Monday, May 30, 2011

Question: See any good youtube videos lately?

The best. Donald Glover, the black dude from Community, has a comedy troupe called Derrick Comedy. I saw a video of theirs called 'Jerry' and I laughed until I couldn't make sound.  Also, the 'man teasing dog with food' thing where the dog talks is pretty outstanding.

Short Answer: Is anything really a youtube video, or is it just there for easier consumption?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Question: What is your least favorite household chore? Which don't you mind doing? Why?

I don't like doing the dishes because I don't like to put my hands on something I've already deemed unworthy of being in my mouth. This applies to other household chores as well.

I don't mind sweeping the floor 'cause it makes me feel like I'm in a Broadway musical. Same goes for vacuuming and being in the shower as well as dancing in tap shoes while secretly being infatuated with my male co-star. What a chore!

Short Answer: I don't like any chore that can't be accomplished by handing money to someone.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Question: Is it working yet?

Don't be in such a hurry. We have to monitor my heart rate if I'm taking that big a dose. Better safe than sorry. Until than I can just keep using the pump. The doctor says it doesn't really do anything physically, but it pumps me up psychologically.

Short Answer: No. But hopefully soon.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Question: Why you gotta be such a spaz?

Oh, c'mon that's unfair. It was entrapment, man. "The baby's definitely yours." What does that even mean? What's definite in this world anyway?

Wait, was that what you were referring to? Yea, I guess I kinda spazzed on that one. Hold on, were you referring to the assault charge? Are you kidding me, jack? That dude had it comin'. All I wanted was a handful, one measly handful, of the kid's popcorn and he's gotta go runnin' off at the mouth. "Mommy, this man is scaring me." Damn right I popped him in the face.

I have to admit, I'm not sure, now that I step back and take a deep breath, what this question is in reference to. Oh no, it wasn't the clown college thing, was it? They didn't teach me anything, I knew all that clown shit before. And "Your shoes aren't big enough?" They were a good size! Fuck that place, I ain't payin'.

I didn't want to go to the Maroon 5 concert in the first place, so go to hell. Too bad I peed in your rum & coke.

I don't like roller coasters, Mom, so sorry I "directed" my vomit into your lap.

Ooooh, who's a big man, defending equal rights. I want brownies, ass!

Short Answer: This proves nothing.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Question: What would you say to all the believers when the rapture has come and gone and nobody disappeared up to heaven?

I've really been milking the whole Top Ten thing recently, but your questions are just so good...

Top Ten Things I would say to a Christian who believed the Rapture would come

10) "Wow. You must be really disappointed that billions of people didn't get judged unworthy today."

9) "Well, I guess it's back to drinking and beating your wife while taking no responsibility for your own actions."

8) "See you on Sunday."

7) "I think you must have interpreted that un-interpretable book of yours incorrectly."

6) "All right. You lose this round. Now what about all the child rape?"

5) "Are you mad that the Jews were right again?"

4) "No it happened. My dad went. Oh, what, did you not get to go? Or any of your family? Bummer."

3) "Are you mad that the Scientologists were right again?"

2) "Pray harder, jerk."

1) "At least you've learned something, and when next they tell you the end of the world is coming, you'll be reticent to make yourself look like such a fool. Right? Right?"

Short Answer: God love 'em.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Question: If you were a guest on Craig Ferguson's show, what would you choose to end the interview with, an awkward pause or a mouth organ?

I'm definitely an awkward pause guy, though what I'd really like is one of those genuine moments that happen sometimes when an awkward pause just happens, or the awkward pause turns into a mouth organ and you get both.

Short Answer: I also like it when Ferguson disagrees with your choice and makes you do the other.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Question: What are your favorite movies to watch while high?

I don't want to disappoint any fans out there, but I don't get high; assuming this means marijuana cigarettes. I haven't smoked those since I was a teenager. But if you mean cocaine, meth, heroin, ecstasy, GBH, glue, paint fumes and marker sniffering, then I'm high twenty-three hours a day.

But seriously, if I were to answer this question from personal experience alone, it would be a list of all the movies that came out in the year I smoked a lot of weed. Instead, I`ll try to separate my weed experiences from my cerebral brain and come up with a list of movies that I think would be great to watch if you like getting high, or just like watching movies that other people like to watch when they`re high.

One more note. I've mostly ruled out straight up comedies, because the best of those are funny anyway.

I know I just did one, but how can I not answer this question with a resounding:

Top Ten Movies to Watch When You're High

10) Half-Baked (1998) Tamra Davis (?)
Don`t worry. Not every movie on this list will be a movie about getting high, but this one in particular is very fun to watch because of how much of the humour is absolutely absurd, but still technically sound. Great stuff from Jim Brewer, Dave Chappelle and Harland Williams.

9) 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) Stanley Kubrick
In the category of `what the fuck is going on, I`m so high right now' this movie takes the weed cake. It`s practically two separate moves; one about a computer that gets all pissy and one about I don`t know the fuck what. Shit gets real, and then we hit plaid, and it's as trippy as a weed smoking circle full of moms. 

8) Donnie Darko (2001) Richard Kelly
You know what's funny? I didn't even really like this movie the first time I saw it. Shoulda been high. This movie takes care of the sci-fi and time travel requirements of this list, all the while being creepy, engaging and weird as hell.

7) Antichrist (2009) Lars von Trier
Ah-ha. Lars von Trier. You could pretty much watch any of this guy`s movies while on the pot and lose your flippin`mind, but this one in particular is a trip and a half. Firstly, you should be forewarned: this is a Horror movie. And I don`t mean some artsy guy`s take on a Horror movie, this is a capital H capital #4 Bobby Orr HORROR movie. It's a visual, psychological and disturbing film that might rip off the top of your head if you're puffing the cheeb.

6) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) Terry Gilliam
Another drug movie, I know, but this one isn't on the list because of its drug consumption, it's here because of Terry Gilliam - another director who could have multiple films on this list - and his interpretation of Hunter S. Thompson's drug-addled befuddlings. The mescalin section in particular might blow your mind if you suck dope.

5) Funny Games (1997) and (2007) Michael Haneke
Along the same lines as a Lars von Trier experience, this movie is not what you expect. What it is, if your smoke-fogged head can handle it, is an exploration of how we as humans respond to violence, and why we watch movies at all if what we get out of them is self-destructive. Including Horror, violence and perception-shattering scenes of third wall breaking where the character talks to you at home, this movie is a trip even for those who don't lace up the mary jane workboots. (I'm running out of euphemisms.)

4) Oldboy (2003) Chan-Wook Park
I have so much to say about this selection. First, I almost feel bad including it, because it is such a good film that it's possible you shouldn't watch it while impaired. Also, Chan-Wook Park is one of my very favorite directors and I can't say enough about how fun his films are, if you like the crazy business. Asia is amazing when it comes to movies that are good when you're a little messed up, because they're a little messed up. What I mean is that culturally, Asia is quite a bit different and that lends itself to some wacky goodness. This movie in particular has it all, as long as you don't know what's coming. Drugs should help keep you muddy and heighten the big moments near the end.

3) Black Swan (2010) Darren Aronofsky
There are a lot of movies that create and prolong tension well. But not as well as this film. Black Swan is quite simply one of my favorite films of all time and though as I said before, there's a school of thought that says maybe you should be clear-headed while watching great film, if you like entertainment on weed, this one should deliver.

2) Requiem for a Dream (2000) Darren Aronofsky
Usually when I do lists, I try to be varied. One way to accomplish this is to only have one movie per director, but that's just not possible here when dealing with the likes of Kubrick, Gilliam, Haneke, Park, Miike, Aronofsky, von Trier and so on. I could have picked one movie from each wacky guy, but it wouldn't have been honest. By the way, if you don't know about Requiem, watch it. If you do, then you know why it's here.

1) A Clockwork Orange (1971) Stanley Kubrick
Stanley Kubrick is my favorite director and A Clockwork Orange is my favorite movie. The key to this being the undeniable #1 is not just based on content, however, even though that should be enough. I saw this movie when I was a teenager, and I was very high. It affected me like no other film before or after.

Short Answer: In typical fashion, my honorable mentions: Phantasm, The Fifth Element, Dogville, Brazil, Visioneers, Zoo, REC, Bug, Gozu, Blade Runner, The Matrix, High Tension, Heavy Metal, The Wall, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Cloverfield, South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut, Team America, Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Three...Extremes, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricki...you get the idea.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Question: In your campaign for Chancellor and Religious Authority of the world, what would your slogan be?

Top Ten!
(You have to say Keith or Keith for Chancellor at the beginning of each one, so it sounds all authentic-like. Especially for #1.)

10) Get Some!
9) I'm like Dr. Doom, but my metal's on the inside. (The inside of my boner.)
8) Beat your wife? No problem! God made you do it!
7) Craw!!!
6) I'm so good at religion, you'll come to my door and want to talk about God.
5) Those other guys who are running had sex with boys.
4) Pre-communion bong hits! The body of Christ never tasted so good!
3) Nirvana, Angels, Virgins - the whole shh-bang!
2) With my 'Throw Money At It' policy, you don't have to come to church. Just pay for salvation!
1) You better believe he gettin' down off that cross and be like "What!" and those bitches be runnin'.

Short Answer: This is pretty viable.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Question: What musical instrument would you like to learn how to play?

This may seem boring, (I'm good at getting people interested quick, you know, grabbing them early) but I've always wanted to know how to play the piano. I will even go so far as to say I wish my parents had put me in piano lessons as a child. I had this cool teacher in school who was a self-taught piano player, and he'd just sit down and play these cool rockin' ditties. I tried to teach myself, but it turns out my left and right hands take turns being retarded.

Also, playing the flute makes you a flutist (which I'm pretty sure is pronounced 'floutist') which is okay. But playing the piano makes you a pianist, and that's awesome.

Short Answer: I have played the guitar, the mandolin, the recorder, the alto sax, the clarinet, the ukulele and the kazoo. I had a mouth organ, but I never learned 'cause I'd just laugh when I said mouth organ.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Question: Which of the muppets would be the last to die in a survival situation?

Sweetums. Because he'll eat other muppets.

Short Answer: Being a bunch of artsy types, they're all boned except for Miss Piggy. Although based on the pork factor, she might be first on Sweetums' list.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Question: Would you rather have a cook, a maid or a chauffeur?

At first, I thought this was cut and dry. Maid, 100 percent. I mean, who likes to clean up after themselves? That shit is tedious. But then I remembered how much I hate my archnemesis: traffic.

Just to be clear, cook is right out. I love to cook. I don't need the help.

The thing about a maid is that they will clean anything. They will take care of all your filthy business. A chauffeur provides only one service, and even though I wouldn't have to drive, I'd still be surrounded by my archnemesis: traffic.

I hate traffic. It's bad enough that I have to deal with crazy assholes whipping around, but to have to deal with too many crazy assholes whipping around? And here's the worst. I guess I'll leave early in case there's traffic = no traffic. But I guess we don't have to leave too early, it's not far = shit ton of traffic.

Traffic!

Short Answer: Maid.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Question: Does anybody really care about the IIHF World Hockey Championship?

Sorry to say this about humans, but the countries that do well in the tournament care. In North America, it seems we don't take it seriously when we do poorly, citing examples like the fact that a lot of our players are still in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. In truth, we seem to dig it more when we do well and then those excuses fall away.

I think we only don't care when we stink it up.

Short Answer: Bad final this year. I don't think Sweden and Finland is a true representation of the best teams in the tournament. But I don't care.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Question: In your opinion, is it better to love and lose than to never love at all?

It depends on what you're loving. If it is, for example, a pig, slow roasted and spitted, it's better to have loved and lost because in this scenario lost is part of the process and signifies eating it all up and putting it into your belly. If you're talking about loving a person, I don't know. I wouldn't cook a person that way.

Short Answer: Lost love is better than lost keys.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Question: What was the last song you had stuck in your head?

Hard to remember, they kind of creep up on you. I've had Your Song by Elton John stuck in my head for weeks. Other recent notables: Forever Your Girl by Paula Abdul, Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, Beautiful by James Blunt, Womanizer by Britney Spears, Night Train by Guns N' Roses, Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson, Mysterious Ways by U2, Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes and Oceans by Pearl Jam.

This answer sucks. Impromptu Top Ten!

Top Ten Songs Most Often Stuck in Keith's Head

10) Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden
9) The Wizard by Uriah Heep
8) You Make Me Feel So Young by Stewie from Family Guy
7) Wonderwall by Mike Flowers Pops
6) Cum on Feel the Noize by Quiet Riot
5) About a Girl by Nirvana
4) Holy Diver by Dio
3) I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick
2) Raspberry Beret by Prince
1) Oh Sherrie by Steve Perry 

Short Answer:I know some of these songs were originally recorded by other artists, but these are the versions in my head.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Question: If you could use photosynthesis, would you still eat food?

Is pizza food? Then, yes. Yes, I would still eat food.

Here's what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't sit around not being a superhero anymore. Now, I can store large amounts of energy, so I can channel that energy to become the greatest superhero of all time! (Or, I suppose, the only superhero of all time.) Of course, all I'll be able to fire from my fearsome fists of fury is sugar and oxygen, but that's cool. Either one of those things in your eye would suck, at least for a short time...while I run up and punt you in the groin, evil doer! And have you ever taken a really deep breath and held it for a bit? That can be slightly uncomfortable and I could force that upon you! It would be like Superman's cold breath, but not cold at all! Ha-ha!

Also, because now I can probably process water and carbon dioxide, I could live under the sea and command the fish. Or, I could fake my death in a car. No, wait, is that carbon dioxide? Better not risk it! Ha-ha!

Seriously, though; I would live under the sea. It's magical.

Short Answer: Wait a sec, is this a trick? Like, because I don't have the right plasma membranes or chloroplasts, I won't be able to store the stuff properly...Hey, this is just gonna make me fart a bunch, isn't it!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Question: Define "Dew Point".

The term Dew Point describes the advanced level of arousal a woman attains when she is wet enough to easily accept a phalus. As in: Stick it in, that bitch has reached her Dew Point. See also: Wide On.

Short Answer: Dew Point? More like Do Point!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Question: What superhero would you like to crossover into the Horror genre?

This has happened quite a bit. Horror has always had a place in comics, and with most popular comic book characters having existed for fifty years or more, they've all had their run in with Dracula at some point. Just recently, Marvel Zombies, a book where well known marvel characters are zombies, has been quite popular. Also, the award winning Green Lantern arc from last year, Blackest Night, was all about dead superheroes being re-animated to fight for some kind of super zombie. There are even a bunch of popular horror themed characters in both DC and Marvel, let alone the lesser companies, some of which use quite a lot of horror influence. Books like Spawn, Darkness, Hellboy, Blade and Constantine all have large followings and all use plenty of horror elements. Besides this, there is a rich history of horror comics, like Tales from the Crypt and The Vault of Horrors as well as graphic novels like From Hell by Alan Moore and 30 Days of Night. And of course, Kirkman's the Walking Dead, which is great.

My point is, it's hard to think of a superhero who isn't already affected by the amount of horror in comic books. Take your lightest, wise-cracking-est, most PG guy, like Spider-Man, and you've got Morpheus, a vampire, right there in his stable of bad guys.

My answer is Iron Man. Not for any reason other than he's my favorite, and even though it seems a bit odd to put him in any horror context, it would be something different and unexpected. Whether it would work or not, I don't know. Perhaps if the story somehow mirrored the horrors of his own life, the alcoholism maybe, or the fact that every third storyline is about his tech being stolen.

It could work. Let Dr. Doom kidnap him, put him on some crazy drugs and watch him relive the horrors of his life through an exaggerated lens. Something like that.

Short Answer: I like Vampirella.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Question: If you could make your own family crest, what would it look like?

Are we talking heraldic here, or not? Oh right, you can't answer me. I have to answer the question. Well, let's keep it simple, then.

It would be a yellow background, with some blue stripes. On it, dead center, would be a great white shark, mouth agape, trying to eat a giant, shiny, black spider, whose legs are spread wide to keep the shark away. On the spider's back, there would be a dark blue (to match the stripes) sword, 'cause swords are cool.

This would all, in its many intricacies and layers, signify that my family is awesome like sharks eating spiders is awesome, and awesome like spiders fighting off shark attacks is awesome, and awesome like a sword tattoo is awesome.

Short Answer: Anyone wanna breed me a Spider Shark? Isn't it about time?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Question: If Sesame Street was a real place, monsters and all, would you visit there?

Real. As in real monsters and fake people. Where days are themed by letter and number by some unseen big brother type overlord. Where Ernie and Bert are together not just because they're gay, but because they have yellow fever, and interspecial couples like Big Bird and Snuffleupagus can prance around naked, while having thinly veiled sexual nick names like Big Bird and Snuffleupagus. Where a furry green monster lives in the depths of your garbage can and cookies are never safe.

Sounds fuckin' awful.

But I'd probably go; I like Captain Vegetable's politics.

Short Answer: You know on Monsterpiece Theatre where Grover, instead of going near and far, goes upstairs and downstairs? Love it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Question: We now have a conservative majority...Are we f***ed?

No. I love majorities. It's minorities I hate.

(I don't know if the racism in the above line was thinly veiled enough, but you get the picture.)

Assuming that real democracy isn't present (and it isn't) I think majority government is the way to go. If some dude's gonna try to the run the country the way he sees fit, why do we want some other dude standing over his shoulder and getting up in his business? I think anyone who's elected to important positions in government should get to be there for a period of time that allows them to implement their ideas. This only works if they are actually (this is how to properly use the word actually, assholes. Stop fucking saying it in every fucking sentence.) permitted to implement them. A majority government allows that. No point (America) having a guy with a bunch of ideas, elected to be there for a reasonable period of time, getting cock-blocked to the point where people begin to perceive him as impotent.

In summary, a majority government allows an elected leader to implement his ideas within the given time frame of his 'reign'. Then, if he sucks and blows, you know it's cut and dry, and you dump his ass outta there when his time's up. No pussyfooting; fucker had a majority.

Short Answer: It's about accountability. Either you did what you said you would, or you didn't. You had your shot. No excuses.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Question: Is it better to love and lose or purchase a weapon? Why?

I guess it depends on what kind of weapon and how you're going to use it. I'd think that the best use for a weapon is revenge, and the best weapon for revenge is a broadsword (obviously). The choosing of said broadsword can be in itself very rewarding, but probably not quite as rewarding as the experiences of love and love lost.

Now if you're lucky, you get a combo platter and you're buying a weapon because someone stole your girl, and you want revenge. In that case, you might want to really cherish the memory of your failed relationship while purchasing your broadsword and then the whole thing becomes deeper and more textured and you get much more experience - like in an RPG game. What I'm trying to say, is if this scenario occurs, you'll be like a level 12 paladin by the end of it all.

Look, I've bought as many broadswords as the next wearing-a-loincloth-under-his-jeans kinda dude, but I've never felt the height of emotion that I've felt when in love with a large breasted lass. Of course, I've never experienced love lost, so I don't know how much that sucks, but I can imagine it's still better to have buried your face in some comely lady's goodies if only for a short period of time.

Lost love for the win.

Short Answer: Seriously, buy a broadsword. You'll feel better and burglers will not like you much.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Question: Dream concert... Who? Where? When? Who's opening? Go!

Who: Pink Floyd

Where: My childhood tree house.

When: Any night this week that there isn't a hockey game.

Who's opening: Guns n' Roses just before they blew up (got famous, I mean.)

Short Answer: I could also do Metallica at the Scottish cultural center in 1945 with The Cult up first. Oops. Unnecessary irreverence. Sorry, Mom.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Question: If you'd had forty days and nights to tempt Jesus, would you have succeeded? Why?

I think Jesus was real, and I think he was a cool cat. So sure, I think I could tempt him, because we probably have a lot in common. My passion for shit would spill over and he'd get all excited, you know?

For those who don't know, after Jesus was baptized, he spent forty days and nights in the desert fasting.  While there, the devil showed up a bunch (I guess I'm the devil in this question) and tried to tempt him. Jesus was all like, no way, and the devil was like, c'mon, but Jesus was having none of his shit.

I would have been more successful, because I'm assuming if I was there, I'd also have the amenities of my time period.  Unless it was one of those time machines like in Terminator where I had to go through time naked and oiled.

The point is, I'd have pizza.  Pizza wins, man.  I bet Jesus was a great dude, but I would be selling my soul after three days if I hadn't eaten and somebody put a fresh pizza in front of me.  I'd be all like, the devil ain't so bad.  If cheese is sinful, then sign me up!

Did I just make something about pizza again?

Short Answer: One of the temptations was that the devil suggested Jesus make bread out of stones.  Bread, hot stone, sauce, cheese - the devil knew about pizza even back then!  Maybe I wouldn't have been so successful.  Besides pizza, all I got is strippers.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Question: Does the British monarchy matter anymore? For that matter, does any monarchy matter anymore? Could there be anymore use of the word matter in this question?

A) Yes. It does. It links us to a history that American culture does not seem to want to acknowledge. I don't get it, but Americans seem to think that winning their independence from the Brits meant striking their influence from memory. I think one of the wonderful things about Canada is how, though (or perhaps because) we are a young nation, we hold on to some of that history.

B) Yes. By default, based on the previous answer. In terms of ruling, I suppose they mostly don't matter, except in third world scenarios. There, anything still goes, it seems.

C) Yes.

Short Answer: What doesn't matter is the bullshit adoration that some people still pile upon the Royals. Respect the lineage, respect the historical significance, but don't coddle the in-breds, okay?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Question: What was the last CD you bought?

I think the depth of this question lies in the fact that most people haven't bought a CD in forever, therefore it's a fun, nostalgic thrill ride through their memory to remember when and where they performed this antiquated task.

But I actually do remember. It was the latest Blind Guardian CD. That being said, I hadn't bought one in years before that, so let's just pretend it didn't happen.

Now I'm not the morality police by any means, and I break 6 to 9 of the ten commandments before brunch, but for whatever reason I've never been down with the downloading of music off the internets. I've done it a few times, for sure, but it always makes me feel like a muddy sock. Maybe it's because it is referred to as piracy, which makes no fucking sense to me at all. Maybe it's because my parents were actual pirates and they weren't around all that much. I'd say, "Are you guys going to be around much?" And they'd turn their heads, to look at me through their unpatched eyes, they'd hobble over on their oaken peg-legs and whilst cooing their screeching parrots, say, "Shut up, you little bitch."

Here's the definition of piracy. 'Robbery aboard a ship' or 'robbery within the jurisdiction of admiralty'. Is there a Surgeon Admiral or some shit that I'm not aware of? Does the Navy have fucking jurisdiction over the internet? Is this some witty attempt to capitalize on the popularity, fleeting as it was, of 'surfing' the internet? Why isn't it just called theft? Or use a metaphor that makes sense. Like if its the web, then we're some sort of bug, sneaking past the spider to steal her supper or eat her babies. Who's a spider's enemy? Wasps. Wasping songs off the internet makes more sense than Pirating them.

Who likes tangents? You? Shut it.

The last CD I bought, in the spirit of this question, was probably not one CD, but a bunch. I had gone to the store, I'd say about six years ago, and all the CDs were super cheap, and they had this rack of classic awesome albums. I got excited and bought a bunch. I remember grabbing Rumors by Fleetwood Mac among others. Then I brought them home, performed some adultery and tucked them away on a shelf never to be touched.

Short Answer: I have bought records since the last time I bought CDs. That makes me cool, right? Anyone? Mom?