Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Question: My wife is experiencing Breckin Meyer contractions... any advice?

I had the idea of answering this question with a shitload of puns from other actors that have been in movies with Breckin Meyer, but then I realized, that he hasn't ever been in anything good (except Can't Hardly Wait) and I couldn't make a decent pun with Peter Facinelli though I did Jennifer Love Hewitt the approach and was Seth Green with envy that I...you get the idea.

So instead, I'll just answer the question. You should punch pregnant women in their bellies. Overpopulation is a problem and if I've said it before I've said it a thousand times, punching women in the stomach is funny and nobody does it. When someone gets punched in the stomach, everybody laughs. Abortion clinics are one of the funniest places on earth. Combine the two? Comedy dynamite.

I really wanted to end this answer with an amazing name/medical term joke, but the best I could come up with was a Cesar Romero section, and I don't think he was in any movies with Breckin Meyer. But he was the Joker, so...

Short Answer: I'm really glad I Stacy Dash-ed away from this pun answer. It would have been Paul Rudd of me to start it and bail out. Also, Breckin Meyer contractions aren't a pun, so I'd have to research a bunch of medical conditions and find names that sort of sounded like them and match them with actors. Yarf.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Question: My friend contends that he can headbutt his way through concrete. How can I make sure he tries it?

Your 'friend' is obviously a fucking idiot, so I assume a carrot stapled to the other side of the wall would do it. Or just tell him there's self-tanning lotion on the other side. Or a sale on body glitter. Or a bunch of shirts with pre-popped collars. Or young girls with questionable hygiene around their lady parts due to promiscuous unprotected sex. Wait, maybe I can headbutt through walls...

Short Answer: Is headbutt through walls a metaphor here? Did I just get trapped in a sex with virgins type scenario?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Question: What position would a pregnant woman play in your ideal football line-up? Why?

I guess the obvious choice here is offensive lineman, because the lady's so fat. But I don't know how good her footwork will be with all that baby dump in her gullet. 

Fullback is funny. Let her run the ball in short yardage situations, 'cause if she gets hit just right, she plunges over the first down line, but the baby plunges out the other end. That's funny.

I suppose she could be QB, but only if she has the baby at the line of scrimmage, drops back, and throws a newborn rocket for an 18-yard pick up.

I've got it. She can play cornerback, and when she lines up against the star receiver, instead of hand fighting at the line, she just nags and complains the guy into not bothering with his route.

"I'll do it later," whined Braylon Edwards.

Short Answer: If you've ever met a pregnant woman, they can pretty much play wherever they want. Are you going to try and stop them? Do you have a chocolate covered pickle?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Question: What do you miss?

Wow. That's a big question.

How big? Ten big.

Top Ten Things I Miss

10) Crush Birch Beer
9) The trepidation of a junior high dance
8) Doing things before I was supposed to do them in life
7) Humpty Dumpty Cheese Sticks
6) The invincibility of youth
5) Proper fish and chips
4) Hearing that some girl thinks I'm cute
3) Bravery, bravado and blind courage
2) Smoking
1) Being a big fish in a small pond

(Brilliant that it's all abstract concepts and food items.)


Top Ten Things I Miss (Funnier Version)

10) Jessie and the Rippers
9) George W. Bush
8) Vaccination
7) Hearing that some boy thinks I'm cute
6) Prison
5) The forties
4) Dragons
3) Original Screenplays
2) Being a stripper
1) Alf

Short Answer: I miss that thing when you're a kid, and you do something retarded and everyone thinks it's adorable. Oh, and Hitler.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Question: What do you look for in a cookie?

Soft. Soft, soft, soft. Basically the opposite of what one looks for in a penis. Not hard, not long and no fleshy taste.

I like chocolate chips, dammit. I like 'em small and well spread out, but commonplace, like you're walking through cookie park and you get to have a wonderful, peaceful journey, but at the same time, get to say hi to other park goers at regular intervals to keep your spirits up. (I'm sorry about this metaphor, I ate a cookie off the ground in a park once, leave me alone.)

I don't want nuts (again with the penis thing). Nuts can suck it (and again...)

That's about it. I like it traditional and I don't like it crumbly, and I want some chocolate chips, bitch, and not the dark kind. Fuck that. What am I, an aristocrat?

Exceptions: Cranberries. Awesome 'cause they're tart, in contrast to the cookie's sweetness. White chocolate chips. Alone, no good, but paired with a fruit or another chocolate chip, yummo. Macadamia nuts. I don't know why, but it's the only acceptable cookie nut. Snowballs. What I mean here is those things that are all fudgy and covered in coconut and they're little balls. I don't know if that's a cookie, but hells yeah.

Short Answer: Stop putting bacon in everything, assholes. Ha, ha, bacon tastes good in everything! Durf! Not true. Salt tastes good in everything. Salty plus sweet tastes good. Bacon is carved off of a fuckin' pig and is almost pure fat. Would you want big chunks of lard in your cookie? No. Would you want steak in your cookie? No. Everybody loves bacon. You're not special.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Question: Sometimes I think my hamster is mad at me. What can I do?

First, lay the little bugger down on his belly, feet splayed out. Take two fingers and rub along the 'thigh' muscles, gently but firmly. Hamsters carry a lot of their tension in their thighs.

Another thing you can do is get the cute little fellow someone to fuck real hard.

Pay attention to what you're feeding the hamster. Hamsters don't like to eat dirt, or bits of concrete, or shards of glass.

Though they seem to be constantly asking for books on tape, they only really enjoy the ones read by Walter Cronkite, Leondard Nimoy and Angie Dickenson.

Pleading with an angry hamster can foster some fantastic results. Hamsters love to be respected and reminded that they are the true kings of the castle, not the hairless giant who talks stupidly at them.

Vodka in the water shower.

You know that spinny wheel thing? Make sure it's one with a solid base. Some of them are made like ladders that had their ends taped together. They are very hard on hamster paws, and many a hamster ankle as been shattered on these hellish devices.

Try changing its name. Hamsters don't like to be called Bubbles, Bickies, Muffin, Puffy, Mindy, Candy, Eloise or Mark.  Try something bold like The Sarengeti.

Hamsters always bet on black like Wesley Snipes. So if you're doing anything to mess that up...

Short Answer: These rules do not apply to teddy bear hamsters. They do like to eat glass.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Question: How many licks?

See, the problem with the how many licks thing is it doesn't account for the time you spend with the whole thing in your mouth. Then you need some sort of equation or algorithm to quantify how much saliva one produces and the corrosive effect it may or may not have. Also, buttcheeks.

Short Answer: I stand by my response. You know which part. (Ahem, it's the part about the buttcheeks.)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Question: Who are your top five female superheroes?

First off, let's be clear this list will be superheroines, not supervill...oines. Also, as much as I'll try to include a couple of characters that are genuinely well written, well rounded ladies, I'll instead make most of my picks because of boobs.

(As I was compiling my list, I realized I had a pretty 50/50 DC/Marvel split going on, with very few characters from anywhere else, so I've decided to do a top five DC and a top five Marvel.)

Top Five Marvel Superheroines

5) Black Widow Natasha Romanoff first appeared in Tales of Suspense #52 in 1964, created by this guy you've never heard of, Stan Lee. She was originally a Soviet spy, playing bad guy to Iron Man (the superhero who'd be at the top of my top five superheroes list), but eventually defected to become a part of the Avengers. To me, being a Russian super soldier, she's always kind of been like a female Captain America, but strong, sexy and dominant. Wait, Captain America is all those things as well; especially sexy. She did some solid comic book work with another of my favorites, Daredevil, and in modern comics plays a big roll in a lot of SHIELD stuff, which is a cool espionage-y contrast to the superhero doings of the Marvel universe.

4) Shadow Cat When it comes to strong, well constructed female characters, look no further than the X-Men. Though Shady didn't appear until 1980 in Uncanny X-Men #129, she has left an indelible mark on many comic book readers. For me, I read one of her earliest crossovers (with Spider-Man) when I was a kid, and always thought fondly of the character, then called only Kitty Pryde. Later, when Joss Whedon created his excellent Astonishing X-Men series, my passion for her was ignited.

3) Spider-Woman Perhaps one of the more misunderstood characters by non-comic book readers,  let me be not the first to tell you, Spider-Woman has nothing to do with Spider-Man. Well, that's a little steep, there have been quiet a few spider people of the feminine ilk, but I'm talking about the original, Jessica Drew, who first appeared in Marvel Spotlight #32 in 1977. The reason I love Spider-Woman is thanks to Brian Michael Bendis, who brought her back for his New Avengers. Jessica is the almost typical strong female, but with her penchant for altered alliances and secret motivations, there always seems to be something boiling under the surface. Also, hot.

2) Rogue Avengers Annual #10, 1981 is when Rogue debuted, and may be the best thing Chris Claremont did for the Marvel Universe, or at least the X-Men. Another female character who started out as a villain (Trend?), Rogue absorbed Ms. Marvel's powers and became an X-Man. Big boobs plus southern accent = very excited little boy, and that excitement has never waned. I've always liked Rogue, for no reason other than that I like Rogue. Plus, she's kinda the X-Men's Superman, and anybodies Superman is better than actual Superman.

1) Emma Frost It took me awhile to come around on Emma, but I think of her now as the most complex and well developed character in the Marvel universe, though sadly I think a lot of people like her because of her bosom baring costume. She debuted in Uncanny X-Men #129 in 1980, and for the most part, has been a villain, associated with the Hellfire Club and known as the White Queen. But I feel comfortable including her for her foray into goodiness now seems complete. She's smart, dry and bold, and stands up for what she believes in. And knockers. And telepathy and diamond hard skin. And knockers.

Top Five DC Superheroines

5) Zatanna Hot, hot, hot. For the most part, fishnet stockings is why Zatanna is on this list. She debuted in Hawkman #4 in 1964, and has been backwards talking her way into our hearts ever since. But pure hotness doesn't get you on this list. I remember her playing a rather crucial role in a certain Crisis like event, where somebodies wife got attacked and then Batman was there...I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's awesome! Mindwipe!

4) Saturn Girl Adventure Comics #247 in 1958. More nostalgia, for me, because the Legion of Superheroes was the first comic I ever read, and Saturn Girl was the best character from the word go. Another telepath, her resume is extensive after being around for so many years, but she's always been the moral center of the Legion. Also, I dig her silly Saturn emblemed costume.

3) Mera She doesn't deserve to be on the list, not really. She's here because she's Aquaman's super hot mer-wife. Originally introduced in Aquaman #11 in 1963, she has gone on to bigger and badder things then being a stay at sea wife, but honestly, I don't care. She's a buxom redhead who validates Aquaman's awesomeness and his ability to catch a hot lady rather than fish.

2) Liberty Belle Again, the nostalgia factor. All-Star Squadron was one of the first series I ever read a full arc of, and Liberty Belle' s costume alone grabbed my attention forever. Boy Commandos #1 in 1943 was apparently her first appearance, though All-Star Squadron was where the character began for me. Hard to explain or even justify this one; I just always think of her fondly. She was a leader and she beat some ass, which helps.

1) Wonder Woman This may be a surprise to some, but  I love Wonder Woman. I love her nonsensical powers and her stupid costume and her stupider backstory. Appearing for the first time in All Star Comics #8 in 1941, Wonder Woman as been breastplating us into submission since that day. For me, Wonder Woman is part of my childhood, but she isn't a pure nostalgia choice. I have a theory, you see, that both Superman and Wonder Woman shine when they are  in the Big Three (the other member being Batman of course, who needs no help to shine). Something about those three together allows the differences in their personalities to become more evident. Standing next to Superman and Batman, Wonder Woman's character and motivations become clear, and that makes her likeable. So if you've written her off, go find a few arcs of JLA where you get to see her butt heads with the big boys. You may find you agree with her often. She likes to take care of business.

Short Answer: Spent. Out.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Question: Pizza is a vegetable. Discuss.

Geez, at least put a question mark... I'm starting to feel like a trained ape.

Pizza is not a fucking vegetable. America is crazy. They don't give a fuck about children and want them to die of fat. If this is the kind of batshit insane poo we can get away with now, then carrots are dildos, Brody isn't a closeted gay man's name and my balls aren't too long.

Short Answer: I love pizza and am disgusted by this 'cause when I eat pizza, it ain't for the vegetables, baby.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Question: Why aren't you more famous?

I know, right?

But seriously, being creative is its own reward. Oh, hold on, I almost choked on my own bullshit. As I was saying...

Short Answer: I'm not quite as good looking as Brad Pitt, I guess.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Question: Be poetic. Go.

Not really a question, but...

Let me have a word with ways
and
I will find some answers squared

(I was kinda feeling it so I came back to this for one more.)

So nightmadly grinning
I sweep down the alleys
Picking up tips for my plight on the way

Short Answer: Boo-Yag! Double Boo-Yag!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Question: Handshake, slapping five, or a hearty 'what-up!' which is the best way to greet my daughter when she's born?

I'd think a handshake is probably the way to go. You'll most likely want to keep it formal, after all, you've just met. You don't want to come off as presumptuous. The baby will not know that you are going to be the one responsible for feeding and housing it; in fact, it's just gone through a very traumatic experience because the tube that connects to his stomach that gives him yum-yums has been savagely severed from his body.

On the other vagina, he has passed through and beyond your wife's holiest of holies, and I like to slap a down low five with every dude who bangs my wife. To say that my hand is sore would be an understatement, on that front.

"What-up" is not a bad choice either. It's like the corduroy blazer of first impressions. It can be dressed up, or dressed down and it says, 'I care enough to look good, but I don't expect the lobster.'  You could also make a clicking sound in your cheek, the veritable 'turtle-neck under the blazer' of social interaction.

Another way to go, if I may step outside the box (as your newborn has so recently done), is a hearty nod, to signify in a direct way that you are pleased whit the babies arrival, and may be willing in the future to engage in some sort of parley about the new situation. It's authoritative, but not pushy.

Short Answer: If we want to be funny, here, I'd go with yelling questions. "Who are you! What do you want! Look what you did!"

Friday, November 18, 2011

Question: How do dragons do it?

One dragon lays an egg, then the other dragon comes along and shits on it.

Short Answer: I didn't get much sleep last night.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Question: On the topic of domestication - which animals would you like to domesticate? Why?

Anything that I domesticate I would like to be a secret domestication, for impact.

"Holy shit!  Is that a wolf?"
"Yes. Yes it is."

Besides wolves, I think spiders would be great domesticated pets. You could play spider fetch, and scare that lady to death.  Also any large cats that could 'accidentaly' hugkill an annoyance.

"Sorry, officer, Puma Albert was just looking for love."
"You named your puma Puma Albert?"
"Fuck you, copper!"

Dolphins would be cool, but then you'd have to wheel around a bathtub all the time. Lame. Elephants would be great, but they're so big and I saw that video where a guy's head goes entirely into an elephant's butt and I'd be afraid that would happen to my head.

Domesticated python. Funny to watch a snake go to the bathroom, especially after he sniffs at the ground and the base of the tree for like five minutes.  Just do it already, Python Steve!

Short Answer: I'd like to domesticate homeless people.  More because of the irony than the insensitivity.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Question: How does one domesticate a Yeti? Time is a factor...

What most people don't understand is that a Yeti can be reasoned with. But due to the language barrier, if time is a factor reasoning is out the window. Or as Yetis say: over there.

The key to domesticating a Yeti is dealing with the quantities of pee and poop. I suggest a crash course in toilet use. One way to get the Yeti to use the toilet is to plant a tree in your bathroom, but I also find leaving Yeti friendly magazines near the toilet can encourage a good sit down BM. Mags such as Rock and Garden, Sub-Zero Sluts and Feet work well, though if you have attempted to domesticate the informed Yeti, I'd probably go with something more like The Yeti Economist.

Now that you've dealt with the pee and poop problem, it's time to teach your Yeti some fucking manners. I adhere to a strict regimen of beatings, followed by hands on hips posturing to show your big friend that you will not be intimidated by his size nor the fact that he's at the top of the food chain and you're a prey item. In this house, man is apex predator, buddy.

Do not leash your Yeti. I repeat. No matter how bad the domestication process is going, you do not want to be dragged behind a stampeding Yeti. This is especially important if you have Yetis of the opposite sex in your neighborhood. A Yeti will tear off your arm without a single thought if he smells that musty tang on the air.

My last piece of advice is be patient (or in this case, hurry up) and enjoy the process. When it's time for war, you'll be glad to have a Yeti to ride.


Short Answer: Good luck, god speed, and enjoy your new Himalayan compatriot!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Question: In your world, is it women and children first, or beards first?

In my world, you aren't much of a woman or a child if you don't have a beard, so it's all pretty much moot.

Short Answer: I like boobs more than beards, especially on my face.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Question: Can you tell me about H.P. Lovecraft, his writing, and some of your favourite works of his that have been turned into movies?

My pleasure. Howard Phillips Lovecraft was an American Horror writer most famous for his Cthulu Mythos stories and the creation of the fictional book of the dead, the Necronomicon. Lovecraft is credited by many modern horror writers as a major influence, including Stephen King, and has grown to become, along with Edgar Allen Poe, the name most synonymous with American Horror literature.

He was also kind of a weirdo. Though he is now held in high-esteem, he was a poor man, who never made much money as a writer, lived separately from his wife and was by most accounts an astounding racist - though in his defense it was the style at the time.  He only lived to the age of 47, doing most of his famous short story work in the last decade or so of his life.  He died of cancer, though his health had been periodically bad throughout his entire life, and there is some concern of an almost psychosomatic degradation, culminating in the effect the suicide of his friend and correspondent Robert E. Howard (creator of Conan) may or may not have had on him.

Though he wrote poetry frequently throughout his life, Lovecraft is most well known for his short fiction work. His tone, mood and distinctly literary characteristics make for an experience unlike any other in Horror fiction, and he is my personal favorite teller of scary stories. His recurring themes of 'elder gods' and man's inability to handle the truths of the universe are matched by his baser, simpler stories of man's paranoia and unfounded fear of the mundane. Or is it unfounded?

My favorites are The Dunwich Horror, The Color Out of Space, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Silver Key and The Whisperer in Darkness.  To go into detail about the quality of these works would take a book unto itself.

His tales of the macabre are the tits, but like most author's efforts, when words are turned into films, it no work so good. Re-Animator is the best by far, a wonderfully fun and demented little flick. I also like Dagon, despite its b-movie qualities and From Beyond because of its b-movie qualities. The Necronomicon has shown up in various pieces of cinema over the years, probably most notably in Sam Raimi's Evil Dead films. Both In the Mouth of Madness and The Thing by John Carpenter are great films that are heavily laced with Lovecraft's particular doings.

Short Answer: Lovecraft is everywhere you look, nowadays. Every creative medium has been infected. What have we done?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Question: Can you write a short blurb about Remembrance Day which includes a dick or fart joke that also manages to remain tasteful?

Remembrance Day is a day to remember. And don't forget dicks and farts.

Short Answer: Remaining tasteful is very subjective. Like the all-male inner city porno New New Jack City. (Directed by Mario Van Peeholes and starring Chris Cock, but somehow not starring Cuba Boning Jr.)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Question: When people say something was done 'by design' what do they mean?

The term refers to the television show Designing Women, and its portly, rotund, fat, pudgy star Delta Burke. Basically, 'by design' means 'the way Delta Burke would do it.'

Like, "That whole pig looks that way be design" means "Delta Burke made the pig that way so she could drink it down like a milkshake."

Basically, this whole answer is one big fat joke about Delta Burke, and I don't even know if anyone out there remembers who Delta Burke is, so I'm kinda walking a fat line on this one.

Let's try again. 'By design' means a gay guy did it. No? Really? Okay.

'By design' means god did it. Still no?

Gay god? Yes? Yes.

(I was going to add a picture here as a special treat. The joke was going to be something huge and fat, and I would label it 'Delta Burke' but when I looked up pictures for 'fat monster' on the Internet, I just found a bunch of dicks. Bail.)

Short Answer: Gay god gives the best back rubs.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Question: Can you write a poem about revenge?

Here goes. From the top of the ole bean.

I Am Become Vengeance vs. I Am Become Death

by Keith Kennedy


Silly, that.
Do I not encompass you?
Balk if you must, for death can be cleansing.
Do I not stick with you?
Is there not the coldness of absolutes in the slimy gullet of all
irreproachable action?
Am I not jealous of your ability to walk away smooth?
Small price for complete revenge, life blood.
And yet, should it be you, bringer of ends, who takes on that risk?
Who turns with aching fingers dug into your back?
And where, between our aligned feet, does the line set itself?
Can you go back? From either, can you go back?
Death, no.
Vengeance, it depends on the lust of the crime,
for it must match intent, must equal the passions of the devourer.

I saw her, you know, hands in hair, strap slipping down fleshy shoulder,
collarbone pronounced by pinkish blood hue.
I saw her.

I have not the words. Nor the inclination to argue further.
Become, destroyer, become.

Short Answer: For those who care (Mom) I just got nominated for a Pushcart Prize for poetry. I'm kind of a big deal, now, so you'll have to read this blog with tiny, pretentious glasses perched on the edge of your nose. My bad.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Question: Why are you such a hard ass?

When I was little, I had to punch my way out of a shark. I could've used one of the license plates in the shark's stomach to hack my way out, but at an early age I knew not to be a pussbag.

When I was a little older I got bitten by a Sydney funnel web spider. Without any ability to suck the poison out myself, nor the knowledge to understand whether or not that would even work, I was forced to will the spider's venom out of my body.

And one time my Mom put the wrong number of candles on my birthday cake. If that doesn't form a man, I don't know what does.

Short Answer: I'm pretty sure that in most physical contests I could at least draw with a dinosaur.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Questions: Where are all the single ladies?

Bingo parlors. Funerals. Nursing stations. Canadian Football League Away Games. Gay bars. Fantasy and Science-Fiction conventions. Libraries. Non-nude beaches.

You get the picture. If you don't, you're an idiot. Single ladies are everywhere; if you think they aren't, it's because you suck and can't attract a mate. More of them won't up your percentages as much as you think. You need to figure out where you are.

Fag.

No, but seriously, once you have confidence in yourself and can rock the mike with a few jokes, display some self-assurance, the single ladies will come crawling out of the woodwork like the zombies in Thriller, the only difference being Vincent Price won't be narrating. That will be the only difference.

(Was anyone offended by my use of the word fag? I didn't really mean gay people. I like gay people. They give good blowies.)

So put on a dapper hat, stop being a little girl, and go be a more interesting person. It really is that simple. Doubt is your greatest enemy. There is someone for everyone, and in my experience, a few more than that if you know what I'm saying. Just be yourself and the world will open up like a dew coated, blossoming flower/vagina.

Short Answer: There are also single ladies at the bar, but unless you want skankitis, it's not the way to go. Though it is a great place to get blown in the bathroom by a gay dude. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Monday, November 7, 2011

Question: Chicken or the egg?

I'm going to interpret this in a couple of different ways.

1) The Evolutionary Way: The chicken came first. It may have been a dinosaur or a fishchicken at first, but there's no animal called an egg that would have evolved into a chicken. Reproduction happens after production.

2) The Tasty Way: Egg beats (PUN!) chicken 'cause it's so versatile. Yes, chicken is versatile in its own way, but that's because it takes on the flavors of other things easily. An egg imparts flavor and texture and can also be used as a binding agent.

3) The Throwing Rotten Ones at a House Way: This is chickens easily. Eggs are traditional when throwing rotten food at a lousy neighbour, but rotting chickens are much more devastating in terms of overall blood and gore spray as well as property damage.

4) The Having Intercourse with it Way: Really? Does this even need to be asked? Sure, okay, you can microwave an egg and have sex with it, but it doesn't replace the kicking and screaming of an about to be raped live chicken.

5) The Painting for Easter Way: Again, surprisingly the answer here is chicken. Eggs just sit there after they've been painted. That is not nearly as entertaining or impressive as a war painted, angry chicken on the loose.

Short Answer: Which came first, your stupid face or my launched with mal-intent flying leg lariat?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Question: It's been awhile. Can you do a top ten list?

Without trying to sound argumentative or confrontational, I don't think it's been that long. You asshole.
(Goes to check)
October 17th - Top Ten Halloween Costumes this year. I guess that's awhile. But when was the last one before that?
(Goes to check)
October 14th - Top Ten Ways to Escape a Boring Conversationalist. Okay, by that gap I'd say it has been awhile. But let's check the next one.
(Goes to check - comes right back)
Just kidding!
(Wonders why he actually got up from the computer to make that joke)
So if I'm due, what do I do the list about? There really isn't much to work with in the question, not to say the question was bad. There are no bad questions, I think I've proven that. You asshole.
I'll just go ahead and write 'Top Ten' and see what happens.

Top Ten Things that Could Happen

10) I could start caring about Africa.
9) I could learn to dislike sarcasm.
8) I could quote the teachings of Friedrich Nietzsche, so I can go all the way to the dark side of boring douchiness. I could also pronounce his name carefully and accurately before and after each quote. Awesome!
7) I could bail on this Top Ten list 'cause I just got a better idea.
6) I could continue to write it.
5) I could fall madly in love with the idea of extending the joke in 6 and keep writing asinine things for the rest of this list.
4) Pee break
3) I did that thing wear I thought I might have to poop...
2) You know when you go to poop and you fart right before you sit down, and it's one of those 'I'm about to take a poop' farts so the poop is right there and then you sit down and your face is now at previous ass level and you smell the pre-poop fart and its like the thickest most fecally smelling fart you've ever farted?
1) I could go ahead and do a proper list.

Top Ten Awesomest Quotes I Like and Think are Awesome

10) "The best way to become boring is to say everything." - Voltaire
9) "Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte
8) "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." - Winston Churchill
7) "Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream." - Mark Twain
6) "You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant." - Harlan Ellison
5) "I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
4) "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
3) "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
2) "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway
1) "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss gazes back into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Short Answer: I obviously picked quotes by quotable folk. Otherwise, there would have been seven from Space Balls.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Question: Is there truly such a thing as objective, unbiased observation?

Are you fucking kidding me? We are all so wrapped up in our own bullshit and confused by everybody else's bullshit, that we see everything through a template of bullshit. As if someone had put some cheesecloth under a bull and fed that bull McDonald's and then held that bullshittery cheesecloth in front our stupid faces.

There isn't a single person I know that isn't biased about almost everything they say, usually because their motivations are selfish or secretive. Even when they are trying to be objective their minds and mouths are littered with every unresolved self-reflective thought they've had in the last week, if not every one they've had forever because they're too stupid to actually work through self reflection and improve a little.

Even observations that seem unmotivated are usually jokes or conversation starters, and those are motivated by bias. I like when people laugh, it makes me feel good about myself, so I make an observation that I find humorous.  That shit isn't objective no matter how objectively I may have formed the observation.

Here let me try. Nope, can't. Everything I think of is put through my template of what I think is worthy or interesting to talk about. Even someone as emotionless as a computer is still using bias when they speak; the bias is that they don't want to be emotional. Trying to be unbiased is like trying not to think of anything. You just think of not trying to think of anything.

Plus, you would have to have definitive facts to be objective, and most things people think of as facts are wrong; people are dumb and their memories are fickle. You would have to have facts in front of you, but then you're just spitting out an equation. If these are the facts, I think this. Well, yea, that's what one would logically surmise. Congratulations, you filled in the blank. Answering a question or solving a problem is not an observation. An observation would be something like, "I think this question is dumb."  But that's biased.

Short Answer: I think my blog is outstanding and many people should read it. Nailed it.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Question: What is the single most irksome and common mistake made by contemporary film makers?

It is tough to figure out who's at fault when cinema serves you up a big sloppy microwave dinner of plotlessness, cliched dialogue and flat, brainless characters. Usually, the middle finger is pointed at the director. This is unfair; most often when a movie falls flat, it's due to how many wangs were in the pie, not who's wang in particular did the most fucking.

I honestly believe that this, inherently, is not only the main reason movies fail, but also the one thing that should be quickly eliminated by a film director. (I'm referring to the pie fucking metaphor.) There are always going to be too many cooks in the kitchen in terms of a large-ish budget movie, but I think people's desire for collaboration goes too far.

Think of it this way. You're a director. You've got the studio breathing down your neck about money. You've got producers breathing down your neck about content. You've got some exec producer concerned their won't be enough toffy in the toffy pull scene. And depending on the writer and the source material, you may be trying to keep some one's original vision in mind. All you need is to open the floor to more collaboration.  Film makers need to put on their big boy hats and take responsibility from the word go. They're the boss.  Ultimately it is their vision that matters.

No one knows for sure, but if you think about some modern directors who's work is consistently well-received, you get the feeling from each of them that no matter who else is involved, the film is theirs. Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese, David Fincher, Clint Eastwood. The list goes on, but the reason it is so short is because some directors don't seem to get that despite every one's creative vision on the project, theirs has to be the strongest and most well-defined, and they have to stand by it when too many people start piping off.

Short Answer: I guess the answer is I hate it when I watch a movie and feel that it was helmed by a weak, douchey vag.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Question: The contention is that the meek will inherit the earth... Would you bet on them?

I wouldn't bet on the meek if they managed to piece together a bazooka out of rainbows and feelings and scatter shot jellybeans into my face.

When whoever the opposite of the meek are point their canons, they don't point them at anyone in particular. And meek people tend to stand very still, so they get killed as much if not more than everybody else. Sometimes, as much as the meek would hate to admit, especially in any tone above a cautious whisper, you gotta pick up a stick, hammer a big ol' nail into that bad boy, and take aim at some brain pan.

Now don't get me wrong. The meek have a place in our society. Who else would I intimidate, judge and push over if attacked by a giant monster/tidal wave/surprising onset of diarrhea? But as for inheriting the earth? The meek aren't here for leadership roles. And though you can claim the leading by example thing, I don't particularly get inspired by throw rugs, tame levity, or references to anything lovely.

I want things to be good. I want people to stand up for themselves and for others. I don't like aggression of any kind, be it passive or otherwise, but I do want conviction. And though the meek may have convictions buried beneath their sweater vests in their tiny pink smart car hearts, I can't tell, because my rock and roll music is a little too loud.

Short Answer: And another thing...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Question: Do you really like fantasy books?

Really like? Maybe I'm just being defensive, here, but it sounds like there may be some skepticism in this question. The answer is yes, I really like fantasy books, and yes, you are getting really fat.

What's not to like about fantasy? Saving the world one decapitation at a time. Plus, fantasy books have some of the best character development in all of literature, thanks in part to lengths of the average story (ie long).  Once you've followed characters for a long time and really watched them grow, it's hard to go back to eighty thousand word modern novels about some douche bag's crybaby bullshit.

Fantasy books are blatantly about all the things other books try to be about in subtle ways, but most often fail. Honor, loyalty, morality, spirituality, revenge, justice and consequence just to name a few. Now some people claim fantasy is silly, but there are a lot of different kinds and they don't all have the 'silly' elements delivered in the same way. For example, you don't see a lot of wands in fantasy, despite what Harry Potter fans may think, because wands are dumb. What you do see is a lot of swords, and that's good, because violence is awesome and guns are stupid. A world where you have to properly learn how to kill and not be killed creates a lot more depth than you might imagine.

I could go on, but the point is that fantasy creates worlds. It's a genre that by definition includes massive amounts of creation, so if your aim is to be transported away from your dreary, mundane, fat existence, what better place to have as your destination?

Short Answer: Violence, sexuality, corrupt religions and governments and people brave enough to stand up for what they believe in. Is there really any surprise that people read this stuff?