Saturday, December 31, 2011

Question: Seriously?

No. Never. Never ever. Only when someone close to us dies and we're already out of 'too soon' jokes is there sometimes, very rarely, a little tiny window, where everyone collectively whistles an in taken breath, preparing to once again, with the following exhale, loose levity on the whole of the world in all its harshest, most sarcastic, most joyous, most righteous, most well-meaning glory.

Short Answer: Seri-ocity is for the shitheels and the ne'er do wells, the gleamers and the razzers, the losers and the bluesers, the affected and the ineffectual, the reachers and the holding on too tightliers. Shit's gotta be funny. It's just gotta.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Question: ‎Which 2011 resolutions did you...resolute, which didn't you?

I'm not one for making resolutions because in our society they are akin to a weak suggestion. It is normal for people to break them. It's almost an excuse, in fact, to get around giving your word about something by calling it a 'resolution'. So instead, I just say I'm going to fail at everything, and end up pleasantly surprised without feeling like a douche who went back on his word. I overachieved in 2011.

Here's what I managed this year.

Didn't kill a child.
Didn't swear at an old lady.
Avoided gonorrhea (three years running)
Didn't feel any one's wang while sitting inappropriately in their lap
Didn't tell a member of my family to go fuck themselves
Didn't kick a single human
Was a graceful loser, while secretly justifying the loss by deciding competition is dumb
Didn't vomit
Ate more fibre
Played less video games
Wrote some fuckin' books

Short Answer: This year, I'll probably stink it up pretty bad. Here's to not hoping, and a pleasantly surprised 2012!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Question: Why are turnips food?

If you ask me they aren't. Wait, of course you're asking me. Well, now that I've gathered myself sufficiently, I'd like to confirm that turnips suck and are shitty. They're just a soft, kinda off color, weird potato. They also seem to go into things, like stews full of root vegetables, where they are unnecessary. When I have meat and carrots and potatoes on my fork, I'm good. I don't need your soft ass.

If you really need something white that adds flavor to your business, use a parsnip, tool.

Short Answer: I like to switch out the classic potato and carrot combo for sweet potato and parsnip. (This seemed somehow insufficient as an answer, so I'll relay a story. One time a friend of mine came over and I cooked him supper. He said, "It's like god laid a cream pie in my mouth." I miss him around the holidays. That last part was genuine. I suppose the whole thing is 'genuine' as in true, I just mean there wasn't any sarcasm...you know what?  You're getting turnips for supper!)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Question: Why should electricity be told what to do?

'Cause if you don't train him he might do his business indoors and then you'll have static on the carpet.

Short Answer: You people are friggin' crazy.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Question: Lemon?

The citrus fruit? Yes.

The state of my automobile? No.

The song by U2? Yes.

In my Hendricks Gin? A little.

In my cola? Definitely.

In my eye? Only during sex.

In my tea? If I'm sick.

In your face? All day, baby.

Short Answer: Scurvy? Damn right.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Question: What REALLY happened on the journey of the three Magi?

Three magi walk into a barn.

Magi the First: Wow, what the fuck is going on here?

Magi the Second: Holy shit, is that lady having a kid?

Magi the Third: Looks like a damn balloon's comin' out of her. Is that what it always looks like?

Magi the First: See, Carl, this is what happens when you follow a fucking star around. You end up dealing with some crazy homeless hippies crappin' out kids in a friggin' manger.

Magi the Second: Oh, shut it. You're the one who wanted to go out to get tree sap.

Magi the Third: I did too!

Magi the Second. Go to hell, Stephen. Come out of the closet already.

Magi the Third: You're the one carrying gold around like it's some sort of status thing.

Magi the Second: I thought we might go to the market, okay?

Magi the First: Why is it around your neck, then, huh? You're not good at rapping, you know.

Magi the Second: Hurtful words, jerkface.

Magi the First: You know what, fuck this, I'm going home. I just got the new Night Court box set for Christmas.

Short Answer: This took twenty nine hours of research, but I think I nailed it. To a cross! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Question: Where does Iron Man pee?

On your mom's arched back.

He's not in the suit all the time. He probably pees in a toilet. I must have missed that issue where they go into detail about the Stark tech needed to recycle his urine so he can always be hydrated. I bet that was a good one, where the villain was...dun dun dun...logistics!

Short Answer: Wherever he wants!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Question: What terrible circumstance drove someone to dream up the unicycle?

I'd like to think it was an old black and white cartoon, with the fat guy and the skinny guy, where they stop their bicycle built for two somewhere they shouldn't, like on the train tracks, and then the trains goes by and they're both left with just unicycles. Then some marketing wiz was like, "Looka that, see. We can make thousands of dollars, see? We'll call it the single cycle, see!" Then that guy was fired and the ad wizards of the company came up with unicycle.

That or the commies invented it.

Short Answer: It might have been invented by the Clowning Guild because they didn't have any actual skills. And no, balloon animals isn't a skill, it's an entertainment abortion. Here, kid, do nothing with this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Question: Figgy pudding or Christmas cake?

I only vaguely know what these things are, and the answer here is simple. There are so many wonderful things to stuff down your gullet during the holidays that if you have to resort to any sort of fruit cake you are really fucking up.

I guess if I'm forced to choose it would be figgy pudding, just based on the fact that it isn't a heavily iced cake with dried fruit. There are a few nuances, and hopefully, some moisture. Also, figgy pudding is in a Christmas carol, whereas Christmas cake, hopefully, is in the garbage.

Short Answer: Christmas for me is about savory foods. Like gravy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Question: How can I tell, before she is born, if my unborn daughter is the anti-christ?

Easy. The anti-christ is a dude, so your daughter can't be him. We may have equal opportunity and equality up here, but Hell's a little backward.

Short Answer: Is your wife still alive? Probably not the anti-christ, then. Anti-christs have a tendency to chew their way out through the lower back.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Question: A racist, an agnostic and a pelican walk into a bar... then what?

A racist, an agnostic and a pelican walk into a bar. The racist turns to the pelican and says, "Hey? Aren't you the pelican from The Flintstones TV show?" The pelican abashedly nods his head in the affirmative

The three sit at the bar, side by side by side.

The barkeep approaches.  "What'll you have?"

The racist says, "I'll have anything, as long as it has no mixed colors."

The agnostic says, "I don't know what I want."

The pelican says, "I don't care what you give me, as long as it isn't human feces."

Short Answer: Boooom Yaahg!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Question: What is the minimum amount of time before it is okay to interrupt a stupid story? How should I do it?

Fucking immediately. Like between, 'Do you want to' and 'hear a story?' Instincts are never wrong. Do you really ever make a snap judgement and then later think back and go, "I guess I was wrong?" Fuck no. Tell everyone to shut up all the time. They're idiots.

The method is up to you, but I like naying, braying and punching, 'cause they all rhyme.  Naying, as in yelling something in the negative. Nope, nine, no sir, anything like that as long as it's loud and abrupt. Braying is a good choice. Ee-yah! Ee-yah! That'll shut 'em up. And punching. Making a fist (thumb on the outside, ladies) and jamming it into some talky-talks jugular bone and watching his eyes bulge like a cartoon wolf who's just seen a sexy cartoon lady wolf is very rewarding and effective.

Short Answer: The funny thing is, most people don't even know what's worthy of being called a story. There are less stupid stories than there are stupid people whiffing on stories. I tend to go with a strict policy of ignoring the shit out of anyone who opens their mouth, pretty much.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Question: Did you see the new Miley Cyrus sex tape?

Even though this was a question posted to me on twitter by someone undoubtedly trying to take over my computer, steal my identity and give me some sort of de-penising virus, I'm gonna answer it anyway.

No, I haven't seen it. She's a kid for Christ's sake. And even if she isn't a kid anymore, she's a kid for Christ's sake. A stupid, loud mouthed, maladjusted child, who probably shouldn't be allowed out without a chastity belt, let alone be in control of hormones, testicles and a camera.

I see enough of celebrities in my 'peripheral' vision, I don't need to be watching them read, pee or doin' it.  I don't get a kick out of watching someone in their private time; think about what you do in your private time.

Exactly.

Short Answer: I would, however, despite all I've said, watch the Billy Ray Cyrus sex tape.  You know the one where he surprisingly plays top with a surly Trace Adkins.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Question: If you could describe your last dump with the title of a movie, what movie would that be?

Here comes a Top Twenty!

Top Twenty Movie Titles for My Dumps

20) Hamburger Hill
19) Run Silent Run Deep
18) The Prestige
17) Hugo Pool
16) Throw Momma From the Train
15) Backfield in Motion
14) The Big Red One
13) Children of a Lesser God
12) The Hitcher
11) Black Swan
10) Meatballs
9) Bringing Up Baby
8) Bad News Bears
7) Blood and Chocolate
6) Heat
5) The Hurricane
4) Brown Bunny
3) Dragonslayer
2) The Green Mile
1) Romancing the Stone

Short Answer: I'm not sure what it says about me as a person, but I could probably do this all day.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Question: Ok, so an earth-like planet was recently discovered about 600 light-years away from here. That got me thinking - what if it was only 4 or 5 light years away? Would we, as a civilization muster the will to develop the technology to travel there? What if there was evidence of a civilization that close by? What do you think Keith?

Exciting day. I think we have a new longest question of all time. This question took me five light years to read. What? Light years isn't a measure of time? What about space time? Oh yeaa...no, not that either? Okay.

Would we muster the will? At this point, it seems more about the dollars, because even if we did muster the will, we'd have to get the space program up and running again and it would still take us a long time to put together a five to ten year voyage. Look at Gilligan; that was supposed to be a three hour tour. Things should be measured in Gilligans. How long is the hockey game usually? Oh, about a Gilligan, unless there's overtime. A Gilligan and one or two Mary Anns.

If there was a civilization on said planet I have to believe we'd be on it like accolades on Jerry Rice. That's a different matter. That's changing the course of human existence for sure, whereas a manned flight to an empty planet could be a bust. It might seem habitable from here, but there could be a ton of weird monsters that need to breathe blood to live.

Short Answer: We'd be like canisters of oxygen to those fucks. They'd strap us on their backs to go diving.



Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Question: Underrated Christmas ornaments?

I'll assume because you used the word ornament that you don't mean decorations and are specifically referring to the tree.

The answer is beads, strings of them, or strings of popcorn are also acceptable. They give a fancy oldie time feel. You wrap the string of beads around the tree like garland. If you use garland as well, you can offset the color of the beads to make a theme. Blue beads, white garland, or whatever colors you like.

Also, in terms of ornamentation, you could go with raw meat. I like to pair my raw meat with soft poached eggs.

Toilet paper and Halloween masks? You bet.

If you did mean general decorations, I think the most underrated decoration is presents. I find an aggressive stance of acceptance in terms of consumerism really adds a lot to holiday enjoyment. I like to have so many presents lying around that I have to kill puppies to get to my raw meat tree.

Short Answer: Underrated ornament? Bobble head.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Question: Why are dragons represented as either evil or wise? How come there's no middle ground?

What, you looking for a dragon with a bad case of malaise? An Eeyore with wings? An apathetic fire breather?

How about a teen angst dragon with dyed-black hair over one eye?

Maybe a game show host dragon with one of those thin microphones?

Holy shit, we're through the looking glass here people. I think I just lost my dragon mind.

Short Answer: (Sings a song in gibberish, alone in his house, naked, sweaty.)

Monday, December 12, 2011

Question: Why do we put a star on top of our Christmas Tree?

You remember the three wise men? Or shepherds who got lost? What were their names? Gold, Frank and Mir or something. Yea, it's cause of the star they followed to find some poor people having a kid in some hay surrounded by filthy animals.

Did you get that I was talking about Jesus? Congratulatorio! (That was my attempt at making a Dora the Explorer joke, but I don't speak Mexican.)

I have a few other theories. At the top of trees there is sky, and stars are in the sky.
...
Well, I had one other theory.

I put Iron Man on top of my tree.

Short Answer: Some people do angels. Not do do angels. Not doo-doo angels. Arghh! (If this post were a poem and it needed a title, I would call it Doo-Doo Angels.)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Question: The holidays are quickly approaching. What do you think of people dropping Christmas for political correctness?

I think it sucks a black midget's balls, that's what I think. Political correctness, in general, can wipe its ass with poison oak. Every black person, little person, Mexican person, handicapped person etc. that I know who has any worth as a human being thinks political correctness is fucking stupid. It may be the exact opposite of a sense of humour. And without a sense of humour you're just a bag of stupidity waiting to be judged, besides the fact you will only ever get laid by other people of your ilk, and let me tell you, the pc crowd ain't the best in the sack.

We took Christ out of Christmas a long time ago, when we turned the holiday into consumer Hell.  Christ didn't ride a fucking reindeer and whip presents at anyone like a deranged, sandaled paperboy.  Christmas is the name of the holiday. You don't change the name of something because it offends some dillholes. You leave it the fuck alone so all of us worthy humans with some humour can enjoy the traditions and nostalgia the title embodies.

I love Christmas. I love the word and everything about it. I love the spirit of it all. If you don't want to call it Christmas then don't.  Call it Super Happy Unreligious Day or Cockfest, whatever. You don't have to ruin it for the rest of us by being offended. Grow a pair. You don't like things being taken away from you, do you? And what kind of person gets satisfaction from forcing their beliefs on people?

Oh yea. Hitler.

Short Answer: Hitler.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Question: If looks could kill they probably will. Games without frontiers or war without tears?

Holy crap a Peter Gabriel question!

I'm gonna go with games without frontiers 'cause it's more plausible, but in stop motion like the Sledgehammer video.

Short Answer: Phil Collins is not Genesis.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Question: What happens when your car won't start?

You ask yourself a question on your blog and then you answer with swearing.

Short Answer: Fuckshitballsasstitscockdicksmoreshits.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Question: My husband loves strippers. Is there a way I can put a stop to his shenanigans?

Here's the flowchart.

Do strippers make him happy? If yes, leave him alone.
Does he fuck the strippers? If no, leave him alone.
Does he spend all your families money on strippers? If no, leave him alone.
Does he refuse to make love to you because you don't look like a stripper? If yes, lose a few pounds, fatty.
Does he call you Mindy, or Cindy, or Candy while he's fucking you? If yes, that might not be your name.
Are the strippers dudes? If yes, he might be gay.
Is watching a girl take her clothes off and rub up against stuff really all that bad? If yes, this is your problem, not his.
Do you really think he doesn't love you just because he enjoys seeing other naked ladies? If yes, then there's probably something else wrong with your relationship. Most likely lack of communication.  For example...Why do you go see strippers? 'Cause it's fun. Does that mean you don't love me? No. Oh, good.

Short Answer: You don't go out for steak if you have a cow at home, but you might want purple drink instead of milk, once in awhile.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Question: Does meow mix really deliver?

No. Most over the counter pet food is full of awful crap. I don't mean to get preachy, here (affixes white collar), but you need to do a shit load of research to figure out how to properly feed your cat or dog or whatever. Think about how bad the government is about regulating the food that we eat, then multiply that by a factor of they don't give a shit about pets.

Short Answer: At this point, I wouldn't even be surprised if soylent green was made from people.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Question: What is the best way to recall a lost traumatic experience?

Have it happen again.

Like, find an uncle and lay naked on his bed. Or attack a shark.

Short Answer: Just start choking on anything. You've probably almost choked once.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Question: Are pickles important? Why?

Anything that's shaped liked a penis is important for comedy fodder.

Here's an example. "That guy looks salty, like he just got off a boat." "Yea, and I'll bet he's got a briny dick-pickle."

Also, pren-gant women seem to like pickles a lot, or at least that's the myth. I'm skeptical, to tell the truth; I think they're probably craving a penis. They've already established they like the hobby horse 'cause they got themselves im pren-gated. I'd go so far as to say one can assume any pregnant woman is a total whore.

I whore digress. Pickles are important to sandwiches and hamburgers, and sandwiches and hamburgers are a big deal. I rest my dick-pickle.

Short Answer: Cucumbers are evil.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Question: Where do flowers go in the summer?

I think I've finally been stumped. Or a blind person learned how to type. Is this a translation issue? They 'go' in the garden. They don't pee and they don't leave, so that's pretty much all I've got. Was this a typo and you meant to ask where they go in the winter?

That's easier. Hell.

Short Answer: When I do the abstraction it works out, but when the abstraction comes flying at me like a bag of rabbit droppings, things get a little scattered around here.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Question: What's with all the different kinds of apples?

Nature attempts to confuse us in many ways. Birds seem cool, but then they shit on you. Little dogs are adorable, then they open their little dog mouths and yappery emerges. Horses are resentful. It goes on and on. You think trees don't pay attention? They do.

Many apples is simply nature's way of making your trip to the market a hayride through hell. They give you the Granny Smith as a central, guiding force, but then you're all like, "But it's the only green one!"

What does it all mean? Only whales know.

Short Answer: Just go with the Fuji, man. Trust me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Question: What flavor is Mountain Dew?

Well, obviously, it's unicorn piss.  But I assume you're suggesting there's more to it, so I'll oblige.  As you know, unicorn piss is rarely carbonated, so there's also a trace of pig afterbirth.

Short Answer: Pork Soda!