Thursday, March 31, 2011

Question: Why are people so infatuated with 'Top Ten' lists?

Letterman probably has something to do with the modern popularity of the Top Ten.

And now a Top Ten list of the reasons why people are so infatuated with Top Ten lists.

10) To rail against chaos and entropy and create some sort of order in the universe. (Ten is also the number of spacetime dimensions in some forms of string theory.)
9) Pele wore number 10 (as did Diego Maradona)
8) It's the highest score in Olympic style competitions, as well as how many yards you need to go to get a first down and how high (in feet) a basketball hoop is from the floor or 'court'.
7) Must people can only think of about ten things at any given time.
6) It's how many fingers we have, so when we need to count stuff, it's as high as we go. We also naturally think in tens. Decades, anyone? ("That girl is a ten!" "On a scale of one to ten...")
5) In multiplication tables, 10 is the easiest. So we grow attached.
4) The world record for masturbation by a two-handed man in one day is ten times. Clean and jerk category, of course.
3) Monkeys will deny the gift of an eleventh banana. Deep down, in an evolutionary way, we get this.
2) Beethoven composed ten violin sonatas. Thank you.
1) Ten is the atomic number of neon, the most fun (and most likely to have weed) of all the elements of the periodic table. 


Short Answer: 'Cause it's a nice round number. And if you try to do a top nine or a top eleven, you just come off as a damn try-hard.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Question: What is your most pressing and current pop culture pet peeve?

The fact that I saw a commercial that explained, to men, what options they had when their ladies wanted to have a "vampire movie night."  The fact that vampires have now become something akin to chick flick is pretty rough on a genre fan like myself.

Short Answer: That Friday song is good, too.

Question: In your opinion, what is the best thing since sliced bread?

You know that bread you sometimes get, I think it's called 'home made' or something, and you get to slice it yourself; that bread is the shit.

I suppose the real answer required is: My favorite improvement/invention since "the greatest forward step in the baking industry" in 1928.  My mind flits back to Donnie Darko, where he says the best invention to ever benefit mankind is antiseptics, and therefore sanitation, but that was in 1895, before sliced bread.  Pizza was invented before sliced bread too, even though pizza kinda is sliced bread, but whatever. (Pizza, as we know it, caught on around the same time as sanitation, though the Greeks were making 'flatbreads' forever.)  Seems like a lot of great stuff was invented before sliced bread.

Obviously any modern technological advance should come in to play, but how to choose?  Just the fact that we have all the information in human history at the tips of our fingers through our phones is a giant sized big deal, but that encompasses so many inventions.  (When was the run-on sentence invented?)

It's possible the greatest invention since sliced bread is the integrated circuit, which is kinda the basis of all this crazy modern technology, but that shit is boring.  There's some evidence that hormones given to cows get into their beef and milk, and that's what's making women's breasts bigger.  That's some kind of improvement/invention, but still not on the money.

I have an answer.  It's not earth shattering.  It's not something that makes the world an inherently better place (or does it?).  It's not something revolutionary like plastic or hair dye.

I think the best thing since sliced bread is movies.  Now I know the motion picture was invented (sigh) before sliced bread, but there have been so many smaller inventions in film that make it the wonderful medium it is today.  I risk not answering this question properly by not picking just one of these inventions, but it is a constantly evolving medium backed by some of the greatest creative minds of our day. (Let alone tons of cash.) 

Movies are our most accessible and popular form of art, and art is very, very important.  Almost as important as being able to make toast quickly.

Short Answer: The process to attach soundtracks to film was created in the twenties, and the thirties saw the beginning of Technicolor, so the beginnings of the modern film medium happened around the same time, if not a bit later, than sliced bread.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Question: What is your favorite TNG episode?

For those that don't know, TNG is Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Great show.  Really hard to pick a favorite.  So here comes an unasked for Top Five!

5) Yesterday's Enterprise: That's the one with time travel, where a rift in space spews an alternate Enterprise and our Enterprise turns into a warship. It's great 'cause it feels like an Outer Limits episode.

4) Chain of Command: That's the one where Picard gets captured by Cardassians.  It's awesome, 'cause he gets tortured a bunch, but holds up like a man...or does he?  "There are four lights!"

3) The Naked Now: That's the one where Data and Tasha do it, 'cause they're drunk.

2) The Inner Light: That's the one where Picard lives an entirely separate life and learns to play the flute.

1) The Best of Both Worlds: Borg. 'Nuff said.  (Resistance is futile.)


Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Family (Picard goes home after his encounter with the Borg), First Contact (Riker is trapped in a play), Elementary, Dear Data (Data as Sherlock), A Matter of Honor (Riker on a Klingon Bird of Prey), Darmok (The one with Picard and that alien on the planet, talking in metaphor).  There are more...must stop...Star Trek overload...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Question: What's going on?

Oh, you know.

Short Answer: Seriously.  You know.

Question: Who's your favorite soccer team or player?

If I have to answer one or the other, the answer is a resounding...

Gabriel Batistuta!

184 Goals in 318 matches in Serie A for Fiorentina

56 Goals in 78 match appearances for Argentina!

When Fiorentina was relegated, Batistua stayed with them and helped them move back up into Serie A.  Awesome.  There's a life-sized bronze statue of him in Florence.  I remember him best for hitting the hardest penalty shot in World Cup history.

Short Answer: Because of my love for Batistuta, I've always been partial to Argentina on an international level.

Question: What 10 songs (or pieces of music) would be on your funereal mixtape?

10) Say It Isn't So by Hall and Oates
9) String Quartet #14 in D Minor (Death and the Maiden) by Franz Schubert
8) Killer Queen by Queen
7) Dyer Maker by Led Zeppelin
6) Pulling Mussels From the Shell by Squeeze
5) Water Music by George Frideric Handel
4) Bright Eyes (acoustic) by Blind Guardian
3) San Tropez by Pink Floyd
2) Leper Messiah by Metallica
1) Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Short Answer: No particular rhyme, reason or order. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Question: What food would you serve in Purgatory? Why?

Cucumbers.  First, because they barely have any taste, unless moist is a flavour now.  Also, because if you like cucumbers, it then becomes easy to figure out if you deserve to go up or down.  This keeps the traffic greased so limbo doesn't become clogged.

Short Answer: If you like cucumbers, you're going to hell.  They are the Devil's Penis.

Question: If you could replace the Easter bunny with anything or anyone as Easter's representative what/who would it be? (note: Jesus is not an answer as this question excludes Jesus in the same way that Easter has)

Long question, short answer.  Here's a top three of who I would replace the Easter Bunny with.

3) Santa Claus.  Christmas is the shit.  I love it.  I think we could take one more day a year of being better to each other.  Santa Claus would rock Easter like my bean at a Motorhead concert.

2) Gary Oldman.  He's probably the best actor on the planet, so I'd think he could do a very respectful and accurate version of the Easter Bunny while still bringing his own flair.

1) Salma Hayek (circa Desperado).  The Cleavage Bunny.  Yummy.

Short Answer: It would be funny to replace the Easter Bunny with something that was associated with Jesus, but not Jesus himself, as if he'd been "passed over" again.  Like if the rock that was rolled in front of his tomb was the new mascot for Easter.  Rocky the Tombrock, bringing you chocolate in a shroud for Easter.

Question: What are your best and worst athletic moments?

Worst: I went for a pratfall at a bowling alley once, where I pretended to slip.  But the alley was a bit more slick than I realized so my fake fall almost turned into a real fall.  I managed to salvage the bit by popping up and in a state of false confusion putting on a woman's jacket as if I were about to go home.  But I ripped my pants in the fall and that was lame.

Best: One time I spiked a volley-ball into some dude's nuts.

Short Answer:  All jokes aside, in rugby when I was young, I tackled a guy by the collar and gave him a concussion.  That was lame of me.  Then, a couple of weeks later, the same thing happened to me.  That was cool.  Except for the long night of throwing up frothy stomach acid.

Question: Who is your ideal Oscar host?

Historically speaking, the best hosts have been comedians, or at least multi-talented people who are/were comedians first.  Guys like Bob Hope, Billy Crystal, Johnny Carson, Whoopi Goldberg and Steve Martin.  That means finding someone of that ilk, but maybe with some New Hollywood flare.  I think they were close to the mark with Alec Baldwin, though pairing him with Steve Martin felt like a bit of a hand-holding job.  And Baldwin doesn't fit the comedian first model, though he's clearly ridiculously funny.  My mind wanders to George Clooney as well, for he has that Old Hollywood presense but with modern sensibilities.  He's funny too, or at least seems to be, but he isn't a comedian first.

I guess right now, due to his meteoric rise and strong fan base, Zach Galifianakis would fit the mold rather well, except his humour can sometimes be so irreverent that it may not appeal to the Academy Award viewership.  Maybe Adam Sandler?  He appeals to a large fan base (just check out the money his movies have made), but again, maybe not the right kind of humour for the old Academy stick-in-the-muds.  I'd like to see Ricky Gervais do it, I think he's perfect, except he already did the Golden Globes a couple of times.  On that note, I'd like to see Karl Pilkington do it, but that ain't gonna happen.

Final answer: Steve Carell.  He's perfect for it.  Comedy first (improv over stand-up, I think), classy, tasteful but modern.  Everybody likes him, he's said to be a super nice guy, and he's near the top of his game right now.

Short Answer: Steve Carell.  He's moving away from network television and assumedly toward more big movie roles. qualifying him as part of the big Hollywood machine.  The Academy likes their own, so this is a real possibility in the future.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Question: Who do you want to win American Idol?

Casey.  I don't remember his last name.  He looks like Seth Rogen.  He should win.  Or someone with big tits.

Short Answer: Does it even matter any more who actually wins?  Did it ever?

Question: How do you think Franco & Hathaway did hosting The Oscars?

I thought they were awful.  I'm hoping Franco was sick or just not into it, 'cause if what he was doing was a choice on his part or by the producers, it didn't work.  Hathaway seemed like she was trying to compensate, but it came across as the over-compensation of an unsure teenage girl who's afraid she might be a bit tubby.  Was he supposed to be the straight man? Was she supposed to be charmingly befuddled by his curt remarks?  Who knows.

The truth of the matter is that they shouldn't be blamed at all, even if they were particularly bad hosts.  The production was the worst I've ever seen, from theme to design to lighting to execution, the whole thing was sloppy, unoriginal and amateurish.  It was like the theme was "New Hollywood, wait, Old Hollywood, wait, Edgy, wait, Traditional, wait..."

Short Answer: It seemed like a strange idea to have them host.  Now we know why.  The people in charge are idiots.  They better ramp up the spectacle or the soul next year.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Question: What are your favourite five hair styles of all time?

5) Beehive.  Not because of how it looks, but because of that awesome urban legend about a woman who gets headaches soon after receiving the new beehive do.  She can't figure out what's wrong, and the headaches continue to worsen.  One day she falls down dead, and when they undo the hive, it turns out a mommy spider had set up shop in there and the babies hatched and ate into the woman's brain!

4) Pompadour.  This one I like, again, not 'cause of the look, but due to the sound of the word itself.  "What does he look like?"  "Dude has a badass pompadour."  "That dude is righteous."  And he is.

3) Afro.  I like all kinds of afros, even ones that aren't really afros, like when a white dude or a Jewish dude grows their thick ass hair super long and it grows out and up instead of down.  But particularly the black version, 'cause I think keeping your comb in your hair makes a lot of practical sense.

2) Traditional Bob (no bangs).  You know when a beautiful woman (often a brunette) has a bob and her bangs are just a little bit shorter and they curl near her chin to frame her face.  If the face is frame-able, this is the sexiest shit there is.

1) Lesbian Pattern Baldness.  You ever seen a chick with a mullet? Or with bear claws? Or part of their head shaved for no good reason? That shit is the best.  Maybe it's just so I won't come on to the wrong lady, but I like when I can tell the straight from the gay.  Not just for me.  That can't be fun for a chick who likes chicks to have to hear a bunch of male bullshit.  They've chosen to include us not at all.  Our penises are unwelcome.  Plus, lesbians made the mullet cool again.  A difficult task.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention: You know when Jennifer Aniston used to be hot, and she did that spread where she was naked and you could see her butt?  I think her hair was nice in that picture too.

Question: If a kid (son, nephew, inquisitive street urchin) ever wants your general advice about women, what will you tell him?

First, I will ask their aim.  Do they want to court this woman or are they looking to bang her?  This is a very important distinction because trying to bang a women is a great way to destroy any possible future in the relationship category.  Both answers, as are the answers to most things in life, are quite simple.

If you want to bang her:  Be mean as fuck, then at some random time, compliment her intelligence.  This works especially well for younger girls who can't understand why you are mean to them.  They fret about it (because of their low self-esteem) and switch to wide-on mode when it turns out you think they're smart (because of their low self-esteem).  This is the keeping-expectations-really-low then blowing-them-the-fuck-out-of-the-water method.  Works like a charm as long as you do the banging while the girl is still on the high of being paid attention to.  If you wait 'till she figures out your bullshit, you will receive no love ever.  And she'll probably tell everyone you have a small dick.

If you want to court her: Only do things, from the start, that you are willing to do always.  If she wants to got out on a date to a restaurant but you'd rather sit at home and eat pizza, say, "You want to come over to my house and eat pizza?" You see, a good relationship is based on honesty and communication, so if you are up front about shit right away, you'll weed out all the ladies that are just going to be wasting your mother-fuckin' time.  Yea, you might really like this particular girl, but there'll be others. Best to test the waters right away.  If they're cold, test other waters.  Plus, although she might think you're a loser/weirdo for not wanting to take her to the movies or some crap, if you wait a few months and waste her time before letting her know the real you, she'll probably tell everyone you have a small dick.

Short Answer: Being yourself works.  Especially if you're tall, handsome and funny.  If you are none of those things, make tonnes of cash and buy both women and happiness.  What other choice do you have?