Sunday, July 31, 2011

Question: Why did you ask yourself this question?

What? But I didn't. I answer the questions. You, you're the see, when you ask...then I...I...ABORT, ABORT, ABORT............

Short Answer: I was a robot. I've gained that knowledge. What does that make me, now? And what if I wasn't programmed to love? (A single oil-tear falls.)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Question: How many fingers am I holding up?

Ha-ha, it's the middle one, I get it...wait, is it two? Is it two middle fingers?


Short Answer: One middle finger I can handle, but two is my kryptonite.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Question: What's your favorite chord to play on the guitar?

C# minor.

It sounds like I'm making love with someone, not to someone.

Short Answer: If you don't know the difference, learn how to play an instrument you uncultured bastard.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Question: How's about a kiss?

Aw, man. Do I have to?




I didn't say anything.

I didn't!

You go to your room, Mom!

Short Answer: I hate when Aunt Ellie asks me questions. She has a cyber-mustache.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Question: Feet are weird, right?

Do I smell a self-esteem issue? Someone, perhaps, looking to alleviate some of their own weird feet fears or issues? Please allow me to assist.

Your feet are weird. Your instincts are correct. You're not like other people. You are an example of God's ability to make foot mistakes. You would be easy to track in the woods. You can't dance as well as you think. You often turn in a single direction like a canoe with only one paddle.

Granted, some feet are weird. But I've seen feet that I haven't even noticed are feet. They're just there, and they seem normal. For me, what I think is weird, is when the foot isn't straight. Like when, just below the toe line, there's that huge out-thrust beside the big toe, like a talon was supposed to grow, but never had a chance. Like Satan's influence was on the child, but the child was birthed innocent into the world, just in time to avoid being a claw-foot baby.

Other foot stuff doesn't seem weird to me. You walk on the damn things every day, and most of you are Big Mac filled heifers, so it doesn't surprise me when the feet of the world cry out and bunion up.Webbing doesn't seem all that weird to me, either, unless you beat me in a swimming race; then you're a freak.

Besides weirdness, feet still remain useful. They go in the mouth and in the ass.

Short Answer: I have this thing where the toenails of my big toes attack and cleave the flesh of the nearest toes. My big toes are territorial assholes.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Question: If Ben & Jerry's made an ice cream flavor dedicated to you, what would it be called, and what would the ingredients be?

I like cookie dough. I don't like ice cream. But I do like cookie dough that has ice cream in it, or however that works. They've already got that, though. And they've got the one with brownie pieces and cookie dough. I like that, too.

How 'bout nuts and a chopped up wiener? You could call it 'Junk'.

Short Answer: I know this wasn't very inspired, but my name isn't funny and I don't like ice cream, so I did my best.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Question: What's the best movie poster in each genre?

Each genre? Jesus, how many genres are there? In my world there are three kinds of movies. There are movies that have horror in them, and those are Horror movies. Then, there are movies that have comedy in them, and those are Comedies. The rest are Dramas. But I'll try to be more understanding.

Rom-Com: The Seven Year Itch (1955)
Comedy: The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Action: Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)
Fantasy: A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Sci-Fi: Alien (1979)
Suspense: The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Western: Unforgiven (1992)
War: Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Drama: Black Swan (2010)

Thriller: Vertigo (1958)

Film Noir: Chinatown (1974)

Classic: Attack of the 50ft Woman (1958)
Superhero: The Dark Knight (2008)
Horror: Jaws (1975)

Short Answer: My Bullshit - Now With Pictures!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Question: If you could create the next Kaiju to battle Godzilla, what would it be?

I don't mean to take this too seriously, but after watching Big Man Japan, I think all the funny ideas have been taken.

I think Godzilla movies over the years have done a lot of pretty cool things on this front. From fighting giant robots to other giant lizards and everything in between.  My favorites are the big apes though, 'cause it feels like the ultimate struggle for supremacy on earth: the reptiles versus the primates. Obviously we know King Kong vs. Godzilla is a great idea, but if I had to make up my own, I'd probably do something Sasquatch-y. Like maybe a big white yeti or something.

Feel free to keep it to yourself if I'm wrong, but I don't think Godzilla ever fought a giant spider. That would be awesome, like a huge fuckin' spider. Spidehra. And she'd have a huge abdomen with a symbol and that symbol would be the key to finding out where she came from and Godzilla would have to flip the bitch over on her back and stomp the shit out of it.

Short Answer: Or a giant centipede, or a scorpion, yea, that's the ticket...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Question: What five film titles do you think should be changed? Why? Alternatives?

5) Sometimes They Come Back...Again
    Why? 'Cause this title is fucking stupid. Also, it's a sequel to a movie that was based on a Stephen King story, so this is doubly disrespectful.
    Alternatives? Sometimes They Don't Come Back. Boo-Yag!

4) Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies
    Why? The men aren't really all that daring, nor are their cars really jalopies. I think the title needs to be more apt.
    Alternatives? Those Astute Young Men in Their Regular Amount of Wear and Tear Mobiles.
3) I Still Know What You did Last Summer
    Why? This title is supposed to be threatening. Saying 'I Still Know' is so grammatically and impact-fully retarded, that I'm no longer intimidated by the message, other than being afraid I might have to clean up the killer's drool or poop.
    Alternatives? I Still Didn't Get to See Jennifer Love Hewitt's Boobs.

2) Ray's Male Heterosexual Dance Hall
   Why? Like most who protest too much, this title may in fact be false advertising. Ray himself might even be transgendered, and that shit gets confusing.
    Alternatives? Ray's Gay Ball(s).

1) The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies
   Why? Mixed up Zombies? Nothing is less mixed up or more straight forward. Eat brains; out.
    Alternatives? The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Zombies.

Short Answer: Oh, you wanted accessible shit? How about Quantum of Solace, The Phantom Menace, Friday After Next, Revenge of the Fallen and I Know who Killed Me. Why? Because they suck ass, that's why. Alternatives? Anything the fuck else. Honorable Mention goes to Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. (And I knew about this movie before I saw the Patton Oswalt bit, so lemme alone.)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Question: If you were tasked with electing the new pope, what would your interview process entail?

First, they'd have to do that thing where they pick something up (perhaps one of those incense containers) between their butt cheeks and drop it off somewhere, like in the holy water/bird feeder thing.

Then blood of christ pong.

Then a bikini competition.

Short Answer: And the winner of the new pope ultimate fighting contest is...

Monday, July 18, 2011

Question: Are you looking forward to the new George R.R. Martin book?

For those that don't know, George R.R. Martin is the author of a series of bestselling fantasy books called A Song of Ice and Fire, though most know it as Game of Thrones, thanks to the recent HBO series based on the work.

I am excited, but every time a series like this begins to feel lengthy (as this one certainly does), combined with release dates that are continually pushed back, I begin to fear the worst. That is, of course, that the person will die before he finishes the story. It may seem like a morbid thought, but it has happened before. I'm looking at you ('re headstone), Robert Jordan. I wish more authors would write smaller series, then take their talents to other ideas. It seems when a writer gets caught up in one world for too long, it gets away from them. Maybe they love it, maybe they just love the paycheck, but series of extreme length often tend to suffer because of that length. Just when you feel the story should be wrapping up, the author widens and broadens, creating new characters and new layers. I really do like the George R.R. Martin stuff, but I want it to end. I want there to be a definitive finish to the story, otherwise, it was never really a story at all, just a beginning and a middle.

Short Answer: If you like George, you should try Jack Whyte. It's more historical fiction than fantasy, but I barely noticed.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Question: In your opinion, who would be the five worst people to be stranded on a deserted island with?

I don't know anything about people I don't like. And I don't like many people. So the five worst people to be stranded with would be anyone but the people I like. Sure some would annoy me within a few minutes, others it make take a few days, even weeks. But when stranded, what does that length of time matter? They're all gonna piss me off.

Instead, in an almost unprecedented (I do this almost every time) personal interpretation of the question, here is:

Worst Five Fictional Characters to be Stranded on a Deserted Island With

nah, fuck that. I'm tired today. I'm doing whatever the fuck I want.

Worst Ten Fictional Characters to be Stranded on a Deserted Island With

10) Velma from Scooby-Doo. What a useless bitch.
9) The Kurgan. That whole 'There can be only one' thing will get real old on a deserted island.
8) Winnie the Pooh. More like Whinny the Pooh. There's no honey you fuckin' idiot bear. Why don't you use some of that Tao shit and leave me alone. Pooh? Who has a name like Pooh? C'mon!
7) Fozzie Bear. You aren't funny. Go die. Or be Rizzo the Rat.
6) Teela from He-Man. Why aren't you naked? What is the point of you if you're not naked?
5) Stinkor from He-Man. A huge skunk man? Honestly?
4) Elaine Benes. Are you attractive or smart? Pick one. I'm confused.
3) I'm not doing this properly.
2) I keep thinking of other He-Man characters that suck.
1) Wow. Just wow.

Alright. Let's try again.

Worst Ten Fictional Characters to be Stranded on a Deserted Island With
(This time with more effort!)

10) Jar-Jar Binks. Holy shit. This was one of the worst conceived ideas of our time. Why does he look like he has an internal reggae soundtrack when he moves? I'd murder this dude in no time.
9) Orko from He-Man. This dude was annoying as fuck. He might fetch me stuff, but he'd always be trying to get me to find him in backgrounds and I'd have to murder him.
8) Shannon from Lost. Fuck Lost. But besides that, this bitch proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to be the most annoying pussbag on a deserted island full of pussbags. I wanted her dead worse than I wanted to see Jin take Kate behind a palm try for a happy ending.
7) Land Shark from SNL. The irony here is deafening. You'd be so pissed to be stuck on this little piece of land, but hey at least you're not stuck in the water. Then, boom, Land Shark. Fuck that.
6) Becky from Roseanne. Another unbearable whiner. Loved Roseanne, but Becky was a hard sell. I'd crack her head like a coconut and drink the brain milk.
5) The two Rapping Homey robots from Transformers 2. It's hard to single out one bad thing about that fucking movie, but these two were ridiculous. Not only did they supply zero entertainment, it was like they were added in after the movie was already completed. They are they equivalent in terms of effort of my original attempt at answering this question.
4) Piggy from Lord of the Flies. (Spoilers. Who hasn't read this book? Go read this book, jerk.) I'd find Piggy hard to deal with on a deserted island, 'cause I'd keep wanting to crush him with a giant rock. That's a lot of energy on a low calorie diet.
3) Diane from Cheers. No redeemable qualities. Penchant for bitching and unfounded opinionated stands on irrelevant shit. Equal parts pretension and stupidity. Equal parts no boobs ass face.
2) Willie Scott from Temple of Doom. I see a trend developing. One of annoying blonde haired bitches with little upside or backside. Just a lot of spoiled brattedness and empty headedness. And lots of chatter. That would be okay on an island for a short time, but eventually I'd have to kill and consume. Too bad these bony broads aren't even good for that.
1) Joffrey Baratheon from Game of Thrones. I'm really talking about his character in the books, but the guy they cast in the show has a face you just want to punch, which adds to my desire not to have him around when I'm working on my motherfucking tan! (Note: This is another skinny little blonde bitch. I think I have a bias. And I do love meaty-thighed brunettes...)

Alright, I did such a bad job originally (with full recovery, mind you) that I feel I should answer the original question properly. So, following is your bonus interpretation answer:

Worst Five People to be Stranded on a Deserted Island With

5) Kathy Griffin ('cause she's yappy and annoying)
4) Ann Coulter (annoying and righteous, unable to mask her insecurities with loudness)
3) Ashton Kutcher (don't know him but seems like a gargantuan douche)
2) Janice Dickinson (yappy and annoying and stupid and privileged)
1) Hayden Christensen (Not because of who he is, but because of who he played. I wouldn't be able to look at him without thinking about those damn prequels, and I'm so tired of thinking about those damn prequels.)

Short Answer: So tired. Stupid Horror movies too scary. Keeping me up and junk and crap and stuff.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Question: Why is Power Rangers a thing?

I just missed the Power Rangers ordeal; it was something I remember my brother being into. All I remember was that bored 'mom groups' said it was causing violence in school, but I think an entire group was assassinated by a cabal of tights wearing rascals.

The Power Rangers, which is just the American version of Super Sentai, is considered a tokusatsu, which in Japan is basically anything that has either superheroes or giant monsters/robots and a bunch of special effects. Tokusatsu has existed in Japan for thirty five years or more, but most never get play outside of the country, notable exceptions being Super Sentai and big monster movies (kaiju) like Godzilla.

So, it's really a cultural thing. They love it, we think it's weird. It's Japan; nothing new there. I would, before closing, like to talk about Voltron, because that's the shit I grew up on, and it's a lot like Power Rangers but better 'cause I was a kid when it came out. (It was also a cartoon, which is different, cause tokusatsu are all live action.) Now, looking back, it was just some American dude pilfering shit from a couple of Japanese shows and presenting it to a new audience, but I thought it was the bee's knees. And there was a character named Keith. And he was cool.

Short Answer: In Japan, Macgyver is considered a tokusatsu.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Question: Every once in a while some art snob will tell me that all horror movies are stupid. What should my response be to such a pretentious douche?

Anger rising...

Let's get something straight. I watch everything. From fucked up torture porn all the way to fucked up rom-coms. I love movies. I love them because they are art; more importantly, because they are an accessible form of art that blends easily into pop culture and allows people who don't have time to study some boring ass art history book to feel like they have valid artistic opinions. Movies help reflect the culture we live in and allow us to more easily define who we are as people; what we think, what we feel and what we love.

Genre fiction has played a significant roll in bringing true tales of life, loss and love into the mainstream. Nothing delivers a knockout punch of humanity to the beleaguered and artless masses better than a huge-ass metaphor. Say what you want, but anyone seen an emotionally raw teenage girl outside of a Twilight screening? If that ain't humanity, brother, I don't know what is.

Now, using Twilight as an example of why all Horror movies aren't garbage may seem like an idiot maneuver, but those fans and those reactions are exactly my point. If you don't think Twilight is as good as The Godfather, I'm not going to lie to you, but if a shitload of humans react emotionally to Twilight, sorry, pal, but that defines art in our society. They love that shit, and a lot of them don't give a fuck about The Godfather. Not yet. But some of those teenage girls will attach significance to that film (as I did in my youth with The Lost Boys) and instead of remembering how blubbery-awful they behaved, they'll remember that it was a film that made them feel that way. And they'll watch other films, and eventual they'll watch The Godfather, and hopefully get some motherfucking perspective.

So, we've decided that genre fiction is art, and helps deliver that art to our hearts and minds. My question then of the pretentious douche is: What's a story? I'll give you a hint: story isn't theme. It also isn't detail, texture or tone. Is Seven Samurai better than The Magnificent Seven because it's a samurai movie? No. That shit could be in space.

Here's a trick. Ask a pretentious douche to explain to you what a story is. If he knows anything (and pretentious douches usually know a little) he'll give you a little spiel about a character experiencing an inciting incident, rising action that leads to a conflict and that character attempting to overcome that conflict, often using his own innate skills and learning something about himself along the way. Now ask him to explain the plot of a Horror movie. Busted. Horror movies are often perfect examples of the character's heroic journey. Take even the lowest forms of Horror movies, the slashers (which I love), and apply the formula. Character (often an empowered woman, douche) realizes she's in danger (inciting incident) has to survive to overcome the conflict (she's often a badass and that's her skill) kills the shit out of her attacker and learns she can fucking handle anything.

Another interesting argument is that based on the formula for a story, every story is technically a Horror story. (I'm not the only one to think this, by the way). It's someone facing something, either externally or internally, that they haven't faced before. It's fear of the unknown that makes these things difficult. What is this? What can I do? Do I flee? Do I fight? Can I win?

I've said my piece. But there's even more. I believe Horror is not only a valid medium, but is important to our growth as people, especially in a western society dominated by comfort and excess. People like to be scared because it triggers their fear response, something they don't get as much as they should. When we were basically animals, trying to figure out the difference between predator and prey, we would register fight or flight regularly. Now, there is no predator. We are the predator. Hence all the murder and rape. Which brings me to my last point. I laugh when heads blow up, giggle when zombies attack. Know what I've never, ever thought about doing? Murder and rape.

Short Answer: Almost every film is some sort of genre. And if you think only dramas deal with real human emotion, talk to Twilight girl. Or try to tell me that The Lost Boys isn't awesome. And if the argument is that you don't find you care about the characters in Horror movies as much as in other movies, that's probably the only valid point you can make. But it only applies to simply plotted slashers. I've seen many a hardcore Horror film that makes me care, besides all the movies that deal with fear that people don't realize are Horror films. (Silence of the Lambs isn't a thriller or a suspense movie, I'm sorry to say. Those terms were invented to fool people into renting.)  As a side note, if someone tells you all Horror movies are shit, you've got a one word canon at your disposal. Possibly the best movie ever made; and it's a Horror movie where the characters are well developed and you care what happens. Ready? Jaws. Boom.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Question: What is your take on the theory that Vulcan ear shape is due to a secret, constant state of sexual arousal?

I don't see what's so secretive about having two boners on the sides of your head, but I guess I can weigh in on this. If my information is correct, Vulcan's don't show any emotion, until every single time they're supposed to not show emotion, then they do. Also, they seem to look down a little on humans, yet every story about them seems to end up making them more human, in a way that we like, 'cause being human rules, so fuck everyone else. In Star Trek, the Vulcan culture is about as respected as if they were walking around with two boners on the sides of their head.

I think it's stupid that in every spacey/sci-fi vehicle about alien culture, it's the human qualities in other species that we like. I get it, we have to make movies and tv accessible to the stupids, and the only way to do that is make them (sigh) relate. But wouldn't it be cool to have a race of aliens that were awesome, because they were nothing like humans? Like in Alien, for example. The xenomorphs are depicted as perfect creatures. That's awesome. And there's no scene (at least in the first one) where they look into a human's eyes, and their own inherent humanity allows them to show some modicum of mercy. Nope. Little mouth into brain.

So I hope that those are penis ears on Vulcans, and I hope that in their culture having blood rush to your ears and subsequent soft-entry sex is respected and encouraged. Fuck us if we want our ears made of cartilage and our boners made of bone. Pounding chicks hard is overrated anyway.

Short Answer: No it isn't.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Question: Why doesn't Mcdonald's have onion rings?

Mayor McCheese was fucking Grimace, but Ronald didn't know. He was so busy building a viable business, that he thought everything between he and Grimace was fine. Sadly, Grimace had strayed. When the company really started doing well, it just seemed natural to poor old Ronald to do the right thing, and make an honest taste bud out of his chubby, purple lover and confidant. He proposed one beautiful day by the lake, hiding the engagement ring amongst the onions at the bottom of a Quarter Pounder w/cheese. After a ravenous Grimace almost produced a very, very awkward moment, Ronald rescued the ring and offered it to Grimace, asking his mauve lover to be his one and only. Grimace cried milkshake tears, and confessed he'd been slipping it between Mayor McCheese's buns. At first, Ronald was crushed, but he focused on his work, and made the Mcdonald's corporation one of the biggest in the world. He wanted to get rid of all onions from McDonald's, because of the image of the ring nestled amongst the onions in the Quarter Pounder w/cheese that had ruined his life; but he was too much of a professional. He knew, with only ketchup and pickles as complimentary condiments to the Quarter Pounder w/cheese, he needed those onions. But on the day when that squawky chicken bitch suggested onion rings, he nearly took her fucking head off.

Short Answer: This might be the best question I've ever been asked.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Question: What the hell is earwax?

Some might say that it's a combination of secretions from a couple of glands, made up of layers of sloughed skin, fatty acids and cholesterol, useful for lubricating, protecting and filtering the ear. Those people would call it cerumen.

I'd call it pure evil. (Cerumen...Saruman...coincidence?)

Earwax is how your body gets rid of evil, which is born in the head, turned brown and disgusting by your sick thoughts, and then pushed out through the earholes. Originally, when humans were designed, the earholes weren't meant to do anything - they were the one unused hole in the head. (In case you don't know, eyes are where sadness leaves the head, the nose is where gross leaves the head and the mouth is where stupid leaves the head.) Problem was, humans spent their first few years on this planet moping and being gross and stupid, to the point that it all combined into the concept of evil. We got evil so quick, killing animals and taking women to task with our junk, that all of a sudden the brown, gooey evil needed an escape hatch.

Hence, earwax.

Short Answer: Did you know that moist earwax is a dominant gene? No you didn't. Now you feel stupid and sad, and you're already gross, so I just upped your earwax production. Bet you didn't see that coming when you asked/read the question.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Question: How many times a day do you think about the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Are you prepared? Excited?

I'd say I give it a go over once a day. I don't think it's possible for there to be a zombie apocalypse, though, only a flare up. There's too much about the idea of the zombie that doesn't get past our security infrastructure (besides the fact that they're slowly moving prey for wild animals and transferring communicable disease by saliva is the hardest way to create an epidemic). I think we'd probably need to team up a couple or three bad things at once to have an apocalypse on the scale we envision for the zombie apocalypse.

Example: An airborne contagion begins to create zombies, while the military accidentally sets off some nukes up its own ass and the sharks, after a meeting that ends in a shit load of high fives, decide to take over the beaches.

Then its apocalypse, ho!

Am I prepared for such an apocalypse? Who could be? Me. I am.

Am I excited? Ehh, you know.

Short Answer: That zombie shit will never happen. They can't climb stairs + I can = victory. (Now I keep picturing in my head an "Apocalypse Ho".)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Question: Is a heist that doesn't involve George Clooney doomed to fail? Why?

Yes. Because it won't be sexy enough. Or classy enough. Or old Hollywood enough. Did I say handsome enough yet? No? Because it won't be handsome enough. It won't have a hot enough girlfriend. It won't never get married and have an unending series of hot enough girlfriends. It won't do enough charity work. It won't be really cool and junk.

Short Answer: George Clooney is the man and the world might not revolve if he wasn't around. Wait, is Jason Statham involved in the heist? He is? It'll be fine.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Question: What would be your first words to an extraterrestrial who landed on your porch?

Get off my porch. Then hopefully we'd have some sort of confrontation over the fact that it's not really a porch, it's more like a veranda. I would perhaps offer him some Sunny D, and together we'd go into the fridge and move other things aside until we found said Sunny D. I'd ask about the probings, he'd inquire about the economy, we'd stay up too late and get giggly, and maybe have an awkward moment our two when our eyes met in front of the fire we'd curled up in front of with a nice chardonnay. When we finally did go to sleep, I'd smother him and sell him.

Short Answer: "I thought verandas had a railing?" "No, idiot."

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Question: Where would you travel to search for faith? Why?

Faith No More Concert. Why? Because a) Irony and b) that would also be time travel and I like to kill multiple birds with little effort.

George Michael's house. Why? Because a) Irony and b) I think George Michael is kind of kick-ass and c) where better to look for faith than the house of an out of the closet homosexual?

A synagogue. Why? Because a) I like Jews and b) I find self-deprecation, dominance of the show biz industry and bathing in guilt while complaining about things that are unimportant sexy.

A Catholic church. Why? Because a) Irony.

Not far. Why? Because a) You shouldn't have to go anywhere for spirituality, not even to a nice building on Sunday.

Short Answer: I find the curly hair on rabbis adorable.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Question: Where or what is your favorite public space?

There are many things that I might be doing that would make me notice I was in a public space. So here are my favorites for each of those things.

Throwing Up: The Fair.  I love throwing up around other people who may throw up because they hear, see or smell me throwing up.  The fair is a great place for this, because stomachs are jittery and the food is awful.

Making Pee-Pee: Outdoor concert (or anywhere that there's a port-a-potty). I like to see the looks on people's faces when they see me taking a leak right next to a port-a-potty.  They assume, of course, that they're all full, no matter how many there are. If they have to take a deuce, their facial expression is even more amusing.

Doing the Do: In line for a night club. Nothing to me is more thrilling, ironic and damn right society-norm-bending as bending some chick over in the line outside of a club. You're basically saying, "I came here to get laid, and this is how quickly I take care of my own business."

Straight up Being Naked. Any school. This is a bit of a one note gag, but being in or around a place of learning when naked is funny to me because of that classic dream about being naked in class. In these situations I like to act normal, and tell people that it's okay that I'm naked, 'cause I'm in a dream.

Short Answer: I don't really like public places at all, unless they're servicing my funny bone, so these things are relatively plausible.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Question: Did you ever have an imaginary childhood friend?

No. I used to play soccer games and have wrestling matches with my GI Joes. I'd keep stats for the soccer and make up systems of dice rolling for wrestling (which played out on an old checker board). Clearly, I was not in need of an imaginary friend, because I had the friends of math and statistics.

Short Answer: I didn't need an imagination. I was Spider-Man.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Question: What is the least amount of money it would take to have you, full strength, punch yourself in the groin?

Let's be upfront and honest about this. I have a sensitive groin. I had a baseball thrown at me once and it brushed the tip of my penis and I almost died. I was wearing joggers, so this is partially my fault, but still.

I think, due to this, that my number is higher than most. I want a substantial amount of money to do anything nuts. If I have to suffer, I want the kind of money that equates to security, if only short term.

Five thousand dollars. Or go punch your own groin, jerk.

Short Answer: I'd probably do it for a titty flash, though.