Thursday, June 30, 2011

Question: Can you think of a better way to milk a cow?

I don't know how to milk a cow in the first place, so it's hard to come up a with a better approach in any definitive way. I assume milking a cow is kind of like giving a handjob, so maybe an alternative way to milk a cow is to get a bunch of prostitutes off those dangerous streets, into some overalls, and transfer that skill set. I also assume there are midgets with nothing better to do, so they could work under some cows. Maybe train a bunch of monkeys, teach them to 'peel the banana'.

Maybe you could hit the team of cows with that weird device from Batman Begins that evaporates liquid, and then collect the evaporated milk. (Everything in Batman is real, right?)

Short Answer: Would showing the cows pictures of other cows 'doing it' work? That question was rhetorical. Yes it would.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Question: Is Cookie Monster a cautionary tale for Elmo?

I would think that any tale were someone becomes so obsessed with one thing that they are referred to as 'monster' would be considered cautionary. I mean, what is Cookie Monster's real name? Alvin, that's what I think. Or Heironymous.

When it comes to Elmo, I don't know that he exhibits obsessive behaviour in one area do the degree that we need worry, unless being overwhelmingly cute and adorable is obsessive. And who gives a felt if you end up being called 'Adorable Monster' anyway?

Short Answer: I like Elmo. I have a giant Alex Ross Elmo painting on my living room wall. (That was a call back. Sorry about call backs. They really don't make any sense on a blog.)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Question: If God hands you lemons, what are your alternatives to making lemonade?

Literally? Zest.

Metaphorically (as intended)? I could do nothing and let all that shit come downstream.

I suppose I could also load those 'lemons' into a 'potato gun' and spray 'acid' all over every one I see.

Short Answer: I'd probably load a frown into a potato gun too, instead of turning it upside down.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Question: Namor vs. Aquaman. Who wins?

I've dreaded this for many years. Now, the day is upon me.

Despite DC's iconic leanings and the assumption by many that "DC did it first", Aquaman is not Namor's predecessor. It was in fact Namor who appeared first (in 1939) and there is a case to be made that Aquaman is actually a copy of his Marvel counterpart. (Aquaman first appeared in 1941 and was supposedly based on a character from a sci-fi book.)

Okay, hold up. I just erased an entire paragraph describing Namor the Sub-Mariner. Why? Because I wrote it, and then realized these guys are so similar, that it would be boring and pointless to write a similar paragraph about Aquaman. Sure, they've had lots of different crap happen to them and at their cores they aren't the same man, but in trying to describe them peripherally - unless you're a hardcore fanboy - they're pretty much the same.

Shit that's the same: Human dad + Atlantean mom. Both royalty and lead Atlantis. Known for being hard-asses as well as good guys. Powers almost identical (breathe underwater, enhanced vision, superstrength, weakness to being out of the water).

It's the stuff that's different that really needs to be focused on. Namor is Marvel's first real anti-hero. He's just as likely to be attacking the surface world as saving it, whereas Aquaman, though annoyed at the surface on occasion, is mostly a good guy who'll do what's right, not just what he deems most benefits him or his people. Namor can fly 'cause he's got wings on his ankles. Aquaman can talk to the creatures of the deep and ask them for help, like if someone wants a whale ride.

As for the versus question, I'm not going to take that in the direction of a fight between these guys. That would be fun, but as pointless as comparing them. To me, it comes down to this. Namor is a complex, interesting character, who is as comfortable beating ass as he is dealing with the machinations of the Marvel universe. But to me, he's just another great super hero in the long line of great Marvel superheroes.

But while the Sub-Mariner comes across as a violent, tempestuous 'prince' who doesn't take any shit, Aquaman is a king. He acts like a king, performs his duties with honor and morality, and will beat your ass if you've got it coming anyway. Also, when I was a kid and I discovered Aquaman, there was so much wonder involved, because he was like other superheroes, but he lived in the ocean! Holy shit! Namor's books never felt like they were really about that. The early Namor, for example, when he was simply a bad guy for the original Human Torch, did most of his fighting on land, flying around with those damn ankle wings. Aquaman comics are often about the fact that he's the king of Atlantis. This is also probably why Namor gets a little more respect, being a 'well developed Marvel character', as opposed to Aquaman who has that 'not as well developed Iconic DC character' stigma and talks to fish.

I'm trying to be cool and unbiased, here, but to me, Aquaman has always carried a lot more weight. Namor's a cool dude, but Aquaman is King Arthur with sharks.

(I read this whole thing and added this part after. I thought about some of the concrete things, like who of the two characters has the 'best of' in certain categories. Here's what I came up with. Best Villain: Black Manta (Aquaman). Hottest Chick: Mera (Aquaman). Best Moment: When Arthur basically tells Superman and Wonder Woman to eff off in Kingdom Come when they come looking for his help (Aquaman).)

Short Answer: Bias, you say? I have a huge framed poster of Alex Ross's iconic Aquaman painting on my living room wall.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Question: What's the Sharif's problem? Why doesn't he like it?

I guess he's just an old fuddy-duddy who'd prefer more traditional music. I can understand his desire to waylay some of the west's influence, especially for the younger generation. It might also be a repression thing, you know, 'cause he never got to rock the casbah when he was a youngster.

Short Answer: He thinks it's not kosher.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Question: When skynet goes online, what can us humans do to survive?

If there's one thing that humans will be powerless in the face of, it's machine overlords. This is the hardest sell in the movies, even, where humans become mole people silently avoiding the machines, or driving around in beat up chevys shooting guns. When skynet goes online for reals, we're fucked.

Short Answer: Fucked.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Question: Is keeping it real hard on your back?

It's hard on all your mom's backs.

Short Answer: What I did there was imply that I do sex to your moms and I'm so rough that it hurts them. In this scenario, 'keeping it real' refers to the way I do sex to your moms. Now, that means something to me, but translating 'keeping it real' into a sexual act that I'm doing to your mom is a personal choice. You may picture me doing any number of things to your poor mother as she laugh-cries from the heavy pounding I'm administering, but it doesn't matter exactly what you picture, as long as she's getting the ride of her life, and my smiling, bearded face is hovering somewhere above.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Question: What would you have done if George Lucas had given you the reins to the Star Wars Prequels?

I would have taken them in one hand and slapped him across the face with the other. Then I would have totally glue-ified the horse the reins were attached to and made sweet, sweet gelatin out of its hooves and turned that into cranberry jello and done shooters off his wife's tits while soaking my feet in his sweet, sweet tears.

What I'm conspicuously alluding to here is that I don't think (in retrospect) that he should have made them at all. But if I'd been offered it, I'd have been singing a different tune. So I suppose you deserve a real answer.

In the room, I would have asked my team (not just myself) what was coolest and most important about the original series, and what themes did most of the fans (not just me) think made the series so likeable and lasting. I assume the coolest stuff would have been Jedis, and the important themes were timeless ones like honor, loyalty, friendship; basically, all the stuff that makes epic, sprawling genre films great.

So, without getting too far into plot, I wouldn't have tried so hard to connect every character in the new series with the characters from the old. We don't need Boba Fett's dad, for example. But I would like to have focused more on what the Jedis were, how they trained, how they were chosen, what makes them special; as opposed to a bunch of scenes of old Jedis talking to each other about 'what's to be done about such and such.' To me, Jedis are knights. They seem to have forgotten that a little. Sure it was cool when you got to see some of the established (generous word) Jedis fight, but it wasn't as good as it should have been by far. It should have been treated more like a classic sword and sorcery tale, where you find out how the guys fight, why they're great, then you see that in action, instead of, 'oh, Samuel Jackson is spinning his light sabre now.' Case in point, the final fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin, which looks like a damn training exercise as they flail and spin their blades in idiotic ways that would never happen in a real sword fight. That reminds me; this is supposed to be the golden age of the Jedis, how come there isn't more about how they use the force in combat? In the films, it's like they take a break from fighting to 'push' each other. C'mon! These are Jedi Knights and practically sorcerers! You're telling me the force can't be used to make a lesser opponents block come up short. Their style of fighting shouldn't be a million strokes, it should be more like samurais; quicker, cleaner kills by expert knights who use magic.

Wow. That was a giant tangent. You've opened a can of worms here my friend.

Here's the problem. That big nerdly paragraph up there is indicative of my reaction to a minor element of the prequels and a small percentage of what would have needed to change. From here, the future that is, it's hard to look back through all the filth and muck and pretend to be attacking it fresh. I'm clearly still angered by what was done. So I've decided to wrap up my answer in a simple way.

Top Ten Things I Would Have Done to Make the Star Wars Prequels Infinitely More Watchable

10) Plot
9) Character
8) Dialogue
7) Genuine Human Interaction
6) Added an actual nerf herder.
5) Darth Vader wouldn't have been a whiny pussy who becomes the Emperor's total bitch. He would have been a character that aligns with what you thought of him when you first saw him in in A New Hope (which by the way, in my world, is still called Star Wars). A badass, a man with his own agenda and his own gifts and ideals and beliefs. He would have been his own person. Something I like to call a 'character'.
4) No C3PO. At least R2 in the new ones was woven into the plot. C3PO feels like his scenes and dialogue were added after the movie was filmed. "Here's a spot, have C3PO say something British."
3) Casted the movie better. Besides Ewan Macgregor, who is well cast in these movies? I like Christopher Lee as much or more than the next Hammer Studio's fan, but the guy could barely move. In the second, there is a scene  where he's fighting Anakin, and there are a series of close-ups on their faces instead of showing what they're actually doing. Remember that? No? Good. It sucked. (In Christopher Lee's defense, the coolest manoeuvre in terms of swordplay in the entire series of prequels is when Anakin cuts off his hands at the beginning of the the third one.) I was about to list all the castings I was disapointed with here, but the list got too long, so I erased it. But how disappointing was Boba Fett's dad? Are you serious? See, that's the problem with having Boba Fett's dad in the damn thing; no matter what you do, people are going to say, "That's Boba Fett's dad? Are you serious?"
2) I would've focused a lot more attention on focusing my attention. What I mean by that is this: there are so many choices made in those movies that make little to no good sense, that it feels like someone wrote it while performing a more important task. I picture Lucas on his knees, fixing the leak under the sink and someone's asking him questions about the script and he's just like, "What? What? Yea, fine, have Jar Jar walk like he's listening to reggae music. Whatever."
1) I would have made it for the original fans. I wouldn't have tried to make it accessible to others in any way. I wouldn't have tried to recreate the Star Wars experience for a new generation. I would have made the movie for the people that got George Lucas where he is today. I would not have forgotten the importance of core audience to genre film success.

Short Answer: I could probably write a book about how these movies failed, but I don't want to waste my time. Even this is too long. People get why it's bad. Even if they only pick up on ten things and miss the other nine hundred and ninety problems in these films, people still know they're bad.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Question: Can you sauce it?

Yea, I can sauce it. Just start reducing that mother, add some finely chopped shallots, a spoonful of dijon, a splash of wine and finish with some butter.  Boom!

Short Answer: If you meant can I sauce it on the dance floor, I can do that as well.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Question: Would you volunteer for a trip to Mars given said journey's current logistics?

Based on what I've seen about Mars, hells no! And of course, I'm referring to and basing this on the movies, because this idiot right here doesn't know anything that isn't burnt into his bleeding eyeballs by the idiot box.

Here's mars in a nutshell. Crazy aliens that misinterpret doves then kill you. Another awful Transformers movie. The story that killed Val Kilmer's career. The story that Don Cheadle survived. Something about moms that no one bothered to watch. Kuato. The most amazingly visual film about the most awesome thing that somehow had no heart. A movie with Pam Grier and Natasha Henstridge where you see none of their four boobs.

The theme here is that I'm constantly disappointed by Mars, so why would I want to go there? There won't be any real plot, characterization or nudity. And Val Kilmer will only be there 12% of the time. Fuck that. On Earth, Val Kilmer's around 100% of the time.

Short Answer: Key: Mars Attacks, Transformers 3, Red Planet, Mission to Mars, Mars Needs Moms, Total Recall, War of the Worlds and Ghosts of Mars.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Question: What are some of the worst ways to handle accidentally backing over an in-law?

Top Ten Worst Ways to Handle Accidentally Backing Over an In-Law

10) Touchdown dance. (You know you've got one.)
9) "Sorry, I thought you were a family member."
8) Self high-five
7) "You must be a vampire because my parking cam didn't pick you up at all."
6) Stake to the heart.
5) "I know you're the town bike, but I can't believe someone actually left you in the driveway."
4) Sexting.
3) "You okay? I've ruined your daughter's baby maker."
2) Offering any sort of help at all.
1) Puttin' 'er in drive and goin' again.

Short Answer: They aren't my parents.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Question: If you were a soldier of fortune or an assassin, what do you think is a good price for having somebody whacked?

Geez, there are a lot of factors here. It's kind of impossible to calculate a base rate when taking into account the many variables in terms of travel, expenses and equipment. I think maybe I'd be the kind of assassin who asked for 'personal favors' in turn for my services. Not necessarily creepy sex stuff (not all the time) but helpful things like getting someone to take on my car payments.

As for attributing some sort of monetary value to human life that I would have to process and overcome to be able to kill, I'm not sure. The human body, if stripped of all valuable minerals and junk, is worth around 5 bucks, give or take certain fluctuations of the market. I think that double that is fair.

So, the answer is 10 bucks plus expenses.

Short Answer: I'd be an ironically poor soldier of fortune.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Question: If you could make a cartoon from your childhood into a feature film, what would it be? Would it be live action or animated?

(Wow. I was just about to post this when I realized I'd totally misread the question. I thought it was asking 'if you could make a cartoon of your childhood'. Now I realize it's asking if I could take a cartoon I watched as a child and turn it into a movie, what would it be. Anyway, I'll leave the false answer in as well for extra entertainment.)

Correct Interpretation Answer:

There was this rad cartoon I remember called Exo Squad that was about people being hooked into mechs, but at this point I think it's probably been seen enough, and if it were turned into a live action thing, it would probably be marred with a low budget and terrible cgi and Paul Walker so let's not do that.

I would love to see a movie based on the show MASK, but again that would undoubtedly be terrible in live action, so it would have to be a cartoon and because it was a stupid toy selling fad, no one would care and it would suck.

Basically, they just made GI Joe and Transformers, and like most young boys of my age, those were the two big ones, maybe along with Thundercats (which I didn't watch) and He-Man (which I totally effin' did). They've been trying to make a Thundercats movie for years, and its only a matter of time before the Hollywood throw back machine scoops up He-Man for a second time, so no point wishing for those. I'd rather see a She-Ra movie at this point. Hordak for reals on the big screen? Yes, please.

I could go for a feature length Darkwing Duck or Count Duckula movie, animated of course, but that doesn't excite me all that much.You guys remember Bravestarr?He had a cyborg horse and lived on the planet New Texas? (Not making this up.) That would be pretty sweet.

I got it. Robotech. I know it's mech stuff again, but that show was dominant and you could take a lot of that stuff and make it work in live action. If Micheal Bay can do it with Transformers I'm sure a real director could do it for Robotech. Holy shit. It's not Robotech. It's Voltron! Live action Voltron! Live action Voltron!

Short Answer: Live action Voltron! Live action Voltron!

(And now the I'm a dumbass who can't read right or good answer)

Incorrect Interpretation Answer:

What the hell is a live action cartoon?

The thing about cartoons is that wacky and interesting shit happens in them. My childhood may have been wacky and interesting, sure, but I never got hit with an anvil, nor did any of my schemes end up in my ingesting earthquake pills and taking out half of the local rock formations. The wackiest most cartoon worthy thing that ever happened to me was the time a cat attacked me and scratched the shit out of my arms. In cartoon form, that would probably look like one of those big dust balls with my head and the cat's head poking out intermittently.

Cartoons nowadays, at least in feature film form, are amazingly written character driven stories with wonderful life lessons and growth and crap. Again, don't think my life compares much to that. One time, my dad made me a machine gun out of plywood. I left it on my porch. My best friend stole it. When I found it at his house, he said his dad had made it for him. We took it to his dad and his dad backed him up. So I learned that everyone, despite their age, is a filthy liar. Credits.

Short Answer: If my life was a cartoon, I'd want it to be Anime, so I could see some boobs.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Question: What upcoming movies are you most looking forward to seeing?

Slowly building some excitement for Green Lantern, thanks to Mark Strong as Sinestro, mostly. Though I also like the renderings of Kilowog and Tomar-Re and I think Hector Hammond looks awesome, too.

Excited to see Cap and I hope Joe Johnston is on his game 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' style and not off his game 'almost everything else he's ever done' style.

Looking forward to Troll Hunter, that Norwegian (I think) documentary style monster flick. Conan the Barbarian's latest trailer really did it for me, especially after seeing Jason Momoa destroy ass in Game of Throne's recently. I also really enjoyed the Muppets trailer that you don't know is a Muppets trailer and I'm already excited about The Dark Knight Rises, thanks to the released pic of Tom Hardy as Bane.

Joe Cornish's aliens in Britain movie Attack the Block is getting released in North America soon, and I'm looking forward to that one. Although it might be a ways off, I'm pumped for Park Chan Wook's English language debut, Stoker. After hearing that Human Centipede 2 was outright banned in Britain, that one has also shot up the list for me.

There's a lot, but I think that covers most of it.

Short Answer: What's Ryan Gosling doing next? He's the friggin' man.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Question: What happens when you lose your mind? What signs should I watch out for?

When you lose your mind, the world becomes an empty place full of naked ladies and Doritos' flavors like Rainbow Chunk and Heavenly Wurst. Things like stress are pooped out into crystalline toilets for all to see and money is no longer a worry, just something you hand to the guy who's giving you meth. When you watch the Muppets or Sesame Street, you start to feel that the characters are real, 'cause they aren't animated. Spaghetti begins to seem like a dumb choice in the face of flatter noodles that cradle the sauce. (Penne and rigatoni also seem more viable.) Phones begin to seem like the stupidest thing in history, because people can bother you any time they want. You might start to preface the things you say with your credentials. Like, when someone asks you a question, you say, "Well I first did research on camel weather in 1987, when I was doing my bullshittirate in bullshittary at the University of Unknowing Dorks" instead of just answering the question.

You might start to question things like the presence and existence of textures. This will lead you to strange confrontations with puddings and yogurts and the insides of gourds. Your concept of time will become challenged and you'll begin to more often think you're somewhen else. Mail delivery will seem absurd to you, in the face of electronic options. Trees will seem like your friends (which may or may not be tied in with the mail delivery problem), cats your enemies. You begin wondering why the series based on the movie Alien Nation didn't work. You begin to cat call construction workers, finding hardhats endearing if not outright attractive. You develop carpet envy. You love hats but hate how they make your hair feel.

Eventually, you begin to fall in love with the idea of being British, based on their history of colonial oppression, as well as the fact that their women seem to have big, floppy boobs, one and all.

You might wonder things like, "Were the Smothers Brothers ever young?" and "How does the sky feel about it?" and "Maybe tomorrow we'll finally get some chalk in here."

Short Answer: If you're questioning your sanity, you are not insane. And if you aren't questioning your sanity, you're bat shit crazy and don't give a fuck anyway. So don't worry about it. Just try not to get into arguments with your set of allen keys. You can't beat a useful, hexagonal opponent, trust me.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Question: So, what do you think I should do with my new poodle?

Feed it, shave it stupid, bury it in the backyard.

Short Answer: I like dogs; but not poodles. And I think poo is funny; but I find poodle material too topical.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Question: Dear Keith, you have been bloggering for a while now, how do you like it?

Hmmm. I never really thought about it. I got it in my head that it was a good idea, and I committed to it and now I'm just waiting to see what positivity (if any) comes from the process. In one way, it's cool 'cause it forces me to write every day, but I'm supposed to be a 'professional' now, so I should be doing that anyway. In fact, sometimes I worry that I waste the good mojo on the blog...but that's stupid too. If I truly believed there was a limit to the mojo, I'd only write what I thought was most important.

Fart jokes.

Short Answer: I like working hard and not getting paid, so this is really on the money. Well, not on the money. On the nose or... (Keith hesitates. There's silence. He fills that silence with fart.)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Question: Samurai or Ninja?

I think history already decided this one, as the oppressed masses picked up whatever they had lying around and started a guerrilla war against their oppressors and began stabbing the Samurai in the back until they were all dead.

In terms of style, I'd go with Samurai, though. Gotta love the art and the discipline of what they did. Lotta cool stories have been written about the loyalty and honor of Samurais, whereas the Ninjas are kind of just portrayed as assassins, which is kinda cool too, I guess.

The martial art of the Samurai, jiu-jitsu, survived and was passed along for generations, before making its way to Brazil, where they took the principals and applied them to their own way of life, creating Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. When it comes to the Ninja martial art, Ninjitsu, people can't even agree on whether it still even exists or not, let alone which type of it is the 'true' type. Hell, they can't even agree on how to spell it.

And in terms of a greatest warrior, one on one, face to face battle, I think the intense martial arts training of the Samurai wins out every time.

Short Answer: I always picture Samurais with sweet beards.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Question: Does size matter?

When Size Matters:

Trying to get on a ride at the fair when you're a kid.

When choosing fight or flight at the moment Tokyo is invaded by godzillas.

At punching.

When in bed with a woman who has a very big vagina.

Short Answer: Size matters when doing a short answer. It should be short.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Question: Can you write your speech for a 'best writer' win at the MTV movie awards?

First I'd go up on stage and do that thing where you use your hands to say, "That's enough applause" but then you switch it up and ask for more applause. I'm classic.

"Listen up you little bastards, I didn't even know this category existed until one night on a shit-ton of E I was all like, 'There's an award this shitty? Let's do this thing!' Then I wrote this piece of shit movie stealing the concept of Hansel and Gretel, blatantly stealing it, and adding werewolves, vampires, and if you were paying close enough attention, John Stamos. So thanks for nothing. I was drunk and high when I wrote this, I'm even drunker and higher now. If any of you are 18 but look 16, talk to my manager Phil over there. He's the one in the Whitesnake T-Shirt, and he'll shuttle you to my hotel and we can talk about movies and junk. Keith out!"

Short Answer: "I'd like to thank Steve Guttenberg for his appearance in the Stonecutter's episode of the Simpsons, I'd like to thank the song Show Me the Way by Peter Frampton for showing me the way, I'd like to thank Darth Vader and Greedo for keeping it real, I'd like to thank my parents but I just can't force myself to do it, I'd like to thank Starscream and Cobra Commander for their courage and shrillness in the face of blatant homosexuality and last but certainly not least I'd like to thank MTV for whatever the fuck it is that they do for this planet."

Friday, June 3, 2011

Question: What is your favorite five cent candy?

This question made me think back to my childhood, when I'd walk to the corner store from my Grandma's house and buy little brown bags of penny candies. They were those sour spaceships you can't seem to get anymore; those are my favorite candy ever.

I'm not much of a candy guy nowadays, but I do tend to like the snakey-snakes and the froggies. I also dig the orange slices, both gummi and sour. That is all.

Short Answer: Steak.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Question: If you were tasked with changing the mind of a fanatic, how would you do it?

Ball kicking. If he's a fanatic, he's not going to have his opinion changed, so if I was forced to try, I'd resort to violence (even though he won't learn a thing.)

Now, let's pretend this 'fanatic' is open to change.

Torture. And no light torture like water boarding or chemicals, that's for wussies. I'm talking old school rackings and genital burnings. That shit'll make someone change their tune faster than a new-fangled digitized tune-changing apparatus.

The other way, of course, is through completely breaking someone down psychologically and imparting them with your own ideals. See theater or culinary school curriculums for pointers.

Short Answer: You want to change someone's ideals, put them on the Judas Chair. Look it up.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Question: What is your favorite old-school sitcom theme song?

Up until about two weeks ago I would have pants down said Family Ties, but then a friend of mine reminded me of a couple of others that are outstanding. So I think my new favorite might very well be Perfect Strangers. It's very inspirational.

Short Answer: This is relevant.