could give?

I suppose...

Go fuck yourself?

Short Answer: That's pretty fuckin' short. Wait, wait. Go fuck yourself, leprechaun. That's even shorter. Oh, what? I fucked it up? Yep, you're right.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Question: Do you have a catchphrase?

I'm not a cartoon or a loveable doofus in an oldey style sitcom, so no, I do not have a catchphrase.

If I had one, it would probably be one of the many swear words I use on a daily basis.
Fuck, shit, poop, cock, tits...you know, that sort of stuff. I often combine the swear words (like fucktits) but I try to be original, so I don't think I do one enough to be called a catchphrase.

I guess the closest I come is when someone says something to me that's a logical conclusion to something, or I think it doesn't need to be said, or I'm just bored, I say, "apparently".

Example: Some Jerk: So, I guess I am going to boot camp. Me: Apparently.

Short Answer: Poopcock.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Question: What did Jack and Jill really do at the top of that hill?

I'm glad someone finally asked. 'Cause no one's gone up a hill to 'fetch a pail of water' since never.

Top Ten Euphemisms for What Jack and Jill Were Really Up To

10) They got 9 and 60 blackbirds baked in a pie.
9) Checked to see how much wool her bah-bah black sheep had.
8) Climbed the beanstalk until a giant appeared.
7) Someone laid a golden egg, and someone else fertilized it.
6) A little humpty...maybe a little dumpty.
5) Little Jack Horner ate his Christmas pie.
4) Little red riding whore.
3) London bridge reverse cowgirl.
2) Tuffet, then muffet, then back to tuffet.
1) 'Fiddlers Three', 'Run Away With the Spoon', and 'Twinkle the Little Star' in rapid succession.


Short Answer: Seriously. Who puts a well on a hill? That doesn't make any sense. Doesn't that put the water even further away? They were definitely touching each other.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Question: High chairs or low-information voters?

Sex: high chairs
Elections that matter: high chairs
Someone to help me carry my groceries: low-information voters
Someone to help look after my kid: high chairs
Financial advise: high chairs
Trustworthiness: high chairs
Low-information voter debates: high chairs (and bibs)
Supreme court: high chairs
Kings of old: high chairs
Dumbasses of now: low-information voters
Immune to lying: tie

Short Answer: I'm sure most of these people would rather dangle their feet than take a second to learn something. Then again, so would I.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Question: You see a pretty girl...what do you do with her (sex-style)?

Top Ten Things I Like To Do With the Ladies

10) Make their make-up run with my ball sweat.
9) Play smashpuss till their stuff swells up like they've had an allergic reaction to my wang.
8) Gravy boat rides.
7) Bj, pizza, sex, soccer on tv, pizza.
6) Striptease while I poop.
5) Sellecking (they have to wear a fake mustache and look me in the eyes during missionary.)
4) Doggystyle, one leg up, pointing, other hand behind head, heavy sobbing.
3) Smack the pickle, forehead edition.
2) Draw a frowny face on the bum and turn that frown upside down.
1) Long ball in the back door.

Short Answer: Grody.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Question: What advice do you have for Val Kilmer?

How about, stay the course, keep up the good work, continue kicking ass.

I don't know why anyone has a problem with Val Kilmer. He's fucking awesome. There are rumours that he's difficult on set, but I don't give a shit about that. I think celebrity is tricky, and when you are used to people behaving strangely around you, it can effect how you behave because it changes your expectations of normal behaviour. So I cut crazy stars some slack on that front. If someone keeps asking you exactly what you want, eventually, you're going to cave and tell them. Then, after awhile, you get accustomed to that bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones removed and one day you walk into your trailer after a long shoot and see a brown M&M and you're like, "What the fuck?" Makes sense to me. All of us have habits that are so ingrained that we feel very uncomfortable when things go awry. For them, the habits are a little more heightened and their job is to bring heightened emotional states on command. You can see the recipe for a bitch fest or two.

A great example was the Christian Bale yelling at the guy on set. I don't blame him a single bit. I've done a little acting, and sometimes it's very difficult to find the character. If someone does something that distracts you, it can suck, especially if you get the feeling that they are either unaware of - or don't care - how hard what you're doing is. Besides, most of these people are real human beings. We gave Christian Bale a ton of shit, but he went and apologized to that guy, and then apologized publicly in a sincere way, setting an example for people. Humans are total dicks to each other every day without any responsibility shown. So I think we should all get off our high horses and soapboxes and chill the eff out.

Speaking of soapboxes...geez, what's with Ask Keith Anything today? Got an opinion do you?

I like Val Kilmer a lot.

Short Answer: Willow, Macgruber, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Tombstone, Real Genius, Top Secret, Spartan, Wonderland, The Salton Sea, Heat, The Doors and Top Gun. Fucking boom!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Question: Is 'no woman no cry' about a lonely caveman trying to stay happy?

No.

It's about a guy asking a question on a humour blog trying to make the question funny instead of letting the answer be funny.

(I don't really mind. If you want to supply the humour to my fans, it makes my job easier.)

A story about a lonely caveman would be called 'A Gork in the Hand is better than a Gork in the bush.'

How is 'a gork in the bush' not a euphemism for sex?

Short Answer: "Gork no sexy time with fancy lady. Gork do sex to pigeon. This last time. Gork promise. Coo, coo."

Friday, October 5, 2012

Question: What are your thoughts on the current inner-city phenomenon of "Hobo-Ticklin"?

Hey, I'm as behind the idea of a dirty faced giggler as much as the next guy. I just wish these hobo-ticklin' punks wouldn't solely use the tips of their penises. It would also be nice if they'd wake the hobos up, first. Seems like some sort of a human rights violation, like the dentist having a look at your butthole when you're unconscious.

How is a dirty-faced giggler not a euphemism for a sexual act, you ask? I don't know! Besides when have I ever answered a question?

Short Answer: Oh yeah. Right.