Friday, September 30, 2011

Question: Under what circumstances would you pursue a political station?

If it was running off with my money.

Honestly, I'd only ever get into politics if I was a super villain, and then only by force. I think running for office is like running a marathon, leave it to the people who need a hobby that sucks.

I'd never get into politics because you have to leave your beliefs at the door and adopt the party's beliefs. That's stupid. I'd rather pursue a police station.

Short Answer: I'm too old to change the world through any means other than nefarious.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Question: Is sex a form of martial art?

It's a form of marital art.

(Five minutes of laughter.)

It's the only martial art, if you ask me. Not only can you dedicate yourself to fucking and get super good at it, you can also use it to fight. Next time some one tries to beat you up, whip it out and start dry humping the air. Your attacker will flee and you will be the victor without having to throw a punch. I don't know anything more kung fu than that.

Also, fucking is stronger in some families, and if you insult my fucking, you have insulted my family.

Short Answer: I have defeated many strong opponents. (Came back to insert iron fist joke, couldn't find a place, put it in the end...)

(Extended laughter and fade to black.)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Question: Boxers or briefs?

If any one of you sac wearing morons out there have yet to discover the firm snugness and longer legs indicative of the boxer-brief, then you oughta shampoo Jack Nicholson's crotch.

The boxer-brief is one of the greatest inventions of our time. The cradling of the balls coupled with the conservative, slimming of the upper thighs...I'm gettin' all hot to go and put on some clothes right now.

Now I get briefs, I do. They're still supporting said junk, but with a more liberal, 'check out my upper thigh hair' type approach. But boxers are antiquated. Unless you've got dribble problems, boxers are the equivalent of no underwear at all, which I've also rocked on occasion, especially in my youth, where girls would get angry if they couldn't get to the tasty garbage quickly enough. What are you? One of those special loaves of bread? they'd say. Why all the packaging? And I'd say, I thought you liked a lot of package? And they'd laugh and then hopefully not be sick from how drunk I had gotten them.

Underwear has really blossomed over the last decade. There are also trunk style briefs, which again give your bundle I nice heft, but also cover a little leg.  A little flashy, a little conservative - they're like the independent candidate.  But obviously not as popular 'cause who wants to waste a vote right? Right? Anyone?


Short Answer: Do what feels best on your boys. Go with what works on your wang.  Assume the attitude of your ass.  Buy what you want, jerk.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Question: Can I call you back?

But I don't like the telephone and the fact that I managed to get up the courage to use it means this is the time that I want to talk. I don't care about your schedule or what you're doing, I barely care about you at all. Now I've gotta sit here, knowing that at some point the phone will ring and I'll practically be forced to pick it up and talk to you no matter what mood I'm in or what else is going on.

I'd rather we talked now.

Short Answer: Alright, call me back.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Question: I have a roll of quarters...who should I punch?

Top Ten People you should Punch if you have a roll of Quarters

10) Fancy clown (you know the type)
9) Arrogant businessman
8) Ice capade performer (If you can, punch the whole idea of capades.)
7) Your stylist
6) Ben of Ben & Jerry's fame. (Jerry has all the good ideas)
5) Anyone with a coconut shaped head, assuming you'll get a tasty treat if you crack them open
4) Kesha
3) People who use topical references in their comedy
2) Jerry of Ben & Jerry's fame. (Who does he think he is, anyway?)
1) Bank teller. (Ironic nosebleed!)

Short Answer: If you like irony, punching a homeless guy will also do nicely.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Question: Is it hungry as a horse, or hungry enough to eat a horse?

It's whatever you want it to be, baby.

You can be as hungry as you wanna be. The two phrases aren't mutually exclusive, unless you're afraid of being considered a cannibal.

I say be the horse, eat the horse, even make love to the horse. Horses, for the most part, are pretty kick ass.

And no, neither one of the expressions is more correct.

Short Answer: Some people say 'hungry enough to eat a scabby horse'. That's fucking gross.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Question: Who should I bring, fictional or otherwise, to take a castle stronghold?

Top Ten People To Siege Alongside if Victory is Your Goal as well as Happy, Happy, Good Times

10) The Kurgan from Highlander. This guy had a bad ass rep for hundreds of years for murdering the shit out of people.
9) Joan of Arc. She may have been a god loving weirdo douche, but there's no denying her track record.  Joan won sieges. Oh, and she had canons. (Not big boobs, actual canons.)
8) General Kael from Willow. Intimidation is good.
7) Henry VIII. For fame alone, it's cool to have Henry in your army, but the guy had a successful military career, participating in at least two successful sieges. Then, of course, came all the politics and wife murdering.  You gotta think he'd be a fun guy to hang out with at the end of the day.
6) Raymond IV of Toulouse. This guy sieged the shit out of everything. Besides being one of the leaders of the First Crusade and successfully sieging Jerusalem (and being offered the crown) he sieged Antioch and Tripoli on the way by.
5) Conan from Conan. Trust me, you fucking want Conan. Dude will kill and fuck everything. Just watch your arse.
4) Genghis Khan. Millions killed. Millions united. 16 million living descendants. And he preached religious tolerance. Genghis was the best.
3) Captain James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek. This is a track record vote. Kirk never lost, ever. If you're in a fight of any kind, you want Captain Kirk
2) Alexander the Great. Again, the choice of Alexander is an easy one because of his unbeaten record. Besides, Alexander was taught by Aristotle and may have had the greatest military mind of all time.  It is said he once killed an entire village with his own hands as a tribute to a friend. That has nothing to do with being smart, but wow. Just, wow.
1) King Arthur. You know he brings all those awesome knights and a huge reputation. But he did fight back the Angles and the Saxons and unify the kingdoms. And he had a legendary hot wife.

Short Answer: Besides Kurgan being sort of immortal (you aren't immortal if there's a 'way' to kill you), I avoided super powers. Things get stupid when you include super powers.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Question: Do you think that mountains are the world's pimples?

Intriguing. Let's take a good, hard scientific look at this hypothesis.

Poop bum farts.

I see, I see. I think that maybe mountains are the worlds mountains and that pimples are gross and not to be discussed in polite company.

I say good day to you, sir.

Short Answer: I said good day!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Question: Could you make a Top Ten list of Top Ten lists?

Top Ten Top Ten Lists

10) Top Ten Things Babies Won't Put in Their Mouths
9) Top Ten Dog Balls
8) Top Ten Scarecrow Impressions
7) Top Ten Means to an End
6) Top Ten Regrettable Statues
5) Top Ten Lopan References in Pop Culture
5) Top Ten Out of Toilet Paper Tricks
4) Top Ten Salma Hayek Cleavage Pics
3) Top Ten Cutest Puppies
2) Top Ten Regional Hot Dogs
1) Top Ten Reasons to Read Ask Keith Anything!

Short Answer: I'm a whore. (Lopan is the bad guy in Big Trouble in Little China, by the way. And I just Lopanned the shit out of this question.)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Question: Is there a correlation between the advent of Shape-Ups and the uprisings in North Africa?

Are there Kenyans in North Africa? Perhaps the fact that shoes will make people stronger at running angers the Kenyans, 'cause they're Kenyans and running good is all they have.

On a political note, farts.

Short Answer: Kenyans. (Note: Kenya is not in North Africa. Kenya is on the eastern side of the continent, but we both know that they can be in the north lickity split if they want to, 'cause of the running.) (Second Note: Shape-ups look like shoes for special people, and that could easily rile up any godfearing african.)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Question: What are your feelings concerning Writer's Block?

The fact that writer's block is capitalized here makes me fear that it is some sort of entity that I'm not aware of. Perhaps in rural Connecticut there's a building on the corner of Some Street and Someother Street where only writers live and/or congregate and I'm supposed to weigh in on its existence. So just in case, if this is some proper noun, the answer is, I think Writer's Block sucks and is pointless.

Moving on. Writer's block, as in writers saying they can't write, is bullshit. If you've run out of ideas, then you were never a writer to begin with, if you ask me. Being a writer is two things: the craft and the creativity. You can have the creativity without the craft and be an 'idea man' and sit on your ass doing nothing, or you can have the craft and not the creativity and get 'writer's block'. There are times when working on a project that you may get stumped and have to figure something out, but that's not writer's block, that's stopping the finger work to do the mind work. Writer's block is an excuse for people who don't want to write or don't know what to write, or have some other emotional block/tragedy that they're dealing with. Writing, just like anything else on the planet, is habit forming when done regularly. Believing in writer's block, as a true writer, is like believing in 'shower block' 'cause you haven't wanted to bathe in days. But if you bathe regularly, shower block doesn't come up, now, does it?

Short Answer: I don't bathe regularly.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Question: Which animal could give the lion a run for its money as 'king of the jungle'.

Seeing how a lion just lies around all day doing nothing and then wanders off to fuck whoever he wants, I'd say Hugh Hefner would be a pretty solid candidate. Though I also imagine that's how Jeff Goldblum lives.

Lions are incredible because they look super bad ass, but the chicks do all the work for them. It's like they're stuck in the fifties.

But I suppose you want an animal answer. In terms of coolness, clearly wolves are also the shit, but they don't really live in the jungle. Wait, do lions even live in the jungle? You only ever see them on dusty plains lying beneath that one tree. I don't know, I guess the kings of the actual jungle are all the fucking snakes and spiders.

In terms of straight up murderation, the top candidates would be crocs and alligators. They're basically flattened out dinosaurs and they still kill somewheres around a thousand people worldwide every year. Sharks kill about three if you want a measuring stick. And the deadliest animal is the damn hippopotamus, probably because people think they're cute and get too close, and then they're right next to a pissed off mack truck. But the hippopotamus can't be king of the jungle; it's too adorable.

They answer is gorillas, of course. 'Cause they're pretty much us without impulse control. Think of how much you'd dominate your office if every time you did what you thought of doing, like pulling Cathy's ponytail out of her stupid head or wrapping Steven's sweater vest in a tourniquet around his skinny neck, you weren't reprimanded but respected. People would fear you and you could climb atop your cubicle and beat your chest wildly with little recourse from the peasants. You'd be king.

Short Answer: The big ass gorilla.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Question: What is a good and catchy idiomatic expression to describe extreme exhaustion?

Top Ten Idiomatic Expressions for Extreme Exhaustion

10) I've got 'romantic eyelids'.
9) 'Riding the express train to blankyville'.
8) I'm gonna 'piss the nest'.
7) 'I'm so hungry I could eat a nap'.
6) Anyone else 'shitpooped'?
5) I'm goin' for an 'alien assrape'.
4) Time to 'fuck the sandman'.
3) Just gonna close my eyes and 'play on the carousel with the gilded rabbit'.
2) I'm so ready to 'pay the hookers'?
1) I've got a wicked 'pillow boner'.

Short Answer: Don't take too long trying to figure out #3, it just means it's time for dreamy sleep.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Question: I sleep with a blanky...I'm almost this weird?

Weird in the sense that you're the only person on the planet in your age group that would even admit to such atrocity?


But weird in the sense that the world is a cruel and terrible place and if in all the chaos one can find any single thing to lend comfort and make him feel like everything is going to be alright then he should cling to it with talon like fingers as if he were carrying his baby bird across a gulf of fire?

It's still a little weird, man. Here's the thing. You can get away with this if it's not the same blanky. Nobody should be rubbing up against a twenty-five year old filth and sweat rag. But if you're adult enough to buy new blankys for yourself, at least there's a grown up approach there. It shows you've accepted your quirk and understand its significance, but you're not going to be a real freak about it.

Whatever makes you happy, as long as it doesn't gross me out.

Short Answer: We all have weird shit. Some have weirder shit than others. For example, I don't really like hot tubs. In fact I don't like anything that promises a future chore. I get wet, then I gotta dry myself later. Boooo!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Question: What do you think the future of the music industry looks like?


Kesha is famous.

The end is nigh.
(I was going to spell her name with the dollar sign, but I just couldn't. I don't get it. She's not pretty or talented.)

I guess you meant 'cause of Internet piracy and lack of record sales and shit like that, right? Well, people have linked their lives to music since the beginning of time when some cavedude first rapped a cavechick on the noggin with his club and liked the sound a whats he heard. That will never change. Perhaps, and god forbid, musicians might make a little less money then they did a generation ago, but that's no big deal. Lots of jobs fluctuate in pay. Tannery Mopper Upper used to be a good job; now its hard to find a single TMU in the phonebook. (Do we still have phone books?)

People will still pay as long as greedy assholes find new and exciting ways to make them pay, and there are no shortage of greedy assholes.

Short Answer: I wish there were less greedy assholes. And more cobblers. Shit needs cobblin'!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Question: Would you rather have no hands or no feet?

The drawbacks to either are plentiful and terrifying.

One the one hand (takes five minutes to laugh hysterically) if you had no feet you couldn't kick any one's ass.  I mean, metaphorically you still could, but what I mean is that you couldn't threaten anyone with an ass kicking, 'cause they'd laugh at you and call you a homo. People can be so cruel.

On the other hand (seriously, this stuff is gold) if you had no hands you couldn't jerk it.

Now, if the shoe was on the other foot (I'm gonna shit myself with self-love) you'd have to consider tangible thinks like walking, driving, operating heavy machinery and needlepoint. But I don't care 'bout that stuff.

For me, the answer is simple. I'd much rather be able to grab stuff then kick stuff. I don't want to have to use my elbows to eat cereal.

Short Answer: No feet. Just tie some roller skates to my stumps, baby.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Question: What are the animals in the zoo thinking?

Wait a second. Haven't I been here before? This cage looks familiar. Dammit. Oh, well. Hey, a food bowl. Now I don't have to go hunting anyway. This is actually a pretty sweet set up. Hey, who the fuck are all these idiots? They make money off of this shit? That's weak. What's my cut? Free food and health care. Okay, okay, I can get behind that. So when do we get the TV installed? And does this place have wifi or...What? What do you mean no TV? Are you fucking kidding? How am I going to watch Designing Women? Noooooooooo!

Short Answer: I think most animals forget shit pretty quick. They probably think every corner of their cage is somewhere they've never been. Still, zoos are kinda weak.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Question: How many lightbulbs does it take to screw your wife?

Three. Or two if you can find another way to keep her mouth shut.

Short Answer: Really, it would only take one, 'cause she's little.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Question: Why are there so many friggin' reality shows?

TV programming, in the first place, preys on our need to escape from our dreary lives. Although shows like Roseanne allowed us to sit back and judge the shit outta some poor fat people, it just wasn't enough.  To feel completely entertained and extracted from our daily bullshit, we need to judge real people, and quickly.  God forbid we'd have to be responsible for our behavior.

Again, anonymity is the real key here. Judging anyone, as long as you're not getting any crap in return, is like found money. We can't get enough of it, whether it's bitchy brides, horrendous housewives or Survivor 100: My Dirty Kitchen.

Short Answer: Reality TV is like reality, but when people get hurt, you're allowed to laugh.  That's why it's so popular.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Question: Science is to Now as Alchemy is to (...........)? Please explain any viable responses.

Premature ejaculation. 'Cause people always think they got everything figured out.

Gold. 'Cause science wants answers now and alchemy wants answers gold.

Then. You know.

Your mom. 'Cause I want your mom now.

Philosopher's Stone. 'Cause Philosopher's Stone.

Lazy answers. Poop, boobs, sac lunch.

The Future. Yea...the future.

Lead. 'Cause superman can't see through the 'now'. That's why he's so irrelevant, and why no one cares about his movies and then when they try to make new movies they make him look stupid and do the same old crap again.

Short Answer: None of these make any sense except 'Then'. I'm aware. If you want smart answers go to hell.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Question: Is there a culinary tour in Canada that you would wish to take?

I don't know what a culinary tour is.  Is that where they take you to places with good food and give you said good food?  I would like that.  I'd like to take that everywhere.

Can you get live cobra hearts in Canada?

Short Answer: You know what's good in Canada? Meat. Let's go there for that.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Question: Where HAVE all the flowers gone?

Alright, you don't need to yell. 

You know that place where your socks go? Albany, New York? That's where.

I'm just kidding. What a silly answer.

The flowers are mostly in space because of intergalactic pollinating fromops from the planter Underjuice.

Could you imagine?

It's probably just winter where you are. They'll be back, I assure you.  Those bastards!

Short Answer: Metaphorically speaking, they've gone into the gardens of the top one percent, the people who own most of the wealth and can afford gardeners. Even ones that aren't Mexican. Dunt-dun-dahhhh! (That was supposed to be the sound of a dramatic finish.)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Question: Is there really anything wrong with George Lucas re-editing his films?

Surprisingly, no. I know that some people claim that once 'art' is created and released into the world it belongs to the people, but does it? And it's not like he took the Mona Lisa and drew a mustache on it. Scripts and movies go through so many versions, changes and cooks in the kitchen, that they're hardly static at any point.  Why should that be any different once they've achieved success? Why does a fan base turn something static?

Answer me!

He can do whatever he wants, release as many versions as he wants.  When he crosses the line, is when he decides that any one version is no longer representative of the work, and doesn't allow the fans access to it.  Draw a mustache all you want, but you don't have to draw it on every photograph ever taken of the painting.

Did my metaphor just get out of hand?

Answer me!

Short Answer: It would be easier to forgive Lucas if he'd just do something else, something that wasn't Star Wars affiliated.  Like a cookbook. No wait, it'd be Cooking With Droids. He should just stop.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Question: Why is my computer so slow?

Large hogged ram gremlins.

Short Answer: Nice try, gremlins. I know this is you! Trying to get me to give a bullshit answer... I'm on to your large hogged shenanigans!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Question: Why do pigeons bob their heads when they walk?

'Cause they're rockin' out.

Or they're getting their groove on.

Or they're high.

Do you have a groove song? One that you think of when it looks like someone is grooving but you can't hear the music? Bring that up when you see a pigeon walking, it's fun. By the way, mine's the beginning part of Thriller, the music, of course, not the theatrics. Like in the first verse. Explaining.........

If you really don't know what I'm talking about, next time Phantom Menace is on TV, turn down the volume and just watch Jar-Jar Binks walkin' around.  That will make you hear your groove song.  (Note: don't watch too much of the movie, though, or you'll trigger your gag reflex.)

Short Answer: Pigeons like to poop on you.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Question: Did God give rock and roll to us, like Kiss said?

(This post was done yesterday, but I had some computer problems. My apologies. Wait, no, go fuck yourself.)

Most of the things that Kiss said are true.  Here's a list.

Top Ten Things Kiss Said That Are True
You Wanted the Best Lyrics, You got the Best Lyrics

10) "You'll be a hard luck woman, baby till you find your man."
9) "Whiplash, heavy metal accident."
8) "So call me Dr. Love. They call me Dr. Love. I am your doctor of love."
7) "I don't usually say things like this to girls your age..."
6) "You gotta lose your mind in Detroit Rock City."
5) "Get up and get your grandma outta here."
4) "The spell you're under will slowly rob you of your virgin soul."
3) "Eat it like a piece of cake."
2) "She wears her satin like a lady."
1) "I wanna hear it loud."

Short Answer: I thought this list would be really fun, and I like Kiss, but it was hard to find good lyrics. They rock it in a pretty straight forward fashion.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Question: What will you do when you've answered all the questions?

You'll get to see a man vomit, poop, sneeze and look resigned all at once for the first time in the history of the world.

Short Answer: Crocodile tears.