Monday, October 31, 2011

Question: Where are your manners?

In the toilet upstairs.

I can't believe I ran out of Halloween questions on the day that is the day of the Halloween.
Where are your manners, everyone?
How do you like that?
Who's asking the questions now, punk?
No, seriously, who's asking the questions?
You guys.
My apologies.
Please keep reading my blog.
I'm sorry for yelling.

Short Answer: Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Question: You seem to like Horror movies a lot. Assuming you watch them around Halloween, what did you watch last night?

Last night, I got bit on the ass by nostalgia. I went and bought a movie I've been looking for for years. The movie's called 'The Stuff' and I remember it from watching it on late night tv when I was very young.  It's about this yogurt like product that bubbles up from the earth and becomes a popular snack.  Little do people know, the stuff takes over once you've eaten enough of it. For some reason, it's always stuck in my mind and I've built it up over the years, thinking it was going to be some awesome find.

It was not. This movie is poo. Do not rent.

I also watched the premiere of American Horror Story, not realizing it was an ongoing serial type tv show. I thought, like almost every other Horror tv show, that it would be anthology style and that each episode would be a different story. Oops. It was pretty good, though.

Then I watched Monster Bug Wars and it was the scariest thing I did all night. Huntsman spiders are more terrifying than Halloween.

Short Answer: Got my marathon today. Gonna make up for some lost time.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Question: What's the best way to explain away mayonnaise on your pants?

Handy. Tugbert. HJ. Premature Edickulation. Favor for grandma. BlowJ. Wide-on. FJ. Blowy. Start up kit. Boater Moat. J-Off. Beej. Snuffleupagus. Bead counter. Slippity-dippity. Oxtail soup. Cyclops Pet Parade. Jerks and Caicos. Peter Rabbit. Tentpole. Weiner Dog Paddle Boat. Palm soup. Handy dart. Rubinsky. Donair town. Repulsor blast. Duck, duck, balls.

By the way, there is a lot of the same sound in this question. Explain away mayonnaise might be poetry, brosephine.

Short Answer: This answer is a good size, goddammit!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Question: Is a kilt neccessary at all? Why not go completely naked?

Kilts are necessary for various reasons, unless you walk around on your hands all the time. Then you're in upside down wiener town and besides being a sweet rhyme, it's a situation I'm not equipped to handle.

You can't just go completely naked, mainly because the only time you even see kilts outside of Scotland nowadays are at weddings, and you don't want a Scotsman's dong out at a wedding, 'cause all the bridesmaids and quite possibly the bride, will end up trying to suck it.

Also, just to be clear, a kilt isn't a full body apparatus, like overalls, so even if you didn't wear the kilt, you'd still have a shirt on, and that's a look no man, not even a thick-calved Scotsman, call pull off.

I'll be honest, as a bit of a Scotsman myself, I don't think many kilt-wearers in our generation freeball it beneath the kilt. I do, of course. But that's because I know how to be lady-like.

The real reason kilts are necessary is 'cause they're fucking cool. Plus, when someone calls it a skirt by mistake, you get to beat the shit out of them.

Short Answer: Normally, going completely naked is always the better option, but kilts are culturally significant, and wearing them doesn't really cut off access to the balls, so they're a go.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Question: I have a pink argyle this bad?

Here's a flowchart.

Are you a girl?
Are you a transvestite?
Are you a dude who likes pretty things?
Are you Ed Wood?
Are you high a lot?
Are you doing props for a porno?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, things are cool.

Otherwise, might be time to take that shit to the Salvation Army, bro.

Short Answer: I like pretty things.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Question: Dude, why would you stop the beat?

This is eerily similar. Is this a conversation we're having? About the beat?

Get off my lawn.

Short Answer: Repeated questions by the same party will be met with the proper disdain.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Question: What was your best Hallowe'en costume and what was your worst costume?

I think my best was the year I went as a Soul Ranger from the video board game Atmosphere, 'cause it was the biggest in-joke. I had a sweet hat and a skull mask and tight ass jeans. I was an absolute hit with the ladies that night, 'cause there's a certain mystique surrounding both cowboys and the undead. Wasn't so funny when later on in the night I removed the mask and the chick who was about to blow me screamed. Should've gotten the wet work over with first.

My worst costume is harder to answer.  I remember one time in grade school I wanted to be a zombie, and my mom painted my face for me that morning, but when I went to school, no one else was dressed up yet. So I had to sit through the entire day in my make-up and I was embarrassed.

Anything that I ended up having to wear a snowsuit over or under was also weak. Hard to be a scary 'snowsuit vampire'.

Worst? Probably the time I went as a drug dealer and sold weed to people. But it was lame because it wasn't really a costume, I was just selling weed to people.

Didn't whiff on the BJ that night, though.

Now that I think about it, I was kinda the equivalent of a hot chick who dresses like a slut on Halloween. I used to wear things to help me get laid. Like I'd wear bunny ears and put the cute bunny tail sticking out of the back of my jeans.  Chicks thought it was adorable...fellatio.

Short Answer: Hard to find a worst. I've been a ninja, a rock star, a cowboy, a vampire, Papa Smurf, a dead guy and a bunny. It's a pretty solid resume.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Question: Do you have the time?

Like, what time is it? Does it look like I'm wearing a watch? (dated) Does it look like I'm the kind of person who has an iPhone? (more modern) Don't you have an iPhone? (more realistic) Are you just trying to break the ice 'cause you want to plow me? (most likely) No, I'm not at the moment carrying on my person an album recorded by the band The Time. (bingo)

Short Answer: I know you can't see me, but trust me. I'm not the kind of person who looks like he has any idea what time it is. Though, with my stylin' threads, I may in fact listen to The Time.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Question: Could you recommend some good Halloween movies?

I'm taking this pretty seriously. It is a privilege and an honor to recommend Horror movies.

First off, I'm going to make a big (and I think obvious) differentiation between Horror movies and movies that are good for Halloween. Problem is, I can't really explain how I'm going to do that. But I'll try.

To me a good Halloween movie should have a sense of fun - things like Fright Night and Halloween 3: Season of the Witch pop immediately into my mind. Also, you don't want a lot of vampire or zombie fare; Halloween is more about being scared, like ghosts and ghouls style. That's the feeling I always try to capture. I just saw Insidious, which I really liked, and that fits the bill as do many of the compilation horror movies, like Tales From the Darkside or the very modern, Trick r' Treat. Problem is, most great ghost stories are too scary for Halloween (The Changeling, The Shining, The Others, The Orphanage, The Haunting.)

So with all that said, I'll provide you with a list of films I think are great for Halloween time. Some of these movies follow the above criteria, others totally don't. I think the sense of fun is the key, and that shows in the following list a little more than other Horror movie lists I might compile.

30 Movies For Good Halloween Scary Times

30) Jeepers Creepers - This movie is all tone, and I think it's a perfect one for Halloween. It's a really fun, contained monster movie, with a neat monster and some great tension. I think it's possible that monster movies make the best Halloween movies. Look for the great Justin Long in one of his first roles.
29) House of the Devil - A super accurate throwback film. This feels like it was made in the 70's, but is better than most movies of its time and ilk. A babysitter gets a strange gig at a big old house. Sparse with a slow build, if that's you're thing.
28) Cabin Fever - Eli Roth's first foray breaks a lot of my rules for Halloween movies, but for some reason, it sticks out for me as a holiday movie. Teenagers encounter something in the woods...horror ensues.
27) Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 - The first of many great sequels on the list. Sequels are especially valuable at Halloween time (and only then, for the most part) because they are often sillier, gorier versions of the originals. This one has almost nothing to do with the original, but is a fun supernatural/slasher (or paraslasher) film with lots of fun 80's horror staples. It's my favorite movie of this kind of movie. You'll know what I mean.
26) The Omen - This movie is too serious for this list, but because it often gets lost beneath better classic Horror films like The Exorcist, The Omen always pops up for me around Halloween. Just a good Horror movie, through and through, and we could all use a little anti-christ for Halloween. "It's all for you, Damien."
25) Sleepaway Camp - Classic camp slasher fare with one of the scariest endings in ever history ever. Don't want to ruin it, but there's a standing rule in my house that if my wife ever imitates it we get instantly divorced. Scares me that much. (If it doesn't scare you, it will at least make you laugh.)
24) Return of the Living Dead - Funniest of the older zombie flicks and if you ask the missus, the best zombie movie ever made. Also, great t-shirt if you can find it.
23) Phantasm - I wanted to put this so much higher, but some people, Horror fans included, just don't get it. It's that movie that you show to your friends, hoping they get it. When they do, it's awesome. You don't feel so alone in the world. Everyone who loves this movie knows exactly what I'm talking about. Tall Man forever. "Boy!"
22) Pet Sematary - Again, this choice is a tonal one. Something about this movie, dead things comin' back - but more ghouls than zombies - just cries out Halloween to me. Another great ending, too. Stephen King book, in case you didn't know.
21) Nightbreed - Here's a weird one. Based on a Clive Barker novel (called Cabal), starring the great director David Cronenberg in a brilliant and terrifying performance, the story is one of a mythical place called Midian, where the monsters live. This movie is so cool and genuinely Halloween scary. Are you one of the Nightbreed? (One of my favorite Horror movie lines ever, when Peloquin proclaims, "You're meat!"
20) Children of the Corn - Another Stephen King novel, this one about a town populated only by children. This has been a staple for me, and has one of my favorite musical themes in all of horrordom. (Children singing is the secret.) Great beginning, one of my fave cold openings in Horror.
19) Slither - Super fun spaceworm/zombie fling, with Nathan Fillion of Firefly fame. This one is a winner, taking the good from similar older movies and giving a modern twist. Elizabeth Banks is in here too.
18) From Dusk Till Dawn - Some people don't like this movie. I don't get it. It's so fun. George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel and Juliette Lewis (not to mention 'Token Mexican' Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, fx guru Tom Savini and boobs guru Salma Hayek). And vampires. Easily my favorite Tarantino acting role.
17) The Howling - My second favorite werewolf movie, it feels more like Halloween than other lycanthrope films. Transformation scene is top notch, maybe the best ever.
16) The Fly - This diabolical remake is almost too good a film. It's scary, gross and terrifyically mundane, thanks to the style of director David Cronenberg. Jeff Goldblum is always good times. Brundlefly!
15) From Beyond - The first of the Stuart Gordon directed entries, and the first of the 'based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft' entries, From Beyond is pure 80's horror fun. Sexy, gross and ridiculous.
14) House of 1000 Corpses - Say what you want about Rob Zombie, the dude has style. In no film is it more evident than this absolute mess of horrors. The movie actually suffers from its insanity, unless you dig on insanity. Basically a reworking of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with some thunderous Zombie music and lunacy, and a few touches of real, modern horror.
13) Creepshow - The only entry on this list of the compilation sub-genre, because it's the best. If you haven't seen it in awhile, you're in for a nostalgic treat. Screamplay by Stephen King, directed by George A. Romero. Boom.
12) Night of the Creeps - I think this probably deserves to be lower, but for me it embodies all the nostalgia of my horror youth. Going to the video store, judging Horror films (that I was too young to be watching) based solely on their covers. Even being in the aisle of the little video store used to scare me. Night of the Creeps exemplifies that time period for me. The original spaceworms/zombie movie, the box had one of my favorite tag lines ever. "The good news is your dates are here. The bad news is...they're dead." Bought the shit outta this movie the second it came out on Blu-ray.
11) Re-Animator - The second Stuart Gordon entry and second H.P. Lovecraft inspired flick.  Herbert West (played brilliantly by the brilliant Jeffrey Combs) is a scientician or something. He makes things come back and junk. Dot, dot, dot, severed head oral action. Next!
10) A Nightmare on Elm Street - Somewhere along the way, this film got buried by genre fans under a shit-ton of crappy slashers. This movie is the real deal, people. It's innovative and truly frightening, wacky and fun enough to be perfect for Halloween. Think of the Freddy's arms are super long scene if you don't catch my drift. Sadly, this was the best Wes Craven had to offer and he's been trying ever since to live up to its excellence.
9) Demons - Produced by Italian Horror demi-god Dario Argento and directed by Lamberto Bava (son of Italion Horror god Mario Bava) this movie has everything you'd want in a horror film. It's basically a zombie set up. But demons instead of zombies. They are hilarious looking and the gore is funtastic.
8) Halloween - Okay, okay, don't bite my head off or try to eat my brains over this. I know that the movie Halloween is synonymous with Halloween. Don't misunderstand me here, I'm as big a fan of this movie as anyone, if not more so. The thing is, I find this movie to be one of the great Horror movies period, and despite the fact that it takes place on Halloween, I don't feel that Halloween is the theme. Michael Myers could have come back on June 3rd and this movie would still be fantastic. But, it is Halloweeny enough to hit the list, if a little low. By the way, John Carpenter is the greatest, as this is the first of three Carpenter directed films on the list.
7) Prince of Darkness - Without further ado, the next of the Carpenter entries. Prince of Darkness is oft overlooked, but it has incredible tone. It feels like no other film, and has spectacular 'bitter aftertaste' qualities that won't let you sleep. There's crazy goo, a pod-people angle, a bit of zombie action, another dimension, time warping and maybe, probably, the Devil. Claustrophobic is what Carpenter does best, and this does not disappoint.
6) Demon Knight - This was the long awaited 'Tales from the Crypt' movie. It did not disappoint. William Sadler and Billy Zane in a demon infested romp, with fun characters, good writing and murder most horrid. This, of any film, calls out to me in the language of Halloween.
5) Evil Dead 2 - Another sequel, but also sort of a re-imagining of the first film. This movie is so over the top, with the Necronomicon in full force. So much zombie, tree rape, self-mutilation, chainsaw action. When I first saw this movie, it both amused and terrified me. The terror didn't last, but the amusement never wanes.
4) Hellraiser 2 - Based on the first Hellraiser, which was based on the book 'The Hellbound Heart' by Clive Barker, Hellraiser 2 takes the mythology to a whole new level. Hell in fact. The movie mostly takes place in Hell, and it is amazing. So much gore and terror here, yet still fantastical enough to add a little lightness, making it proper Halloween fare. Who better than Pinhead for Halloween, really?
3) In the Mouth of Madness - John Carpenter joins up with H.P. Lovecraft to create this crazy awesome mixture of horror goodies. Sutter Cane, the great Horror novelist has disappeared into his own creations. Sam Neil, playing a skeptical insurance investigator, tracks the man to an idyllic little town, straight out of Lovecraft, where nothing is as it seems.
2) Pumpkinhead - Almost number one. Despite being called Pumpkinhead, this movie has nothing to do with Halloween; it just refers to the look of the demon. This is the most popular of my annual Halloween rotation. The great Lance Henriksen plays a father bent on revenge, who goes to the scariest damn backwater witch to summon the demon Pumpkinhead. Bad idea, dude. This movie is dark, chilling, dirty and demonic. But because it's basically a monster movie, it feels like straight out of the dryer style warm underwear at Halloween time.
1) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Of all the great, great best of the best Horror movies, this one fits best with Halloween. Something about the grittiness and the insanity of it all, coupled with the feeling you're left with once it's over, is exactly the way I like to feel on Halloween. Like I always say, human skin can be as good a costume as anything.

Short Answer: I'm not going to do Honorable Mentions this time, because there are so many fantastic Horror flicks that have been ruled out for minor reasons that it would end up being the biggest list of mentions ever. Let's just re-iterate that this list is not a list of my favorite Horror movies, just the ones I personally think are great for Halloween. Enjoy!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Question: Where did the term ass-backwards come from?

There was once a very aggressive dude with a an ass on the front, and he'd bend his knees and flex his hands and run after ladies with his tongue hanging out, groaning and growling like a masturbating sheepdog.

The term was coined more because of his attitude toward women, though. He thought they should have the vote.

Short Answer: I think it has to do with anal sex. 'Cause that seems a little ass-backwards to me. Wait, maybe it was what someone said when they were trying to do it in the butt. "No, Rhonda. Go ass-backwards. Yea, that's the ticket."

Friday, October 21, 2011

Question: Could you weigh in on the whole bidet thing?

It's a water fountain for your butt.

Weigh in? They seem awesome. I've never had the privilege of using one, 'cause I live in the backwards western continent of North America. Too bad we still scrape our anuses with dry paper. Thanks, however the fuck that happened.

Short Answer: Bidet means pony.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Question: Will you have sex with me?

Are you a brunette?
Do you have big boobs?
Are you very intelligent?
Do you have shapely hips?
Are you hilarious?
Do you have a small waist?
Are you willing to put up with crying during coitus?
Do you have a nice bum?
Can I shout, 'Shazam' when I'm blowing it?
Do you have brown eyes?
Can I finish on the back of your knee?
Do you like bent dongs?

If you said yes to all of these questions, you are either a liar or you're my wife. If you're the former, best we don't, or my wife will want to join in and that's weird for many reasons, foremost of which is that I don't feel comfortable crying in front of two people at the same time.

Short Answer: No thanks. I'm all sexed up for now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Question: Can you stop the beat? How?

As a question posed to everyone, taking 'you' to mean people in general, no. People can't do much.

Can I stop the beat? Fuck yea.

First of all, if the beat it that thing that makes people want to get up and dance, you can stop it real easy with a shitload of violence. Eventually, the echoing moans of agony will drown out the beat. Technically, this isn't stopping the beat, but it serves a similar purpose. Often, when people are hurt, or 'attacked' someone will quite considerately turn off the beat, though it really doesn't accomplish anything for the 'victim'. It's like turning down the radio in your car to look for an address.

I'm also willing to burn down studios, foreclose on dance clubs and intimidate neighbors to stop the beat. These things are within my skill set. I've got gas, I hate poor people and I've got a sweet beard that can become scary at the drop of a furrowed brow.

Short Answer: The beat, in general, can suck it. Music is overrated. It exists so people can talk about how much they hate shit and how important something is to their 'soul'.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Question: Drunk hippie or coked-up albino throw rug salesman?

Jesus. Who's doing the comedy around here?

I don't even know where to begin. I don't like hippies. I don't think anyone really does. They have the right idea, but the wrong hygiene. I also don't like drunk people, so I suppose it would be impossible for me to choose the drunk hippie. You can only take so many, 'I love you, mans' before you lose your shit and start kung-fuing tie-dye.

I do like throw rugs, and I don't mind a little pushy salesmanship, and I love pale skin (I find it a turn on, bite me.) Plus, cocaine reminds of Kiefer Sutherland because of Bright Lights, Big City and that's awesome. I love Kiefer Sutherland.

I guess the answer is simple. Coked-up albino throw rug salesman.

Short Answer: What scenario was this dude in to ask this kind of a question? The answer is buying weed outside a night club, I'll bet.  Someone said something about 'cutting a rug' and off it went.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Question: With Halloween around the corner, what are some good ideas for costumes this year?

If you want topical, I suppose you could make a wall and a street, and wear that. Or you could try to blur yourself with makeup and go as a faster than light neutrino. You could be Mit Romney. (I don't know how to spell that, I'm not looking it up.) Zombies still seem to be very popular, as do sparkling vampires. You could get some round glasses and a stick and say you're Harry Potter no matter how fat you are.

Personally, I like clowns.  They're terrifying, you'd never want to be one any other time of the year, and the possibilites are so endless, you can't get the costume wrong (see fat Harry Potters).  Hell, one type of clown is basically a hobo, so you can dress the way you always do.

Since the Smurfs movie was such a big hit, you could...what?...oh...nevermind.

Top Ten Halloween Costumes This Year

10) The dude from 127 Hours. Just make a boulder out of some crap and tape it to your hand.
9) Satiated Zombie.  Fat suit plus zombie makeup plus laid back attitude.
8) Sad Ryan Reynolds. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't make that piece of shit Green Lantern movie any more entertaining. I guess you could wear the ring or hold the lantern or something. (This one kinda sucks, but after mentioning the Smurfs, I couldn't stop thinking about the bomb that was Green Lantern. There's something ironic for you to do there. Figure it out. I'm busy.)
7) Tranny. This one's super easy. If you're a dude, boobs. If you're a chick, weiner. Then put makeup on and talk in an 'adjusted' voice.
6) The poster for The Ides of March. Half-face Gosling, half-face Clooney. Just cut it from the poster and put it on a stick. This is a great one for people who don't really want to wear a costume.
5) Robert the tire from the movie Rubber. Get a tire.
4) Bill Nye the Science Guy. If you're an attention whore, this is perfect for you, 'cause you can spend all night explaining to people who you really are when they think you're someone else.
3) Roadkill. A classic, but a goody. Fur pieces, tire tracks, fake blood. Boom.
2) Slutty anything. This one's for you girl. I'm surprised you haven't thought of it before.
1) Ficky Jibbles the Prohibition Era Clown. This is what I'm actually going as for Halloween this year, see?

Short Answer: There's some other topical stuff you could look into, but then you end up going to a party with four other 'poor Greeks' and nobody wants that.  Or the smell.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Question: If she's a tiny dancer, how does she make any money?

Dancing in men's front pockets.

Just kidding, she's a trust fund girl.

Short Answer: Get it?  Short answer. Oh grown on your own time, world.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Question: What do you hope the aliens look like?

Ah, Hope. What a fickle temptress you are, with your breasts made from mounds of idiocy and your vagina full of guilt. And your lungs packed with black death from all the many forms of smoking. And your hair sucks. Nice toenails. (What the hell? I think an alien might have written this paragraph.)

I hope they look like us so they won't kill us. Or at least enough like us that the feel a little affection; better to be pets than dead.

I also want them to look like a young Casey Kasem, or an old Abe Vigoda, or a middle-aged John Cleese.

I expect them to be gingers. In fact, I think the whole propagation of the idea of the 'ginger' in the last few years is just a slow indoctrination into the idea that aliens are already here. I saw an older ginger man the other day. He was walking through the park (but not on the walkway) wearing a nice suit. His matted orange hair had receded significantly, but too evenly, and his face was albino pale and slightly elongated. As he walked, his chin bobbed up and down ever so slightly. I felt like I had stumbled onto the set of a Men in Black movie. Then he turned and opened his mouth and between his black teeth was an eye that glowed with fire and I heard a voice in the back of my head that shouted as if from dizzying heights, 'Get off our planet!'

Maybe the last part didn't happen.

Short Answer: I mean, the walkway was right there. Right there.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Question: What is the best way to escape a boring or inappropriate conversationalist?

First of all I would never try to escape an inappropriate conversationalist, they're the best kind.

Top Ten Best Ways to Escape a Boring Conversation(alist)

10) Hail a cab. This works especially well if you're not in the street, a restaurant for example.
9) Interject with a comment about your relative dong size. Like, if they're talking about the economy, you could say, "It's not much to worry about, relative to my dong." You can also talk about the dong size of your relatives, that should work just as well.
8) Refute everything they say.  "There aren't any waves in Australia. What's a surf board? You didn't lose your passport; you lost or sold it, jerk.
7) Agree with everything they say, slowly building to a height of unmanageable arousal.
6) Hum cartoon theme songs. Smurfs works the best in my experience. Or Scooby-Doo.
5) Look the person in the eye and ask for the check. This is similar to #10 but much more confrontational. "Check please. Check please!"
4) Bring up a more interesting conversation and slowly, while seemingly agreeing with the person, take over the lead. Wait, no, I meant punch them.
3) Start asking questions of the group that they can't say no to, nor elaborate on, to reflect to the boring party how pathetic their oratory skills are. Questions like, "Aren't puppies cute?" are a good start.
2) Repeat the last few words that they say, adding a 'yea' at the beginning, in the slowest, most drawn out voice imaginable.  Example: Jerk says, "And that's why we can't have children." You say, "Yeaaaaaa. Haaave Childrenssss." Saying, "Have da childrens" works just as well.
1) Honesty. Call that prick out. "Dude, your story is boring. This is the worst. I've had various oscopy's with more replay value. Your face is sickening."

Short Answer: Most people don't know how to tell a story or properly back up an opinion, so you should probably check your glass house before you pick up that stone.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Question: Is there hope for Wall Street?

There should be a derivative created so people can bet on whether or not there is hope for Wall Street.

Why is it called Wall Street anyway?  Wouldn't a wall street just be an alley?  Actually, that's pretty apt for the shady dealings going on there.

Look, ever since the truth came out (or at least ever since the financial crisis happened and we were forced to learn about the ins and outs of finance) I've formed a pretty rough opinion of the economic situation in America.  I know spiders eat their young, but cheese and crackers, the whole housing scam (oh yes, it's a scam) was just brutal.

Society does not work, will not survive, if people who are driven by greed are at the top of the pyramid. Simple as that. It is nearly impossible to argue at this point, especially with the statistics on how wealth is spread out in America, that the rich aren't getting richer, the poor aren't getting poorer and the middle class isn't disappearing. If it continues, and this is not hyperbole, America will eat itself alive.

I wish the American people could get a healthy dose of perspective, that they weren't so fucking full of themselves that they couldn't take a second and try to understand why the world hates them. They're doing a piss poor job of taking care of their own, yet when anyone in politics mentions spreading out the wealth, you see a shitload of morons yelling about 'socialism.' That, of course is just one example of the crap you gotta hear about. Don't get me wrong. For the average American, it's not their fault. Their media is bought and owned, and there's no way they could've known to pass up that sweet mortgage they were offered. What's sickening is now that everyone gets it, and it's obvious that banks and huge corporations actively stole money from people, still nobody is punished, and the poor have no recourse.

Gack. I have little to add to this nonsense. It's absolutely pathetic that the government hasn't handled it better. That's what the government is for. Stay out of it until the people need help on a grand scale, then protect them. The government didn't protect them, because they're made up of the wealthy, and the wealthy were doing good. When your congressman, representative, senator or whatever is checking his own pockets before making decisions on your behalf, you don't even really have government at all, and you sure as fuck don't have socialism.

At this point, you could use a little.

Short Answer: Wall Street? More like Ball Street. No, wait, I can do better...Noooo!........

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Question: Who shot first (Hans or Greedo)?

Assuming that 'Hans' is a typo and this doesn't refer to a story I'm unaware of where some German guy took the initiative to clean up some part of Germantown, I'll instead answer the question as: Who shot first (Han or Greedo)?

For those who don't know, and I'm sure there's one of you, Han in the above question refers to Han Solo, famed anti-hero turned blatant hero from the ever popular Star Wars franchise. And when I say franchise, I of course refer solely to the first three movies, for they are the only ones need mentioning in pop culture ever. But that's another bowl of poo-doo.

In case you still don't know what the hell is going on here, I'll give you a tiny bit of back story. In the original Star Wars movie, now referred to as A New Hope (though it was always called friggin' Star Wars where I came from - Earth that is) there is a scene where Han and a bounty hunter named Greedo (who looks like a fern from the booger planet) have a little scuffle while sitting together at a bar. Han gets tired of Greedo's crap and shoots him under the table. This is important for it establishes Han as a 'shoot first' kind of guy, lending a very important moral ambiguity to the character that is, in contrast, wholly necessary for the goodytwoshoes Luke Skywalker character to work and not be too sickening.

Later, George 'I'll do whatever the fuck I want, bitches' Lucas decided he wanted Greedo to fire first in the scene so kids wouldn't think Han was such a bad guy, so he did what any sane filmmaker would do, and went back into this own film and digitally altered it, waving his pudgy sausage fingers and saying to all of his fans, 'this isn't the movie you thought it was, move along.'

His justifications have always been weak which only add to the hatred some people seem to have for the man, claiming he's messing about unnecessarily with something fans consider precious. Personally, though I understand the concept that once art hits the people it belongs to the people, I get that Lucas feels he has the right to do this stuff. He did create it, after all. But in this case, the alteration does nothing, and just like a lie begets another lie and the tapestry of bullcrap engulfs you, Lucas has spent more than ten years adjusting the damn scene to make his justification seem more plausible, going so far as to add a digital lean so Han looks like he dodges Greedo's shot, so now he's a good guy and Superman.

Big whiff.

Han shot first.

Short Answer: Han shot first. (Han shot first).

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Question: Have you got the moves like Jagger?

Is this Maroon 5 again?  I told you guys, I'm not going to help you be cooler. You'll have to figure it out on your own. No matter how many times you ask veiled questions, I'm not going to change my mind. I think it's important that you learn from your mistakes. If I just tell you, you haven't really learned anything at all, now have you?

Short Answer: Okay then.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Question: People say if you don't like cranberry sauce, you should have it homemade. How do I do that?

1 Bag O' Cranberries
2 Oranges
1 Lemon
Some Sugar or Honey (maybe)
Handful of craisins (optional)

First start cooking those fuckin' cranberries.  Get 'em in a pot and let them do their thing for awhile. You're basically gonna turn them into jam.

Take your oranges and your lemon and zest the shit out of them. If you don't know what zesting is, look that shit up. The zest goes in with the cranberries.

Now, be a super badass and either grill or roast your citrus.  I'd go with grilling, it works a bit quicker. This will bring out all the sweetness from your citrus. Then, squeeze those badboys and add their juice into the cranberries. (You have to cut the fruit in half to do this, by the way. No point grilling the pith.)

Taste it up. Is it sweet enough? If not, add a little honey or suger until you're pleased with the sweetness. (You could also add more orange juice if you want to stay 'pure' and avoid the sweeteners.)

When you add your ginger is up to you, 'cause you don't want it to be too gingery, you just want a little of that cool ginger heat in the background. I'd wait 'till the cranberries have given off some water, then chop a thumbnail (or more) sized knob of ginger finely (or even better, use your rasp/microplane and totally emaciate the ginger into the mixture - no bits, then) and put that shit in with the cranberries.

Cook until it's the texture you want it to be.  I like mine with a semblance of berry shape remaining.

As for the optional craisins, you throw those in near the end, just to give them time to reconstitute.  It adds a textural element to the sauce if you're down with that.  But if you just want the smooth, jelly stuff, skip this step.

Short Answer: Canned can suck it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Question: What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

It means another socially accepted opportunity to eat the heart of a turkey, so I can absorb the turkey's strength. I have eaten hundred's of turkey hearts in my life and I am a formidable opponent thanks to my turkey strength. I would eat the hearts of other animals if I could, but people frown upon the consumption of other types of animal hearts. In fact, from what I can gather, it's more acceptable to eat their nuts.

Short Answer: I am thankful for many things, first and foremost the fact that I possess the strength of a thousand turkeys.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Question: How are your thetan levels these days? Inquiring scientologists want to know...

Super low, thanks for asking. I had a bat'leth fight with some wall-eyed monstrosity just recently, and came out on top thanks to my familiar (who is a ghost of someone who was never famous) and some advice from a pet sock I've been keeping in a jar of whiny bullshit.

The fight was atop a mountain constructed of perspicacity and full of non-alcoholic eggnog, and there was a hint of cinnamon rain misting about me, squeezed from god's holiday catheter. When the head of the monster was removed, I caught it in a crystal punchbowl and shovelled it to a nearby medium (which is false advertising because she, despite being a mermaid, had a large reaction to a the decapitated monster head) and she blessed it with her virgin pee.

Later I watched the Cosby Show.

Short Answer: Scientology must be real because it's so hard to make up a bunch of nonsensical garbage.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Question: Do you think Apple will be as successful now that they've lost Steve Jobs?

I have no clue.

I obviously knew who Steve Jobs was, but I never followed his career nor do I have any idea what technologies were attributed to him. People seem to think he was on top of things. I can't imagine, if he's the super genius that everyone says he is, that the company he worked for will be the same without him.

Unless they have really strong secondary scoring. (Hockey's back.)

I hate the Mac/PC debate. I don't care. People get so effin riled up over it. Preference doesn't necessitate ranting.  What?  What? Sorry, there's an annoying pot over here who keeps calling me a black kettle while I'm trying to work.

Here's what I know. Macs are expensive, and when you buy apple products, they tell you those products are shit very quickly, and you are compelled to buy the next apple products. The whole catch and release thing doesn't fly with me. I don't like having to swim back to the boat for more worms. What? Fucking pot says my extended metaphor is shitty.

I wish Steve Jobs would've invented something that could keep from hallucinating or talking to myself. That'd be a useful app.

Short Answer: I wonder if they'll have to keep digging up his coffin every six months to install better whatever coffins have? (Of the many possible jokes, this was one of the more tasteful. I'm nothing if not very tasteful.)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Question: Are you a circle or a triangle?

Option the First) Triangle. My area is half of my base times my height. I have a tendency to be obtuse, and one time a black lady mistook me for her daughter and called me Scalene.

Option the Second) Circle. Some stuff I do equals pie. It's hard to draw a perfect me (people get the dong all wrong). And one time I stood in a semicircle by myself.

I think I'm more in the quadrilateral family; a parallelogram. Rhombus to be exact.
'Cause I just don't give a fuck.

Short Answer: I just stole a piece of your childhood.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Question: Why do people with umbrellas walk under awnings leaving the people without umbrellas with no choice but to get soaked in the rain? They know they have an umbrella. They can clearly see I don't.

A) This may come as a big surprise to you, but people, for the most part, are inconsiderate assholes. Now I'm not saying they're evil or malicious. People are just so wrapped up in their own bullshit that it doesn't even occur to them to use their cognitive abilities to take in the information around them and use that information to make other people's lives easier and better and therefore make the world a better place. True consideration of a stranger's situation is sadly a rare thing.

B) These fuckers really don't want to get wet. Myself, I'm not an umbrella person. If Yahweh wants me to get wet, so be it. Also, being afraid of the rain sets you up for the big fuck you phenomena I like to refer to as "The Big Drop".  That's when you're passing under an awning and that one big drop falls off it and either hits you on the top of the head or goes down the back of your neck.  And you're like, "Why, Ganesh, why?" 'cause it feels like an icy cold egg has been cracked over your pitiable life.

C) Maybe, in rare cases, people figure because you don't have an umbrella then you don't care if you get wet. They just hog up all the dry 'cause no one's using it. That's why you should start employing the 'tippy-toe frightened face' maneuver. Hug the wall beneath the awning, walking slowly and ever so carefully, while staring up at the sky as if you think Zeus is angry with you and you alone. Dudes will get the fuck out of your way, umbrella or not.

Short Answer: I think it's safe to blame that Rihanna song about ellas for every ella related mishap. Ella.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Question: Who's gonna win the Superbowl this year?

Indianapolis Colts.

Just kidding.

Buffalo Bills.

Am I kidding?

New England Patriots.

Yea, yea that sounds right.

Short Answer: I apologise for not going into an in depth analysis this time, but with Peyton out and the fish stinking it up like crazy in Miami, it's hard to get excited. Besides, Rugby World Cup is on!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Question: Any chance of a hug?

You'd have to find me, befriend me, endear yourself to me and improve your hygiene a great deal; but yeah, there's a chance.

Wait, you don't mean a dirty hug, do you?

Short Answer: If you do, let me know. I'm free right now.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Question: Why have I got my mind set on you?

Because of George Harrison.

Short Answer: This actually makes sense. Google it. (Takes money from Google representative.)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Question: What the fuck was I gonna do?

How the fuck should I know? I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing? Why is there a question mark at the end of the previous sentence? Who decided it was a good idea to ask me questions, anyway. Why isn't there a question mark at the end of the previous sentence?  I'm busy!

No I'm not. Ask away.

Short Answer: Damn, now I don't remember what the fuck I was gonna do. (?)