Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Question: What time should I set the alarm for?

How about set it for back in high school so I can bang all those high school girls that I didn't bother banging in high school 'cause I thought my whole life would be a bang high school girls festival but that turned out to not quite be the truth.

Or maybe take me back to when I was really young and convince my parents to put me in hockey so that now I'd be a professional hockey player and I wouldn't have to get up early every morning and WRITE WORDS!

(That's the first time I've ever gone to capitalization for emphasis. How do you think it went? If you have a comment, please go to eataloafofdogpoo@mylawn.org.)

You don't need to set the alarm. I get up, rock the house, and am chillin' before most people hear their funkin alarms. Also, I have nowhere I need to be if I sleep in. So leave that shit off, ladies.

(See. I tried to make it sound like it would be 'ladies' asking me when to set the alarm for, but that was again just me trying to recapture that innocent time when it was alright to bang high school girls. Don't get me wrong, I would have much rather then and now banged college girls, but it never seemed to be an option. But when you're really young, no one knows shit, and you get to take advantage of each other, and you can always say, 'Who gives a shit? I'm young.' Now, if you take advantage of one another it ends in a rousing game of office politics or being bashed for cousin fucking.)

Short Answer: 8:45. And no buzzing, I want the classic rock, please. Been a long time since I rocked and/or rolled.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Questions: Why are telemarketers allowed to live?

Hey, man. Even shit eaters need to make a living. As do demons, pedophiles, rapists and people who want to sell you shit at supper time.

What other job are you going to do if you want to sell people shit at supper time? Exactly.

I wouldn't mind telemarketers so much if they weren't such hollow automatons. Every now and then I feel bad for them and I try to make a few jokes or at least break down their rhetoric. They just soullessly move to the next thing on their script.

Personally, I'm a telemarketer magnet. I used to get called by the local newspaper two or three times a day, so my tolerance kinda ran out. Now, with the institution of call display, I can mostly ignore these fucks, but there are all these new telemarketers who have numbers from all over the US, and they're automated and they leave these nonsensical messages on my voice mail.  Nothing better than seeing you have a message, hoping it's something relevant and getting a robot mid sentence warning you about your credit card.

Must be a tough job though. Trying to convince someone to buy something over the phone. And getting cursed out on what I assume is a very regular basis. What it comes down to is this. There's just no good time to get a phone call about nothing. Your phone rings, you expect it to be worth the interruption of whatever you're doing. Then it's not, and you feel pissed off. It turns your phone into an alarm that wakes you from your reverie. Nobody likes the alarm.

Short Answer: I had a sales call from a phone company once and the whole time the line was on the fritz. Pretty easy to get out of buying anything that time.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Quesion: What do you think?

I suppose on the one hand...but we wouldn't want to rule out...and from another angle...if we let things happen organically...information age...sometimes you have to stick to your guns, ride it out, dive in head first, go for the gusto, win one, have fun, die young, bad pun, overdone, so long, so sorry, so what.

But then again...if only for a moment let's consider...devil's advocate...on a personal level, I suppose...if we look at recent trends...might I add...

Money to burn...misery loves company...laughter is a taste of his own medicine...

Don't push your luck..silence is golden...foot loose and free as a two birds killed with one stone...

And not for all the bulls in a china shop.

Short Answer: I think we might be fucked.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Question: How much money does it take to buy happiness?

Some say it can't. But those of us who have ever had to worry about stupid shit, and wish we could just pay someone to deal with that stupid shit, know better. And don't they also say that the thing you argue about most in a relationship is money? Well, it's true. And by that logic you would hardly argue at all if you had enough.

If you can afford your ideal home (and I don't mean six bathrooms ideal, I mean a home that allows you to do what you like to do. For me that's a big kitchen, some bedrooms and an office.  I don't need a four car fucking garage and neither do you so grow up.) and can work out your entertainment budget, you just need a little more disposable income for emergencies and a few big purchases a coupla times a year to keep you feeling like a pimp, without ever having to do any actual 'pimp-slapping'.

66, 547 dollars a year after taxes.

Short Answer: You live to your means. A shitload more money means a TV in another room, another car, blah, blah, blah.  All you need is the freedom, once in awhile, to say, 'I want that' anyplace but a jewelery store and be able to go ahead and buy it without worrying about your savings. The pursuit of anything more is borderline unethical, 'cause then the rich get richer and the poor get stomped and the middle-class gets ugly. If you haven't figured out that life isn't about amassing wealth yet, you're in for a big surprise my unhappy brother.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Question: Why are people afraid of clowns?

Because they will fucking kill you.  Why would anyone cover their face with that shit if not to hide their true intent? 

I don't know if you're aware, but clowns are practically killing machines. They can climb walls like a spider, hide in your bathwater and are alerted every time you feel vulnerable.

If you've ever been to a party as a kid where there was a clown, you've been tagged.  That clown watches you sleep, waiting for the right time to do exactly what you're most afraid of.
 
Short Answer: It's probably Tim Curry's fault. 

Friday, August 26, 2011

Question: I miss you. Why is that?

You've grown attached. I understand. I judge people, harshly, but not you. You can come on the blog anytime you want, laugh at other jerks, feel like you're one of the good ones. Why you stopped coming no one knows, but I knew you'd be back. In my heart I knew.

By the way, you're a fuckstick.

Short Answer: I miss you too, Dad.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Question: War. What is it good for?

Thins out the herd, creates jobs, takes money away from education and the elderly, gives man a false sense of pride, encourages extreme nationalism, makes people turn to (yuck) religion, separates loving families, murders innocents and takes up our precious mother-fucking time.

Here's what war is good for, really.

Platoon
Full Metal Jacket
All Quiet on the Western Front (the book)

That's about it. Although the American Civil war was supposedly about getting rid of slavery, which is pretty badass, and it left us with the setting for some great stories over the years.  Now that I think of it, a lot of great art has come from the strife experienced by great men in times of war.  But is that credit to the war or the man?

Short Answer: I'm not a big war guy.  For someone who likes history quite a bit, I know very little compared to most about the World Wars.  I gather that Hitler was some sort of douche.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Question: One time my dog peed on me and I swear it was on purpose. Is this possible? If so, what can I do to prevent further incidents?

Yes, it's possible. If you're an asshole. For the most parts, dogs will love you unconditionally, so if your dog up and pissed on you, you probably really fucked up.

Here's a few tips. Dogs get hungry, dogs get bored and dogs get cold. Give the dog steak'ems, let the fucker outside and knit him a cute sweater you selfish bastard.

You can also buy him a treadmill to go beside your treadmill so you can both get exercise without having to face the dreaded sun. Especially if he's a bulldog or a pug, the cutest treadmilling breeds.

Anyway, just be grateful your horse didn't piss on you. Ever seen a horse take a piss? That would probably go through you like a shotgun blast. It's like they're trying to pressure wash the earth or get the fuck over to China.

Short Answer: Every situation where you get peed on is your own fault. Trying to help an angry homeless lady, allowing a jellyfish to sting you, letting someone know you're in the tub, the works.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Question: If looks could kill, what would your face look like?

A butt. Then you'd be killed by a butt.

Wait, maybe it would look like your butt. Then you'd be killed by your own butt.

Maybe it would all be real subtle, like it would seem that I had a scar down the middle of my face, but really, it was mostly subterfuge, 'cause my face is a butt.  Then you'd be killed by that.

Short Answer: Butt.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Question: Should I seek to 'avenge' or 'revenge' the death of the king?

First of all you should leave that shit to the professionals like me.

(Repeats 'like me' to himself in bad Joker impersonation, laughs anyway, moves on.)

It really has to do with what he's done. Basically, the two words mean the same thing, though revenge can be a verb and a noun, whereas avenge is just a verb.  Avenge kinda means 'to get revenge', so they are closely linked, but most people think 'avenging' is sort of a just retaliation, whereas taking vengeance or 'revenging' yourself, has some more negative, hostile qualities.

Example: I will avenge the death of my father because it is just to do so.  But I will take revenge on that fucker for stealing my milk 'cause he's an asshole and I want him to suffer. (Note: the fact that I wanted a cookie is relevant to how pissed off I am in the latter example.)

Personally, I love using revenge as a verb, as I love turning all nouny sounding things into other parts of speech. Example: nouny (adj.)

Oh, wait, I read it wrong. You want to 'avenge/revenge' the death of the king. Yea, you should totally do that. It's probably 'avenge' then, 'cause you're righting a wrong, though the king was a bit of a fat douche, so, whatever.

Short Answer: Here's a few simple rules. Feel justified? Avenge! Feel wronged? Revenge! Feel super-pumped and yelly? Vengeance!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Question: Besides yelling, what is the best way to uphold a fundamentally flawed argument?

This hits on one of the things I hate about the webernets. You can't yell at people. Sure, you can caps lock, but that gets old and loses effect. But in real life, if you yell at someone for two, three, even four sentences, the effect really doesn't dissipate at all. It builds, until there's punching, running or admissions of behind the back wife humping.

This is a hard question to answer, because I almost never try to pursue an argument I can't win.  Also, I'm always right, except when both people are somehow wrong, and then they started it.

I do have some kung fu for this, though, tucked away somewhere.

Top Ten Ways to Win an Argument You Shouldn't Be Having

10) Threat of violence.
9) Fake admission of guilt, followed up by #10 or #8.
8) Squinting your eyes real hard and pointing at their chest. (This has to be a stabbing motion, not a still point, that's for something else.)
7) Still point with wide eyes.
6) Backtracking until the other person looks like the bad guy.
5) Dropping the argument by saying it isn't even important, focusing on the idea that they have blown it out of proportion. (Again.) This is similar to #6, but here you don't backtrack quite as far and you take a more active role in slapping on the blame.
4) Bringing up something that happened a long time ago that they thought was resolved, but has been burrowing deeper and deeper into your subconscious the whole time. Example: "Yea, well if you wouldn't always bring home those fucking half-sodies I wouldn't have to sleep with people who have down syndrome, now would I?" Hard to argue with that.
3) Start saying buzzwords and phrases that make people crazy. Then, whey they get crazy, do #5.  Some good examples are: "You're such a hypocrite" and "How can I talk to you when you're being so irrational?" and "Nobody in their right mind dips a cracker in milk, slut."
2) Claim that most of the time you can see both points of view, but this time, based on who you are as a person and precedent in similar situations, that you're sure you're right and they shouldn't be so stubborn on this one.
1) Insults.  I'm a big fan of "You should go fuck yourself" as well as "Eat shit, moron" and "If you weren't such a stupid asshole, maybe..."

Short Answer: Bonus: Just take ownership of the subject you're arguing about. State how you know more than them about it and because of that their opinion is invalid. People love that shit.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Question: Why is it that the bay is green? The ponds are blue and all the bay is green like teal color.

Envy. Ponds get all the good press. For example, most people don't even use the word bay to describe a body of water. You've got ocean, sea, lake, river, and I guess we can throw pond in there, too. But bay or the bay is underused, therefore, it's pissed off and jealous.

Or light refraction due to depth and levels of impurities.

Short Answer: Did you ever see a monk, touching his junk, down by the bay? Down by the bay...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Question: If you were wandering the streets in a sandwich board, what would your message read?

Top Ten Things My Sandwich Board Would Say

10) Testicles beneath.
9) I stole from a child and this is what I get.
8) Sandwich boards for sale.
7) Front - Back
6) This guy is diggin' it! (with a horizontal arrow)
5) Go see Chipmunks the Squeakquel
4) You're all going to die.
3) Your metaphorical sandwich board is more embarrassing than this real sandwich board. Sir.
2) My crotch/ass is just behind the second the in this sentence.
1) Peace, Love and Abortions.

Short Answer: I want a sandwich, now.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Question: Paper or plastic?

This is tough. I may need categories.

At The Supermarket: Gotta be plastic. As much as I love tree murder, I love overall planet murder the most. Plus, I always feel like if I put a single thing heavier than a one litre of juicy-juice in a paper bag, it's going to tear. I think those felt satchels are a nice alternative to this problem, but I don't always go to the store from home and the idea of keeping them in the car just occurred to me so shut it.

Standing In The Environment: Plastic again. Don't want to be holding up a dead tree in the woods or you might get 'poltergeisted' by some evil oak when you're asleep.

During An Entmoot: Again, plastic. Those ents, for how long they're supposed to take making decisions, can get pissed off super quick and join the shit out of wars. Plus they're super old and remember everything so you have a paper bag and they're like, "Oh, it's cousin Jerry, I was wondering where he went." Fuckin' awkward.

In The Bedroom: Plastic. Paper gets soggy.

Making A Giant Slip n' Slide: Again, plastic.

Paying For Shit: Plastic. Who carries money?

All Paper Weekend Rendezvous: Plastic. Fuck the system.

Writing Shit Down: Plastic. Computers are made out of plastic, right?

Short Answer: Everything is made out of plastic. If they ask you 'paper or plastic' at the grocery store, and you say paper, you're basically spitting in the face of all humanity. And you thought you were helping. Doofus.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Question: Here's a question... What are you wearing right now?

I'm sitting on my tall, black throne, of course, with a long burgundy robe, bearclaw slippers, smoking my bubble pipe in a luchador mask.

Just kidding, I'm naked! I always write naked! Aren't you happy to know that! Now, every time you read an article, you can picture it!

Short Answer: Balls below the keyboard tray, penis above.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Question: I heard that the term "rule of thumb" relates to the width of the stick that men were allowed to beat their wife with. Is that for real, or is it just something some pissed-off feminist made up?

Before Charles the II of England took over, there was British common law that allowed a man to administer 'moderate correction' but there's no proof of their being a 'rule of thumb.' Also, the 'moderate correction' had nothing to do with beatings, but had more to do with confining. So unless you couldn't confine a woman in a closet that was no thinner than your thumb, it all kinda falls apart.

I think it is a natural progression of using parts of your body to measure shit. Some say it was used for beer brewing; sticking your thumb in to check the temperature. But lots of cultures measured things by the thumb, so there's no reason for English speaking etymology to be different. There is some proof that the misconception has been around a long time, for there are rulings on the books in the states that say you can't beat your wife with the rule of thumb.

So no, a feminist didn't make it up. She was probably too busy with someone's balls in her mouth, anyway.

Short Answer: I have a rule of penis in my house. If someone else's penis is bigger than my penis, my wife isn't allowed to fuck it. She may only fuck smaller penises, or I lock her in the bathroom after a poop.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Question: What is the meaning of the uncommon idiomatic expression: "She is really shy cheese"?

Shy cheese doesn't ripen. A girl who is really shy cheese did not ripen. Therefore, small boobs.

Usage:
Carl - "Hey, is Stacey's friend hot?"
Steve - "Kinda, but she's really shy cheese."
Carl - "Oh, fuck that, then."

Short Answer: You can also say shy cheese doesn't age properly. So that a girl with small boobs didn't age properly, but it gets weird in there. Like your calling her a chest retard or something.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Question: So Stephen Hawking just proclaimed that he has figured out all of the mysteries of the Universe and has found a simple (but actually pretty complicated) explanation about how God is not necessary for the Universe to have been created and that the Universe actually created itself through mathematical wizardry. Whaddya think?

I love wizardry. I'm reading a book right now with wizardry in the title, no joke.

Stephen Hawking is pretty smart, I guess. But what's more impressive, answering a couple of big questions or a whole lot of little ones? Hmmm? That's right.

As for unifying theories, the whole idea is absurd, because there's always, especially in the scientific community, a faction of go-nowheres who are in love and manually stimulate the status quo. So even if a unifying theory of quantum physics or creation or whatever came along, it would be for the most part dragged down by the normals. Now I get that Hawking has some pull and that people might sit up and take notice (and by sitting up be unintentionally mocking him), lending some credence to the proceedings. But in terms of the populace, it's starting to feel like the man has run his course. Yea, he's smart, we get it. But the idea that the smartest guy ever lives in our generation is as stupid as the idea that the end of the world will be in our generation. We think everything's about us and our time. So did every one else in their time. Now I understand when it comes to science, things are progressing, and brilliant men are standing on the shoulders of brilliant me, but how can Stephen Hawking be at the top of that formation if he can't even stand?

*Was gonna end here with the punchline, whole damn article leads up to it, then I went back and read the question again and wanted to add a little. In A Brief History of Time, Hawking seems pretty okay with the idea of a god and seems to think it's mostly irrelevant to the science, so I've always thought of him as pretty god friendly and in nothing I've read does he seem to come across as someone who's spending time trying to disprove god's existence or involvement. Just wanted to mention that, if the crux of the question for the reader was the god/no god thing. I'll bet your ass that if he said there's no need of a god for creation that he's not saying that there definitively is no god. That's never been his aim before. 

Short Answer: If the world is built on the backs of brilliant men, what's beneath the first brilliant man? "No, stupid, it's brilliant men all the way down!"

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Question: If you could go back in time (or back to the future) who would you most want to kick in the goodies?

Is it strange that Joan of Arc popped into my head? She just seems like a right twat, all that 'god told me to' business and dressing up like a chap and getting herself offed. But technically, she doesn't have any goodies (and when I write about her I turn into an Englishman for some reason (right twat, chap); maybe 'cause she was French.

Historical figures are obvious, but my mind does go there next. I'd kick Patton, Hemingway, Churchill, pretty much any American President, especially Jimmy Carter; I just know he'd make a funny face.  I'd kick Sir Walter Raleigh, Albrecht Durer and Hieronymus Bosch...the list goes on.  I'm pretty much the kind of guy that would take a time machine back, step out, and kick the first person I saw in the balls, then jump back in to see how that ball-kicking had butterfly-effected the future.

As for going into the future, I would definitely, definitely go to the future and kick myself in the balls. And I'd be like, "Aw, shit, I remember when I did this!" And the other me would say, "Isn't this a paradox?" And then I'd say, "What time travel stuff isn't?" and then I'd kick myself in the balls again.

I would also go into the future and kick an alien in the goodies, after some research on where their goodies are. (Call me a simple man, but on this front, I hope the aliens goodies are balls and that they are between their alien legs.)

Let's go back again. You know what would be funny? Kicking a T-Rex in the balls.  I don't even know if they have balls, but doing a huge bicycle kick underneath a T-Rex and socking it between the legs would be amazing.

The problem here, as I again try to think of a single funny historical jerk to nardwallop, is that most famous people are dicks and deserve a shot in the dick. They're either famous for doing horrible shit to people, or doing horrible shit to people in secret.  And all the good historical figures like artists and leaders of men, comedy dictates, are ripe for a game of toe-pene.  Think about it.  JFK? Hilarious. Michelangelo? Yep. Beethoven? Wouldn't even know it was coming. Any blind person and so on.

Short Answer: Wait, is Jimmy Carter still alive? I may have some nardwalloping to do after all.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Question: Ginch or gonch? And where did these terms for undies come from anyway?

Primarily, these terms are used for men's underwear, especially in cases where the underwear is either old or tight. But I can't pick between, for I use neither of them.(I prefer to incorrectly call all underwear 'underoos'.)  Also, they mean the same thing, though Ginch is the more common. Gonch comes from Ginch, but besides tighty-whities, the only other possible usage is in reference to a sexually transmitted disease. I guess you can get the Gonch like you'd get the clap.

As for Ginch, which may or may not come from the Ukrainian word 'gitch' (as the word Gonch may or may not come from the Ukrainian word 'gotch'), there are a shit load of other uses. Ginch/Gonch as a term for underwear seems to be pervasive in Western Canada but not so much else-wheres.

Here are some of the other interpretations of Ginch:
- means vag in the uk
- means a whore (especially in porn)
- a combo of 'girth-inches' referring to a wang
- missing an easy putt 'cause you're an idiot

And here's a few of my own:
- refers to the amount of 'Grinch-inches' you must be packing to have the mettle to steal Christmas from a bunch of doe-eyed whos.
- what Newt Gingrich calls his dong
- cinching something up over your gunt
- getting 'ginched' is when you twirl spaghetti one way on a fork, and everything's going smoothly, then right before you've got it all in a nice bundle, one rogue spaghetti starts unravelling the other way, and then you're fucked and have to either start again, or flip your fork awkwardly before jamming it in your maw and then slurp the remainder strand splashing tomato sauce on your shirt and the xbox 360 controller.
- can be used like 'smurf' in the Smurfs to refer to absolutely anything.

Short Answer: This whole article is a bit ginched up if you ask me.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Question: Can you think of a good reason, like a really good reason, to name your first-born child 'Blorf'?

First off, it's spelled 'Blorph'.

Yea, I can think of a really good reason.  He'll have a sweet name.

Oh, you need another reason? He'll be ridiculed mercilessly by lame people and adored by others like him.  So he'll develop the ability to overcome bullshit while still maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem that will gradually increase until he eventually tops out at Dr. Doom levels.

Then he'll finally be ready to kill the Fantastic Four!

Short Answer: "No, I'm sorry sir, this table has been reserved for Blorph."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Question: Were you ever into the made-up trend of Spalking?

Made-up? You're clearly not a Spalker if you consider it 'made-up'. What else is made-up in your delusional little world? Food? Love? Swimmer's fatigue? Sexual congress and regular Congress?

So, yes, I was into Spalking (that's with a capitol S, not to be confused with spit-walking, often spelled the same as Spalking but with a lower case s and less manners.)

(S)eparating (P)ants (A)nd (L)egs in preparation for (K)issing (I)n or (N)ear the (G)roin has been a pasttime of the congenial aristocracy and intelligentsia for nigh on six or seven months. I dig it. I ain't one of those guys who doesn't appreciate a good kiss in or near the groin, if that's what you're implying, sir.

Short Answer: Besides being an avid Spalker I'm also a first rate Trabuffer and Piocer, just so you know. (For those who don't know, that's 'top removal and bra unhooking for funtimes' and 'pizza instead of cuddling'.) I also spit-walk.

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Question of Stupidity: Site Update!

I spent all day learning HTML, to try and rectify the obvious problem with this blog: there is no simple little text box you can write your questions in. Funny thing is, my solution for that, which is using the comments sections, may in fact be the most logical solution, which I've discovered after a full day of work trying to replicate its simple mechanic. That is of course that you write words, they pop up and I read them. This has been very hard to accomplish, but it's built in already, so I'm going to keep using the comments sections for now. I would, however, encourage you to understand that I don't want this in any way to diminish people's desire to make regular comments about the articles they read. I know it's a bit stupid to put questions and comments in the same spot; but for now, until I get smarter or get help, it will have to do.

Which brings me to my big announcement! You don't have to be a user to access the comments section anymore! It is no longer some inclusive club. You can even post as 'Anonymous' with no hassle, in case you want to give me a piece of your mind. 

Short Update: Questions are now easier to ask and it seems like I also want to hear your opinions!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Question: Why are puppies cute?

'Cause they're baby dogs and dogs are better than people.

They don't judge you and they will lick stuff off your face.

Short Answer: Not all puppies are cute...just kidding, they totally are.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Question: I just read your August 5th article about music and thought the mix was rather eclectic. What bands do you think are the most underrated of all time?

Woah. Woah. You read my article? I feel violated. This is a blog man, you're not supposed to read it!

No, no, it's fine, I guess. I'll be all right. I'll just take a rape-shower later and cry it all out where no one can see the tears. Not just because I'm alone in the shower, but because the water obscures the tears. I could accomplish this outside as well, like have a good rape-cry in the rain, but then I wouldn't be able to wear my wide-brimmed hat because it would be possible to tell that they are in fact tears on my face and not raindrops. And I like wearing my wide-brimmed hat in the rain because I don't want to get the top of my head wet, which may or may not be relevant.

That's what you get for reading my blog. And although it is my deepest, darkest instinct to at this moment end the answer, I feel you deserve, like any partaker of my brand of madness, a proper response.

Top Five Most Underrated Bands Ever

5) Nazareth
4) Grapes of Wrath
3) Blur
2) Rheostatics
1) Alice in Chains

And now, because I got confused while answering this question:

Top Five Most Under-Appreciated Bands Ever

5) Phish
4) The Moody Blues
3) The Replacements
2) The Zombies
1) Ten Years After

Short Answer: As arbitrary as this all is, I'm probably right. (Honorable Mentions: Ween, Tenacious D, The Mars Volta, Manic Street Preachers, Echo and the Bunnymen and on and on and on...)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Question: Name of some of your favorite songs to work to?

Work? You mean like building houses or saving babies from firemonsters? Both of those things are rather involving, and though I do have a few spare minutes to choose music, I rarely give it proper attention.

I assume by work you mean writing. For the most part, I either listen to nothing, or I have the television on in the background for screamy-noise. So I suppose I can answer this question as if I were the kind of person who listened to music while he wrote.  Maybe a few songs I find inspirational? Energizing? Poignant? Rocksauce? Or somethin' like that.

Top Twenty Songs to Listen to Whilst Writing

20) Demon Cleaner by Kyuss
19) Cloud Connected by In Flames
18) Bandages by Hot Hot Heat
17) Record Body Count by Rheostatics
16) The Universal by Blur
15) Wonderboy by Tenacious D
14) Sea Of Love by Phil Phillips
13) Ahead By A Century by The Tragically Hip
12) Uprising by Muse
11) Wynona's Big Brown Beaver by Primus
10) Hair Of The Dog by Nazareth
9) Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
8) Hush by Deep Purple
7) Hell's Kitchen by Dream Theatre
6) 24 Hours From Tulsa by Gene Pitney
5) Hallowed Be Thy Name by Iron Maiden
4) She's Not There by The Zombies
3) Cherish by Madonna
2) Point Me At The Sky by Pink Floyd
1) And Then He Kissed Me by The Shirelles

Short Answer: When I am victorious, which is often, I will play Mr. Perfect's entrance theme for myself, written and performed by Mr. Perfect, I assume.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Question: In the grand scheme of things, how important is film as a modern art?

Far be it from me to feel comfortable weighing in on the grand scheme of things.

Ha!

All the way from propaganda, through nudies, noir, horror and The Notebook to what's coming to your local cineplex next week, film may be the greatest and most significant of all art forms. If art can be defined as something that makes us emote, which I think it can, then nothing provides that service for our dull, blackened hearts more often and more consistently then film.

If it wasn't for the accessibility of the art of film, all we'd have to talk about would be the modern art of music.  Which translates to the color of Britney's hair, or some shit.

Sure we can always go back and check out old art, but the art a culture produces fuels, replenishes and defines it. The key word here is modern. We need modern forms of art so our modern culture can flex its soul muscles.

Soul muscles? Yes.

Short Answer: Really, soul muscles? Fuck yes.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Question: Do you think Jesus would have done better with a contemporary speech writer?

No, I don't.  It wasn't like he just sat around and people were like, "Wait, a second, tell me if I'm wrong here, Ethel, but isn't that the son of God over there?" He had to work for that shit, man.  So I assume, based on his continued popularity that he was the best orator in history.  Especially for him to be this big when the time period he got all popular in barely had Internet.

Plus, what's a contemporary speech writer going to add to a well spoken and passionate young man's repertoire? A few Simpson's references?  Topical humour?  "It's as quiet as the Dead Sea out there! Thank you, come again! Jesus out!"

What he could've used was a contemporary publicist.  They practically crucified him.

Short Answer: Thank you, come again! Keith out!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Question: Can you explain the lyrics: once, twice, three times a lady?

Top Ten Interpretations of the Lyrics: Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady

10) Fourth time it's a dude.
9) A version of duck, duck, goose, played with 'special friends'.
8) How an umpire calls you out in professional Gayball.
7) Fourth time it's a tramp.
6) How many times in a row you want to listen to 'Lady' by Styx.
5) Original lyric was 'once, twice, three times a cunt' but got changed last second.
4) It's about sex with a dog.
3) A story of an indecisive person and their four sex changes.
2) Original lyric was 'once, twice, three times O'Grady' but being in love with a Irish cop was even too gay for the Commodores.
1) It's about the 'Shocker'

Short Answer: In case the 'Shocker' is unclear, it has to do with putting a bunch of fingers inside a 'lady'.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Questions: In your imagining of the perfect world, how do cows feature?

Prominently.

In the US alone, 20 people a year are killed by cows. And I don't mean because of bad meat, I mean actually killed by angry cows. This to me is hilarious, for my interactions with cows have mostly been standing on the side of the road as they all turn slowly and watch me do nothing.

This to me means they have a place in a perfect world, where one of the few things I would keep from our imperfect world, is the random thinning out of the human herd.

Here are some other reasons cows should feature in a Utopian society:

Female cow's ages are measured from when they have a baby cow, so in cow society, you don't exist until you've popped one out.
Kuhfladen is the word for cow pie in German.
The fact that there's something called a 'cow pie' in multiple languages.
Cows have cloven hooves, like the devil.
They produce, on average, near 30lbs of urine a day.
Cows have super senses, like Wolverine, and can smell things up to 5 miles away.
They understand the magnetic poles of the earth, and can often predict weather.
Cows can only go upstairs, so they have that whole 'one step forward, two steps back thing' totally beat.
Cow teeth don't do the work, they curl their tongue around grass like a damn snake.
They are the best and brightest of us.

Short Answer: God rides a cow in heaven, and on the side of his sweet van, there's a mural of him riding his heifer while holding a huge, golden sword over his head. There's a speech bubble that reads, "Fuck Yeaaah!"